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Introduction to Amareican Civics
A moon after cutting Celestia’s apron strings, Sunset Shimmer thought she was doing quite well for herself.
She’d come into this world with only three things to her name: a strange new body, the clothes that had appeared on her back, and saddlebags full of money. Exchanging the last into local currency had taken some fast talking in a world where they still had to hunt and gather gems and gold, but that was foal’s play to a mare who could consistently dupe the Mistress of the Sun. Finding a place to stay had been trickier, but still manageable, even if she’d had to deal with some unsavory characters.
Compared to her other preparations, school had been laughably simple. The admissions process had been nothing compared to the exams of the true Celestia’s school; the hardest part had been not sneering at the princess’s pale reflection. Once she was in, Sunset had started gathering vital information about how this world worked, laying low until she could blend in properly and climb the social ladder. By the time the portal reopened, she could prove her readiness to rule at Celestia’s side.
Of course, to do that, she needed to know how rulership worked in this world, or at least this country. Research wasn’t Sunset’s first choice, but practical experience wouldn’t help; student government was as much of a farce here as it was in Canterlot. She knew from the daily loyalty oath that she was in the Federated States of Amareica, and that was enough to go on.
Finding the time was easy; the gym teachers were hardly even trying to hide the skeletons in their closets, and Miss Cheerilee seemed to silently approve of skipping PE in the first place, especially in favor of reading. A rare sign of enlightenment in this often barbaric world, as far as Sunset was concerned. By some mercy, the library used the Dewdrop Decimal System, even if there was a sad lack of material in the one-thirties, where magic should have been.
Nonetheless, Sunset began her research.
“What.”
She stared at the text. It refused to shift to something more rational. She grabbed a different book, just in case there had been some kind of horrible, enormous misprint.
“What.”
Sunset understood mayoral elections. Celestia couldn’t be expected to micromanage down to the municipal level, not when she had all of Equestria to worry about. Earth pony political traditions provided an answer. And yes, this world’s Celestia was only a school administrator and lacked her counterpart’s countless centuries of experience. But to have the ultimate authority of the nation in constant flux…
No. Surely there had to be some rational limiter to this political chaos. Sunset kept researching.
It only got worse.
Polarizing ideological oligopoly, with the two sides unable to agree even on how to choose their candidates. Primary schedules constantly vying for greater provincial significance. The bizarre insanity that was the Electoral College.
Her hands shaking, Sunset the books back in their proper places. No sense in angering one of the few civilized people in the world. Slowly, her vision blurring from the nonsense she’d consumed, she made her way to the computers. Maybe… Maybe there had been changes since those books had been printed. Improvements. Attempts to bring logic and order to this nightmarish political system.
Sunset sat and took a deep breath, steadying herself for a moment. She’d figured out how to use the devices through tacit observation and careful trial and error. Working a search engine would be simple enough. She got out a notebook and a pencil, ready to take notes on how the system had changed in the last few years. Surely it had been for the better. Surely.
The paper stayed blank for half an hour. Finally, Sunset scrawled a few words, tore the page to shreds, and crammed it into the first wastebasket she could find as she fled the library.
She’d come into this world with only three things to her name: a strange new body, the clothes that had appeared on her back, and saddlebags full of money. Exchanging the last into local currency had taken some fast talking in a world where they still had to hunt and gather gems and gold, but that was foal’s play to a mare who could consistently dupe the Mistress of the Sun. Finding a place to stay had been trickier, but still manageable, even if she’d had to deal with some unsavory characters.
Compared to her other preparations, school had been laughably simple. The admissions process had been nothing compared to the exams of the true Celestia’s school; the hardest part had been not sneering at the princess’s pale reflection. Once she was in, Sunset had started gathering vital information about how this world worked, laying low until she could blend in properly and climb the social ladder. By the time the portal reopened, she could prove her readiness to rule at Celestia’s side.
Of course, to do that, she needed to know how rulership worked in this world, or at least this country. Research wasn’t Sunset’s first choice, but practical experience wouldn’t help; student government was as much of a farce here as it was in Canterlot. She knew from the daily loyalty oath that she was in the Federated States of Amareica, and that was enough to go on.
Finding the time was easy; the gym teachers were hardly even trying to hide the skeletons in their closets, and Miss Cheerilee seemed to silently approve of skipping PE in the first place, especially in favor of reading. A rare sign of enlightenment in this often barbaric world, as far as Sunset was concerned. By some mercy, the library used the Dewdrop Decimal System, even if there was a sad lack of material in the one-thirties, where magic should have been.
Nonetheless, Sunset began her research.
“What.”
She stared at the text. It refused to shift to something more rational. She grabbed a different book, just in case there had been some kind of horrible, enormous misprint.
“What.”
Sunset understood mayoral elections. Celestia couldn’t be expected to micromanage down to the municipal level, not when she had all of Equestria to worry about. Earth pony political traditions provided an answer. And yes, this world’s Celestia was only a school administrator and lacked her counterpart’s countless centuries of experience. But to have the ultimate authority of the nation in constant flux…
No. Surely there had to be some rational limiter to this political chaos. Sunset kept researching.
It only got worse.
Polarizing ideological oligopoly, with the two sides unable to agree even on how to choose their candidates. Primary schedules constantly vying for greater provincial significance. The bizarre insanity that was the Electoral College.
Her hands shaking, Sunset the books back in their proper places. No sense in angering one of the few civilized people in the world. Slowly, her vision blurring from the nonsense she’d consumed, she made her way to the computers. Maybe… Maybe there had been changes since those books had been printed. Improvements. Attempts to bring logic and order to this nightmarish political system.
Sunset sat and took a deep breath, steadying herself for a moment. She’d figured out how to use the devices through tacit observation and careful trial and error. Working a search engine would be simple enough. She got out a notebook and a pencil, ready to take notes on how the system had changed in the last few years. Surely it had been for the better. Surely.
The paper stayed blank for half an hour. Finally, Sunset scrawled a few words, tore the page to shreds, and crammed it into the first wastebasket she could find as she fled the library.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I don’t want to live on this planet any more.
Your homesick student,
Sunset Shimmer
Ah, the election cycle induced sense of alienation. A great classic, which speaks to almost everyone, even if he has never been in the USA.
While Sunset felt right as a character, the story lacks meat. It is a bit on the telly side, and considering the tyranny of the word count and that almost everyone has at least a passing familiarity with the argument that Sunset is exploring it would probably benefit from focusing on the MC's reaction.
The ending, while not surprising, worked well.
Enjoyable but needs focus or content.
While Sunset felt right as a character, the story lacks meat. It is a bit on the telly side, and considering the tyranny of the word count and that almost everyone has at least a passing familiarity with the argument that Sunset is exploring it would probably benefit from focusing on the MC's reaction.
The ending, while not surprising, worked well.
Enjoyable but needs focus or content.
Fun:
But I of course have suggestions, author... :)
One of the best things about fanfiction, I've found, is that I don't have to introduce a story's characters to the reader. So trimming the opening here would make the whole thing flow better: instead of three paragraphs, just give us a sentence or two to show us we're dealing with a pre-reformation Sunset, and you can launch right into the meat of the story.
I'd also suggest to start with Sunset deciding that she's done with Equestria--she's cut those apron strings and is setting her sights on taking over Humania. Her studies, then, have decide she'd rather return and take over Equestria. That way, the story becomes more than a cute joke. It becomes a "turning point" moment for Sunset: after reading about our electoral system, a hypnotized army of teenagers suddenly seems like a viable politcal alternative.
Mike
But I of course have suggestions, author... :)
One of the best things about fanfiction, I've found, is that I don't have to introduce a story's characters to the reader. So trimming the opening here would make the whole thing flow better: instead of three paragraphs, just give us a sentence or two to show us we're dealing with a pre-reformation Sunset, and you can launch right into the meat of the story.
I'd also suggest to start with Sunset deciding that she's done with Equestria--she's cut those apron strings and is setting her sights on taking over Humania. Her studies, then, have decide she'd rather return and take over Equestria. That way, the story becomes more than a cute joke. It becomes a "turning point" moment for Sunset: after reading about our electoral system, a hypnotized army of teenagers suddenly seems like a viable politcal alternative.
Mike
Genre: Political dissatisfaction
Thoughts: This one is tricky for me to rank, because I imagine that a lot of the impact of this depends on one's view of the American electoral process (The System), and I seem not to possess the requisite level of dissatisfaction to get the full benefit. That might make this a prime candidate for abstention... I'll have to think about it.
The thing is, though, this seems to bet the proverbial farm on the reader empathizing with Sunset's reaction that The System totally sucks, and I feel like I can offer valid criticism of it for that choice. If we strip away that bet, what are we left with? We get some interesting background about Sunset's integration with EqG!humanity at the beginning, and here I must disagree with >>Baal Bunny, because I think the detail about her fast-talking actual gold into local currency adds something. However, I feel like that's the main other thing on offer here.
Now I realize I'm not being the most genial critic, so let me pull back a little: There's a lot of things that this does well from a technical and execution perspective. I do agree with >>Orbiting_kettle that there's some telliness to the prose, but I don't think that's a huge problem. I also appreciate the vocabulary on offer; it's always fun to run into new words, and I don't think I'd heard the word "oligopoly" before.
Tier: Misaimed
Thoughts: This one is tricky for me to rank, because I imagine that a lot of the impact of this depends on one's view of the American electoral process (The System), and I seem not to possess the requisite level of dissatisfaction to get the full benefit. That might make this a prime candidate for abstention... I'll have to think about it.
The thing is, though, this seems to bet the proverbial farm on the reader empathizing with Sunset's reaction that The System totally sucks, and I feel like I can offer valid criticism of it for that choice. If we strip away that bet, what are we left with? We get some interesting background about Sunset's integration with EqG!humanity at the beginning, and here I must disagree with >>Baal Bunny, because I think the detail about her fast-talking actual gold into local currency adds something. However, I feel like that's the main other thing on offer here.
Now I realize I'm not being the most genial critic, so let me pull back a little: There's a lot of things that this does well from a technical and execution perspective. I do agree with >>Orbiting_kettle that there's some telliness to the prose, but I don't think that's a huge problem. I also appreciate the vocabulary on offer; it's always fun to run into new words, and I don't think I'd heard the word "oligopoly" before.
Tier: Misaimed
AH!
Good for a quick laugh, I guess.
Although now I'm really interested in a sequel where Sunset tries to map out how this massive divergence happened, possibly realizing that immortality is even more of a game changer than she thought.
Good for a quick laugh, I guess.
Although now I'm really interested in a sequel where Sunset tries to map out how this massive divergence happened, possibly realizing that immortality is even more of a game changer than she thought.
Truly, there is no escape from the horse puns.
In all, this really hurts from both the word limit and the author’s inability to trim enough details to make the story fit that limit. I know I’ve harped on stories for failing to explain things, but here, the long stretch about how Sunset got where she is wasn’t really necessary for the story to work. It definitely wasn’t worth the space devoted to it. However, you do have a good foundation for expanding the story.
As for the meat of it, political angles are risky, but this one paid of for me. Even at its best, US representational democracy would probably horrify someone accustomed to Celestia’s benevolent dictatorship. I agree with Baal Bunny about having Sunset go from fierce independence to homesickness so desperate that a zombie army sounds like a good idea.
There’s strong potential here, but it wasn’t utilized well in its current incarnation.
In all, this really hurts from both the word limit and the author’s inability to trim enough details to make the story fit that limit. I know I’ve harped on stories for failing to explain things, but here, the long stretch about how Sunset got where she is wasn’t really necessary for the story to work. It definitely wasn’t worth the space devoted to it. However, you do have a good foundation for expanding the story.
As for the meat of it, political angles are risky, but this one paid of for me. Even at its best, US representational democracy would probably horrify someone accustomed to Celestia’s benevolent dictatorship. I agree with Baal Bunny about having Sunset go from fierce independence to homesickness so desperate that a zombie army sounds like a good idea.
There’s strong potential here, but it wasn’t utilized well in its current incarnation.
I do love how the pledge becomes a 'daily loyalty oath' which it really is. Such wonderful little barbs here. Giggle-worthy
Okay, I saw where this was going pretty quick... But it was still amusing. :)
Just wait until she reads about the histories of monarchies on her new world. And how they turn out when you don't have a superpowered immortal on the throne for centuries. ;>
Hmmmm.. I wonder if we might see Sunset circling a petition to change the Amareican government back into a proper monarchy... With her as head princess, of course! There could be some good humor in the concept...
>>CoffeeMinion
I don't think you need to be completely dissatisfied with "The System" in order to recognize just how ridiculous and insane it can be... Especially to an outsider. I think most people recognize and accept the fact that the American government is a big old crazy mess... Mostly because it's composed of human beings, and humans are, by nature, big old crazy messes. The best thing to be said for it is that it generally works, and is usually better than the alternatives. ;>
Just wait until she reads about the histories of monarchies on her new world. And how they turn out when you don't have a superpowered immortal on the throne for centuries. ;>
Hmmmm.. I wonder if we might see Sunset circling a petition to change the Amareican government back into a proper monarchy... With her as head princess, of course! There could be some good humor in the concept...
>>CoffeeMinion
I don't think you need to be completely dissatisfied with "The System" in order to recognize just how ridiculous and insane it can be... Especially to an outsider. I think most people recognize and accept the fact that the American government is a big old crazy mess... Mostly because it's composed of human beings, and humans are, by nature, big old crazy messes. The best thing to be said for it is that it generally works, and is usually better than the alternatives. ;>
Introduction to Amareican Civics
This was my first entry, and the thought process was fairly straightforward. Given the prompt, it felt appropriate to focus on the universe that has principals rather than princesses, and Sunset would definitely feel that loss. Many people have noted how Equestria could be seen as an application of Plato's Republic, with not just an enlightened and benevolent philosopher-queen, but an immortal one. So, take that philosopher-queen's student who wanted nothing more than to join her and become an essential part of that system, and plop her in a very different political system. Hilarity logically ensues.
Unfortunately, as my comments on this round have shown, I think way too much about background information, especially for minifics. Between that and not writing an outline, I got too wrapped in justifying Sunset's existence rather than actually having her do things. This is why it's important to plan things out.
Still, I definitely know what to do to polish this one up. I know taking the political angle may be a bit of a risk, but hopefully having an author's note available will allow me to make it clear that what's distressing Sunset is the sheer contrast in political systems, not my personal views on the state of the system at the moment. (Mostly, anyway.)
Great feedback from everyone: >>Orbiting_kettle >>Baal Bunny >>CoffeeMinion >>devas >>TheCyanRecluse
Special shout-out to >>Morning Sun for catching the dig at the Pledge of Allegiance.
This was my first entry, and the thought process was fairly straightforward. Given the prompt, it felt appropriate to focus on the universe that has principals rather than princesses, and Sunset would definitely feel that loss. Many people have noted how Equestria could be seen as an application of Plato's Republic, with not just an enlightened and benevolent philosopher-queen, but an immortal one. So, take that philosopher-queen's student who wanted nothing more than to join her and become an essential part of that system, and plop her in a very different political system. Hilarity logically ensues.
Unfortunately, as my comments on this round have shown, I think way too much about background information, especially for minifics. Between that and not writing an outline, I got too wrapped in justifying Sunset's existence rather than actually having her do things. This is why it's important to plan things out.
Still, I definitely know what to do to polish this one up. I know taking the political angle may be a bit of a risk, but hopefully having an author's note available will allow me to make it clear that what's distressing Sunset is the sheer contrast in political systems, not my personal views on the state of the system at the moment. (Mostly, anyway.)
Great feedback from everyone: >>Orbiting_kettle >>Baal Bunny >>CoffeeMinion >>devas >>TheCyanRecluse
Special shout-out to >>Morning Sun for catching the dig at the Pledge of Allegiance.