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...No Reason at All
Twilight rubbed her eyes. Though Flim and Flam had not shown their faces in Ponyville since the tonic fiasco, Twilight was not exactly surprised to find them at her castle's doorstep one morning. However, the changeling chained onto a humble wooden cart did throw her for a loop.
Twilight sighed. “And here I was, thinking you were above selling slaves.”
Flim gasped, and his brother Flim did the same. Flim nudged the changeling, and the changeling also let out a gasp, albeit a considerably less passionate gasp than his captors’.
“Princess, you misunderstand. We’re not in the slavery business. You’ve got us all wrong,” Flim said, removing his hat and holding it to his chest.
Flam did the same. “We believe that changelings have rights, just like any other pony.”
“And now you have a chance to support his rights. Accommodation rights, to be precise.”
“And in exchange, you get a free, legally-bound friend!” Flam said, poking Twilight’s wing. “You’re all about friendship, Princess, are you not?”
The changeling mouthed the words “Help me” to Twilight. Twilight mouthed back the words “You’ll be free as soon as I pay for you here in just a minute”, but she had a feeling it would be difficult to pick up on those words without the accompanying word-noises.
“I’m not interested,” Twilight said, then turned to Spike and whispered in his ear, “Could you get me some bits, please?”
“But we haven’t even gotten to the special features yet!” Flam said. “Changelings can transform in the blink of an eye and become any pony you so desire, any pony at all! Watch and be amazed!” he said, presenting the changeling as it begrudgingly transformed into Twilight, wings and all.
Twilight paused, looking at the irritated copy of herself. She’d known changelings could transform, but a thought she’d had long ago popped back into her head that she’d never taken the time to truly consider.
“Anypony?” Twilight rubbed her arm with her other hoof. “Can you… can you turn into Princess Celestia?” she said with an intense and very poorly concealed blush.
The Flim Flam brothers turned to the changeling, drilling their moustachioed glares into their next business venture.
Noticing just how deep Princess Twilight’s blush was, the changeling decided perhaps being rescued could be put off for the time being. He was unable to hold back an obscene amount of sweat. “I, uh, can’t. Can’t do that one. Nope.”
Flam held up a hoof, about ready to smack that feature into their product, when his brother gave a tug of his bow tie and arched an eyebrow, no mouthing or word-noises required.
Flim turned to the princess. “Why would you want that, anyway?”
It was Twilight’s turn to sweat obscenely.
Flim practically leapt, landing directly in front of Twilight. “Yes, what reason could a princess be so nervous about wanting a Princess Celestia look-alike around the castle, hmm?”
“I can imagine many reasons, dear brother,” Flam said, hounding Twilight from the left. “But I can’t say many of them are very innocent, shall we say.”
“I was asking for a friend,” Twilight said, swallowing, trying to fake a smile. “I’m all about friendship, after all, heh.”
“Let’s hope it’s not the kind of friendship with benefits, hmm?” Flim neared Twilight’s face with a broad grin that was far from fake. “I’ll tell you what, Princess. Throw in a few bits more, and we promise not to tell anyone about your particular inquiry, or the particularly scandalous color of your face as you inquired.”
Spike had never seen a sack of bits pass from one pony to another so quickly.
Flim and Flam telekinetically floated the changeling next to Twilight. Once they’d pocketed their earnings, they skipped down the road with their humble cart. “Adieu, Princess!” they sung in unison.
Twilight and the changeling stood on the doorstep. Neither made any sudden movements or word-noises. Both stood still as statues, Twilight’s neck tighter than the changeling’s jaw, and the changeling’s jaw almost as tight as Twilight’s neck.
Twilight coughed. “Have you ever tried to change into—”
“Let’s never,” the changeling said, bolting up and away.
“Yes. Okay. Good.” Twilight nodded as she hurried inside, her face still luminously red. “Yep. Bye.”
Spike put his hands on his hips. He looked at the fleeing Flim Flam brothers, then the fleeing changeling, then the fleeing princess. His eyebrows furrowing, he fled towards Twilight. “Hey Twilight, what did Flim mean by that ‘friendship with benefits’ thing?”
Twilight sighed. “And here I was, thinking you were above selling slaves.”
Flim gasped, and his brother Flim did the same. Flim nudged the changeling, and the changeling also let out a gasp, albeit a considerably less passionate gasp than his captors’.
“Princess, you misunderstand. We’re not in the slavery business. You’ve got us all wrong,” Flim said, removing his hat and holding it to his chest.
Flam did the same. “We believe that changelings have rights, just like any other pony.”
“And now you have a chance to support his rights. Accommodation rights, to be precise.”
“And in exchange, you get a free, legally-bound friend!” Flam said, poking Twilight’s wing. “You’re all about friendship, Princess, are you not?”
The changeling mouthed the words “Help me” to Twilight. Twilight mouthed back the words “You’ll be free as soon as I pay for you here in just a minute”, but she had a feeling it would be difficult to pick up on those words without the accompanying word-noises.
“I’m not interested,” Twilight said, then turned to Spike and whispered in his ear, “Could you get me some bits, please?”
“But we haven’t even gotten to the special features yet!” Flam said. “Changelings can transform in the blink of an eye and become any pony you so desire, any pony at all! Watch and be amazed!” he said, presenting the changeling as it begrudgingly transformed into Twilight, wings and all.
Twilight paused, looking at the irritated copy of herself. She’d known changelings could transform, but a thought she’d had long ago popped back into her head that she’d never taken the time to truly consider.
“Anypony?” Twilight rubbed her arm with her other hoof. “Can you… can you turn into Princess Celestia?” she said with an intense and very poorly concealed blush.
The Flim Flam brothers turned to the changeling, drilling their moustachioed glares into their next business venture.
Noticing just how deep Princess Twilight’s blush was, the changeling decided perhaps being rescued could be put off for the time being. He was unable to hold back an obscene amount of sweat. “I, uh, can’t. Can’t do that one. Nope.”
Flam held up a hoof, about ready to smack that feature into their product, when his brother gave a tug of his bow tie and arched an eyebrow, no mouthing or word-noises required.
Flim turned to the princess. “Why would you want that, anyway?”
It was Twilight’s turn to sweat obscenely.
Flim practically leapt, landing directly in front of Twilight. “Yes, what reason could a princess be so nervous about wanting a Princess Celestia look-alike around the castle, hmm?”
“I can imagine many reasons, dear brother,” Flam said, hounding Twilight from the left. “But I can’t say many of them are very innocent, shall we say.”
“I was asking for a friend,” Twilight said, swallowing, trying to fake a smile. “I’m all about friendship, after all, heh.”
“Let’s hope it’s not the kind of friendship with benefits, hmm?” Flim neared Twilight’s face with a broad grin that was far from fake. “I’ll tell you what, Princess. Throw in a few bits more, and we promise not to tell anyone about your particular inquiry, or the particularly scandalous color of your face as you inquired.”
Spike had never seen a sack of bits pass from one pony to another so quickly.
Flim and Flam telekinetically floated the changeling next to Twilight. Once they’d pocketed their earnings, they skipped down the road with their humble cart. “Adieu, Princess!” they sung in unison.
Twilight and the changeling stood on the doorstep. Neither made any sudden movements or word-noises. Both stood still as statues, Twilight’s neck tighter than the changeling’s jaw, and the changeling’s jaw almost as tight as Twilight’s neck.
Twilight coughed. “Have you ever tried to change into—”
“Let’s never,” the changeling said, bolting up and away.
“Yes. Okay. Good.” Twilight nodded as she hurried inside, her face still luminously red. “Yep. Bye.”
Spike put his hands on his hips. He looked at the fleeing Flim Flam brothers, then the fleeing changeling, then the fleeing princess. His eyebrows furrowing, he fled towards Twilight. “Hey Twilight, what did Flim mean by that ‘friendship with benefits’ thing?”
Flim gasped, and his brother Flim did the same.Okay, I know they’re hard to tell apart, but that’s a bit much. ;)
Eh. This one fell flat for me. Between the equine trafficking, the clumsy humor, and my personal distaste for Twilestia, there wasn’t a lot to make me positively inclined towards this story. Still, a lot of that is more on me than you, and if you don’t force the jokes as hard as you have, they should work better.
You're trying to tell the story you want to tell and shoehorn the characters into the roles you want them to play, and it doesn't feel like you're being true to the characters as a result.
Holy shit. This goes way beyond what Flim and Flam are capable of, even if you make the show less kid-friendly.
Why would they try to sell a slave to the Princess of Friendship, of all ponies? That doesn't make sense, especially considering all the schemes they could pull off with a changeling.
I really don't buy Twilight shifting from a tense situation where she's trying to save somepony's life immediately to her being horny and asking for something inappropriate in public. That felt weird and forced. When you're in a tense situation you don't just suddenly see a kink opening and become horny. There are too many other competing emotions to allow sex to come to the fore.
Just trust me on that one.
Flam held up a hoof, about ready to smack that feature into their product
Holy shit. This goes way beyond what Flim and Flam are capable of, even if you make the show less kid-friendly.
Why would they try to sell a slave to the Princess of Friendship, of all ponies? That doesn't make sense, especially considering all the schemes they could pull off with a changeling.
I really don't buy Twilight shifting from a tense situation where she's trying to save somepony's life immediately to her being horny and asking for something inappropriate in public. That felt weird and forced. When you're in a tense situation you don't just suddenly see a kink opening and become horny. There are too many other competing emotions to allow sex to come to the fore.
Just trust me on that one.
