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* Princess Not Included · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Hey you! Yes, you! With the sad eyes and the bad haircut and the general air of existential malaise!

Don't look so offended, friend. I know you. I understand you. I have been you. Metaphorically speaking. Y'see, I too was once a sad sack of a pony, adrift and lost, trapped in this bleak and pointless exercise we call “life.” But no longer! For the one thing that I can credit to my current vim and vigor (not to mention my particularly lady-charming mustache) is right here before you-- Flim and Flam Flimflam's favorite pharmaceutical phenomenon, Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise!

Trademark pending.

Made from only the finest apple cores, stems, and peels, Silver-medal Super Scrumpy is superior to that hoity-toidy Sweet Apple Acres Cider in every way! It's cheaper, it's stronger, and it's far more versatile! In a pinch, you can use Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise to strip paint, and in the winter you can even burn it like kerosene! I'd like to see Sweet Apple Acres Cider do any of that! Why, this miraculous product is so far from boring old “cider” that we're not even legally allowed use that word to describe Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise!

Listen to me, buddy, Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise is guaranteed to turn your life around! Why, after just one bottle, you'll feel a lot smarter, stronger, and far more attractive than you actually are! And that is the important part! Why go through all that hard work of self improvement when you can just kick back a few bottles and feel like you've actually accomplished something instead?

Y'see, the real key to getting ahead in life is confidence. And nothing, nothing I tell you will give you confidence like a cool, tall glass of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise! After just one drink, things will start looking up. The next thing you know, you'll be chatting up a princess of your very own, and you'll never have to be sad and lonely again! Or, you know, at least you'll think you're chatting up a princess. Might just be that mare from the corner. Or that colt over there. Or that hat rack. I won't judge. But no matter what your preference may be, all you need is a few sweet sips of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise and it's gonna be bottoms up in no time!

(Wink wink. Nudge nudge).

Why, friend, you're still not convinced? Fair enough. You're a smart pony-- no pulling the wool over your eyes! A lifetime of heartbreaking disappointment has obviously sucked the joy out of your soul to the point where you look upon everything and everypony with a cynical and suspicious eye! But, let me help you, friend, because my brother and I guarantee satisfaction in all our entrepreneurial endeavors! Because if you're not happy with your first bottle of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise, my brother and I will personally give you another bottle, and then another, and then another after that until you are satisfied, or you're physically incapable of coherent complaint! It's a win-win!

(Oh, and by the way,I am also legally required to note the following: Do not operate heavy machinery or cloud formations while under the influence of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise. Pregnant mares should not drink Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise unless they want their foals to be born all funny looking. Enjoy Silver-medal Super Scrumpy responsibly. Friends don't let friends fly drunk. Possible side effects include nausea, vertigo, migraines, temporary blindness, spontaneous combustion, or incontinence. Princess not included.)

So whaddya say, friend? Wouldn't you like to be the life of the party? It's only ten bits for the six pack, and I'll throw in this stylish bottle opener to boot! I even hear Princess Twilight Sparkle's in town, and don't you want to be at your most confident when you meet her? (You know what they say about the quiet ones, don't ya? Wink wink. Nudge nudge).

Gotta say, all this talking's made me thirsty. So why don't you put your bits on the bar here, and we can enjoy a cool, tall glass of Silver-Medal Scrumpy Surprise together? I don't know about you, but I could sure use a drink.
« Prev   5   Next »
#1 ·
· · >>Cold in Gardez >>Tumbleweed
I must ask, what is the link with the theme? It's a nice read, but I can't really grasp what the story has to do with "Princess not included".
#2 ·
· · >>MCA >>Tumbleweed

The story is framed as a sales pitch, and "*Princess Not Included" is clearly part of sales or marketing literature. Flim and Flam are trying to sell you (the reader) their miraculous drink, with promises it will turn your life around, making you so attractive even a princess might fall for you. But the drink doesn't come with a princess, so you'll need to find one yourself.

It's kind of a crude title drop. Feels like it was shoehorned in, which is odd because it absolutely wasn't necessary to shoehorn it in at all. The author could've left the title drop out and the story would've seemed a lot smarter for it.
#3 ·
>>Cold in Gardez
Wouldn't have been related to the prompt then, since it would only be a sales pitch, but yes, could have been more coherent. It's a nice read, but I just personally don't think it fits well with the theme.
#4 ·
· · >>Crimmar >>Tumbleweed
Maybe it's the mood disorder talking, but I don't really see the comedy. Flim and Flam are trying to sell liquor, but they seem a little out-of-character to me because they're not doing a very good job of it. Liquor pretty much sells itself.

Is the idea that they're selling a more potent liquor than exists elsewhere in Equestria? If so, this needs to come across more clearly.
#5 ·
· · >>Tumbleweed
It is satire on the whole concept of drinking alcohol from what I get and the effects you get from it which, when pointed out by a Flim Flam brother who are known scallywags out to pillage your pocket, sinks the point in even further. The prompt IS a bit off though. Maybe if the sixth paragraph had somehow merged in with the second to last it would make the connection with the prompt far stronger. As an avid non-alcohol drinker I quite see the anti-pitch done here.
#6 ·
· · >>Tumbleweed
Firstly, thank you for writing the title in all caps so we could distinguish this entry from the other Satisfaction Guaranteed at a glance.

The story’s almost there, but not quite. The Flimflams feel a little off-key, and not just because they don’t have a jingle going. (Not that the song’s compulsory.) Their usual MO involves something more grandiose than a furtive, one-on-one “Hey, buddy.” Plus, the sales pitch feels a little too up front and straightforward with the disclaimers and acknowledging how liquid courage isn’t the same as actual courage. Play up the snake oil more, especially since Equestria doesn’t yet appear to have a Food and Drug Act.
#7 ·
· · >>Tumbleweed
Well, I liked it.

And not just because of my endorsement deal.
#8 · 4
· · >>Tumbleweed
It could have worked. In this case I would have liked to have seen the routine that they went through because it's important to the Flim and Flam characters. When selling liquid courage (in this case booze spiked with something else) one typically had to indicate one of three things which were: be cool like the spokesperson, have a good time and/or you're going to get laid. This pitch does none of that really and feels more like a hard sell by a desperate mall worker who hasn't been able to move the smoked meat logs because they look like dried out something else.

So, if this story instead focused on a main character who sees this pitch, buys the drink, uses it and suffers some of the consequences and reads the side effects it probably would have tickled me more.

As it stands I just don't buy the pitch.
#9 · 1
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Bad Horse


Thanks for reading, guys! I had just hammered this little thing out over the course of an hour last week-- and I have a terrible habit of getting impatient and posting stuff before really giving it a fine-tuning. That, and I'd forgotten the word limit was 750 words, not 700. Oops.

In any case, I was going for an absurdist, SNL-advertising-like vibe. Somewhat akin to the "Super Happy Fun Ball" sketch, which ... I can't seem to find the original on Youtube. Nuts. (Upon basic poking, I can't seem to find the Old Glory Insurance bit either. Double-nuts).

I guess next time I'll need to play around with it a little more to make it stick a little better. Or ... something. Huh.

Or, well, we'll see how things go next writeoff!