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The Art of Lingering
Rarity stepped outside.
Small pools of water still lingered on the balcony floor, remnants of the afternoon rain. As the light diminished, the autumn colours became muted. The world lost contrast, save for the moon against the night sky, and a hounded lit windows against dim stone walls. Listening to the sounds of the party going on inside, Rarity couldn't help but wonder how many other parties were going on out there. However many there were, their lights were indistinguishable from the lights of regular life. Distance made it unknowable.
Neither could she know how many ponies had stepped outside, onto their balconies, to catch a moment of respite. To get some room to think.
She knew that this line of thought was just an attempt to distract herself from the more pressing dilemma, but she nevertheless allowed herself to indulge in it for a few more moments. She considered herself to be a mare of excellent work ethics, somepony who had experienced firsthand the price and rewards of hard labour. This was different. Making choices, sadly, was more complicated that fulfilling tasks.
Having to make choices had an unequalled ability to sour opportunity. Fancy Pants' offer had been remarkably generous, both financially and in terms of how much trust he has placed on her. To represent Canterlot (and Ponyville), as a member of a cultural delegation to friendly realms. A trip from Maretonia to Saddle Arabia, lasting almost a year before they made their return to Equestria. A chance to prove herself as an artist and a socialite. A chance to be the well-travelled icon she had always hoped to be, and not the small town girl she knew she ultimately was. And if it had been a task, something she truly had to accomplish, she knew she would have done it without question.
But she had been given a choice, and that made it all so much harder. Most of all, she worried about her friends. The problem was not that she didn't think she could leave. If the feelings were mutual, and she was convinced they were, she knew that they loved her too much to keep her from leaving. What she had issues with was the feeling that she was robbing her friends of their closeness to her. That her leaving would be akin to taking without giving back. As it stood, it was the unfortunate truth that it would be easier to make herself happy if they weren't friends. Was it healthy that she hesitated so to do something that ought to make her happy? Had they gotten so close that they couldn't afford to be more distant?
Deciding that the last question might not be one she wanted to answer, she let herself be distracted again. She returned her attention to Canterlot's night lights. How many choices were being made right now, inside crowded rooms and on solitary balconies? How many were committing to decisions that to them seemed all-encompassing, but for all the rest of the world would forever go unknown?
She let herself sigh audibly, taking some comfort in her own dramatics. This was supposed to be a chance, how had it become a problem?
The painful fact that she could, in reality, just ignore it altogether. Just as she had decided not to let her questions about the nature of her friendships come to their logical conclusion. In a sense, this was the real dilemma. Choose not to choose, and live with the consequences. And though they might seem harsh now, knowing that for all the rest of the world, they mattered as little as whether or not her windows were lit in the autumn night. At a distance, both decisions left it impossible to know what was on the inside.
She could be like a trickling stream, flowing down the path of least resistance. Wouldn't that be nice, for once? To live in the moment, and make no last-minute attempt to set it all straight. Just as she had postponed her choice by stepping outside, by watching the lights, she could postpone it forever. Until it went away.
She didn't have to go back inside. It seemed easier to just linger here, forever.
The door opened behind her.
"Rarity, are you okay? It's been a while since anypony saw you".
Rarity let herself relish inactivity for just another moment. Then she turned around, ignoring the Canterlot lights. Twilight's outline a clear contrast against the indoor lights.
Rarity stepped back inside.
Small pools of water still lingered on the balcony floor, remnants of the afternoon rain. As the light diminished, the autumn colours became muted. The world lost contrast, save for the moon against the night sky, and a hounded lit windows against dim stone walls. Listening to the sounds of the party going on inside, Rarity couldn't help but wonder how many other parties were going on out there. However many there were, their lights were indistinguishable from the lights of regular life. Distance made it unknowable.
Neither could she know how many ponies had stepped outside, onto their balconies, to catch a moment of respite. To get some room to think.
She knew that this line of thought was just an attempt to distract herself from the more pressing dilemma, but she nevertheless allowed herself to indulge in it for a few more moments. She considered herself to be a mare of excellent work ethics, somepony who had experienced firsthand the price and rewards of hard labour. This was different. Making choices, sadly, was more complicated that fulfilling tasks.
