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Ooo, I'm game. This is Dubious Crossovers Because Children Awake At Inhumane Hours Edition!
Compertment - A Homestar Runner crossover where Coach Z blunders into the knowledge that Celestia is secretly worthy of the dreaded double deuce.
Death Panty - A substantially more awkward Death Note crossover.
Royale Assent - Daniel Craig must convince Celestia to let him out of his contract to play James Bond in perpetuity, because reasons?
Master Invictus - Somepony has been listening to too much Metallicolt, and their sudden affinity for teh darknezz freaks their parents right out, especially when they try to hitch a ride to join a nearby Sombratanic ritual...
Compertment - A Homestar Runner crossover where Coach Z blunders into the knowledge that Celestia is secretly worthy of the dreaded double deuce.
Death Panty - A substantially more awkward Death Note crossover.
Royale Assent - Daniel Craig must convince Celestia to let him out of his contract to play James Bond in perpetuity, because reasons?
Master Invictus - Somepony has been listening to too much Metallicolt, and their sudden affinity for teh darknezz freaks their parents right out, especially when they try to hitch a ride to join a nearby Sombratanic ritual...
...No Reason at All - Other than my EXTREME skepticism that there would be slavery OF ANY SORT in Equestria, I would see Twilight calling in the guard rather than paying for the changeling. Also this subject in general just leaves me feeling angry despite the attempt to play it up for laughs. Family Guy does this and although they get away with it a lot they should really be boiled in oil for belittling these sensitive and serious subjects and suggesting we give them anything but the attention they deserve. What's next? Blame the victim of domestic abuse because IT'S HER FAULT SHE'S STAYING WITH THE GUY?! (that is something Family Guy did btw)
Not that I think you'd do that intentionally, just saying you should look at what your stories imply below the most superficial levels. Slavery is bad and supporting slavers is bad, M'kay? If you want to put it in there please use it as something other than a cheep gimmick.
Edit: Cooled off a bit. I think what set me off was Twilight recognizing that 'Slavery was Bad' and then immediately disregarding that thought by asking Spike for some Bits. She was set on buying him from the beginning. That implied to me that things like slavery are so commonplace that they don't so much as give ponies pause anymore.
Not that I think you'd do that intentionally, just saying you should look at what your stories imply below the most superficial levels. Slavery is bad and supporting slavers is bad, M'kay? If you want to put it in there please use it as something other than a cheep gimmick.
Edit: Cooled off a bit. I think what set me off was Twilight recognizing that 'Slavery was Bad' and then immediately disregarding that thought by asking Spike for some Bits. She was set on buying him from the beginning. That implied to me that things like slavery are so commonplace that they don't so much as give ponies pause anymore.
I like quite the idea here, and absurd overreactions work quite well generally. That said, I think you will need to rework the story a bit before you can publish it. Aside from what the others already said, here are a couple of suggestions from me. You will need to add some temporal context so that we understand when it is happening, and I think you have to either start with the absurdity earlier to blow the readers away or you need a very somber beginning as to have a continuous escalation. As it is now I think it suffers a bit from a weak start.
There were undoubtedly a couple of very funny moments there, and at the end you were finding your rhythm, which then succumbed to the brutal rule of the word-count.
A shining core that needs some polish and cutting to make it a gem.
There were undoubtedly a couple of very funny moments there, and at the end you were finding your rhythm, which then succumbed to the brutal rule of the word-count.
A shining core that needs some polish and cutting to make it a gem.
Some last-minute reviews trying to bring everything up to four responses.
This doubles down so hard and so centrally on its bizarre idea of Silver Spoon paying for her own birthday party that I read through the entire thing feeling off-kilter. There are a few more levels on which that didn't feel like it worked -- Sweetie Belle being the one to rip her off; the thing FOME and Baal mentioned about what role Silver's father plays; and the implied moral that Silver was right all along and that the proper approach to Equestrian society is a very un-hoers-like cynicism. (Not to mention, how the hell is Twilight going to react when she finds out that one of her friend's sisters was using her name to make money?)
It's possible you could fix those things with a bunch of lampshading; it's possible that it's just a fundamentally broken idea unless you spin this aggressively into a non-show-tone universe. You need to do one of the two, because there are certainly a lot of lingering questions.
I can't find anything in particular to critique on the rest. This is well-built, it's just sort of like the Monty Python kingdom in the swamp where they built the first castle and it sank, so they built another castle in the same spot and it sank again. See if you can tweak the premise here so it doesn't break the suspension of disbelief going in, and when you build that third castle, well, that one should stay up.
(See, for contrast: >>horizon)
Tier: Almost There
This doubles down so hard and so centrally on its bizarre idea of Silver Spoon paying for her own birthday party that I read through the entire thing feeling off-kilter. There are a few more levels on which that didn't feel like it worked -- Sweetie Belle being the one to rip her off; the thing FOME and Baal mentioned about what role Silver's father plays; and the implied moral that Silver was right all along and that the proper approach to Equestrian society is a very un-hoers-like cynicism. (Not to mention, how the hell is Twilight going to react when she finds out that one of her friend's sisters was using her name to make money?)
It's possible you could fix those things with a bunch of lampshading; it's possible that it's just a fundamentally broken idea unless you spin this aggressively into a non-show-tone universe. You need to do one of the two, because there are certainly a lot of lingering questions.
I can't find anything in particular to critique on the rest. This is well-built, it's just sort of like the Monty Python kingdom in the swamp where they built the first castle and it sank, so they built another castle in the same spot and it sank again. See if you can tweak the premise here so it doesn't break the suspension of disbelief going in, and when you build that third castle, well, that one should stay up.
(See, for contrast: >>horizon)
Tier: Almost There
I can't say that this one really caught me, and that's mostly on my feeling like it didn't have a whole lot of ideas to fill its 720 words. As early as the first paragraph or two, it's pretty clear that Gilda's buying something stereotypically "girly" and she's ashamed of it. The majority of the story treats this as some sort of secret, and tries to build up tension with the chase scene in order to pull off a reveal two-thirds of the way through, and the reveal is that ... in fact she did buy something stereotypically girly and was ashamed of it. I guess there's some flavoring to that in that she's specifically a pony fan, but that really wasn't enough to hold my attention through the buildup to the foregone conclusion.
I've noted in previous reviews that comedy is about subversion of expectations, and that a prompt drop is the least unexpected punchline that it's possible to make in a Writeoff, so the last third of the story falls flat for me too. Sorry, author. I feel a little bad saying that I'm scoring this low simply because of what you chose to write about, because there aren't any mechanical faults (and this does use its tight third-person limited narration well), but when you write on the well-trodden ground of thoroughly predictable ideas, it's very difficult to distinguish yourself.
It's an interesting contrast with my previous review >>horizon, which fell flat for me because it went too far in the wilds. Writing well is about finding that balance: striking out into weird and fresh territory, but learning how to navigate it and where your readers will need signposts and what landmarks to point out. The last story could benefit from reining it in a bit; this one could benefit from striking out further. Sometimes the only solution is to keep writing and keep experimenting, failing in new and interesting ways and learning the paths through trial and error. I hope you both keep at it.
Tier: Misaimed
I've noted in previous reviews that comedy is about subversion of expectations, and that a prompt drop is the least unexpected punchline that it's possible to make in a Writeoff, so the last third of the story falls flat for me too. Sorry, author. I feel a little bad saying that I'm scoring this low simply because of what you chose to write about, because there aren't any mechanical faults (and this does use its tight third-person limited narration well), but when you write on the well-trodden ground of thoroughly predictable ideas, it's very difficult to distinguish yourself.
It's an interesting contrast with my previous review >>horizon, which fell flat for me because it went too far in the wilds. Writing well is about finding that balance: striking out into weird and fresh territory, but learning how to navigate it and where your readers will need signposts and what landmarks to point out. The last story could benefit from reining it in a bit; this one could benefit from striking out further. Sometimes the only solution is to keep writing and keep experimenting, failing in new and interesting ways and learning the paths through trial and error. I hope you both keep at it.
Tier: Misaimed
Well, this was certainly an interesting twist on the prompt. Its premise is just cracky enough that the double subversion coming back to the prompt drop felt audacious enough to work, and you managed to lampshade the idea enough that I bought it.
It would be stronger tighter, I think (as the others have noted). And I do have to say that the last line didn't really land for me; for a story that otherwise worked so hard on its character portrayal, it felt like you hedged on that at the last moment for a cheap gag, and if that was intentional (the shaggy-dog effect), a mere implied F-bomb isn't funny enough to feel like it justifies the derail. On the other hoof, I think the impulse to end on a punchline was a good one, because the premise here is crazy enough that playing it straight would have felt weird. This just needs a better punchline, I think. Maybe without the word limit you can make the discovery what escalates the story into the climax, rather than treating it as the climax itself? Doubling down on Big Mac trying to resolve this new problem while maintaining his stoic facade has potential to wring further comedy out.
So there are things to work on here, but this has its heart in the right place.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
It would be stronger tighter, I think (as the others have noted). And I do have to say that the last line didn't really land for me; for a story that otherwise worked so hard on its character portrayal, it felt like you hedged on that at the last moment for a cheap gag, and if that was intentional (the shaggy-dog effect), a mere implied F-bomb isn't funny enough to feel like it justifies the derail. On the other hoof, I think the impulse to end on a punchline was a good one, because the premise here is crazy enough that playing it straight would have felt weird. This just needs a better punchline, I think. Maybe without the word limit you can make the discovery what escalates the story into the climax, rather than treating it as the climax itself? Doubling down on Big Mac trying to resolve this new problem while maintaining his stoic facade has potential to wring further comedy out.
So there are things to work on here, but this has its heart in the right place.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
I'll just say it, since I'm not sure whether the other commenters got it and didn't find it worth commenting on, or whether they missed it (as I did on my first read): this is about Cadance's ascension. The clues here are kinda easy to miss. She's "Corporal" Cadance in the first scene where we never see her or hear her described, and while that's all headcanon, I guess the implication is that anypony who can be a "Corporal" isn't an alicorn.
And then, in the second scene, there's a bright white light in Celestia's eyes, and:
We've seen an alicorn ascension, in the Season 3 closer, and this looks nothing like Twilight's. She didn't come out confused. She did something herself to earn it (rather than the implication here with Cadance that Celestia's magic surged and did something to her, like maybe teleportation or something). Twilight's ascension also happened on another plane rather than right in front of everypony, and she returned to basically the same place she started. So I didn't know what to make of this until I read it a lot closer, and even when I realized what you were going for it still felt dubious.
I do like Luna's attitudes here, and (without the caps-lock, which is to textual outrage what autotune is to music) you could have a good thing going with the councillors. I think clarifying the Cadance thing and bringing it closer in line with canon (or lampshading where you're departing from it) will help, and thinking about the tone you're trying to set (see previous reviews) will carry you a fair way toward the rest. I also broadly agree with the other comments' assessments.
Tier: Needs Work
And then, in the second scene, there's a bright white light in Celestia's eyes, and:
The light brightened with even more intensity.
The ponies in the chamber trembled and cowered under their seats.
A crystal heart surrounded in a pink light appeared at the top of the chamber. The heart slowly descended to the center of the room and then exploded in a flash of light and colour. When the ponies finally raised their eyes again, they found instead a very confused pink alicorn.
Luna gasped. “Is that Captain Cadance?”
Cadance looked at the princesses “Celestia? Luna? Wha... what happened...? Wha...? Where I am?”
We've seen an alicorn ascension, in the Season 3 closer, and this looks nothing like Twilight's. She didn't come out confused. She did something herself to earn it (rather than the implication here with Cadance that Celestia's magic surged and did something to her, like maybe teleportation or something). Twilight's ascension also happened on another plane rather than right in front of everypony, and she returned to basically the same place she started. So I didn't know what to make of this until I read it a lot closer, and even when I realized what you were going for it still felt dubious.
I do like Luna's attitudes here, and (without the caps-lock, which is to textual outrage what autotune is to music) you could have a good thing going with the councillors. I think clarifying the Cadance thing and bringing it closer in line with canon (or lampshading where you're departing from it) will help, and thinking about the tone you're trying to set (see previous reviews) will carry you a fair way toward the rest. I also broadly agree with the other comments' assessments.
