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Disinclusioned
“I feel like a ghost, sometimes,” said Twilight, as she studied her pieces. She had played Unicorn Chess for so long, and teleportation was such a natural skill for her, that she no longer had to expend energy or even conscious thought on moving her pieces; once her mind had calculated the proper move, a well-trained subsection of her brain, which could no longer detect a material difference between source and destination, simply made it happen. In this case, the Queen instantly ceased to exist on its home hex and blinked into being at hex A3 as if it had always been there.
Cadance bit back a few obvious quips as she considered the gameboard. She could bypass horn-based spellwork altogether and simply use her talent to increase the attraction between her selected piece and the desired square, until the former, impassioned, rushed to the latter with as much ardor as an inanimate object could display. “Would you care to tell me more?” she said with a smile, as she caused a Minotaur to unite joyously with hex B17.
Twilight held her gaze steady on a neutral space on the board; she didn’t want Cadance to see her staring at any particular pieces. “Well, this is new to me, but now that I have a palace and attendants, it’s as if I’m in a sort of bubble of silence everywhere I go. Conversations die as I approach, ponies always fall into whispers around me unless they have something to say to me directly…”
Cadance gave her eyes a roll of commiseration. “Right. They don’t want to seem like they’re placing themselves at your level, or including you in theirs. They can only interact with you via approved formulaic sayings and elaborate rituals drained of any warmth. No wonder you feel like a summoned spirit.”
Twilight looked up from the board and nodded. “That’s it. That’s just it. Even when they don’t think I’m in earshot and they happen to mention me in conversation, or they’re forced to talk about something fun or interesting when I’m around, they have to sever me from it with verbal formulas. ‘Saving Her Highness’ or ‘Your Royal Presence excluded, of course.’ And they smile these precise little smarmy smiles.” She snapped a Hoofsoldier to hex C5, restricting the forward movement of Cadance’s Minotaur.
“Oh, you know they’re not trying to be rude. You’re a symbol of power to them, and there’s just no socially acceptable way for them to bring you to a bar or invite you to their filly’s second birthday party…”
“Of course, but still it frustrates me. I just feel like some sort of automaton sometimes. And sometimes I daydream that if I just made an illusion of me that stood around glowing and making proclamations, they’d never notice the difference and I could take a long vacation on a tropical island and–” A thaumic distortion swirled into existence above Twilight’s head.
“Wh-wha?” she shouted as she was firmly grasped between a huge pair of round fleshy pads and yanked out of her native reality!
“What luck!” cried the collector as she inverted her Castle of Friendship playset, which lay darkened and inactive on her work table. “I drove all around town and the stores were all closed! But this will do!” She used a small screwdriver to open an access panel at the castle’s base, between a speaker grille and a little red on/off switch. It revealed an oblong receptacle, rounded at the corners, with a pair of thaumite terminals like pincers at one end.
The collector took up a small clear box, which was barely containing an enraged Twilight, and used plastic insulated tweezers to insert her firmly into the receptacle. Twilight shivered as her sensitive horn was shoved between the thaumite contacts.
The collector swiftly screwed the panel shut, muffling the enraged horse noises, then flipped the on switch and turned the castle right side up. It shone with enchanting sparkles of light and shimmering crystal colors.
“At last!” cried the collector, sighing happily and rubbing her hands. “It’s so pretty now! But I wish it had come with one. They should print that notice larger on the box.”
Cadance bit back a few obvious quips as she considered the gameboard. She could bypass horn-based spellwork altogether and simply use her talent to increase the attraction between her selected piece and the desired square, until the former, impassioned, rushed to the latter with as much ardor as an inanimate object could display. “Would you care to tell me more?” she said with a smile, as she caused a Minotaur to unite joyously with hex B17.
Twilight held her gaze steady on a neutral space on the board; she didn’t want Cadance to see her staring at any particular pieces. “Well, this is new to me, but now that I have a palace and attendants, it’s as if I’m in a sort of bubble of silence everywhere I go. Conversations die as I approach, ponies always fall into whispers around me unless they have something to say to me directly…”
Cadance gave her eyes a roll of commiseration. “Right. They don’t want to seem like they’re placing themselves at your level, or including you in theirs. They can only interact with you via approved formulaic sayings and elaborate rituals drained of any warmth. No wonder you feel like a summoned spirit.”
