"Rarity, I expected better of you," Cookie Crumbles said with an admonishing tone that still left the bubbling pride in her come through, "Just because all your friends trascend the bounds of mortal existence doesn't mean you have to do it as well."

But yeah, this is some really nice headcanon, makes sense and fills plotholes. I like the idea of Rarity being basically the multiverse's patron saint of fashion. I wonder how Spike reacted to that when he was getting his doggie collar.

Oh, well. I don't have anything negative to say. Nicely done.

Also, before anyone else makes the obvious joke: Princess of Apples.

This fic has some great character interactions, so it's one of those slice-of-life stories that manages to be fun, even when nothing's going on. The parts with Spike made me smile, and the ending reveal felt naturally charming.

The only problem I had here is that I was really unsure at first what direction this story wanted me to expect, since all these characters throw out their own explanations and I wasn't sure which ones were important to the story and which were red herrings. This story is much more clear when re-read, and it doesn't seem like such an issue when you already know the point it's leading up to. MAYBE i was just not paying enough attention the first time, and I'd rather have a story that's fun to re-read than one that's less fun, so I won't hold it against this fic. I just throw it out there as some feedback for the author, because this might've become confusing and harmful in a longer fic.

hypothesis: starting the story with "TBD" feels like an anti-hook? all the characters are interested in that sign, but I as a reader wasn't interested, since it literally means nothing. that might explain my rough start. still, I became interested as I went on because of the nice character writing, which isn't easy to do!

This story is structured such that the reveal is supposed to be a reveal, with a 591 words leading up to it. The vast majority of the story is spent getting us to the "It was ponies" idea, which is a problem given we the readers are pretty sure we know the punchline well before that point. This could, potentially, be offset by a strong enough punchline, but I think that falls a bit flat here too, as, honestly, the conclusion drawn seems way too abrupt. Like, I really can't see that being the first place someone's brain goes, even with the star information.

The idea is solid though. I just think you need to sell the punchline better (put a pegasus or unicorn skeleton in there!) or start us at the punchline and then spend the story convincing us of it.

Well, this took a turn for the potentially horrifying rather fast.

I really like small vignettes that serve as character pieces, and this does a decent job with it. My only complaint is that this could have had a better ending. Yes, I understand this was meant to be humourous, but I still feel a better reaction could have been crafted without going over board. Perhaps showing Twilight's reaction to the fallout and trying to apologise to Flutters.

But yeah, this was nice enough.

I get this reference!

I don't know how much it is outside of the reference though. It's cute, but I kept expecting a twist that never came. It just plays the idea straight. There's a few funny little touches (the scp numbers, the thought of My Little SCP173) but they're buried pretty deep. So while I appreciate this idea (a lot!), I wish there was a little more that it was used for.

"The apple is metaphorical."

I think that about sums it up. But I'll try anyways.

I agree with >>CoffeeMinion The first two thirds (heh) are great. They're a solid spoof of The Matrix that made me chuckle. However, the last scene feels too disconnected from the rest of the story. I'm not saying that I don't see what your aim was, but I don't think you pulled it off as well as you could have, perhaps due to word constraints.

Had you dropped the iPod parallels and polished the plot you already had, this could have risen above the final result. Hell make Silversmith an actual agent of whatever Equestria's equivalent of the Dole corporation is and how he destroyed Applejack's Matrix to maintain order in the Matrix the Doles are running.

I'unno, I'm just spitballing here. This was a great entry that worked against itself in the very end. Sorry.

Anyway, here's some food for thought:

The Matrix was released on March 31, 1999. The first version of the iPod was released on October 23, 2001, and Reloaded and Revolutions came out on May 15, 2003 and November 5, 2003 respectively.

I'm not saying that Steve Jobs actually build the first iPod out of the remains of a destroyed Matrix and that led to the subpar sequels. I'm only heavily implying it.

I read this. Then I read it again. Then once more, just to be safe.

What exactly is the point?

I hope I don't come off as too mean, but I'm being serious. What are you telling us? Sunset doesn't know what to do with her life, Celestia gives her a few options, Sunset wants to move in with her, Celestia is secretly a slob, then the end comes.

What is the ultimate point of the story? Is there a message? We don't really get closure about Sunset's future. She'll go to college, alright, but she still doesn't know what to do with her life. What will moving in with Celestia accomplish?

This is decently written, I'll give you that. The dialogue feels natural, the pacing is consistent, but it ultimately feels incomplete.

I don't get the point of this story?

but I really enjoyed reading it, so much that it more than makes up for not understanding it. I loved how the characters talk here, and exchange jokes and puns with each other. Pinkie saying "favorite 'corny twosome" is ADORABLE ❤︎

I still feel like I'm missing some narrative arc here, or some joke that ties it all together. At first I thought the Boinger haircut was referring to Pinkie's bouncy hairstyle, and Starlight looking like her was a hilarious mental image. Well, I'll go with my gut feeling here. I may not understand the intent of this story, but I strongly appreciated it for what it was. I can live with it being a genuinely entertaining slice of life, and I'd rather have more stories like this existing in the world.

---

according to Urban Dictionary...

Boinger: Mid-Canadian slang term for Ecstasy.

Whatever, deadline missed, so have a dumb thing I scribbled in 5 minutes that is mad meta, because at least this way I wrote something:

