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The late afternoon sun baked the apple orchard almost as well as a convection oven. Through the haze a lone red stallion could be seen working his way back towards the barn at the edge of the fields, a bushel balanced carefully upon his sweat soaked back. To say that the basket was overladen would have been a mild understatement. Apples of various size, roundness, and sheen threatened to fall from the container.
Usually Big Macintosh was more careful and carried lighter loads. Losing apples to spillage would be embarrassing and earn him a proper chewing out from Granny Smith, probably about youngsters always being in such a hurry, but today was a special day. He had wanted to finish the day's gathering chores early and by overloading each basket he had carried that day, he would now finish a whole hour early. He would have plenty of time before the mailmare came with the afternoon delivery
The final bushel of apples landed on the floor of the cider cellar with a hearty thud. Big Mac surveyed the piles of apples that surrounded him and made sure that he had met the day's harvest requirements. When he was satisfied with the amount, he allowed himself a few moments to enjoy the cooler air of the storage space under the barn before galloping back to the family house.
He briefly considered waiting on the porch, but the mere thought of what was going to arrive made him feel giddy inside. He quickly made his way up to his room, closed the door, and pulled a magazine out from under his bed. He dropped himself gracelessly onto the bed and began to hoof through pages until he came to the ad that had started the long ordeal that would finally culminate with today's delivery.
"Talking Princess Celestia Doll" read the advertisement. Big Mac grinned and couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of finally having a piece of Princess merchandise to call his own, one that could talk, no less. He wondered whether the tinkers had managed to actually replicate the Princess' voice or whether it was going to sound all-
His green eyes widened with shock as he saw the top portion of the ad that had been previously blocked by the mail-in order form that he had torn out and sent out to make the purchase.
"Batteries"
"Not Included-"
His heart sank as he realized that, unless there were some spare batteries lying around the farm, he was going to have to wait even longer before he could truly enjoy his purchase.
He quickly checked under his bed, in his closet, in his (mysteriously present) dressers, but to no avail.
He rushed downstairs, checked in the cupboards, the pantry, the linen closets.
Again, nothing.
He began to sweat more than he had out in the orchard. This couldn't be happening! He had waited so long! And Applejack had said that while she was in town, the mailmare had told her that a package had arrived for him and that it would be delivered on the afternoon mail route.
He rushed to the tool shed.
Nothing.
Then he suddenly remembered, there was a flashlight back in the barn. It would have batteries!
He galloped as fast as he could, and almost bucked the doors right off the barn.
The flashlight was resting where he had last seen it, atop a hay bale. He grabbed the metal tube in his mouth and unscrewed it with an alacrity that would have shamed Rainbow Dash. The batteries fell out and landed on the floor. He heaved a sigh of relief.
Success.
On his way back to the house, batteries in hoof, he saw the form of the mailmare flying away from the farm.
He quickly galloped to the porch and saw the package.
Wasting no time, he hefted the surprisingly heavy parcel and took it to his room. He set the two batteries on his bedside table and then tore the package open, revealing a good deal of packing material. He hoofed through the top of it and stared, confused. He upended the box on the bed, spilling out the contents.
It was a pile of batteries.
Next to the pile, he saw the magazine ad again. His eyes narrowed as he separated the statements line by line.
"Batteries"
"Not Included-"
"Talking Princess Celestia Doll"
And then he saw, in ultra fine print, the Flim-Flam brothers logo.
Even Granny Smith heard the resulting expletive.
Usually Big Macintosh was more careful and carried lighter loads. Losing apples to spillage would be embarrassing and earn him a proper chewing out from Granny Smith, probably about youngsters always being in such a hurry, but today was a special day. He had wanted to finish the day's gathering chores early and by overloading each basket he had carried that day, he would now finish a whole hour early. He would have plenty of time before the mailmare came with the afternoon delivery
The final bushel of apples landed on the floor of the cider cellar with a hearty thud. Big Mac surveyed the piles of apples that surrounded him and made sure that he had met the day's harvest requirements. When he was satisfied with the amount, he allowed himself a few moments to enjoy the cooler air of the storage space under the barn before galloping back to the family house.
He briefly considered waiting on the porch, but the mere thought of what was going to arrive made him feel giddy inside. He quickly made his way up to his room, closed the door, and pulled a magazine out from under his bed. He dropped himself gracelessly onto the bed and began to hoof through pages until he came to the ad that had started the long ordeal that would finally culminate with today's delivery.
"Talking Princess Celestia Doll" read the advertisement. Big Mac grinned and couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of finally having a piece of Princess merchandise to call his own, one that could talk, no less. He wondered whether the tinkers had managed to actually replicate the Princess' voice or whether it was going to sound all-
His green eyes widened with shock as he saw the top portion of the ad that had been previously blocked by the mail-in order form that he had torn out and sent out to make the purchase.
"Batteries"
"Not Included-"
His heart sank as he realized that, unless there were some spare batteries lying around the farm, he was going to have to wait even longer before he could truly enjoy his purchase.
He quickly checked under his bed, in his closet, in his (mysteriously present) dressers, but to no avail.
He rushed downstairs, checked in the cupboards, the pantry, the linen closets.
Again, nothing.
He began to sweat more than he had out in the orchard. This couldn't be happening! He had waited so long! And Applejack had said that while she was in town, the mailmare had told her that a package had arrived for him and that it would be delivered on the afternoon mail route.
He rushed to the tool shed.
Nothing.
Then he suddenly remembered, there was a flashlight back in the barn. It would have batteries!
He galloped as fast as he could, and almost bucked the doors right off the barn.
The flashlight was resting where he had last seen it, atop a hay bale. He grabbed the metal tube in his mouth and unscrewed it with an alacrity that would have shamed Rainbow Dash. The batteries fell out and landed on the floor. He heaved a sigh of relief.
Success.
On his way back to the house, batteries in hoof, he saw the form of the mailmare flying away from the farm.
He quickly galloped to the porch and saw the package.
Wasting no time, he hefted the surprisingly heavy parcel and took it to his room. He set the two batteries on his bedside table and then tore the package open, revealing a good deal of packing material. He hoofed through the top of it and stared, confused. He upended the box on the bed, spilling out the contents.
It was a pile of batteries.
Next to the pile, he saw the magazine ad again. His eyes narrowed as he separated the statements line by line.
"Batteries"
"Not Included-"
"Talking Princess Celestia Doll"
And then he saw, in ultra fine print, the Flim-Flam brothers logo.
Even Granny Smith heard the resulting expletive.
The use of 'convection oven' felt anachronistic, but it got off to a good start otherwise. I liked the steady buildup of the piece. Big Mac's princess focus was amusing. Mechanically it was solid.
I did have some trouble with the ending; the premise felt a little too stretched to take seriously. That said, I can appreciate the humor in the reversal of the 'batteries not included line'
So while the fic didn't quite land for me, it was still fun.
I did have some trouble with the ending; the premise felt a little too stretched to take seriously. That said, I can appreciate the humor in the reversal of the 'batteries not included line'
So while the fic didn't quite land for me, it was still fun.
This felt excessively wordy at times, which is actually something of an accomplishment in an minific. Still, it feels like the narrative lingered on the setup just a bit too much. After that, it did a great job of building up anticipation and desperation. I’d question how disclaimer could be blocked by a mail order form on a presumably two-dimensional advertisement, but these are the Flimflams we’re talking about.
Tone down the opening grandiosity a little and this will be quite enjoyable.
Tone down the opening grandiosity a little and this will be quite enjoyable.
With a little reworking I think this story could have started with the third paragraph. Not that the first two are poorly written mind you, but the third paragraph is when the story truly starts up. After that it's a fun little scam story and frankly I thought the ending was funny.
Well, this was certainly an interesting twist on the prompt. Its premise is just cracky enough that the double subversion coming back to the prompt drop felt audacious enough to work, and you managed to lampshade the idea enough that I bought it.
It would be stronger tighter, I think (as the others have noted). And I do have to say that the last line didn't really land for me; for a story that otherwise worked so hard on its character portrayal, it felt like you hedged on that at the last moment for a cheap gag, and if that was intentional (the shaggy-dog effect), a mere implied F-bomb isn't funny enough to feel like it justifies the derail. On the other hoof, I think the impulse to end on a punchline was a good one, because the premise here is crazy enough that playing it straight would have felt weird. This just needs a better punchline, I think. Maybe without the word limit you can make the discovery what escalates the story into the climax, rather than treating it as the climax itself? Doubling down on Big Mac trying to resolve this new problem while maintaining his stoic facade has potential to wring further comedy out.
So there are things to work on here, but this has its heart in the right place.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
It would be stronger tighter, I think (as the others have noted). And I do have to say that the last line didn't really land for me; for a story that otherwise worked so hard on its character portrayal, it felt like you hedged on that at the last moment for a cheap gag, and if that was intentional (the shaggy-dog effect), a mere implied F-bomb isn't funny enough to feel like it justifies the derail. On the other hoof, I think the impulse to end on a punchline was a good one, because the premise here is crazy enough that playing it straight would have felt weird. This just needs a better punchline, I think. Maybe without the word limit you can make the discovery what escalates the story into the climax, rather than treating it as the climax itself? Doubling down on Big Mac trying to resolve this new problem while maintaining his stoic facade has potential to wring further comedy out.
So there are things to work on here, but this has its heart in the right place.
Tier: Flawed but Fun