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Sage Advice
The sun sinks over The Lonely Peak as our heroes journey to find the revered Sage of Blackrock Mountain. Among their number is Brush Hawk the Hippogryph Rogue from the Glenwood Forests, Hornstalk the Minotaur Paladin of Bullgaria, and Starcaller the Unicorn Mage of Arcanholt. Together they trod up the path towards a pair of lonely doors set into the mouth of a cave. Dusty and tired from the day's journeys Starcaller knocked upon the wood with her staff.
“Do you think he’s still here?” Hornstalk asked. “Every other house looked like it had a stampede run through it, and the sages were nowhere to be found.”
“He better be,” Hawk replied, “we’ve been looking for these sages for days. I don’t wanna have to tramp through another ‘dark forest of doom’ with you guys. No offence but eventually even killing Mirkwood Crawlers gets old.”
Starcaller knocked on the doors again before anxiously turning to the other two. “It’s our best bet. It’s far away from town so maybe The Dark Drake hasn’t gotten here yet.”
They waited for a few moments before Hawk spoke up. “Maybe we should just-”
At that moment the doors swung inwards to reveal an adolescent dragon in a brown smock and glasses. "May I help you?" the dragon asked.
"Thank Celestia you’re alright sage,” Starcaller said, bringing her hoof to to her chest in relief, “we were worried that-”
“I’m not the sage,” the dragon interjected, “I’m his scribe, Nail. Sage Cotton Ears is on vacation.”
“Well where is he?” Brush Hawk demanded, “Drakeovitch is probably after his life already and if we have to go save him I’m not going to be a happy bird."
Nail dismissed the notion with a wave of his claw. “I wouldn’t worry about Cotton. Drakeovitch hosts an event every now and then that all the sages are invited to. They go on a cruise, get massages, and talk philosophy. Bleh!”
“Pinkie...”
“What’s up Twilight?” Pinkie asked innocently, glancing up from the map and dice scattered before her.
“Why is he on vacation?” the unicorn asked, “And why would Drakeovitch be sending him on a cruise? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Silly Twilight.” she replied, “YOU said to make the game challenging, so I had Drakey read the Evil Overmare’s List. Any real Evil Overmare knows that when a band of heroes show up in town they should send all the sages and elderly mentors on vacation so they can’t help the heroes. It’s rookie stuff Twilight.”
“But Pinkie,” Rainbow said, a hoof pressed to her forehead in frustration, “if all the sages are off playing in the water, how are we supposed to get to the evil guy before he does his super ritual thing?”
“I have to agree with Dash on this one sugarcube.” Applejack nodded to the pegasus, “As much as I like searching abandoned buildings and wrastling critters, I’d like to move this here story along. Ain't there some way you could cut us a smidgen of slack?”
Pinkie let out a dramatic sigh and rolled her eyes. “I guess you could try asking Nail if he knows anything about secret rituals or passages into evil castles or anything. But-” she said, and leaned towards Applejack to whisper in a not so subtle manner, “you didn’t hear it from me!”
“Alrighty then,” Applejack said, “I ask the scribe if he knows anything about rituals or how to stop the Dark Drake Drakeovitch.”
“Roll it!” Pinkie said and the two each picked up a die and tossed it back to the table. Pinkie glanced at the results before looking down at her books.
“So Nail turns to you and says that, actually he’s not supposed to be taking to you cause Drakey is paying him not to help traveling bands of adventurers-”
Twilight levels a flat stare. “Pinkie.”
“-and he’s really sorry but Drakey has him under contract and breaking contract is super unhealthy.”
"Oh come on!” Rainbow says, “How are we supposed to get anything done if this guy’s one step ahead of us all the time?”
"Sorry Dashie, but story dictates character. It’s not my fault Drakey learned so much, I just gave him the list!”
“Do you think he’s still here?” Hornstalk asked. “Every other house looked like it had a stampede run through it, and the sages were nowhere to be found.”
“He better be,” Hawk replied, “we’ve been looking for these sages for days. I don’t wanna have to tramp through another ‘dark forest of doom’ with you guys. No offence but eventually even killing Mirkwood Crawlers gets old.”
