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The Princess of Envy
A sharp and painful wail arises behind Princess Luna. The princess comes to a halt at the noise, peering at its point of origin with only her peripherals. To Princess Luna's rear, beyond the corner into the next hallway, a cloud of darkness develops. A soft black mist emerges from the hall, pouring into the surrounding areas. As Luna's eyes focus in its direction, she begins to quietly show signs of weakness. Her motionless posture breaks as she closes her eyes. Slowly, she gives a deep breath through her nostrils.
Princess Luna slowly spins around to face the darkness. Her hooves clack against the stone floor of the castle, and with every sound her hooves create, she retires for a quick beat to peer at her surroundings. She advances once more after each shortening interval, but only at a snail's pace. Softly and cautiously she creeps until eventually arriving at the edge of the hall's darkness.
She becomes visibly unsure, an eyebrow raises as she looks into the horizontal pit. Her gaze was unmet, absolutely nothing resides inside the massively dark hallway, yet it held the presence as if something was actually there. Princess Luna slowly raises her hooves once more, but she stomps them after hearing yet another sharp outcry. The second powerful wail erupts from behind her. Only now, it had sounded like a pony. The princess darts away from the darkness, surpassing one corridor after the next until eventually arriving at its source. The door swings open and closes behind the curious Princess Luna, looking wide-eyed around the room for the source.
The princess held her position. Not long after, though, she begins once again to hear the cry. Now much less powerful, Luna still, however, tenses at the sound. The cry now took the shape of a filly's. Princess Luna glances to the bed, spotting a lump that was created under the bedsheets. Her hooves begin a new, but stop mid-way for a brief pause. Luna gives in and approaches the foreign object. Without warning, she yanks the bedsheet.
There was nothing. Luna glanced around herself, her surroundings had changed. She was surrounded by a sea of blank white.
Luna dropped the blanket. She motioned once again with a backpedal. She turned, and in the distance, she saw a white coated figure.
Luna approached them. They sat on the floor as they wailed, possessing the same filly like voice as the lump from under the sheets.
"'Tia," Luna began in a soft murmur.
"Why art thou' crying?"
They continued to weep.
"'Tia, ignore my presence if you must, but please do understand that I love you, and that I do not wish for any harm to come to thou'."
Luna's presence continued to be disregarded.
"Does thou' love me too, 'Tia?"
"Luna... my sister..."
The figure stopped wailing and they had risen.
"Yes, 'Tia?"
"Luna..."
"Luna!"
Princess Luna's eyes shot open, she had arisen from her dream. Princess Celestia stood above her bed, the hoof laid upon her sister finally stops shaking once its owner realizes. A pang of relief hits Celestia's heart, and her expression becomes as calm as usual.
"What's the matter, sister?"
"Luna, were you having terrors in your sleep? I had heard screaming from outside your chambers and I came in to investigate."
Luna knew that she could endure the sleep terrors, so instead of worrying her sister, she retreats back to her normal self. “Yes, everything is fine, ‘Tia. You are just overly-worried, is all.”
Princess Celestia began to grin at her sister’s light scolding and began to withdrawal from her bed. “Well, if you don’t have any trouble, I will be off then.”
Luna calls out to Celestia before she fully departs, The sister of white turns once more back into the room to face Luna.
“‘Tia, you love me, don’t you?”
Celestia’s grin turns into a fully featured smile. “Always and forever, my dear sister,” Celestia says. With that, she departs.
Luna raises herself off from her bed. She notices the cold sweat that she has developed in her slumber. It was normal with the number of other dream terrors she's been receiving as of recently. She steps onto the cold stone castle flooring as she levitates a towel toward her figure. She wipes off her sweat and follows it with a drink from the glass on her nightstand. Now fully awake, Princess Luna departs her bedroom.
Princess Luna slowly spins around to face the darkness. Her hooves clack against the stone floor of the castle, and with every sound her hooves create, she retires for a quick beat to peer at her surroundings. She advances once more after each shortening interval, but only at a snail's pace. Softly and cautiously she creeps until eventually arriving at the edge of the hall's darkness.
She becomes visibly unsure, an eyebrow raises as she looks into the horizontal pit. Her gaze was unmet, absolutely nothing resides inside the massively dark hallway, yet it held the presence as if something was actually there. Princess Luna slowly raises her hooves once more, but she stomps them after hearing yet another sharp outcry. The second powerful wail erupts from behind her. Only now, it had sounded like a pony. The princess darts away from the darkness, surpassing one corridor after the next until eventually arriving at its source. The door swings open and closes behind the curious Princess Luna, looking wide-eyed around the room for the source.
The princess held her position. Not long after, though, she begins once again to hear the cry. Now much less powerful, Luna still, however, tenses at the sound. The cry now took the shape of a filly's. Princess Luna glances to the bed, spotting a lump that was created under the bedsheets. Her hooves begin a new, but stop mid-way for a brief pause. Luna gives in and approaches the foreign object. Without warning, she yanks the bedsheet.
There was nothing. Luna glanced around herself, her surroundings had changed. She was surrounded by a sea of blank white.