Tier: Needs Work
>>horizon >>GroaningGreyAgony >>CoffeeMinion
By-Ones this round? Works for me.
Undying Glove: When Twilight finally catches up with her last Canterlot friend and tells her about the mirror portal, a tearful Lyra tells her about the ancient tradition of the Anthropologists, passed down from mother to daughter in preparation for this glorious day.
Hen Sister's Keeper: The story of how Fluttershy became Scootaloo's legal guardian after finding her squatting in the chicken coop.
Comportment: A stream-of-consciousness inner monologue of all of the nasty thoughts Princess Celestia is too polite to say.
A Trip to the Stare: Gilda comes out of the toy store at the same time Fluttershy emerges from the Neighponese import shop across the street. A ferocious, silent battle of wills ensues before they agree to a truce. And maybe seeing each others' purchases later.
A Buttery of Excuses: Rarity comes to the Castle of Friendship one night eager to explore Twilight's wine cellar. It takes Twilight five minutes to suspect that innuendo might be involved.
The Alleles of Harm Only: Twilight's cure for the Nightmare Moon Virus? An even worse virus! Spike writes to Celestia, telling her that Twilight's cackling about the fools at the Gifted School again.
Off With This Head: A typical day at a hydra beauty salon.
Oh, and one crossover because I like the idea too much:
Death Princess Party: Twilight wants a funeral. Squeaky Wheel wants a princess. Party Favor wants an aspirin.
By-Ones this round? Works for me.
Undying Glove: When Twilight finally catches up with her last Canterlot friend and tells her about the mirror portal, a tearful Lyra tells her about the ancient tradition of the Anthropologists, passed down from mother to daughter in preparation for this glorious day.
Hen Sister's Keeper: The story of how Fluttershy became Scootaloo's legal guardian after finding her squatting in the chicken coop.
Comportment: A stream-of-consciousness inner monologue of all of the nasty thoughts Princess Celestia is too polite to say.
A Trip to the Stare: Gilda comes out of the toy store at the same time Fluttershy emerges from the Neighponese import shop across the street. A ferocious, silent battle of wills ensues before they agree to a truce. And maybe seeing each others' purchases later.
A Buttery of Excuses: Rarity comes to the Castle of Friendship one night eager to explore Twilight's wine cellar. It takes Twilight five minutes to suspect that innuendo might be involved.
The Alleles of Harm Only: Twilight's cure for the Nightmare Moon Virus? An even worse virus! Spike writes to Celestia, telling her that Twilight's cackling about the fools at the Gifted School again.
Off With This Head: A typical day at a hydra beauty salon.
Oh, and one crossover because I like the idea too much:
Death Princess Party: Twilight wants a funeral. Squeaky Wheel wants a princess. Party Favor wants an aspirin.
What the others said. To extend the story's opening analogy, the brushwork here is exquisite, and the finished product is a mess of clashing strokes. The "you" of the story appears to explicitly be the "you" who Twilight begins a bedtime story for in the last line, which makes the maternal relationship with the young-child "you" jar greatly against the deep metaphors and complex concepts of the core of the story, and that slams me to a halt while trying to parse this in any way that allows me to approach the deeper meanings.
... actually, I think that maybe, maybe, the framing of the story everyone sees is wrong. The ending isn't the frame. The ending is within the picture. The first line is the frame. The audience is "you" the reader, who is not a young pony; that's just the image Twilight is trying to use to convey her emotions. But if that's the case, the unreliable narration of that final section is asking a great deal of the story, since once we introduce unreliable narration it's equally plausible to do what everyone here is assuming and throw out the first bit. Perhaps returning to the original frame at the end rather than recursing would properly identify the meta-levels here.
Tier: Almost There
... actually, I think that maybe, maybe, the framing of the story everyone sees is wrong. The ending isn't the frame. The ending is within the picture. The first line is the frame. The audience is "you" the reader, who is not a young pony; that's just the image Twilight is trying to use to convey her emotions. But if that's the case, the unreliable narration of that final section is asking a great deal of the story, since once we introduce unreliable narration it's equally plausible to do what everyone here is assuming and throw out the first bit. Perhaps returning to the original frame at the end rather than recursing would properly identify the meta-levels here.
Tier: Almost There
A minute and a half until prelims end, and I'm kind of relieved, because the process of trying to properly order new stories into a slate that already contains 40 ranked votes is making me want to stab something.
I'm preferentially dragging my lower-ranked ones on, and hopefully can have a more manageable ballot to juggle when the others proceed to finals. Good luck, all.
I'm preferentially dragging my lower-ranked ones on, and hopefully can have a more manageable ballot to juggle when the others proceed to finals. Good luck, all.
I wonder if the response to "Is this safe?" is implying that the Twilight we've been reading about all story is actually Discord.
I'm having a lot of trouble reading Twilight as in-character otherwise, but the hints for my spoilered guess are pretty subtle.
I'm having a lot of trouble reading Twilight as in-character otherwise, but the hints for my spoilered guess are pretty subtle.
Well, I can see who wrote this now, so I can't say this is an unbiased review. But I thought it was funny and I wish it had been on my slate. The ending was stolen outright from a classic Simpsons episode, which is risky because not everyone may have seen it, but I think you adapted it to MLP well enough to basically pull it off. And lampshading it with the title buys you some measure of safety.
Pinkie's fourth wall break was fine with me, but what I don't understand is how the ending connects to everything that came before. Maybe I just missed the metaphor? :-p
Pinkie's fourth wall break was fine with me, but what I don't understand is how the ending connects to everything that came before. Maybe I just missed the metaphor? :-p
I found your story in a song, but unfortunately I can't embed Youtube videos here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRG5B_umo6U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRG5B_umo6U
Power Pony Adventures: El Taco Loco vs. The Red Menace: A Retrospective: Attack of the Colons
I took a couple of risks here. First, of course, was trying to cram ~4000+ words of story into a 750-word package, which is never a good idea. There came a point where I realized there was no way to pull this off within the word limit, but I didn't have time to either backtrack or write something different, so I tried and ultimately failed to stick a landing with what I had. I suppose in the end I don't regret the attempt, and I think it'll turn out much better with a higher word count.
The second risk was... well, given the subject matter, I'm about 90% sure that a couple people knew I wrote this from the get-go. If you're wondering WTF I'm talking about, I'll leave you with a link to a crackfic which was praised by no less than Present Perfect, and which looms large in my tiny little corner of FimFiction. Here's also a Youtube reading I did of that fic. The tl;dr is that I'm riffing on some very familiar themes here, so I needed to be careful not to out myself any more than I already had by writing this in the first place.
So in summary, thanks to everyone who read and commented on it! The response people gave this exceeded my expectations, and it bolsters my confidence that this'll end up being expanded to a full-length story. I may have even commissioned some cover art for it, which I swear I never do...
(Edit: how did I not see the potential SW ep.2 joke sooner. :facehoof: )
I'm ashamed of this one. Want to kill self. However, thank you to all who read and gave feedback, I really apperciate it :)
Great story. Agree with >>Morning Sun that Celestia shouldn't actually be the fall gal, although IMHO Celestia was joking. Both seem in-character to me. The writing is great. Celestia's final line is funny and practical, and also undercuts everything Twilight said by suggesting she's just going thru a phase (those unsettled aught years).
... but how did you know about my enthusiasm for bicycles?
... but how did you know about my enthusiasm for bicycles?
>>FrontSevens
No need to be ashamed. As I said, there is the potential to be something great IMHO.
No need to be ashamed. As I said, there is the potential to be something great IMHO.
Well, thank you very much all of you for your comments! It may be a silly thing but this is my first story ever publicly published in english, so I’m happy as hell just with having feedback and knowing that some people had fun with it. I’m gonna try to take your suggestions in consideration and edit this story so I can also have my first FiMFiction story published. :D
I have to say that I couldn’t have done it without the huge help of Pascoite who endured proofreading my first draft with it’s multiple punctuation and grammar mistakes.
Funny thing; I left the title for last moment, (I won’t repeat that mistake) and for that I didn’t notice that I had made a mistake with it, it was supposed to be “One alicorn too much” *facepalm*
Now, answering the comments:
>>Trick_Question I will take this to heart! Apart of editing the caps-locks trying to make the humour more balanced will be my main objective.
>>FanOfMostEverything I’m gonna take this in consideration, especially since other people seems to agree with this, though I don’t know exactly what to do with it.
To be honest, I didn’t thought that the story needed more after the punchline. I did thought that the story may have need more in the middle, but I don’t know if it’s important what happens after the punchline. The plot simplified is this: the nobleponies are scared of alicorns powers so they try to ban them, the princesses go to the nobleponies to try to calm and assure them that there is nothing to fear; then they fail because the event coincides with Cadence ascension and the consequently sudden appearance of a new alicorn: chaos happens. I think that the story has a resolution: the failure of the princesses.
Evidently, though, I do need to edit this to make that resolution more evident or the story more aligned with it, or otherwise people wouldn’t be commenting about the sudden ending.
>>CoffeeMinion. I had some problems with the chancellor's name. I knew the original was Smart Cookie, (and the chancellor was Puddinghead), I wanted to give him a name similar to that so people could notice that the story happened a while ago, but not the same because I didn’t think it was so long ago. Maybe I just kept him nameless and put another hint for the time.
Through, now that I think about, if Luna it’s there, that means that Cadence has to be more than a 1000 years long, I’ve read stories with that headcanon so I don’t have a problem with that.
>>Orbiting_kettle Apart from what already answered to the others, I will see what I can do with the beginning.
>>horizon Well, besides being a “corporal”, it’s directly say that she is a pegasus;
That was the tricky part, I wanted to do certain subtle foreshadowing that leaded to Cadance ascension later but without being too noticeable so people didn’t immediately realized that Cadence would play an important paper. I don’t know if I can do much with that part.
I did though that the ascension part was a little confusing, but I couldn’t make it more clear with the time given, that indeed was my failure.
Thoug, I did re-watch Twilight ascension: Twilight disappears inside the library and then appears outside; she becomes an alicorn after appearing outside the library (not in the other plane) and she is confused (she discover in that moment that she had become an alicorn). Then the sequence about the floating pink cutie-mark was copied exactly from Twilight ascension.
The only thing different from the Twi experience is that she appeared a short distance from it’s original point, and Cadance did a long distance, but I thought that all the other similarities would be enough that people could figure that a so rare magic event didn’t have to be exactly the same
This was incredible fun for me to write, and I’m really happy that some of you found funny enough, it was my greater motive; thank you very much everyone!.
PD: I also now know that you don't have to publish a story as "anonymous", what a shame.
I have to say that I couldn’t have done it without the huge help of Pascoite who endured proofreading my first draft with it’s multiple punctuation and grammar mistakes.
Funny thing; I left the title for last moment, (I won’t repeat that mistake) and for that I didn’t notice that I had made a mistake with it, it was supposed to be “One alicorn too much” *facepalm*
Now, answering the comments:
>>Trick_Question I will take this to heart! Apart of editing the caps-locks trying to make the humour more balanced will be my main objective.
>>FanOfMostEverything I’m gonna take this in consideration, especially since other people seems to agree with this, though I don’t know exactly what to do with it.
To be honest, I didn’t thought that the story needed more after the punchline. I did thought that the story may have need more in the middle, but I don’t know if it’s important what happens after the punchline. The plot simplified is this: the nobleponies are scared of alicorns powers so they try to ban them, the princesses go to the nobleponies to try to calm and assure them that there is nothing to fear; then they fail because the event coincides with Cadence ascension and the consequently sudden appearance of a new alicorn: chaos happens. I think that the story has a resolution: the failure of the princesses.
Evidently, though, I do need to edit this to make that resolution more evident or the story more aligned with it, or otherwise people wouldn’t be commenting about the sudden ending.
>>CoffeeMinion. I had some problems with the chancellor's name. I knew the original was Smart Cookie, (and the chancellor was Puddinghead), I wanted to give him a name similar to that so people could notice that the story happened a while ago, but not the same because I didn’t think it was so long ago. Maybe I just kept him nameless and put another hint for the time.
Through, now that I think about, if Luna it’s there, that means that Cadence has to be more than a 1000 years long, I’ve read stories with that headcanon so I don’t have a problem with that.
>>Orbiting_kettle Apart from what already answered to the others, I will see what I can do with the beginning.
>>horizon Well, besides being a “corporal”, it’s directly say that she is a pegasus;
Where is your other captain, the pegasus mare?
That was the tricky part, I wanted to do certain subtle foreshadowing that leaded to Cadance ascension later but without being too noticeable so people didn’t immediately realized that Cadence would play an important paper. I don’t know if I can do much with that part.
I did though that the ascension part was a little confusing, but I couldn’t make it more clear with the time given, that indeed was my failure.
Thoug, I did re-watch Twilight ascension: Twilight disappears inside the library and then appears outside; she becomes an alicorn after appearing outside the library (not in the other plane) and she is confused (she discover in that moment that she had become an alicorn). Then the sequence about the floating pink cutie-mark was copied exactly from Twilight ascension.
The only thing different from the Twi experience is that she appeared a short distance from it’s original point, and Cadance did a long distance, but I thought that all the other similarities would be enough that people could figure that a so rare magic event didn’t have to be exactly the same
This was incredible fun for me to write, and I’m really happy that some of you found funny enough, it was my greater motive; thank you very much everyone!.
PD: I also now know that you don't have to publish a story as "anonymous", what a shame.
Ah!
Honestly, this is something I wish more political leaders would consider doing. Going undercover to feel the actual pulse of the nation.
Eh. Maybe all the alicorns can switch, so that one at a time there is always someone actually immersed in the recent culture
Honestly, this is something I wish more political leaders would consider doing. Going undercover to feel the actual pulse of the nation.
Eh. Maybe all the alicorns can switch, so that one at a time there is always someone actually immersed in the recent culture
>>ArgonMatrix >>FanOfMostEverything >>ChappedPenguinLips >>devas
Woo! It's over and I can FINALLY address the prompt disconnect that you've all been seeing. Now I get why you saw it, I mean there were No Princesses Included in the story at ALL (I kid, I'm better than THAT), but TBH strict adherence to the prompt is less important to me than your thoughts on the piece and the actual accomplishment of the task itself.
As for the relation to the actual prompt, I brainstormed for a few hours and nothing princess-y peeked my interest, so I abstracted a bit. In the story I took the concept of the 'Princess' from the perspective of the old fairy tales where the knights were always saving them and I saw them as more of the 'prize' than as an actual position. From that perspective the prompt basically reads 'the thing you want is not here' or in a more pop-culture view 'your princess is in another castle'.
If Sage = Princess | Presence = False
Then *Princess Not Included = True
Glad to get that out there, do with it what you will. Anyway! Thanks everyone for commenting, I really appreciate it!
Woo! It's over and I can FINALLY address the prompt disconnect that you've all been seeing. Now I get why you saw it, I mean there were No Princesses Included in the story at ALL (I kid, I'm better than THAT), but TBH strict adherence to the prompt is less important to me than your thoughts on the piece and the actual accomplishment of the task itself.
As for the relation to the actual prompt, I brainstormed for a few hours and nothing princess-y peeked my interest, so I abstracted a bit. In the story I took the concept of the 'Princess' from the perspective of the old fairy tales where the knights were always saving them and I saw them as more of the 'prize' than as an actual position. From that perspective the prompt basically reads 'the thing you want is not here' or in a more pop-culture view 'your princess is in another castle'.
If Sage = Princess | Presence = False
Then *Princess Not Included = True
Glad to get that out there, do with it what you will. Anyway! Thanks everyone for commenting, I really appreciate it!
>>Trick_Question >>FanOfMostEverything >>Orbiting_kettle >>Misternick >>Not_A_Hat >>Bachiavellian
Thanks for the reviews, everyone.
The only idea I really had going into this was "the idea that Twilight's Sparkly Castle was built by a bunch of low paid construction workers, rather than magic, is amusing." as I wrote it that also shifted into "and something vaguely sinister is going on" but I didn't really have a good idea for what it was, and that was reflected in the story, and apparently was a bit unsatisfying.
Oh well. I wrote the whole thing in an hour while sitting in the video game room of a convention. I'll save the effort for the next contest.
See you all at the Original Short Story!
Thanks for the reviews, everyone.
The only idea I really had going into this was "the idea that Twilight's Sparkly Castle was built by a bunch of low paid construction workers, rather than magic, is amusing." as I wrote it that also shifted into "and something vaguely sinister is going on" but I didn't really have a good idea for what it was, and that was reflected in the story, and apparently was a bit unsatisfying.
Oh well. I wrote the whole thing in an hour while sitting in the video game room of a convention. I'll save the effort for the next contest.
See you all at the Original Short Story!
>>Not_A_Hat
I was thinking it = love poetry, but I see I never said that. :| So I edited my comment.
More the latter. The history of criticism is full of people saying "You're all wrong, and now I shall tell you what a proper poem / story is!" There are certain story types and poem types that have appealed to certain personality types across history, so giving my own opinion on what is proper poetry would be like telling people who are't like me that they have the wrong personality type.
(That would be true, of course, but rude.)
What do you mean by the word 'it' in this context? Did poetry better? Did criticism better?
I was thinking it = love poetry, but I see I never said that. :| So I edited my comment.
I'm also curious about your indecision here. Are you unwilling to give a personal answer because you haven't formed one, or because you don't believe personal answers are worth giving in this context?
More the latter. The history of criticism is full of people saying "You're all wrong, and now I shall tell you what a proper poem / story is!" There are certain story types and poem types that have appealed to certain personality types across history, so giving my own opinion on what is proper poetry would be like telling people who are't like me that they have the wrong personality type.
(That would be true, of course, but rude.)
Some cute interaction, with just enough conflict to glue it together; it works well enough, although it doesn't go past 'kinda cute and silly'.
At the beginning, I couldn't decide if this was EQG or not. Fainting-couch Rarity is a ponyland thing in my head, but then they're at the mall... however, Twilight calls them 'everypony' but then they have hands? It took about a third of the story to clear that up for me, which was a bit off-putting. I'd suggest signaling that sooner, but... this is the sort of thing that would show up in a story description or what, usually. So it's probably fine, outside of the writeoffs.
At the beginning, I couldn't decide if this was EQG or not. Fainting-couch Rarity is a ponyland thing in my head, but then they're at the mall... however, Twilight calls them 'everypony' but then they have hands? It took about a third of the story to clear that up for me, which was a bit off-putting. I'd suggest signaling that sooner, but... this is the sort of thing that would show up in a story description or what, usually. So it's probably fine, outside of the writeoffs.
Ooooor, they could have her attacked by a psychic parasite which causes her to publicly fight with Celestia, who then seals her in the m--
Oh wait, they did that one already, didn't they.
This was really good. Excellent character work all around, enough arc to keep me interested, and a hook! More stores need hooks. Nice work!
Oh wait, they did that one already, didn't they.
This was really good. Excellent character work all around, enough arc to keep me interested, and a hook! More stores need hooks. Nice work!
I feel like it would have been really easy for this to go in any direction. I don't think Twilight needed to end this still feeling depressed? She could have just as easily been cheered up by realizing what she did during Tirek's attack is what these ponies are practicing for, or something like that.
I'm not saying that as criticism; your ending is perfectly understandable too. But what it means, I think, is that I'm not understanding the character motivations here on the level you'd like me to? Although your characters work fairly well, they're just not deep enough for me here. Perhaps that's on my end, I dunno.
I'm not saying that as criticism; your ending is perfectly understandable too. But what it means, I think, is that I'm not understanding the character motivations here on the level you'd like me to? Although your characters work fairly well, they're just not deep enough for me here. Perhaps that's on my end, I dunno.
>>MrExtra
An interesting thought process, but the story didn't make that "Sage = Princess" connection at all clear. A shame; this was the only story in my top twenty that didn't make it into the finals.
An interesting thought process, but the story didn't make that "Sage = Princess" connection at all clear. A shame; this was the only story in my top twenty that didn't make it into the finals.
I feel like this tipped it's hand too hard in the title and in the opening remarks. If you settle the ending too hard too fast, it robs the story of tension, which is a shame. Some of the jokes were funny, and you turned a nice phrase or two: "Flat enough to give a papercut" made me smile. If it was a little less front-heavy and had a round of polish on it for some of the awkward constructions, this would be pretty great. As it is, it's still pretty good.
This was silly and I laughed.
I do feel like the phantasms were a bit of a red herring; they came up several times, but you never did anything with them. I also thought the notation headings were mostly pointless from the first and second, and nearly skipped the third; I'd try and make it clear that things are being shuffled in the second one, so that people are less likely to tune them out.
Oh, and while going to see Zecora was cute, it might be worth mentioning why they're going to Zecora, and not Ponyville General.
I'm guessing the connection to the prompt is that she can't actually say 'princess'?
I do feel like the phantasms were a bit of a red herring; they came up several times, but you never did anything with them. I also thought the notation headings were mostly pointless from the first and second, and nearly skipped the third; I'd try and make it clear that things are being shuffled in the second one, so that people are less likely to tune them out.
Oh, and while going to see Zecora was cute, it might be worth mentioning why they're going to Zecora, and not Ponyville General.
I'm guessing the connection to the prompt is that she can't actually say 'princess'?
Got a fair bit of mood whiplash from this one. I dunno if this idea is actually too large for a minific or not, but the way it's presented here.... it really doesn't seem to fit. I'd like to prescribe more words, but there may indeed be a way to do this more elegantly in the same amount of space? I just don't see it myself.
Oh, and for a bit I was wondering if this was a sequel to that one pinkie-is-a-changeling fic that TQ wrote. That would have been interesting.
I did like the stinger at the end, but I really felt disconnected from the rest of this, although the mechanics here are very solid.
Oh, and for a bit I was wondering if this was a sequel to that one pinkie-is-a-changeling fic that TQ wrote. That would have been interesting.
I did like the stinger at the end, but I really felt disconnected from the rest of this, although the mechanics here are very solid.
>>Bad Horse
Thanks for the clarification; I like learning how other people think. I'd comment on your not giving personal answers, but... that's kinda out of context, so I'll leave it.
Thanks for the clarification; I like learning how other people think. I'd comment on your not giving personal answers, but... that's kinda out of context, so I'll leave it.
Alright, this scrapes directly across one of my biggest pet peeves. "Little did she know!" I don't like this sort of foreshadowing. It always feels ham-fisted to me, telling where you should be showing, leaving the reader purposefully in the dark in the worst ways.
Well, I may over-react to it too, but still. I think it's inelegant, even if other people don't find it quite as annoying as I do. The only foreshadowing here that I liked at all was when she looked at Flurry Heart.
The story itself is pretty good, though. You've picked a fairly evocative subject and the prose is solid, even if I have no idea where this other princess comes from or why the crystal heart should work this way or what Sombra's curse even is. I mean, I can handwave some of that, but...
Ech, I'll stop nitpicking. Sorry.
Well, I may over-react to it too, but still. I think it's inelegant, even if other people don't find it quite as annoying as I do. The only foreshadowing here that I liked at all was when she looked at Flurry Heart.
The story itself is pretty good, though. You've picked a fairly evocative subject and the prose is solid, even if I have no idea where this other princess comes from or why the crystal heart should work this way or what Sombra's curse even is. I mean, I can handwave some of that, but...
Ech, I'll stop nitpicking. Sorry.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Morning Sun
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Misternick
>>EmotionalFlight
>>georg
Some words about In the Sun’s Private Abode:
Well, thanks to all the people who read and appreciated it. I was especially pleased you found either the writing or the idea solid. Frankly, this zany idea popped up from nowhere. I can’t even remember binge drinking or whatever, so I must really be whacky at some fundamental level. But this was much fun to write anyway.
For those who wondered why did the Princesses linger in the castle, well, they had to find a job.
Georg, I agree some phrasing was awkward, but writing on an iPhone in the middle of a shambolic weekend is not easy! :P Also thanks for the A- grade, much appreciated!
I didn’t intend to put much into this story than the crazy reveal, so I was rather pleased to find that most people wished it would’ve been more elaborated, with wittier dialogues and sharper humour. Due to the 750-word limit, I could only drop limited hints (like the shifting crowd or the “such luxury!” remark, or the crate locked away in the cellar as an intimation that the new regime has its own capers) in this version. Some expansion will be welcome.