Having to make choices had an unequalled ability to sour opportunity. Fancy Pants' offer had been remarkably generous, both financially and in terms of how much trust he has placed on her. To represent Canterlot (and Ponyville), as a member of a cultural delegation to friendly realms. A trip from Maretonia to Saddle Arabia, lasting almost a year before they made their return to Equestria. A chance to prove herself as an artist and a socialite. A chance to be the well-travelled icon she had always hoped to be, and not the small town girl she knew she ultimately was. And if it had been a task, something she truly had to accomplish, she knew she would have done it without question.
But she had been given a choice, and that made it all so much harder. Most of all, she worried about her friends. The problem was not that she didn't think she could leave. If the feelings were mutual, and she was convinced they were, she knew that they loved her too much to keep her from leaving. What she had issues with was the feeling that she was robbing her friends of their closeness to her. That her leaving would be akin to taking without giving back. As it stood, it was the unfortunate truth that it would be easier to make herself happy if they weren't friends. Was it healthy that she hesitated so to do something that ought to make her happy? Had they gotten so close that they couldn't afford to be more distant?
Deciding that the last question might not be one she wanted to answer, she let herself be distracted again. She returned her attention to Canterlot's night lights. How many choices were being made right now, inside crowded rooms and on solitary balconies? How many were committing to decisions that to them seemed all-encompassing, but for all the rest of the world would forever go unknown?
She let herself sigh audibly, taking some comfort in her own dramatics. This was supposed to be a chance, how had it become a problem?
The painful fact that she could, in reality, just ignore it altogether. Just as she had decided not to let her questions about the nature of her friendships come to their logical conclusion. In a sense, this was the real dilemma. Choose not to choose, and live with the consequences. And though they might seem harsh now, knowing that for all the rest of the world, they mattered as little as whether or not her windows were lit in the autumn night. At a distance, both decisions left it impossible to know what was on the inside.
She could be like a trickling stream, flowing down the path of least resistance. Wouldn't that be nice, for once? To live in the moment, and make no last-minute attempt to set it all straight. Just as she had postponed her choice by stepping outside, by watching the lights, she could postpone it forever. Until it went away.
She didn't have to go back inside. It seemed easier to just linger here, forever.
The door opened behind her.
"Rarity, are you okay? It's been a while since anypony saw you".
Rarity let herself relish inactivity for just another moment. Then she turned around, ignoring the Canterlot lights. Twilight's outline a clear contrast against the indoor lights.
Rarity stepped back inside.
Ooh, bookends! Yes! +50 gazillion points for that alone.
I think this story would benefit from some more polish—there's an occasional roughness to it that's at odds with the (at surface level, at least) serenity of the scene, and a little more dynamism would have brought Rarity's conflict into sharper focus. As it stands, the internal monologue captures the nature of that conflict well, but I do the think the reader would benefit from seeing its weight on Rarity a little more.
Those points aside, I enjoyed this story. Rarity's attempted resolution of this conflict felt very realistic—I could certainly relate to it at any rate—and that realism really grounded the prompt in a believable way. I think that there's always a desire, when faced with a difficult choice, to find a way to keep time at bay, or a moment in stasis, so that everything stays perfect and fine and safe.
I also thought her central worry was very in-keeping with her character, and it was nice to see some of that conflict back from the earlier days of the show.
The writing was pretty evocative and thoughtful for the most part, although there were one or two paragraphs where I felt you tied yourself up in metaphors and introspection, and clarity suffered as a result. These moments were few and far between though.
Thanks for sharing your work. I expect this to feature reasonably high on my slate.
I think this story would benefit from some more polish—there's an occasional roughness to it that's at odds with the (at surface level, at least) serenity of the scene, and a little more dynamism would have brought Rarity's conflict into sharper focus. As it stands, the internal monologue captures the nature of that conflict well, but I do the think the reader would benefit from seeing its weight on Rarity a little more.
Those points aside, I enjoyed this story. Rarity's attempted resolution of this conflict felt very realistic—I could certainly relate to it at any rate—and that realism really grounded the prompt in a believable way. I think that there's always a desire, when faced with a difficult choice, to find a way to keep time at bay, or a moment in stasis, so that everything stays perfect and fine and safe.
