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Burden of the Crystal Princess
Cadance stood before the Crystal Heart, frowning. It twinkled faintly in the low light of the empire, rotating with a gentle thrum. Cadance recalled the time when she would have found the noise soothing. That had been so long ago. Now she found it more eerie than anything, knowing what the Heart concealed.
Looking left, her mouth briefly flickered into a smile as her gaze found Flurry Heart. The child was sound asleep in her amethyst cradle, pristine as the day she’d been born. Cadance pondered how long it would stay that way.
It’ll all change tonight, if things go poorly, Cadance mused. Quashing the thought, Cadance swallowed her trepidation. She lifted Flurry Heart from the cradle, narrowed her focus on the Crystal Heart, and crossed the veil. A familiar chill crept down her spine as she entered the hidden realm, but nothing more—it frightened her how easy it had become to cross that barrier.
Bluish white mist swirled at her ankles, extending into oblivion in every direction. The soft thrum had grown into an ever-present chorus which swelled around her. The air itself was soft and inviting, if a little chilly. To anyone else it would seem the most serene place in the universe. Indeed, Cadance had felt that way herself upon her first visit.
She knew better now. She stole a quick glance at the turquoise barrier far above, shivered at the memory, and walked forward.
Too soon for her liking, Cadance reached her destination—a small, unassuming crystalline hill. It was a diminutive thing, failing to betray the importance it held. Ascending to the crest, Cadance felt a stone in her throat as her eyes fell upon the slumped, exhausted pony resting ahead. Her form was crumpled and weak-looking, but she would have been taller than Cadance could she have stood. Long tangles of raspberry hair gradated into a cobalt blue as they fell around her porcelain-white body.
“I’m back,” Cadance said. The pony didn’t stir. Cadance drew a bit closer. “Princess Amore?” she said, prodding her shoulder.
Amore flinched. She slowly turned to face Cadance. Heavy bags undercut the beauty in her eyes, emphasized by the constant golden sheen around her horn. She smiled. “She’s beautiful, Cadenza.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
Cadance looked to Flurry Heart—a tiny snot bubble had sprouted from her nose, and Cadance couldn’t help smiling. “Her name is Flurry Heart.”
Despite herself, Amore chuckled. “Fitting.” She turned away, gazing across the landscape. “She will make a fine heiress, I’m sure.”
Butterflies swirled in Cadance’s stomach. She stepped up beside Amore and said, “I came to make sure you were okay. After what happened to the Heart, I didn’t know what to expect.”
“It takes more than that to break these ties,” Amore said, failing to suppress a wince. “That said, it sap my energy quite profoundly.”
A pregnant silence followed—nothing more had to be said. They both knew the implications.
“How much longer can you last?” Cadance asked, sitting. When no answer came, she looked over at Amore—her gut fell out at the way Amore bit her lip. “A year?” Cadance posed. Amore’s face tightened. “A month?” Cadance whispered, her mouth going dry.
Amore shook her head. Tears welled in her eyes. “I grow tired, Cadenza. I have held this off for so long. I just… want to sleep.”
Cadance looked down, hearing the words but refusing to process them. She floated Flurry Heart closer and scooped her into her hooves. She held her daughter close to her bosom as her tears flowed freely. “This isn’t fair, Amore,” Cadance said, her eyes never leaving Flurry Heart. “I won’t even be there for her first birthday.”
“Nor will she have one, if Sombra’s curse sets in.” Amore rested a hoof on Cadance’s arm, but Cadance pulled away. “For the greater good, Cadenza.”
Closing her eyes, Cadance pictured the most precious ponies—Shining Armor, Twilight, Celestia and Luna, and Flurry Heart too. She saw their faces blotted out by an ancient, titanic shadow. She opened her eyes, looking upon her child’s face one more time.
“At least give me some time to say goodbye,” Cadance muttered. “To everyone.”
Amore leaned her head on Cadance’s shoulder. It took a moment, but Cadance returned the gesture in kind. “I’m sorry, Cadenza,” Amore said. “I wish this mantle was not yours to bear.”
