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TBD · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Your Little Pony
“There it is,” you say as you hold the gloss print of a black-and-white ultrasound picture. “Our foal.”

As you sit on the couch, a feathered wing curls around you and you allow yourself to be pulled into Fluttershy’s embrace. You turn your head towards hers, and you immediately catch her contagious smile. She sighs contentedly before resting her head on your shoulder. “It'll only be a few more months now,” she says.

“I know. I love what you did with the nursery, by the way.”

“Really?” she asks as her ears perk up. “I was afraid not committing to a gender would make everything seem too… generic.”

Instead of getting frustrated with her for doubting herself for the millionth time, you smile and place the ultrasound picture on an end table to begin stroking her neck. “No, it's not too generic. I think it's just perfect. Just like us,” you say as you kiss her ear.”

“Just like us?”

“That's right.” Fluttershy's countenance falls abruptly, and quite without noticing it, you stop stroking her neck. “Love? What's wrong?”

You brace yourself for the worst, fully expecting the dam to burst. “It's just… Applejack said today that I--I was a--a--”

“Fluttershy,” you begin soothingly, “what have I told you about listening to other ponies?”

“I know but--”

“But what?”

“It--still hurt.”

You resume petting her as you mentally prepare to conduct damage control on her psyche. “Do you… want to talk about it?”

“She called me a name. A name that made it sound like I'd sleep with anypony anytime just for money or a good time. And coming from the Element of Honesty…”

“Well, is that true what she said?”

“N--no. Of course not. But then she called me a--a pervert.” Fluttershy was now on the verge of tears.

Internally, you sigh. Externally, you almost allow too much time to pass before replying. “Do you remember what Rainbow Dash said last week?”

“That love is love and nopony should be able to keep us apart, no matter what.”

You sigh. “See? That wasn't so--”

“But Rarity has been avoiding me all week, Twilight has been reading every book on genetics and magic and fertility that she can to find out how I got pregnant, and I think Discord might be jealous. I was his closest friend, after all, and I've been spending so much time with you that it's been cutting into my time with him”

The thought of a jealous Discord puts you on edge, but that problem will have to wait. “But there's still Pinkie Pie,” you point out. “She couldn't be happier for you. She even offored to organize our gender reveal party.”

“And in her spare time, she's at odds with Applejack. And that makes it even worse for me.”

“Because Pinkie unintentionally fuels Applejack?”

“Because my friends all hate each other and it's all my fault!”

“Shhh,” you say as you rub her neck. “Your friends don't hate each other. They just--have different opinions. Don't they do that a lot of the time anyways?”

“I guess so.”

“And don't they always come to a resolution?”

“Yeah.”

You smile as Fluttershy looks up at you. “I wouldn't worry about it anymore. We love each other and that's good enough for me. Whaddya say, hon?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” you say as you pick up the picture again.

“Could I look at it too?”

“Of course." You adjust your hand so that Fluttershy can see the ultrasound picture of the centaur in her womb.

"You really think this will be ok?"

"Yes, Fluttershy, I do," you say. And although you really want to believe your own words, you fear that only time wll tell.
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#1 · 2
· · >>007Ben >>007Ben >>007Ben
See, I want to give you the last place in my slot just because you reminded me I'm never going to have a family with a pony. But I'm normally not that petty, so I'll let it slide this time.

This was a very nice vignette, not sure what the 2nd person format added to the story, but I didn't mind. I wished we could have spent more time on the resolution, though. Yeah, their friends will need some time getting used to this, but I feel we needed more to better round up the story. Right now it ends with a simple "Why worry?" and I feel you could have done more.

Also, and this is just a matter of curiosity, why a centaur and not a satyr?
#2 · 2
· · >>007Ben >>007Ben >>007Ben
Cross-species mating between Fluttershy and Anon... hmm.

This has the feel of a greentext, to be blunt. Fluttershy's characterization as a subservient waifu-blob is certainly consistent with the way greentexts are generally written, the better to put the focus on the second person POV character. But she comes across as weaker than she is on the show, and I'm having trouble sympathizing with her. Maybe I'm meant to project myself into the role of Anon, here, but I find myself alienated by both him, and the premise of the story. It's a wish fulfillment story that doesn't actually fulfill any wish from me. And the premise of the ponies all being torn apart by this unholy union of man and butter-pone stretches credulity (where does the idea of Applejack being a closed-minded bigot come from, exactly? Her accent?).

If I'm judging it just on its own merits, in a vacuum, then it's competently written. It handles itself well. It's just... not my thing at all, I'm sorry to say.
#3 · 2
· · >>007Ben >>007Ben >>007Ben
I'm in pretty much the same boat as Posh here (at more or less all levels - his review mimics pretty much everything I'd say). This just isn't really my cup of tea, and Applejack being the pony with the stick up her butt about odd sexual relationships comes off as too on the nose. Also Fluttershy desperately needs some agency beyond being the poor, meek waifu being protected by her big strong man.

That said, what's here is decently executed and should work for anyone looking for this sort of fic. Despite my personal complaints about the waifuness and general subject matter, there are definitely people who that will appeal to if that's really want you to aim for.

I'm just not the audience. I'm more a shipping guy. :p
#4 · 1
· · >>007Ben >>007Ben >>007Ben
Thank you for not making the protagonist the green-skinned question-mark-face racist from 4chan.

This is a touching slice-of-life with interesting ideas. The main problem I have is that it suffers from a large amount of telliness. Rather than show us any of the dialogue from the conflict, you narrate the dialogue with second-hoof dialogue about the dialogue. Using dialogue this way isn't usually a good idea, because it results in unrealistic dialogue. People don't usually talk about, "Hay, remember this? Do you want to say what happened out loud?", etc.