I also thought her central worry was very in-keeping with her character, and it was nice to see some of that conflict back from the earlier days of the show.
The writing was pretty evocative and thoughtful for the most part, although there were one or two paragraphs where I felt you tied yourself up in metaphors and introspection, and clarity suffered as a result. These moments were few and far between though.
Thanks for sharing your work. I expect this to feature reasonably high on my slate.
The bookends do their job perfectly here, and the contemplation itself has a nice sinuous arc to it like floating down a river. (And then I realized what I just typed. Appropriately enough, really.) I can really feel Rarity's social perception coming through in her perspective.
Some minor textual quibbles; the lack of a semicolon in "This was supposed to be a chance, how had it become a problem?" was a jolt, and the full stop outside the quotation marks near the end. Overall good quality.
Some minor textual quibbles; the lack of a semicolon in "This was supposed to be a chance, how had it become a problem?" was a jolt, and the full stop outside the quotation marks near the end. Overall good quality.
Top of my slate you go. Why? Because:
Best pone, enough said. What? Not enough? Okay.
I loved it. I feeled it.
It doesn't only fit perfectly Rarity's personnality, but it also felt real, an excellent portrait of feelings anyone could have before such a choice.
Element of Generosity. Brilliant. Excellent. Such a generous person would have a hard time with this.
What? It's very telly, you say? Yes, that's the point. The more details, the more I could connect with Rarity and feel her struggle.
Anyway,I feel like I could go on and on and it wouldn't even make the story justice.
So it's a gargantuan yes. Thank you very much for this.
Rarity
Best pone, enough said. What? Not enough? Okay.
I loved it. I feeled it.
It doesn't only fit perfectly Rarity's personnality, but it also felt real, an excellent portrait of feelings anyone could have before such a choice.
What she had issues with was the feeling that she was robbing her friends of their closeness to her.
Element of Generosity. Brilliant. Excellent. Such a generous person would have a hard time with this.
What? It's very telly, you say? Yes, that's the point. The more details, the more I could connect with Rarity and feel her struggle.
Anyway,I feel like I could go on and on and it wouldn't even make the story justice.
So it's a gargantuan yes. Thank you very much for this.
I like the story, but it has one huge flaw. As written here, it's solid tell.
Making it first-pony perspective would be an easy way to make it less telly. Show us her exact internal thoughts directly, rather than qualifying them for the reader with prefaces like, "What she had issues with was...". Let the reader figure out some things for themself.
Some of this can be fixed even if you don't take it first-pony: you hardly use any descriptions of Rarity's appearance and actions at all. We get an audible sigh (as opposed to an 'inaudible sigh'...?) and that's pretty much all we get to see. What does her face look like? What does her posture look like? Does she lean over the edge of the balcony? Use horse words to show us, and let the reader infer what she's feeling. Don't hold the reader's hoof. You can even show more from her perspective like this, because things not obvious will be obvious to her (like swallowing, or physical sensations).
I have no idea what... oh! Hundred. Derp. Nevermind. :derpytongue2:
Making it first-pony perspective would be an easy way to make it less telly. Show us her exact internal thoughts directly, rather than qualifying them for the reader with prefaces like, "What she had issues with was...". Let the reader figure out some things for themself.
Some of this can be fixed even if you don't take it first-pony: you hardly use any descriptions of Rarity's appearance and actions at all. We get an audible sigh (as opposed to an 'inaudible sigh'...?) and that's pretty much all we get to see. What does her face look like? What does her posture look like? Does she lean over the edge of the balcony? Use horse words to show us, and let the reader infer what she's feeling. Don't hold the reader's hoof. You can even show more from her perspective like this, because things not obvious will be obvious to her (like swallowing, or physical sensations).
a hounded lit windows
I have no idea what... oh! Hundred. Derp. Nevermind. :derpytongue2:
To be frank, I can't enjoy this at all. Nearly the entire story is the narrator telling us exactly what Rarity's feeling at the moment, which gets very dull very fast. It should've been broken up a little--flashbacks, snippets of dialogue, verbatim quotes of Rarity's thoughts... anything but the mammoth block of Tell.
Some repeated technical problems are a bit distracting, but overall this is a decent treatise on ignoring hard decisions. It works in that sense, but as a story it leaves me mostly unengaged and uninterested. Rarity is well written and in-character, but it doesn't bring me in to really feel for her like it needs to. As others pointed out, this is probably a case of telling instead of showing.
Just repeating what Trick Question said. This entire story is vapid introspection.
Like, this?
That's just word salad. A great deal of space that says absolutely nothing.
Like, this?
The painful fact that she could, in reality, just ignore it altogether. Just as she had decided not to let her questions about the nature of her friendships come to their logical conclusion. In a sense, this was the real dilemma. Choose not to choose, and live with the consequences. And though they might seem harsh now, knowing that for all the rest of the world, they mattered as little as whether or not her windows were lit in the autumn night. At a distance, both decisions left it impossible to know what was on the inside.
That's just word salad. A great deal of space that says absolutely nothing.
>>Cold in Gardez
To be fair, I wasn't that harsh.
I don't actually think the story is vapid. I'm getting a sense of complex emotions, and I think I know what the writer is trying to say in that paragraph. It just isn't written in a way that allows the reader to participate in the experience.
Just repeating what Trick Question said. This entire story is vapid introspection.
To be fair, I wasn't that harsh.
I don't actually think the story is vapid. I'm getting a sense of complex emotions, and I think I know what the writer is trying to say in that paragraph. It just isn't written in a way that allows the reader to participate in the experience.
>>Cold in Gardez
I concur with Cold here. I wouldn’t go so far as to call the story “vapid”, but it came across as telly rambling to me. Blah-blah. Sorry, author, but I decently cannot rank this very high, though I respect the work and energy you put into this piece.
I concur with Cold here. I wouldn’t go so far as to call the story “vapid”, but it came across as telly rambling to me. Blah-blah. Sorry, author, but I decently cannot rank this very high, though I respect the work and energy you put into this piece.
The issue I have with this story (typos aside) is that I can't relate to the problem. If I were in Rarity's shoes, I'd be thinking a lot more about the benefits than the negatives. Okay, so she'll be gone from her friends for a year. They'll live (Equestria might not, but that's an entirely different debate). And she's certainly going to have things to offer once she gets back; direct knowledge of foreign cultures to aid Twilight as a princess, first-hoof accounts of rare foreign creatures for Fluttershy, and delicious new sweets recipes for Pinkie, just to name a few things.
Rarity's choice of focus feels very off to me, and as such the entire story left me scratching my head. She's been given a glorious new opportunity, and she's going to spend the rest of her life regretting potentially vast benefits for all involved because she can't spend that time with her friends? Sorry, author, but I'm not buying it. Especially considering this is Rarity, who has proven herself more than willing to take risks and build upon opportunities given.
Rarity's choice of focus feels very off to me, and as such the entire story left me scratching my head. She's been given a glorious new opportunity, and she's going to spend the rest of her life regretting potentially vast benefits for all involved because she can't spend that time with her friends? Sorry, author, but I'm not buying it. Especially considering this is Rarity, who has proven herself more than willing to take risks and build upon opportunities given.
I hope I'm not ganging up when I concur with >>Cold in Gardez, >>Trick_Question, and >>Monokeras on the nature of this story. It's technically well-written, and very good at painting a picture and it does follow the prompt. The problem is that there's not too much under the hood; Rarity's standing around considering things, but not really making much of a decision and not really doing much of anything.
>>PaulAsaran also has a point that the situation is kind of OOC for Rarity; she'd hardly pass up a bold new business opportunity or new contacts. I think the problem is that there's no counter-weight, no 'bad side' to the deal, so why shouldn't Rarity take it on?
Perhaps you could have the scene play out at the ball itself, and with her friends talking positively (or trying to) about her impending trip and all the benefits it will bring. But instead of it being Fancy Pants making the offer, what if the trip is an ambassadorial junket led by Prince Blueblood? Now Rarity has to decide: are all the connections, knowledge and experiences of the trip worth spending an entire year in Blueblood's entourage?
Anyway, it's just a suggestion, take it as you will. And thanks for sharing!
