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Awww.
This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
So warm and fuzzy I was about to forget it never actually addressed the prompt :-<
I guess I'll put it as the lowest ranked of the highest ranked stories :-/
This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
So warm and fuzzy I was about to forget it never actually addressed the prompt :-<
I guess I'll put it as the lowest ranked of the highest ranked stories :-/
AH!
Good for a quick laugh, I guess.
Although now I'm really interested in a sequel where Sunset tries to map out how this massive divergence happened, possibly realizing that immortality is even more of a game changer than she thought.
Good for a quick laugh, I guess.
Although now I'm really interested in a sequel where Sunset tries to map out how this massive divergence happened, possibly realizing that immortality is even more of a game changer than she thought.
This is the second time I've seen a snippet not contain the prompt at all; is that a common thing now in the writeoff group?
I just got back from a long while of not checking the group out :-/
I just got back from a long while of not checking the group out :-/
I don't know, this story just didn't click for me.
I mean, it's just...there.
Twilight hasn't really learned anything, Celestia doesn't exactly have any good thoughts to offer...I mean, this can be read as a simple comment on the state of things which will be forgotten in half an hour :-/
I mean, it's just...there.
Twilight hasn't really learned anything, Celestia doesn't exactly have any good thoughts to offer...I mean, this can be read as a simple comment on the state of things which will be forgotten in half an hour :-/
The beginning of this story confused me, not so much because of filly L/C but grammar and usage:
I had to read this three times to try to get what was meant. I’d rephrase it to something like “She kept her gaze fixed on the filly sitting on the throne.”
Show, don’t tell. And a stairwell is not really a set of stairs, but a shaft or slanted space into which the stairs are built. My first impression was that Celestia left the throneroom and went downstairs to another room, which made the ensuing conversation surreal, to say the least. Author, if you mean that she descended from the dais that supports the throne, you should say that.
I confess that I didn’t get very far on my first reading attempt because of these issues. Pushing past them, I find that this is a cute story that needs some TLC.
Her sights kept on the filly deposited on the throne.
I had to read this three times to try to get what was meant. I’d rephrase it to something like “She kept her gaze fixed on the filly sitting on the throne.”
Looking ready to scold Luna, the princess trotted down the stairwell, grimacing.
Show, don’t tell. And a stairwell is not really a set of stairs, but a shaft or slanted space into which the stairs are built. My first impression was that Celestia left the throneroom and went downstairs to another room, which made the ensuing conversation surreal, to say the least. Author, if you mean that she descended from the dais that supports the throne, you should say that.
I confess that I didn’t get very far on my first reading attempt because of these issues. Pushing past them, I find that this is a cute story that needs some TLC.
His vocabulary marginally more limited than mine, so I don’t think there will be any problems communicating.
If she can manage “I” and “the”, she should be able to do “is” and “with”. Her elision of pronouns and articles should be consistent.
Other than that, I like this story, but I also can’t see the connection to the prompt.
“I hear you were abdicating the Throne, Princess Twilight,” Celestia said.
Tenses should match. Either “I hear you are” or “I heard you were”.
Twilight says they just have a moment for a diversion, but then takes a few minutes to talk to Celestia. This sounds weird after talking about the importance of the schedule. I think she should make more of an acknowledgement that she’s changed her mind: “Actually, I’m going to take a few minutes; we can make it up later…” I think we should also see more of a immediate reaction from the couple to Celestia’s sudden appearance, even if it’s just to tell us they’re frozen in place.
Other than that, well done.
I also found the story cringey. Twilight has to be constantly dribbling [on] the idiot ball for this to work. Presented as Blueblood daydreaming, perhaps...
The idea of Party Jail alone justifies the story. I want to see a story about that now!
I have little to add to FoME’s comments, and I agree that this is a good SoL tale.
Do I sense a transequinism fic in the making? (“Don’t you see? If everyone was an alicorn, all the undertakers would go out of business!”)
This story fragment presents ideas but doesn’t do much with them. As others have suggested, it should be wrapped in a longer fic.
This story fragment presents ideas but doesn’t do much with them. As others have suggested, it should be wrapped in a longer fic.
There'll soon be a:
Strongly worded letter on its way to the Equestrian Better Business Bureau, I should hope!
Fun, but I'll echo >>FanOfMostEverything with the recommendation that you take this even further, author. Make sure we know that this is a secret underground bunker Gilda has constructed after months of painstaking effort just to house her collection. Let us feel the sweat trickling between her feathers as she walks through the streets, and let her howl of anguish rend the very heavens themselves at the end. Because my motto for silly stories is: it can always be sillier.
Mike
Strongly worded letter on its way to the Equestrian Better Business Bureau, I should hope!
Fun, but I'll echo >>FanOfMostEverything with the recommendation that you take this even further, author. Make sure we know that this is a secret underground bunker Gilda has constructed after months of painstaking effort just to house her collection. Let us feel the sweat trickling between her feathers as she walks through the streets, and let her howl of anguish rend the very heavens themselves at the end. Because my motto for silly stories is: it can always be sillier.
Mike
>>FanOfMostEverything What mystery of season 3?
Anyway, I liked this story a lot. Nitpick: “Now, pick it up with your magic.” I'd like him to have said “Now, pick up the blood," because I expected her to pick up the bowl, and when she picked up just the blood, I thought she was being weird.
Oh, and I'd like her to get a few drops of blood on her. On her hooves, maybe. Or in her eye. Gotta be something you can do with that.
Anyway, I liked this story a lot. Nitpick: “Now, pick it up with your magic.” I'd like him to have said “Now, pick up the blood," because I expected her to pick up the bowl, and when she picked up just the blood, I thought she was being weird.
Oh, and I'd like her to get a few drops of blood on her. On her hooves, maybe. Or in her eye. Gotta be something you can do with that.
Unfortunately this didn't do the trick for me. At first I thought it had some good potential to be a speech some crazy zealot was giving to a crowd amassed on the street or something, but the revelation at the end that it was some sort of letter confused me. Who was it written to, really?
That's to say nothing of the content of the letter itself. As others have pointed out, this story only rehashes well-trodden territory and doesn't bring much new or exciting to the table. On top of that, the word choice wasn't especially strong for something meant to be an intense verbal lambasting of the diarchy, and there were a few mechanical mistakes that pulled me out of it even further.
In a different context, and perhaps with a stronger voice, this has the potential to be an interesting part of a longer story. As it is right now, it simply fell flat for me.
That's to say nothing of the content of the letter itself. As others have pointed out, this story only rehashes well-trodden territory and doesn't bring much new or exciting to the table. On top of that, the word choice wasn't especially strong for something meant to be an intense verbal lambasting of the diarchy, and there were a few mechanical mistakes that pulled me out of it even further.
In a different context, and perhaps with a stronger voice, this has the potential to be an interesting part of a longer story. As it is right now, it simply fell flat for me.
Not much I can say about this one that hasn't already been said, unfortunately. It's intriguing, to be sure, and it's certainly a concept worth exploring, but I'd rather it be explored in a longer piece—or at the very least have more words dedicated to Celestia's part in it. Cutting the first bit above the scene break wouldn't have mattered much at all, and likely would've helped the story as it had a tonal disconnect from the rest of the story and its removal would allow more emphasis to be placed on the real meat of the story.
All that said, I still enjoyed this as a thoughtful look into Celestia's mind and character. Not sure how to interpret the portrait on the shelf (I presumed it to be Celestia and Luna's mother, but I can't be sure without more information), but that didn't necessarily stymie my enjoyment of the story either. Certainly not the worst story, but it could use some work and a bigger space to work with.
All that said, I still enjoyed this as a thoughtful look into Celestia's mind and character. Not sure how to interpret the portrait on the shelf (I presumed it to be Celestia and Luna's mother, but I can't be sure without more information), but that didn't necessarily stymie my enjoyment of the story either. Certainly not the worst story, but it could use some work and a bigger space to work with.
I liked the first abrupt scene change (tho scene 2 also has an abrupt tense change), but not the other abrupt changes.
Who spoke the final line? It's important. It's also important to know whether Blueblood was deliberately stalling or not.
The ending is gonna lack oomph even if you clear that up. I don't have any better ideas for it, though.
Who spoke the final line? It's important. It's also important to know whether Blueblood was deliberately stalling or not.
The ending is gonna lack oomph even if you clear that up. I don't have any better ideas for it, though.
There's a good idea in here, but it isn't a story yet.
I'd have liked it better if it were a re-telling of Episode #1 in which Twilight took Celestia's order to "make some friends" too literally.
I'd have liked it better if it were a re-telling of Episode #1 in which Twilight took Celestia's order to "make some friends" too literally.
>>Not_A_Hat I read it as Chryssy & NMM being responsible for Tirek's escape, and the invasion of Canterlot Wedding a result.
It's cute, and the last line is funny. I agree I'd like the point in MLP chronology established earlier.
It's cute, and the last line is funny. I agree I'd like the point in MLP chronology established earlier.
I have to parrot GaPJaxie here in that I thought this piece was setting up some kind of unexpected reveal, but this ended up being exactly what it says on the tin. And to be honest, this is something I've read before. Personally, I've never really liked the whole anti-Princess subject matter (since the Princesses are honestly the most interesting parts of the show to me), so while a couple of these points Silver Tongue brings up at least sound pretty solid, I'm still having trouble getting really invested. I realize that this is entirely a matter of personal taste, though, so I'll keep it in mind while scoring.
This ended up being a really entertaining read for me--a really easy story to consume and enjoy. You strike a great easygoing tone in the narration, and the characters' voicing all serve well to complement it.
