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Got a couple in this round, which is better than I thought when the prompt came up. Best of luck for the final push all.
Ugh... It's kinda disconcerting when you return to review and polish one of your stories... And discover that you spelled the third word of your first sentence wrong. O.o
Ugh. I guess that's what I get for taking until the last minute to come up with an idea. :s
Ah, well. Good luck to those of you who actually made it in before the deadline!
Ah, well. Good luck to those of you who actually made it in before the deadline!
So, first up!
The Alleles of Harmony
My first thought is that Twilight's going to be here a while if she's reading through somepony's entire genetic code. But then, this is a story, and it's okay to let things like that slide. I have to give the author some wiggle room or we'll spend all day nit-picking our fics to death.
It seems that Twilight is attempting to repopulate Ponyville with genetically enhanced ponies, apparently following some sort of disaster. Spike's dialogue implies that this is a retelling of the show's premier, with Celestia asking her to 'make friends,' something Twilight has apparently taken very literally.
There's a rough editing mistake toward the end, the "(did something)" draft. That happens with minifics, though, and I don't hold it against the author either. We're all in a rush.
What I have trouble getting over, though, is the abrupt ending. I know 750 words isn't much, and minifics are usually more of a gesture drawing than a real story, but you need to try and include all of the elements so the reader can fill in the details with their minds. This story doesn't get that far -- it's just Twilight making clone ponies, Spike doesn't like it, and... that's it. We're left with nothing else. No character development, major choices, conflicts resolved or averted, etc. It just presents an interesting idea, then ends.
That's how a lot of minifics suffer and die, sadly. It's why they're so hard.
Still, the idea was interesting, so credit for that.
The Alleles of Harmony
My first thought is that Twilight's going to be here a while if she's reading through somepony's entire genetic code. But then, this is a story, and it's okay to let things like that slide. I have to give the author some wiggle room or we'll spend all day nit-picking our fics to death.
It seems that Twilight is attempting to repopulate Ponyville with genetically enhanced ponies, apparently following some sort of disaster. Spike's dialogue implies that this is a retelling of the show's premier, with Celestia asking her to 'make friends,' something Twilight has apparently taken very literally.
There's a rough editing mistake toward the end, the "(did something)" draft. That happens with minifics, though, and I don't hold it against the author either. We're all in a rush.
What I have trouble getting over, though, is the abrupt ending. I know 750 words isn't much, and minifics are usually more of a gesture drawing than a real story, but you need to try and include all of the elements so the reader can fill in the details with their minds. This story doesn't get that far -- it's just Twilight making clone ponies, Spike doesn't like it, and... that's it. We're left with nothing else. No character development, major choices, conflicts resolved or averted, etc. It just presents an interesting idea, then ends.
That's how a lot of minifics suffer and die, sadly. It's why they're so hard.
Still, the idea was interesting, so credit for that.
Terms and Conditions
Clever fic. It has an interesting idea and an interesting way of presenting it. I have no doubt that it will turn some people off, but I hope it does well enough to get some thoughtful views.
My only complaint would be that Spike's account, the very first entry, is lacking a very important point – what the heck is actually going on. I get that the author wants to conceal that bit of knowledge, because just blurting it out would kind of kill the gradual reveal, but it's always frustrating as a reader to have information withheld from us for no valid reason. Yes, I get that Spike says he's just transcribing what Twilight is telling him, but he also pretty clearly deviates from that instruction at times. You'd think he'd deviate as well by just saying, at the start, "Twilight got sick and now she's speaking all crazy."
Still, I liked it. Especially by the end, when that complaint was mostly forgotten.
Clever fic. It has an interesting idea and an interesting way of presenting it. I have no doubt that it will turn some people off, but I hope it does well enough to get some thoughtful views.
My only complaint would be that Spike's account, the very first entry, is lacking a very important point – what the heck is actually going on. I get that the author wants to conceal that bit of knowledge, because just blurting it out would kind of kill the gradual reveal, but it's always frustrating as a reader to have information withheld from us for no valid reason. Yes, I get that Spike says he's just transcribing what Twilight is telling him, but he also pretty clearly deviates from that instruction at times. You'd think he'd deviate as well by just saying, at the start, "Twilight got sick and now she's speaking all crazy."
Still, I liked it. Especially by the end, when that complaint was mostly forgotten.
So, read a couple things. Here's some random thoughts:
Prophecy Celestia vs. Nightmare Moon! It has some nice touches, like the "Say my name" bit, but it doesn't bring anything new to the table.
Contractors Well, this one is fun. Kind of reminds me of the old Damage Control comic book. My only complaint is that it's kinda short-- it'd probably serve well as a start to a longer comedy fic.
Build-A-Pone Workshop It's really just the one joke, but it does that joke pretty well.
Power Pony Adventures: El Taco Loco vs. The Red Menace So, uh, Starlight Glimmer gets stuck in that magic comic book, where she has a talking communist beard, and also she runs into the sirens from Rainbow Rocks? Uh, kay. Lot of ideas here that would probably be better executed in a full length fic.
Am I ... ? For whatever reason, I read "Flurry" as "Fluttershy," which kind of threw me off. Anyway, this story's about a 2nd grade Flurry Heart getting bullied at school and then having doubts about her Princess-ness. Cute and sweet, but not enough to give you diabetes.
Stupid Tree In a story that's set during last season-ish, Twilight gets mad at the Tree of Harmony 'cause she doesn't get to be sent on any cool Friendship Missions. It's a fun little idea (even if I did it first in By Process of Elimination, but it's not like I'm bringing that up in a shameless plug. Cough cough).
This said, Stupid Tree gets a little more melancholy by the end, which is an interesting choice. And again it plays around with pretty standard ideas in the fandom, but it does so fairly well. Worth a read.
Prophecy Celestia vs. Nightmare Moon! It has some nice touches, like the "Say my name" bit, but it doesn't bring anything new to the table.
Contractors Well, this one is fun. Kind of reminds me of the old Damage Control comic book. My only complaint is that it's kinda short-- it'd probably serve well as a start to a longer comedy fic.
Build-A-Pone Workshop It's really just the one joke, but it does that joke pretty well.
Power Pony Adventures: El Taco Loco vs. The Red Menace So, uh, Starlight Glimmer gets stuck in that magic comic book, where she has a talking communist beard, and also she runs into the sirens from Rainbow Rocks? Uh, kay. Lot of ideas here that would probably be better executed in a full length fic.
Am I ... ? For whatever reason, I read "Flurry" as "Fluttershy," which kind of threw me off. Anyway, this story's about a 2nd grade Flurry Heart getting bullied at school and then having doubts about her Princess-ness. Cute and sweet, but not enough to give you diabetes.
Stupid Tree In a story that's set during last season-ish, Twilight gets mad at the Tree of Harmony 'cause she doesn't get to be sent on any cool Friendship Missions. It's a fun little idea (even if I did it first in By Process of Elimination, but it's not like I'm bringing that up in a shameless plug. Cough cough).
This said, Stupid Tree gets a little more melancholy by the end, which is an interesting choice. And again it plays around with pretty standard ideas in the fandom, but it does so fairly well. Worth a read.
I must ask, what is the link with the theme? It's a nice read, but I can't really grasp what the story has to do with "Princess not included".
>>MCA
The story is framed as a sales pitch, and "*Princess Not Included" is clearly part of sales or marketing literature. Flim and Flam are trying to sell you (the reader) their miraculous drink, with promises it will turn your life around, making you so attractive even a princess might fall for you. But the drink doesn't come with a princess, so you'll need to find one yourself.
It's kind of a crude title drop. Feels like it was shoehorned in, which is odd because it absolutely wasn't necessary to shoehorn it in at all. The author could've left the title drop out and the story would've seemed a lot smarter for it.
The story is framed as a sales pitch, and "*Princess Not Included" is clearly part of sales or marketing literature. Flim and Flam are trying to sell you (the reader) their miraculous drink, with promises it will turn your life around, making you so attractive even a princess might fall for you. But the drink doesn't come with a princess, so you'll need to find one yourself.
It's kind of a crude title drop. Feels like it was shoehorned in, which is odd because it absolutely wasn't necessary to shoehorn it in at all. The author could've left the title drop out and the story would've seemed a lot smarter for it.
No title case? Not making a strong first impression.
That being said, this was actually quite enjoyable. Certainly one of the more novel “creation of Equestria” stories I’ve ever read. The opening is a bit disorienting, what with both hands and clouds, but since you had twenty words left to work with, there wasn’t much more you could do there. I look forward to seeing this one expanded. Especially if you add a few rejected universes before it.