The end was a bit blunt and came out of left field, as you all noted. I was, and still am, a bit at a loss to find a proper ending to this, so I just sorta copped out, and that was probably this version’s most egregious weakness. Any suggestion welcome.
In any case, thanks to all, good luck to the finalists and see you next round!
>>Morning Sun
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Misternick
>>EmotionalFlight
>>georg
Some words about In the Sun’s Private Abode:
Well, thanks to all the people who read and appreciated it. I was especially pleased you found either the writing or the idea solid. Frankly, this zany idea popped up from nowhere. I can’t even remember binge drinking or whatever, so I must really be whacky at some fundamental level. But this was much fun to write anyway.
For those who wondered why did the Princesses linger in the castle, well, they had to find a job.
Georg, I agree some phrasing was awkward, but writing on an iPhone in the middle of a shambolic weekend is not easy! :P Also thanks for the A- grade, much appreciated!
I didn’t intend to put much into this story than the crazy reveal, so I was rather pleased to find that most people wished it would’ve been more elaborated, with wittier dialogues and sharper humour. Due to the 750-word limit, I could only drop limited hints (like the shifting crowd or the “such luxury!” remark, or the crate locked away in the cellar as an intimation that the new regime has its own capers) in this version. Some expansion will be welcome.
The end was a bit blunt and came out of left field, as you all noted. I was, and still am, a bit at a loss to find a proper ending to this, so I just sorta copped out, and that was probably this version’s most egregious weakness. Any suggestion welcome.
In any case, thanks to all, good luck to the finalists and see you next round!
Descended, sweetie.
D-Dubs, is that you?
This was simple and sweet, and I appreciated the 'immortal ennui' subversion. I felt Twilight's voicing was a little off... but perhaps that's to be expected with how old she could be here? Still threw me a bit, especially at the beginning.
>>KwirkyJ
>>Pastoral
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Morning Sun
>>Monokeras
>>Chryssi
>>FanOfMostEverything
Many thanks for the positive and constructive comments! And to the negative comments, thanks as well, and a mea culpa. This is a flawed story, and I’m afraid that I knew it full well on submission.
It happened in this way. As this is my first writeoff, I was unaware that multiple submissions were an option, so I focused on making one full length story. From my list of viable ideas, I wasn’t much attracted to the “princess socially excluded” dialogue, for I was sure it was already trodden ground and I couldn’t see a way to put an original spin on it or finish it off in a satisfying manner. I played with it, got the idea to have Twilight & Cadance discuss it over a chess game, and tried it anyway, hoping to find inspiration as I proceeded, and figuring I could end it with another idea if I failed.
In brief, I didn’t find anything I considered worthy, it was uncomfortably past bedtime, and I was running out of steam; thus I decided to “finish” the story with the “Twilight is a Battery” idea. So, yes, this is truly a Frankenstory. I hope no one feels it was an utter waste of time to read. I tried to apply some polish to it but could not conceal the structural flaws.
Thanks to everyone for reading! I am unlikely to present this on FIM as its own story, but may save the chess descriptions in the spare parts box, so to speak.
>>Pastoral
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Morning Sun
>>Monokeras
>>Chryssi
>>FanOfMostEverything
Many thanks for the positive and constructive comments! And to the negative comments, thanks as well, and a mea culpa. This is a flawed story, and I’m afraid that I knew it full well on submission.
It happened in this way. As this is my first writeoff, I was unaware that multiple submissions were an option, so I focused on making one full length story. From my list of viable ideas, I wasn’t much attracted to the “princess socially excluded” dialogue, for I was sure it was already trodden ground and I couldn’t see a way to put an original spin on it or finish it off in a satisfying manner. I played with it, got the idea to have Twilight & Cadance discuss it over a chess game, and tried it anyway, hoping to find inspiration as I proceeded, and figuring I could end it with another idea if I failed.
In brief, I didn’t find anything I considered worthy, it was uncomfortably past bedtime, and I was running out of steam; thus I decided to “finish” the story with the “Twilight is a Battery” idea. So, yes, this is truly a Frankenstory. I hope no one feels it was an utter waste of time to read. I tried to apply some polish to it but could not conceal the structural flaws.
Thanks to everyone for reading! I am unlikely to present this on FIM as its own story, but may save the chess descriptions in the spare parts box, so to speak.
>>FrontSevens
Nothing to be ashamed of. This had its heart in the right place as character destruction comedy; commenters were thrown about the slavery thing but I'll bet at least some of them watched Friendship Is Witchcraft do the same thing without blinking. I think it could have worked going full crackfic … being subtler about its humor while being more blatant that it was completely unserious, if that makes sense?
Experimenting is the heart and soul of Writeoffs, and you — along with everyone who finished a fic — accomplished something here, even if the story could use polishing.
Plus you used me as a character, so there's that.* ^.^
--
* Flim hired me to put on a disguise kit and play his body double. Hey, it pays the rent.
Nothing to be ashamed of. This had its heart in the right place as character destruction comedy; commenters were thrown about the slavery thing but I'll bet at least some of them watched Friendship Is Witchcraft do the same thing without blinking. I think it could have worked going full crackfic … being subtler about its humor while being more blatant that it was completely unserious, if that makes sense?
Experimenting is the heart and soul of Writeoffs, and you — along with everyone who finished a fic — accomplished something here, even if the story could use polishing.
Plus you used me as a character, so there's that.* ^.^
--
* Flim hired me to put on a disguise kit and play his body double. Hey, it pays the rent.
This has got to be Bad Horse's work. Who else has enough 'Tears of Enemies' to sell them wholesale?
This was interesting, but it kinda went off the deep end on the AU without ever really trying to rationalize it. Although I enjoyed the unfamiliar scenery, I couldn't help but wonder why or how you reached this from the show. I normally don't care too much about how 'pony' something is, but... I'd like at least a sniff of rationalization, I guess? This could have honestly been submitted to an Ofic round with the pony incidentals gone, and it wouldn't have made any difference. Unless this is something from that one episode that I haven't watched yet?
Still, it was fairly amusing, even if the arc was mild at best.
This was interesting, but it kinda went off the deep end on the AU without ever really trying to rationalize it. Although I enjoyed the unfamiliar scenery, I couldn't help but wonder why or how you reached this from the show. I normally don't care too much about how 'pony' something is, but... I'd like at least a sniff of rationalization, I guess? This could have honestly been submitted to an Ofic round with the pony incidentals gone, and it wouldn't have made any difference. Unless this is something from that one episode that I haven't watched yet?
Still, it was fairly amusing, even if the arc was mild at best.
So, uh, who exactly is the buyer?
Also, what about Discord? Or Sombra? Or... well, any of the villains, really? I dunno, I guess they're not exactly important to what's going on here, but I'd like to have some idea why they're around to screw with stuff.
Still, this is a very interesting idea, and I do like what you've got.
Also, what about Discord? Or Sombra? Or... well, any of the villains, really? I dunno, I guess they're not exactly important to what's going on here, but I'd like to have some idea why they're around to screw with stuff.
Still, this is a very interesting idea, and I do like what you've got.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
'Twilight is a battery' sounds an interesting idea is taken and run with on its own, to be honest. It was the jarring effect of it left-fielding that was vexing here. 'Ponies are batteries' could be this like, creepy-icky-good horror story
'Twilight is a battery' sounds an interesting idea is taken and run with on its own, to be honest. It was the jarring effect of it left-fielding that was vexing here. 'Ponies are batteries' could be this like, creepy-icky-good horror story
>>Monokeras
I think the best thing you could do with this one would be showing us more of the tour. It gives you an excuse to elaborate on the revolution and by extension why the former princesses are happy to work as living props in that revolution's wake. That or follow Celestia and Twilight as they discuss things over the course of their cider break. You gave us a tantalizing glimpse at an intriguing world. You just need to build on that.
I think the best thing you could do with this one would be showing us more of the tour. It gives you an excuse to elaborate on the revolution and by extension why the former princesses are happy to work as living props in that revolution's wake. That or follow Celestia and Twilight as they discuss things over the course of their cider break. You gave us a tantalizing glimpse at an intriguing world. You just need to build on that.
You know, I entirely forgot to mention that if the limit on this prompt had been 10 words or less, this would have been my entry:
“Chrysalis got married.”
“Chrysalis got married.”
>>Morning Sun
I agree. My concept of the battery idea was such that I was already picturing a living Twilight being pulled from another world, rather than ponies already being prepackaged as batteries in whatever sick dimension the Collector calls home. Thus, when I was casting about for ways to end the other story, this presented itself as a natural fit and a sort of shocking subversion of the first part, with its dialogue that might be called overdone. I didn’t feel very comfortable with where I was with the first part, and perhaps was relieved to have a way [an excuse] to jump abruptly out of it.
I agree. My concept of the battery idea was such that I was already picturing a living Twilight being pulled from another world, rather than ponies already being prepackaged as batteries in whatever sick dimension the Collector calls home. Thus, when I was casting about for ways to end the other story, this presented itself as a natural fit and a sort of shocking subversion of the first part, with its dialogue that might be called overdone. I didn’t feel very comfortable with where I was with the first part, and perhaps was relieved to have a way [an excuse] to jump abruptly out of it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thanks for the advice FoME! I’m really delighted this puny story drew your attention! :) :heart:
Thanks for the advice FoME! I’m really delighted this puny story drew your attention! :) :heart:
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>GaPJaxie
>>ArgonMatrix
>>Bachiavellian
This story is the by-product of an idea for the "Ship Sinkers" that I proved unable to write. The prompt didn't resonate with me for anything new, so I tried to adapt the ideas from there to this story about Rarity reacting to events I had imagined. Fundamental point of note absent from comments: No, Blueblood doesn't know these things, at least as Rarity views it; the narrative-like recount stems from her (1) making her case and (2) processing as she leads up to destroying (one of) the pendant (pair); it is, at its core, a "The Reason You Suck" Speech.
Patterns matched: No Rarity.
>>Trick_Question
I'm so sorry that the text asks you to think.
>>GaPJaxie
>>ArgonMatrix
>>Bachiavellian
This story is the by-product of an idea for the "Ship Sinkers" that I proved unable to write. The prompt didn't resonate with me for anything new, so I tried to adapt the ideas from there to this story about Rarity reacting to events I had imagined. Fundamental point of note absent from comments: No, Blueblood doesn't know these things, at least as Rarity views it; the narrative-like recount stems from her (1) making her case and (2) processing as she leads up to destroying (one of) the pendant (pair); it is, at its core, a "The Reason You Suck" Speech.
Patterns matched: No Rarity.
>>Trick_Question
I'm so sorry that the text asks you to think.
>>Cold in Gardez
>>MCA
>>Trick_Question
>>Crimmar
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Bad Horse
>>Misternick
WELP.
Thanks for reading, guys! I had just hammered this little thing out over the course of an hour last week-- and I have a terrible habit of getting impatient and posting stuff before really giving it a fine-tuning. That, and I'd forgotten the word limit was 750 words, not 700. Oops.
In any case, I was going for an absurdist, SNL-advertising-like vibe. Somewhat akin to the "Super Happy Fun Ball" sketch, which ... I can't seem to find the original on Youtube. Nuts. (Upon basic poking, I can't seem to find the Old Glory Insurance bit either. Double-nuts).
I guess next time I'll need to play around with it a little more to make it stick a little better. Or ... something. Huh.
Or, well, we'll see how things go next writeoff!
>>MCA
>>Trick_Question
>>Crimmar
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Bad Horse
>>Misternick
WELP.
Thanks for reading, guys! I had just hammered this little thing out over the course of an hour last week-- and I have a terrible habit of getting impatient and posting stuff before really giving it a fine-tuning. That, and I'd forgotten the word limit was 750 words, not 700. Oops.
In any case, I was going for an absurdist, SNL-advertising-like vibe. Somewhat akin to the "Super Happy Fun Ball" sketch, which ... I can't seem to find the original on Youtube. Nuts. (Upon basic poking, I can't seem to find the Old Glory Insurance bit either. Double-nuts).
