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In the Sun’s Private Abode
“And now,” the guide said, motioning towards the door he’d just unlocked, “please proceed to the royal bedroom. Mind the stanchions and the ribbon. Do not encroach on the carpet, as it is very fragile. Refrain from touching the furniture.”
The ponies padded one after the other to the doorway and the next room, until this one was empty. The guide closed the door behind him. He slinked amidst the group, and stopped in his middle.
“Shhht!” he hissed, and waited until the last whispers petered out. “This,” he began, taking in all the room in a sweeping gesture, “is the former royal bedroom where Celestia used to sleep.” He pointed at the canopy bed whose rich sheets were adorned in solar symbols sewn with golden threads. A full-size dummy of Celestia was lying in it, eyes closed.
“Such luxury!” somepony blurted. It was hardly over a whisper, but it echoed in the silent room.
“Uh-huh,” the guide replied. “Now you can see almost every object in this room is marked or carved with the solar symbol. Even –” and as he pointed up everypony raised their head — “the ceiling.” Over their heads stood a large solar disk, spiked with waving flames, painted in gold over a pale blue background. “Gold was Celestia's most prized metal. Do you guess why?” He scanned the group with intent eyes, but nopony ventured an answer. “Well colour obviously,” he finally picked up. “Gold has always been a solar symbol. Silver was reserved to Luna, and copper was associated with Cadence.”
He cleared his throat. “Every morning, half an hour before the scheduled sunrise, according to the etiquette, the captain of the guard on duty knocked at the door you can see over there, and brought to her majesty on the golden platter now laying on the nightstand a cake freshly pulled from the oven by her private chef baker.”
The group shifted slightly.
“When her majesty had finished –” he paused, smiled and carried on in a more subdued voice, as if in confidence – “many historians say she wolfed her cakes down rather than properly eat them –” he resumed with his normal voice, “she would raise the Sun at the prescribed hour and then hold her first meeting of the day with the other princesses at this table.”
He gestured towards a dark wooden table, probably mahogany. Four seats were placed around it. On one of them sat a dummy of Princess Twilight Sparkle, her forelegs leaning on the table, her face brightened by a beaming smile.
“They look so real! Almost living!” somepony said.
“Yes,” the guide replied. “Our team of designers worked hard to recreate the room’s original atmosphere from old photographs. Any questions?”
A mare raised her hoof. “Was this room used after the Revolution?” she asked.
"Well, rumour has it that our first forecomrade, Starlight Glimmer, made it her private office before she moved into the newly built People’s palace near the Parliament. But there is no historical evidence to substantiate this claim. It was used as a storage room before this museum opened. Any other questions?”
There was a hush.
“Very well,” the guide said after a few seconds. “This concludes our visit. Thank you for your attention and good stay in Canterlot! Please exit through this passageway.”
He saluted every visitor as they stepped out. When all had left, he flicked a switch that killed the lights, and walked away. The echoes of his hooves died in the corridor.
Twilight Sparkle sighed and stretched her limbs. “Dang!” she exclaimed as she scraped her chair back. “I almost cricked my neck.”
Nothing moved in the room.
“Princess Celestia?” she asked with an alarmed voice. “Princess!?”
Celestia rolled in her bed. She yawned and cracked heavy-lidded eyes open. “Uh?” she said. “What? Oh!” She giggled. “I think I really fell asleep, Twilight!”
“Princess! For an instant I –”
“Twilight!” Celestia cut in with a mellow voice. “Why are you so mawkish?” She sat up on the bed.
“I'm always concerned about you…”
“So sweet my precious pupil. But tell me: how long before the next group?”
Twilight shot a glance to a clock. “A full hour.”
“That’s plenty of time to fill our stomachs. I heard they locked away a crate of hard cider in the cellar. You’re game to snitch a bottle?” She winked.
“You bet!” Twilight answered.
Celestia stood up, magically opened the rear door, and both princesses disappeared into the stairway behind it.