Writer’s block is the worst, Twilight Sparkle thought to herself as she stared at the empty parchment before her. Creative writing wasn’t something she indulged in particularly often, but after reading 101 Ways to Enhance Your Knowledge and learning that creative writing was proven to do all sorts of fun neurological things - or at least, perhaps, it was strongly hinted that it would - well, Twilight had taken to it with gusto!
Which meant, more accurately, that she had completely failed to come up with anything relevant. Just hours of staring at a blank paper, made all the worse when Ponyville had been invaded by a swarm of miniaturized giant space Breezies.
Now, giant space Breezies never really made their way to Equestria, at least not the civilized parts. There were too many ponies around. They preferred wide open spaces like the desert, but the miniaturized giant space Breezies had found all of Ponyville to be adequately wide and open for them, and even though they were only the size of gnats, that made it all the worse because to them a pony’s mouth equaled ‘Cave’ and - well, it turned out this tribe really liked cave exploration. Every single kind of cave they could find, it turned out. Mouths had remained safe because breathing outwards tended to blow them away, but -
“Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Not thinking about that any more!” The solution had been to remove the size-changing hex, at which point they returned to their normal Breezie size, and though there were a good number of awkwardly yelping mares - and a couple stallions - soon the tribe had reformed, realized Ponyville did not suit their tastes at all, and absconded to parts unknown.
It was at that that Twilight finally had her stroke of genius! Creative writing, yes! OF course! She would write about the miniature giant space Breezies, but rather than invade Ponyville she would have them invade Canterlot! They could overtake the castle and cause all sorts of mayhem! Why, just imaginging those stuffed pompous nobles in Parliament and her mentor reacting to all of it and…
Twilight began to break down in giggles at the thought of Celestia and Luna in the aftermath. Oh dear. In fact…
Her quill hit parchment, and she started to scribble like lightning. Words poured from her quill and soon enough front and back of parchment were filled with something rather absurd - not quite perfect, but it was the effort that counted.
Twilight smiled in satisfaction, rolled it up to send it in and looked at the clock.
“Bucking DEADLINE!” she screamed, and in a burst of magic the paper was incinerated.
In her haste though, she’d used the wrong kind of flame.
In the end, she didn’t win the contest, but she won something else: A series of increasingly awkward letters to and from Princess Celestia explaining her ‘fanfiction’.

Oh lord, preenfic. It had to happen sooner or later.

...subversive, genre-savvy preenfic, at that. Huh. Good on you, author.

I think the heart of the story here is solid, but it ends up being a little too disjointed because of how you bounce between conflicts. As a mini, you have to be focused: is this about Celestia or Sunset and who has a decision to make?

As is, the last bit has minimal impact because we shift this being about Sunset and post graduate studies to Sunset needing a home and Celestial deciding if she can help. For a mini, you need to pick one.

This story overplays its hand twice, first by depicting Cheerilee as being in a suicidal rut, then by swinging to the opposite extreme in the end. The portrayal of Cheerilee is genuinely funny, if clicheic, but the letter at the end leaves me wondering what, exactly, I'm supposed to take away here.

I give it an "eh."

I love the tone of this, but I'm biased because I'm a sucker for that POV. Poor Chryssy (if I'm reading this right)… that is heartbreaking.

I like the transition from the degraded speech to the clearer kind, but I don't see clear markers on what the trigger was. Was that the listener helping once ey realized what was going on, or something? Who is the listener? This sounds like it might even be meant to be someone in particular, but if so I didn't catch it. “get safe / get strong”: instructions?

“more than eye could see” is a nice line. “Now I am the last, or maybe I am many lasts. I am no I's, I am simply my I.” is kind of confusing, since if I'm reading these right I'd expect the POV character to be clearer on the matter without a clearer reason not to be.

Loose prompt connection, lots of trailing possibilities (I expect both of those to be true a lot this round).

Oh, yeah. You think you're so high and mighty with your ice ball, aren't you, Octavia? Ice cubes cool loquids just as well as their spheroid brethren.

I'unno why that stood out to me, but it did. Moving on to the story, I find it to be entertaining. It's a solid story about a meeting, and the first steps towards something more. I wished we could have had a little more back and forth between them, if only to get a better grasp of their characterisation.

Solid entry, but I don't have much else to say.

Hmm. I think you could drop everything before the first line break and not lose anything. Your overall vaguely-storybook tone is nice, but occasionally clashes with the much more modern thoughts and attitudes of its subject - it shouldn't be too difficult to rewrite that slightly so it's more coherently fairy-tale if you want. Finally, the ending is a little straightforward. So much of the story is buildup and then it just resolves in a way that makes sense but isn't sharply clever.

That's a lot of criticism, sorry. I appreciate the overall outlines of what you're writing here, but it just didn't come together in quite the right way for me--I feel like I got lost in the weeds focusing on specific writing quirks that I'd do differently and didn't appreciate your overall piece. Maybe others will like it more!

While not the most profound or dramatic piece, it's well crafted and does a good job showing the emotions and nuances of the characters.

The story has a lot of layers, and seems to invest most of its effort in detail, with the larger plot details only hinted at between the lines.

It's effective in feeling natural, though at the risk of losing clarity. Clearly there's been a falling out among the CMC, though I couldn't tell what about.

There's also shades of Rarijack going on, but that led to another gray area. The even seems to be a wedding, but I wasn't sure who's. At first I thought that it was for Rarijack, but on my second read, it also kind of sounded like it might be scootaloo.

...
Heh...

Fourteen entries in and I finally stumble upon a pure absurdist piece, I think that must be a new record for me.

Anyway, this has the opposite problem of other entries, it's too short. The set up was great, Bloom doesn't know what she's done wrong only to discover the man wants to rob her culture! The nerve...

But seriously, it was fun. My only problem is how quickly it devolves. It goes from slight absurdism to full on phonetic war at the end. Ease us a little bit slower and it would have been better. I still chuckled at the last line, though.

So I guess this is Lesson Zero Twilight taken to the next level. Without an external problem to solve, she creates one (Much to thr detriment of her friend's lives ).

An interesting piece.

When I read the title, I expected the Flim Flams to be selling counterfeit cookies, or something along those lines.

The start of this story had me giggling, and the absurdity of the ending had me groaning and laughing.

Wish you the best of luck on this entry. I loved it.

"I'm allowed to call him a rock, I have a lot of good friends who are rocks."

I almost expected him to bring up how he was technically a rock for a millenium. That should count, right? Or would that be considered rockface?

Oh, well.

It's a bit bare bones, but what's there is good. I would have liked to see a a stronger ending, or perhaps a few more instances of Discord ribbing Twilight for her alleged intolerance, maybe citing her previous mistreatment of Tom. Still, you got a smile out of me.

I think this is definitely Rarity and Applejack helping plan Scootaloo's wedding. I liked this a lot, probably more than it objectively merits - the main thing holding it back is that it plays things too cute by holding back information. That makes it intriguing. But it also means the central conflict that the story focuses on (Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom) is a cipher that's never explained. And that makes it hard to really connect with things.

But the actual relationship between AJ and Rarity is pretty solid, and that carries the story a lot. (esp. for me, but that's my own biases at work)

If only all protest metafiction was like this, I wouldn't mind reading more of them.

This was imaginative, I have to give you that. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure how to criticise this other than saying what I liked an what I didn't. This was very well written, too, I had a good time reading. Didn't care much about the swearing,

Still wished I'd gotten an actual story, though, but thanks for the laughs.