Starcaller knocked on the doors again before anxiously turning to the other two. “It’s our best bet. It’s far away from town so maybe The Dark Drake hasn’t gotten here yet.”
They waited for a few moments before Hawk spoke up. “Maybe we should just-”
At that moment the doors swung inwards to reveal an adolescent dragon in a brown smock and glasses. "May I help you?" the dragon asked.
"Thank Celestia you’re alright sage,” Starcaller said, bringing her hoof to to her chest in relief, “we were worried that-”
“I’m not the sage,” the dragon interjected, “I’m his scribe, Nail. Sage Cotton Ears is on vacation.”
“Well where is he?” Brush Hawk demanded, “Drakeovitch is probably after his life already and if we have to go save him I’m not going to be a happy bird."
Nail dismissed the notion with a wave of his claw. “I wouldn’t worry about Cotton. Drakeovitch hosts an event every now and then that all the sages are invited to. They go on a cruise, get massages, and talk philosophy. Bleh!”
“Pinkie...”
“What’s up Twilight?” Pinkie asked innocently, glancing up from the map and dice scattered before her.
“Why is he on vacation?” the unicorn asked, “And why would Drakeovitch be sending him on a cruise? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Silly Twilight.” she replied, “YOU said to make the game challenging, so I had Drakey read the Evil Overmare’s List. Any real Evil Overmare knows that when a band of heroes show up in town they should send all the sages and elderly mentors on vacation so they can’t help the heroes. It’s rookie stuff Twilight.”
“But Pinkie,” Rainbow said, a hoof pressed to her forehead in frustration, “if all the sages are off playing in the water, how are we supposed to get to the evil guy before he does his super ritual thing?”
“I have to agree with Dash on this one sugarcube.” Applejack nodded to the pegasus, “As much as I like searching abandoned buildings and wrastling critters, I’d like to move this here story along. Ain't there some way you could cut us a smidgen of slack?”
Pinkie let out a dramatic sigh and rolled her eyes. “I guess you could try asking Nail if he knows anything about secret rituals or passages into evil castles or anything. But-” she said, and leaned towards Applejack to whisper in a not so subtle manner, “you didn’t hear it from me!”
“Alrighty then,” Applejack said, “I ask the scribe if he knows anything about rituals or how to stop the Dark Drake Drakeovitch.”
“Roll it!” Pinkie said and the two each picked up a die and tossed it back to the table. Pinkie glanced at the results before looking down at her books.
“So Nail turns to you and says that, actually he’s not supposed to be taking to you cause Drakey is paying him not to help traveling bands of adventurers-”
Twilight levels a flat stare. “Pinkie.”
“-and he’s really sorry but Drakey has him under contract and breaking contract is super unhealthy.”
"Oh come on!” Rainbow says, “How are we supposed to get anything done if this guy’s one step ahead of us all the time?”
"Sorry Dashie, but story dictates character. It’s not my fault Drakey learned so much, I just gave him the list!”
As an avid fan of Dungeons and Dragons, this story really amused me. It does a great job of capturing the atmosphere of a group of friends around the gaming table, tearing their hair out as they try to figure out what exactly they need to do—and clearly Pinkie is doing them no favours! All that said, I fail to really understand how exactly this lines up with the prompt. It's very solidly written and great fun to read, but I just don't see where "*Princess Not Included" comes into play.
Still, great job! Very fun, show-tone little story.
Still, great job! Very fun, show-tone little story.
Ouch. Tense shift in the very first paragraph.
This is genuinely amusing. Still, I do have to critique Pinkie’s DMing policy. If you don’t leave the players any possibility of success, you’re going to find no one will want to play with you in short order. Still, if my worst criticism is that one of the characters is doing something in character, you’re clearly doing something right. Especially since I didn't even notice the prompt disconnect until I read Argon's comment.
This is genuinely amusing. Still, I do have to critique Pinkie’s DMing policy. If you don’t leave the players any possibility of success, you’re going to find no one will want to play with you in short order. Still, if my worst criticism is that one of the characters is doing something in character, you’re clearly doing something right. Especially since I didn't even notice the prompt disconnect until I read Argon's comment.
