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IT IS ONE SECOND TO MIDNIGHT
It almost felt like any other night. Everything was quiet and serene. Dogs barked occasionally in the neighborhood, the wind blew gently through the trees, and birds overhead chirped. Karen stood on her porch, looking up at the night sky and wondering if the end of the world would really be this peaceful.
A cluster of bright specks in the sky caught her attention, and she eyed the new lights with a serene expression that didn't at all match the twisting terror bubbling up inside her. She fiddled with her phone, going back through her texts even though she had already triple checked to make sure she'd messaged everybody she wanted to. She breathed shakily, turning on her heel and going inside.
She paused in the living room of her small, modestly furnished home. Her wife Trish sat on the couch, watching some comedy movie Karen had seen a thousand times. Their cat lounged on the couch next to Trish, enjoying the occasional absent-minded pets. The sounds of the TV felt like they echoed all around the space, filling Karen's head with absent noise. She sat on the other side of the cat, staring at the screen.
"Work was quiet today." Trish eventually said. Karen nodded. The TV blared. The cat rolled over. "I didn't sell as much as usual, but I expected that when... you know." She knew.
"I led prayers this morning for anyone whose relatives didn't come to be with them." Karen responded. "We said our goodbyes and I helped them write letters to their families." It was just a formality when the postal service had stopped already, but it made the older members of the nursing home feel more at ease. Trish knew this, but she nodded like she thought those letters would ever arrive. The TV still blared. The cat yawned.
A siren wailed somewhere, but nobody flinched. Both women glanced outside to find the neighborhood still appearing as peaceful as ever, with some people standing on their porches with their families and others closing their curtains as the lights in the sky grew more and more and brighter and brighter. The TV competed against the siren wails for only a moment before the sirens went quiet. They had been a formality at best anyways. Everybody already knew.
Karen stood up before she even realized she was doing so, and Trish glanced at her in surprise. Karen found herself turning and heading to the pantry.
"Well, I'm making tea." Karen spoke suddenly, acutely aware of the confused look she was getting. "Do you want some? I'd been saving this blend I got for a special occasion. It's called "berry field" and the salesman told me it's his favorite." Karen had always meant to get into drinking tea instead of coffee, even if Trish teased her about it. To Karen's surprise, Trish nodded.
"Yeah. That sounds nice." Trish eventually said. Karen nodded back. She walked over to the kettle and filled it with water, setting it on the burner to boil. She grabbed two teacups, trying to keep her hands from shaking as she put the teabags in them. The cat wandered over at some point to brush against and between Karen's legs while purring loudly. She picked the cat up, stroking its fur as steam finally vented from the kettle.
Karen sat back on the couch with the cat on her lap and Trish beside her. Both women held cups of tea that swirled a brighter and brighter red. The comedy movie was almost at the end, but despite their eyes being glued to it, neither of them paid much attention.
"Got my last message a bit ago. Has anybody texted you back?" Trish asked, her voice quiet.
"Almost everyone, just waiting on my father." Karen answered. "You know how he is."
"Yeah."
Both of them sipped their tea. The salesman had been right, it was a very nice blend. Karen thought that she should have tried it far sooner.
Trish reached out and took one of Karen's hands in her own, a tiny smile on her face. Karen looked back slowly, ashamed of her wife's smile when the only things she had to offer were gathering tears. Their hands shook together.
Outside, the lights had grown enormous. The air filled with a steadily growing whine. The credits rolled on the TV. The cat breathed calmly, having fallen asleep. Karen and Trish leaned against each-other, their arms and lips locked.
The doomsday clock hit midnight.
A cluster of bright specks in the sky caught her attention, and she eyed the new lights with a serene expression that didn't at all match the twisting terror bubbling up inside her. She fiddled with her phone, going back through her texts even though she had already triple checked to make sure she'd messaged everybody she wanted to. She breathed shakily, turning on her heel and going inside.
She paused in the living room of her small, modestly furnished home. Her wife Trish sat on the couch, watching some comedy movie Karen had seen a thousand times. Their cat lounged on the couch next to Trish, enjoying the occasional absent-minded pets. The sounds of the TV felt like they echoed all around the space, filling Karen's head with absent noise. She sat on the other side of the cat, staring at the screen.
"Work was quiet today." Trish eventually said. Karen nodded. The TV blared. The cat rolled over. "I didn't sell as much as usual, but I expected that when... you know." She knew.
"I led prayers this morning for anyone whose relatives didn't come to be with them." Karen responded. "We said our goodbyes and I helped them write letters to their families." It was just a formality when the postal service had stopped already, but it made the older members of the nursing home feel more at ease. Trish knew this, but she nodded like she thought those letters would ever arrive. The TV still blared. The cat yawned.