That being said, this was actually quite enjoyable. Certainly one of the more novel “creation of Equestria” stories I’ve ever read. The opening is a bit disorienting, what with both hands and clouds, but since you had twenty words left to work with, there wasn’t much more you could do there. I look forward to seeing this one expanded. Especially if you add a few rejected universes before it.
>>Cold in Gardez
Wouldn't have been related to the prompt then, since it would only be a sales pitch, but yes, could have been more coherent. It's a nice read, but I just personally don't think it fits well with the theme.
Wouldn't have been related to the prompt then, since it would only be a sales pitch, but yes, could have been more coherent. It's a nice read, but I just personally don't think it fits well with the theme.
The impact of Pinkie’s untimely death is rather lessened by the “So sad.” It feels excessively maudlin, especially given the comment about tears on the page. All the more so when coming from Limestone. I know, she’s young and vulnerable, but it still disrupts the mood for me.
Or it could’ve been entirely intentional, deliberately overplaying it for plausible deniability. Given that, nice work. Disturbing subject matter, and the prompt connection is tangential at best, but nice work.
Or it could’ve been entirely intentional, deliberately overplaying it for plausible deniability. Given that, nice work. Disturbing subject matter, and the prompt connection is tangential at best, but nice work.
New paragraph with each new speaker, please.
Huh. Well, I just learned a new word. I’d never heard “stakanovista” before now.
In any case, this one doesn’t quite gel. It raises a number of points, but it never explores any of them to a sufficient degree that I can follow the chain of logic. Given how some vital pieces of the puzzle hinge on headcanon, that exploration is necessary. You had a few hundred words left; you really should have used them. Still, there’s definitely some intriguing idea here. I just can’t tell what it is.
Huh. Well, I just learned a new word. I’d never heard “stakanovista” before now.
In any case, this one doesn’t quite gel. It raises a number of points, but it never explores any of them to a sufficient degree that I can follow the chain of logic. Given how some vital pieces of the puzzle hinge on headcanon, that exploration is necessary. You had a few hundred words left; you really should have used them. Still, there’s definitely some intriguing idea here. I just can’t tell what it is.
Alas, such is the march of capitalism. How’s the little incongruous-collection-of-items specialist supposed to compete with the likes of Stall-Mart? Though Applejack’s probably going to be singing a different tune when a supermarket comes to town…
In any case, I quite enjoyed the juxtaposition of grim occult paraphernalia, meditations on the consequences of chain stores, and typical pony goofiness. My only complaint is that I’m really not seeing the prompt connection. Maybe if you didn’t get reward points when buying alicorn bile…
In any case, I quite enjoyed the juxtaposition of grim occult paraphernalia, meditations on the consequences of chain stores, and typical pony goofiness. My only complaint is that I’m really not seeing the prompt connection. Maybe if you didn’t get reward points when buying alicorn bile…
Again, title case is important, at least for me. The story only gets one chance at a first impression.
And yet, again, the story’s great regardless. The prompt spoiled a bit of it, but I did not see that twist coming. Thank you for it.
And yet, again, the story’s great regardless. The prompt spoiled a bit of it, but I did not see that twist coming. Thank you for it.
There are some capitalization issues here and there, but in general, this turned out quite well. A little more polish and it’ll work out great. Though really, this is needlessly discriminatory against mortal princesses. For shame, Shadowy Council of Vagueness. For shame.
So… why can’t Private Pansy fill Hurricane’s horseshoes? She has more experience with windigoes, given how she was only frozen insensate for a few seconds.
The footnote distracts from the main text and adds little, especially given the awkward phrasing and tense issues. Combined with the last line, it leads to a bizarre tonal disconnect. I don’t know if I’m meant to be reading a textbook or listening to a bedtime story.
This needed some more time and thought. The founders and the diarchs interacting always make for good story fodder, but this instance needs some more polish before it can hit its stride.
The footnote distracts from the main text and adds little, especially given the awkward phrasing and tense issues. Combined with the last line, it leads to a bizarre tonal disconnect. I don’t know if I’m meant to be reading a textbook or listening to a bedtime story.
This needed some more time and thought. The founders and the diarchs interacting always make for good story fodder, but this instance needs some more polish before it can hit its stride.
I am left with one big question : Is the ending meant to imply Sunset is now an alicorn/royalty?
Beyond that, Rarity going absolutely apoplectic over clothing is, well, totally Rarity. At the same time, the stakes seem really really high for, well, simply just trying on clothes to see which to buy. I believe this wishes to go in an absurdist comedy direction - I feel the author could improve by giving the story a bit more of a wrench that way. Right now it does feel like it's half-wanting to be serious, half-wanting to be comedy, and so caught between each.
Beyond that, Rarity going absolutely apoplectic over clothing is, well, totally Rarity. At the same time, the stakes seem really really high for, well, simply just trying on clothes to see which to buy. I believe this wishes to go in an absurdist comedy direction - I feel the author could improve by giving the story a bit more of a wrench that way. Right now it does feel like it's half-wanting to be serious, half-wanting to be comedy, and so caught between each.
… What?
This went strong until the very end. From there, it raises countless questions and leaves all of them unanswered. Sorry, but you lost me at the very last moment with this one.
This went strong until the very end. From there, it raises countless questions and leaves all of them unanswered. Sorry, but you lost me at the very last moment with this one.
Okay, so :
Starlight Glimmer leads a communist revolution, overthrows the Princesses, and now they are living in their old abode pretending to be wax figurines, it would seem.
This idea is a funny one at its core. I don't think this has it fully coming together yet, though. The beginning is good, but I feel there are two pieces missing.
One : The guide should be giving us a bit more history of the Princesses themselves. What is the official party line of what happened to them post-revolution? This is a good place to set up for the reversal later, especially if it's a 'They were beheaded' or 'Nopony knoooooows' Anastasia-like result.
Two : Why are they now in the castle? Okay, cider, sure, but why not just living off in a remote cottage somewhere tending daisies? Where are Luna and Cadance in this? Tie together their reasoning for being back, and you've got a much stronger story.
Starlight Glimmer leads a communist revolution, overthrows the Princesses, and now they are living in their old abode pretending to be wax figurines, it would seem.
This idea is a funny one at its core. I don't think this has it fully coming together yet, though. The beginning is good, but I feel there are two pieces missing.
One : The guide should be giving us a bit more history of the Princesses themselves. What is the official party line of what happened to them post-revolution? This is a good place to set up for the reversal later, especially if it's a 'They were beheaded' or 'Nopony knoooooows' Anastasia-like result.
Two : Why are they now in the castle? Okay, cider, sure, but why not just living off in a remote cottage somewhere tending daisies? Where are Luna and Cadance in this? Tie together their reasoning for being back, and you've got a much stronger story.
I feel physically ill after reading this. The good news is that that’s because of the content of the story and not any errors in its crafting. This really doesn’t sit well with me, but only because of the subject matter. I can find nothing wrong here, no matter how much my stomach wants me to.
An interesting interpretation of the cryptic “Twilight will not outlive her friends” tweet, but it felt like more of a headcanon dump than a story. This kind of revelation should not be met with anywhere near this level of calm. Not at first. Have the characters act more like people than information dispensers and you’ll have the seed of something deeply intriguing.
Okay, wow. This prose is more purple than Twilight stomping red grapes in an amethyst tub. You really need to pull back on the excessive adverbs, bizarre word choices, and awkward phrasing. Also, “thou” doesn’t have an apostrophe. The odd choice of present tense doesn’t help any, especially not in the places where it isn’t used. Once this has been toned down and cleaned up, you’ll have an interesting psychological thriller started, but it really needs that cleanup.
This was giggle-fun. I can't decide if it would benefit from actually implying there is about to be magma-spraying happening or not - I think it could use another couple examples of silly-fun titles and the consequences thereof, but overall I quite liked this as a simple spun-sugar story.
Djinn has a silent D. Just an FYI. Credit where it’s due for using the proper singular, though.
… Oh. The plural is “djinni.” Hence the corrupted term “genie.”
This still needs some polish here and there, but the core is quite amusing. Clean it up and add in Trixie fighting her way into the tomb and this will be Fimfic ready.
… Oh. The plural is “djinni.” Hence the corrupted term “genie.”
This still needs some polish here and there, but the core is quite amusing. Clean it up and add in Trixie fighting her way into the tomb and this will be Fimfic ready.
