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Build-A-Pone Workshop
“Good morning, sir. Welcome to Build-A-Pone. How may I assist you today?”
“Well, I have this coupon for one free pony, so...”
“Very well. Just step right over here and we can get started. Now which pony did you have in mind?”
“Well, Luna has always been my favorite.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but if you read the fine print on that coupon, you will see that princesses are not included in this offer.”
“Ahhh. I see. I guess that's okay though. I like Rainbow Dash a lot too, so I can just get her instead.”
“I'm sorry, sir; I should have been clearer. The fine print on your coupon specifically says that 'this offer does not include any present, past, or future princesses. Nor does it include any non-pony creatures, including but not limited to dragons, draconequui, changelings, griffons, bears, bugbears, humans, ponies in human form, humans in pony form, and horses. May not be used to purchase dakimakura, because don't sell any; so stop asking, you weebs. Cash value 1/100¢, but please don't try to redeem that way. Void if reproduced, copied, transferred, cursed, burned, eaten, sent back in time, or sold. Not valid in rectangular states. Known to cause cancer in the state of California. Void where prohibited, discouraged, or under restraining order. Expires 9/7/2016.'”
“Okaaaaay then. But what does any of that have to do with Rainbow Dash?”
“Haven't you heard? Rainbow Dash is going to become a princess next season.”
“No, I hadn't heard that. Are you sure?”
“It came straight from the pony's mouth, so to speak.”
“Then how about Pinkie Pie?”
“Surely you jest, sir. Everyone knows that while Pinkie Pie might look like a pony, her abilities make it quite clear that she is really an eldritch abomination from beyond space and time.”
“What about Rarity?”
“Are you also unaware that she will be marrying Prince Blueblood in the season finale?”
“Fluttershy?”
“And she will be marrying Discord in next season's premier, and he is technically the Prince of Chaos.”
“And let me guess: Applejack is going to use a magic apple to become an alicorn next week. Or has she secretly been a changeling the entire time.”
“Of course not, sir. Applejack is definitely a pony, and as far as we know, she is not a princess, and never has been or will become one.”
“Fine. I'll take her then.”
“I'm sorry, sir, but you can't do that.”
“Why not? You just said that she's a not a princess.”
“That is correct. We just don't carry any Applejack merchandise.”
“Well, I have this coupon for one free pony, so...”
“Very well. Just step right over here and we can get started. Now which pony did you have in mind?”
“Well, Luna has always been my favorite.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but if you read the fine print on that coupon, you will see that princesses are not included in this offer.”
“Ahhh. I see. I guess that's okay though. I like Rainbow Dash a lot too, so I can just get her instead.”
“I'm sorry, sir; I should have been clearer. The fine print on your coupon specifically says that 'this offer does not include any present, past, or future princesses. Nor does it include any non-pony creatures, including but not limited to dragons, draconequui, changelings, griffons, bears, bugbears, humans, ponies in human form, humans in pony form, and horses. May not be used to purchase dakimakura, because don't sell any; so stop asking, you weebs. Cash value 1/100¢, but please don't try to redeem that way. Void if reproduced, copied, transferred, cursed, burned, eaten, sent back in time, or sold. Not valid in rectangular states. Known to cause cancer in the state of California. Void where prohibited, discouraged, or under restraining order. Expires 9/7/2016.'”
“Okaaaaay then. But what does any of that have to do with Rainbow Dash?”
“Haven't you heard? Rainbow Dash is going to become a princess next season.”
“No, I hadn't heard that. Are you sure?”
“It came straight from the pony's mouth, so to speak.”
“Then how about Pinkie Pie?”
“Surely you jest, sir. Everyone knows that while Pinkie Pie might look like a pony, her abilities make it quite clear that she is really an eldritch abomination from beyond space and time.”
“What about Rarity?”
“Are you also unaware that she will be marrying Prince Blueblood in the season finale?”
“Fluttershy?”
“And she will be marrying Discord in next season's premier, and he is technically the Prince of Chaos.”
“And let me guess: Applejack is going to use a magic apple to become an alicorn next week. Or has she secretly been a changeling the entire time.”
“Of course not, sir. Applejack is definitely a pony, and as far as we know, she is not a princess, and never has been or will become one.”
“Fine. I'll take her then.”
“I'm sorry, sir, but you can't do that.”
“Why not? You just said that she's a not a princess.”
“That is correct. We just don't carry any Applejack merchandise.”
What is a "weeb" and why am I one? Should I be laughing or crying? :rainbowhuh:
This is cute, but it meanders between believable and silly a little too much for my taste. I think it'd be better if you chose one of the two and doubled-down on it.
I don't think the punchline pays off because the title is "Build-A-Pone" and this implies (to me, at least) that the merch doesn't exist in advance. I'm guessing this is related to the "Build a Bear" ponies where there are pre-made pieces and you just put them together, but in that case shouldn't there just be a list of ponies you can make?
I dunno. Imma go cuddle my Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie dakis now. :pinkiehappy: :scootaderp:
This is cute, but it meanders between believable and silly a little too much for my taste. I think it'd be better if you chose one of the two and doubled-down on it.