A siren wailed somewhere, but nobody flinched. Both women glanced outside to find the neighborhood still appearing as peaceful as ever, with some people standing on their porches with their families and others closing their curtains as the lights in the sky grew more and more and brighter and brighter. The TV competed against the siren wails for only a moment before the sirens went quiet. They had been a formality at best anyways. Everybody already knew.
Karen stood up before she even realized she was doing so, and Trish glanced at her in surprise. Karen found herself turning and heading to the pantry.
"Well, I'm making tea." Karen spoke suddenly, acutely aware of the confused look she was getting. "Do you want some? I'd been saving this blend I got for a special occasion. It's called "berry field" and the salesman told me it's his favorite." Karen had always meant to get into drinking tea instead of coffee, even if Trish teased her about it. To Karen's surprise, Trish nodded.
"Yeah. That sounds nice." Trish eventually said. Karen nodded back. She walked over to the kettle and filled it with water, setting it on the burner to boil. She grabbed two teacups, trying to keep her hands from shaking as she put the teabags in them. The cat wandered over at some point to brush against and between Karen's legs while purring loudly. She picked the cat up, stroking its fur as steam finally vented from the kettle.
Karen sat back on the couch with the cat on her lap and Trish beside her. Both women held cups of tea that swirled a brighter and brighter red. The comedy movie was almost at the end, but despite their eyes being glued to it, neither of them paid much attention.
"Got my last message a bit ago. Has anybody texted you back?" Trish asked, her voice quiet.
"Almost everyone, just waiting on my father." Karen answered. "You know how he is."
"Yeah."
Both of them sipped their tea. The salesman had been right, it was a very nice blend. Karen thought that she should have tried it far sooner.
Trish reached out and took one of Karen's hands in her own, a tiny smile on her face. Karen looked back slowly, ashamed of her wife's smile when the only things she had to offer were gathering tears. Their hands shook together.
Outside, the lights had grown enormous. The air filled with a steadily growing whine. The credits rolled on the TV. The cat breathed calmly, having fallen asleep. Karen and Trish leaned against each-other, their arms and lips locked.
The doomsday clock hit midnight.
This one's not my cup of tea, and I've already had quite a few cups of the same kind of minute-before-the-apocalypse before coming to this one.
It doesn't have any major missteps, but adding lesbians to something does not make it automatically better.
It doesn't have any major missteps, but adding lesbians to something does not make it automatically better.
ALL CAPS TITLE. DANGER.
But seriously, this one was actually well written and almost a little bit touching.
Unfortunately, it falls into the very, very familiar trope of "doing nothing as the end comes." It does that trope well—better than most—but there's not much of a story here, just a kind of cliche scene I'm afraid.
But seriously, this one was actually well written and almost a little bit touching.
Unfortunately, it falls into the very, very familiar trope of "doing nothing as the end comes." It does that trope well—better than most—but there's not much of a story here, just a kind of cliche scene I'm afraid.
Generically competent. It tries to inspire a sort of calm dread, the inexorable doom encroaching upon all reality, yet the niche it tries to fill is already stuffed to the brim with others of its ilk. Not the worst attempt, nor the best, it simply is. As others have said, trying to inject a lesbian couple without actually making it matter in the least feels more of a detractor via virtue signaling than a worthy wrinkle to a tired concept. If the cat had gone full 'So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish' it would have be been far more impactful.
Reminds me very much of How To Make A Friend At The End of The World.
Written solidly. The setting seems almost calm for the calamity about to happen. It's a nice piece.
Written solidly. The setting seems almost calm for the calamity about to happen. It's a nice piece.
I gotta say it's a little weird that (even as mare-on-mare shipping is pretty standard in pony stories) a relationship between two (presumably) human women is called out for just existing.
Without much else going on in the narrative, I guess you might see the standard plot and think it's a "revolutionize instantly: just add same-sex relationship" gimmick. People do stuff like that, sure. But when characters depart from your expected default, their differences don't have to be a function of the plot or a political statement. Lesbians don't have to do Lesbian Things to justify their presence in a story. They can just be there. Unremarked on, even.
Without much else going on in the narrative, I guess you might see the standard plot and think it's a "revolutionize instantly: just add same-sex relationship" gimmick. People do stuff like that, sure. But when characters depart from your expected default, their differences don't have to be a function of the plot or a political statement. Lesbians don't have to do Lesbian Things to justify their presence in a story. They can just be there. Unremarked on, even.
>>WillowWren
I have to agree here. Maybe it's because I live in a place where same sex marriage is very normalized, but I didn't even think for more than a second about the fact that they were lesbian, and I don't think the author thought about it either. If the story emphasized them being lesbian a lot I might've thought the token lesbian was being invoked, but it didn't feel that way.
Though maybe the author was just trying to get the most controversial prize on an otherwise plain story, who knows. :ajshrug:
I have to agree here. Maybe it's because I live in a place where same sex marriage is very normalized, but I didn't even think for more than a second about the fact that they were lesbian, and I don't think the author thought about it either. If the story emphasized them being lesbian a lot I might've thought the token lesbian was being invoked, but it didn't feel that way.
Though maybe the author was just trying to get the most controversial prize on an otherwise plain story, who knows. :ajshrug:
>>DuskPhoenix
That was my thought upon reading the reviews. I don't think the author thought, "Alright, I'll take this idea and add lesbians. Groundbreaking!"
It's just another one of the dead-end stories that enter the Writeoff, but it happens to have lesbians. I don't think it deserves to be remarked on.
Having said that, I'm sure the first commenter only mentioned lesbians as a joke.
That was my thought upon reading the reviews. I don't think the author thought, "Alright, I'll take this idea and add lesbians. Groundbreaking!"
It's just another one of the dead-end stories that enter the Writeoff, but it happens to have lesbians. I don't think it deserves to be remarked on.
Having said that, I'm sure the first commenter only mentioned lesbians as a joke.
I'm with Xepher here. I thought the prose was a bit too much adverb ridden, and that gave like a ponderous aftertaste. However, it might be exactly what you were going for.
I'm afraid I haven't much to say the others yet didn't. The piece is solid, but the trope is like garden variety. It adds nothing really new. Like, I don't know. Maybe you'd have them both shoot themselves just before the deadline, that would've shaken the reader out of the very quiet and soporific atmosphere you depict.
Well, I don't know. As is, it just feels... sluggish?
I'm afraid I haven't much to say the others yet didn't. The piece is solid, but the trope is like garden variety. It adds nothing really new. Like, I don't know. Maybe you'd have them both shoot themselves just before the deadline, that would've shaken the reader out of the very quiet and soporific atmosphere you depict.
Well, I don't know. As is, it just feels... sluggish?
>>Oblomov
Keep in mind that I am a time-travelling medieval peasant that can't always recall the particular mores of the timeframe he's visiting.
Having said that, I'm sure the first commenter only mentioned lesbians as a joke.
Keep in mind that I am a time-travelling medieval peasant that can't always recall the particular mores of the timeframe he's visiting.
One of the great risks about doing a low-key story about a high-key event (the end of the world) is that it can feel a bit too uneventful. However, this story’s focus on all the small details of this world (the post office, the cat, the television) really makes this story pop. I really understood how this apocalypse would feel, even if I was just hanging out in my house. I also enjoyed how the breakdown of society is such a non-issue at this point that Karen only offhandedly mentions it. It really shows how screwed everybody is, where the terror of destruction has just sort of lulled into acceptance.
However, I have to admit that while the story is interesting to read, it doesn’t really provide a compelling conflict. The world is ending, yes, but that doesn’t really give us any interesting character interactions. Karen and Trish don’t reaffirm their love or come together at the final moment, as they were already happy with one another (well, as happy as one can be in this situation). Karen’s relationship with her father gets a brief mention, but that remained unresolved by the story’s end. This is the story’s biggest weakness: by skipping to the “acceptance” stage of Grief, the story robs a lot of the internal conflicts that this apocalypse might’ve been provided. Without these, nothing really drives me to be concerned about these characters. If they’ve accepted their fates, why shouldn’t we?
A well-written story that needs a more tangible conflict to be effective.
However, I have to admit that while the story is interesting to read, it doesn’t really provide a compelling conflict. The world is ending, yes, but that doesn’t really give us any interesting character interactions. Karen and Trish don’t reaffirm their love or come together at the final moment, as they were already happy with one another (well, as happy as one can be in this situation). Karen’s relationship with her father gets a brief mention, but that remained unresolved by the story’s end. This is the story’s biggest weakness: by skipping to the “acceptance” stage of Grief, the story robs a lot of the internal conflicts that this apocalypse might’ve been provided. Without these, nothing really drives me to be concerned about these characters. If they’ve accepted their fates, why shouldn’t we?
A well-written story that needs a more tangible conflict to be effective.