Well. That happened. I get the sense this one was written from real life. The problem is that there’s a marked lack of narrativium in this universe. As such, drawing inspiration from real life means massaging it a little to get a satisfying story structure. Of course, the word limit didn’t help. There just wasn’t any room left for an ending, so the story simply stops. Add a less cursory conclusion and some more customer service nightmares and this could go quite well. Heck, string enough of them together and you could have the reason why Party Favor wanted to give up his cutie mark in the first place.
The one is built around a take of the prompt that I'm glad to see worked in, but at the same time I am unimpressed. The repetition of the core theme in different contexts is to the story's credit, but the actual execution drags, feeling rather aimless, and the turn at the end stretches the imagination perhaps too far. I can only fault it at the conceptual level, being too frivolous for my preference.
Ooh, Lovecraft crossover. For those unfamiliar, Idh-yaa is the androgynous mate of Cthulhu while Cthylla is their youngest progeny. Oddly enough, Ghatanothoa is supposed to be their eldest. I’d contemplate this further, but I’m pretty sure that would end in me gibbering in Aklo, and that can wait until after I’m through reviewing this story.
A touching story of how ponies can charm even the most eldritch heart (or unknowable equivalent.) Still, the crossover element may alienate some people, and you use a lot of word space on translating the untranslatable. This will probably work a lot better whenthe stars are right you don’t have to worry about a word limit. I look forward to seeing what you make of it then.
A touching story of how ponies can charm even the most eldritch heart (or unknowable equivalent.) Still, the crossover element may alienate some people, and you use a lot of word space on translating the untranslatable. This will probably work a lot better when
I agree with FOME: this one is quite solid. The lack of identifiers in the earlier section made narrating this a bit dicey, but that's a very minor quibble. The overall feeling is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but it seems to work quite well given the subject material. I particularly enjoyed Upper Crust's disdain as presented. Another qualm would be Twilight's exclamation at the end: it seems like she is using words that are not her own, but that could be me projecting my own character interpretation—maybe pull something canonical there?
This one had better make finals this round.
This one had better make finals this round.
Heh. Fun, but it’s only just gotten started. You’ve opened up a potentially fascinating AU; I’d love to see what you do with it. But as is? There’s just not much to this.
As an avid fan of Dungeons and Dragons, this story really amused me. It does a great job of capturing the atmosphere of a group of friends around the gaming table, tearing their hair out as they try to figure out what exactly they need to do—and clearly Pinkie is doing them no favours! All that said, I fail to really understand how exactly this lines up with the prompt. It's very solidly written and great fun to read, but I just don't see where "*Princess Not Included" comes into play.
Still, great job! Very fun, show-tone little story.
Still, great job! Very fun, show-tone little story.
Ouch. Tense shift in the very first paragraph.
This is genuinely amusing. Still, I do have to critique Pinkie’s DMing policy. If you don’t leave the players any possibility of success, you’re going to find no one will want to play with you in short order. Still, if my worst criticism is that one of the characters is doing something in character, you’re clearly doing something right. Especially since I didn't even notice the prompt disconnect until I read Argon's comment.
This is genuinely amusing. Still, I do have to critique Pinkie’s DMing policy. If you don’t leave the players any possibility of success, you’re going to find no one will want to play with you in short order. Still, if my worst criticism is that one of the characters is doing something in character, you’re clearly doing something right. Especially since I didn't even notice the prompt disconnect until I read Argon's comment.
Well, this was darker than expected. Limestone has been taken to a horrible extreme, and I guess that's the primary conceit here. There's more backstory than actual story here… Maud is just confirming what she already suspected and Limestone has no change, so I question the presence of much arc. While that arc isn't exactly the point, I feel that this presentation brings down the effect somewhat. Rather want to see how Marble fits into this, but I can well understand why she would be cut here.
Heavy-handed in places, but still good… and that 'you just wasted four' line and immediate response is perfect.
Heavy-handed in places, but still good… and that 'you just wasted four' line and immediate response is perfect.
That was a rather clever interpretation of the prompt—it definitely kept my interest. And it also poses a really fascinating question about status and culture. All that said, I had a sort of hard time believing that Twilight, or Celestia for that matter, would be approaching this with such an air of levity. I understand that it's a hundred years in the future, so that's plenty of time for their characters to change, but everything about their characters lines up with what I have in my mind except for the levity and nonchalance they approach the subject with.
I'll grant that it was a very interesting read, and pretty well-written to boot, but I just can't reconcile it with the characters of Twilight and Celestia, personally. Maybe that's just me, though.
I'll grant that it was a very interesting read, and pretty well-written to boot, but I just can't reconcile it with the characters of Twilight and Celestia, personally. Maybe that's just me, though.
I thought this a rather tedious way to go about a missing-Luna story, but it gets there eventually. Celestia's prompted reflection is really the heart of things here. I'm quite certain you could cut the entire scene above the scene break and lose almost nothing critical.
A few parts are mildly overbearing, overly simplified, or unnecessary, e.g. "confirmed the bitter truth", "Regardless of lack-of-enthusiasm", "said to nopony in particular". At least one soft scene break could also have helped the flow in the latter section.
Not bad, though—currently sitting near the middle of my slate.
A few parts are mildly overbearing, overly simplified, or unnecessary, e.g. "confirmed the bitter truth", "Regardless of lack-of-enthusiasm", "said to nopony in particular". At least one soft scene break could also have helped the flow in the latter section.
Not bad, though—currently sitting near the middle of my slate.
I agree with all the above.
Furthermore, the execution wobbles between discursive and officious, muddling the effect; the inclusion of a footnote leans more towards the latter, but the voice much of elsewhere is very colloquial and loosely structured. The story has a number of other holes, including but not limited to the extreme odds of both wanderers convening as they did and the deus-ex-machina of finding the filly. Needs more shaping before pulling out the honing strop.
Furthermore, the execution wobbles between discursive and officious, muddling the effect; the inclusion of a footnote leans more towards the latter, but the voice much of elsewhere is very colloquial and loosely structured. The story has a number of other holes, including but not limited to the extreme odds of both wanderers convening as they did and the deus-ex-machina of finding the filly. Needs more shaping before pulling out the honing strop.
Why must FOME beat me to expressing half of my thoughts? Is it psychic? A time-traveler?
Right, story. It starts out rather adorable (if necessarily generalized) and things fall apart as the story is added in. Characterization is dubious; emotional investment and reactions are quite out of sorts; the 'saids' are overbearing, giving in narration the tone of the words being spoken; the life-outlook-changing arc is complete in less than a thousand words. Also, why Cadance instead of Celestia herself? Why is a spell required at all, and why does (only?) Celestia know it? What if an alicorn gives up their immortality without creating a successor—is that what happened to the previous Princess of Friendship? Needs work.
Right, story. It starts out rather adorable (if necessarily generalized) and things fall apart as the story is added in. Characterization is dubious; emotional investment and reactions are quite out of sorts; the 'saids' are overbearing, giving in narration the tone of the words being spoken; the life-outlook-changing arc is complete in less than a thousand words. Also, why Cadance instead of Celestia herself? Why is a spell required at all, and why does (only?) Celestia know it? What if an alicorn gives up their immortality without creating a successor—is that what happened to the previous Princess of Friendship? Needs work.
Huh, not sure how to take this one. It starts off as a fun-fueled little scene with Starlight and her talking beard—something that distinctly lends itself towards comedy and genuinely made me laugh—but then pulls a 180 at the very end, closing on a morally ambiguous choice that has some pretty dark implications. It gave me some pretty severe tonal whiplash, and the fact that it's not actually resolved doesn't help. I will give it credit for a pretty interesting interpretation of the prompt, but that's about all I can necessarily praise it for.
It's well-written, but it just tries to be too many things at once and can't necessarily pick one. I also would've liked a bit more set-up for the ridiculous scenario, but I get that it's a minific, so I can let that slide. All in all, interesting but somewhat disappointing.
It's well-written, but it just tries to be too many things at once and can't necessarily pick one. I also would've liked a bit more set-up for the ridiculous scenario, but I get that it's a minific, so I can let that slide. All in all, interesting but somewhat disappointing.
Very nice:
A lovely slice of life scene with spot-on character voices and the setting described with exactly the proper amount of detail. What would make it perfect would be a clearer connection to the prompt. I can see one if I squint, but it would've been easy enough, author, to have Applejack say something like, "They ain't princesses, y'know. Never have been" while Rarity nods slowly. So as a story: top marks. As an entry in this sort of contest: just shy of top marks.
Mike
A lovely slice of life scene with spot-on character voices and the setting described with exactly the proper amount of detail. What would make it perfect would be a clearer connection to the prompt. I can see one if I squint, but it would've been easy enough, author, to have Applejack say something like, "They ain't princesses, y'know. Never have been" while Rarity nods slowly. So as a story: top marks. As an entry in this sort of contest: just shy of top marks.