I don't think the punchline pays off because the title is "Build-A-Pone" and this implies (to me, at least) that the merch doesn't exist in advance. I'm guessing this is related to the "Build a Bear" ponies where there are pre-made pieces and you just put them together, but in that case shouldn't there just be a list of ponies you can make?
I dunno. Imma go cuddle my Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie dakis now. :pinkiehappy: :scootaderp:
The punchline is really, really flat. So's the rest of the story, I'm sorry to say. The coupon disclaimer is easily the funniest part; I got a chuckle from the dakimakura joke.
This borders on the Monty Python cheese shop sketch. Indeed, you might want to go further in that direction. Turn the absurdity up to eleven. As is, it’s a smidgen too close to reality to feel properly surreal.
>>Trick_Question
"Weeb" is short for "Weeaboo," which was originally an intentionally meaningless word coined in The Perry Bible Fellowship. It has since become a derogatory term for anime fans.
>>Trick_Question
"Weeb" is short for "Weeaboo," which was originally an intentionally meaningless word coined in The Perry Bible Fellowship. It has since become a derogatory term for anime fans.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I know. :twilightsmile: I'm not anime though! I just like cuddling adorable naked ponies.
:pinkiesmile:
I know. :twilightsmile: I'm not anime though! I just like cuddling adorable naked ponies.
:pinkiesmile:
Build-a-Pone — A — First impression: This will not end well (+) Wonderful give-and-take between customer and salesperson, building well, and (unlike others) I considered the punchline perfect. (-) Despite an all-dialogue story, still managed to convey emotion and humor, although I’ll have to look up a few words. (Poor AJ gets no respect)
I suppose it's about time I got around to writing this retrospective.
Build-A-Pone Retrospective
This story was...a thing that happened. I knew that this story wasn't great when I submitted it, but I was okay with that because it ended up being more of a writing exercise for me than anything else. When I sat down to write it, all I had was the basic concept, and no idea how it would end. I just wrote down whatever came to me, and this is what popped out an hour later. I couldn't think of a decent way to make it better,* so I just submitted it and moved on. I was hoping that since I finished this one so quickly, I would be able to submit a second story for the first time ever, but a combination of real life responsibilities and a general lack of other ideas stopped that from happening.
*Well, I did have one other idea. I considered just going through a huge list of random characters and why they were all ineligible. But the only way I could think to end that idea was with some sort of M.A. Larson joke, and that didn't seem like it would work very well.
>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
I think you've answered your own question. :p
Yes, it was an obvious play on Build-A-Bear. Yes, if this was more realistic, there would be some sort of list of options. Maybe the clerk should have opened with something like "Welcome to Build-A-Pone, where we have every pony you could possibly want." Except AJ, because AJ always gets left out of these things.
>>Waterpear
Yeah, I know. The fine print is my favorite part too. Like I said above, I just couldn't think of a better punchline.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ahh, yes. Classic Monty Python. If I had thought of it, I probably would have used that sketch as inspiration, but it didn't occur to me. I completely agree that I should have made this more absurd.
>>georg
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
And thank you to everyone who read this story!
Build-A-Pone Retrospective
This story was...a thing that happened. I knew that this story wasn't great when I submitted it, but I was okay with that because it ended up being more of a writing exercise for me than anything else. When I sat down to write it, all I had was the basic concept, and no idea how it would end. I just wrote down whatever came to me, and this is what popped out an hour later. I couldn't think of a decent way to make it better,* so I just submitted it and moved on. I was hoping that since I finished this one so quickly, I would be able to submit a second story for the first time ever, but a combination of real life responsibilities and a general lack of other ideas stopped that from happening.
*Well, I did have one other idea. I considered just going through a huge list of random characters and why they were all ineligible. But the only way I could think to end that idea was with some sort of M.A. Larson joke, and that didn't seem like it would work very well.
>>Trick_Question
What is a "weeb" and why am I one?
Imma go cuddle my Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie dakis now.
>>Trick_Question
I just like cuddling adorable naked ponies.
I think you've answered your own question. :p
I don't think the punchline pays off because the title is "Build-A-Pone" and this implies (to me, at least) that the merch doesn't exist in advance. I'm guessing this is related to the "Build a Bear" ponies where there are pre-made pieces and you just put them together, but in that case shouldn't there just be a list of ponies you can make?
Yes, it was an obvious play on Build-A-Bear. Yes, if this was more realistic, there would be some sort of list of options. Maybe the clerk should have opened with something like "Welcome to Build-A-Pone, where we have every pony you could possibly want." Except AJ, because AJ always gets left out of these things.
>>Waterpear
Yeah, I know. The fine print is my favorite part too. Like I said above, I just couldn't think of a better punchline.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Ahh, yes. Classic Monty Python. If I had thought of it, I probably would have used that sketch as inspiration, but it didn't occur to me. I completely agree that I should have made this more absurd.
>>georg
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
And thank you to everyone who read this story!