The one thing I have to note is that while I definitely thought this was fun, I didn't quite find anything to be outright humorous to me. Honestly, I don't know enough about comedy to figure out why, though. The best that I can come up with is that there wasn't much that was genuinely unexpected for me, and comedy needs an element of surprise to really pop. Again, though, I'm not sure if this really makes sense, but I hope it was at least kinda-sorta helpful. :twilightblush:
The one thing I have to note is that while I definitely thought this was fun, I didn't quite find anything to be outright humorous to me. Honestly, I don't know enough about comedy to figure out why, though. The best that I can come up with is that there wasn't much that was genuinely unexpected for me, and comedy needs an element of surprise to really pop. Again, though, I'm not sure if this really makes sense, but I hope it was at least kinda-sorta helpful. :twilightblush:
I agree:
With the above comments--very nice stuff. One thing I'd like to suggestion for an expansion would be some details about the narrator's actual internal reactions to the property being discussed. We can get an awful lot of information about the character that way: how does the narrator describe the smell of the place, the look of the place, the way its air tousles his or her mane? Make us see and feel the love the narrator has for the place even while that love is being hidden from the broker.
Mike
With the above comments--very nice stuff. One thing I'd like to suggestion for an expansion would be some details about the narrator's actual internal reactions to the property being discussed. We can get an awful lot of information about the character that way: how does the narrator describe the smell of the place, the look of the place, the way its air tousles his or her mane? Make us see and feel the love the narrator has for the place even while that love is being hidden from the broker.
Mike
I see a lot of people talking about prompt adherence this round, so I would like to Have Opinions for a moment.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a Writeoff authority. You have an absolute right to vote in whatever way you like. It is legitimate to factor prompt adherence into your voting.
That said, I'd like to make a case that the Writeoff's goal of "reward high-quality stories" is best served by treating prompt adherence with a light touch. As I said last round:
The other half of that, which might be a bigger factor this round, is: when you ding a story for poor prompt use, what that means is not that it doesn't connect, but that you don't see a connection. We've had stories in the past that were widely criticized (and voted down) for a failure to incorporate the prompt, but whose promptworthiness seemed obvious in hindsight once the author was able to open their mouth and explain how they got there. (I'll suggest some examples of this in a bit.)
The net result of aggressive prompt policing is:
- To penalize people trying to think outside the box, providing incentives to write "safe" stories that take the most obvious interpretations
- To similarly incentivize prompt drops (quoting the prompt verbatim in the story), which is tedious in excess, as authors second-guess whether their prompt usage is obvious enough
It's already a truism around here that subtlety is a bad idea in a Writeoff. And experimentation is already dangerous enough. I don't think we need to stack even more incentives for people to write cookie-cutter stories. Wider variety both makes slates more entertaining, and increases the range of writing lessons we can learn.
That said, I wanted to back that up with some data. Over the last few days I've read through all 69 stories, minus the DQs, and I categorized them by their approach to the prompt (the numbers are the stories' gallery numbers):
The thing that leaps out at me here is that the number of stories willing to break from a few core interpretations is quite small; 90% of our stories are in the "contractual disclaimer" bucket, the "princesses not in a product" bucket, or the "princesses are excluded from a gathering or collection" bucket. With over five dozen stories, things start to look a little samey, and even some novel twists on those ideas (such as having the fine print refer to a prophecy rather than a product or service; or princesses being excluded from being able to die; or focusing on the show's S1 myth about Celestia not including Luna) end up getting multiple treatments from different authors.
And I wouldn't be surprised if most of the outliers came into line with a little thought. For example, I couldn't initiially figure out what #17 was doing (that's the one about Applejack and Rarity talking about their younger sisters owning condoms), but it hit me that young girls are typically associated with the idea of "princesses" as a sort of shorthand/metaphor for virginal purity, and the core of the story was the older sisters' loss of that princess myth. When that occurred to me I found it awfully clever, to the point where I wanted to give it a little extra credit in my voting for novelty. If instead I'd read through it and not thought about it and penalized it for bad prompt use I'd have given it a double penalty, both in missing out on that cleverness credit and in the poor-prompt ding.
Tl;dr don't be too aggressive with scoring adjustments for prompt use plz. And if you're curious why I put a story in a particular bucket or if you see how the five I'm stuck on connect, speak up.
As a little bonus, have a breakdown of which princess or princesses each story used!
DISCLAIMER: I am not a Writeoff authority. You have an absolute right to vote in whatever way you like. It is legitimate to factor prompt adherence into your voting.
That said, I'd like to make a case that the Writeoff's goal of "reward high-quality stories" is best served by treating prompt adherence with a light touch. As I said last round:
... my personal opinion is that the prompt is a starting point rather than an endpoint, and as long as you can squint and see the prompt from some angle in the story, I'm inclined to otherwise ... ignore that in my scoring.
Here's why. In a round with several dozen rapid-fire stories — especially with an unusually unambiguous prompt like "Look, I Just Want My Sandwich" — the cumulative effect of them all makes the obvious interpretation tedious, and it's easy to succumb to reader fatigue. Authors willing to take liberties with the interpretation break that up and give you something fresh; it's a necessary mercy if you read beyond a single slate.
The other half of that, which might be a bigger factor this round, is: when you ding a story for poor prompt use, what that means is not that it doesn't connect, but that you don't see a connection. We've had stories in the past that were widely criticized (and voted down) for a failure to incorporate the prompt, but whose promptworthiness seemed obvious in hindsight once the author was able to open their mouth and explain how they got there. (I'll suggest some examples of this in a bit.)
The net result of aggressive prompt policing is:
- To penalize people trying to think outside the box, providing incentives to write "safe" stories that take the most obvious interpretations
- To similarly incentivize prompt drops (quoting the prompt verbatim in the story), which is tedious in excess, as authors second-guess whether their prompt usage is obvious enough
It's already a truism around here that subtlety is a bad idea in a Writeoff. And experimentation is already dangerous enough. I don't think we need to stack even more incentives for people to write cookie-cutter stories. Wider variety both makes slates more entertaining, and increases the range of writing lessons we can learn.
That said, I wanted to back that up with some data. Over the last few days I've read through all 69 stories, minus the DQs, and I categorized them by their approach to the prompt (the numbers are the stories' gallery numbers):
Catch/disclaimer in a contract, humorous
06 11 13 22 30 36 48
Catch/disclaimer in a contract, serious
05 07 15 20 45
Catch/disclaimer in a prophecy
01 19
A lack of princesses in a toyset or product, concrete
09 12 35 55 57 58 60 69
A lack of princesses in a toyset or product, implied
02 43 50 59 63 64
Princess(es) excluded from an event or group
04 08 10 23 26 29 37 38 40 41 46 51 53 58 67
Equestria or its gov't is missing one or more princesses
14 16 31 32 39 42 49 52 66
Someone's not a princess despite being an alicorn
44 54 56 62 68
Princesses are excluded from being able to die
03 24 34
Celestia's historical exclusion of Luna leading to Nightmare Moon
33 61
"Princess" as metaphor for purity/innocence that young characters don't have
17
Horizon doesn't get it
18 25 27 28 47
Prompt quoted verbatim in the story:
05 15 24 35 48
(and possibly others, I wasn't tracking this closely)
The thing that leaps out at me here is that the number of stories willing to break from a few core interpretations is quite small; 90% of our stories are in the "contractual disclaimer" bucket, the "princesses not in a product" bucket, or the "princesses are excluded from a gathering or collection" bucket. With over five dozen stories, things start to look a little samey, and even some novel twists on those ideas (such as having the fine print refer to a prophecy rather than a product or service; or princesses being excluded from being able to die; or focusing on the show's S1 myth about Celestia not including Luna) end up getting multiple treatments from different authors.
And I wouldn't be surprised if most of the outliers came into line with a little thought. For example, I couldn't initiially figure out what #17 was doing (that's the one about Applejack and Rarity talking about their younger sisters owning condoms), but it hit me that young girls are typically associated with the idea of "princesses" as a sort of shorthand/metaphor for virginal purity, and the core of the story was the older sisters' loss of that princess myth. When that occurred to me I found it awfully clever, to the point where I wanted to give it a little extra credit in my voting for novelty. If instead I'd read through it and not thought about it and penalized it for bad prompt use I'd have given it a double penalty, both in missing out on that cleverness credit and in the poor-prompt ding.
Tl;dr don't be too aggressive with scoring adjustments for prompt use plz. And if you're curious why I put a story in a particular bucket or if you see how the five I'm stuck on connect, speak up.
As a little bonus, have a breakdown of which princess or princesses each story used!
Celestia
07 08 13 20 30 39 41 52 55 59 62 68
Luna (incl. NMM)
01 08 33 35 40 45 49? 52 55 61
Twilight
04 02 10 14 24 26 29 31 34 37 39 42 43 46 48 51 54 58 60 64 67
Cadance
10 52 63
The Cutie Mark Crusaders
17
G1's Megan
19
Trixie
22 36
Flurry Heart
44
Princess Platinum
49?
Dinky
56
Unspecified/generic
05 09 12 50 69
All princesses equally
03 06 11 15 16 23 32 38 53 57 66
???
18 25 27 28 47
>>horizon
Agreed on pretty much everything. Whenever I've finished reading one of these stories, if the prompt use wasn't obvious I'll think about it from every angle I can, seeking even the most remote possible interpretation. Only on stories where I literally can't see any inkling of the prompt (I think that was only one, maybe two) will I factor it into my score—and even then I'm hesitant. As far as I'm concerned, the write-off should be a place that promotes good storytelling and writing ability over anything else. Prompt adherence is typically a very minimal factor in that, especially given how many ways a prompt can be interpreted, usually.
As for the five stories you're stuck on, I've looked into them and given my best interpretation of where I think the prompt comes into play.
#18, Sage Advice: I'm as lost as you are—I even commented as such when I first read it. On second consideration, maybe the idea is that princesses typically have a cushy, easygoing lifestyle where everything is handed to them on a silver platter, and Pinkie being a ruthless dungeon master and cutting them no slack is meant to be an opposition to that stereotype. That's the best I can do.
