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The more things change...
“Haha, success. The Great and Powerful Trixie has stolen your body, Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight's body cackled, too caught up in the moment to notice the exposition. “And with you trapped in Trixie's incredibly attractive form, you will suffer for the crimes she has commi- the misunderstandings she has had, while I get to enjoy everything that comes with being a princ-” She stopped. Trixie-in-Twilight had tried to spread her new wings at that point to tower over her previous form. Only to feel no response. Or anything there at all.
“Huh.” Trixie's body said, looking at her new wings. “I guess these are more tied into my magic than my body, which is tied to my essence... which is what you transferred.” She finished, smiling with the satisfaction of an explanation found.
Twilight's body opened and closed its mouth silently a few times,dumbfounded and looking more like a goldfish than she'd have liked.
She shook her new head and continued, trying to keep her momentum. “Well, I still have access to the power you had as a unicorn...”
“Er... no, that's not how it works.” Trixie's body corrected with the innocent tone of a tutor trying to teach a particularly dimwitted pupil. “Even if you have access to my body's mana-generation, that takes time to build up and until it does, you'll only have the mana you came into that body with. Which, considering how much you spent on that body-switching spell, probably isn't much.”
Trixie-in-Twilight was about to retort (with what, she didn't know, but she was definitely going to have one heck of a comeback) when she heard the door behind her open. Whipping her head around, she saw... Spines? Spade? Spyro? Whatever, she saw Twilight's dragon enter the room, barely looking up at the confrontation.
Twilight's body smiled wickedly and turned back to her opponent.
“Well,” she whispered, “there's one thing of yours I know I have.” She took a deep breath. “Dragon-slave! The Great and Powerful and Astonishingly Beautiful Trixie has stolen my wings!”
The dragon gave her a look so flat it could give her a paper cut.
“Did she now, Trixie?”
“Yes, yes she did!” Trixie-in-Twilight replied, not even noticing her slip-up. “Clearly, the only way to get them back from someone who deserves them so much is through fire!” She continued, her eye twitching. “So do that! Do the fire!”
The dragon paused, took a deep breath... and let out a truly monumental sigh. He didn't respond to “Twilight”'s demand, just turning and walking away.
“What are you doing?!” Twilight's body screeched. “Don't you walk away from me! I demand you burn that sexy body!”
“Maybe later.” The dragon replied. “It's too early in the morning for this.”
Trixie screamed through Twilight's mouth and gathered energy in her horn. Even in the short time since she'd usurped Twilight's form, she felt it generate a substantial amount of mana. She felt the energy that she had totally felt all the time before in fact it was probably much less that she was used to shut up! She channelled this mystic power into the mightiest binding spell she knew and released it at the dragon.
It worked better than she could have hoped – the rope materialized and tied itself around the dragon with astonishing speed.
Spike paused, gave the rope one quick slash with his little claw and kept walking.
“grrrrRRRRRRAAAAARGH! Come back here, you...” Trixie tried chase after him only to find Twilight's feet stuck to the floor. She turned back to her old body to see it gathering energy for a spell of her own. One Trixie recognised as one designed to switch bodies.
Trixie laughed – all she needed was to use a counterspell like... er...
Well, she could just put up her defences. After all, she'd had to wait until Twilight was asleep to cast the spell herself, so she could just...
Put up defences that couldn't stop a tenth of the power she could feel.
Twilight-in-Trixie sighed. “Trixie, just because you have something doesn't mean you know how to use it.”
Trixie collapsed, barely noticing as the spell overtook her.
“Huh.” Trixie's body said, looking at her new wings. “I guess these are more tied into my magic than my body, which is tied to my essence... which is what you transferred.” She finished, smiling with the satisfaction of an explanation found.
Twilight's body opened and closed its mouth silently a few times,dumbfounded and looking more like a goldfish than she'd have liked.
She shook her new head and continued, trying to keep her momentum. “Well, I still have access to the power you had as a unicorn...”
“Er... no, that's not how it works.” Trixie's body corrected with the innocent tone of a tutor trying to teach a particularly dimwitted pupil. “Even if you have access to my body's mana-generation, that takes time to build up and until it does, you'll only have the mana you came into that body with. Which, considering how much you spent on that body-switching spell, probably isn't much.”
Trixie-in-Twilight was about to retort (with what, she didn't know, but she was definitely going to have one heck of a comeback) when she heard the door behind her open. Whipping her head around, she saw... Spines? Spade? Spyro? Whatever, she saw Twilight's dragon enter the room, barely looking up at the confrontation.
Twilight's body smiled wickedly and turned back to her opponent.
“Well,” she whispered, “there's one thing of yours I know I have.” She took a deep breath. “Dragon-slave! The Great and Powerful and Astonishingly Beautiful Trixie has stolen my wings!”
The dragon gave her a look so flat it could give her a paper cut.
“Did she now, Trixie?”
“Yes, yes she did!” Trixie-in-Twilight replied, not even noticing her slip-up. “Clearly, the only way to get them back from someone who deserves them so much is through fire!” She continued, her eye twitching. “So do that! Do the fire!”
The dragon paused, took a deep breath... and let out a truly monumental sigh. He didn't respond to “Twilight”'s demand, just turning and walking away.
“What are you doing?!” Twilight's body screeched. “Don't you walk away from me! I demand you burn that sexy body!”
“Maybe later.” The dragon replied. “It's too early in the morning for this.”
Trixie screamed through Twilight's mouth and gathered energy in her horn. Even in the short time since she'd usurped Twilight's form, she felt it generate a substantial amount of mana. She felt the energy that she had totally felt all the time before in fact it was probably much less that she was used to shut up! She channelled this mystic power into the mightiest binding spell she knew and released it at the dragon.
It worked better than she could have hoped – the rope materialized and tied itself around the dragon with astonishing speed.
Spike paused, gave the rope one quick slash with his little claw and kept walking.
“grrrrRRRRRRAAAAARGH! Come back here, you...” Trixie tried chase after him only to find Twilight's feet stuck to the floor. She turned back to her old body to see it gathering energy for a spell of her own. One Trixie recognised as one designed to switch bodies.
Trixie laughed – all she needed was to use a counterspell like... er...
Well, she could just put up her defences. After all, she'd had to wait until Twilight was asleep to cast the spell herself, so she could just...
Put up defences that couldn't stop a tenth of the power she could feel.
Twilight-in-Trixie sighed. “Trixie, just because you have something doesn't mean you know how to use it.”
Trixie collapsed, barely noticing as the spell overtook her.
This is quite funny. Seeing Trixie being absolutely inept at literally everything was great. The characters' voices were on point, too.
Unfortunately, minor technical and stylistic issues hold it back. Things like incorrect dialogue punctuation and inappropriate ellipses I'm not going to rag on too heavily, but they're still problems. Probably the most risible style issue is:
It'd be funnier if you didn't point out the joke.
Polish this up and you'll have a real winner! :D
Unfortunately, minor technical and stylistic issues hold it back. Things like incorrect dialogue punctuation and inappropriate ellipses I'm not going to rag on too heavily, but they're still problems. Probably the most risible style issue is:
“Yes, yes she did!” Trixie-in-Twilight replied, not even noticing her slip-up.
It'd be funnier if you didn't point out the joke.
Polish this up and you'll have a real winner! :D
The concept is amusing. I can see the jokes. And technically, I concede, the jokes are funny, but... mmm. I don't know. I'm sorry this isn't going to be the most helpful review, but I don't know how to phrase my criticism beyond: "I didn't laugh." Maybe it's because the jokes are a little too on-point, or maybe it's a matter of personal taste, but the humor here just didn't click for me.