The ponies padded one after the other to the doorway and the next room, until this one was empty. The guide closed the door behind him. He slinked amidst the group, and stopped in his middle.
“Shhht!” he hissed, and waited until the last whispers petered out. “This,” he began, taking in all the room in a sweeping gesture, “is the former royal bedroom where Celestia used to sleep.” He pointed at the canopy bed whose rich sheets were adorned in solar symbols sewn with golden threads. A full-size dummy of Celestia was lying in it, eyes closed.
“Such luxury!” somepony blurted. It was hardly over a whisper, but it echoed in the silent room.
“Uh-huh,” the guide replied. “Now you can see almost every object in this room is marked or carved with the solar symbol. Even –” and as he pointed up everypony raised their head — “the ceiling.” Over their heads stood a large solar disk, spiked with waving flames, painted in gold over a pale blue background. “Gold was Celestia's most prized metal. Do you guess why?” He scanned the group with intent eyes, but nopony ventured an answer. “Well colour obviously,” he finally picked up. “Gold has always been a solar symbol. Silver was reserved to Luna, and copper was associated with Cadence.”
He cleared his throat. “Every morning, half an hour before the scheduled sunrise, according to the etiquette, the captain of the guard on duty knocked at the door you can see over there, and brought to her majesty on the golden platter now laying on the nightstand a cake freshly pulled from the oven by her private chef baker.”
The group shifted slightly.
“When her majesty had finished –” he paused, smiled and carried on in a more subdued voice, as if in confidence – “many historians say she wolfed her cakes down rather than properly eat them –” he resumed with his normal voice, “she would raise the Sun at the prescribed hour and then hold her first meeting of the day with the other princesses at this table.”
He gestured towards a dark wooden table, probably mahogany. Four seats were placed around it. On one of them sat a dummy of Princess Twilight Sparkle, her forelegs leaning on the table, her face brightened by a beaming smile.
“They look so real! Almost living!” somepony said.
“Yes,” the guide replied. “Our team of designers worked hard to recreate the room’s original atmosphere from old photographs. Any questions?”
A mare raised her hoof. “Was this room used after the Revolution?” she asked.
"Well, rumour has it that our first forecomrade, Starlight Glimmer, made it her private office before she moved into the newly built People’s palace near the Parliament. But there is no historical evidence to substantiate this claim. It was used as a storage room before this museum opened. Any other questions?”
There was a hush.
“Very well,” the guide said after a few seconds. “This concludes our visit. Thank you for your attention and good stay in Canterlot! Please exit through this passageway.”
He saluted every visitor as they stepped out. When all had left, he flicked a switch that killed the lights, and walked away. The echoes of his hooves died in the corridor.
Twilight Sparkle sighed and stretched her limbs. “Dang!” she exclaimed as she scraped her chair back. “I almost cricked my neck.”
Nothing moved in the room.
“Princess Celestia?” she asked with an alarmed voice. “Princess!?”
Celestia rolled in her bed. She yawned and cracked heavy-lidded eyes open. “Uh?” she said. “What? Oh!” She giggled. “I think I really fell asleep, Twilight!”
“Princess! For an instant I –”
“Twilight!” Celestia cut in with a mellow voice. “Why are you so mawkish?” She sat up on the bed.
“I'm always concerned about you…”
“So sweet my precious pupil. But tell me: how long before the next group?”
Twilight shot a glance to a clock. “A full hour.”
“That’s plenty of time to fill our stomachs. I heard they locked away a crate of hard cider in the cellar. You’re game to snitch a bottle?” She winked.
“You bet!” Twilight answered.
Celestia stood up, magically opened the rear door, and both princesses disappeared into the stairway behind it.
… What?
This went strong until the very end. From there, it raises countless questions and leaves all of them unanswered. Sorry, but you lost me at the very last moment with this one.
This went strong until the very end. From there, it raises countless questions and leaves all of them unanswered. Sorry, but you lost me at the very last moment with this one.