Luna dropped the blanket. She motioned once again with a backpedal. She turned, and in the distance, she saw a white coated figure.
Luna approached them. They sat on the floor as they wailed, possessing the same filly like voice as the lump from under the sheets.
"'Tia," Luna began in a soft murmur.
"Why art thou' crying?"
They continued to weep.
"'Tia, ignore my presence if you must, but please do understand that I love you, and that I do not wish for any harm to come to thou'."
Luna's presence continued to be disregarded.
"Does thou' love me too, 'Tia?"
"Luna... my sister..."
The figure stopped wailing and they had risen.
"Yes, 'Tia?"
"Luna..."
"Luna!"
Princess Luna's eyes shot open, she had arisen from her dream. Princess Celestia stood above her bed, the hoof laid upon her sister finally stops shaking once its owner realizes. A pang of relief hits Celestia's heart, and her expression becomes as calm as usual.
"What's the matter, sister?"
"Luna, were you having terrors in your sleep? I had heard screaming from outside your chambers and I came in to investigate."
Luna knew that she could endure the sleep terrors, so instead of worrying her sister, she retreats back to her normal self. “Yes, everything is fine, ‘Tia. You are just overly-worried, is all.”
Princess Celestia began to grin at her sister’s light scolding and began to withdrawal from her bed. “Well, if you don’t have any trouble, I will be off then.”
Luna calls out to Celestia before she fully departs, The sister of white turns once more back into the room to face Luna.
“‘Tia, you love me, don’t you?”
Celestia’s grin turns into a fully featured smile. “Always and forever, my dear sister,” Celestia says. With that, she departs.
Luna raises herself off from her bed. She notices the cold sweat that she has developed in her slumber. It was normal with the number of other dream terrors she's been receiving as of recently. She steps onto the cold stone castle flooring as she levitates a towel toward her figure. She wipes off her sweat and follows it with a drink from the glass on her nightstand. Now fully awake, Princess Luna departs her bedroom.
Okay, wow. This prose is more purple than Twilight stomping red grapes in an amethyst tub. You really need to pull back on the excessive adverbs, bizarre word choices, and awkward phrasing. Also, “thou” doesn’t have an apostrophe. The odd choice of present tense doesn’t help any, especially not in the places where it isn’t used. Once this has been toned down and cleaned up, you’ll have an interesting psychological thriller started, but it really needs that cleanup.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I agree with this; the prose is dense and hard to follow, particularly in the beginning, and it seems somewhat stilted. The second scene is better, and I like the interaction between Luna and Celestia, but I feel like it could use a tad of the descriptiveness of the first part, just to kind of set the scene. More descriptive language. And yeah, I'd probably just cut the present tense altogether, especially considering you're not sticking to it.
I agree with this; the prose is dense and hard to follow, particularly in the beginning, and it seems somewhat stilted. The second scene is better, and I like the interaction between Luna and Celestia, but I feel like it could use a tad of the descriptiveness of the first part, just to kind of set the scene. More descriptive language. And yeah, I'd probably just cut the present tense altogether, especially considering you're not sticking to it.
I agree with the others. There are issues with inconsistent conjugation, too terse descriptions in one part and too overloaded descriptions elsewhere. I also think that in the last part we would benefit of not having us told directly what Luna thinks. An edit should fix almost everything.
Now, with the problems out of the way, onwards to the positive parts. The concept, while not overly original, is quite interesting as the doubts and fears Luna manifests are in line with the few things we know about here. The story could be either set before she fell or after her return, and it would make sense in either cases. What would change would be the framework we use to interprete the story. Is it the beginning of the fall or the lingering after-effects? A clue on when to place it would be nice.
Imperfect story with a solid core.
Now, with the problems out of the way, onwards to the positive parts. The concept, while not overly original, is quite interesting as the doubts and fears Luna manifests are in line with the few things we know about here. The story could be either set before she fell or after her return, and it would make sense in either cases. What would change would be the framework we use to interprete the story. Is it the beginning of the fall or the lingering after-effects? A clue on when to place it would be nice.
Imperfect story with a solid core.
Third-person present tense is a fairly nonstandard choice for storytelling, as far as I know. The immediacy of present tense can work well in a story like this, boosting the dreamlikeness of what's happening, but it does tend to read a bit odd to some people, so be aware of that.
Also, be consistent with it. Once or twice here you slip into past tense, and that's just no good.
Also, be consistent with it. Once or twice here you slip into past tense, and that's just no good.
The third person present tense doesn't really work here. At least not for me. Are there places where it can work? Sure, I guess. But I'm hard pressed to think of any. For me, it just messed up my immersion in the story.
I also have to agree with FOME. The prose is a tad purple. The bit with the 'horizontal pit' in particular struck me as a metaphorical bridge too far.
I'm afraid that, for me, the tense and language usage rather overshadowed the actual plot of the story, to it's detriment.
I also have to agree with FOME. The prose is a tad purple. The bit with the 'horizontal pit' in particular struck me as a metaphorical bridge too far.
I'm afraid that, for me, the tense and language usage rather overshadowed the actual plot of the story, to it's detriment.