There are many different solutions to this, but they require ramping up the degree of difficulty. Probably the most straightforward approach would be to have tiny vignettes between scene breaks, where we can actually see what AJ has to say, how her facial expressions and body language convey her true feelings, etc. I really think this is the direction you need to push yourself toward as an author.

The second-person viewpoint and 'petting' references imply, in fanon, that this is probably an HiE story. But nothing in the story actually suggests that's who the reader is apart from the ultrasound, and that by itself is inconclusive given the large number of sapient races from the show. It seems very likely to me that the protagonist is actually Iron Will. If you want the reader to be human, I think you should give us a little more clue to go on.

I'm troubled by two things in the story itself. First, it seems like nopony opposed the relationship but they have a problem with the pregnancy, which is strange. Any problems with the pregnancy wouldn't be directed at the parents if the relationship were not opposed, they'd simply be concerns for the foal. Second, it's hard to believe that three of the Mane 6 would be offended by Fluttershy for the better part of a year over this, or that Twilight Sparkle (as Princess of Friendship) would allow that problem to continue for so long. You might be better served by choosing different characters than the Mane 6 for this story because the long duration and depth of antipathy here doesn't feel in character for them.

As a transgender woman, the term "gender reveal party" has always confused the hell out of me. :trollestia: But hopefully the baby will be a hermaphrodite, if only to drive Applejack insane. :ajbemused:
#5 · 1
· · >>007Ben >>007Ben >>007Ben
This story feels like it is some weird combination of wish fulfillment fluff and drama, and it doesn't feel like it quite gets there in either direction. The ending is too ambiguous for a fluff piece, while as a drama piece, the wish fulfillment aspect (and the lack of character for the audience insert) feels like it gets in the way of the drama.
#6 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
Your Little Pony: Retrospective

So I wrote this with the intention of practicing a particular technical element: the surprise ending. The story was supposed to have been constructed to encourage the following train of thought: "Ok, somepony's in a relationship with Fluttershy. Oh, and I see it's a controversial relationship. Wait--why's Twilight trying to figure out how Fluttershy got pregnant? It should be pretty obvious. Unless... Wait! A centaur? Centaur. Um... Half horse, half hu--It was a human the whole time!" In retrospect, human x pony has probably been done about a billion times, so the assumption that the protagonist could have been human was probably in the back of everyone's mind anyways (especially given that I also used second person).

Which brings me to the use of second person. The way I saw it, "You" is the best pronoun to preserve ambiguity. "He" is too direct, "She" is incorrect the way I was using it, and every English teacher I've ever had has drilled into me that "They" is always plural and never singular. And "It" just sounds weird.

The idea for the story itself must have been lingering memories of a poll I saw in one of my MLP groups. Basically, the poster asked what would be the child of a human x pony relationship. The top-voted choice was "they can't procreate," followed by "That's disgusting!" Bringing up third place (and trailing by only a couple votes) was "centaur."

With those issues out of the way, I can now address the other comments. Yeah, Fluttershy relapsed pretty hard into her old ways here, but it's nothing we haven't seen her do in the show. (22 Pranks Later) Idk. Maybe I'm just projecting my own hyper-introversion relapse onto Fluttershy too hard.

I know that I just said Fluttershy is a projection of my own relapse, but I'm also not entirely convinced that Fluttershy isn't just second-guessing herself or her choices. The way the protagonist speaks to her, you'd think he's known Fluttershy for a while, and has seen her second-guess herself before. Maybe he's just trying to push her in a certain direction.

Then, there's Applejack. Not one, but two of you voiced your... concerns about my portrayal of Applejack. Maybe it's a side effect of growing up in church, but I've got some rather strong feelings regarding hyper-traditionalism. Of the mane six, which pony prides herself the most on her traditions? Eeyup. Applejack. I wish I could take the time to--You know what? Go to YouTube and watch "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof. I know it's Judaism and not Christianity, but it's the same basic idea: hyper-traditionalism dictating the entire way of life of a culture. Once you're done, we'll gather in a circle and start singing together. (Traditiooooooon! Tradition! Dai dai dai dai dai. Dai dai dai dai.)

That leaves Rarity and Twilight as the other mane six members not ok with the relationship/pregnancy. Probably, I was falling back on the poll I saw a while back. "That's disgusting" edged out "centaur," so I guess I assumed that a human x pony couple would be as controversial in Equestria as it is here in our world. I wanted a bit of contrast to AJ, so I picked Rarity. Though she still protests the pairing, she does so quietly--a subtle message that avoiding the subject is still a response to it. I didn't mean, however, for Twilight to be numbered among the haters. She simply can't figure out how in either of the couple's worlds they managed to get pregnant. Naturally, she barred herself in the castle library and hasn't come out since.

Probably the most straightforward approach would be to have tiny vignettes between scene breaks, where we can actually see what AJ has to say...


I briefly considered doing this, but for lack of time, I decided against it.

If you feel like I haven't addressed something, I probably haven't. It's tired and I'm late. Night, all.
#7 ·
·
>>007Ben
Just read it now.
I don’t know if it has ever been made, but if you want to push it into drama, try this: Fluttershy dates w/e human, gets pregnant, then dumped. Now she has to decide w/e or not keep the “child”.
#8 · 1
·
Aaaand I just realized I forgot to tag everybody. So if you've already seen my retrospective, I apologize for my tiredness last night. >>TitaniumDragon >>Trick_Question >>AndrewRogue >>Posh >>Zaid Val'Roa
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