Impression from paragraph one alone : This is a D&D story.
And yep! It was. I did like the twist though. I'd enjoy 'Pinkie Pie is unfair DM' as a story concept for something longer form.
That's the biggest weakness here, too - the D&D twist has been done in minifics before (I did it myself, once, clumsily), and they lend themselves better to longer stories. Expand this to a full-on whatnot and you have a better tale!
And yep! It was. I did like the twist though. I'd enjoy 'Pinkie Pie is unfair DM' as a story concept for something longer form.
That's the biggest weakness here, too - the D&D twist has been done in minifics before (I did it myself, once, clumsily), and they lend themselves better to longer stories. Expand this to a full-on whatnot and you have a better tale!
Unfortunately (it pains me to say this) but despite how much I enjoyed this, I had to rate this low on my list. And... it'll most likely stay around the bottom four as I keep reading stories. And the reason it pains me to say this, is because it's a good story! It's a nice, cute little story, and I liked it. However, the killer to this story is I don't see how this story relates to the prompt. There are some stories that very loosely interpreted the prompt, but I could still identify some sort of connection. Unfortunately, I can't see a connection in this one... and I think one of the key elements of this contest is who can write the best story adhering to the prompt, and this one neglects the prompt, which is a shame because I liked this story. I really did. The characters were done well, and despite it being an overused concept, I found enjoyment in it. It was adorable! And the idea was all there just... not for this particular prompt.
If another commenter can draw a connection from the story to the prompt I have no problem with reevaluating but as it stands, I can't see that connection. Sorry. :c
Also, a little bit of critique...
In the first paragraph there was a tense change. It wasn't a grand first impression but it wasn't a terrible one either. There were no other grammatical issues I saw, so I guess this was the only one. So... I guess not really critique, just watch out for tense changes next time.
If another commenter can draw a connection from the story to the prompt I have no problem with reevaluating but as it stands, I can't see that connection. Sorry. :c
Also, a little bit of critique...
In the first paragraph there was a tense change. It wasn't a grand first impression but it wasn't a terrible one either. There were no other grammatical issues I saw, so I guess this was the only one. So... I guess not really critique, just watch out for tense changes next time.
RPG, and especially D&D, are made to carry away their players into a fancy world. What we get here is a sort of D&D-Equestria counterpart but played in Equestria. That doesn't stack up.
I had an idea for a story like this, with Lyra playing a human, and some sort of other fancy races around, like a centaur "half-human". The fact that you don't project the players outside their world made the whole fic a bit meh for me.
I had an idea for a story like this, with Lyra playing a human, and some sort of other fancy races around, like a centaur "half-human". The fact that you don't project the players outside their world made the whole fic a bit meh for me.
This didn't do much for me in part because the characters failed to stand out. If you're going to have established characters roleplaying, we should be able to see aspects of those characters in the in-game characters they're playing. That's a huge missed opportunity. All we have here are some names with zero development.
As a gamemaster with a couple of decades of experience, Pinkie's misinterpretation of "making a game hard" isn't particularly humorous. There's probably a more amusing way to approach this than obscurantism on Pinkie's part.
As a gamemaster with a couple of decades of experience, Pinkie's misinterpretation of "making a game hard" isn't particularly humorous. There's probably a more amusing way to approach this than obscurantism on Pinkie's part.
I'm with >>Trick_Question on basically all points here. However, I will say that there's a good setup and strong technical correctness here. I liked the idea of the joke about giving the bad guy the Evil Overlord list, but I feel like it could have been used more strongly; perhaps by referencing more entries from it, and/or a less obscure one?
Tier: Needs Work
Tier: Needs Work
>>ArgonMatrix >>FanOfMostEverything >>ChappedPenguinLips >>devas
Woo! It's over and I can FINALLY address the prompt disconnect that you've all been seeing. Now I get why you saw it, I mean there were No Princesses Included in the story at ALL (I kid, I'm better than THAT), but TBH strict adherence to the prompt is less important to me than your thoughts on the piece and the actual accomplishment of the task itself.
