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Well, thank you very much all of you for your comments! It may be a silly thing but this is my first story ever publicly published in english, so I’m happy as hell just with having feedback and knowing that some people had fun with it. I’m gonna try to take your suggestions in consideration and edit this story so I can also have my first FiMFiction story published. :D
I have to say that I couldn’t have done it without the huge help of Pascoite who endured proofreading my first draft with it’s multiple punctuation and grammar mistakes.
Funny thing; I left the title for last moment, (I won’t repeat that mistake) and for that I didn’t notice that I had made a mistake with it, it was supposed to be “One alicorn too much” *facepalm*
Now, answering the comments:
>>Trick_Question I will take this to heart! Apart of editing the caps-locks trying to make the humour more balanced will be my main objective.
>>FanOfMostEverything I’m gonna take this in consideration, especially since other people seems to agree with this, though I don’t know exactly what to do with it.
To be honest, I didn’t thought that the story needed more after the punchline. I did thought that the story may have need more in the middle, but I don’t know if it’s important what happens after the punchline. The plot simplified is this: the nobleponies are scared of alicorns powers so they try to ban them, the princesses go to the nobleponies to try to calm and assure them that there is nothing to fear; then they fail because the event coincides with Cadence ascension and the consequently sudden appearance of a new alicorn: chaos happens. I think that the story has a resolution: the failure of the princesses.
Evidently, though, I do need to edit this to make that resolution more evident or the story more aligned with it, or otherwise people wouldn’t be commenting about the sudden ending.
>>CoffeeMinion. I had some problems with the chancellor's name. I knew the original was Smart Cookie, (and the chancellor was Puddinghead), I wanted to give him a name similar to that so people could notice that the story happened a while ago, but not the same because I didn’t think it was so long ago. Maybe I just kept him nameless and put another hint for the time.
Through, now that I think about, if Luna it’s there, that means that Cadence has to be more than a 1000 years long, I’ve read stories with that headcanon so I don’t have a problem with that.
>>Orbiting_kettle Apart from what already answered to the others, I will see what I can do with the beginning.
>>horizon Well, besides being a “corporal”, it’s directly say that she is a pegasus;
That was the tricky part, I wanted to do certain subtle foreshadowing that leaded to Cadance ascension later but without being too noticeable so people didn’t immediately realized that Cadence would play an important paper. I don’t know if I can do much with that part.
I did though that the ascension part was a little confusing, but I couldn’t make it more clear with the time given, that indeed was my failure.
Thoug, I did re-watch Twilight ascension: Twilight disappears inside the library and then appears outside; she becomes an alicorn after appearing outside the library (not in the other plane) and she is confused (she discover in that moment that she had become an alicorn). Then the sequence about the floating pink cutie-mark was copied exactly from Twilight ascension.
The only thing different from the Twi experience is that she appeared a short distance from it’s original point, and Cadance did a long distance, but I thought that all the other similarities would be enough that people could figure that a so rare magic event didn’t have to be exactly the same
This was incredible fun for me to write, and I’m really happy that some of you found funny enough, it was my greater motive; thank you very much everyone!.
PD: I also now know that you don't have to publish a story as "anonymous", what a shame.
I have to say that I couldn’t have done it without the huge help of Pascoite who endured proofreading my first draft with it’s multiple punctuation and grammar mistakes.
Funny thing; I left the title for last moment, (I won’t repeat that mistake) and for that I didn’t notice that I had made a mistake with it, it was supposed to be “One alicorn too much” *facepalm*
Now, answering the comments:
>>Trick_Question I will take this to heart! Apart of editing the caps-locks trying to make the humour more balanced will be my main objective.
>>FanOfMostEverything I’m gonna take this in consideration, especially since other people seems to agree with this, though I don’t know exactly what to do with it.
To be honest, I didn’t thought that the story needed more after the punchline. I did thought that the story may have need more in the middle, but I don’t know if it’s important what happens after the punchline. The plot simplified is this: the nobleponies are scared of alicorns powers so they try to ban them, the princesses go to the nobleponies to try to calm and assure them that there is nothing to fear; then they fail because the event coincides with Cadence ascension and the consequently sudden appearance of a new alicorn: chaos happens. I think that the story has a resolution: the failure of the princesses.
Evidently, though, I do need to edit this to make that resolution more evident or the story more aligned with it, or otherwise people wouldn’t be commenting about the sudden ending.
>>CoffeeMinion. I had some problems with the chancellor's name. I knew the original was Smart Cookie, (and the chancellor was Puddinghead), I wanted to give him a name similar to that so people could notice that the story happened a while ago, but not the same because I didn’t think it was so long ago. Maybe I just kept him nameless and put another hint for the time.
Through, now that I think about, if Luna it’s there, that means that Cadence has to be more than a 1000 years long, I’ve read stories with that headcanon so I don’t have a problem with that.
>>Orbiting_kettle Apart from what already answered to the others, I will see what I can do with the beginning.