Mike
Impression from paragraph one alone : This is a D&D story.
And yep! It was. I did like the twist though. I'd enjoy 'Pinkie Pie is unfair DM' as a story concept for something longer form.
That's the biggest weakness here, too - the D&D twist has been done in minifics before (I did it myself, once, clumsily), and they lend themselves better to longer stories. Expand this to a full-on whatnot and you have a better tale!
And yep! It was. I did like the twist though. I'd enjoy 'Pinkie Pie is unfair DM' as a story concept for something longer form.
That's the biggest weakness here, too - the D&D twist has been done in minifics before (I did it myself, once, clumsily), and they lend themselves better to longer stories. Expand this to a full-on whatnot and you have a better tale!
Gotta agree with what was said above. You've hooked my interest, but you've failed to deliver anything really substantial, and that would've been the real linchpin that made this story click. As it is, it's a fun beginning to a story with pitch-perfect characters and some solid writing, but it lacks a real plot.
This is a definite top contender. In a short, simple story it weaves together a poignant bit on how life throws us curveballs - on how opportunities we get close off other paths. Bittersweet, and that last line just encapsulates so much. Bravo.
Okay, didn't see the ending coming. I did like that part even if it's a bit of a blunt prompt drop.
My big critique here is that everything up to that point needs polishing. 'Everypony is finding out they are dead' is a concept that can work, but to really shine the execution needs to shy away from the trope-ish which is what we have here. 'They won and stopped Grogar' - sure. But then, what more are we saying here? The ending isn't really funny; there's not a big emotional connection; and nopony is making me feel empathy for them in this.
To polish, work on improving our ability to like with the characters in some way. I'd enjoy this much more if I could empathize with anyone.
Please keep at it!
My big critique here is that everything up to that point needs polishing. 'Everypony is finding out they are dead' is a concept that can work, but to really shine the execution needs to shy away from the trope-ish which is what we have here. 'They won and stopped Grogar' - sure. But then, what more are we saying here? The ending isn't really funny; there's not a big emotional connection; and nopony is making me feel empathy for them in this.
To polish, work on improving our ability to like with the characters in some way. I'd enjoy this much more if I could empathize with anyone.
Please keep at it!
Pfft, that was pretty good. You did a great job of giving both Aether and Eddy (odd names, but I can dig it) distinct characters and voices in the limited space given. You also managed to tell a pretty funny little story that I'm sure plenty of people in this fandom can relate to in some degree. The story didn't necessarily pop or go anywhere other than where I expected it to go, but I can't really fault it for very much either. A fun read, if an insubstantial one.
I really enjoyed the point your story makes, even if it is a bit unsettling to realize that, well, on the surface Twilight really doesn't do anything. It's a good topic that warrants further exploration in a longer fic, perhaps.
The first part with Starswirl could be debated, as it's a bit of headcanon, so it might have been worth it to explore a bit further as Fan pointed out.
The characterization was quite good, I felt, too! I especially liked Rainbow Dash.
Writing was solid, but like Fan said, changing to a new paragraph with every new speaker is very important. That way you can avoid confusing the reader, and the text itself flows better.
The first part with Starswirl could be debated, as it's a bit of headcanon, so it might have been worth it to explore a bit further as Fan pointed out.
The characterization was quite good, I felt, too! I especially liked Rainbow Dash.
Writing was solid, but like Fan said, changing to a new paragraph with every new speaker is very important. That way you can avoid confusing the reader, and the text itself flows better.
This was fun! At first I was unsure of the format, and it takes a bit to understand what's going on, but once you do, it's a very fun fic with an interesting idea.
The characterizations were very good, too, though I felt sometimes Spike's own entries used vocabulary he wouldn't exactly use. Of course, this is up to debate, so that's nothing wrong, more like a preference, I suppose. Dash was great, though, as was Twilight. Twilight's last entry was delightfully amusing, and I feel bad for laughing at her remark on Spike's "limited vocabulary".
The characterizations were very good, too, though I felt sometimes Spike's own entries used vocabulary he wouldn't exactly use. Of course, this is up to debate, so that's nothing wrong, more like a preference, I suppose. Dash was great, though, as was Twilight. Twilight's last entry was delightfully amusing, and I feel bad for laughing at her remark on Spike's "limited vocabulary".
Simply for the phrase, "Cythylla shrugged a hundred dark noodly shoulders," I give you a thumbs up, author. That gave me a good giggle.
Didn't recognise the complexities of the crossover as FoME describes, so a little bit was lost on me, but not much, surprisingly. I will agree that too many words are spent on the untranslatable, especially since I found the shorter, snappier translations much funnier.
It does feel to me like the tone changes from comedic to serious in a bit of a jarring manner, though. More words might help smooth the transition, but perhaps author should pick a tone and stick with it for consistency. Although maybe I wasn't supposed to find the end serious in the first place?
That said, I feel like this will be a strong contendet as far as I am concerned.
Didn't recognise the complexities of the crossover as FoME describes, so a little bit was lost on me, but not much, surprisingly. I will agree that too many words are spent on the untranslatable, especially since I found the shorter, snappier translations much funnier.
It does feel to me like the tone changes from comedic to serious in a bit of a jarring manner, though. More words might help smooth the transition, but perhaps author should pick a tone and stick with it for consistency. Although maybe I wasn't supposed to find the end serious in the first place?
That said, I feel like this will be a strong contendet as far as I am concerned.
Hi!
I liked the story! It's always nice to see interactions between Luna and Celestia as a filly!
Admittedly, I was confused at first, because it's not instantly clarified that they're fillies, and as such the characterization really threw me off because it's hard to imagine their grown-up versions acting in such a way. I think characterization is really my only complaint, but since they're fillies, that might be more subject to debate.
The descriptions I enjoyed a lot, too! And I love the implications of this because it means that, after Luna was banished, Celestia moved the castle to Canterlot Mountain in her honor.
I liked the story! It's always nice to see interactions between Luna and Celestia as a filly!
Admittedly, I was confused at first, because it's not instantly clarified that they're fillies, and as such the characterization really threw me off because it's hard to imagine their grown-up versions acting in such a way. I think characterization is really my only complaint, but since they're fillies, that might be more subject to debate.
The descriptions I enjoyed a lot, too! And I love the implications of this because it means that, after Luna was banished, Celestia moved the castle to Canterlot Mountain in her honor.
Ahhhhhhh.
This was... interesting.
The writing is very nice, I felt, and it flows well. Characterizations too seemed spot-on, and descriptions were very nice. At first I wasn't sure how this was related to the prompt, but then I reached Twilight's last dialogue and it fit. That was great.
The story itself is very ominous, and the implications of what happened to Celestia and Cadance just... That was very unsettling. I am curious, though, why Twilight was saved from having some sort of "fate"? Unless she isn't yet a princess in this canon, or maybe Discord spared her for some reason. It might be worth exploring if you ever write a longer version!
Nice fic, if ominous.
This was... interesting.
The writing is very nice, I felt, and it flows well. Characterizations too seemed spot-on, and descriptions were very nice. At first I wasn't sure how this was related to the prompt, but then I reached Twilight's last dialogue and it fit. That was great.
The story itself is very ominous, and the implications of what happened to Celestia and Cadance just... That was very unsettling. I am curious, though, why Twilight was saved from having some sort of "fate"? Unless she isn't yet a princess in this canon, or maybe Discord spared her for some reason. It might be worth exploring if you ever write a longer version!
Nice fic, if ominous.
This was alright. Rather average.
It felt like a series of rolling hills. Not like, the story went up and down as it progressed but more like, the elements where the story was strong, it showed, and the elements where the story suffered, showed as well. I'll hit on the big point or two:
> The impact of the word limit bled through every word. The pacing was fine, and felt oddly natural, but you could really feel the struggle of conforming to the word limit. It feels like you took a short story, and shoved it into a minific. Like, you crammed it in, trying to fit a whole story in the confines of 750 words and the result is an average, bare-bones story. There's not a whole lot of explanation to things, events happen then the story suddenly progresses, the resolution was too easy, and some questions like what happened to the blue colt weren't answered.
It had all the elements of a story... and it was coherent, but you left me with only the neccesary. This story is like the bare necessities. You have everything a story needs, and actually managed to make this quite good for your constraints and what you tried to do, but due to those constraints it just... didn't truly become what it could be, you know?
My strong recommendation is for you to maybe write a scene. Sitting down, 750 words seems like a lot of room to fit everything you want into your story, but those words go by so fast and you have to cram to finish the story. Whereas with a scene, it's nice and simple. Scenes are typically pretty short anyways, and they just... work better with these kind of competitions. I hope I'm conveying this properly, I'm not sure.
It was alright, overall. As I mentioned, I imagine this would work a lot better if this was a short story instead of a minific, and hey maybe adapt it and upload it on FIMfiction or something. I'd read it. But as of it's current state, it's middle of the pack.
It felt like a series of rolling hills. Not like, the story went up and down as it progressed but more like, the elements where the story was strong, it showed, and the elements where the story suffered, showed as well. I'll hit on the big point or two:
> The impact of the word limit bled through every word. The pacing was fine, and felt oddly natural, but you could really feel the struggle of conforming to the word limit. It feels like you took a short story, and shoved it into a minific. Like, you crammed it in, trying to fit a whole story in the confines of 750 words and the result is an average, bare-bones story. There's not a whole lot of explanation to things, events happen then the story suddenly progresses, the resolution was too easy, and some questions like what happened to the blue colt weren't answered.
It had all the elements of a story... and it was coherent, but you left me with only the neccesary. This story is like the bare necessities. You have everything a story needs, and actually managed to make this quite good for your constraints and what you tried to do, but due to those constraints it just... didn't truly become what it could be, you know?
My strong recommendation is for you to maybe write a scene. Sitting down, 750 words seems like a lot of room to fit everything you want into your story, but those words go by so fast and you have to cram to finish the story. Whereas with a scene, it's nice and simple. Scenes are typically pretty short anyways, and they just... work better with these kind of competitions. I hope I'm conveying this properly, I'm not sure.
It was alright, overall. As I mentioned, I imagine this would work a lot better if this was a short story instead of a minific, and hey maybe adapt it and upload it on FIMfiction or something. I'd read it. But as of it's current state, it's middle of the pack.
I really enjoyed this and am quite envious of its quality. It's very well-written, and the idea stands out--in a good way, I promise.
This felt like one of the more complete entries I read. And critique is kind of... well, I don't have a whole lot. As I said, loved the concept (though if I have something minor... I didn't really see the direct link to the prompt), the characterization was excellent; more so in their actions than their dialogue, and the descriptions were just... great. I really did enjoy this fic, and I can't say a whole lot else. Um... but if there was one thing to say was I guess it the general throwing up was sort of arbitrary. Like, he felt sick, he was under pressure, got that, just vomiting was sudden. Which, I guess works for this story. And makes sense since you really never expect to feel sick... it just happens.
Honestly, I can't really think of anything, and I really shouldn't try either. I loved it! Great job! Not flawless, of course, but very, very well done.
This felt like one of the more complete entries I read. And critique is kind of... well, I don't have a whole lot. As I said, loved the concept (though if I have something minor... I didn't really see the direct link to the prompt), the characterization was excellent; more so in their actions than their dialogue, and the descriptions were just... great. I really did enjoy this fic, and I can't say a whole lot else. Um... but if there was one thing to say was I guess it the general throwing up was sort of arbitrary. Like, he felt sick, he was under pressure, got that, just vomiting was sudden. Which, I guess works for this story. And makes sense since you really never expect to feel sick... it just happens.
Honestly, I can't really think of anything, and I really shouldn't try either. I loved it! Great job! Not flawless, of course, but very, very well done.
>>ChappedPenguinLips
I understand that he trhow up though because, the "parchment" where the messages were wrote, were in fact made of animal flesh: though I'm not sure if from Celestia itself of other animal, neither why.
I understand that he trhow up though because, the "parchment" where the messages were wrote, were in fact made of animal flesh: though I'm not sure if from Celestia itself of other animal, neither why.
The material is heavy, and appears to have survived a fire,"
Never before have I seen paper of this quality. It must be an ancient form of parchment,
Princess Luna flipped both pieces of parchment over and gasped,
Resting gently on the table lay two patches of cooked hide, an unmistakeable royal sun emblazoned upon each one.
This story needs some polishing, both in the mechanical department and plotwise. There were a few typos scattered throughout, several jarring tense changes, and too much telling rather than showing. A little bit of proofreading and editing would elevate this story nicely.
Even disregarding that, though, I'm just really not a fan of this portrayal of Celestia. She comes across as a narcissistic sociopath with a god complex which, while definitely a possibility for someone of her considerable age and status, doesn't line up with the Celestia depicted in the show at all. It feels more like an attack on Ms. Harshwhinny through Celestia's voice than a thoughtful character piece. Moreover, why is Harshwhinny threatening to ban princesses from the Equestria Games to begin with? Nothing in the episodes centered around the Games seems to justify that line of reasoning, and the whole plot more or less makes no sense without that crucial bit.
In the end, I'm really just not too sure what this was trying to accomplish. I apologize if this came off as mean-spirited—I still give you major props for coming up with something period—but this just doesn't work, in my opinion.
Even disregarding that, though, I'm just really not a fan of this portrayal of Celestia. She comes across as a narcissistic sociopath with a god complex which, while definitely a possibility for someone of her considerable age and status, doesn't line up with the Celestia depicted in the show at all. It feels more like an attack on Ms. Harshwhinny through Celestia's voice than a thoughtful character piece. Moreover, why is Harshwhinny threatening to ban princesses from the Equestria Games to begin with? Nothing in the episodes centered around the Games seems to justify that line of reasoning, and the whole plot more or less makes no sense without that crucial bit.
In the end, I'm really just not too sure what this was trying to accomplish. I apologize if this came off as mean-spirited—I still give you major props for coming up with something period—but this just doesn't work, in my opinion.
This was very cute!
The writing was solid, and Rarity and Twilight is always a treat to read. Your story is just 750 words, so all my complaints aren't really valid since they'd involve adding more to the story. Rarity's dialogues feel just a teensy bit off in some parts, but nothing too bad, and Twilight herself is very good.
The reveal was very cute, and I could totally hear Rarity's 'innocent' "Yes, darling?" at Twilight's questioning. I also really liked that if can be interpreted both as platonic or romantic, though I'm venturing a guess at saying it was romantic? I don't really feel like she'd be making up so many excuses for a normal friends sleep-over?
All in all, super cute!
The writing was solid, and Rarity and Twilight is always a treat to read. Your story is just 750 words, so all my complaints aren't really valid since they'd involve adding more to the story. Rarity's dialogues feel just a teensy bit off in some parts, but nothing too bad, and Twilight herself is very good.
The reveal was very cute, and I could totally hear Rarity's 'innocent' "Yes, darling?" at Twilight's questioning. I also really liked that if can be interpreted both as platonic or romantic, though I'm venturing a guess at saying it was romantic? I don't really feel like she'd be making up so many excuses for a normal friends sleep-over?
All in all, super cute!
>>TIAS_A1927
I'm thinking that the measures Celestia took to prevent Tirek from absorbing her magic if he found her was to remove her cutie marks, in the short term at least. Probably the reasoning is that since the cutie marks disappear when he absorbs a pony's magic(at least that's what I think happens), they act as a form of conduit. She wrote the messages on her own skin. That's why Luna felt the "parchment" was older than her.
I'm thinking that the measures Celestia took to prevent Tirek from absorbing her magic if he found her was to remove her cutie marks, in the short term at least. Probably the reasoning is that since the cutie marks disappear when he absorbs a pony's magic(at least that's what I think happens), they act as a form of conduit. She wrote the messages on her own skin. That's why Luna felt the "parchment" was older than her.
>>Crimmar
It makes sense. I thought it was Celestia's skin, I just didn't make the conecction between cutie marks and magics.
It makes sense. I thought it was Celestia's skin, I just didn't make the conecction between cutie marks and magics.
Unfortunately (it pains me to say this) but despite how much I enjoyed this, I had to rate this low on my list. And... it'll most likely stay around the bottom four as I keep reading stories. And the reason it pains me to say this, is because it's a good story! It's a nice, cute little story, and I liked it. However, the killer to this story is I don't see how this story relates to the prompt. There are some stories that very loosely interpreted the prompt, but I could still identify some sort of connection. Unfortunately, I can't see a connection in this one... and I think one of the key elements of this contest is who can write the best story adhering to the prompt, and this one neglects the prompt, which is a shame because I liked this story. I really did. The characters were done well, and despite it being an overused concept, I found enjoyment in it. It was adorable! And the idea was all there just... not for this particular prompt.
If another commenter can draw a connection from the story to the prompt I have no problem with reevaluating but as it stands, I can't see that connection. Sorry. :c
Also, a little bit of critique...