Cadance nodded and said nothing. The two of them sat atop that hill for a very, very long time.
Looking left, her mouth briefly flickered into a smile as her gaze found Flurry Heart. The child was sound asleep in her amethyst cradle, pristine as the day she’d been born. Cadance pondered how long it would stay that way.
It’ll all change tonight, if things go poorly, Cadance mused. Quashing the thought, Cadance swallowed her trepidation. She lifted Flurry Heart from the cradle, narrowed her focus on the Crystal Heart, and crossed the veil. A familiar chill crept down her spine as she entered the hidden realm, but nothing more—it frightened her how easy it had become to cross that barrier.
Bluish white mist swirled at her ankles, extending into oblivion in every direction. The soft thrum had grown into an ever-present chorus which swelled around her. The air itself was soft and inviting, if a little chilly. To anyone else it would seem the most serene place in the universe. Indeed, Cadance had felt that way herself upon her first visit.
She knew better now. She stole a quick glance at the turquoise barrier far above, shivered at the memory, and walked forward.
Too soon for her liking, Cadance reached her destination—a small, unassuming crystalline hill. It was a diminutive thing, failing to betray the importance it held. Ascending to the crest, Cadance felt a stone in her throat as her eyes fell upon the slumped, exhausted pony resting ahead. Her form was crumpled and weak-looking, but she would have been taller than Cadance could she have stood. Long tangles of raspberry hair gradated into a cobalt blue as they fell around her porcelain-white body.
“I’m back,” Cadance said. The pony didn’t stir. Cadance drew a bit closer. “Princess Amore?” she said, prodding her shoulder.
Amore flinched. She slowly turned to face Cadance. Heavy bags undercut the beauty in her eyes, emphasized by the constant golden sheen around her horn. She smiled. “She’s beautiful, Cadenza.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
Cadance looked to Flurry Heart—a tiny snot bubble had sprouted from her nose, and Cadance couldn’t help smiling. “Her name is Flurry Heart.”
Despite herself, Amore chuckled. “Fitting.” She turned away, gazing across the landscape. “She will make a fine heiress, I’m sure.”
Butterflies swirled in Cadance’s stomach. She stepped up beside Amore and said, “I came to make sure you were okay. After what happened to the Heart, I didn’t know what to expect.”
“It takes more than that to break these ties,” Amore said, failing to suppress a wince. “That said, it sap my energy quite profoundly.”
A pregnant silence followed—nothing more had to be said. They both knew the implications.
“How much longer can you last?” Cadance asked, sitting. When no answer came, she looked over at Amore—her gut fell out at the way Amore bit her lip. “A year?” Cadance posed. Amore’s face tightened. “A month?” Cadance whispered, her mouth going dry.
Amore shook her head. Tears welled in her eyes. “I grow tired, Cadenza. I have held this off for so long. I just… want to sleep.”
Cadance looked down, hearing the words but refusing to process them. She floated Flurry Heart closer and scooped her into her hooves. She held her daughter close to her bosom as her tears flowed freely. “This isn’t fair, Amore,” Cadance said, her eyes never leaving Flurry Heart. “I won’t even be there for her first birthday.”
“Nor will she have one, if Sombra’s curse sets in.” Amore rested a hoof on Cadance’s arm, but Cadance pulled away. “For the greater good, Cadenza.”
Closing her eyes, Cadance pictured the most precious ponies—Shining Armor, Twilight, Celestia and Luna, and Flurry Heart too. She saw their faces blotted out by an ancient, titanic shadow. She opened her eyes, looking upon her child’s face one more time.
“At least give me some time to say goodbye,” Cadance muttered. “To everyone.”
Amore leaned her head on Cadance’s shoulder. It took a moment, but Cadance returned the gesture in kind. “I’m sorry, Cadenza,” Amore said. “I wish this mantle was not yours to bear.”