Okay, so :
Starlight Glimmer leads a communist revolution, overthrows the Princesses, and now they are living in their old abode pretending to be wax figurines, it would seem.
This idea is a funny one at its core. I don't think this has it fully coming together yet, though. The beginning is good, but I feel there are two pieces missing.
One : The guide should be giving us a bit more history of the Princesses themselves. What is the official party line of what happened to them post-revolution? This is a good place to set up for the reversal later, especially if it's a 'They were beheaded' or 'Nopony knoooooows' Anastasia-like result.
Two : Why are they now in the castle? Okay, cider, sure, but why not just living off in a remote cottage somewhere tending daisies? Where are Luna and Cadance in this? Tie together their reasoning for being back, and you've got a much stronger story.
Starlight Glimmer leads a communist revolution, overthrows the Princesses, and now they are living in their old abode pretending to be wax figurines, it would seem.
This idea is a funny one at its core. I don't think this has it fully coming together yet, though. The beginning is good, but I feel there are two pieces missing.
One : The guide should be giving us a bit more history of the Princesses themselves. What is the official party line of what happened to them post-revolution? This is a good place to set up for the reversal later, especially if it's a 'They were beheaded' or 'Nopony knoooooows' Anastasia-like result.
Two : Why are they now in the castle? Okay, cider, sure, but why not just living off in a remote cottage somewhere tending daisies? Where are Luna and Cadance in this? Tie together their reasoning for being back, and you've got a much stronger story.
I suppose the guide knew the secret and simply integrated the Princesses in his description. The story is really missing a reason for the ending, something that I suspect you couldn't put in the strict word-limit.
The concept is workable and has potentiality but, while your writing here was strong, it lacked a bit of color to tell us how the ponies see the pre-revolutionary Equestria. I have a history book from the late DDR (or GDR for you English speaking folks) about Germany in the 17th century. Even if most of it refers to episodes and facts that precede the rise of capitalism and comunism, you can still "read" the political tone used in it. It's something all-pervading, choices of words, which facts are pointed out and which are glossed over, it tells a lot about the government under which it was written. I think that is something you are missing in your story.
Make it more coherent, give us a reason for the ending and you have something interesting and potentially deep.
An interesting concept that need some reworking.
The concept is workable and has potentiality but, while your writing here was strong, it lacked a bit of color to tell us how the ponies see the pre-revolutionary Equestria. I have a history book from the late DDR (or GDR for you English speaking folks) about Germany in the 17th century. Even if most of it refers to episodes and facts that precede the rise of capitalism and comunism, you can still "read" the political tone used in it. It's something all-pervading, choices of words, which facts are pointed out and which are glossed over, it tells a lot about the government under which it was written. I think that is something you are missing in your story.
Make it more coherent, give us a reason for the ending and you have something interesting and potentially deep.
An interesting concept that need some reworking.
So, what happens when they have to use the bathroom and the tour guide is in the room? I mean it's going to happen at some point. It could work as a longer story where more is explained and revealed. As it is it's kind of a weird ending.
As others have said, the ending needs to make sense in the greater context. It just comes out of nowhere.
The idea here is solid, though. I think this just needed some extra development time and was constrained by the word limit.
The idea here is solid, though. I think this just needed some extra development time and was constrained by the word limit.
In The Sun’s Private Abode — A- — First impression: Futuristic Canterlot. Do they have flying carriages? (+) Very well knit together, and captures the general feel of a tour group, with the reveal coming at the perfect time and just odd enough to feel clever instead of forced. (-) The phrasing is a little awkward, particularly Celestia’s cake tray. Still, there’s not really a ‘there’ here, unless it’s in an odd Anne Frank kind of way with the alicorns hiding out from a revolution.
Tour Guide: The recreation experts spared no expense in making this perfect—
Celestia: Zzzzzzz
Tour Guide: —right down to a simulated snoring noise, just like the dolls in the gift shop downstairs.