>>PaulAsaran also has a point that the situation is kind of OOC for Rarity; she'd hardly pass up a bold new business opportunity or new contacts. I think the problem is that there's no counter-weight, no 'bad side' to the deal, so why shouldn't Rarity take it on?
Perhaps you could have the scene play out at the ball itself, and with her friends talking positively (or trying to) about her impending trip and all the benefits it will bring. But instead of it being Fancy Pants making the offer, what if the trip is an ambassadorial junket led by Prince Blueblood? Now Rarity has to decide: are all the connections, knowledge and experiences of the trip worth spending an entire year in Blueblood's entourage?
Anyway, it's just a suggestion, take it as you will. And thanks for sharing!
>>Cold in Gardez
I think this is harsh on the author. I wouldn't say that the passage says absolutely nothing.
I think this story is trying to capture something human with words, but isn't going about in the most engaging way. Trick has pointed out there's a lack of atmospheric detail in the narration, things happening around Rarity, instead of introspection. And I like the use of lights in the distance to add a visual to Rarity's dilemma.
I agree that it's wordy. I would agree that there's too much introspection and not enough scene-setting or plot. But to say there's absolutely nothing is an exaggeration, I think.
I think this is harsh on the author. I wouldn't say that the passage says absolutely nothing.
I think this story is trying to capture something human with words, but isn't going about in the most engaging way. Trick has pointed out there's a lack of atmospheric detail in the narration, things happening around Rarity, instead of introspection. And I like the use of lights in the distance to add a visual to Rarity's dilemma.
I agree that it's wordy. I would agree that there's too much introspection and not enough scene-setting or plot. But to say there's absolutely nothing is an exaggeration, I think.
I'm in agreement with the bulk of the comments. There are a lot of words here, but none of them are very revealing. Rarity's thoughts are thoughts anyone could have... and almost everyone in her situation would, so I feel like I haven't read anything that wasn't obvious. For example, if the story was a single paragraph from Twilight's perspective, having heard about the job offer and noticing Rarity lost in thought on the balcony, I could still infer pretty much everything Rarity's thinking here and get all the same effect.
So that's the main advice for improvement I'd give here. What makes this situation unique and interesting? How is Rarity in particular responding to it?
As for how to tell it mechanically better, see Trick & co., add more varied physical details and watch the economy on introspection and adjectives. I've not much to add that hasn't been covered.
Also: the way this is set up? I want to know what she decides. Some pieces fit better with ambiguous endings, some need closure. I want closure here, I want a payoff to all the introspection. Without knowing her choice, I feel like not only is there too much introspection, it was all for nothing because she ends right where she began.
Decent effort, though. It's not great right now, but it's a lot closer to being great than our comments are making it sound. Just missing a couple layers of revision and cleanup to really be what it's trying to be. Try working on this some more and hit up some friends/FIMficcers/Discord people/whoever you know for further thoughts! Thanks for writing!
So that's the main advice for improvement I'd give here. What makes this situation unique and interesting? How is Rarity in particular responding to it?
As for how to tell it mechanically better, see Trick & co., add more varied physical details and watch the economy on introspection and adjectives. I've not much to add that hasn't been covered.
Also: the way this is set up? I want to know what she decides. Some pieces fit better with ambiguous endings, some need closure. I want closure here, I want a payoff to all the introspection. Without knowing her choice, I feel like not only is there too much introspection, it was all for nothing because she ends right where she began.
Decent effort, though. It's not great right now, but it's a lot closer to being great than our comments are making it sound. Just missing a couple layers of revision and cleanup to really be what it's trying to be. Try working on this some more and hit up some friends/FIMficcers/Discord people/whoever you know for further thoughts! Thanks for writing!
I don't normally do this, but I'll kinda come out and admit to make a point. I more or less started skimming the remainder of this story after the first couple paragraphs. There is really no attempt to hook here, which is a risky proposition. Her concerns and thoughts and worries don't really engage me because they feel too detached.
I can enjoy naval gazing! I do it a lot! But this is the risk it carries, especially when it is the whole story.
I can enjoy naval gazing! I do it a lot! But this is the risk it carries, especially when it is the whole story.