As for the relation to the actual prompt, I brainstormed for a few hours and nothing princess-y peeked my interest, so I abstracted a bit. In the story I took the concept of the 'Princess' from the perspective of the old fairy tales where the knights were always saving them and I saw them as more of the 'prize' than as an actual position. From that perspective the prompt basically reads 'the thing you want is not here' or in a more pop-culture view 'your princess is in another castle'.
If Sage = Princess | Presence = False
Then *Princess Not Included = True
Glad to get that out there, do with it what you will. Anyway! Thanks everyone for commenting, I really appreciate it!
Woo! It's over and I can FINALLY address the prompt disconnect that you've all been seeing. Now I get why you saw it, I mean there were No Princesses Included in the story at ALL (I kid, I'm better than THAT), but TBH strict adherence to the prompt is less important to me than your thoughts on the piece and the actual accomplishment of the task itself.
As for the relation to the actual prompt, I brainstormed for a few hours and nothing princess-y peeked my interest, so I abstracted a bit. In the story I took the concept of the 'Princess' from the perspective of the old fairy tales where the knights were always saving them and I saw them as more of the 'prize' than as an actual position. From that perspective the prompt basically reads 'the thing you want is not here' or in a more pop-culture view 'your princess is in another castle'.
If Sage = Princess | Presence = False
Then *Princess Not Included = True
Glad to get that out there, do with it what you will. Anyway! Thanks everyone for commenting, I really appreciate it!
>>MrExtra
An interesting thought process, but the story didn't make that "Sage = Princess" connection at all clear. A shame; this was the only story in my top twenty that didn't make it into the finals.
An interesting thought process, but the story didn't make that "Sage = Princess" connection at all clear. A shame; this was the only story in my top twenty that didn't make it into the finals.
>>FanOfMostEverything Top twenty? That's... high praise, thank you. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that worked best in the story?
>>MrExtra
I'm a sucker for toying with narrative conventions, ponies playing RPGs, and Pinkie being Pinkie. If you had managed to throw in Derpy, you'd have hit nearly every positive button I have.
I'm a sucker for toying with narrative conventions, ponies playing RPGs, and Pinkie being Pinkie. If you had managed to throw in Derpy, you'd have hit nearly every positive button I have.
>>FanOfMostEverything
So you've read a lot of these types of stories in the past? One of the biggest problems I was running into when making this, and especially if I was to expand it at all, was the idea of shifting in and out of player and character worlds. The idea of having entire chapters dedicated to in game or out of game play seemed a disservice to the core concept but constantly switching would be potentially worse. Trying to balance the feeling of having both of them running at the same time from both perspectives without having a slurry of breaks is a concern. Have you seen anything that did it well?
Edit: Aaaaaand now you got me wanting to write it with a bunch of cameos. Derpy - the adorable shopkeep who keeps rolling ones. A trio of filly pirates who help our heroes break into a keep in a more effective but less subtle way than intended. A pair of brothers begging for protection from the drake because they sold him some faulty goods.
So you've read a lot of these types of stories in the past? One of the biggest problems I was running into when making this, and especially if I was to expand it at all, was the idea of shifting in and out of player and character worlds. The idea of having entire chapters dedicated to in game or out of game play seemed a disservice to the core concept but constantly switching would be potentially worse. Trying to balance the feeling of having both of them running at the same time from both perspectives without having a slurry of breaks is a concern. Have you seen anything that did it well?
Edit: Aaaaaand now you got me wanting to write it with a bunch of cameos. Derpy - the adorable shopkeep who keeps rolling ones. A trio of filly pirates who help our heroes break into a keep in a more effective but less subtle way than intended. A pair of brothers begging for protection from the drake because they sold him some faulty goods.
>>MrExtra
I recommend Prak's Roll for Initiative as one of the best examples of a ponies playing pen-and-paper pastimes pstory.
I recommend Prak's Roll for Initiative as one of the best examples of a ponies playing pen-and-paper pastimes pstory.