Cadance nodded and said nothing. The two of them sat atop that hill for a very, very long time.
The writing here is stellar, with just the right amount of description, and I like your characterisation of Cadance. Your descriptions are well-balanced between simplicity and flair, and though the beginning starts off with a few choppy sentences, the language flows pretty well through the rest.
The idea behind it... I think I like it? My biggest issue is that I find it too subtle to truly know what's going on. I understand that there is some sort of great evil Sombra has caused, but I'm not sure exactly about the Mi Amore/Cadenza distinction. Like, are they two actual, physical ponies? Personalities? Is Cadenza giving herself up to that domain permanently, or only for a time? (Like, do they switch off?) Really, I would just love to know more about what's going on.
(Disclaimer: Maybe it is more obvious, and I am just an idiot.)
The idea behind it... I think I like it? My biggest issue is that I find it too subtle to truly know what's going on. I understand that there is some sort of great evil Sombra has caused, but I'm not sure exactly about the Mi Amore/Cadenza distinction. Like, are they two actual, physical ponies? Personalities? Is Cadenza giving herself up to that domain permanently, or only for a time? (Like, do they switch off?) Really, I would just love to know more about what's going on.
(Disclaimer: Maybe it is more obvious, and I am just an idiot.)
I enjoyed the story. It was subtle, somber and yet easy to understand. If it were a longer story I'd probably want some more details regarding the particulars of the curse and some of the inferred details and how Cadence felt when she found out but, as it stands it's nice story.
I feel like I'm missing some clue here which would allow me to fully understand the relationship between the two characters. As it is now, I have a couple of theories but no hint on which one is more probable.
That said, the writing is very good, describing the right amount to allow us to put together a rather coherent and eerie image. The concept is interesting and, while I would read an extended version, self contained enough to be still satisfactory.
Beautiful story that hints at something larger but maybe is a bit too subtle to allow me a full understanding.
That said, the writing is very good, describing the right amount to allow us to put together a rather coherent and eerie image. The concept is interesting and, while I would read an extended version, self contained enough to be still satisfactory.
Beautiful story that hints at something larger but maybe is a bit too subtle to allow me a full understanding.
There’s a powerful tragedy here, but at times, it’s obscured by the word choice. The paragraph starting with “Too soon for her liking” is especially loaded with odd constructions and thesaurus abuse.
Still, the underlying story is a poignant one, and an interesting way to integrate comic and show canon. Clean it up a little (and maybe explain precisely how princess and Heart interact) and this will be a beautiful tragedy.
>>Pastoral >>Misternick >>Orbiting_kettle
If I'm interpreting this correctly, it's a reference to the IDW comics, wherein Princess Amore was the ruler of the Crystal Empire before Sombra conquered it and the Crystal Heart was sealing away a race of shadow demon creatures called the Umbrum, which created Sombra by wrapping one of their own in an equine guise. Granted, there are a number of alterations here from that base, but I believe that's the inspiration.
Still, the underlying story is a poignant one, and an interesting way to integrate comic and show canon. Clean it up a little (and maybe explain precisely how princess and Heart interact) and this will be a beautiful tragedy.
>>Pastoral >>Misternick >>Orbiting_kettle
If I'm interpreting this correctly, it's a reference to the IDW comics, wherein Princess Amore was the ruler of the Crystal Empire before Sombra conquered it and the Crystal Heart was sealing away a race of shadow demon creatures called the Umbrum, which created Sombra by wrapping one of their own in an equine guise. Granted, there are a number of alterations here from that base, but I believe that's the inspiration.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Yeah! For once, FoME skewers someone else for thesaurus abuse and odd constructions. :happy!:
The paragraph starting with “Too soon for her liking” is especially loaded with odd constructions and thesaurus abuse.
Yeah! For once, FoME skewers someone else for thesaurus abuse and odd constructions. :happy!:
Alright, this scrapes directly across one of my biggest pet peeves. "Little did she know!" I don't like this sort of foreshadowing. It always feels ham-fisted to me, telling where you should be showing, leaving the reader purposefully in the dark in the worst ways.