In the first paragraph there was a tense change. It wasn't a grand first impression but it wasn't a terrible one either. There were no other grammatical issues I saw, so I guess this was the only one. So... I guess not really critique, just watch out for tense changes next time.
If another commenter can draw a connection from the story to the prompt I have no problem with reevaluating but as it stands, I can't see that connection. Sorry. :c
Also, a little bit of critique...
In the first paragraph there was a tense change. It wasn't a grand first impression but it wasn't a terrible one either. There were no other grammatical issues I saw, so I guess this was the only one. So... I guess not really critique, just watch out for tense changes next time.
The world-building is strong and I very much enjoy Celestia's characterisation; she's new to this, and it shows, but she also has a strong sense of morality. Descriptions are good and dialogue flows naturally. My biggest complaint would be that this only feels like the beginning to something larger, and now I'm intrigued as to where it would go.
Thank you for submitting your work.
Thank you for submitting your work.
Aw, that was sweet. This Twilight is definitely a slightly different characterisation of that from the show, but it's one that's consistent throughout and it works, given her explanations about her life. Things have changed. She's grown.
What I'm a little confused about is... the timeline? It seems a bit odd to tell a story and then say "And then I told this story" and then continued on from there. This is but a small detail, though; on the whole, I like the narrative device of Twilight telling this to her child.
What I'm a little confused about is... the timeline? It seems a bit odd to tell a story and then say "And then I told this story" and then continued on from there. This is but a small detail, though; on the whole, I like the narrative device of Twilight telling this to her child.
Bit of an anticlimax, but it works alright.
I'm not sure this really sold me on their being much of a conflict here. These ponies seemed to be pretty much set and decided by the middle or earlier. The ending surprised me because I wasn't sure what they were going to do, not because I wasn't sure they were going to do what they were talking about... if that makes sense? Maybe it's just me. I do feel you'd have been better off using a different product than Craftsmare, if only because you already used them in the middle bit; it feels like recursion of some sort, but I really don't see how it is.
I'm not sure this really sold me on their being much of a conflict here. These ponies seemed to be pretty much set and decided by the middle or earlier. The ending surprised me because I wasn't sure what they were going to do, not because I wasn't sure they were going to do what they were talking about... if that makes sense? Maybe it's just me. I do feel you'd have been better off using a different product than Craftsmare, if only because you already used them in the middle bit; it feels like recursion of some sort, but I really don't see how it is.
I like the idea of this fic.
However... the actual dialogue here was a bit... grating to me. The visual jokes don't work nearly as well in a written medium, IMHO, and I have no idea how to make that better; I've written about two scenes with Discord and neither is exactly stunning.
Furthurmore, the whole 'Celestia is fat' thing has always seemed really pointless to me. I might have rolled my eyes the first time I saw it? I dunno. I don't think it's pulling its weight here.
The bit with the sun and the moon, and it being reciprocal though... that's pretty great, and I really did like it. I'm not sure how to improve the rest of this fic, but there's a golden idea at the center there, which is worth a lot.
However... the actual dialogue here was a bit... grating to me. The visual jokes don't work nearly as well in a written medium, IMHO, and I have no idea how to make that better; I've written about two scenes with Discord and neither is exactly stunning.
Furthurmore, the whole 'Celestia is fat' thing has always seemed really pointless to me. I might have rolled my eyes the first time I saw it? I dunno. I don't think it's pulling its weight here.
The bit with the sun and the moon, and it being reciprocal though... that's pretty great, and I really did like it. I'm not sure how to improve the rest of this fic, but there's a golden idea at the center there, which is worth a lot.
>>FanOfMostEverything The D is optional.
Colour me amused. I like the interactions between Trixie and the Jinn, and I always like a little incompetent bureaucracy combined with someone demanding more than what the bureaucracy is equipped to handle. I agree there needs to be some grammatical polish; in addition, you could do more to set the scene so I get a good feeling of where this takes place. The end is goofy yet fitting, but I'd also like to see it expanded a tad.
Colour me amused. I like the interactions between Trixie and the Jinn, and I always like a little incompetent bureaucracy combined with someone demanding more than what the bureaucracy is equipped to handle. I agree there needs to be some grammatical polish; in addition, you could do more to set the scene so I get a good feeling of where this takes place. The end is goofy yet fitting, but I'd also like to see it expanded a tad.
Ah, and here we have one of those stories that is so brief, but feels all the better for it. I really like your characterisation of Twilight here, and this highlights an issue that exists in the show, of how kind of weird and stilted the Cutie Map episodes seem. And I like how you work in Twilight's immortality (if I'm interpreting that right). It's kind of chilling, the thought that she's the Princess of Friendship and yet her purpose is to make those friends and... move on once they're gone, making new friends? Really, I think you could add a little more description of the scene, or be a tad more specific about which friends had gone where, but I like the relation to the prompt and your Twilight dialogue is great.
I enjoy your interactions here between Celestia and Luna, and Twilight between them; they feel like old siblings who know each other quite well, yet still the same regality of their show selves. I do also like the touch of Luna comparing the 'pastry terrorists' to the assassins of old. Yet it seems almost like the tone takes a major shift for the goofy halfway through, and I'm left just confused enough by the ending that I feel like... maybe some revision is needed. There's definitely the start of something good here, though; I just think you need to focus that.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I agree with this; the prose is dense and hard to follow, particularly in the beginning, and it seems somewhat stilted. The second scene is better, and I like the interaction between Luna and Celestia, but I feel like it could use a tad of the descriptiveness of the first part, just to kind of set the scene. More descriptive language. And yeah, I'd probably just cut the present tense altogether, especially considering you're not sticking to it.
I agree with this; the prose is dense and hard to follow, particularly in the beginning, and it seems somewhat stilted. The second scene is better, and I like the interaction between Luna and Celestia, but I feel like it could use a tad of the descriptiveness of the first part, just to kind of set the scene. More descriptive language. And yeah, I'd probably just cut the present tense altogether, especially considering you're not sticking to it.
I'm disappointed I was unable to enter the other two entries I was working on, but the one I did enter is definitely going up on Fimfiction after the contest is over.
I'm pretty sure it will pass the cut.
Now I only need to find the time to read and review all the other entries. That will be difficult, however: Autumn started less than a week ago and I'm racing the clock with many irons in the mixed metaphors.
I'm pretty sure it will pass the cut.
Now I only need to find the time to read and review all the other entries. That will be difficult, however: Autumn started less than a week ago and I'm racing the clock with many irons in the mixed metaphors.
First of all, I like the idea. It seems realistic for a conversation between the two on the subject, especially at Twilight's young age. I also like how you've framed it, as a story Twilight's told to her granddaughter. However, I feel like it needs some work. The dialogue isn't... dialogue-y enough; there's not enough of a back-and-forth, as Celestia speaks in these large paragraphs. In addition, I feel like there needs to be more actions, more to break up the long chunks of dialogue when there's nothing but that.
This suffers from telliness: you need to find a way to show the audience what you want them to know, instead of telling them how to feel.
I could critique other things but tell is far and away the biggest problem with your writing here. Look up examples online. I think this story in particular is a high degree of difficulty to make showy, too. Stories with more dialogue and less essential backstory are much easier to show. This story is really about what's going on in Celestia's head, and her brainspace has to essentially narrate the backstory to the audience which seems artificial.
This story might actually be overly-ambitious for a minific: it might not be a story that can be shown properly in 750 words. The fact that not much happens action-wise doesn't mean the story is a minific candidate. :twilightsmile:
I could critique other things but tell is far and away the biggest problem with your writing here. Look up examples online. I think this story in particular is a high degree of difficulty to make showy, too. Stories with more dialogue and less essential backstory are much easier to show. This story is really about what's going on in Celestia's head, and her brainspace has to essentially narrate the backstory to the audience which seems artificial.
This story might actually be overly-ambitious for a minific: it might not be a story that can be shown properly in 750 words. The fact that not much happens action-wise doesn't mean the story is a minific candidate. :twilightsmile:
The use of 'convection oven' felt anachronistic, but it got off to a good start otherwise. I liked the steady buildup of the piece. Big Mac's princess focus was amusing. Mechanically it was solid.
I did have some trouble with the ending; the premise felt a little too stretched to take seriously. That said, I can appreciate the humor in the reversal of the 'batteries not included line'
So while the fic didn't quite land for me, it was still fun.
I did have some trouble with the ending; the premise felt a little too stretched to take seriously. That said, I can appreciate the humor in the reversal of the 'batteries not included line'
So while the fic didn't quite land for me, it was still fun.