I guess next time I'll need to play around with it a little more to make it stick a little better. Or ... something. Huh.
Or, well, we'll see how things go next writeoff!
>>KwirkyJ
Feedback is feedback. You don't have to agree with it, but being passive-aggressive with your critics does nothing to make your writing any better.
I'd be happy to not comment on future work you do, but I can't, because the Writeoff is anonymous. Either way, I apologize if my tone comes off too strongly-worded. I know I'm really bad at that, and I'm not sure how to mitigate it.
I'm so sorry that the text asks you to think.
Feedback is feedback. You don't have to agree with it, but being passive-aggressive with your critics does nothing to make your writing any better.
I'd be happy to not comment on future work you do, but I can't, because the Writeoff is anonymous. Either way, I apologize if my tone comes off too strongly-worded. I know I'm really bad at that, and I'm not sure how to mitigate it.
I'm probably not going to be able to provide additional feedback for the rest of the round. I'm a little over my head with stuff at present, in more ways than one.
This is generally unrelated to any of the posts or exchanges on writeoff.me—I'm just having a hard time even reading stories at the moment, let alone writing.
This is generally unrelated to any of the posts or exchanges on writeoff.me—I'm just having a hard time even reading stories at the moment, let alone writing.
Since the author has admitted to it on his own, yeah, I helped with this one. I did a bunch of proofreading, which might not have been too effective, depending on how much of it got rewritten anyway. The caps lock is the kind of thing that has bothered me less and less over the years, as long as it's not all over the place. But the two main points I left comments on in the Gdoc are the ones most people seem to be making here: I thought many readers would find the ending a bit confusing, and that many would find it ends without making a point or completing a story arc.
But considering it's a first-time entrant, it's a solid effort and a good place to start building from.
But considering it's a first-time entrant, it's a solid effort and a good place to start building from.
This is ominous and atmospheric and all, but it kinda just ends before anything actually happens. I suppose that's a better use of minific words than trying to cram the happenings into two or three sentences, but it still leaves me hanging. Still, what's here is really good.
I don't get it. It's making use of that pie warfare gag from Over a Barrel, so it's inherently going to be a goofball story, but it's also coming across as semi-serious. That just won't do when pie assassins are involved. In other words, I don't think this is zany enough.
Clean construction and easy to follow. The prose was well crafted and unobtrusive. Gilda's actions seem consistent, although I'm a little surprised that she was able to lose Rainbow so easily.
I'm a little confused about where Gilda lives. Has she moved to Ponyville? Or was there a flying leg that was glossed over? She did mention not being able to fly.
As with >>horizon given the prompt, the mention of 'pony dolls' was enough for me to guess the ending.
While not mind blowing, this was a solid and well constructed story overall.
I'm a little confused about where Gilda lives. Has she moved to Ponyville? Or was there a flying leg that was glossed over? She did mention not being able to fly.
As with >>horizon given the prompt, the mention of 'pony dolls' was enough for me to guess the ending.
While not mind blowing, this was a solid and well constructed story overall.
Descriptions were good, I liked the body language (though lying down in the store did strike me as a bit odd).
The interplay between the two was fun; they bounced off each other nicely.
One part that did give me a little bit of dissonance was the names. While they were definitely 'pony', Eddy pops into my mind much more readily as a human boy than a unicorn filly.
I liked the inclusion of the philosophy as well.
Overall, this was a cute little vignette.
The interplay between the two was fun; they bounced off each other nicely.
One part that did give me a little bit of dissonance was the names. While they were definitely 'pony', Eddy pops into my mind much more readily as a human boy than a unicorn filly.
I liked the inclusion of the philosophy as well.
Overall, this was a cute little vignette.
Perhaps this very castle will crumble and be forgotten. Perhaps another will attain godhood as you have. Perhaps, someday the clouds will rain milk and sugar instead of water.
...this is kinda really on-the-nose. Like, it broke me out of the story, because I felt the author is winking and laughing since each of these does come true.
And honestly, his 'anything could happen' attitude seems to clash pretty hard with his 'you're stuck with this forever' attitude? Seriously, which one is it? Could she be deposed or thrown down, or is that the one thing that doesn't happen?
Also, as someone who tends more towards 'things aren't inherently evil, it's how you use them', I'm not entirely sure how I feel about his argument here. he never seems to actually address her problem with this; instead, he just pushes past it and forces her to do it anyways. :/
Overall, the impression I get of Starswirl here is that he's either severely misguided or genuinely deceptive, and I don't like either of those.
This was interesting and the characterization was crisp, but overall I find myself with more questions and annoyances than anything.
>>Trick_Question
Re-written in a 'conventional' manner, with exposition containing Blueblood's actions:
I will ask that you note that this narration, while clarifying, adds nothing new to the material already given. The original approach saves on words dedicated to that moment, freeing up material needed elsewhere, as well as being more sophisticated in that it relies on subtext and reader involvement/investment. Tell me how the above approach is necessarily an improvement on what I wrote to begin with.
Furthermore, my objection is largely rooted in the objectivist nature of your critique—by use of language you present your stylistic preference as definitive propriety, "and that simply will not do."
Additionally, I do not believe that an epistolary approach (written letter, as posited) is any improvement, as there is no compulsory reason for Blueblood (or the reader, for that matter) to follow through to the end, nor is the immediacy and necessary quality of the confrontation at all present—indeed, the present-tense story ongoing in this narrative. A letter, as my first few thought loops have concluded, is the worst of both worlds. What the story needs is to be the original five to ten thousand-word novelette that I simply cannot write.
Re-written in a 'conventional' manner, with exposition containing Blueblood's actions:
"I believe you will recognize this little pendant?"
Blueblood's eyes widened as he stood. His mouth opened to object.
"Quiet," Rarity said. Her face was completely unchanged, but her eyes flashed in warning. "I'm not done yet. She told me about it; about the ingenious working you two devised for it. I found the gems for her—did she tell you that?"
Blueblood shook his head in jerks.
"I did. Among the finest in Equestria. Her charm would last a lifetime. Let's see if I'm doing it right. Do you feel that, Blueblood?"
He shivered. His hooves rocketed to his neck—to the string and gem pendant hung there.
"Don't you dare take it off."
He froze, obeying unconsciously to the threat in her voice.
"That's how much I hate you right now. If it weren't for my cultured civility, I'd string you up by your bow-tie on the turret wall.
I will ask that you note that this narration, while clarifying, adds nothing new to the material already given. The original approach saves on words dedicated to that moment, freeing up material needed elsewhere, as well as being more sophisticated in that it relies on subtext and reader involvement/investment. Tell me how the above approach is necessarily an improvement on what I wrote to begin with.
Furthermore, my objection is largely rooted in the objectivist nature of your critique—by use of language you present your stylistic preference as definitive propriety, "and that simply will not do."
Additionally, I do not believe that an epistolary approach (written letter, as posited) is any improvement, as there is no compulsory reason for Blueblood (or the reader, for that matter) to follow through to the end, nor is the immediacy and necessary quality of the confrontation at all present—indeed, the present-tense story ongoing in this narrative. A letter, as my first few thought loops have concluded, is the worst of both worlds. What the story needs is to be the original five to ten thousand-word novelette that I simply cannot write.
>>KwirkyJ
Saying this with all of the love in the world, but you really don't need to be defensive about what you've written. As author, you don't need to answer to anyone about how you choose to tell the story in your head. Reviewers are only here to point out things that we think you might have overlooked/need a fresh pair of eyes on. But if this is something you have thought about and disagree with (which is clearly the case here) you are totally free to disregard it without the need to justify yourself.
Still, you have to give your reviewers the benefit of the doubt. Nobody knows for sure what was intentional in a story or not, even more so since we don't even know who wrote what. Just because we point something out doesn't mean we think you did something objectively wrong or that you're a poor writer. We just want to make sure you have all the information possible regarding how your potential readers are interpreting your story.
Saying this with all of the love in the world, but you really don't need to be defensive about what you've written. As author, you don't need to answer to anyone about how you choose to tell the story in your head. Reviewers are only here to point out things that we think you might have overlooked/need a fresh pair of eyes on. But if this is something you have thought about and disagree with (which is clearly the case here) you are totally free to disregard it without the need to justify yourself.
Still, you have to give your reviewers the benefit of the doubt. Nobody knows for sure what was intentional in a story or not, even more so since we don't even know who wrote what. Just because we point something out doesn't mean we think you did something objectively wrong or that you're a poor writer. We just want to make sure you have all the information possible regarding how your potential readers are interpreting your story.
>>FanOfMostEverything Top twenty? That's... high praise, thank you. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that worked best in the story?
This was great. I really have nothing much to add to what has already been said, except that I too see both Celestia and Twilight as being in-character.
This will be very high on my slate.
This will be very high on my slate.
I liked this one. It was a good example of every character thinking they're the main character in their own story, although as >>Not_A_Hat said the Fluttershy bit was odd. I don't think Flutters would consider herself a leader. Whether she CAN is unimportant because that's not the role she would choose most readily for herself.
That said the story started to go off the rails at the end. Just before the break it was kinda cute and quirky but afterwards, with the band, it felt tacked on and weird. It didn't flow with the rest of the story and felt more like arbitrary hate for the EQG universe than anything. I think the story would have been better without. It's so disconnected from the feel of the rest that, especially with the story sitting at precisely 750 words, it feels more like padding than an addition.
Of course, I never watched the Simpsons so perhaps the joke is just lost on me. Still something to consider.
That said the story started to go off the rails at the end. Just before the break it was kinda cute and quirky but afterwards, with the band, it felt tacked on and weird. It didn't flow with the rest of the story and felt more like arbitrary hate for the EQG universe than anything. I think the story would have been better without. It's so disconnected from the feel of the rest that, especially with the story sitting at precisely 750 words, it feels more like padding than an addition.
Of course, I never watched the Simpsons so perhaps the joke is just lost on me. Still something to consider.
The story kept me pretty on board right up until pinkie popped up. The ‘party is already here’ seemed more discord than pinkie and bumped me out of the rhythm. If she'd dropped in like an orbital ordinance and had a party-splosion I think it would have accomplished the same thing without feeling so jarring, but that's just my solution.
That bit of humor was a bit too sudden, even with the story being centered around Rabble suddenly loosing control of the situation time and again. There just wasn't enough time for me to watch it unravel in his hooves. It felt more like a dream sequence where things don't happen, they just all of a sudden ARE.
That bit of humor was a bit too sudden, even with the story being centered around Rabble suddenly loosing control of the situation time and again. There just wasn't enough time for me to watch it unravel in his hooves. It felt more like a dream sequence where things don't happen, they just all of a sudden ARE.
>>MrExtra
I'm a sucker for toying with narrative conventions, ponies playing RPGs, and Pinkie being Pinkie. If you had managed to throw in Derpy, you'd have hit nearly every positive button I have.
I'm a sucker for toying with narrative conventions, ponies playing RPGs, and Pinkie being Pinkie. If you had managed to throw in Derpy, you'd have hit nearly every positive button I have.
This started as a one-line joke idea, and then I thought I could make something a little more serious out of it. luckily the pun didn't overshadow the whole story, like I was afraid it would, so at least that worked fine.
my intention here was to suggest a tragic end... Twilight's merely producing slightly-different copies of herself, instead of the diverse cast of friends in the canon show. no continuation intended here, this will all be doomed to failure, so no season 3 princess wings for her! (there is the loose thread that connected this to the prompt in my mind)
no one seemed to pick up on this. probably means it's my fault in the execution.
my intention here was to suggest a tragic end... Twilight's merely producing slightly-different copies of herself, instead of the diverse cast of friends in the canon show. no continuation intended here, this will all be doomed to failure, so no season 3 princess wings for her! (there is the loose thread that connected this to the prompt in my mind)
no one seemed to pick up on this. probably means it's my fault in the execution.
I don't know who wouldn't want free surprise pie delivery, honestly.
While I enjoyed the wackiness in this one, it does have some problems. It really seems to meander; the first line starts things off and hooks fairly well, I think, but then it dives into asides with Luna and sorta... loses the thread of the narrative for a while, until it eventually returns and finishes things off.
This is weird to say, but even as a minific it feels kinda... padded?