Hmmm... I concur with the other comments on the fact that the involved ponies acted out of character, but I think you can make it work. You need something to establish early on that this is black comedy, so that Twilight's fast turnaround and F&F's more reprehensible than usual business model are less jarring. They haven't to be things one expect, they only need to feel consistent with the world. Hard to do in less than 750 words, I know, but it' something that maybe you can do in an extended version.
I smiled but never really laughed out, which probably depends more from me than from the story.
Except for this sentence here:
Flam held up a hoof, about ready to smack that feature into their product
Once you are in the right mindset this sentence is wonderful.
Entertaining story that needs a better context.
I smiled but never really laughed out, which probably depends more from me than from the story.
Except for this sentence here:
Flam held up a hoof, about ready to smack that feature into their product
Once you are in the right mindset this sentence is wonderful.
Entertaining story that needs a better context.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I agree that the tone doesn’t fit the characters. That line is hillarious, though. A reworking as Orbiting_kettle suggested may help.
I agree that the tone doesn’t fit the characters. That line is hillarious, though. A reworking as Orbiting_kettle suggested may help.
I think the biggest issue here is like 'Why is Twilight not just freeing the Changeling and throwing them in prison at the same time'?
I mean, they have no legal right (presumably, otherwise Equestria has OTHER problems) to stand on here, so you know, she's totally justified in arresting them.
I mean, they have no legal right (presumably, otherwise Equestria has OTHER problems) to stand on here, so you know, she's totally justified in arresting them.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Plot twist: There's more than one changeling in this story.
Flim gasped, and his brother Flim did the same.Okay, I know they’re hard to tell apart, but that’s a bit much. ;)
Plot twist: There's more than one changeling in this story.
No Reason At All — B — First impression: Let Horizon out of those chains! (+) Nice situational comedy that could have been so much better (-) Although it isn’t pulled off very well. The two way Flimflam/Twilight interaction was not nearly as smooth as it needed to be for humor. Also, technically, only one of the brothers has a mustache.
...No Reason at All - Other than my EXTREME skepticism that there would be slavery OF ANY SORT in Equestria, I would see Twilight calling in the guard rather than paying for the changeling. Also this subject in general just leaves me feeling angry despite the attempt to play it up for laughs. Family Guy does this and although they get away with it a lot they should really be boiled in oil for belittling these sensitive and serious subjects and suggesting we give them anything but the attention they deserve. What's next? Blame the victim of domestic abuse because IT'S HER FAULT SHE'S STAYING WITH THE GUY?! (that is something Family Guy did btw)
Not that I think you'd do that intentionally, just saying you should look at what your stories imply below the most superficial levels. Slavery is bad and supporting slavers is bad, M'kay? If you want to put it in there please use it as something other than a cheep gimmick.
Edit: Cooled off a bit. I think what set me off was Twilight recognizing that 'Slavery was Bad' and then immediately disregarding that thought by asking Spike for some Bits. She was set on buying him from the beginning. That implied to me that things like slavery are so commonplace that they don't so much as give ponies pause anymore.
Not that I think you'd do that intentionally, just saying you should look at what your stories imply below the most superficial levels. Slavery is bad and supporting slavers is bad, M'kay? If you want to put it in there please use it as something other than a cheep gimmick.
Edit: Cooled off a bit. I think what set me off was Twilight recognizing that 'Slavery was Bad' and then immediately disregarding that thought by asking Spike for some Bits. She was set on buying him from the beginning. That implied to me that things like slavery are so commonplace that they don't so much as give ponies pause anymore.
I'm ashamed of this one. Want to kill self. However, thank you to all who read and gave feedback, I really apperciate it :)
>>FrontSevens
No need to be ashamed. As I said, there is the potential to be something great IMHO.
No need to be ashamed. As I said, there is the potential to be something great IMHO.
>>FrontSevens
Nothing to be ashamed of. This had its heart in the right place as character destruction comedy; commenters were thrown about the slavery thing but I'll bet at least some of them watched Friendship Is Witchcraft do the same thing without blinking. I think it could have worked going full crackfic … being subtler about its humor while being more blatant that it was completely unserious, if that makes sense?
Experimenting is the heart and soul of Writeoffs, and you — along with everyone who finished a fic — accomplished something here, even if the story could use polishing.
Plus you used me as a character, so there's that.* ^.^
--
* Flim hired me to put on a disguise kit and play his body double. Hey, it pays the rent.
Nothing to be ashamed of. This had its heart in the right place as character destruction comedy; commenters were thrown about the slavery thing but I'll bet at least some of them watched Friendship Is Witchcraft do the same thing without blinking. I think it could have worked going full crackfic … being subtler about its humor while being more blatant that it was completely unserious, if that makes sense?
Experimenting is the heart and soul of Writeoffs, and you — along with everyone who finished a fic — accomplished something here, even if the story could use polishing.
Plus you used me as a character, so there's that.* ^.^
--
* Flim hired me to put on a disguise kit and play his body double. Hey, it pays the rent.