Reminds me of the joke where a man has a wife and a young mistress. Every time the man sees his mistress, she plucks out one of his grey hairs so that he seems younger. Every time he sees his wife, she plucks out one of his black hairs, so that way he looks older.

Eventually he becomes bald!

I liked this story. From the discussion in the writeoff chat, I was expecting to see a preen-fic.

Cross-species mating between Fluttershy and Anon... hmm.

This has the feel of a greentext, to be blunt. Fluttershy's characterization as a subservient waifu-blob is certainly consistent with the way greentexts are generally written, the better to put the focus on the second person POV character. But she comes across as weaker than she is on the show, and I'm having trouble sympathizing with her. Maybe I'm meant to project myself into the role of Anon, here, but I find myself alienated by both him, and the premise of the story. It's a wish fulfillment story that doesn't actually fulfill any wish from me. And the premise of the ponies all being torn apart by this unholy union of man and butter-pone stretches credulity (where does the idea of Applejack being a closed-minded bigot come from, exactly? Her accent?).

If I'm judging it just on its own merits, in a vacuum, then it's competently written. It handles itself well. It's just... not my thing at all, I'm sorry to say.

"You were running too many excel macros in the barn, and it caught on fire!"

Anyone who's used Excel knows that it's the VLOOKUPs and the macros that can bring even the fastest computer to it's knees.


This has to be the fourth absurdity fic that I've read today, and I've loved ALL of them.

I'm reminded of something George Carlin said once, it goes something like this: "I wonder how many great singers never were discovered because they were too ugly to perform in front of people."

What's presented here is good, there's some real conflict here, but we don't get a real resolution to it. It wouldn't have needed much more, just a small heartwarming moment between Torch Song and Toe Tapper that gave us a bit of catharsis. Maybe he manages to cheer her up, maybe they decide to try again and fight for a real chance, maybe they decide to go independent, anything to wrap up the story.

As it stands it just sort of...stops. There's no real arc to the characters, and the conflict just lingers on. Which is a real pity, because I think the story itself is really good.

I hope you expand this into a more complete story, author. I'll be sure to read it then.

Puns aren't funny, Twilight.

No, but your character arc is.

Anyway, I'll echo >>Haze here, and say that I, too, needed an underlying theme here to really make this shine. Starlight starts somewhat grumpy, gets annoyed, then still is grumpy by the end. She hasn't learned anything, she doesn't come to terms with her new haircut, and all we got out of this was a small vignette where they drink napalm punch with Pinkie.

Amusing, but I'm left with no real impression after reading it.

dissenting opinion: i loved the genuine well written friendship between Pinkie and Twilight for its own sake, and thought the juxtaposition of it with Starlight and her being left out, and her new "friendships" being fake and forced was both beautiful and obvious. the only thing that takes marks away from that is how many people have whined about "Starlight's redemption being too fast" (Which it was), but if that leads to nice character interaction like this I can't fault it too much

This is at the top of my slate.

In some ways it's just kind of a dense nesting of jokes, but I really enjoyed all of them, and thought that the patch notes enabled you to actually construct an unstated narrative quite well. (those bunnies are just too op) Really A+ work.

I enjoyed this far more than I thought I would. Then again, my expectations were rather low for a story about ponies and internet.

I appreciate that it never went into full absurdism, but kept it somewhat grounded. Funny idea, acceptable execution, depressing commentary on the state of consumerism and the intrinsic desire of the masses for aesthetics and novelty rather than objects and services with a purpose.

"How do I spin it with my tongue?"

Dash, don't give me any ideas, this site is PG-13

>>Exuno
interpretation sounds plausible.
but it really sours the fic for me because it feels so cynical and futile. it's like a fix-fic that has to point out "no they're not great friends" and no one gets what they want, because both sides are acting passive-aggressive toward each other. it makes the disappointment at the end more powerful, but because it's now nihilistic instead of bittersweet.

Nicely written bit of introspection with a solid punch to finish out a lot of naval gazing, but I have two big concerns here.

1. The switch to first person doesn't work. I realize this probably isn't intended as a switch to first person, but rather just one of those "Trixie drops out of third person when she's serious" thing, but, for all intents and purposes, it reads like you arbitrarily switched from TPP to FPP suddenly, and it is massively jarring. If you want to do this (which is fine and a good character thing for Trixie in general), you need to flag this as first person back near the beginning. Otherwise it is just way too jarring.

2. I love the core conflict here, but I don't think you establish well WHY this particular sacrifice is so hard for Trixie. You emphasize too much that she's determined to do whatever it takes to get things done, but that actually weakens the end a bit because she should logically be willing to demean, humiliate, and otherwise do whatever it took to make sure her friendship with Starlight works. You need to emphasize why THIS trial is different.

Nice idea and solid prose, good conflict. Character motivations feel a bit odd all around though. Celestia willing to give up so easily, Twilight's friends not being a factor, etc. I lack an immediate suggestion for improvement, but I really don't like the last line. It feels too trite and too assured that everything will be okay, which makes the whole scenario look worse: apparently fixing this was a pretty easy.

Way to be a jerk, Celestia.

This one is, unfortunately, not really doing it for me.

It's worth keeping in mind what sort of perspective you are using. This is, as close as I can tell, a third person limited based in Twilight's thoughts. So why do we keep referring to Tom as Discord's lover? Twilight doesn't seem to believe that, so, given the perspective we're working in, it is weird to see it repeated so much in earnest.

Beyond that, I think the narrative here falls into what I'd call "trying to hard." I love Sir Terry Pratchett's work, but there is a certain flow and elegance to his more unusual narrative tracts it that is really tricky to replicate, and I don't think this fic manages. Like the withering forest thing - it just comes out of the blue and doesn't really connect to the narrative or story around it. It just comes out of nowhere and slaps us in the face. It is also loooooooooooong, which further reduces the comedic impact. If you want to do these sorts of narrative indulgences, they need to either be ultra clever, super tight, or relate to the work around them (IMO).

That said, solid effort and I suspect there are people who will dig this.

I'm in pretty much the same boat as Posh here (at more or less all levels - his review mimics pretty much everything I'd say). This just isn't really my cup of tea, and Applejack being the pony with the stick up her butt about odd sexual relationships comes off as too on the nose. Also Fluttershy desperately needs some agency beyond being the poor, meek waifu being protected by her big strong man.

That said, what's here is decently executed and should work for anyone looking for this sort of fic. Despite my personal complaints about the waifuness and general subject matter, there are definitely people who that will appeal to if that's really want you to aim for.

I'm just not the audience. I'm more a shipping guy. :p

And that is how three little fillies caused the market to crash and put Equestria through its biggest recession since the Grand Hay Bale incident of '84.

Ah, to be young and ignorant of the intricacies of bussines ventures.

This was a nice story, the begining drew me in and kept me hooked, eager to see where it would go. And then the story doesn't really go anywhere.

We get this glimpse at Flim and Flam's next scam, the CMC miss out on potential investors, and the whole story ends with a "Boy, wasn't that weird?"

I was really hoping for a more satisfying conclusion. Maybe a cut to the aftermath of their little enterprise and the girls learn a valuable lesson about the corporate world.

Much like the CMC Inc., the story never got off the ground.

Whoah. Serious Allegrazza flashbacks what with the whisky.

Its nicely moody and atmospheric, but I'm not quite sure it's being told from the right perspective, here? Utlimately, Vinyl is the active party in this story (Octavia isn't actually looking for anything and, thought her troubles are heavily implied, we don't actually get enough of a look to be able to say she's looking for an excuse to connect to someone or whether she really does want to be left alone - the implication is there, obviously, but given the story is from her perspective it is a bit weird to not get a little more insight).

Basically, you've got all the steps down right and the chemistry is decent, but I'm not really feeling the heart in this dance. Gimme the emotional meat, a reason to root for Vinyl and Octavia hooking up besides my frankly unhealthy obsession.

Also the whole burn/beamed paragraph doesn't quite work for me. The phrasing on it is a little weird and just doesn't quite flow. And that last line feels like a bit of a fumble, since Vinyl basically just repeats the rushing approach after backing down from it.

So let's kick this off. Due to the nature of pony mini rounds (generally less serious and more for fun), their number of entrants, and my limited supply of free time and motivation, I'm going to try and cut back on the Wall of Super Serious Text commentary and do shorter off the cuff reactions for my first pass at most stories.

The eventual finalists, and anything that particularly catches my eye along the way, will get the usual treatment. Exuno (and Not a Hat, though he might be an awkward choice given podcasting and AndrewRogue) have extremely kindly volunteered as a proxy for suggestions in Discord, if anyone wants to go "Hey Ran review my story!" without risking anonymity issues!

That seems like a quite appropriate intro to this submission, too. I ain't readin' all that giant block.

Okay sting at the end. But which way does the joke go? Is the joke that 750 words is supposedly too few to tell a story, or that many participants aren't using the 750 to the best of their ability, or that minis should try to aim lower than 750, or what? Are we angling in favor of an increase to 1000 words here, or no? And what was the purpose of taking the time to make this an entry, and writing that giant block of text? Dunno.

So the skinny: not going to score too highly, but probably wasn't intended to. I chuckled a little. Learning to write concisely is one of the more valuable skills Writeoff mini rounds can teach, IMO, so I guess it's nice to remind people of that. Thanks for writing!

I always suspected that was the answer to the big questions.

"Why are we here? What's our purpose?"

To make sure everything is running smoothly for our bunny overlords.

This was great. Inventive, quirky, and very well executed. As >>sharpspark said, it was fun to see the narrative take shape from release notes (It makes me want to see the debugging log, though).

Anyway, great job.

I have no idea what I just read.

Obviously, it's something relating to Discord, and I like the atmosphere of chaos in that regard. This would be a good way to represent his inner monologue in some story! Is this, here, a story, though? I... don't know. Is "Moss" another character? Is this referencing some specific events in the show or fandom? (If so, there's no way I'm getting it, so be it.)

Being in a pony mini round, unfortunately, may be hurting this, because I just can't justify taking an hour to try and puzzle out everything in this one entry and try and figure out whether it's deeply meaningful layered encoded puzzle-story, or just fluffy nonsense Discordism. Too many other entries waiting.

I enjoyed the language, twas a fun ride. Couldn't get into the story, or even figure out if there was one, though. Possibly I'll revisit this later. Thanks for writing though!

I... am legitimately kinda unsure what to say about this one.

I think this falls into the category of I'm not really sure I like the comedy style? At some level I would almost rather have this as a real story rather than a very quippy, quick comedy. I also have no context for the crossover/inspiration here, which makes this extra hard to judge, since I don't know what is banking on the Pom, what is original, and such.

Yeah. I dunno. Sorry author, but I'm a bit stumped on expressing myself with this one.

Genre: TBH I'm not sure, and that's kinda what I want to lead off with...

Thoughts: I find myself unable to move past the question of why Twilight is preening Fluttershy in the first place. It's handled almost as a platonic/clinical/for-science sort of thing, which I'm totally okay with, but the story doesn't give us a solid reason. Then it makes the set of possible motivations even less clear when it mentions that Twilight typically preens via a spell. Assuming Fluttershy can't preen herself for some suitably agreeable reason (which, randomly, my brain wants to blame on her wearing an oversized dog neck cone sort of thing)... couldn't Twilight just cast the spell on her and be done with it? Even if pegasus society doesn't like it, I feel like there could be a decent story in Twilight trying to persuade Fluttershy to let her do that just on a temporary basis.

I probably shouldn't find this so distracting, but my problem is that I can't figure out what kind of story this is without more clues about the underlying situation and motivations. And without that, I'm left with a story that reflects quality writing and some light comedic stuff toward the end, but that ultimately doesn't satisfy me.

But it could! I think it maybe could, anyway. If this wants to go full-comedy, I'll gladly donate the mental image of Fluttershy in an oversized dog cone. Either way though, I'd recommend doing more to establish more context as early as possible. This is a story about something that could very easily be interpreted as physical intimacy, but right now the rest of its tone doesn't match that (there's precisely one paragraph that I can interpret as leaning that way, but right now it's noticeable primarily as an outlier). Author, please help clarify if that's what's going on, or what else it's shooting for otherwise.

Tier: Needs Work

You know, cutie marks are actually patches of differently coloured fur, so they accomplish nothing by tattooing themselves once they're already ponies. But far be it from me to be nitpicky, so onto the actual story.

Though I've never read it, I'm familiar enough with Four Score to understand your story, and I enjoyed it. I don't think there was much which could have been added to it. The intro is efficient, the set up is good, and I chuckled at the result.

This is obviously not meant to be a retelling of FS with merged ponies, but rather a vignette portraying a humourous 'What if?' and I think it does quite well.

If anything, I would have liked to see a bit more character interaction between our leads

Still, solid work.