#25, Power Pony Adventures: El Taco Loco vs. The Red Menace: In this one, Starlight Glimmer literally asks herself "What would Twilight do?" leading me to think that that's where the prompt lies. Twilight isn't there to call the shot, so Starlight has to figure it out on her own without the inclusion of the princess' input.
#27, Plush Pony: Ehh, this one's a tough call. Maybe it's supposed to be that the plush versions of the princesses seem so artificial and perfect compared to what the main characters expect of the real princesses, leading to the core conversation. So, like, while the princess plushies are literally there, the embodiment of actual princesshood isn't included.
#28, The Times They Are a-Changin': I've got two theories on this one. First, maybe Twi is feeling left out as everyone else in town simply rolls with the big, new corporation that's opened up and she's the only one trying to hold on to the past. Second, maybe it's a metaphor for how all those princess fairy tales always have a "happily ever after" whereas in the real world things are constantly changing, and no happiness is quite "ever after." On second thought, maybe that's sorta what Plush Pony was getting at too. Huh.
#47, Terms and Conditions: I honestly have no real idea. The only link I see is in the title itself, since terms and conditions on things like toys and other products often list "[blank] not included." My guess is that the author got the title from the prompt and then extrapolated the idea of terms and conditions into a literal manifestation of thesaurusitis. It's kinda clever when I think of it like that, honestly.
Also, I don't really have any qualms with how you categorized the stories, but I did notice that four non-disqualified stories were absent from any category for seemingly no reason. Specifically these stories are:
#08, Everypony loves order, right?
#42, Equestria Girls*
#50, An opportunity for improvement
#63, Burden of the Crystal Princess.
Just wondering if you left those out on purpose, by accident, or if I'm just missing them somewhere in the list—they're all in the second list where it's categorized by princess use (except for #50 again).
Anyway, fun little discussion/analysis/thingamabob. Thanks for sharing!
Agreed on pretty much everything. Whenever I've finished reading one of these stories, if the prompt use wasn't obvious I'll think about it from every angle I can, seeking even the most remote possible interpretation. Only on stories where I literally can't see any inkling of the prompt (I think that was only one, maybe two) will I factor it into my score—and even then I'm hesitant. As far as I'm concerned, the write-off should be a place that promotes good storytelling and writing ability over anything else. Prompt adherence is typically a very minimal factor in that, especially given how many ways a prompt can be interpreted, usually.
As for the five stories you're stuck on, I've looked into them and given my best interpretation of where I think the prompt comes into play.
#18, Sage Advice: I'm as lost as you are—I even commented as such when I first read it. On second consideration, maybe the idea is that princesses typically have a cushy, easygoing lifestyle where everything is handed to them on a silver platter, and Pinkie being a ruthless dungeon master and cutting them no slack is meant to be an opposition to that stereotype. That's the best I can do.
#25, Power Pony Adventures: El Taco Loco vs. The Red Menace: In this one, Starlight Glimmer literally asks herself "What would Twilight do?" leading me to think that that's where the prompt lies. Twilight isn't there to call the shot, so Starlight has to figure it out on her own without the inclusion of the princess' input.
#27, Plush Pony: Ehh, this one's a tough call. Maybe it's supposed to be that the plush versions of the princesses seem so artificial and perfect compared to what the main characters expect of the real princesses, leading to the core conversation. So, like, while the princess plushies are literally there, the embodiment of actual princesshood isn't included.
#28, The Times They Are a-Changin': I've got two theories on this one. First, maybe Twi is feeling left out as everyone else in town simply rolls with the big, new corporation that's opened up and she's the only one trying to hold on to the past. Second, maybe it's a metaphor for how all those princess fairy tales always have a "happily ever after" whereas in the real world things are constantly changing, and no happiness is quite "ever after." On second thought, maybe that's sorta what Plush Pony was getting at too. Huh.
#47, Terms and Conditions: I honestly have no real idea. The only link I see is in the title itself, since terms and conditions on things like toys and other products often list "[blank] not included." My guess is that the author got the title from the prompt and then extrapolated the idea of terms and conditions into a literal manifestation of thesaurusitis. It's kinda clever when I think of it like that, honestly.
Also, I don't really have any qualms with how you categorized the stories, but I did notice that four non-disqualified stories were absent from any category for seemingly no reason. Specifically these stories are:
#08, Everypony loves order, right?
#42, Equestria Girls*
#50, An opportunity for improvement
#63, Burden of the Crystal Princess.
Just wondering if you left those out on purpose, by accident, or if I'm just missing them somewhere in the list—they're all in the second list where it's categorized by princess use (except for #50 again).
Anyway, fun little discussion/analysis/thingamabob. Thanks for sharing!
Whatever you meant the narration’s vagueness regarding Twilgiht’s reading material to do, all it does for me is disrupt my sense of immersion. Nothing reminds readers they’re reading a story quite like the narrator hemming and hawing on details it should know. Backpedaling on previous word choices only exacerbates the matter.
Shouldn’t that be “hoof wash only”? Or was Rarity manufactured by minotaurs? ;)
As with Bad Horse, the opening left a bad taste in my mouth. The rest danced around the point in an irritating fashion. I don’t know if I’m not much of a romantic or if it’s just the poor first impression, but I was left more frustrated than anything by this story. Clean up the opening and we’ll see how it goes from there.
Shouldn’t that be “hoof wash only”? Or was Rarity manufactured by minotaurs? ;)
As with Bad Horse, the opening left a bad taste in my mouth. The rest danced around the point in an irritating fashion. I don’t know if I’m not much of a romantic or if it’s just the poor first impression, but I was left more frustrated than anything by this story. Clean up the opening and we’ll see how it goes from there.
I’m with Starlight. She wasn’t a communist, she was a cult leader. There were collectivist aspects to Our Town, but the central theme was twisted, childhood trauma-induced philosophy, not any political agenda. Oh well, that’s on the magic comic’s closest-fit algorithm.
Also, what’s with Power Pony comics and prehensile hair?
This is certainly a fascinating scenario, but sadly, it’s too big for the word limit. Thus it stops rather than ends. It’s a shame; this has the makings of a fantastic story, even if there are shades of Sonata Dusk apologism. (Assuming she’s not playing Starlight, which is certainly possible.) And I can actually see the prompt connection: The prompt certainly describes communism, and thus the Red Menace.
In all, while I’d love to see this expanded, I can’t rank it highly as it currently is.
Also, what’s with Power Pony comics and prehensile hair?
This is certainly a fascinating scenario, but sadly, it’s too big for the word limit. Thus it stops rather than ends. It’s a shame; this has the makings of a fantastic story, even if there are shades of Sonata Dusk apologism. (Assuming she’s not playing Starlight, which is certainly possible.) And I can actually see the prompt connection: The prompt certainly describes communism, and thus the Red Menace.
In all, while I’d love to see this expanded, I can’t rank it highly as it currently is.
>>Morning Sun
I agree with Morning Sun.
The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(
The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.
Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁
I agree with Morning Sun.
The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(
The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.
Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁
>>horizon
I think some of those ideas being taken by different authors is kind of interesting. For example, the "Princesses can't die" is taken by three different writers who all bring the fact that Twilight, by being immortal, cannot be with her friends anymore, and regrets this to some level. Even with the same idea and feelings, we get three entirely different stories: A near death experience (Or at least a near death for Twilight and death for the rest of the M6), a sadder lesson fic and a humorous take on trying to "die".
I think some of those ideas being taken by different authors is kind of interesting. For example, the "Princesses can't die" is taken by three different writers who all bring the fact that Twilight, by being immortal, cannot be with her friends anymore, and regrets this to some level. Even with the same idea and feelings, we get three entirely different stories: A near death experience (Or at least a near death for Twilight and death for the rest of the M6), a sadder lesson fic and a humorous take on trying to "die".
>>horizon
Are you serious that you consider to be the intended prompt connection, or is that a joke?
"Princess" as metaphor for purity/innocence that young characters don't have
17
Are you serious that you consider to be the intended prompt connection, or is that a joke?
>>FanOfMostEverything I don't doubt your knowledge of canon, but when did we learn she knew dark magic?
>>Trick_Question
In that case, "princess" would rather be the way you call your children/little sisters.
And maybe with a sort of brat-ish connotation.
But I agree I don't see purity/innocence here.
In that case, "princess" would rather be the way you call your children/little sisters.
And maybe with a sort of brat-ish connotation.
But I agree I don't see purity/innocence here.
>>horizon
I've only read the first 24, but I can take a stab at number 18, although it's admittedly a long shot. I think "Princess not included" implies that the roleplaying game may not be winnable, and if you'll recall the episode the endgame involves saving a princess. So 18 confused me much less than 17, which I still don't understand.
Disclaimer: I didn't write 18 (which is probably obvious to anypony who knows my style). This is just a guess.
I've only read the first 24, but I can take a stab at number 18, although it's admittedly a long shot. I think "Princess not included" implies that the roleplaying game may not be winnable, and if you'll recall the episode the endgame involves saving a princess. So 18 confused me much less than 17, which I still don't understand.
Disclaimer: I didn't write 18 (which is probably obvious to anypony who knows my style). This is just a guess.
>>Bad Horse The first Crystal Empire episode IIRC, she demonstrates some very evil looking magic to Twilight as she's explaining about Sombra.
>>Trick_Question
Yeah, in fact, anyone that knows you also knows that most of time you write 18+ fics.
I didn't write 18 (which is probably obvious to anypony who knows my style)
Yeah, in fact, anyone that knows you also knows that most of time you write 18+ fics.
>>Monokeras
I don't usually like a prompt drop, but it would really have helped to hear one of the ponies call their sister a "little princess" or something.
I'm starting to see what you and horizon mean, however, and it makes some sense.
I don't usually like a prompt drop, but it would really have helped to hear one of the ponies call their sister a "little princess" or something.
I'm starting to see what you and horizon mean, however, and it makes some sense.