Still, the absurdity is entertaining. I'm curious about Pinkie Pie's involvement, though.
While I enjoyed the wackiness in this one, it does have some problems. It really seems to meander; the first line starts things off and hooks fairly well, I think, but then it dives into asides with Luna and sorta... loses the thread of the narrative for a while, until it eventually returns and finishes things off.
This is weird to say, but even as a minific it feels kinda... padded?
Still, the absurdity is entertaining. I'm curious about Pinkie Pie's involvement, though.
This is evocative, but weightless. I did like your descriptions, but I'd like to see the actual consequences here, how it really impacted Rarity on a personal level, something to care about.
Still, it was fun.
Oh, and you bring up the Queens in chess. I feel like Rarity might be interested in Kings, too...
Still, it was fun.
Oh, and you bring up the Queens in chess. I feel like Rarity might be interested in Kings, too...
I can't help but feel this takes rather too long to really get going.
Once it does, though, it's fun and interesting character piece, with a few good jokes in there. Though with the way Rarity is talking herself up, I had to read her 'acceptance of the crown' twice to be sure she was actually joking there. I mean, I know she's proud, but really...
Once it does, though, it's fun and interesting character piece, with a few good jokes in there. Though with the way Rarity is talking herself up, I had to read her 'acceptance of the crown' twice to be sure she was actually joking there. I mean, I know she's proud, but really...
There's a lot of setup here for a fairly small piece of musing at the ending. This story kinda works, but I can't help but feel that the target you picked was really very small? That can be a strength, in the minific round, but here... I dunno. This feels extremely end-heavy to me. The writing is good, but a lot of it seems to have very little bearing on the emotional parts of the story. You could cut the court bit, summarize the decree in two sentences, and have very nearly the same narrative. It's good but unambitious?
Oh, and I didn't realize we were in the past until very nearly the end. Orienting your readers sooner would help with that. Have them date something in the court or somesuch.
Oh, and I didn't realize we were in the past until very nearly the end. Orienting your readers sooner would help with that. Have them date something in the court or somesuch.
This took a really strong swerve in the middle, and I think it... mostly works? Still, I think you've crippled your narrative slightly with how quickly you move from 'mostly hopeless situation' to 'mostly resolved situation'. It was interesting and the character stuff was good, but... it never really drew me in as deeply as it might have.
So, this was pretty funny. :P
However, I do feel like the core issue the Jinn's are talking about here hasn't actually been addressed. Didn't they just say she needed friends or somesuch? What makes being an alicorn of the other moon very different?
I also felt that the dialogue of the Jinn in the first half was a little... one note? Maybe it was because they kept saying 'kid' all the time, but I think a personalizing touch there would go a long way to giving them a lot more character.
Still, I definitely smiled at the end of this, and that's worth a fair bit.
However, I do feel like the core issue the Jinn's are talking about here hasn't actually been addressed. Didn't they just say she needed friends or somesuch? What makes being an alicorn of the other moon very different?
I also felt that the dialogue of the Jinn in the first half was a little... one note? Maybe it was because they kept saying 'kid' all the time, but I think a personalizing touch there would go a long way to giving them a lot more character.
Still, I definitely smiled at the end of this, and that's worth a fair bit.
I'm missing a lot of emotion here.
After Megan's death I'd expect something like 'gone-forever-sadness' or 'peaceful-passing-relief' from the characters, but Sophie doesn't seem to react at all, and I don't get to see the rest of her family. Twilight offers a token sad look, but she doesn't even seem upset about losing the one person able to save their world from 'the evil'.
Luckily (for Equestria) that problem is fixed immediately: Sophie gets her granny's power and goes dimension hopping.
Sadly (for me) that resolution felt unsatisfying. There's so much untapped potential in that conflict. For example, if Sophie had a reason for going to Equestria other than "the amulet just spark'd me, might as well save your world now", then she could have an adventure on which she earns the amulet's power. If she went to Equestria without its power available, then the villain might even have a chance.
All in all I'd say this piece reads like the introduction to a 'human fights evil in Equestria' story. It has a whole lot of potential, but doesn't manage to catch my interest by itself.
After Megan's death I'd expect something like 'gone-forever-sadness' or 'peaceful-passing-relief' from the characters, but Sophie doesn't seem to react at all, and I don't get to see the rest of her family. Twilight offers a token sad look, but she doesn't even seem upset about losing the one person able to save their world from 'the evil'.
Luckily (for Equestria) that problem is fixed immediately: Sophie gets her granny's power and goes dimension hopping.
Sadly (for me) that resolution felt unsatisfying. There's so much untapped potential in that conflict. For example, if Sophie had a reason for going to Equestria other than "the amulet just spark'd me, might as well save your world now", then she could have an adventure on which she earns the amulet's power. If she went to Equestria without its power available, then the villain might even have a chance.
All in all I'd say this piece reads like the introduction to a 'human fights evil in Equestria' story. It has a whole lot of potential, but doesn't manage to catch my interest by itself.
>>Bachiavellian
I didn't want to dial into this again, but what I have to say here might help.
Even though I write long and very point-specific reviews, there's a lot of randomness in them. I've accidentally almost reviewed the same story twice before, and discovered that my two reviews completely disagree, even to the point where one review saw as negative something the other review saw as positive.
This is because I experience a pretty strong subjective halo effect with qualitative data. When I first read something, you're getting a pretty random impression of things I noticed that I didn't like. If I took a few weeks to read something and let it set in, you'd get a response that was a lot less random. As-is, the drugs I'm on make it difficult to focus so I easily forget what I was thinking as well as details of what I've read.
I think the point that Bach is reaffirming is that it doesn't make any sense to try to argue against my impression of your story, because it was an impression. Nothing you write could change how I felt at the moment that I wrote my review: even if I were to agree with you after re-reading things, it doesn't mitigate how I perceived the story initially.
Even though there's a lot of randomness in my perception, it can still be useful to a writer. It tells you that I either misinterpreted or didn't like something on my first read through. It's totally valid to say, "the thing you didn't like is something that I really want to keep in the story because it's important to me or to what I want to say", and I expect people to say that a lot because I tend to exaggerate my feelings and I'm often off the mark. Hell, there are times that everypony here thinks something I did in a story was bad for the story, and I still disagree because it was an important thing for me personally—that's natural.
But trying to argue that my impression is wrong in some way is missing the point of critique, and it makes it seem like you aren't interested in hearing what people think when it conflicts with what you want to say. I don't think my reviews are anything special, but you should be grateful to receive feedback even when you think it's totally off the wall, as long as it's constructive and not insulting or person-specific (e.g. "I hate all HiE stories so I hate this story too").
I didn't want to dial into this again, but what I have to say here might help.
Even though I write long and very point-specific reviews, there's a lot of randomness in them. I've accidentally almost reviewed the same story twice before, and discovered that my two reviews completely disagree, even to the point where one review saw as negative something the other review saw as positive.
This is because I experience a pretty strong subjective halo effect with qualitative data. When I first read something, you're getting a pretty random impression of things I noticed that I didn't like. If I took a few weeks to read something and let it set in, you'd get a response that was a lot less random. As-is, the drugs I'm on make it difficult to focus so I easily forget what I was thinking as well as details of what I've read.
I think the point that Bach is reaffirming is that it doesn't make any sense to try to argue against my impression of your story, because it was an impression. Nothing you write could change how I felt at the moment that I wrote my review: even if I were to agree with you after re-reading things, it doesn't mitigate how I perceived the story initially.
Even though there's a lot of randomness in my perception, it can still be useful to a writer. It tells you that I either misinterpreted or didn't like something on my first read through. It's totally valid to say, "the thing you didn't like is something that I really want to keep in the story because it's important to me or to what I want to say", and I expect people to say that a lot because I tend to exaggerate my feelings and I'm often off the mark. Hell, there are times that everypony here thinks something I did in a story was bad for the story, and I still disagree because it was an important thing for me personally—that's natural.
But trying to argue that my impression is wrong in some way is missing the point of critique, and it makes it seem like you aren't interested in hearing what people think when it conflicts with what you want to say. I don't think my reviews are anything special, but you should be grateful to receive feedback even when you think it's totally off the wall, as long as it's constructive and not insulting or person-specific (e.g. "I hate all HiE stories so I hate this story too").
>>FanOfMostEverything
So you've read a lot of these types of stories in the past? One of the biggest problems I was running into when making this, and especially if I was to expand it at all, was the idea of shifting in and out of player and character worlds. The idea of having entire chapters dedicated to in game or out of game play seemed a disservice to the core concept but constantly switching would be potentially worse. Trying to balance the feeling of having both of them running at the same time from both perspectives without having a slurry of breaks is a concern. Have you seen anything that did it well?
Edit: Aaaaaand now you got me wanting to write it with a bunch of cameos. Derpy - the adorable shopkeep who keeps rolling ones. A trio of filly pirates who help our heroes break into a keep in a more effective but less subtle way than intended. A pair of brothers begging for protection from the drake because they sold him some faulty goods.
So you've read a lot of these types of stories in the past? One of the biggest problems I was running into when making this, and especially if I was to expand it at all, was the idea of shifting in and out of player and character worlds. The idea of having entire chapters dedicated to in game or out of game play seemed a disservice to the core concept but constantly switching would be potentially worse. Trying to balance the feeling of having both of them running at the same time from both perspectives without having a slurry of breaks is a concern. Have you seen anything that did it well?
Edit: Aaaaaand now you got me wanting to write it with a bunch of cameos. Derpy - the adorable shopkeep who keeps rolling ones. A trio of filly pirates who help our heroes break into a keep in a more effective but less subtle way than intended. A pair of brothers begging for protection from the drake because they sold him some faulty goods.
>>MrExtra
I recommend Prak's Roll for Initiative as one of the best examples of a ponies playing pen-and-paper pastimes pstory.
I recommend Prak's Roll for Initiative as one of the best examples of a ponies playing pen-and-paper pastimes pstory.
Alrighty you beautiful bastards. First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to not only read but review my story! It means a helluva lot to me to have readers go out of their way and give me nothing more than their thoughts on what I wrote! So most importantly, thanks! Y'all are awesome, and I appreciate the time you took to read and review.
Now... another tidbit... Yes! I did indeed review my own story! Why? Because I really, really hated it! And i was interested in seeing if other writers thought of it the same way I did, and posting a comment kind of just got all of my thoughts out their and formalized. I could have just compared with what I mentally acknowledged, but having it down and in physical form just felt better to me.
You all seemed to like this story a bit more than I did. I despised it. Wrote it at 4am in the morning, so not my best work. This was my first writeoff, and I just wanted to get something out there and have it be passable. I didn't need anything spectacular. I didn't need top ten or twenty; I needed an entry I wouldn't be super ashamed of submitting. And despite my disdain towards this story... I think it has potential. So I'm happy with that at least. And the writing wasn't terrible either. In comparison, sure. But there was worse too, I think.
Now onto answering comments!
>>FanOfMostEverything
FoME. You deserve a lot of praise for what you do. You take the time and effort to give feedback to every single entry, and I don't know many people who have the time or ability to do that. That's incredible, honestly. And I applaud you for doing what you did. It's... awesome! Like, I and I'm sure everyone else is grateful for you, because you put genuine time and effort into every entry which shows you care. So, thanks for caring!
Onto your--excellent, might I say--critique.
You piggybacked off of what I said with how compressed this story feels, and that was my biggest gripe with this story. When I started reading other entries... I realized... I messed up. Most people didn't write stories. They wrote scenes. I tried to pack this story into 750 words, and it just didn't work. I look to adapt this and rewrite it into a short story, but as it stands, it's squeezed as tight as Kevin James' belt.
Also. Bullying a demi-god? You know... I have no argument for that besides most bullies are stupid. And don't think about consequences. So... didn't cross their mind? Honestly, didn't think about the plausibility of the situation, but excellent point!
Thanks!
>>GaPJaxie
7/10? That's three points higher than I would have given it, haha.
Also.
Take it up with Hades.Please get my subtle Disney reference
>>Monokeras
Shining Armor does not skirt the issue actually. He answers Flurry in what I thought was a pretty definitive way. I mean... her dropping all her doubt after a few motivational words that definitiely would have been expanded on if there wasn't a cursed word limit... is that tangible? No. Not at all. I mean... incompetent at some absurd hour in the morning I knew it wasn't realistic. I was just far too exhausted to go for gold. So. I went for a consolation prize, haha.