Twilight looked up from the board and nodded. “That’s it. That’s just it. Even when they don’t think I’m in earshot and they happen to mention me in conversation, or they’re forced to talk about something fun or interesting when I’m around, they have to sever me from it with verbal formulas. ‘Saving Her Highness’ or ‘Your Royal Presence excluded, of course.’ And they smile these precise little smarmy smiles.” She snapped a Hoofsoldier to hex C5, restricting the forward movement of Cadance’s Minotaur.
“Oh, you know they’re not trying to be rude. You’re a symbol of power to them, and there’s just no socially acceptable way for them to bring you to a bar or invite you to their filly’s second birthday party…”
“Of course, but still it frustrates me. I just feel like some sort of automaton sometimes. And sometimes I daydream that if I just made an illusion of me that stood around glowing and making proclamations, they’d never notice the difference and I could take a long vacation on a tropical island and–” A thaumic distortion swirled into existence above Twilight’s head.
“Wh-wha?” she shouted as she was firmly grasped between a huge pair of round fleshy pads and yanked out of her native reality!
“What luck!” cried the collector as she inverted her Castle of Friendship playset, which lay darkened and inactive on her work table. “I drove all around town and the stores were all closed! But this will do!” She used a small screwdriver to open an access panel at the castle’s base, between a speaker grille and a little red on/off switch. It revealed an oblong receptacle, rounded at the corners, with a pair of thaumite terminals like pincers at one end.
The collector took up a small clear box, which was barely containing an enraged Twilight, and used plastic insulated tweezers to insert her firmly into the receptacle. Twilight shivered as her sensitive horn was shoved between the thaumite contacts.
The collector swiftly screwed the panel shut, muffling the enraged horse noises, then flipped the on switch and turned the castle right side up. It shone with enchanting sparkles of light and shimmering crystal colors.
“At last!” cried the collector, sighing happily and rubbing her hands. “It’s so pretty now! But I wish it had come with one. They should print that notice larger on the box.”
The one is built around a take of the prompt that I'm glad to see worked in, but at the same time I am unimpressed. The repetition of the core theme in different contexts is to the story's credit, but the actual execution drags, feeling rather aimless, and the turn at the end stretches the imagination perhaps too far. I can only fault it at the conceptual level, being too frivolous for my preference.
I liked the first half quite a bit, and while it's a conversation I'd seen before, I do like interaction between these two, particularly about princesshood. The writing there is a bit purple, a bit wordy; the dialogue sections don't really sound like things that the characters would actually say, mostly for these longer words used throughout. I didn't see the ending coming at all, however, and unless I missed something it wasn't adequately foreshadowed. It was a good take on the prompt, but one I didn't feel suited the story because it came out of left field and is a tonal mismatch with the rest. Still, I liked the inclusion of the Unicorn Chess game and your description of Twilight's playing was actually quite enthralling.
I quite liked this one.
I was surprised by this nihilistic cosmic horror story, and appreciate the effort even if there are a couple of problems with the writing itself. The disconnect between the first part and the ending worked well as a way to represent the randomness of the cosmos. It was unexpected and lacked fore shadowing, and in this context that seemed about right. I liked the starting discussion, the seriousness and melancholy was a nice contrast with what comes later. The collectors lines on the other hand were stiff, unnatural and a transparent way to give context. Practically an infodump. Unicorn chess and the different ways in which magic works were a nice bonus.
Interesting but with a bit of an obscure key to its interpretation.
I was surprised by this nihilistic cosmic horror story, and appreciate the effort even if there are a couple of problems with the writing itself. The disconnect between the first part and the ending worked well as a way to represent the randomness of the cosmos. It was unexpected and lacked fore shadowing, and in this context that seemed about right. I liked the starting discussion, the seriousness and melancholy was a nice contrast with what comes later. The collectors lines on the other hand were stiff, unnatural and a transparent way to give context. Practically an infodump. Unicorn chess and the different ways in which magic works were a nice bonus.