I whole-heartedly agree with Dash's piece and I would have put it at the top of my slate.

The world needs more buttfiction.

if this is her "ordinary evening" does this mean she repeats this every single night?

I did catch the prompt connection here, clever. but I agree that the tone clashes too much. it's almost like that fantasy scene in Christmas Story.

Entertaining fluff comedy. Good stuff.

This is a really strong entry for the format! In only 500 words, it carries out a full narrative arc, includes characterization details for both Dash and AJ, touches on multiple themes and makes some jokes. A++, well done, people finding it difficult to tell a complete story in mini length (or even thinking it's impossible) should read this and take notes. This is how you do it.

Of course there's still room for improvement. The jokes didn't do much for me, content overall could have been a little punchier, and the first act in particular feels like it's wasting some time and taking the reader off tone with its "I don't get it, this is dumb" repetitions.

But still, this is an easy early front-runner for me. I'd be thrilled if everything in the finals or more was up to these standards. High chance this one will get dissected more later. Thanks for writing!

Genre: "You're thinking about how much you want to **** Fluttershy, aren't you?"

Anyway, what >>CoffeeMinion said. Already getting ninja'd on comments, dang. The prose is solid, but the structure and tone can't decide whether this is a "preening is sex" joke or a "Twilight goes off the rails and embarrasses Fluttershy" joke. Both are present, but they don't meld together well. The sexual analogy gets dropped right as I'm expecting heavier metaphors and some sort of, ahem, climax, while the wacky Twilight side lacks the development it needs to be an effective punchline.

Not a bad effort, though. Other than the conflict in direction, I don't see anything really wrong here, and it seems like either direction (or maybe even both!) could be well executed in the mini format. Solid midcard from me (which likely puts it high in the actual ranks). Thanks for writing!

This feels a lot more like a scene than a story. Which is, of course, a bit of a fuzzy distinction, but hey. This is really just an event that happens without any real resolution. Contrasting it against "Little by Little," for example, that one ends us with a sense of progression. A small one, admittedly, but things have changed in some way by the end of the story. Here... we end up in more or less the same place, and I don't think there is a sense of finality to this state (which would be an acceptable ending as well, IMO).

That said, it is a well constructed piece with a solid conflict and some real heart. I do think Toe Tapper comes off a little... odd? I actually thought he was Tender Taps, as his internal monologue comes off as a bit spastic and childish? It isn't necessarily a bad characterization, it just threw me off.

What Twilight said. The references got a chuck-le, butt this feels a little padded and roundabout. It just sits and doesn't go anywhere, except for the tail end.

The break is an interesting way to accomplish structure, so that's neat! Alas, though, it calls attention to just how much better the opening is than what comes afterwards, and that leaves me coming away a bit sore, which is not what you generally want in a comedy piece. Good hustle though, I respect the attempt. Thanks for writing!

>>Trick_Question
It's okay. I had a rough week, so I'm not sure I would have been able to hammer anything out anyway. Spent 3 hours (round trip) in a car with an infant and a toddler going to a memorial service for a grandparent. I was pretty bushed.

My heart did a D'awww.

This was really, really nice. I mean it. Character interaction was great, the plot was straightforward and well executed, the atmosphere was comfy, the pace was nice and steady. Just great.

If I do have some criticism to offer, is that the initial conversation between the patrons could use some polish. >>Haze mentioned it, but some of those red herrings felt a bit superfluous. I would have preferred to see the first two patrons talk a bit more about Joe and his history, so the reveal could carry more impact.

Still, this has been one of my favourites so far and I'll be sure to give it a high spot in my ranking.

Alas and alack, I must confess: I don't get it. I'm with you as far as the dueling part, but then what's this about "calling" something? Calling... what? Calling some sort of parameter to duel over? Some type of spell? And Starlight chooses "I don't know" and then makes a bubble that says TBD, and this qualifies as winning, somehow?

Someone's going to have to explain this to me, there's clearly some logic going on here that is just passing me by. Ah well. Other than the obscurity of the core, it's decent, probably? Thanks for writing!

Dear goodness, there are a lot of great entries this time around.

This is the kind of stories I like to see in minific rounds: Simple plots, straightforward resolution, and overall great execution.

I find myself short on things to say about this other than saying I liked it. So I'll say it again! I really liked the story. Good job.

This one left me kind of cold, I'm afraid. I have to disagree that it's "a little derivative," this is a lot derivative, too much for me. The ending scene also feels random and out of place.

The blue cancer apple and realizing Smith's name was the joke got a couple of chuckles out of me. That's the sort of execution flair that you really need to be doing nonstop in order to pull off an otherwise referential concept. In the space this takes, I'd say you want to aim for around ten or more clever gags like that, not just two or three. Thanks for writing, though!

Does Superman watch soap operas in his free time?

I like the idea of escapism for what already is a character in an escapist fantasy. And having the superhero actually learning something from the comic was a nice touch which tied it all together.

It does need work, however. A bit of polish could make this bright to a silver shine.

Couple sentences in, I'm thinking "the word wasn't bad and there'll be a punchline profanity at the end" and tabbing down to the end to check what the punchline's going to be. Yep. And the other gag is... AJ's accent, which is bad because reasons? I wanted to look back up and find some explanation of why y'all's a bad word, but there ain't one. So I dunno, shucks.

Solid structure, but for this type of comedy that's a bit of a problem, because the structure is recognizable and predictable. Feels like it's lacking a bit of spice to get to the heights of funny it wants to. Decent effort though, thanks for writing!

"I can't sleep now, Spike. Somepony is wrong about something."

Lovely. Just, lovely.

Much as the story itself, I may add. You had some great stuff here. Interesting premise, fun execution. I loved the dialogue and all the character interactions.

And then you shot yourself on the foot by aborting the story and giving us a non-ending. That soured my mood in a hurry.

I hope you finish this sometime, author. I'll be sure to read it then.

This piece feels very arbitrary.

Twilight has, apparently, gone evil, for [reasons] in [some way] in a grim future where [something] went wrong. Celestia thinks she cannot be recovered, because [reasons]. Luna thinks she can, because idealism. Cadance agrees to help, because... also idealism? They come up with [method] which involves dream simulating the entire series, and this will work because [reasons]. But it doesn't work, because Twilight [somethings] because [reasons] which they don't understand. But finally making the dream more realistic works, because [reasons], and suddenly, everything will be okay, because [reasons]. (And Celestia will not solar flare the entire resurrect a supervillain project when she discovers it (which she hasn't already because [reasons]), because [friendship reasons].)