SCORE-O-METER: 7.5/10
SCORE-O-METER: 7.5/10
The last line says "drama" and the rest says "comedy". You need to come up with a different ending line, preferably Trixie saying something legitimately funny before she goes under.
You'll have to think it up, though.
You'll have to think it up, though.
I don't have the best track record with humor in the Writeoffs, so take this with a grain of salt.
There were definitely a couple of lines that earned a chuckle from me, but as a whole, this didn't quite come together. I think it's mostly because the humor here focuses exclusively on exaggerating Trixie's personality flaws. I mean, that's a great place to start with any comedy, and I think the "Burn that sexy body!" line was splendid. But without any real counterbalances to this sort of character deconstruction, the tone of the jokes get a bit monotonous.
Spike and Twilight feel a bit underutilized. Twilight doesn't really say anything of significance, outside of two short but somewhat tone-breaking infodumps near the beginning. And Spike is just kinda there to be another opportunity for Trixie to screw up. Both of these characters are only present to allow Trixie to be incompetent rather than playing off this incompetence with wit of their own.
Let your supporting characters get in on the fun. They don't have to all be clowns like Trixie, but they do have to add something to the mix, or else the story comes off like a one-pony show.
There were definitely a couple of lines that earned a chuckle from me, but as a whole, this didn't quite come together. I think it's mostly because the humor here focuses exclusively on exaggerating Trixie's personality flaws. I mean, that's a great place to start with any comedy, and I think the "Burn that sexy body!" line was splendid. But without any real counterbalances to this sort of character deconstruction, the tone of the jokes get a bit monotonous.
Spike and Twilight feel a bit underutilized. Twilight doesn't really say anything of significance, outside of two short but somewhat tone-breaking infodumps near the beginning. And Spike is just kinda there to be another opportunity for Trixie to screw up. Both of these characters are only present to allow Trixie to be incompetent rather than playing off this incompetence with wit of their own.
Let your supporting characters get in on the fun. They don't have to all be clowns like Trixie, but they do have to add something to the mix, or else the story comes off like a one-pony show.
If you’re self-conscious about exposition, don’t point out that it’s exposition. You’ll just draw everyone else’s attention to it. Similarly, when you try to hang lampshades on jokes, it just comes across as desperate. “Hey guys! Look at the funny thing. Laugh at the fact that it is funny. Please.” Have faith in the joke’s ability to deliver humor on its own. That trust will be rewarded.
As for the story itself, Trixie’s flailing is fairly amusing, but you might want to grant her a little more dignity, at least at first. A study in contrasts can be all the funnier, especially if you open before she casts the spell, dreaming of her inevitable triumph and all that will come with it.
Definite room for improvement here, and I hope you try to fill it.
As for the story itself, Trixie’s flailing is fairly amusing, but you might want to grant her a little more dignity, at least at first. A study in contrasts can be all the funnier, especially if you open before she casts the spell, dreaming of her inevitable triumph and all that will come with it.
Definite room for improvement here, and I hope you try to fill it.
I found your story in a song, but unfortunately I can't embed Youtube videos here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRG5B_umo6U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRG5B_umo6U
I feel like this tipped it's hand too hard in the title and in the opening remarks. If you settle the ending too hard too fast, it robs the story of tension, which is a shame. Some of the jokes were funny, and you turned a nice phrase or two: "Flat enough to give a papercut" made me smile. If it was a little less front-heavy and had a round of polish on it for some of the awkward constructions, this would be pretty great. As it is, it's still pretty good.
It's an amusing idea, and not badly written. Twilight did seem a bit passive, though I think you were trying to have her some across as unconcerned. Which is a fine idea. I'm really not quite sure how to cross the line from passive to exasperated however...
On the other hand, I loved Trixie and Spike's interactions. Snarky Deadpan Spike is best Spike!
All in all not bad, though it could use a bit of work .
On the other hand, I loved Trixie and Spike's interactions. Snarky Deadpan Spike is best Spike!
All in all not bad, though it could use a bit of work .