>>AndrewRogue
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras
>>WillowWren
>>Whitbane
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Xepher
>>Dolfeus Doseux
Okay so to come clean, yes I did comment on my own story arguing about author's intent. However, I gotta say I honestly was a bit miffed that people thought I was just adding lesbians for points. I do live in a place where marriage is very open, and I tend to use same-sex couples as much as opposite-sex ones in my stories because I don't feel like either one is "special" above the other or needs justification. Just my two cents there.
Anyways, probably the most disappointing thing to hear about this story was that it was cliche. I googled it after seeing comments about that and, yep, sure enough, this was not nearly as original an idea as I thought it was. :pinkiedespair: However, I really appreciate people not being afraid to label it as such. As somebody who, due to spotty literature education among other things, isn't quite aware of what is and is not cliche yet, it helps me build up to someday writing ideas that are far closer to original.
I am glad to hear that most people found the writing itself well-done, it's always nice to feel like you're tangibly improving. I think, in the future, I'll be focusing more on trying to write tighter and more tangible conflicts. Once I can get those down, well, the sky's the limit!
Thank you again to everybody who commented here. :twilightsmile:
EDIT: Oh, also, the all-caps title is for a reason. The actual doomsday clock updates are formatted in all-caps, so I wanted to hint at that with the title and then confirm it with the last line of the story.
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras
>>WillowWren
>>Whitbane
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Xepher
>>Dolfeus Doseux
IT IS ONE SECOND TO RETROSPECTIVE
Okay so to come clean, yes I did comment on my own story arguing about author's intent. However, I gotta say I honestly was a bit miffed that people thought I was just adding lesbians for points. I do live in a place where marriage is very open, and I tend to use same-sex couples as much as opposite-sex ones in my stories because I don't feel like either one is "special" above the other or needs justification. Just my two cents there.
Anyways, probably the most disappointing thing to hear about this story was that it was cliche. I googled it after seeing comments about that and, yep, sure enough, this was not nearly as original an idea as I thought it was. :pinkiedespair: However, I really appreciate people not being afraid to label it as such. As somebody who, due to spotty literature education among other things, isn't quite aware of what is and is not cliche yet, it helps me build up to someday writing ideas that are far closer to original.
I am glad to hear that most people found the writing itself well-done, it's always nice to feel like you're tangibly improving. I think, in the future, I'll be focusing more on trying to write tighter and more tangible conflicts. Once I can get those down, well, the sky's the limit!
Thank you again to everybody who commented here. :twilightsmile:
EDIT: Oh, also, the all-caps title is for a reason. The actual doomsday clock updates are formatted in all-caps, so I wanted to hint at that with the title and then confirm it with the last line of the story.
>>DuskPhoenix
I'm mostly joking about the title being in all caps, it's a flag on a bad story sometimes, but not in this case. Mostly because the prompt submission page is so clear about things being in proper title case, that the actual titles not being is... amusing.
As for it being "cliche." I throw that word around a lot, but... someone said exactly the same criticism on my story. And most others. I want to clarify that a story does NOT have to be an original idea to be good. That's because, original or not, an idea alone isn't a story. The execution of that idea, the embodiment of it in a narrative is what makes it good or bad. Sure, a good, original/new idea can help, but it is not required. So please don't think you have to be a well-read literary expert to know what's "cliche" or not before you can write well. Just keep at it, and even if something is "cliche" to one or two people, it likely won't be to most. A some of the best stories are retelling or reusing "classic" tropes and memes. I mean, The Lion King is basically just Hamlet after all. :-)
I'm mostly joking about the title being in all caps, it's a flag on a bad story sometimes, but not in this case. Mostly because the prompt submission page is so clear about things being in proper title case, that the actual titles not being is... amusing.
As for it being "cliche." I throw that word around a lot, but... someone said exactly the same criticism on my story. And most others. I want to clarify that a story does NOT have to be an original idea to be good. That's because, original or not, an idea alone isn't a story. The execution of that idea, the embodiment of it in a narrative is what makes it good or bad. Sure, a good, original/new idea can help, but it is not required. So please don't think you have to be a well-read literary expert to know what's "cliche" or not before you can write well. Just keep at it, and even if something is "cliche" to one or two people, it likely won't be to most. A some of the best stories are retelling or reusing "classic" tropes and memes. I mean, The Lion King is basically just Hamlet after all. :-)
>>Xepher
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to say something similar but that's pretty much it. ^ I don't mind seeing plots I've seen before if there's something else about the story that makes it worth reading.
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to say something similar but that's pretty much it. ^ I don't mind seeing plots I've seen before if there's something else about the story that makes it worth reading.