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Dawn
A new Dawn approaches.
Have you ever felt like this world is unfair? Like nothing you do will ever matter to the world? Of course you do, and I think you know why. This is a world run by two individuals that have so many years behind them that they have forgotten about the needs of the common pony. Should we allow this to continue? To be ordered about at the whims of Celestia and Luna? These two ponies run our lives and spend each day living in the lap of luxury, ordering around their ponies without ever giving a thought to those below their station.
Celestia, the one whom we are told we must always love because she raises the sun each day is the most to blame! She sits upon her gilded throne forcing others to do her dirty work and expects us to be happy with her ‘just rule.’
I ask you, when the world was threatened by Nightmare Moon where was Celestia? Nowhere to be found and the world was saved by 6 civilians because she couldn’t get off her cake swollen plot. Now what about the changeling invasion during Princess Cadance’s wedding? What did Celestia do except for insult her personal student and then be defeated by the Changeling Queen? The supposed all powerful diarch was overpowered by an overgrown bug and hung in a changeling pod while the attacking army slaughtered ponies indiscriminately. And where was Luna during these proceedings? Sources inside the castle tell us that she was sleeping during the entire event!
How do we even know if we can trust the Lunar diarch anyway? For a thousand years she was trapped in the moon consumed by evil after raising an army against her own sister. There is no way we can trust a pony that spent that long with her brain poisoned by the Nightmare. Do you know why nopony ever sees her outside of royal publicity stunts? It’s because she is plotting to take over the country again and this time she will wipe us all out. We surely cannot leave such a pony in control of our lives.
This is not to even speak of the attack of Tirek, whose rampage destroyed many homes and took many lives as he stole the magic of everypony. For harmony’s sake he even defeated the princesses Champion, Twilight Sparkle, who was holding the magic of all four alicorns. This truly shows that regardless of all the power they say they have we cannot trust them to protect us.
This is why I, and many others have banded together to create a new town, a safe haven for those who wish to be free of the Princesses oppressive rule. So to those of you who are tired of slaving away each day for nothing more than to be a cog in the machine. Come to Dawn and start a new life where you will be rewarded for your contributions in creating a land in which you and your family can truly be free.
Those that come and show that they can be a productive member of this town will be given a home and everything anypony could need to start a new life. We already have running water and electricity, several homes ready and waiting for somepony to come and claim them and a fair and just Mayor who treats everypony as a member of his own family.
So come to Dawn and start a new life, free of the useless and corrupt princesses.
From the desk of Silver Tongue,
Lord Mayor of Dawn.
Reading this, I kept waiting for the twist, and was a little surprised and disappointed that there doesn't seem to be one. This mostly seems to be a retread of complaints against Luna and Celestia that other long-form fics have covered better. There wasn't much to get interested in or excited about. The technical construction was good, but it just didn't engage me.
SCORE-O-METER: 6.8/10
SCORE-O-METER: 6.8/10
I had trouble staying engaged through this, because it mostly seems to be a re-hash of things I've already seen. I watched all these episodes and know what happened in them. Perhaps being even more outrageous would have helped, because on the whole, these accusations seemed fairly tame and logical to me. Let's hear about Celestia conspiring with Twilight and Tirek to cause property damage so she could drive property prices up, Twilight growing the Crystal Castle so she could re-zone Ponyville and steal ponies farms, how Philomena cashes in on life insurance whenever she molts, or how Cadence is secretly mind-controlling everyone with her love magic or something, I dunno. Take it farther, because this isn't nearly crazy enough to hold my attention as it is right now.
Oh, and on '6 civilians'; numerals should usually be written out when storytelling, unless they're longer than three digits not counting zeros at the end. I think. Find a more complete guide here: http://theeditorsblog.net/2013/01/13/numbers-in-fiction/
Oh, and on '6 civilians'; numerals should usually be written out when storytelling, unless they're longer than three digits not counting zeros at the end. I think. Find a more complete guide here: http://theeditorsblog.net/2013/01/13/numbers-in-fiction/
Unfortunately this didn't do the trick for me. At first I thought it had some good potential to be a speech some crazy zealot was giving to a crowd amassed on the street or something, but the revelation at the end that it was some sort of letter confused me. Who was it written to, really?
That's to say nothing of the content of the letter itself. As others have pointed out, this story only rehashes well-trodden territory and doesn't bring much new or exciting to the table. On top of that, the word choice wasn't especially strong for something meant to be an intense verbal lambasting of the diarchy, and there were a few mechanical mistakes that pulled me out of it even further.
In a different context, and perhaps with a stronger voice, this has the potential to be an interesting part of a longer story. As it is right now, it simply fell flat for me.
That's to say nothing of the content of the letter itself. As others have pointed out, this story only rehashes well-trodden territory and doesn't bring much new or exciting to the table. On top of that, the word choice wasn't especially strong for something meant to be an intense verbal lambasting of the diarchy, and there were a few mechanical mistakes that pulled me out of it even further.
In a different context, and perhaps with a stronger voice, this has the potential to be an interesting part of a longer story. As it is right now, it simply fell flat for me.
I have to parrot GaPJaxie here in that I thought this piece was setting up some kind of unexpected reveal, but this ended up being exactly what it says on the tin. And to be honest, this is something I've read before. Personally, I've never really liked the whole anti-Princess subject matter (since the Princesses are honestly the most interesting parts of the show to me), so while a couple of these points Silver Tongue brings up at least sound pretty solid, I'm still having trouble getting really invested. I realize that this is entirely a matter of personal taste, though, so I'll keep it in mind while scoring.
Ooh, propaganda. This should be interesting.
…
Oh. Well. That was a letdown. Others have covered why quite thoroughly. This just doesn’t go anywhere with its idea. If you expand on this, make it a story rather than a character’s rant, you’ll definitely have something intriguing. There’s clearly something sinister under the surface here. I just want to see you getting around to peeling it back.
…
Oh. Well. That was a letdown. Others have covered why quite thoroughly. This just doesn’t go anywhere with its idea. If you expand on this, make it a story rather than a character’s rant, you’ll definitely have something intriguing. There’s clearly something sinister under the surface here. I just want to see you getting around to peeling it back.
>>GaPJaxie
In 2 years the Mayor will have helped them discoverMantles Splicing and all will be better understood as his GLORIOUS CAPITALIST UTOPIA comes crashing down around him.
In 2 years the Mayor will have helped them discover
I have to agree with the previous reviewers. This was just kind of.. Bland. Sure, it's propaganda... But it's not even particularly inflammatory or untrue propaganda. It's like propaganda written by Joseph Goebbels.....'s younger, less talented brother. In the end, there just isn't much 'there' there.