Celestia: Mmm… Cake…
Tour Guide: Which is where we are going right now please proceed out the door in an orderly manner move it move it move it...
Tour Guide: The recreation experts spared no expense in making this perfect—
Celestia: Zzzzzzz
Tour Guide: —right down to a simulated snoring noise, just like the dolls in the gift shop downstairs.
Celestia: Mmm… Cake…
Tour Guide: Which is where we are going right now please proceed out the door in an orderly manner move it move it move it...
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Morning Sun
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Misternick
>>EmotionalFlight
>>georg
Some words about In the Sun’s Private Abode:
Well, thanks to all the people who read and appreciated it. I was especially pleased you found either the writing or the idea solid. Frankly, this zany idea popped up from nowhere. I can’t even remember binge drinking or whatever, so I must really be whacky at some fundamental level. But this was much fun to write anyway.
For those who wondered why did the Princesses linger in the castle, well, they had to find a job.
Georg, I agree some phrasing was awkward, but writing on an iPhone in the middle of a shambolic weekend is not easy! :P Also thanks for the A- grade, much appreciated!
I didn’t intend to put much into this story than the crazy reveal, so I was rather pleased to find that most people wished it would’ve been more elaborated, with wittier dialogues and sharper humour. Due to the 750-word limit, I could only drop limited hints (like the shifting crowd or the “such luxury!” remark, or the crate locked away in the cellar as an intimation that the new regime has its own capers) in this version. Some expansion will be welcome.
The end was a bit blunt and came out of left field, as you all noted. I was, and still am, a bit at a loss to find a proper ending to this, so I just sorta copped out, and that was probably this version’s most egregious weakness. Any suggestion welcome.
In any case, thanks to all, good luck to the finalists and see you next round!
>>Morning Sun
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Misternick
>>EmotionalFlight
>>georg
Some words about In the Sun’s Private Abode:
Well, thanks to all the people who read and appreciated it. I was especially pleased you found either the writing or the idea solid. Frankly, this zany idea popped up from nowhere. I can’t even remember binge drinking or whatever, so I must really be whacky at some fundamental level. But this was much fun to write anyway.
For those who wondered why did the Princesses linger in the castle, well, they had to find a job.
Georg, I agree some phrasing was awkward, but writing on an iPhone in the middle of a shambolic weekend is not easy! :P Also thanks for the A- grade, much appreciated!
I didn’t intend to put much into this story than the crazy reveal, so I was rather pleased to find that most people wished it would’ve been more elaborated, with wittier dialogues and sharper humour. Due to the 750-word limit, I could only drop limited hints (like the shifting crowd or the “such luxury!” remark, or the crate locked away in the cellar as an intimation that the new regime has its own capers) in this version. Some expansion will be welcome.
The end was a bit blunt and came out of left field, as you all noted. I was, and still am, a bit at a loss to find a proper ending to this, so I just sorta copped out, and that was probably this version’s most egregious weakness. Any suggestion welcome.
In any case, thanks to all, good luck to the finalists and see you next round!
>>Monokeras
I think the best thing you could do with this one would be showing us more of the tour. It gives you an excuse to elaborate on the revolution and by extension why the former princesses are happy to work as living props in that revolution's wake. That or follow Celestia and Twilight as they discuss things over the course of their cider break. You gave us a tantalizing glimpse at an intriguing world. You just need to build on that.
I think the best thing you could do with this one would be showing us more of the tour. It gives you an excuse to elaborate on the revolution and by extension why the former princesses are happy to work as living props in that revolution's wake. That or follow Celestia and Twilight as they discuss things over the course of their cider break. You gave us a tantalizing glimpse at an intriguing world. You just need to build on that.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thanks for the advice FoME! I’m really delighted this puny story drew your attention! :) :heart:
Thanks for the advice FoME! I’m really delighted this puny story drew your attention! :) :heart: