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"Thoughts of thoughts, be a witness with disconnected eyes, all be, projected upon them." -TipsyDuck
Original
Minific
27th
21%
20
I can honestly say I read Mono's message on mobile and thought it said "get fuck" which I thought could also be appropriate for the Writeoff. In my defense, I am both dyslexic and used to being sworn at.
>>Mirage8221
...
What? :applejackunsure:
Uh, discarding the manner in which you phrased what I think is the question of why it matters if you cheat if there's no real prizes, the answer there is that it matters because you're participating with other people. It's why you don't cheat at charity events, or friendly competitions, or anything else where you don't stand to gain anything truly substantial: because if you did cheat you'd be being a dick to your fellow participants. It's about respecting your fellows, respecting the competition, and respecting your own quality of work.
Thanks for respecting the rules on your other account, if that is indeed what you meant. Also, what did you mean about an illusion "like ours?" That's the one part of your comment I wasn't able to suss out the meaning of after a fair bit of thought.
...
What? :applejackunsure:
Uh, discarding the manner in which you phrased what I think is the question of why it matters if you cheat if there's no real prizes, the answer there is that it matters because you're participating with other people. It's why you don't cheat at charity events, or friendly competitions, or anything else where you don't stand to gain anything truly substantial: because if you did cheat you'd be being a dick to your fellow participants. It's about respecting your fellows, respecting the competition, and respecting your own quality of work.
Thanks for respecting the rules on your other account, if that is indeed what you meant. Also, what did you mean about an illusion "like ours?" That's the one part of your comment I wasn't able to suss out the meaning of after a fair bit of thought.
>>Icenrose
"Sure, it's not like anyone's still burning this stuff."
Sid couldn't help but smile as the little girl beamed in happiness, picking up some of the long-cooled charcoal and running back to her friends. The group of kids giggled as they drew patterns across the rocks scattered around the dry and grassy plain, some of them wrestling and smearing the char across each-others backs. A disgruntled sigh brought his attention back around the fire, where the elders still sat.
"You cannot simply avoid this forever, Sid," the eldest warned, "the stars did not choose you to be a caretaker. You must let them go."
Sid wilted, stealing once last glance at the children at play before returning his gaze to their village. Very few fires were left burning, as the sun had disappeared over the horizon some time ago, leaving only a fading soft glow to light the sky. The huts still bustled with activity though, and Sid's eyes were drawn particularly to the fires of the cooking hut. Normally, the warm glow of the cooking fires and the delicious smells of smoked meat would make him overjoyed, but now the lights seemed cold and foreboding, the smoke rising from the chimneys twisting to form chains that slowly reached for him.
"Everyone has their purpose among us," another elder explained, "it is how we have survived where our rivals have fallen. You should be proud to support and feed your people."
"I am proud to help my people, elder," Sid paused, his mind screaming at him to stop there, to simply accept his fate, "but..."
Sid let his eyes wander to the children. Only a few moons ago he was among them, leading them on new adventures against fantastical foes, encouraging them against dragons and spirits, carrying the tired on his own back as they made their way home, a smile on every face. He felt an ache in his chest as he imagined life without them. A life where no loud voices called out their new discoveries so that he would come over and tell them how good at exploring they were. A life where little hands didn't pull at his shirt and stuff flowers into his hair. A life where tears weren't stopped by his gentle words, where fights didn't return to friendships by his intervention.
To him, it was no life at all.
"... what if the stars were wrong?" Sid vaguely felt himself asking.
The silence that followed was so absolute, it seemed as if the wind itself had stopped to let the gravity of his heresy sink in. Sid's eyes met those of the eldest, and he shrunk back immediately from the righteous fury held within. Every suggestion of disobedience fled under that gaze, and under the snarling words spoken as if by an angered god.
"They are never wrong."
"Sure, it's not like anyone's still burning this stuff."
Sid couldn't help but smile as the little girl beamed in happiness, picking up some of the long-cooled charcoal and running back to her friends. The group of kids giggled as they drew patterns across the rocks scattered around the dry and grassy plain, some of them wrestling and smearing the char across each-others backs. A disgruntled sigh brought his attention back around the fire, where the elders still sat.
"You cannot simply avoid this forever, Sid," the eldest warned, "the stars did not choose you to be a caretaker. You must let them go."
Sid wilted, stealing once last glance at the children at play before returning his gaze to their village. Very few fires were left burning, as the sun had disappeared over the horizon some time ago, leaving only a fading soft glow to light the sky. The huts still bustled with activity though, and Sid's eyes were drawn particularly to the fires of the cooking hut. Normally, the warm glow of the cooking fires and the delicious smells of smoked meat would make him overjoyed, but now the lights seemed cold and foreboding, the smoke rising from the chimneys twisting to form chains that slowly reached for him.
"Everyone has their purpose among us," another elder explained, "it is how we have survived where our rivals have fallen. You should be proud to support and feed your people."
"I am proud to help my people, elder," Sid paused, his mind screaming at him to stop there, to simply accept his fate, "but..."
Sid let his eyes wander to the children. Only a few moons ago he was among them, leading them on new adventures against fantastical foes, encouraging them against dragons and spirits, carrying the tired on his own back as they made their way home, a smile on every face. He felt an ache in his chest as he imagined life without them. A life where no loud voices called out their new discoveries so that he would come over and tell them how good at exploring they were. A life where little hands didn't pull at his shirt and stuff flowers into his hair. A life where tears weren't stopped by his gentle words, where fights didn't return to friendships by his intervention.
To him, it was no life at all.
"... what if the stars were wrong?" Sid vaguely felt himself asking.
The silence that followed was so absolute, it seemed as if the wind itself had stopped to let the gravity of his heresy sink in. Sid's eyes met those of the eldest, and he shrunk back immediately from the righteous fury held within. Every suggestion of disobedience fled under that gaze, and under the snarling words spoken as if by an angered god.
"They are never wrong."
>>AndrewRogue
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras
>>WillowWren
>>Whitbane
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Xepher
>>Dolfeus Doseux
Okay so to come clean, yes I did comment on my own story arguing about author's intent. However, I gotta say I honestly was a bit miffed that people thought I was just adding lesbians for points. I do live in a place where marriage is very open, and I tend to use same-sex couples as much as opposite-sex ones in my stories because I don't feel like either one is "special" above the other or needs justification. Just my two cents there.
Anyways, probably the most disappointing thing to hear about this story was that it was cliche. I googled it after seeing comments about that and, yep, sure enough, this was not nearly as original an idea as I thought it was. :pinkiedespair: However, I really appreciate people not being afraid to label it as such. As somebody who, due to spotty literature education among other things, isn't quite aware of what is and is not cliche yet, it helps me build up to someday writing ideas that are far closer to original.
I am glad to hear that most people found the writing itself well-done, it's always nice to feel like you're tangibly improving. I think, in the future, I'll be focusing more on trying to write tighter and more tangible conflicts. Once I can get those down, well, the sky's the limit!
Thank you again to everybody who commented here. :twilightsmile:
EDIT: Oh, also, the all-caps title is for a reason. The actual doomsday clock updates are formatted in all-caps, so I wanted to hint at that with the title and then confirm it with the last line of the story.
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras
>>WillowWren
>>Whitbane
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Xepher
>>Dolfeus Doseux
IT IS ONE SECOND TO RETROSPECTIVE
Okay so to come clean, yes I did comment on my own story arguing about author's intent. However, I gotta say I honestly was a bit miffed that people thought I was just adding lesbians for points. I do live in a place where marriage is very open, and I tend to use same-sex couples as much as opposite-sex ones in my stories because I don't feel like either one is "special" above the other or needs justification. Just my two cents there.
Anyways, probably the most disappointing thing to hear about this story was that it was cliche. I googled it after seeing comments about that and, yep, sure enough, this was not nearly as original an idea as I thought it was. :pinkiedespair: However, I really appreciate people not being afraid to label it as such. As somebody who, due to spotty literature education among other things, isn't quite aware of what is and is not cliche yet, it helps me build up to someday writing ideas that are far closer to original.
I am glad to hear that most people found the writing itself well-done, it's always nice to feel like you're tangibly improving. I think, in the future, I'll be focusing more on trying to write tighter and more tangible conflicts. Once I can get those down, well, the sky's the limit!
Thank you again to everybody who commented here. :twilightsmile:
EDIT: Oh, also, the all-caps title is for a reason. The actual doomsday clock updates are formatted in all-caps, so I wanted to hint at that with the title and then confirm it with the last line of the story.
>>MLPmatthewl419
I second doing another fic based on art round!
Also gonna hopefully participate this time. I've been, uhh, life-changingly sick for the past while now, and I'm hoping there's still something I can make myself do with my time other than stare at walls!
I second doing another fic based on art round!
Also gonna hopefully participate this time. I've been, uhh, life-changingly sick for the past while now, and I'm hoping there's still something I can make myself do with my time other than stare at walls!
It is time for miniature writings of cartoon horse program to distract us from the rest of the everything!
So I started off this round intending to comment on everything in my slate, commented on one story and then got assigned a big coding project. So this time I'm going to try and comment on everything in the finals! Probably!
Since Quill just about curbstomped anything I could say about the meter or flow of this (which is great because boy he knows a lot more then me in that field) I wanted to talk about subject matter.
Somebody above said that this seems too heavy of subject matter for a children's rhyme. I strongly disagree. Some of the most common rhymes I remember from my childhood were very, very heavy and dark when you think about them for more than a second. A child will most likely not understand the heaviness now, but will reflect on it later in life.
That feeling of reflection is really captured here. It's a bit broken by the missing rhymes and breaks in meter, but it still shines through in the piece as a whole. I appreciate this piece a lot for being able to grasp the heart of a children's rhyme as well as the appearance.
Also, this may just be a personal thing for me, but I'd have liked it if you'd used the refrain one more time. Right now, with only one repetition after the initial appearance, it doesn't feel as much like a true refrain. Just once more or so would've made it feel more cohesive imho.
Since Quill just about curbstomped anything I could say about the meter or flow of this (which is great because boy he knows a lot more then me in that field) I wanted to talk about subject matter.
Somebody above said that this seems too heavy of subject matter for a children's rhyme. I strongly disagree. Some of the most common rhymes I remember from my childhood were very, very heavy and dark when you think about them for more than a second. A child will most likely not understand the heaviness now, but will reflect on it later in life.
That feeling of reflection is really captured here. It's a bit broken by the missing rhymes and breaks in meter, but it still shines through in the piece as a whole. I appreciate this piece a lot for being able to grasp the heart of a children's rhyme as well as the appearance.
Also, this may just be a personal thing for me, but I'd have liked it if you'd used the refrain one more time. Right now, with only one repetition after the initial appearance, it doesn't feel as much like a true refrain. Just once more or so would've made it feel more cohesive imho.
I had an idea. It was a pretty neat idea too, I think. And, as usual when I have an idea I really like, I couldn't write a single sentence of it.
I'm not even going to rush a last-ditch crack comedy this time, I'm just going to go to sleep and hope for better inspiration in the next round. :ajsleepy:
I'm not even going to rush a last-ditch crack comedy this time, I'm just going to go to sleep and hope for better inspiration in the next round. :ajsleepy: