Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Writes entire story on day one.
Edits a tiny bit on day two.
Internet is completely gone on day three, and the file is stored on google docs.
Crap!
Well, I guess a small editing pass is better than nothing. *uploads with phone*
Edits a tiny bit on day two.
Internet is completely gone on day three, and the file is stored on google docs.
Crap!
Well, I guess a small editing pass is better than nothing. *uploads with phone*
"And that's why Pegasi are better than the other tribes!"
Anyway, this was an enjoyable tale, and a solid representation of a creationist myth that I might expect from canon. I'm assuming you were trying to replicate Dragonshy because if you weren't, the story was quite similar. Just saying.
The Introduction was a nice segway into the story, but the bit with Twilight at the end felt fairly unnecessary and killed the mood a bit. It's kind of like you're saying "Oh, and in case you didn't get it, this is Luna! She controls the moon! See those Thee's and Thou's?" It's just not necessary. If you're going to give indicators for the narrator, do it at the beginning (which you don't need to add - I got it the first time through).
Also - Yay, a story that manages to be about the past and Luna, but doesn't mention Nightmare Moon once!
Anyway, this was an enjoyable tale, and a solid representation of a creationist myth that I might expect from canon. I'm assuming you were trying to replicate Dragonshy because if you weren't, the story was quite similar. Just saying.
The Introduction was a nice segway into the story, but the bit with Twilight at the end felt fairly unnecessary and killed the mood a bit. It's kind of like you're saying "Oh, and in case you didn't get it, this is Luna! She controls the moon! See those Thee's and Thou's?" It's just not necessary. If you're going to give indicators for the narrator, do it at the beginning (which you don't need to add - I got it the first time through).
Also - Yay, a story that manages to be about the past and Luna, but doesn't mention Nightmare Moon once!
I actually finished one!
Needs another pass through, but there's plenty of time for that.
Needs another pass through, but there's plenty of time for that.
You have now left me with the mental image of a crotchety old Twilight trying (and failing) to use a smartphone. And Facebook. I'm sure the friend system would confound her.
Also, how could Twilight have an unpaid internship and be Princess at the same time?
Anyway, this is definitely a different interpretation from most of the other things I've read and has no obvious problem spots mechanically. A fun piece all around.
Also, how could Twilight have an unpaid internship and be Princess at the same time?
Anyway, this is definitely a different interpretation from most of the other things I've read and has no obvious problem spots mechanically. A fun piece all around.
I love the concept here, and you do well fitting it into 750 words. Very solid.
>>Morning Sun
As an extension of the previous sentence that Draco was saying, 'am' makes more sense here. That being said, it still sounds weird.
>>Morning Sun
As an extension of the previous sentence that Draco was saying, 'am' makes more sense here. That being said, it still sounds weird.
Why does Chrysalis even care if the princesses find out?
Anyway, this was a nice bit of fun. Just add a bit of background information like FOME was suggesting and it will be easier to get into it. It took me a bit of being confused before I rolled with it.
Anyway, this was a nice bit of fun. Just add a bit of background information like FOME was suggesting and it will be easier to get into it. It took me a bit of being confused before I rolled with it.
As others have said, the ending needs to make sense in the greater context. It just comes out of nowhere.
The idea here is solid, though. I think this just needed some extra development time and was constrained by the word limit.
The idea here is solid, though. I think this just needed some extra development time and was constrained by the word limit.
Terms And Conditions: Retrospective
Before we get into responses or what have you, I'd like to address the prompt connection. I use prompts as launch points - the final product doesn't necessarily relate to the prompt directly, but was thought of because of the prompt. There is always some connection to the prompt leftover after I finish writing and possibly rewrite - this one in particular was strenuous because I forgot to work the actual connection into the story. The reason this is related to the prompt is:
1) The title.
2) The fact that the word Include and the word Comprehend are synonyms.
This is... well, it's strenuous at best. I thought it was neat, in a self reflexive kind of way, but the end result was that no one knew the prompt connection and I probably got docked points.
Well, that's all for that. Feel free to tell me if you think that the above is unreasonable.
Thank you all for reviewing this story. I wasn't expecting it to do nearly as well as it did, especially after the prompt connection problem.
Responses!
>>Cold in Gardez
The thing is, he actually does say that. In fact, that's basically his first two lines:
I'm unsure what to do to fix it if that isn't obvious enough, since the sentence you gave as an example is a bit blatant. Yes, I can get away with a lot of tell in this format, but I try to avoid direct stuff like that. Suggestions?
>>Jupiter VII >>FanOfMostEverything
I definitely need to lock down Spike's vocabulary. Based on the pilot, he has trouble with words like precipice, but I'm pretty sure he would know the word sustenance. Either way, I need to expand or constrict his vocabulary, since it's erratic here.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
That was an editing error.
Thanks!
>>Orbiting_kettle>>TheCyanRecluse>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you!
>>Not_A_Hat
The phantasms were a red herring because I didn't really have a plan when I threw them in. I needed a symptom that Twilight would be able to see and recognize, but Spike and company wouldn't, since I wanted her to be making reports interspersed throughout. This was the most obvious choice. I need to either pick something else or give them real meaning, but in the intended context they were just there to let Twilight write the word phantasmagoria.
In terms of the headers, I realized after submission that the first two headers should have been different (Twilight is going through synonym sickness, after all.) I'll switch it up in an editing pass.
This is a magical malady - to Spike, the closest thing he's ever seen would most likely be poison joke. Zecora is the obvious choice to go to in this instance. On the other hand, I could make that much clearer, especially with more words.
Once again, thank you for all of your comments.
Before we get into responses or what have you, I'd like to address the prompt connection. I use prompts as launch points - the final product doesn't necessarily relate to the prompt directly, but was thought of because of the prompt. There is always some connection to the prompt leftover after I finish writing and possibly rewrite - this one in particular was strenuous because I forgot to work the actual connection into the story. The reason this is related to the prompt is:
1) The title.
2) The fact that the word Include and the word Comprehend are synonyms.
This is... well, it's strenuous at best. I thought it was neat, in a self reflexive kind of way, but the end result was that no one knew the prompt connection and I probably got docked points.
Well, that's all for that. Feel free to tell me if you think that the above is unreasonable.
Thank you all for reviewing this story. I wasn't expecting it to do nearly as well as it did, especially after the prompt connection problem.
Responses!
>>Cold in Gardez
The thing is, he actually does say that. In fact, that's basically his first two lines:
Twilight is trying to get me to write stuff, but I’m having troubles understanding her. I'm pretty sure the Synoni-ymy Sickness is doing something to her speech.
I'm unsure what to do to fix it if that isn't obvious enough, since the sentence you gave as an example is a bit blatant. Yes, I can get away with a lot of tell in this format, but I try to avoid direct stuff like that. Suggestions?
>>Jupiter VII >>FanOfMostEverything
I definitely need to lock down Spike's vocabulary. Based on the pilot, he has trouble with words like precipice, but I'm pretty sure he would know the word sustenance. Either way, I need to expand or constrict his vocabulary, since it's erratic here.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
That was an editing error.
Thanks!
>>Orbiting_kettle>>TheCyanRecluse>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you!
>>Not_A_Hat
The phantasms were a red herring because I didn't really have a plan when I threw them in. I needed a symptom that Twilight would be able to see and recognize, but Spike and company wouldn't, since I wanted her to be making reports interspersed throughout. This was the most obvious choice. I need to either pick something else or give them real meaning, but in the intended context they were just there to let Twilight write the word phantasmagoria.
In terms of the headers, I realized after submission that the first two headers should have been different (Twilight is going through synonym sickness, after all.) I'll switch it up in an editing pass.
This is a magical malady - to Spike, the closest thing he's ever seen would most likely be poison joke. Zecora is the obvious choice to go to in this instance. On the other hand, I could make that much clearer, especially with more words.
Once again, thank you for all of your comments.
The premise for this one is just too harsh for me, and has no justification except that it's trying to be funny. It works occasionally too, but Twilight losing Princess status for no reason doesn't really sell me a story, and the ending didn't make me laugh, it made me cringe.
I'm sure that some will enjoy, but I am not one of them. Sorry.
I'm sure that some will enjoy, but I am not one of them. Sorry.
I enjoy the premise, here, but I'm not getting as much out of the execution. The entire first part has a different tone from the section under the break - and while it is interesting, it's also just not necessary. I would recommend either tying it into the second part more directly to make it match tone or just removing it all together (not that I want you to do that, because you portray the Royal Senate quite well).
Either way, I did enjoy it.
Either way, I did enjoy it.