If what you're focusing on is did Shining Armor handle it in a piss poor way? Yes! He did! And it wouldn't of happened if I cut the first scene like gerog recommended, or if this was a short story, but eh... point is, Shining handled the situation badly, yeah, and it's all the author's fault. Yup!
>>Morning Sun
I can answer you on why you didn't feel an arc. Because an arc builds up. This "arc" didn't. I could credit this to constraints, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't due to poor structuring to comply with the limit. Quite simply, the arc was never really completed fully. You get spurts, I guess, but nothing ever comes full circle. Not properly anyways.
>>georg
I actually toyed with the idea of Flurry being the voice of the kids and excluding the first scene altogether. Where that idea went is beyond me, but I sure wish it would have stayed a while. I feel like this story would have worked way better--or as best as it could--if I went with your suggestion and my iinital plan. But... I managed to screw it up. Eh. It was my first writeoff, so I can only get better!And jinxed
Anyhow! Thanks to all of you! You've helped me fully enjoy my first writeoff despite how much I truly disliked my entry! Y'all are great. : D
Now... another tidbit... Yes! I did indeed review my own story! Why? Because I really, really hated it! And i was interested in seeing if other writers thought of it the same way I did, and posting a comment kind of just got all of my thoughts out their and formalized. I could have just compared with what I mentally acknowledged, but having it down and in physical form just felt better to me.
You all seemed to like this story a bit more than I did. I despised it. Wrote it at 4am in the morning, so not my best work. This was my first writeoff, and I just wanted to get something out there and have it be passable. I didn't need anything spectacular. I didn't need top ten or twenty; I needed an entry I wouldn't be super ashamed of submitting. And despite my disdain towards this story... I think it has potential. So I'm happy with that at least. And the writing wasn't terrible either. In comparison, sure. But there was worse too, I think.
Now onto answering comments!
>>FanOfMostEverything
FoME. You deserve a lot of praise for what you do. You take the time and effort to give feedback to every single entry, and I don't know many people who have the time or ability to do that. That's incredible, honestly. And I applaud you for doing what you did. It's... awesome! Like, I and I'm sure everyone else is grateful for you, because you put genuine time and effort into every entry which shows you care. So, thanks for caring!
Onto your--excellent, might I say--critique.
You piggybacked off of what I said with how compressed this story feels, and that was my biggest gripe with this story. When I started reading other entries... I realized... I messed up. Most people didn't write stories. They wrote scenes. I tried to pack this story into 750 words, and it just didn't work. I look to adapt this and rewrite it into a short story, but as it stands, it's squeezed as tight as Kevin James' belt.
Also. Bullying a demi-god? You know... I have no argument for that besides most bullies are stupid. And don't think about consequences. So... didn't cross their mind? Honestly, didn't think about the plausibility of the situation, but excellent point!
Thanks!
>>GaPJaxie
7/10? That's three points higher than I would have given it, haha.
Also.
Who bullies a god?
Take it up with Hades.
>>Monokeras
Shining Armor does not skirt the issue actually. He answers Flurry in what I thought was a pretty definitive way. I mean... her dropping all her doubt after a few motivational words that definitiely would have been expanded on if there wasn't a cursed word limit... is that tangible? No. Not at all. I mean... incompetent at some absurd hour in the morning I knew it wasn't realistic. I was just far too exhausted to go for gold. So. I went for a consolation prize, haha.
If what you're focusing on is did Shining Armor handle it in a piss poor way? Yes! He did! And it wouldn't of happened if I cut the first scene like gerog recommended, or if this was a short story, but eh... point is, Shining handled the situation badly, yeah, and it's all the author's fault. Yup!
>>Morning Sun
I can answer you on why you didn't feel an arc. Because an arc builds up. This "arc" didn't. I could credit this to constraints, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't due to poor structuring to comply with the limit. Quite simply, the arc was never really completed fully. You get spurts, I guess, but nothing ever comes full circle. Not properly anyways.
>>georg
I actually toyed with the idea of Flurry being the voice of the kids and excluding the first scene altogether. Where that idea went is beyond me, but I sure wish it would have stayed a while. I feel like this story would have worked way better--or as best as it could--if I went with your suggestion and my iinital plan. But... I managed to screw it up. Eh. It was my first writeoff, so I can only get better!
Anyhow! Thanks to all of you! You've helped me fully enjoy my first writeoff despite how much I truly disliked my entry! Y'all are great. : D
Finished reading/voting on our finalists. For those of you who might be interested, my top scorers this round were:
Relinquishing
Only, Only, Only Me
Reason to be Proud
Castle for Rent
An Opportunity for Improvement
I'm not sure if I'll get around to reviewing my initial finalist slate before results are in, but I'll give it my best.
Relinquishing
Only, Only, Only Me
Reason to be Proud
Castle for Rent
An Opportunity for Improvement
I'm not sure if I'll get around to reviewing my initial finalist slate before results are in, but I'll give it my best.
I very much like stories that manage to take me by surprise with fair and interesting twists. That is to say, the switch from silly comedy to sincere origin story was an outstanding point of this piece to me.
Still I believe that while the comedy was beautifully silly, and that switch was just to my taste, the evolution of Cythylla and Idy-yaa into Celestia and Luna would have needed more room to really unfold its huge potential.
Still I believe that while the comedy was beautifully silly, and that switch was just to my taste, the evolution of Cythylla and Idy-yaa into Celestia and Luna would have needed more room to really unfold its huge potential.
I suppose it's about time I got around to writing this retrospective.
Build-A-Pone Retrospective
This story was...a thing that happened. I knew that this story wasn't great when I submitted it, but I was okay with that because it ended up being more of a writing exercise for me than anything else. When I sat down to write it, all I had was the basic concept, and no idea how it would end. I just wrote down whatever came to me, and this is what popped out an hour later. I couldn't think of a decent way to make it better,* so I just submitted it and moved on. I was hoping that since I finished this one so quickly, I would be able to submit a second story for the first time ever, but a combination of real life responsibilities and a general lack of other ideas stopped that from happening.
*Well, I did have one other idea. I considered just going through a huge list of random characters and why they were all ineligible. But the only way I could think to end that idea was with some sort of M.A. Larson joke, and that didn't seem like it would work very well.
>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
I think you've answered your own question. :p
Yes, it was an obvious play on Build-A-Bear. Yes, if this was more realistic, there would be some sort of list of options. Maybe the clerk should have opened with something like "Welcome to Build-A-Pone, where we have every pony you could possibly want." Except AJ, because AJ always gets left out of these things.
>>Waterpear
Yeah, I know. The fine print is my favorite part too. Like I said above, I just couldn't think of a better punchline.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ahh, yes. Classic Monty Python. If I had thought of it, I probably would have used that sketch as inspiration, but it didn't occur to me. I completely agree that I should have made this more absurd.
>>georg
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
And thank you to everyone who read this story!
Build-A-Pone Retrospective
This story was...a thing that happened. I knew that this story wasn't great when I submitted it, but I was okay with that because it ended up being more of a writing exercise for me than anything else. When I sat down to write it, all I had was the basic concept, and no idea how it would end. I just wrote down whatever came to me, and this is what popped out an hour later. I couldn't think of a decent way to make it better,* so I just submitted it and moved on. I was hoping that since I finished this one so quickly, I would be able to submit a second story for the first time ever, but a combination of real life responsibilities and a general lack of other ideas stopped that from happening.
*Well, I did have one other idea. I considered just going through a huge list of random characters and why they were all ineligible. But the only way I could think to end that idea was with some sort of M.A. Larson joke, and that didn't seem like it would work very well.
>>Trick_Question
What is a "weeb" and why am I one?
Imma go cuddle my Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie dakis now.
>>Trick_Question
I just like cuddling adorable naked ponies.
I think you've answered your own question. :p
I don't think the punchline pays off because the title is "Build-A-Pone" and this implies (to me, at least) that the merch doesn't exist in advance. I'm guessing this is related to the "Build a Bear" ponies where there are pre-made pieces and you just put them together, but in that case shouldn't there just be a list of ponies you can make?
Yes, it was an obvious play on Build-A-Bear. Yes, if this was more realistic, there would be some sort of list of options. Maybe the clerk should have opened with something like "Welcome to Build-A-Pone, where we have every pony you could possibly want." Except AJ, because AJ always gets left out of these things.
>>Waterpear
Yeah, I know. The fine print is my favorite part too. Like I said above, I just couldn't think of a better punchline.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ahh, yes. Classic Monty Python. If I had thought of it, I probably would have used that sketch as inspiration, but it didn't occur to me. I completely agree that I should have made this more absurd.
>>georg
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
And thank you to everyone who read this story!
>>Not_A_Hat
Obviously it is THE FAUST. Hence why the salesman wants to get rid of it so bad, because the salesman is THE HASBRO needing return on its investments!
Obviously it is THE FAUST. Hence why the salesman wants to get rid of it so bad, because the salesman is THE HASBRO needing return on its investments!
It's a beautiful story, no doubt, but I'm not entirely sold on the way the princesses talk to each other. They seem to see each other as equals and completely trust each other, and Twilight seems remarkably sure of herself.
Now I don't have any problem logically believing that this would be the way they behave after a hundred years as fellow princesses, but when I read this story I didn't get to see all those years. I just found a Twilight that had grown up so much that she didn't feel like the character I know anymore.
To make it easier to connect new Twilight to old Twilight, maybe cut back on the really informal stuff like "that wasn’t like, her thing", and have her retain a bit more of her old insecurities - e.g. Celestia's approval always was a huge deal to old Twi, and new Twi could express at least a little regard for it.
Now I don't have any problem logically believing that this would be the way they behave after a hundred years as fellow princesses, but when I read this story I didn't get to see all those years. I just found a Twilight that had grown up so much that she didn't feel like the character I know anymore.
To make it easier to connect new Twilight to old Twilight, maybe cut back on the really informal stuff like "that wasn’t like, her thing", and have her retain a bit more of her old insecurities - e.g. Celestia's approval always was a huge deal to old Twi, and new Twi could express at least a little regard for it.
Radio Writeoff should be going down tomorrow, at about 20:00 UTC if I'm doing my conversions correctly. If you're interested in listening as we record, drop into the Discord chat around then.
>>Not_A_Hat
Perfect timing--I'll have my break hour then. If I can figure out how to work Discord on my phone, I'll be there!
Perfect timing--I'll have my break hour then. If I can figure out how to work Discord on my phone, I'll be there!
It's a nice opening scene that, once competition is over I hope develops into a nice story. I did sort of chuckle at the last line because I immediately remembered the town guards in Oblivion chasing me through the countryside because I stole a pewter plate and not giving up no matter how far I went.
All in all it's not a bad little tale. It just suffers from the super short word limit.
All in all it's not a bad little tale. It just suffers from the super short word limit.
Funny and slice of life-y. Great character voices. And yet, I feel like it Flanderizes Twilight a bit (if I'm using the word correctly) without delivering a high enough absurdity level to compensate. Still...
Tier: Good Stuff
Tier: Good Stuff
A bit too glurgey for my tastes, but that’s not a reason to downvote. The grammar could use some tightening. (“Was there something you wanted to ask me[,] Windy?”)
The story itself is well paced. It flows well with enough description to set the scene without being overly detailed and focuses on the issue/story at hand. That said, I think my biggest issue with the story is I don't believe the story.
It isn't so much because of which characters are involved. In fact I could see the older sisters having the conversation with their younger sisters respectively and accepting the fact that at least their younger sisters were sexually active and were acting more responsibly than others their age. I could then see some worry that even if they are using condoms that something could go wrong. I could even see them getting hold of the little dinguses who are shtuping them and kicking the hell out of them.
I can't see them being proud though. I also can't see how Rainbow Dash would be disappointed that Scootaloo wasn't the first to give it up. I guess I just don't ultimately buy the scenario.