Well, I may over-react to it too, but still. I think it's inelegant, even if other people don't find it quite as annoying as I do. The only foreshadowing here that I liked at all was when she looked at Flurry Heart.
The story itself is pretty good, though. You've picked a fairly evocative subject and the prose is solid, even if I have no idea where this other princess comes from or why the crystal heart should work this way or what Sombra's curse even is. I mean, I can handwave some of that, but...
Ech, I'll stop nitpicking. Sorry.
Well, I may over-react to it too, but still. I think it's inelegant, even if other people don't find it quite as annoying as I do. The only foreshadowing here that I liked at all was when she looked at Flurry Heart.
The story itself is pretty good, though. You've picked a fairly evocative subject and the prose is solid, even if I have no idea where this other princess comes from or why the crystal heart should work this way or what Sombra's curse even is. I mean, I can handwave some of that, but...
Ech, I'll stop nitpicking. Sorry.
Burden of the Crystal Princess — A — First impression: Huh? (+) A rich story, full of deep thoughtful consideration of just what power holds the Crystal Empire in place, and at what cost. (-) It took me two readings through to catch it, and I’m still a little conflicted on the meaning of it all. I’m a shallow-water reader at heart, I suppose.
Hey, 19th ain't half-bad for my first time in one of these—I'll take it! I also have the distinguished honor(?) of having the second-most controversial story in the finals, which admittedly surprises me. I didn't know how well people would take to this concept, and I guess it varies pretty wildly from person to person.
I've had this story idea in the back of my head for a while now. For those who are still confused by it, the basic premise is that King Sombra, before he was defeated way in the past, placed some sort of curse on the Crystal Heart that prevented it from functioning on its own power. Princess Amore, the first ruler of the Crystal Empire, effectively sacrificed herself by going into permanent stasis within the Crystal Heart, powering it with her own life force and magical essence. When Cadance took over leadership of the Empire, she discovered Princess Amore within the heart, very weak from having maintained the Crystal Heart's magic for over a thousand years. Princess Amore told Cadance that, when the time came and Amore could no longer support the Crystal Heart, Cadance would have to take up her mantle in order to protect the Empire. Amore still had enough strength to uphold the Heart for several decades, theoretically giving Cadance plenty of time to enjoy her life for that time. When Flurry Heart shattered the Crystal Heart, however, that strained Amore's power immensely, essentially fast-tracking the process and giving Cadance very little time with which to enjoy her last moments of free life.
Now, fitting all of that into a minific was simply out of the question—and perhaps it was folly on my part to stick with the concept at all, knowing that it would likely be confusing in such a short space—so I did my best to show one of the more poignant moments in that story arc as well as giving subtle hints at what exactly had happened to lead up to this moment. Obviously it worked for some, but not for others.
I'm tempted to write this all up in a long-form story, but that might interfere with some other planned stories I have going on the back burner. Still, it would be fun, interesting, and would allow me to give a more complete story arc to this concept as well as answer some questions that would no doubt arise from such a concept (Why did Amore have to maintain the Crystal Heart even while the Empire was in exile? Could Sombra's curse somehow be removed from the Heart, eliminating the need for Amore/Cadance to uphold its power? Couldn't the citizens of the Empire simply relocate themselves across Equestria, allowing the Empire to fall so that Cadance could maintain her freedom? Et cetera). For now, though, I'll settle for answering some of the issues mentioned here.
>>Pastoral >>Misternick >>Orbiting_kettle >>FanOfMostEverything >>georg
Thank you all for your feedback! Hopefully the little blurb above helps to elucidate some of the meaning and details that I couldn't work into such a short space. I also didn't realize that Princess Amore was such a niche character—I figured she was fairly recognizable, but I guess not everyone keeps up with the comics, so that's my bad for adding a potential extra layer of confusion for some of you.
>>Not_A_Hat
That's definitely not the feeling I was trying to evoke, and I apologize if it came across that way for you. I was trying to get across an ever-present feeling of dread—the idea that, in the back of her mind, Cadance knew what was coming but was trying not to acknowledge it until it was absolute. The revelation wasn't meant to catch her, or the reader, entirely off-guard. And I certainly didn't want to leave the reader in the dark like that. If you have any suggestions on how I could avoid such a pitfall in the future, I'd love to hear it! Always looking for ways to improve.
I've had this story idea in the back of my head for a while now. For those who are still confused by it, the basic premise is that King Sombra, before he was defeated way in the past, placed some sort of curse on the Crystal Heart that prevented it from functioning on its own power. Princess Amore, the first ruler of the Crystal Empire, effectively sacrificed herself by going into permanent stasis within the Crystal Heart, powering it with her own life force and magical essence. When Cadance took over leadership of the Empire, she discovered Princess Amore within the heart, very weak from having maintained the Crystal Heart's magic for over a thousand years. Princess Amore told Cadance that, when the time came and Amore could no longer support the Crystal Heart, Cadance would have to take up her mantle in order to protect the Empire. Amore still had enough strength to uphold the Heart for several decades, theoretically giving Cadance plenty of time to enjoy her life for that time. When Flurry Heart shattered the Crystal Heart, however, that strained Amore's power immensely, essentially fast-tracking the process and giving Cadance very little time with which to enjoy her last moments of free life.
Now, fitting all of that into a minific was simply out of the question—and perhaps it was folly on my part to stick with the concept at all, knowing that it would likely be confusing in such a short space—so I did my best to show one of the more poignant moments in that story arc as well as giving subtle hints at what exactly had happened to lead up to this moment. Obviously it worked for some, but not for others.
I'm tempted to write this all up in a long-form story, but that might interfere with some other planned stories I have going on the back burner. Still, it would be fun, interesting, and would allow me to give a more complete story arc to this concept as well as answer some questions that would no doubt arise from such a concept (Why did Amore have to maintain the Crystal Heart even while the Empire was in exile? Could Sombra's curse somehow be removed from the Heart, eliminating the need for Amore/Cadance to uphold its power? Couldn't the citizens of the Empire simply relocate themselves across Equestria, allowing the Empire to fall so that Cadance could maintain her freedom? Et cetera). For now, though, I'll settle for answering some of the issues mentioned here.
>>Pastoral >>Misternick >>Orbiting_kettle >>FanOfMostEverything >>georg
Thank you all for your feedback! Hopefully the little blurb above helps to elucidate some of the meaning and details that I couldn't work into such a short space. I also didn't realize that Princess Amore was such a niche character—I figured she was fairly recognizable, but I guess not everyone keeps up with the comics, so that's my bad for adding a potential extra layer of confusion for some of you.
>>Not_A_Hat
That's definitely not the feeling I was trying to evoke, and I apologize if it came across that way for you. I was trying to get across an ever-present feeling of dread—the idea that, in the back of her mind, Cadance knew what was coming but was trying not to acknowledge it until it was absolute. The revelation wasn't meant to catch her, or the reader, entirely off-guard. And I certainly didn't want to leave the reader in the dark like that. If you have any suggestions on how I could avoid such a pitfall in the future, I'd love to hear it! Always looking for ways to improve.
>>ArgonMatrix No need to apologize; I don't regret reading it or anything. And I'll say again that this very much is something of a peeve of mine. I think it affects me inordinately compared to others, but I'm not sure how to compensate for that, so the best I can do is tell people and admit I may not be in their target audience.
I've spent a bit of time thinking about this, and I'll PM you what I've written on FimFiction. Since we don't have proper notifications here, I can't be certain you'll see it.
...and it got kinda long and rambly. :P
I've spent a bit of time thinking about this, and I'll PM you what I've written on FimFiction. Since we don't have proper notifications here, I can't be certain you'll see it.
...and it got kinda long and rambly. :P