Interesting but with a bit of an obscure key to its interpretation.
Uh...
What just happened there?
Alright, I mean, I think I get it, but still. This just makes no sense at all, in any way I consider logical. It's like, the story starts out with a seemingly meaningful discussion between Cadence and Twilight, but then slews wildly into crack? I don't even know.
Um, on a technical note, the information on how Twilight plays chess adds nothing to the story and is a really dry note to open on. The info on how Cadence plays chess is at least humorous, but other than that adds nothing to the story. The whole first section feels like padding to reach the ridiculousness at the end, because it means nothing to the ending. If your point is nihilism something, that might work, but I think stories should have a meaning of some sort; being meaningless, to me, is not the same as being thematically nihilistic, because you're not demonstrating how life is meaningless when your story just lacks meaning. ...or something like that. Anyways, despite some cute turns of phrase, this one is just too pointless overall for me to enjoy it much.
What just happened there?
Alright, I mean, I think I get it, but still. This just makes no sense at all, in any way I consider logical. It's like, the story starts out with a seemingly meaningful discussion between Cadence and Twilight, but then slews wildly into crack? I don't even know.
Um, on a technical note, the information on how Twilight plays chess adds nothing to the story and is a really dry note to open on. The info on how Cadence plays chess is at least humorous, but other than that adds nothing to the story. The whole first section feels like padding to reach the ridiculousness at the end, because it means nothing to the ending. If your point is nihilism something, that might work, but I think stories should have a meaning of some sort; being meaningless, to me, is not the same as being thematically nihilistic, because you're not demonstrating how life is meaningless when your story just lacks meaning. ...or something like that. Anyways, despite some cute turns of phrase, this one is just too pointless overall for me to enjoy it much.
I don't know what I just read.
I liked the first part.
I did not like the second part. It is dissonant and doesn't really make any sense. I could add more, but I think being pithy serves well here.
I liked the first part.
I did not like the second part. It is dissonant and doesn't really make any sense. I could add more, but I think being pithy serves well here.
Hey, it's funny, but I think the execution lacks, and that's why it gets only a middling reception.
The idea of Twilight playing some sort of chess-like board game (not unlike in StarWars) with Cadence is not bad. I suppose the first line (in hindsight) foreshadows the end. But the conversation is rather bland and doesn't add much to the plot. You could easily scrap all that yackety-yaking off and still get the same outcome.
The last part was offbeat. You chose to set it up in some fancy world (thaumic???) which raises the question: does the collector know Twilight is actually living? And if yes, how are the other box sets powered? I think it would've been better if Twilight was twitched out as a still figure or something.
Also the
The idea of Twilight playing some sort of chess-like board game (not unlike in StarWars) with Cadence is not bad. I suppose the first line (in hindsight) foreshadows the end. But the conversation is rather bland and doesn't add much to the plot. You could easily scrap all that yackety-yaking off and still get the same outcome.
The last part was offbeat. You chose to set it up in some fancy world (thaumic???) which raises the question: does the collector know Twilight is actually living? And if yes, how are the other box sets powered? I think it would've been better if Twilight was twitched out as a still figure or something.
Also the
and yanked out of her native reality!was an odd phrasing and telly. We could've figured that out of the next line.
>>Morning Sun
I agree with Morning Sun.
The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(
The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.
Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁
I agree with Morning Sun.
The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(
The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.
Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁
Try to avoid exclamation points in third-person narration. Let the events indicate how exciting they are with leaning on the punctuation.
That being said, this was great on multiple levels. The conversation was clearly headed in an interesting direction, the chess techniques were fascinating, and the ending was hilariously incongruous. Still, I hope you expand the first part of it without the sudden intrusion. As is, it was a clever way to work around the word limit, but when you no longer need to, I want to see where you would’ve gone.
That being said, this was great on multiple levels. The conversation was clearly headed in an interesting direction, the chess techniques were fascinating, and the ending was hilariously incongruous. Still, I hope you expand the first part of it without the sudden intrusion. As is, it was a clever way to work around the word limit, but when you no longer need to, I want to see where you would’ve gone.
>>KwirkyJ
>>Pastoral
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Morning Sun
>>Monokeras
>>Chryssi
>>FanOfMostEverything
Many thanks for the positive and constructive comments! And to the negative comments, thanks as well, and a mea culpa. This is a flawed story, and I’m afraid that I knew it full well on submission.
It happened in this way. As this is my first writeoff, I was unaware that multiple submissions were an option, so I focused on making one full length story. From my list of viable ideas, I wasn’t much attracted to the “princess socially excluded” dialogue, for I was sure it was already trodden ground and I couldn’t see a way to put an original spin on it or finish it off in a satisfying manner. I played with it, got the idea to have Twilight & Cadance discuss it over a chess game, and tried it anyway, hoping to find inspiration as I proceeded, and figuring I could end it with another idea if I failed.
In brief, I didn’t find anything I considered worthy, it was uncomfortably past bedtime, and I was running out of steam; thus I decided to “finish” the story with the “Twilight is a Battery” idea. So, yes, this is truly a Frankenstory. I hope no one feels it was an utter waste of time to read. I tried to apply some polish to it but could not conceal the structural flaws.
Thanks to everyone for reading! I am unlikely to present this on FIM as its own story, but may save the chess descriptions in the spare parts box, so to speak.
>>Pastoral
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Morning Sun
>>Monokeras
>>Chryssi
>>FanOfMostEverything
Many thanks for the positive and constructive comments! And to the negative comments, thanks as well, and a mea culpa. This is a flawed story, and I’m afraid that I knew it full well on submission.
It happened in this way. As this is my first writeoff, I was unaware that multiple submissions were an option, so I focused on making one full length story. From my list of viable ideas, I wasn’t much attracted to the “princess socially excluded” dialogue, for I was sure it was already trodden ground and I couldn’t see a way to put an original spin on it or finish it off in a satisfying manner. I played with it, got the idea to have Twilight & Cadance discuss it over a chess game, and tried it anyway, hoping to find inspiration as I proceeded, and figuring I could end it with another idea if I failed.
In brief, I didn’t find anything I considered worthy, it was uncomfortably past bedtime, and I was running out of steam; thus I decided to “finish” the story with the “Twilight is a Battery” idea. So, yes, this is truly a Frankenstory. I hope no one feels it was an utter waste of time to read. I tried to apply some polish to it but could not conceal the structural flaws.
Thanks to everyone for reading! I am unlikely to present this on FIM as its own story, but may save the chess descriptions in the spare parts box, so to speak.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
'Twilight is a battery' sounds an interesting idea is taken and run with on its own, to be honest. It was the jarring effect of it left-fielding that was vexing here. 'Ponies are batteries' could be this like, creepy-icky-good horror story
'Twilight is a battery' sounds an interesting idea is taken and run with on its own, to be honest. It was the jarring effect of it left-fielding that was vexing here. 'Ponies are batteries' could be this like, creepy-icky-good horror story
>>Morning Sun
I agree. My concept of the battery idea was such that I was already picturing a living Twilight being pulled from another world, rather than ponies already being prepackaged as batteries in whatever sick dimension the Collector calls home. Thus, when I was casting about for ways to end the other story, this presented itself as a natural fit and a sort of shocking subversion of the first part, with its dialogue that might be called overdone. I didn’t feel very comfortable with where I was with the first part, and perhaps was relieved to have a way [an excuse] to jump abruptly out of it.
I agree. My concept of the battery idea was such that I was already picturing a living Twilight being pulled from another world, rather than ponies already being prepackaged as batteries in whatever sick dimension the Collector calls home. Thus, when I was casting about for ways to end the other story, this presented itself as a natural fit and a sort of shocking subversion of the first part, with its dialogue that might be called overdone. I didn’t feel very comfortable with where I was with the first part, and perhaps was relieved to have a way [an excuse] to jump abruptly out of it.