It isn't so much because of which characters are involved. In fact I could see the older sisters having the conversation with their younger sisters respectively and accepting the fact that at least their younger sisters were sexually active and were acting more responsibly than others their age. I could then see some worry that even if they are using condoms that something could go wrong. I could even see them getting hold of the little dinguses who are shtuping them and kicking the hell out of them.
I can't see them being proud though. I also can't see how Rainbow Dash would be disappointed that Scootaloo wasn't the first to give it up. I guess I just don't ultimately buy the scenario.
I have difficulty rating this and will probably abstain. It was well written in the general sense, yet I had difficulty following which eldritch doohickey was doing what. Eventually I figured out that it was an origin story, but I never felt much of a connection to the characters as presented.
Maybe some of these issues are mine more than the story's, but I ultimately feel that the story isn't sure what it's trying to be. The comedy and eldritch-ness mix weirdly for me.
Please note that I might not be quite so raw if I had more time, or if the consensus opinion didn't otherwise seem to be positive.
Tier: Misaimed
Maybe some of these issues are mine more than the story's, but I ultimately feel that the story isn't sure what it's trying to be. The comedy and eldritch-ness mix weirdly for me.
Please note that I might not be quite so raw if I had more time, or if the consensus opinion didn't otherwise seem to be positive.
Tier: Misaimed
Interesting. I figured a wargame or the like at first. I'm not sure when this is supposed to take place though... Tirek's first rampage, or his second? Because no mention is made of Twilight or Cadence, yet I find it unlikely that Manehattan has been around for a thousand + years... If it's the distant past, then clearly Celestia survived and, well, put herself back together...
Also, while Parchment is animal hide, it's been treated and cured... I would expect it to have a substantially different appearance and texture than her sister's own pelt.... Also, I'd rather expect that a cutie mark is the representation of a pony's magic, not the source of it. Because it that were true, well... I could see the Cutey Mark Crusade going some very dark places. O.o
Also, while Parchment is animal hide, it's been treated and cured... I would expect it to have a substantially different appearance and texture than her sister's own pelt.... Also, I'd rather expect that a cutie mark is the representation of a pony's magic, not the source of it. Because it that were true, well... I could see the Cutey Mark Crusade going some very dark places. O.o
I was sucked into this by the heavy prose and the world-building. The central character was also endearing and relatable, in her own way.
Man, that last line threw me hard, though. I was all geared up for an underdog fighting the religious establishment-kinda story, and I'll give this huge credit for pulling me in enough to forget that a word limit was closing in. But now with that ending line, I don't know what's going on.
Tier: Almost There (but seriously, color me interested)
Man, that last line threw me hard, though. I was all geared up for an underdog fighting the religious establishment-kinda story, and I'll give this huge credit for pulling me in enough to forget that a word limit was closing in. But now with that ending line, I don't know what's going on.
Tier: Almost There (but seriously, color me interested)
Okay, I have two main questions... First off, how do they know that Celestia and Luna are immortal and eternal? It seems apparent that there are no other Alicorns around, since Starswirl makes mention that someday, somehow, someone else might ascent to godhood... Which sorta implies that they're the first to do so. And it was rather recent, if Celestia is still getting used to her wings. What kind of tests do you perform to ensure that someone is actually an immortal god?
Secondly... Where is Luna? Starswirl just bled himself enough to be a bit lightheaded and loopy. Not something you want to do regularly. And they're sneaking around to avoid waking Luna... Why isn't the other Princess being taught or shown anything? Why isn't he teaching both of them at once? Are they just letting Luna rest until her turn comes?
Or did the estrangement between the Sun and the Moon really reach back so far?
In any case, an interesting and well written little tidbit. I'll agree with the others that this also sounds like the opening scenes of something significantly longer.
Secondly... Where is Luna? Starswirl just bled himself enough to be a bit lightheaded and loopy. Not something you want to do regularly. And they're sneaking around to avoid waking Luna... Why isn't the other Princess being taught or shown anything? Why isn't he teaching both of them at once? Are they just letting Luna rest until her turn comes?
Or did the estrangement between the Sun and the Moon really reach back so far?
In any case, an interesting and well written little tidbit. I'll agree with the others that this also sounds like the opening scenes of something significantly longer.
Okay, I saw where this was going pretty quick... But it was still amusing. :)
Just wait until she reads about the histories of monarchies on her new world. And how they turn out when you don't have a superpowered immortal on the throne for centuries. ;>
Hmmmm.. I wonder if we might see Sunset circling a petition to change the Amareican government back into a proper monarchy... With her as head princess, of course! There could be some good humor in the concept...
>>CoffeeMinion
I don't think you need to be completely dissatisfied with "The System" in order to recognize just how ridiculous and insane it can be... Especially to an outsider. I think most people recognize and accept the fact that the American government is a big old crazy mess... Mostly because it's composed of human beings, and humans are, by nature, big old crazy messes. The best thing to be said for it is that it generally works, and is usually better than the alternatives. ;>
Just wait until she reads about the histories of monarchies on her new world. And how they turn out when you don't have a superpowered immortal on the throne for centuries. ;>
Hmmmm.. I wonder if we might see Sunset circling a petition to change the Amareican government back into a proper monarchy... With her as head princess, of course! There could be some good humor in the concept...
>>CoffeeMinion
I don't think you need to be completely dissatisfied with "The System" in order to recognize just how ridiculous and insane it can be... Especially to an outsider. I think most people recognize and accept the fact that the American government is a big old crazy mess... Mostly because it's composed of human beings, and humans are, by nature, big old crazy messes. The best thing to be said for it is that it generally works, and is usually better than the alternatives. ;>
I'm lost.
So, sun is dying, and Princesses do.. Something? And now there's a star on the mountain and the princesses are gone... And out heroine(?) is hearing the voices of the Princesses. So she leaves her home without explanation, travels to the great temple/mountain/library, read the prophesy... And realizes that she's a jerk for leaving her home as she did, so it's not her the prophesy speaks of?
So she's just crazy?
That's a bit of a downer. And also kinda confusing. What is the priest talking about? What does "Laity cannot enter the temple?" mean? Why is it for naught even if she can hear them?
While I'm getting the very broad brushstrokes of the world you're trying to describe, all the details seem... muddled. Maybe I'm just missing the point...
So, sun is dying, and Princesses do.. Something? And now there's a star on the mountain and the princesses are gone... And out heroine(?) is hearing the voices of the Princesses. So she leaves her home without explanation, travels to the great temple/mountain/library, read the prophesy... And realizes that she's a jerk for leaving her home as she did, so it's not her the prophesy speaks of?
So she's just crazy?
That's a bit of a downer. And also kinda confusing. What is the priest talking about? What does "Laity cannot enter the temple?" mean? Why is it for naught even if she can hear them?
While I'm getting the very broad brushstrokes of the world you're trying to describe, all the details seem... muddled. Maybe I'm just missing the point...
Okay, that was amusing.
The juxtaposition between the horrible, dark, nasty, evil nature of the products... And how it's all treated as absolutely mundane is very well done and rather amusing in and of itself.
The way the Eeeeevilll bit box store is running the little mom and pop stores out of business... But ponies still love it because everything is so cheap always makes me chuckle.
I have to admit though, I'm not seeing the connection to the prompt. Maybe if when listing available virgin blood, they mentioned that there was no Alicorn blood?
The juxtaposition between the horrible, dark, nasty, evil nature of the products... And how it's all treated as absolutely mundane is very well done and rather amusing in and of itself.
The way the Eeeeevilll bit box store is running the little mom and pop stores out of business... But ponies still love it because everything is so cheap always makes me chuckle.
I have to admit though, I'm not seeing the connection to the prompt. Maybe if when listing available virgin blood, they mentioned that there was no Alicorn blood?
Okay, this was clever and funny. All of the character were, well, in-character. And I especially loved Zecora's reaction.
Nicely done!
Nicely done!
Well, this wasn't bad, but it really didn't do that much for me. It was pretty clear from the start that Gilda is hauling around something embarrassing... And in the end, she was... hauling around something embarrassing.
Rainbow and Pinkie seem pretty determined / desperate to catch Gilda when they spot her... Which is, I suppose, not out of character for either of them. Still, while I understand that you're trying to ramp up the tension, you're also making it feel like RD and Pinkie are chasing her as if the fate of Equestria depends on catching her. As opposed to trying to catch up with a friend who didn't hear your greeting, or is even intentionally avoiding you. Generally speaking, a friend avoiding you isn't usually indicative of the end of the world...
Then again, this is Equestria we're talking about, so who knows.
The fact that RD and Pinkie are unable to catch her seems rather unusually however. Unless, you know, they weren't actually trying that hard.
Anyway, aside from my nitpicking, there really wasn't anything bad about this story. There just wasn't anything spectacular either.
Rainbow and Pinkie seem pretty determined / desperate to catch Gilda when they spot her... Which is, I suppose, not out of character for either of them. Still, while I understand that you're trying to ramp up the tension, you're also making it feel like RD and Pinkie are chasing her as if the fate of Equestria depends on catching her. As opposed to trying to catch up with a friend who didn't hear your greeting, or is even intentionally avoiding you. Generally speaking, a friend avoiding you isn't usually indicative of the end of the world...
Then again, this is Equestria we're talking about, so who knows.
The fact that RD and Pinkie are unable to catch her seems rather unusually however. Unless, you know, they weren't actually trying that hard.
Anyway, aside from my nitpicking, there really wasn't anything bad about this story. There just wasn't anything spectacular either.
I, personally, have no issue with HIE stories. But I have to agree that this felt a bit rushed. An artifact of the word count I presume.
Still, we go from the scene of 'Grandma' Megan's death to the ponies showing up (a few days later, perhaps?), to Sophia leaving to save their world... In a few short paragraphs. There's no real emotional response to her grandmother's passing, or ponies appearing out of the sky, or, well, anything. I realize that there weren't enough words to do much more than this, but it still feel a bit flat for it.
Honestly, after the first scene I rather expected the rainbow to disgorge Luna and Celestia, hoping to see Megan on last time, but sadly, a few days too late. Or just there to pay their last respects. Because, toe journey to that undiscovered country is one that everypony and everyhuman must take... But princess are not included in that eternal invitation...
Still, we go from the scene of 'Grandma' Megan's death to the ponies showing up (a few days later, perhaps?), to Sophia leaving to save their world... In a few short paragraphs. There's no real emotional response to her grandmother's passing, or ponies appearing out of the sky, or, well, anything. I realize that there weren't enough words to do much more than this, but it still feel a bit flat for it.
Honestly, after the first scene I rather expected the rainbow to disgorge Luna and Celestia, hoping to see Megan on last time, but sadly, a few days too late. Or just there to pay their last respects. Because, toe journey to that undiscovered country is one that everypony and everyhuman must take... But princess are not included in that eternal invitation...
It's an amusing idea, and not badly written. Twilight did seem a bit passive, though I think you were trying to have her some across as unconcerned. Which is a fine idea. I'm really not quite sure how to cross the line from passive to exasperated however...
On the other hand, I loved Trixie and Spike's interactions. Snarky Deadpan Spike is best Spike!
All in all not bad, though it could use a bit of work .
On the other hand, I loved Trixie and Spike's interactions. Snarky Deadpan Spike is best Spike!
All in all not bad, though it could use a bit of work .
The "tongue" line was a little too sudden for me, but then I do like to get to know fics a bit better before going that far. :derpytongue2:
I dunno, this rocked.
Tier: Top Contender
I dunno, this rocked.
Tier: Top Contender
Cute, fun, funny, has a complete story arc, and pushes my vocabulary up to and past its breaking point. I can't ask for much more. Going to the top of the slate, most likely.
Tier: Top Contender
Tier: Top Contender
Hee hee, Craftsmare.
The whole setup here is clever. I have to echo the cries of anticlimax, though I think it came close to pulling it off.
Tier: Almost There
The whole setup here is clever. I have to echo the cries of anticlimax, though I think it came close to pulling it off.
Tier: Almost There
Hmm, I dunno. I appreciate the quality of writing presented in the immortality blues here, but it never quite makes an emotional connection for me. It's like she cares a lot about the things she wants to do, but she doesn't spend much time convincing me that she cares about the ponies around her, or those she's lost. Without that, it doesn't really sound recognizable as Twilight.
Tier: Needs Work
Tier: Needs Work