>>Bad Horse
I haven't read this story (no spoilers plz) but as >>billymorph says, Twilight learned dark magic from Celestia in S3E1, and used it (twice I think?) in S3E2.
I haven't read this story (no spoilers plz) but as >>billymorph says, Twilight learned dark magic from Celestia in S3E1, and used it (twice I think?) in S3E2.
>>Monokeras
I realize that was a pun(?), but most of my fics are E. A few are T, and only one (currently) is M.
I realize that was a pun(?), but most of my fics are E. A few are T, and only one (currently) is M.
Huh. Discord’s alterations to the landscape are appropriate, because this one is genuinely chilling. The potential ramifications are as plentiful as the chaos that would ensue.
Of course, that’s the conceptual level. On the narrative one, there’s some work to be done. You do overplay Discord’s visual gags. Given how you need to describe them in a textual format, it’s best to use them a little more sparingly than would be the case for the show. Especially for the more oblique or just unfunny ones, like the condor or the yo-yos. Also, I’d recommend cutting down on the “Celestia is fat” jokes, especially coming from Discord. Consistency is the hobgoblin of orderly minds.
And, as Trick noted, while our astrophysics may follow from (almost certainly) immutable laws of physics, that model clearly doesn’t work for Equestria. Magic acting as a fifth fundamental force changes everything. Plus, it could be argued that the sun and moon no longer being under conscious control is actually a more chaotic situation, especially if the diarchs derive legitimacy from that cosmic control. Indeed, seeing Twilight and Discord in a philosophical debate over what chaos even is could be truly fascinating.
Hmm. Well, you’ve given a lot to think about, so points there. Still, this definitely needs polishing and expansion to properly capture the scope of its idea.
Of course, that’s the conceptual level. On the narrative one, there’s some work to be done. You do overplay Discord’s visual gags. Given how you need to describe them in a textual format, it’s best to use them a little more sparingly than would be the case for the show. Especially for the more oblique or just unfunny ones, like the condor or the yo-yos. Also, I’d recommend cutting down on the “Celestia is fat” jokes, especially coming from Discord. Consistency is the hobgoblin of orderly minds.
And, as Trick noted, while our astrophysics may follow from (almost certainly) immutable laws of physics, that model clearly doesn’t work for Equestria. Magic acting as a fifth fundamental force changes everything. Plus, it could be argued that the sun and moon no longer being under conscious control is actually a more chaotic situation, especially if the diarchs derive legitimacy from that cosmic control. Indeed, seeing Twilight and Discord in a philosophical debate over what chaos even is could be truly fascinating.
Hmm. Well, you’ve given a lot to think about, so points there. Still, this definitely needs polishing and expansion to properly capture the scope of its idea.
There’s a powerful tragedy here, but at times, it’s obscured by the word choice. The paragraph starting with “Too soon for her liking” is especially loaded with odd constructions and thesaurus abuse.
Still, the underlying story is a poignant one, and an interesting way to integrate comic and show canon. Clean it up a little (and maybe explain precisely how princess and Heart interact) and this will be a beautiful tragedy.
>>Pastoral >>Misternick >>Orbiting_kettle
If I'm interpreting this correctly, it's a reference to the IDW comics, wherein Princess Amore was the ruler of the Crystal Empire before Sombra conquered it and the Crystal Heart was sealing away a race of shadow demon creatures called the Umbrum, which created Sombra by wrapping one of their own in an equine guise. Granted, there are a number of alterations here from that base, but I believe that's the inspiration.
Still, the underlying story is a poignant one, and an interesting way to integrate comic and show canon. Clean it up a little (and maybe explain precisely how princess and Heart interact) and this will be a beautiful tragedy.
>>Pastoral >>Misternick >>Orbiting_kettle
If I'm interpreting this correctly, it's a reference to the IDW comics, wherein Princess Amore was the ruler of the Crystal Empire before Sombra conquered it and the Crystal Heart was sealing away a race of shadow demon creatures called the Umbrum, which created Sombra by wrapping one of their own in an equine guise. Granted, there are a number of alterations here from that base, but I believe that's the inspiration.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Yeah! For once, FoME skewers someone else for thesaurus abuse and odd constructions. :happy!:
The paragraph starting with “Too soon for her liking” is especially loaded with odd constructions and thesaurus abuse.
Yeah! For once, FoME skewers someone else for thesaurus abuse and odd constructions. :happy!:
Truly, there is no escape from the horse puns.
In all, this really hurts from both the word limit and the author’s inability to trim enough details to make the story fit that limit. I know I’ve harped on stories for failing to explain things, but here, the long stretch about how Sunset got where she is wasn’t really necessary for the story to work. It definitely wasn’t worth the space devoted to it. However, you do have a good foundation for expanding the story.
As for the meat of it, political angles are risky, but this one paid of for me. Even at its best, US representational democracy would probably horrify someone accustomed to Celestia’s benevolent dictatorship. I agree with Baal Bunny about having Sunset go from fierce independence to homesickness so desperate that a zombie army sounds like a good idea.
There’s strong potential here, but it wasn’t utilized well in its current incarnation.
In all, this really hurts from both the word limit and the author’s inability to trim enough details to make the story fit that limit. I know I’ve harped on stories for failing to explain things, but here, the long stretch about how Sunset got where she is wasn’t really necessary for the story to work. It definitely wasn’t worth the space devoted to it. However, you do have a good foundation for expanding the story.
As for the meat of it, political angles are risky, but this one paid of for me. Even at its best, US representational democracy would probably horrify someone accustomed to Celestia’s benevolent dictatorship. I agree with Baal Bunny about having Sunset go from fierce independence to homesickness so desperate that a zombie army sounds like a good idea.
There’s strong potential here, but it wasn’t utilized well in its current incarnation.
>>horizon
Forgive me for playing the devil's advocate here, but it seems like I always see people arguing your position and ignoring the other side.
So what happens when someone has a great idea that they know people will love, but is totally unrelated to the prompt, and they decide to write it anyway because they know that people won't dock them for it? Should we let them fet away with it if the story is really good? If we don't penalize them, then why bother having a prompt at all?
I do agree that we need to give people a certain amount of benefit of the doubt. But I also think that at some point, you have to start enforcing the rules.
At the very least, I think it should be like writing fanfics in the original fiction rounds. You won't get disqualified for it, but you know that you will be handicapped/penalized.
Forgive me for playing the devil's advocate here, but it seems like I always see people arguing your position and ignoring the other side.
So what happens when someone has a great idea that they know people will love, but is totally unrelated to the prompt, and they decide to write it anyway because they know that people won't dock them for it? Should we let them fet away with it if the story is really good? If we don't penalize them, then why bother having a prompt at all?
I do agree that we need to give people a certain amount of benefit of the doubt. But I also think that at some point, you have to start enforcing the rules.
At the very least, I think it should be like writing fanfics in the original fiction rounds. You won't get disqualified for it, but you know that you will be handicapped/penalized.
This is a universe more alternate than it seems at first glance, given how Nightmare Moon did revel in Celestia’s pain the first time around according to the flashback potion. Still, AUs are as AUs do, and this one is… not much, really. As others have noted, you devote the entire word count to conveying a single datum. The tortuous pacing is appropriate for Celestia’s current condition, but not for the minific format. You’ll definitely be able to make this work better once its expanded, though even then, you’ll want to tone down the repetition.
Others have covered the basic issues. I agree that you need more emotional consideration for everypony involved. Realizing you’re dead after the fact is going to be pretty darn shocking, even if you subscribe to the Prachettian “no glands” school of postmortem psychology. And yes, Death definitely feels inappropriately casual. You’ll also want to work on him somehow failing to register Twilight’s horn and wings until the most dramatic moment possible, which at the moment feels pretty darn contrived.
Also, you’re going to better establish the situation at the opening. I had no idea who was present until they all spoke up. Starting premortem might be advisable, though the slow reveal of circumstances can also work.
This will need a fair amount of work, but the end result will be worth it.
Also, you’re going to better establish the situation at the opening. I had no idea who was present until they all spoke up. Starting premortem might be advisable, though the slow reveal of circumstances can also work.
This will need a fair amount of work, but the end result will be worth it.
Ah, G1. Sadly,not everyone is familiar with the classics. Such is the risk you take with an intergenerational crossover.
The question of prompt adherence is interesting here: Both Megan and Twilight could be seen as the excluded princess here. For one, it’s too late; for the other, too early.
In any case, I quite liked this one, though it definitely felt compressed. Given the history of the Rainbow of Light, the gravitas of the first scene felt appropriate. The rest feels… off. The issues are twofold. Firstly, the first My Little Pony series took place during the 1980’s, so this is likely taking place in the mid 21st century. You’re going to need to account for that. Secondly, Sophie feels way too accepting of the colorful ponies descending from another dimension. If I had a sense of how old she’s supposed to be, this wouldn’t feel quite as bad, but I had pictured her as a teenager up until the point she happily followed the technicolor alien horses without questioning a single thing about the situation.
So, yeah, there’s definite potential here, but it’s going to need some further thought to fully realize it.
The question of prompt adherence is interesting here: Both Megan and Twilight could be seen as the excluded princess here. For one, it’s too late; for the other, too early.
In any case, I quite liked this one, though it definitely felt compressed. Given the history of the Rainbow of Light, the gravitas of the first scene felt appropriate. The rest feels… off. The issues are twofold. Firstly, the first My Little Pony series took place during the 1980’s, so this is likely taking place in the mid 21st century. You’re going to need to account for that. Secondly, Sophie feels way too accepting of the colorful ponies descending from another dimension. If I had a sense of how old she’s supposed to be, this wouldn’t feel quite as bad, but I had pictured her as a teenager up until the point she happily followed the technicolor alien horses without questioning a single thing about the situation.
So, yeah, there’s definite potential here, but it’s going to need some further thought to fully realize it.
Given “Somepony to Watch Over Me,” I suppose I should be grateful that Applejack isn’t getting Apple Bloom fitted for a chastity belt. Still, she seemed to learn that lesson well, and the result is a lovely, respectful slice of life with excellent atmosphere and characterization.
I quite like Horizon’s take on the prompt interpretation. “Princess” as a symbol of purity isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind with this fandom, given the other baggage it adds to the term, but it does work. Kudos for novelty if that was your intent.
I quite like Horizon’s take on the prompt interpretation. “Princess” as a symbol of purity isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind with this fandom, given the other baggage it adds to the term, but it does work. Kudos for novelty if that was your intent.
>>MCA
>>ArgonMatrix
>>horizon
>>The_Letter_J
For me:
Writing a story to a prompt is like writing a sonnet. Both ask the author to follow certain rules, and authors who choose to follow those rules should then actually follow them.
Of course, this feeling might be an outgrowth of the several times I've entered sonnet contests where none of the finalists when they were announced were actually sonnets--not in iambic pentameter, not following the proper rhyme scheme, using more than fourteen lines, et cetera. It just seems to me that the very first rule when entering something that's billed as "a sonnet contest" should be: the entry ought to be a sonnet.
That being said, I've read about half the entries here at this point, and "Reason to be Proud" is currently #1 on my ballot with "Twilight's Excitement Can't Be Contained" at #2. So I talk a good "stickler for the rules," but in the end, it turns out that my response to the story itself carries more weight than anything else... :)
Mike
>>ArgonMatrix
>>horizon
>>The_Letter_J
For me:
Writing a story to a prompt is like writing a sonnet. Both ask the author to follow certain rules, and authors who choose to follow those rules should then actually follow them.
Of course, this feeling might be an outgrowth of the several times I've entered sonnet contests where none of the finalists when they were announced were actually sonnets--not in iambic pentameter, not following the proper rhyme scheme, using more than fourteen lines, et cetera. It just seems to me that the very first rule when entering something that's billed as "a sonnet contest" should be: the entry ought to be a sonnet.
That being said, I've read about half the entries here at this point, and "Reason to be Proud" is currently #1 on my ballot with "Twilight's Excitement Can't Be Contained" at #2. So I talk a good "stickler for the rules," but in the end, it turns out that my response to the story itself carries more weight than anything else... :)
Mike
Given the number of stories where there’s panic in the streets because both the diarchs and the unicorn magic needed to move the sun have been lost, this is actually a very good idea. Heck, I’m considering adding this to my headcanon.
And that’s just the concept. The story itself is a great conflict tailored for Twilight, having to accept how her wings will alter things in ways she’d never considered, because she’d already planned out those parts of her life. Excellent work.
And that’s just the concept. The story itself is a great conflict tailored for Twilight, having to accept how her wings will alter things in ways she’d never considered, because she’d already planned out those parts of her life. Excellent work.
If you’re self-conscious about exposition, don’t point out that it’s exposition. You’ll just draw everyone else’s attention to it. Similarly, when you try to hang lampshades on jokes, it just comes across as desperate. “Hey guys! Look at the funny thing. Laugh at the fact that it is funny. Please.” Have faith in the joke’s ability to deliver humor on its own. That trust will be rewarded.
As for the story itself, Trixie’s flailing is fairly amusing, but you might want to grant her a little more dignity, at least at first. A study in contrasts can be all the funnier, especially if you open before she casts the spell, dreaming of her inevitable triumph and all that will come with it.
Definite room for improvement here, and I hope you try to fill it.
As for the story itself, Trixie’s flailing is fairly amusing, but you might want to grant her a little more dignity, at least at first. A study in contrasts can be all the funnier, especially if you open before she casts the spell, dreaming of her inevitable triumph and all that will come with it.
Definite room for improvement here, and I hope you try to fill it.
Try to avoid exclamation points in third-person narration. Let the events indicate how exciting they are with leaning on the punctuation.
That being said, this was great on multiple levels. The conversation was clearly headed in an interesting direction, the chess techniques were fascinating, and the ending was hilariously incongruous. Still, I hope you expand the first part of it without the sudden intrusion. As is, it was a clever way to work around the word limit, but when you no longer need to, I want to see where you would’ve gone.
That being said, this was great on multiple levels. The conversation was clearly headed in an interesting direction, the chess techniques were fascinating, and the ending was hilariously incongruous. Still, I hope you expand the first part of it without the sudden intrusion. As is, it was a clever way to work around the word limit, but when you no longer need to, I want to see where you would’ve gone.
Hmm. I suppose there’s a message in here about finding something deep and meaningful in what is fundamentally a toy commercial, but the use of living ponies felt superfluous. It raises the question of how much of the magic in Equestria is fictional in this setting, opening a whole other can of worms. It’d probably be simpler to just make them human. Plus, it feels really over-described.
Take out some of the extra stuffing and I’ll happily cuddle this. So to speak.
Take out some of the extra stuffing and I’ll happily cuddle this. So to speak.
>>horizon
>>ArgonMatrix
>>Trick_Question
In 18, 'Sage Advice', Twilight is explicitly called a unicorn. So my guess is that it's 'not included' as in her not being a Princess yet.
And in 17, 'Reason to be Proud', Twilight doesn't have a little sister, so she literally can't be included in this conversation the same way Dash could. Although Spike is sometimes shipped with Sweetie Belle, which... I dunno.
With 27, 'Plush Pony', you have ponies buying plushies of princesses who are apparently fictional to them. Literal princesses are 'not included' in this world, I think, from their discussion of super powers.
Haven't read the rest of the one's you're discussing.
I'll sometimes penalize if I feel lack of prompt is especially egregious. But honestly, I'm pretty good at twisting ideas around; I could probably think up another three interpretations for each of these that could seem 'valid', if I tried. I usually don't think about it too hard, because the chances that I missed the prompt usage always seems larger than the chances the author intentionally didn't include it.
And honestly, we run so much of the Writeoff on the principle of honor anyways, it doesn't feel useful. If I start doubting people are submitting in good faith, why should I believe that people are writing inside the deadlines, or writing their own work? It really doesn't improve anything, IMHO, to try to police this much at all.
>>ArgonMatrix
>>Trick_Question
In 18, 'Sage Advice', Twilight is explicitly called a unicorn. So my guess is that it's 'not included' as in her not being a Princess yet.
And in 17, 'Reason to be Proud', Twilight doesn't have a little sister, so she literally can't be included in this conversation the same way Dash could. Although Spike is sometimes shipped with Sweetie Belle, which... I dunno.
With 27, 'Plush Pony', you have ponies buying plushies of princesses who are apparently fictional to them. Literal princesses are 'not included' in this world, I think, from their discussion of super powers.
Haven't read the rest of the one's you're discussing.
I'll sometimes penalize if I feel lack of prompt is especially egregious. But honestly, I'm pretty good at twisting ideas around; I could probably think up another three interpretations for each of these that could seem 'valid', if I tried. I usually don't think about it too hard, because the chances that I missed the prompt usage always seems larger than the chances the author intentionally didn't include it.
And honestly, we run so much of the Writeoff on the principle of honor anyways, it doesn't feel useful. If I start doubting people are submitting in good faith, why should I believe that people are writing inside the deadlines, or writing their own work? It really doesn't improve anything, IMHO, to try to police this much at all.
Ooh, propaganda. This should be interesting.
…
Oh. Well. That was a letdown. Others have covered why quite thoroughly. This just doesn’t go anywhere with its idea. If you expand on this, make it a story rather than a character’s rant, you’ll definitely have something intriguing. There’s clearly something sinister under the surface here. I just want to see you getting around to peeling it back.
…
Oh. Well. That was a letdown. Others have covered why quite thoroughly. This just doesn’t go anywhere with its idea. If you expand on this, make it a story rather than a character’s rant, you’ll definitely have something intriguing. There’s clearly something sinister under the surface here. I just want to see you getting around to peeling it back.
Cute, though Twilight sounds kind of stilted, especially at the start. It’s like she’s deliberately copying every verbal tic in Celestia’s repertoire.
Still, an interesting look at the future and how Twilight will cope with her friends’ passing. I didn’t find it especially infodumpy; this seems to follow logically from what we’ve seen.
Still, an interesting look at the future and how Twilight will cope with her friends’ passing. I didn’t find it especially infodumpy; this seems to follow logically from what we’ve seen.
This really did not wow me. I’m not sure how old Twilight’s supposed to be for the majority of the story, but I’d expect her to have some concept of death, if only through encountering it in her reading. Extinct animals, for example. The conversation didn’t feel natural either, sometimes awkwardly phrased, sometimes sounding off-tone for the characters, and sometimes blaring the immortality blues right in my face. The framing device really doesn’t help in that last respect.
This definitely needs work, not least because matters of life and death aren’t the best topic to pick when you have less than a kiloword to work with. All things considered, you might be best served in having the conversation take place after that fateful Summer Sun Celebration. After all, why would a young Twilight care that Celestia didn’t have any friends?
This definitely needs work, not least because matters of life and death aren’t the best topic to pick when you have less than a kiloword to work with. All things considered, you might be best served in having the conversation take place after that fateful Summer Sun Celebration. After all, why would a young Twilight care that Celestia didn’t have any friends?
Wow, this Celestia’s kind of a bitch. Seriously, this is some very uncharitable word choice here.
Putting aside the inexplicable character decisions, I’m honestly having trouble telling what’s even going on. Between tense and subject sliding around and a lack of background information, I am completely lost. I’m not even entirely sure who’s supposed to be banned from the Games; at one point Celestia appears to be contemplating a ban on Ms. Harshwhinny.
You need to clean this up on every level, and even then, I’d object to this portrayal of Celestia. However, that’s just my opinion. The rest? That’s factually in need of a facelift. Especially the apparent bits about suicide. Really not a topic you should bring up lightly.
Putting aside the inexplicable character decisions, I’m honestly having trouble telling what’s even going on. Between tense and subject sliding around and a lack of background information, I am completely lost. I’m not even entirely sure who’s supposed to be banned from the Games; at one point Celestia appears to be contemplating a ban on Ms. Harshwhinny.
You need to clean this up on every level, and even then, I’d object to this portrayal of Celestia. However, that’s just my opinion. The rest? That’s factually in need of a facelift. Especially the apparent bits about suicide. Really not a topic you should bring up lightly.
It could have worked. In this case I would have liked to have seen the routine that they went through because it's important to the Flim and Flam characters. When selling liquid courage (in this case booze spiked with something else) one typically had to indicate one of three things which were: be cool like the spokesperson, have a good time and/or you're going to get laid. This pitch does none of that really and feels more like a hard sell by a desperate mall worker who hasn't been able to move the smoked meat logs because they look like dried out something else.
So, if this story instead focused on a main character who sees this pitch, buys the drink, uses it and suffers some of the consequences and reads the side effects it probably would have tickled me more.
As it stands I just don't buy the pitch.
So, if this story instead focused on a main character who sees this pitch, buys the drink, uses it and suffers some of the consequences and reads the side effects it probably would have tickled me more.
As it stands I just don't buy the pitch.
Ah Starlight the Jim Jones of Equestria. It's not a bad little story that could fit into an episodic series in which Starlight as the Red Menace (which really should make her the villain with a name like menace) has to defeat super villains. I think that on a structural stand point it might have been funny if it had begun with a super friends reference (MEANWHILE AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE) type of thing and ended with a cliffhanger telling us to tune in next week or something.
I think that if it had started subtly then built to a crazy, "You must wear this princess dress," crescendo it could have worked. As it stands it just feels kind of weird. I just don't really believe scenario and if someone I worked with or for wanted nudes of me I'd probably either quit my job or get them fired.
I think the idea is solid and the ending is fun. I think it could have played up a little bit more on a mad scientist level especially when it's revealed that she's working to "improve" the perfect code. In fact it could have played with a lot of the possibilities that the story presents and I think that if this were a longer fic I'd probably like it more than I do.
I agree with the positives already pointed out by my illustrious colleagues. Good, solid writing, beautiful images and engaging prose.
I really don't think that you need more of a story in the classical sense here, but it would be nice if we could learn something about the players through their style. It is an old trope, but nonetheless if you make their moves distinct enough it can become an interesting character piece.
I really don't think that you need more of a story in the classical sense here, but it would be nice if we could learn something about the players through their style. It is an old trope, but nonetheless if you make their moves distinct enough it can become an interesting character piece.
So Twilight lyrically tells the reader to imagine that she's walking down a hall to a bedroom to meet with us and tell us a bedtime story?
Without a doubt the language is very pretty. It also feels like the author was as perplexed by the prompt as frankly I was, if written much prettier than what I put together. It's a story that's not really a story. It's ultimately just an explanation that Twilight loves the reader and needs private time with said reader, who I think is her child.
It's pretty but it needs work.
Without a doubt the language is very pretty. It also feels like the author was as perplexed by the prompt as frankly I was, if written much prettier than what I put together. It's a story that's not really a story. It's ultimately just an explanation that Twilight loves the reader and needs private time with said reader, who I think is her child.
It's pretty but it needs work.
The title is kind of clever but it made me want a different beginning also. I wanted a ton of excuses as to why Rarity was over at an ungodly time of night. In fact a lot of comedy could have happened as she tried to come up with new excuses to stick around just a bit longer possibly involving the need to get different oddly shaped batteries that are hard to find and even stuff like her curtains are too loud or the bed squeaks like a nest of mice.
It's got potential, it just needs some tweaking.
It's got potential, it just needs some tweaking.
In a way it was a lot like visiting Wal-Mart. It had some of what I wanted but, didn't wow me either. The writing and jokes were fine but not laugh out loud funny. You could see the ending coming as if staring at it through a vacant aisle. The story is what it is and there's nothing wrong with that.
It honestly almost reads like a student's paper. The type of paper the professor gives you a week to do and in your own words you copy and paste parts from different books. I wish I had more to say but, as it stands the piece is just kind of dry and needs some sort of drama, action or something to make it come alive and be engaging as a story.
I'll keep this short and sweet. It was beautifully done. I think FanofMostEverything said good poetry is hard to come by, and it really is. Wanna know what's harder? Great poetry. And I think this is some great poetry, so props to the author... errr, I mean poet.
The meter was unique too, and probably my favorite part of this piece of art. I can't wait for the results to come out just so I can rave to the writer how envious I am of this. Amazing work! I expect to see this in the top ten.
The meter was unique too, and probably my favorite part of this piece of art. I can't wait for the results to come out just so I can rave to the writer how envious I am of this. Amazing work! I expect to see this in the top ten.
>>ArgonMatrix
Oops, I apparently left those out by accident. (I had them in the master list, in which I wrote a few words about how the prompt applied.) Thanks for the catch. I've edited them into the lists.
#8 (Discord stops Celestia and Luna from being able to control the celestial bodies) was exclusion from an event/group. #42 (Twilight never goes to the EqG-verse) was Equestria missing a princess. #50 (Celestia buys Equestria but it doesn't come with rulers) was a product/service not including princesses, and so was #63 (The Crystal Heart is incomplete without alicorn power).
>>The_Letter_J
This is a legitimate concern. However, as >>Not_A_Hat points out, the Writeoff already works on the honor system. It's also illegal to pre-write stories. Short of flagrant violations (like Roger noticing someone submitting an 8,000-word story 15 minutes after the prompt is chosen, or someone plagiarizing an existing story), we have no way of detecting that; our choice is either to swing at shadows or to assume that people here are honest, and honesty has gotten us this far.
Ultimately it's a question of whether to guard against false positives or false negatives. If you feel that it's more important to prevent fraud (i.e., ignoring the rule requiring prompt use) than to encourage creativity, you will want to be aggressive about penalizing for prompt misuse. If you feel that it's more important to encourage creativity than prevent fraud, do the opposite. I have been in the Writeoffs for years now, and the number of known fraud cases I can count on the claws of one foreleg; this is not proof that rules out an epidemic of undiscovered fraud, but the null hypothesis (most people are honest, especially in a community where reputation within the community is the only tangible reward) is really strong, so I just don't think there's a fraud problem to prevent.
If someone's a bad actor on an ongoing basis, anyway, it's easier to determine that from patterns of stories (continual marginal prompt connections) rather than trying to apply remedies on an individual-story level. Though, that said ...
When I quoted last round's post, this time I redacted the "completely" from "completely ignore", because I originally misspoke: I don't completely ignore prompt use. I will absolutely stick a thumb on the scales when I think a story uses the prompt especially well. This is part of my larger philosophy on scoring: I think that a story which takes a risky leap and sticks the landing has accomplished more than a story which plays it safe and does everything right. Similarly, someone who approaches the prompt from an unexpected angle has put a lot of thought into blazing their own trail rather than following the crowd. (They don't get that extra credit if I don't see it or don't find it elegant; that's the risk.)
And there are certainly stories which work the prompt in with more or less finesse, and I get all sorts of judgmental on that. A story which has nothing at all to do with princesses except for a brief and tangential prompt drop has a problem of laziness — to use a food analogy, they're trying to shake some powder in over the top as an afterthought rather than working their ingredient in as a major flavor of the dish. But when I penalize that story, I feel I'm penalizing the laziness rather than their rule adherence. They worked the prompt in, but their choice of how doesn't speak well of their craft.
#08, Everypony loves order, right?
#42, Equestria Girls*
#50, An opportunity for improvement
#63, Burden of the Crystal Princess.
Oops, I apparently left those out by accident. (I had them in the master list, in which I wrote a few words about how the prompt applied.) Thanks for the catch. I've edited them into the lists.
#8 (Discord stops Celestia and Luna from being able to control the celestial bodies) was exclusion from an event/group. #42 (Twilight never goes to the EqG-verse) was Equestria missing a princess. #50 (Celestia buys Equestria but it doesn't come with rulers) was a product/service not including princesses, and so was #63 (The Crystal Heart is incomplete without alicorn power).
>>The_Letter_J
So what happens when someone has a great idea that they know people will love, but is totally unrelated to the prompt, and they decide to write it anyway because they know that people won't dock them for it? Should we let them fet away with it if the story is really good? If we don't penalize them, then why bother having a prompt at all?
This is a legitimate concern. However, as >>Not_A_Hat points out, the Writeoff already works on the honor system. It's also illegal to pre-write stories. Short of flagrant violations (like Roger noticing someone submitting an 8,000-word story 15 minutes after the prompt is chosen, or someone plagiarizing an existing story), we have no way of detecting that; our choice is either to swing at shadows or to assume that people here are honest, and honesty has gotten us this far.
At the very least, I think it should be like writing fanfics in the original fiction rounds. You won't get disqualified for it, but you know that you will be handicapped/penalized.
Ultimately it's a question of whether to guard against false positives or false negatives. If you feel that it's more important to prevent fraud (i.e., ignoring the rule requiring prompt use) than to encourage creativity, you will want to be aggressive about penalizing for prompt misuse. If you feel that it's more important to encourage creativity than prevent fraud, do the opposite. I have been in the Writeoffs for years now, and the number of known fraud cases I can count on the claws of one foreleg; this is not proof that rules out an epidemic of undiscovered fraud, but the null hypothesis (most people are honest, especially in a community where reputation within the community is the only tangible reward) is really strong, so I just don't think there's a fraud problem to prevent.
If someone's a bad actor on an ongoing basis, anyway, it's easier to determine that from patterns of stories (continual marginal prompt connections) rather than trying to apply remedies on an individual-story level. Though, that said ...
