Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
A Battery of Excuses
It was about three o'clock in the morning, and Twilight Sparkle was reading in her study when she heard the first knock. It was a particularly good book she was reading, however—some sort of treatise on magic or something, as is her wont—so she ignored the first knock. Well, 'ignored' isn't quite the word; she just hoped it was nothing and kept reading.
It wasn't until the second knock minutes later, and then the third and so on, that Twilight groaned and placed the book back onto the shelf. With another huff, she trotted off down the hallway, scowling at the walls. Whoever was there, their reason had better be good.
Twilight paused at the front door of the castle and composed herself. With a sigh, she magically took hold of the door's handle and pulled it open. The cold air sent a shiver down her spine.
And then, she blinked. Of course.
"Oh Goddess... hi, Rarity," she breathed. "What... what's up?"
"Good evening, darling!" Rarity exclaimed. She bore a wide, mischievous grin. "I hope you find yourself well?"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Um, yeah, I was just reading. But it's a little later than the evening, don't you think?"
Rarity looked off into the air, and then looked back down at Twilight. It was at this moment Twilight noticed that Rarity's horn was twinkling with an iridescent blue glow. "I suppose it is... the hours do have a habit of getting away from us, do they not?"
"Yeah, I guess they do," Twilight replied, uneasy. Her eyes kept darting to either side of the mare standing in front of her. "So, erm, what brings you by?"
Rarity's face lit up. "Well I'm so glad you asked, darling! You see, I was having trouble going to sleep so I went through some of my things, to see if there was anything I could get rid of. And lo and behold...!"
She took the opportunity to levitate out the small object she had been hiding behind her back, and Twilight immediately recognised it as one of those fancy-schmancy new electric mane dryers, no magic necessary. "You're getting rid of this?" Twilight asked, cocking her head. "How come?"
Rarity let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "Well, darling, as you can see..." She levitated the package over to Twilight, allowing it to hover right by her eyes. "...it says that there are no batteries, and without them I cannot use the thing."
Indeed, as Rarity had said, small type on the back of the package read 'Batteries Not Included'. Twilight rolled her eyes.
"You realise you can just go down to the store and get some batteries, right?" Twilight asked. "Like, I think I have some in a drawer around. Hold on."
Luckily, Twilight had enough tact to remember to not slam the door; unfortunately, she didn't have enough tact to invite Rarity inside. Instead, the white unicorn merely stood there, slightly confused as she watched Twilight dig through drawers in the foyer. A minute passed, and then another.
"Found them!" Twilight finally exclaimed, yanking a small package from within the dresser. "Here ya go!" she said, levitating them over to Rarity.
"Erm, thanks," Rarity replied, clumsily grabbing the package of batteries. "I'll... be sure to try this out!"
"No problem!" Twilight smiled warmly. "Let me know if you need anything else, okay?" She turned, as if to trot back inside, and her magic enveloped the handle of the door.
"Actually... there is one thing," Rarity replied. Surprised, Twilight spun back around.
"Yes?"
"Could you check my back? I fear that an insect may have landed on it, but I cannot reach to check."
"Erm... sure." Twilight slowly trotted up to Rarity and peered around her neck to look at the fur on her back. And while there wasn't an insect perched up there... there were a few words in black ink. Twilight had to squint, leaning in closer to read them.
'Rarity. Hand wash only. Line dry. Princess not included.'
Twilight groaned. "Rarity..."
"Yes, darling?" Her voice was laced with mock innocence. "Did you get the bug?"
"...You're going to be the death of me," Twilight said, though she pulled the unicorn into a hug.
"I do try," Rarity replied, nuzzling Twilight's cheek. "Can I sleep over?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Of course. You could have just asked."
"Thank you, darling~"
And with that, the two ponies made their way into the cosy warm castle and shut the door tight behind them.
It wasn't until the second knock minutes later, and then the third and so on, that Twilight groaned and placed the book back onto the shelf. With another huff, she trotted off down the hallway, scowling at the walls. Whoever was there, their reason had better be good.
Twilight paused at the front door of the castle and composed herself. With a sigh, she magically took hold of the door's handle and pulled it open. The cold air sent a shiver down her spine.
And then, she blinked. Of course.
"Oh Goddess... hi, Rarity," she breathed. "What... what's up?"
"Good evening, darling!" Rarity exclaimed. She bore a wide, mischievous grin. "I hope you find yourself well?"
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Um, yeah, I was just reading. But it's a little later than the evening, don't you think?"
Rarity looked off into the air, and then looked back down at Twilight. It was at this moment Twilight noticed that Rarity's horn was twinkling with an iridescent blue glow. "I suppose it is... the hours do have a habit of getting away from us, do they not?"
"Yeah, I guess they do," Twilight replied, uneasy. Her eyes kept darting to either side of the mare standing in front of her. "So, erm, what brings you by?"
Rarity's face lit up. "Well I'm so glad you asked, darling! You see, I was having trouble going to sleep so I went through some of my things, to see if there was anything I could get rid of. And lo and behold...!"
She took the opportunity to levitate out the small object she had been hiding behind her back, and Twilight immediately recognised it as one of those fancy-schmancy new electric mane dryers, no magic necessary. "You're getting rid of this?" Twilight asked, cocking her head. "How come?"
Rarity let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "Well, darling, as you can see..." She levitated the package over to Twilight, allowing it to hover right by her eyes. "...it says that there are no batteries, and without them I cannot use the thing."
Indeed, as Rarity had said, small type on the back of the package read 'Batteries Not Included'. Twilight rolled her eyes.
"You realise you can just go down to the store and get some batteries, right?" Twilight asked. "Like, I think I have some in a drawer around. Hold on."
Luckily, Twilight had enough tact to remember to not slam the door; unfortunately, she didn't have enough tact to invite Rarity inside. Instead, the white unicorn merely stood there, slightly confused as she watched Twilight dig through drawers in the foyer. A minute passed, and then another.
"Found them!" Twilight finally exclaimed, yanking a small package from within the dresser. "Here ya go!" she said, levitating them over to Rarity.
"Erm, thanks," Rarity replied, clumsily grabbing the package of batteries. "I'll... be sure to try this out!"
"No problem!" Twilight smiled warmly. "Let me know if you need anything else, okay?" She turned, as if to trot back inside, and her magic enveloped the handle of the door.
"Actually... there is one thing," Rarity replied. Surprised, Twilight spun back around.
"Yes?"
"Could you check my back? I fear that an insect may have landed on it, but I cannot reach to check."
"Erm... sure." Twilight slowly trotted up to Rarity and peered around her neck to look at the fur on her back. And while there wasn't an insect perched up there... there were a few words in black ink. Twilight had to squint, leaning in closer to read them.
'Rarity. Hand wash only. Line dry. Princess not included.'
Twilight groaned. "Rarity..."
"Yes, darling?" Her voice was laced with mock innocence. "Did you get the bug?"
"...You're going to be the death of me," Twilight said, though she pulled the unicorn into a hug.
"I do try," Rarity replied, nuzzling Twilight's cheek. "Can I sleep over?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Of course. You could have just asked."
"Thank you, darling~"
And with that, the two ponies made their way into the cosy warm castle and shut the door tight behind them.
This was very cute!
The writing was solid, and Rarity and Twilight is always a treat to read. Your story is just 750 words, so all my complaints aren't really valid since they'd involve adding more to the story. Rarity's dialogues feel just a teensy bit off in some parts, but nothing too bad, and Twilight herself is very good.
The reveal was very cute, and I could totally hear Rarity's 'innocent' "Yes, darling?" at Twilight's questioning. I also really liked that if can be interpreted both as platonic or romantic, though I'm venturing a guess at saying it was romantic? I don't really feel like she'd be making up so many excuses for a normal friends sleep-over?
All in all, super cute!
The writing was solid, and Rarity and Twilight is always a treat to read. Your story is just 750 words, so all my complaints aren't really valid since they'd involve adding more to the story. Rarity's dialogues feel just a teensy bit off in some parts, but nothing too bad, and Twilight herself is very good.
The reveal was very cute, and I could totally hear Rarity's 'innocent' "Yes, darling?" at Twilight's questioning. I also really liked that if can be interpreted both as platonic or romantic, though I'm venturing a guess at saying it was romantic? I don't really feel like she'd be making up so many excuses for a normal friends sleep-over?
All in all, super cute!
It was a particularly good book she was reading, however—some sort of treatise on magic or something, as is her wont—so she ignored the first knock. Well, 'ignored' isn't quite the word; she just hoped it was nothing and kept reading.
These opening sentences are so bad that they nearly wrecked the story for me. They led me to expect the story to be bad.
- "some sort of treatise on magic or something": The odd vagueness gives a tone of upper-class 1920s English whimsy not matched by anything after the first paragraph, and informs us that we don't have access to Twilight's thoughts, and that the narrator doesn't really respect Twilight.
- "as is her wont": Now the narrator is from 16th century England. Also, this phrase is useless.
- "so she ignored the first knock. Well, 'ignored' isn't quite the word; she just hoped it was nothing and kept reading.": Why doesn't this just say "so she kept reading"? Also, now we're in Twilight's POV, which we were definitely not in last sentence.
The rest of the story is better-written.
Rarity says "darling" 5 times here. She says "darling" 21 times in seasons 1-4. (I used grep, not memory.)
Whatever you meant the narration’s vagueness regarding Twilgiht’s reading material to do, all it does for me is disrupt my sense of immersion. Nothing reminds readers they’re reading a story quite like the narrator hemming and hawing on details it should know. Backpedaling on previous word choices only exacerbates the matter.
Shouldn’t that be “hoof wash only”? Or was Rarity manufactured by minotaurs? ;)
As with Bad Horse, the opening left a bad taste in my mouth. The rest danced around the point in an irritating fashion. I don’t know if I’m not much of a romantic or if it’s just the poor first impression, but I was left more frustrated than anything by this story. Clean up the opening and we’ll see how it goes from there.
Shouldn’t that be “hoof wash only”? Or was Rarity manufactured by minotaurs? ;)
As with Bad Horse, the opening left a bad taste in my mouth. The rest danced around the point in an irritating fashion. I don’t know if I’m not much of a romantic or if it’s just the poor first impression, but I was left more frustrated than anything by this story. Clean up the opening and we’ll see how it goes from there.
The title is kind of clever but it made me want a different beginning also. I wanted a ton of excuses as to why Rarity was over at an ungodly time of night. In fact a lot of comedy could have happened as she tried to come up with new excuses to stick around just a bit longer possibly involving the need to get different oddly shaped batteries that are hard to find and even stuff like her curtains are too loud or the bed squeaks like a nest of mice.
It's got potential, it just needs some tweaking.
It's got potential, it just needs some tweaking.