>>horizon Well, besides being a “corporal”, it’s directly say that she is a pegasus;
Where is your other captain, the pegasus mare?
That was the tricky part, I wanted to do certain subtle foreshadowing that leaded to Cadance ascension later but without being too noticeable so people didn’t immediately realized that Cadence would play an important paper. I don’t know if I can do much with that part.
I did though that the ascension part was a little confusing, but I couldn’t make it more clear with the time given, that indeed was my failure.
Thoug, I did re-watch Twilight ascension: Twilight disappears inside the library and then appears outside; she becomes an alicorn after appearing outside the library (not in the other plane) and she is confused (she discover in that moment that she had become an alicorn). Then the sequence about the floating pink cutie-mark was copied exactly from Twilight ascension.
The only thing different from the Twi experience is that she appeared a short distance from it’s original point, and Cadance did a long distance, but I thought that all the other similarities would be enough that people could figure that a so rare magic event didn’t have to be exactly the same
This was incredible fun for me to write, and I’m really happy that some of you found funny enough, it was my greater motive; thank you very much everyone!.
PD: I also now know that you don't have to publish a story as "anonymous", what a shame.
>>ChappedPenguinLips
I understand that he trhow up though because, the "parchment" where the messages were wrote, were in fact made of animal flesh: though I'm not sure if from Celestia itself of other animal, neither why.
I understand that he trhow up though because, the "parchment" where the messages were wrote, were in fact made of animal flesh: though I'm not sure if from Celestia itself of other animal, neither why.
The material is heavy, and appears to have survived a fire,"
Never before have I seen paper of this quality. It must be an ancient form of parchment,
Princess Luna flipped both pieces of parchment over and gasped,
Resting gently on the table lay two patches of cooked hide, an unmistakeable royal sun emblazoned upon each one.
>>Crimmar
It makes sense. I thought it was Celestia's skin, I just didn't make the conecction between cutie marks and magics.
It makes sense. I thought it was Celestia's skin, I just didn't make the conecction between cutie marks and magics.
>>Crimmar
I was all like "nah, that's not gonna happen to me". Then I'm at 750 words and I've only 2/3 of the fic written. Ouch.
I was all like "nah, that's not gonna happen to me". Then I'm at 750 words and I've only 2/3 of the fic written. Ouch.
>>Trick_Question
Hmm, I can't exactly see what you are seeing. If it was the case you mention, I would say that despite betraying her kind, Luna still feels guilty enough to try to protect Celestia, but I hardly think that's the case; In my opinion it was clear that Luna wasn't used simply or only as a translator but rather as an advissor or even a diplomat, prescisely because she was a princess.
It would be hardly unheard, conqueror armies in history will usually do something like this.
Look at this:
I doesn't seem to me that Luna is protecting Celestia but rather than Luna knows that it's strategically not good to ask for her summision, and that the humans are taking her advice in consideration. Still, the story shows that she is doing this with disgust, she hate the general and the situation, but some kind of decision made her choise it's side. The reasons of that decision (maybe she though that less lives could be lost surrending to the humans rather than fighting?) it's left implied, but I think that's a good choice. It's not really important, the escence of the tragedy it's the decision itself.
It made me remember a lot to the classic and tragic story of La Malinch, the aztec noble woman that was the personal interpreter and adviser of Cortez in his conquest of the Aztec empire and was later seen as the encarnation of betrayal.
This was also one of my favourites (if not the best) stories I've read so far.
Hmm, I can't exactly see what you are seeing. If it was the case you mention, I would say that despite betraying her kind, Luna still feels guilty enough to try to protect Celestia, but I hardly think that's the case; In my opinion it was clear that Luna wasn't used simply or only as a translator but rather as an advissor or even a diplomat, prescisely because she was a princess.
It would be hardly unheard, conqueror armies in history will usually do something like this.
Look at this:
I obeyed, knowing full well it was posturing. There was no way he could achieve that, even with the quarter million additional troops scheduled to arrive in Equestria next month.
"That is their offer," I translated. "To them the Princess is the equivalent of life itself. Take that away and they might as well fight to the death."
"Home Office was impressed," the suit whispered in my ear. "A bright political future awaits you back home. Good work, Luna."
I doesn't seem to me that Luna is protecting Celestia but rather than Luna knows that it's strategically not good to ask for her summision, and that the humans are taking her advice in consideration. Still, the story shows that she is doing this with disgust, she hate the general and the situation, but some kind of decision made her choise it's side. The reasons of that decision (maybe she though that less lives could be lost surrending to the humans rather than fighting?) it's left implied, but I think that's a good choice. It's not really important, the escence of the tragedy it's the decision itself.
It made me remember a lot to the classic and tragic story of La Malinch, the aztec noble woman that was the personal interpreter and adviser of Cortez in his conquest of the Aztec empire and was later seen as the encarnation of betrayal.
This was also one of my favourites (if not the best) stories I've read so far.