When I quoted last round's post, this time I redacted the "completely" from "completely ignore", because I originally misspoke: I don't completely ignore prompt use. I will absolutely stick a thumb on the scales when I think a story uses the prompt especially well. This is part of my larger philosophy on scoring: I think that a story which takes a risky leap and sticks the landing has accomplished more than a story which plays it safe and does everything right. Similarly, someone who approaches the prompt from an unexpected angle has put a lot of thought into blazing their own trail rather than following the crowd. (They don't get that extra credit if I don't see it or don't find it elegant; that's the risk.)
And there are certainly stories which work the prompt in with more or less finesse, and I get all sorts of judgmental on that. A story which has nothing at all to do with princesses except for a brief and tangential prompt drop has a problem of laziness — to use a food analogy, they're trying to shake some powder in over the top as an afterthought rather than working their ingredient in as a major flavor of the dish. But when I penalize that story, I feel I'm penalizing the laziness rather than their rule adherence. They worked the prompt in, but their choice of how doesn't speak well of their craft.
This story wasn't on my slate,
But let me join in the debate.
It's surely lovely, dark and deep;
And still, I feel, with little weight.
Your rhymes are mostly crisp and fine.
Yet what's with these italic lines?
They break the mold and catch the eye.
Are they a hint, a clue, a sign?
Perhaps I miss what you imply,
Outside of rhyme and kiss and sigh,
This must be Luna and her shade...
They're doing something by-and-by.
But I'm not seeing arc or plot;
It's pretty, but it is not fraught
With tension, anger, or device,
To draw me in. My heart's uncaught.
'More words might help', I'd like to say,
It seems, though, you have answered nay.
This barely bobs above the count,
That it must meet to join the fray.
Unless it's time that left you short?
If you say that, I can't retort.
Our margins here are truly thin;
Perhaps you had to call 'abort!'
The fault will likely stand with me;
I've claimed before I shouldn't be
the one to comment on a verse.
I guess today I'm fancy-free.
I wrote in rhyme here as a joke.
I hope you don't think there is cloak-
-ed malice in these words of mine.
I swear, I'm quite the friendly bloke!
Prose version: I read this because of the discussion, and I think giving poetry more attention is worth doing. This is pretty, but it doesn't seem to go deeper than a touch of shipping. There's a wonderful hint of lunacy at the end, and the poetry evokes that nicely. However, much of this left me cold or mildly confused, such as the seemingly significant italicized bits. However, I cling staunchly to my claims of knowing nothing about poetry despite spending however long it took to hack this rhyme together, so there's a good chance I'm simply missing something or not in your audience. I wrote a 'poetic' review because it seemed fun at the time, and am not intending to mock you or anything like that.
>>ChappedPenguinLips I also wanted to reply to this comment, because (as far as I can tell) this poem is similar to Robert Frost's "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening." So I don't think I'd call it's meter or rhyme 'unique', per se. It's still a beautiful style, however.
But let me join in the debate.
It's surely lovely, dark and deep;
And still, I feel, with little weight.
Your rhymes are mostly crisp and fine.
Yet what's with these italic lines?
They break the mold and catch the eye.
Are they a hint, a clue, a sign?
Perhaps I miss what you imply,
Outside of rhyme and kiss and sigh,
This must be Luna and her shade...
They're doing something by-and-by.
But I'm not seeing arc or plot;
It's pretty, but it is not fraught
With tension, anger, or device,
To draw me in. My heart's uncaught.
'More words might help', I'd like to say,
It seems, though, you have answered nay.
This barely bobs above the count,
That it must meet to join the fray.
Unless it's time that left you short?
If you say that, I can't retort.
Our margins here are truly thin;
Perhaps you had to call 'abort!'
The fault will likely stand with me;
I've claimed before I shouldn't be
the one to comment on a verse.
I guess today I'm fancy-free.
I wrote in rhyme here as a joke.
I hope you don't think there is cloak-
-ed malice in these words of mine.
I swear, I'm quite the friendly bloke!
Prose version: I read this because of the discussion, and I think giving poetry more attention is worth doing. This is pretty, but it doesn't seem to go deeper than a touch of shipping. There's a wonderful hint of lunacy at the end, and the poetry evokes that nicely. However, much of this left me cold or mildly confused, such as the seemingly significant italicized bits. However, I cling staunchly to my claims of knowing nothing about poetry despite spending however long it took to hack this rhyme together, so there's a good chance I'm simply missing something or not in your audience. I wrote a 'poetic' review because it seemed fun at the time, and am not intending to mock you or anything like that.
>>ChappedPenguinLips I also wanted to reply to this comment, because (as far as I can tell) this poem is similar to Robert Frost's "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening." So I don't think I'd call it's meter or rhyme 'unique', per se. It's still a beautiful style, however.
So, what happens when they have to use the bathroom and the tour guide is in the room? I mean it's going to happen at some point. It could work as a longer story where more is explained and revealed. As it is it's kind of a weird ending.
>>Not_A_Hat
Aha! I see that now. But to me it was unique since I personally had never seen it.
Also. Hat, your poem was beautiful, and you're a beautiful, beautiful bastard. Be proud.
Aha! I see that now. But to me it was unique since I personally had never seen it.
Also. Hat, your poem was beautiful, and you're a beautiful, beautiful bastard. Be proud.
This was a nice zany comedy fic, and it's good news for the writer that this story ended up on my slate. I love comedy fics! I'm a sucker for them, and it seems they're ranked quite high on my list in comparison to other genres.
With that being said... this was also my lowest ranking comedy fic. It wasn't terribly low, but it was rather low. Not that this wasn't a good story, but it's more like... every story above it was just plainly better.
I liked this story. I really did, and there aren't any particular issues with it. Sure it needs some brushing up, and some nice touches here and there, but this is still a quality story. Trixie's characterzation is great! It was probably my favorite part of this story, just how well she's portrayed, then the "djinn's" or "jinn's" or "twin genie's from Aladdin" portrayal is like icing on the cake. Or the cherry on top of the milkshake!
And again with that being siad... It just doesn't meet the quality of the other comedy fics above it. I cannot really expand any further than that, because there isn't anything wrong with this story, really. It's just... everything else, in my mind, was better. But if it's worth anything, this was the worst of the better fics. Like... this was one of the better quality fics. Just the worst of the better quality ones... wh-why did I think this was a compliment? It is! I just don't know how to word it to make truly sound like one, haha.
But on a serious job. Great job! One of the better ones, and to the author, you're just a hop, skip and a jump from the finals round. I don't think you'll make it, but I really hope you'll prove me wrong! Because this one feels like on that's up for grabs. Best of luck! I'll keep my eyes out for it!
With that being said... this was also my lowest ranking comedy fic. It wasn't terribly low, but it was rather low. Not that this wasn't a good story, but it's more like... every story above it was just plainly better.
I liked this story. I really did, and there aren't any particular issues with it. Sure it needs some brushing up, and some nice touches here and there, but this is still a quality story. Trixie's characterzation is great! It was probably my favorite part of this story, just how well she's portrayed, then the "djinn's" or "jinn's" or "twin genie's from Aladdin" portrayal is like icing on the cake. Or the cherry on top of the milkshake!
And again with that being siad... It just doesn't meet the quality of the other comedy fics above it. I cannot really expand any further than that, because there isn't anything wrong with this story, really. It's just... everything else, in my mind, was better. But if it's worth anything, this was the worst of the better fics. Like... this was one of the better quality fics. Just the worst of the better quality ones... wh-why did I think this was a compliment? It is! I just don't know how to word it to make truly sound like one, haha.
But on a serious job. Great job! One of the better ones, and to the author, you're just a hop, skip and a jump from the finals round. I don't think you'll make it, but I really hope you'll prove me wrong! Because this one feels like on that's up for grabs. Best of luck! I'll keep my eyes out for it!
It's a cute little tale, but I wish there was more substance. I enjoy fluffy clouds to bounce on once or twice, but afterwards there needs a bit more solid grounding to nap on, y'know?
I think this doesn't quite make sense. Like, if I followed it right:
Cadance : I am going to grow old and die because I love Shining too much. Flurry will be new me.
Twilight : Oh
Cadance : You should do the same.
Twilight : Maybe I will. Probably. I guess I need to get knocked up first.
And yea. There's too much calm and too much speed for material so heavy, I fear :(
Cadance : I am going to grow old and die because I love Shining too much. Flurry will be new me.
Twilight : Oh
Cadance : You should do the same.
Twilight : Maybe I will. Probably. I guess I need to get knocked up first.
And yea. There's too much calm and too much speed for material so heavy, I fear :(
Haha, this is so true of old toysets in many ways.
One nitpick : Gryphons have talons, not fingers - I'd do a replace on that. Otherwise yea, a good pony-ized bit about toy collecting and Gilda totally fits the 'Loves them but too embarrassed to admit it' collector trope
One nitpick : Gryphons have talons, not fingers - I'd do a replace on that. Otherwise yea, a good pony-ized bit about toy collecting and Gilda totally fits the 'Loves them but too embarrassed to admit it' collector trope
>>ChappedPenguinLips Well, now I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I guess it was worth writing. :)
To be honest, it's very hard to go straight for the gut like this in a minific. Others have already covered why the premise of the story feels odd, so I'll focus on the execution.
You're using a fight scene to add emotional weight to the dialogue that the sisters are having, which is a perfectly good method of adding intensity to a conflict. However, the key behind making a scene like this work is putting emotional weight behind the fight. Unfortunately, the action reads pretty dryly—it comes across a bit like a list of things that's happening. Try varying sentence length and structure a bit to make the action feel like it's flowing rather than broken up into individual motions.
Another worth noting is that the whole motivation behind Limestone's actions is that she wants to protect the farm, but we never really get any sense of how important the farm is to her. It's obviously implied that it means a great deal to her, but not being able to explore her attachment to the farm (that clearly outweighs her attachment to her family) makes it hard to emphasize with her.
I'd hate to stifle ambition, but minifics do tend to work a little better with conflicts on a smaller emotional scale. That isn't to say that all minifics need to be substanceless fluff, but the fact that you have so little time to get your reader invested really limits the scope of your emotional payoff. And, of course, character death already comes with its own host of hurdles to overcome.
In the end, this might be a case of biting off a bit more than you can chew in the restraints of a competition like this.
You're using a fight scene to add emotional weight to the dialogue that the sisters are having, which is a perfectly good method of adding intensity to a conflict. However, the key behind making a scene like this work is putting emotional weight behind the fight. Unfortunately, the action reads pretty dryly—it comes across a bit like a list of things that's happening. Try varying sentence length and structure a bit to make the action feel like it's flowing rather than broken up into individual motions.
Another worth noting is that the whole motivation behind Limestone's actions is that she wants to protect the farm, but we never really get any sense of how important the farm is to her. It's obviously implied that it means a great deal to her, but not being able to explore her attachment to the farm (that clearly outweighs her attachment to her family) makes it hard to emphasize with her.
I'd hate to stifle ambition, but minifics do tend to work a little better with conflicts on a smaller emotional scale. That isn't to say that all minifics need to be substanceless fluff, but the fact that you have so little time to get your reader invested really limits the scope of your emotional payoff. And, of course, character death already comes with its own host of hurdles to overcome.
In the end, this might be a case of biting off a bit more than you can chew in the restraints of a competition like this.
I think this story could actually work if, and I've said something similar to this in other opinions, if it didn't have to be 750 words max. This is the kind of story that, regardless of how you start it, needs a bit more time to build up. Whether the focus is on Maud figuring out who did it or the killer who is driven to do it, there needed to be a longer focused build up to the act.
Even so, I think it would be neat if a longer version of this was written.
Even so, I think it would be neat if a longer version of this was written.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Gotta agree with this.
This would work better if at the very end the Pedantic Pony of Pointless Pomposity is Posthaste Powered Protesting Past the Portcullis by Posterior-Placed Propulsion.
Gotta agree with this.
This would work better if at the very end the Pedantic Pony of Pointless Pomposity is Posthaste Powered Protesting Past the Portcullis by Posterior-Placed Propulsion.
I didn't really feel any...arc, here, I guess? It's a vignette about bullying and I admit I wasn't quite sold on it - yes, kids are sensitive, but this..ah, I know!
It felt like seeing old-tier Diamond Tiara, and nopony does DT better than she does herself.
It felt like seeing old-tier Diamond Tiara, and nopony does DT better than she does herself.
Okay, this is a high ender for me. The only real suggestion I have is for Celestia to say 'A vile sorceress poisoned your tea' or something similar; same ending, but without the PR disaster having Celestia do it would cause.
Given I loved Only, Only, Only You, this one rates very highly for me as well. Then again I am a sucker for Frost-style works.
>>Not_A_Hat
The italics appear to be when the Nightmare is whispering her more sinister temptations - the non-italicized words are the words of her love, the italicized is where she is trying to sway Luna into acting.
Anyhow, yea, top contender from me!
>>Not_A_Hat
The italics appear to be when the Nightmare is whispering her more sinister temptations - the non-italicized words are the words of her love, the italicized is where she is trying to sway Luna into acting.
Anyhow, yea, top contender from me!
I think the biggest issue here is like 'Why is Twilight not just freeing the Changeling and throwing them in prison at the same time'?
I mean, they have no legal right (presumably, otherwise Equestria has OTHER problems) to stand on here, so you know, she's totally justified in arresting them.
I mean, they have no legal right (presumably, otherwise Equestria has OTHER problems) to stand on here, so you know, she's totally justified in arresting them.
>>Not_A_Hat
Here's the thing: "Snowy Evening" goes AABA BBCB, and so forth, adding to the sense of steady progress, allowing us to see the next stage of the journey on the horizon. "Only, Only, Only Me" Goes AABA BB CCDC DD and so forth. For me, that structure lent itself into the theme of something alien and external insinuating itself where it should not be, its nature only becoming clear when it's already too late to stop it.
Granted, I may be overthinking this. :P
Here's the thing: "Snowy Evening" goes AABA BBCB, and so forth, adding to the sense of steady progress, allowing us to see the next stage of the journey on the horizon. "Only, Only, Only Me" Goes AABA BB CCDC DD and so forth. For me, that structure lent itself into the theme of something alien and external insinuating itself where it should not be, its nature only becoming clear when it's already too late to stop it.
Granted, I may be overthinking this. :P
>>GaPJaxie
In 2 years the Mayor will have helped them discoverMantles Splicing and all will be better understood as his GLORIOUS CAPITALIST UTOPIA comes crashing down around him.
In 2 years the Mayor will have helped them discover
Hmm. To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of 'alternate timeline' stories, or really 'dark' stories to begin with-- I'm of the terribly boring opinion that a work should be able to fit into the main 'canon.' (Maybe with a little bit of willing suspension of disbelief, but still).
... I do kind of like the idea of Maud going on a grim revenge rampage, however. Hm.
... I do kind of like the idea of Maud going on a grim revenge rampage, however. Hm.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Yeah, reads like Rarity to me. Not to mention she's got a grudge with Blueblood to begin with.
Yeah, reads like Rarity to me. Not to mention she's got a grudge with Blueblood to begin with.
Well, this was fun. Kinda reminded me of Discworld, in a vague sort of way.
My only suggestion would be to reveal just who the 'buyer' is-- maybe not a full 'By the way, my name's Lauren Fausticorn' but maybe a bit more of a hint.
My only suggestion would be to reveal just who the 'buyer' is-- maybe not a full 'By the way, my name's Lauren Fausticorn' but maybe a bit more of a hint.
That was a delightful story. I really don't have complaints to level at it, except that in an expanded and published version I think some of the words with which Spike had problems should be switched out with something slightly more obscure.
Rainbow Dash's report was splendid.
A smart and fun little comedy piece.
Rainbow Dash's report was splendid.
A smart and fun little comedy piece.
I love the concept here, and you do well fitting it into 750 words. Very solid.
>>Morning Sun
As an extension of the previous sentence that Draco was saying, 'am' makes more sense here. That being said, it still sounds weird.
>>Morning Sun
As an extension of the previous sentence that Draco was saying, 'am' makes more sense here. That being said, it still sounds weird.
With a little reworking I think this story could have started with the third paragraph. Not that the first two are poorly written mind you, but the third paragraph is when the story truly starts up. After that it's a fun little scam story and frankly I thought the ending was funny.
I liked the characterization and the interactions between them; the chemistry felt natural, while still being humorous. Descriptions were sparse, but got the job done.
There wasn't a whole lot of plot, but what there was all fit together. I'll also agree with Baal Bunny that some of the 'said' substitutes were distracting.
Overall, though, it was cute and funny, and after finishing it, looking back at the title made me grin.
There wasn't a whole lot of plot, but what there was all fit together. I'll also agree with Baal Bunny that some of the 'said' substitutes were distracting.
Overall, though, it was cute and funny, and after finishing it, looking back at the title made me grin.
Sounds like renovations on Twilight's castle are coming along. Nice characterizations and what not. However, in a world filled with magic why would a map scare them? Also, why would some random nonboss type really be that interested in who's paying the bills? I guess I just had a difficult time buying into the why of the story.
This story really left me with one question and that is, why didn't Cadence just ask Celestia to make Shining Armor an alicorn too so that he would live forever as well? I mean, that would have solved all of their problems. Then Cadence can get her tubes tied or whatever and not worry about having more kids. I guess I don't get the logic of the decision made in this one.
This was fun and honestly something I could relate to when dealing with that friend or family member who fixates on something and won't move on no matter how much you want them to do so.
Not really doing more reviews, but I had to comment on this one because it's almost really good, IMHO. That second-last line, though, came across as just slightly too on-the-nose for me. I think, if you cut 'fade' and 'glowing', this would have been pitch-perfect. As it is, it's still an excellent example of how to pick an idea to scope, and it's very well executed; but the nearness makes that last line of dialogue clunk all the harder to my ear.
I realize people say 'subtlety is dangerous in the Writeoff', and they're not wrong. However, I think the opposite is also true; subtlety is rewarding in the Writeoff. If you can get it juuuuuust right. Which is the hard part, I know. This verges just on the side of too unsubtle for me, which is a shame.
I realize people say 'subtlety is dangerous in the Writeoff', and they're not wrong. However, I think the opposite is also true; subtlety is rewarding in the Writeoff. If you can get it juuuuuust right. Which is the hard part, I know. This verges just on the side of too unsubtle for me, which is a shame.
By the way, I got the folder for this event created in our FIMFiction group.
If you edit your minific (up to at least the FIMFiction 1000-word minimum) and post it to FF, go ahead and add it to the group folder so we can read the final version! You'll need to be a group contributor in order to do so — this is just a spam-prevention tool and we give that status to everyone who has submitted at least one Writeoff story. Contact me here or on Fimfic if you need that status added (or if you see a story that needs adding, which I'm happy to do).
Remember not to publish or discuss your storyelsewhere anywhere until you are no longer anonymous! Keep an eye on the Gallery page; once you see your name there, you're good to go. Authors of non-finalists are automatically revealed when preliminaries end, and all authors are revealed when finals end.
If you edit your minific (up to at least the FIMFiction 1000-word minimum) and post it to FF, go ahead and add it to the group folder so we can read the final version! You'll need to be a group contributor in order to do so — this is just a spam-prevention tool and we give that status to everyone who has submitted at least one Writeoff story. Contact me here or on Fimfic if you need that status added (or if you see a story that needs adding, which I'm happy to do).
Remember not to publish or discuss your story
Uh-huh...
Is the idea here that the Tree of Harmony didn't just grow Twilight's castle, but instead had to have it contracted and built?
That's pretty silly, but if it's right, it's not evident from the story.
Is the idea here that the Tree of Harmony didn't just grow Twilight's castle, but instead had to have it contracted and built?
That's pretty silly, but if it's right, it's not evident from the story.