I liked the first half quite a bit, and while it's a conversation I'd seen before, I do like interaction between these two, particularly about princesshood. The writing there is a bit purple, a bit wordy; the dialogue sections don't really sound like things that the characters would actually say, mostly for these longer words used throughout. I didn't see the ending coming at all, however, and unless I missed something it wasn't adequately foreshadowed. It was a good take on the prompt, but one I didn't feel suited the story because it came out of left field and is a tonal mismatch with the rest. Still, I liked the inclusion of the Unicorn Chess game and your description of Twilight's playing was actually quite enthralling.
I like the story, but it suffers from message ambiguity at the end. Canonically, the Crystal Castle is a rhizome of the Tree of Harmony. It isn't Discord's style to plan out something with this much detail, and the fact that the creator tries to pretend to be Celestia undercuts the idea that she's actually the one behind it. I'm left without any theories on who is responsible, which makes me feel like I've missed a vital clue. Is it supposed to be Twilight? That doesn't make any sense either. Is it the Smooze? Countess Coloratura? Hayseed Turnip Truck? :rainbowhuh:
This is subtle telliness. Use horsewords to lead the audience to realize that this is a complicated magical artifact, don't outright tell us that it's complex and magical.
...streaming instructions and complicated spell matrices into the even more complicated magical artifact.
This is subtle telliness. Use horsewords to lead the audience to realize that this is a complicated magical artifact, don't outright tell us that it's complex and magical.
This is definitely an interesting idea, and not one I've seen before. It's well-written, as Jupiter said, and I like how you weave the backstory of the whole project right into the moment; it feels very much like Twilight's thoughts racing (though in a 3rd person lens) just as they're about to blast off. The dialogue and characterisations are quite good, too; really what I want from this is more, and I do hope that you go on to expand it because this seems like a great introduction to a good sci-fi-y story.
The writing here is stellar, with just the right amount of description, and I like your characterisation of Cadance. Your descriptions are well-balanced between simplicity and flair, and though the beginning starts off with a few choppy sentences, the language flows pretty well through the rest.
The idea behind it... I think I like it? My biggest issue is that I find it too subtle to truly know what's going on. I understand that there is some sort of great evil Sombra has caused, but I'm not sure exactly about the Mi Amore/Cadenza distinction. Like, are they two actual, physical ponies? Personalities? Is Cadenza giving herself up to that domain permanently, or only for a time? (Like, do they switch off?) Really, I would just love to know more about what's going on.
(Disclaimer: Maybe it is more obvious, and I am just an idiot.)
The idea behind it... I think I like it? My biggest issue is that I find it too subtle to truly know what's going on. I understand that there is some sort of great evil Sombra has caused, but I'm not sure exactly about the Mi Amore/Cadenza distinction. Like, are they two actual, physical ponies? Personalities? Is Cadenza giving herself up to that domain permanently, or only for a time? (Like, do they switch off?) Really, I would just love to know more about what's going on.
(Disclaimer: Maybe it is more obvious, and I am just an idiot.)
I'm sorry, I'm just not into HiE, not at all, especially "Human is the chosen one" plots. I don't think my vote would be very objective on this one, and so I'm abstaining from it.
Good luck with the other readers.
Good luck with the other readers.
This is a very old trope in the fandom, and it's difficult to use it to contribute anything new or interesting. I think the biggest problem with the message the story gives us is that it doesn't actually tell us if there's an afterlife or what it is, or why princesses don't eventually die after millenia since they can't stay around literally forever. By trying to avoid explicitly providing an afterlife mythos or saying that it doesn't exist, you leave too much up to the reader and we don't feel like we have a full message.
I think part of this disconnect comes from the fact that Celestia is speaking to a child, and she speaks in riddles because the child isn't ready to handle the truth. But the audience reading this isn't children, and even if we were, this isn't a good way to approach discussion about death (whether or not there is an afterlife) with children. It seems like the issue is being danced around.
I'm not sure why Celestia's situation is really that different, since she and other alicorns are friends, so those friends stay with her forever. The story fails to explain why Celestia's alicorn friendships aren't worth the same as other ponies' non-alicorn friendships, so to speak.
I think the opener and closer portions are an unnecessary distraction. This story is currently a flashback to a time when Twilight told a story from her youth (a second flashback within the first one) about a conversation with Celestia. Just tell the story at a single level: either Twilight to her descendant, or Celestia to Twilight. It's tempting to gum things up like this because it feels like you're saying more, but it isn't a good idea.
I think part of this disconnect comes from the fact that Celestia is speaking to a child, and she speaks in riddles because the child isn't ready to handle the truth. But the audience reading this isn't children, and even if we were, this isn't a good way to approach discussion about death (whether or not there is an afterlife) with children. It seems like the issue is being danced around.
I'm not sure why Celestia's situation is really that different, since she and other alicorns are friends, so those friends stay with her forever. The story fails to explain why Celestia's alicorn friendships aren't worth the same as other ponies' non-alicorn friendships, so to speak.
I think the opener and closer portions are an unnecessary distraction. This story is currently a flashback to a time when Twilight told a story from her youth (a second flashback within the first one) about a conversation with Celestia. Just tell the story at a single level: either Twilight to her descendant, or Celestia to Twilight. It's tempting to gum things up like this because it feels like you're saying more, but it isn't a good idea.
The body language was good, and I liked the creativity. Discord's little asides were amusing, but they were also a little telly. Agreed that it's harder to write those antics than show them.
The dialog felt a little mixed to me; some sounded authentic, but others fell flat. Just how powerful is Discord to have pulled off that little feat?
I'll agree with Not_A_Hat that the core idea is quite clever, but the execution could be refined.
The dialog felt a little mixed to me; some sounded authentic, but others fell flat. Just how powerful is Discord to have pulled off that little feat?
I'll agree with Not_A_Hat that the core idea is quite clever, but the execution could be refined.
The story is okay but the execution has flaws. I understand the gimmick you're trying to use here, and I don't think it's innately a bad one. In this case, however, it's difficult to pull off properly and the end result doesn't work the way you wanted.
The most basic interactions in a story shouldn't be a puzzle for the reader to figure out. It's especially frustrating when you make the readers a character in the story, dictate our own actions and words in second-pony perspective, and then don't even tell us what we did or said. We're left with one-half of a dialogue, and we have to guess at the words that came out of our own mouth. You even tell us to "sit there and listen" and "be quiet", but we don't know what we just said or did to prompt your responses.
This would work much better if you didn't lean quite so hard on the gimmick. Give us a clue what's going on earlier in the story, and don't pretend there's an exchange on our side of the equation. Try not to use the gimmick as an excuse to narrate a bunch of stuff that happened verbatim, because that isn't how ponies actually talk to each other. This might work better as a letter that contained the destroyed pendant in it, but however you do it, controlling the readers' actions and leaving us in the dark at the same time is a recipe for aggravation.
As an aside, there's a reason you don't see the "leave off the second quote mark" convention much in fiction: it's a problem if your dialogue has no action to break it up. In this case there shouldn't be any quotation marks at all because everything is dialogue from one character.
The most basic interactions in a story shouldn't be a puzzle for the reader to figure out. It's especially frustrating when you make the readers a character in the story, dictate our own actions and words in second-pony perspective, and then don't even tell us what we did or said. We're left with one-half of a dialogue, and we have to guess at the words that came out of our own mouth. You even tell us to "sit there and listen" and "be quiet", but we don't know what we just said or did to prompt your responses.
This would work much better if you didn't lean quite so hard on the gimmick. Give us a clue what's going on earlier in the story, and don't pretend there's an exchange on our side of the equation. Try not to use the gimmick as an excuse to narrate a bunch of stuff that happened verbatim, because that isn't how ponies actually talk to each other. This might work better as a letter that contained the destroyed pendant in it, but however you do it, controlling the readers' actions and leaving us in the dark at the same time is a recipe for aggravation.
As an aside, there's a reason you don't see the "leave off the second quote mark" convention much in fiction: it's a problem if your dialogue has no action to break it up. In this case there shouldn't be any quotation marks at all because everything is dialogue from one character.
Maybe it's the mood disorder talking, but I don't really see the comedy. Flim and Flam are trying to sell liquor, but they seem a little out-of-character to me because they're not doing a very good job of it. Liquor pretty much sells itself.
Is the idea that they're selling a more potent liquor than exists elsewhere in Equestria? If so, this needs to come across more clearly.
Is the idea that they're selling a more potent liquor than exists elsewhere in Equestria? If so, this needs to come across more clearly.
What is a "weeb" and why am I one? Should I be laughing or crying? :rainbowhuh:
This is cute, but it meanders between believable and silly a little too much for my taste. I think it'd be better if you chose one of the two and doubled-down on it.
I don't think the punchline pays off because the title is "Build-A-Pone" and this implies (to me, at least) that the merch doesn't exist in advance. I'm guessing this is related to the "Build a Bear" ponies where there are pre-made pieces and you just put them together, but in that case shouldn't there just be a list of ponies you can make?
I dunno. Imma go cuddle my Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie dakis now. :pinkiehappy: :scootaderp:
This is cute, but it meanders between believable and silly a little too much for my taste. I think it'd be better if you chose one of the two and doubled-down on it.
I don't think the punchline pays off because the title is "Build-A-Pone" and this implies (to me, at least) that the merch doesn't exist in advance. I'm guessing this is related to the "Build a Bear" ponies where there are pre-made pieces and you just put them together, but in that case shouldn't there just be a list of ponies you can make?
I dunno. Imma go cuddle my Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie dakis now. :pinkiehappy: :scootaderp:
This is an old MLP trope, done very well.
I think the "never and never" is a bit confusing, as the words are extreme and I wasn't sure I was reading her meaning right initially. "No and no" or "no to both" would be much better.
I didn't like Celestia referring to Twilight in the third pony when she did—it seems very out of character for her. Celestia is direct, not aloof (at least not aloof in this way).
I think the "never and never" is a bit confusing, as the words are extreme and I wasn't sure I was reading her meaning right initially. "No and no" or "no to both" would be much better.
I didn't like Celestia referring to Twilight in the third pony when she did—it seems very out of character for her. Celestia is direct, not aloof (at least not aloof in this way).
I enjoyed the story. It was subtle, somber and yet easy to understand. If it were a longer story I'd probably want some more details regarding the particulars of the curse and some of the inferred details and how Cadence felt when she found out but, as it stands it's nice story.
The clauses of that first sentence need to get a communal divorce and spend time in sentences of their own.
The condor sentence confused me, and was a telly way of describing Discord's chaos that doesn't fit well with the spirit of the show.
I wouldn't expect Twilight to hyperventilate at the end. I'd expect her curiosity at the implications of Discord's actions to dominate. There's no reason for her to be frustrated. She hasn't asked Discord to reverse things, and she hasn't even provided any arguments to suggest what he did was a bad thing. The alicorns have never, ever used the Sun and Moon for nefarious purposes (excepting Nightmare Moon), so the orbs are a duty, not a power. It seems to me that Discord has done them a favor and Twilight is overreacting. I don't even understand how Twilight seems to understand what Discord did: why would she ever have imagined what he chose to do as a possibility? Astronomy certainly isn't intuitive!
I think this story could be taken to another level, if you know what I mean.
The condor sentence confused me, and was a telly way of describing Discord's chaos that doesn't fit well with the spirit of the show.
I wouldn't expect Twilight to hyperventilate at the end. I'd expect her curiosity at the implications of Discord's actions to dominate. There's no reason for her to be frustrated. She hasn't asked Discord to reverse things, and she hasn't even provided any arguments to suggest what he did was a bad thing. The alicorns have never, ever used the Sun and Moon for nefarious purposes (excepting Nightmare Moon), so the orbs are a duty, not a power. It seems to me that Discord has done them a favor and Twilight is overreacting. I don't even understand how Twilight seems to understand what Discord did: why would she ever have imagined what he chose to do as a possibility? Astronomy certainly isn't intuitive!
I think this story could be taken to another level, if you know what I mean.
This is going to be the standard against which I rank everything--convenient, since it was the first thing on my ballot. But I'm a bit wary of the "you might become a princess too one day" angle. It might have been even more meaningful if Celestia had explained death and immortality to Twilight and expressed her feelings without trying to teach the your friends will die lesson.
Nonetheless, it's a solid story.
>>Trick_Question
I don't think Celestia here is dancing around the issue of the afterlife existing. She seems to be pretty clear that it does. The particulars aren't really relevant to the story.
Nonetheless, it's a solid story.
>>Trick_Question
I don't think Celestia here is dancing around the issue of the afterlife existing. She seems to be pretty clear that it does. The particulars aren't really relevant to the story.
Sometimes I really hate your subtlety, Rares!
Sometimes I really hate your subtlety, author!
I suspect this is a misaimed attempt at romance, but if it is, it's so misaimed that I can't say for certain.
More than anything, it sounds like Rarity is abusing her friendship because Sunset is the only
There are several hints that this is intended to be shipping, but I think it's more in the mind of the author than anywhere else. Neither a crude "send me nudes" nor flattery to get somepony to do what you want come off as romantic interest.
But if it isn't shipping, then I don't know what the vignette is supposed to leave me with. Is it a sadfic because Sunset being without friends for so long has turned her into a walking doormat? That I can understand (and I'm starting to suspect that was your intent all along), but you need to hit the message harder.
>>Waterpear
If she's going to tell Twilight that an afterlife exists, it makes no sense that she wouldn't describe it! If it exists, how do they know? Why can't they communicate with the ponies who are there anymore? These are questions any child would ask.
The author chose not to open a can of worms after they made it the centerpiece of the table, and I think that's a vital mistake.
If she's going to tell Twilight that an afterlife exists, it makes no sense that she wouldn't describe it! If it exists, how do they know? Why can't they communicate with the ponies who are there anymore? These are questions any child would ask.
The author chose not to open a can of worms after they made it the centerpiece of the table, and I think that's a vital mistake.
This is quite funny. Seeing Trixie being absolutely inept at literally everything was great. The characters' voices were on point, too.
Unfortunately, minor technical and stylistic issues hold it back. Things like incorrect dialogue punctuation and inappropriate ellipses I'm not going to rag on too heavily, but they're still problems. Probably the most risible style issue is:
It'd be funnier if you didn't point out the joke.
Polish this up and you'll have a real winner! :D
Unfortunately, minor technical and stylistic issues hold it back. Things like incorrect dialogue punctuation and inappropriate ellipses I'm not going to rag on too heavily, but they're still problems. Probably the most risible style issue is:
“Yes, yes she did!” Trixie-in-Twilight replied, not even noticing her slip-up.
It'd be funnier if you didn't point out the joke.
Polish this up and you'll have a real winner! :D
The punchline is really, really flat. So's the rest of the story, I'm sorry to say. The coupon disclaimer is easily the funniest part; I got a chuckle from the dakimakura joke.
You need to make what you're trying to say more explicit, because I have too many questions at the end.
Clearly, Celestia and Luna choose not to have families to stay immortal, but that isn't an option for Twilight because friendship and love require rebirth while the Sun and Moon do not? Then how did friendship exist in the first place before Twilight ascended? I don't get it.
For spilling the beans on a secret with tremendous impact on Twilight's entire life, Princess Cadance sure seems awfully nonchalant about it.
You need to set "understanding" apart with two commas, or else it sounds like "understanding" is a direct object of "nodded" even though "nodded" is intransitive.
But you shouldn't use "understanding" in there at all because it's telly, so just remove it. :twilightsmile: Let the reader come to the conclusion that Cadance understands Twilight's situation. Trust us more.
Clearly, Celestia and Luna choose not to have families to stay immortal, but that isn't an option for Twilight because friendship and love require rebirth while the Sun and Moon do not? Then how did friendship exist in the first place before Twilight ascended? I don't get it.
For spilling the beans on a secret with tremendous impact on Twilight's entire life, Princess Cadance sure seems awfully nonchalant about it.
Cadance nodded her understanding and resumed filling Flurry Heart’s bottle.
You need to set "understanding" apart with two commas, or else it sounds like "understanding" is a direct object of "nodded" even though "nodded" is intransitive.
But you shouldn't use "understanding" in there at all because it's telly, so just remove it. :twilightsmile: Let the reader come to the conclusion that Cadance understands Twilight's situation. Trust us more.
Also, are you suggesting that Twilight has to make a suicide pact with her friends so they all die at the same time, or else friendship will disappear from Equestria?
That's a little cray-cray for Twilight to accept at face value.
That's a little cray-cray for Twilight to accept at face value.
I quite like this! The jokes were funny -- particularly the one about types of virgin blood -- it had a whimsical and friendly tone, and the conclusion nicely wrapped the whole thing up. It felt right for its length, and kept very solid pacing.
SCORE-O-METER: 8.8/10 Very solid, made me smile. Didn't blow me away, but I will not be upset if it wins.
SCORE-O-METER: 8.8/10 Very solid, made me smile. Didn't blow me away, but I will not be upset if it wins.
This is kind of a headcanon dump. I can't really say much about it. That said, Windy Seed is super cute.