And that's the whole story.

There are too many unexplained, arbitrary "it works this way for the sake of the story" factors for me to really get into the feeling of what this is about, so the plot and themes don't do much for me. Perhaps a bit too complex for mini format? I see what the author was trying to do, but it seems very difficult to get there in a satisfying manner while also setting up the complex frame story.

Prose and structure aren't bad, though. Decent effort. Thanks for writing!

Ef-i-en-a-el-el-wye a-en a tee-ar-u-e tee-ar-o-el-el e-en-tee-ar-wye. I double u-a-ess ess-tee-a-ar-tee-i-en-gee tee-o bee-e-el-i-e-vee-e I double u-o-u-el-dee-en-apostrophe-tee gee-e-tee tee-o ar-e-a-dee o-en-e.

Double u-aitch-a-t cee-a-en I ess-a-wye? A-tee el-e-a-ess-tee wye-o-u gee-o-tee a cee-aitch-u-cee-kay-el-e o-u-t o-efem-e.

I ar-a-tee-e i-tee a-pee-pee-el-e o-u-tee o-ef bee-e-e.

Beautiful. I had the whole "Welcome to Writeoff, Sad Sunbutt appears every round and is more overdone than a Golden Corral steak" and then it hit.

The actual resolution is not as funny as it could be, but this is how you execute a twist end. Good setup, good attention to detail, balances the tropes and draws me in for the strike. Good stuff, thanks for writing!

I'unno. I feel cardboard Discord's responses carried this story, because otherwise there's not much else this.

I mean, you did a great job with that, but it's not quite enough for me. Speaking of not quite enough, what exactly was Spike doing? Skipping out on Twilight by setting up a fake fortune teller stand with Discord's answering machine to make a few bits? What?

Overall, this doesn't quite meet my standards. It's a neat concept, but that alone doesn't carry a story.

PNES HURT ME

You, uh, you probably should've chosen to leave the other vowel instead.

So, Luna and Cadence are running Twilight's mind through reruns of FiM to purge her of evil. Who do we have to blame for the poor handling of Twilight's ascension?

But I digress. I mostly agree with >>Ranmilia, this feels like the first draft of a longer story. And I'd definitely read a full version of this concept.

You're good, author. I hope you fare better next time.

I... Don't really get it.

It's a good enough story to read, but after having read it I'm left with way more questions than answers, and it's rather unsatisfying. Why did Luna end the dream before the mare could figure out what was behind the door? What was up with the photograph and magazines? Is "the creature" in the last line talking about what was behind the door, and if so, what even was behind the door? If this was supposed to be a mystery, I feel like you've kept too many of the pieces of this puzzle hidden for me to even see that there's a cohesive picture to begin with.

In the end, it seems like a character piece where I don't know the characters or the context. I'm instead left grasping some straws and wondering why they matter.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Reading comment this gave me more of a headache than reading this story did.

I'm going to agree with Hat, this feels like it tries to be too many jokes at once without solidifying any one joke enough to have real punch. I also think you focused on the gruesome nature of the event a bit too much for this to feel like a true comedy. Maybe if you'd described it in less harsh, gorey ways it could've been funnier, but it instead struck a semi-uncomfortable middle-ground.

What is the reason for that last part? Without it, you would have a complete arc with a character learning a lesson and bettering himself, something that really fits the show.
I'm guessing that you were afraid to simply end your story on an 'everything is resolved and everyone's happy and friends' ending, fearing that your reader would roll her eyes before such naivety and innocence. But this is MLP we're talking about, and the audience here is prepared for that kind of tone. Moreover, I'm quite sure most of us are more than prepared for this, they actually enjoy it (I enjoy it). So I don't really understand the reason for the hard switch at the end. (I'm assuming a lot of things so sorry if I'm wrong)

Aside from that, the rest of the story is great. The interaction between Twi and Aj was enjoyable and, while it wasn't the best voice for these characters I've seen, their dialogs were quite in character.
Some of your jokes made me chuckle too.

"I'm not the racist one. You're being… you're being… fruitist."

since the kitchen was full of pies and the living room was full of Pies

So a solid story, dragged down by the last part for me. A mid-tier. Thank you for sharing.

I liked the subversion of "preening is sexing". I was afraid at first of the direction this story was taking but I sighed in relief to see that this was only a platonic moment between two friends.

The ending was a bit obvious when I saw Twilight nerding about symmetry. And while the predictable ending didn't bother me at all, I feel like it could be more punchy. I don't really know how, but it felt a bit weak.

So good story with a nice subversion of MLP fanfic trope. Thank you for that and for sharing.

Genre: Le la subversion

Thoughts: There's a line toward the midpoint where the story tips its hat to the audience:

"We'll be playing some of my favorite games together, in my private bedroom. It's been too long since I had a partner. I sure hope you have a lot of stamina."

Oho, Night Princess visits Gamer Human and invites him to her bedchamber to get busy with his magic hands! ♪ Bow-chicka-wow-wow... ♪ And then of course we get the swerve. It was a moment that was clearly trying to be funny, and that I could laugh at a bit regardless... but I felt like the swerve was a bit too abrupt to maximize its potential. The story is only 500-ish words, so there could've been more room to let that moment breathe. But right now, the swerve relies on a time-jump taking place within a single line and without much transition, and while it's easy to follow what's going on plot-wise (heh heh, plot), it makes the audience work at a moment when it'd feel more natural to let them enjoy the ride. If you know what I mean. :-P (Do I know what I mean?) D:

And that's a shame because the rest of the setup, as well as the framing device with all the clicks, otherwise works pretty well. Fundamentally the scope of what the plot is trying to accomplish makes this not the most ambitious story, but that's not necessarily a problem; if anything, a minific round is the perfect time to do this sort of one-and-done sillyfic. But it does mean I'm inclined to ding it a little harder for the punchline not quite landing, even though it's otherwise put together pretty well from a technical perspective.

Tier: Needs Work

>>Zaid Val'Roa

The Matrix was released on March 31, 1999. The first version of the iPod was released on October 23, 2001, and Reloaded and Revolutions came out on May 15, 2003 and November 5, 2003 respectively.

Illuminati confirmed

:-P

I see what you aimed for with this story and I enjoyed it.

However, not knowing what the two sisters are arguing about holds me from granting it some additional bonus points. Working around such constraints is hard and adding the reason for the arguing probably couldn't fit in the story as it is.

Moreover, bureaucracy criticism isn't a new topic and this story doesn't have a new take on this subject, but the sisters' voices sound right.

Thank you for sharing.

See >>AndrewRogue for the praise and >>Ranmilia for the criticism. This is a too short format for the story you want to tell. Explains things, show us how Twilight had become evil, and why.

And if, by chance, the story is meant to say that the entire show is dream sequences induced by Luna once she has got it right, be more obvious.

Thank you for your work and good luck if you ever expand it to publish it on FimFic.

I stopped my reading at the end of the first paragraph to nitpick a bit.

Somepony is wrong about something

This is not enough to end your paragraph and hook your reader, this is too vague. Be more precised. The use of italic doesn't really help in this case, it's quite the contrary.

Okay, I now finished reading the story and I see that I don't agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa on the line I mentionned. I also disagree with the rest. What you have here feels heterogeneous. The tone of your story seems to switch from serious to absurd to comedy before ending on a joke.

Speaking of the 'joke' and the ending, I would rather see this announced in the beginning. The first paragraph would have been a great place to say something like 'in the previous episode, Twilight was looking for answers about...'

I also don't get the thing about the origami and what it adds to the story and/or the characters.

Sorry but this one didn't appeal to me. If this is meant to be the first episode of a serie you're gonna publish on FimFic, that's not a bad start, but as it is, it doesn't stand on its own for a Writeoff round. Still, thank you for sharing.

>>CoffeeMinion
Subversion is féminine in French: LA subversion :)

My take on the story is pretty much a mix of what >>Zaid Val'Roa and >>Ranmilia said.

The only nitpick I would add is about the 'Three months later' and formating. I'd rather have seen it in italic than separated with two 'hr'.

Headcannon shoved right down to my throat. While it was tasty, it was also a bit sour.

Tasty because why not? After all, this isn't more absurd than anything else and you tell enough to make it stand on its own. Moreover, the little glances we have about what happened to the other characters are both enough to build your world and to get my curiosity to see more about them.

Sour because, in a way, the whole story is pointless. Just like in the first pokemon movie (fear my cultural references 1!1!!), the characters simply forget what happened. Any lesson they could have learned, any progression they could have, any challenge they could have overcome, everything is forgotten. Thus the story feels pointless. If a character don't remember his adventure at the end, I don't know why I should, since it's mainly empathy that drives reader to care for a story.
Moreover, Starlight doesn't learn or overcome anything and that makes the story more like "Look at my headcannon!".

So, to quote others, "Almost there."
Thank you for your work.

I have mixed feelings about this one. What you found for TBD sounds like a good joke but the story is far from being a comedy. It felt more like a fluffy slice of life story. A great one, if I'm honest.

Rarity's voice is great and I couldn't praise you enough for the beginning. Using Scootaloo's bluntness (thus child's bluntness) to tell us that Rarity was blind is brilliant. It avoids the problem of writing "Oh Rarity's blind BTW".

So a solid high tier that will probably be higher once I'd have dealt with the mixed feelings I mentionned earlier.

>>Monokeras
Je vous remercie! Je m'excuse.

>>CoffeeMinion
De rien cher ami !

Absolutely hilarious, with a lot of great detail packed into it; the ongoing origami motif culminating in the shuriken fight had me in stitches.

Then it just stops. On a video game pun, no less. Like, the author realized they were running out of space and was like "ah, shit, I'd better wrap this up... uh, somehow."

It's still funny enough to land high on my current slate, but I can't guarantee it'll stay there as I work my way through the other entries.

Dark, man. I love it.

Contexualize the chase a little more, though, and the circumstances for it. I get the feeling that Windy's plan here is to lure Spitshine away from the camp so he can murder him, both as retaliation for all the abuse, and because Spitshine threatened his sister, but despite all the backstory elements at play, there's not a lot here to explain the action of the story. I'm inferring that this is all part of Windy's plan, but it could just as easily be that Spitshine chased him into the woods, and Windy killed him simply out of self-defense, and even then, only because the opportunity presented itself.

...This is an odd one, and I don't know how to react to it. I'll abstain for now, but I'll come back to it once I've finished off the rest of my slate.

I don't really get the point of this. There's some clever wordplay with the "venture capitol" business, but other than that, there doesn't seem to be a structured plot. Just a series of ideas all converging on the CMC.

I'm also put off by the first half of the story being an extended internet meme...

Also, nitpick: you want to use "capital," not "capitol," in both the senses that you use it here. "Capitol" refers specifically to a legislative building.

A story set in a universe I'm unfamiliar with, and have no interest in pursuing, with disturbing subject matter, that ends on a sudden, comedic reversal.

...Against all odds, I laughed. A good black comedy.

...Apparently, I was supposed to think from the start that this was going to be about anon fingerbanging Luna (the second anon/pony story this writeoff, what the hell?), but the second Luna mentioned video games, I thought "oh, she wants him to play video games with her." And the point of all the innuendo was lost on me.

So I think the big takeaway here is that the reversal is super obvious. My solution to the problem would be to remove Luna asking about video games, and just have the scene in the bedroom emphasize anon's video game proficiency. Maybe Luna could comment on how strong and dexterous his hands are, instead.

I mean, it doesn't make sense for her to ask what video games he plays if she's been observing him closely enough to clock how fast he can micro/macro in StarCraft...

>>Posh
I think the joke here (aside from it's not sex) is that Luna is making him play really bad grindy games (cookie clicker). I appreciated that it set up for one obvious ending but then kind of jumped over it entirely and landed in a different dumb joke.

>>sharpspark ...Fair enough; that is a little more amusing.

"Your castle of ‘friendship’ certainly has well-made cells.”

“It still kind of creeps me out that it came with those.”

I love these lines!

Well that was interesting. I feel like this was a small middle piece of something larger. But I got a good taste of the idea you were trying to convey. Good job.

Genre: As >>Zaid Val'Roa said, it's protest metafiction

Thoughts: This is a well written and fun subversion of what we might expect in a story submitted for this Writeoff. However, this one's really hard for me to put in a tier because it's tough to say exactly what the story is. In that sense, again, I find myself echoing >>Zaid Val'Roa. I think maybe that could've been avoided by giving us a stronger ending. I thought the ending we got was clever and thematically consistent with the rest of it, but it doesn't leave us with much resolution. Still, it feels like the story gets pretty close to working...

Tier: Almost There

This story gives me the impression of being an attempt to boil down a character piece to its essential components, playing with negative space and leaving the reader to fill the void surrounding the ingredients they are served. It kinda reminds me of a deconstructed dish.

I don't think it fully succeeds, but it is an interesting experiment.

I have no comments on the technical side. The prose is evocative if segmented, something that helps to establish the dream logic. The symbols are clear but not much on the nose, which means you used the right amount of subtlety for a minific, IMHO.

While it is well written, the two storylines here, the mundane and the magical approach to the problem, don't reach their full potential mainly because we lack some binding passages. We have only a partial vision of what is happening (akin to the mist that seems to hinder Luna), but we can get the gist. Lacking the investment in the character, which I admit is difficult to achieve in 750 words, the conclusion feels lackluster. Luna's "brute force" approach doesn't help much too.

Using an established character could, maybe, have helped in making us empathize faster.

Solid entry but lacking some ineffable quality.

Thank you for having written it, though, it has been a pleasant read.

this is a pretty funny idea, explaining something that never needed to be explained by having it be even sillier than expected. how else do ponies get their fashionable clothes when stepping through the portal? (is there another goddess who handles the reverse portal?)

the exposition section explaining why Rarity is here drags on way too long, putting the brakes on the humor's momentum. it would've been better to explore more of the consequences of this weird situation going on, adding in extra humor.

Not being able to type is really annoying me today. I would like to write a longer a post on why this almost works for me, but I can't.

Dictation software it is!

Long story short, I had trouble with the narration in this one, because it seems to be moving between easy to read and difficult to read too quickly. The alliteration in particular gives this prose a form of flow, almost, that seems like it should streamline everything, but only ends up making me trip harder when I run across words like "swimswumming" or "porpoise". Maybe it's just me, but I feel like the pacing of your sentences is actually lumpy - some ideas are spread smoothly out across several words, while others attempts to pack multiple ideas into one word. As such, I keep stumbling from one mode of thought to the other, and it was giving me problems as I read.

Moreover, the form-over-function style that this work seems to take is obscuring the action going on behind the words. I have some idea that this is about releasing Discord from some sort of prison, but I can't actually say for sure if that's really the case.

I've never been much for pretty prose for its own sake, and the plot behind it is sparse enough it's not holding my attention on its own. As such, I really didn't find this one particularly immersive, although there's definitely some skill and effort put into the wordsmithing.

Thank you for writing!

the execution of this story is a confusing mess. but I really appreciate the underlying concept it was built upon. there's something really funny about unicorns having impromptu kungfu/quickdraw magic duels. especially over little things (and not taking over Ponyville like Trixie did)

I just don't get the logic going on here in this plot. the story could be whimsical and fun if written with clarity.

More dictation reviews. Sorry if they're short.

… Something something the Lunas have been doubled! Sorry. :P

The swerve in the end is a little problematic, because the story was two person dialog up to that point. So I originally thought it was Twilight speaking and had to do a double take.

Other than that, this mostly works. However it feels like it doesn't have much resolution, because it just kind of stops before anything really happens with the conflict that's been introduced.

Overall, pretty solid construction. But there's not enough going on for me to feel really satisfied.

I don't get it. The story starts on a meta angle but ends with Doctor Whooves? What happened? Where is the conflict and the resolution? If you decided to not have one, where is the character piece? Or the prose?

You set up something, the characters being actors and Twi being the Doctor's 'assistant' but didn't use it to actually tell a story. At least, that's what I got. I don't know, I'm confused.

I hope some people would have better things to say.

Spot on voices for Flim and Flam, funny interactions, solid prose, a complete arc, a funny story. What's left to critic? Two sentences:

"And plus, I'm not used to talking on the right like this—"

"—you're not used to it? Mine is the worst, how do normal ponies handle speaking without a good space?"

Unless there are two meanings for those, they strongly break the 4th wall, something I found jarring and not really fitting Flim and Flam characters.

I was going to comment on this but I wasn't really certain what to say in terms of judging it or offering advice.

But instead I want to try something entirely different, and just talk about what I think the story is saying (or could be saying) because that's interesting and maybe we should do it more often!

To me, the best part is the penultimate paragraph. But first there's other stuff... First you get some interactions with Ember that serve to highlight how dragon culture and pony culture differ. Then it feints a little towards Spike and Ember as a ship, but crosses back for a brief moral on how Sparity is weird. (Which, yes, agreed, but it comes across as slightly pedantic because I've heard that a lot. Others' mileage may vary.)

Finally though we have the penultimate paragraph, where there's the hint of an entirely different story under the surface here. Spike is attracted not even necessarily to Rarity but to pony traits. In contrast, he doesn't find Ember attractive. And he knows that this isn't what's expected of him. It's slightly tragic in that I doubt Twilight would be bothered if Spike had a crush on, say, Sweetie Belle, but she is instead vaguely directing him towards Ember because she's worried about him and is viewing his fixation in terms of age, not in terms of species. But in the process, it's causing Spike to be pushed in a direction he's clearly uncomfortable with. There's (quite obvious) parallels here with someone being attracted to a gender or physical characteristics that they're 'not supposed to,' but rather than it being an obvious (and boring) lesson where some character is a bigot so that their intolerance can be a foil to acceptance, this is a much more interesting nuance in having Twilight be supportive but in exactly the wrong way to actually help him. I like that!

I don't know if the story is totally balanced to get this message across, or if its entirety was planned by the author, but there's something good under the surface here. Thanks to the writer.

>>Fenton
I think this one works great as a double-entendre. "right" can refer to both their formation when speaking to a crowd, and the right margin in the text. "space" can refer to both the visual space on the page, and the space of time before he says his lines. it's kinda 4th wall breaking, but for the characters it's an ironic unintentional way.

So, I laughed, but...

Raven Quill followed behind Celestia, having to make two steps for her every one.

I'm certainly glad that I chose you to be my next advisor, Raven Quill."

"Th-thanks, Princess. But, uh, that's not my name."

uh, what?

Or is this some unreliable narrator thing? If so, I'd suggest first-person, or much closer third. This totally threw me, and still only makes sense with what feels like a bit of a stretch.

Bangs head furiously against keyboard.

Cute, funny, slick execution, nice work! I'm not really sure I 'get' the end, but the stinger was awesome enough.

...and now I'm picturing Twilight with a fidget spinner spiked on her horn. :P