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Genre: Le la subversion
Thoughts: There's a line toward the midpoint where the story tips its hat to the audience:
Oho, Night Princess visits Gamer Human and invites him to her bedchamber to get busy with his magic hands! ♪ Bow-chicka-wow-wow... ♪ And then of course we get the swerve. It was a moment that was clearly trying to be funny, and that I could laugh at a bit regardless... but I felt like the swerve was a bit too abrupt to maximize its potential. The story is only 500-ish words, so there could've been more room to let that moment breathe. But right now, the swerve relies on a time-jump taking place within a single line and without much transition, and while it's easy to follow what's going on plot-wise (heh heh, plot), it makes the audience work at a moment when it'd feel more natural to let them enjoy the ride. If you know what I mean. :-P (Do I know what I mean?) D:
And that's a shame because the rest of the setup, as well as the framing device with all the clicks, otherwise works pretty well. Fundamentally the scope of what the plot is trying to accomplish makes this not the most ambitious story, but that's not necessarily a problem; if anything, a minific round is the perfect time to do this sort of one-and-done sillyfic. But it does mean I'm inclined to ding it a little harder for the punchline not quite landing, even though it's otherwise put together pretty well from a technical perspective.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: There's a line toward the midpoint where the story tips its hat to the audience:
"We'll be playing some of my favorite games together, in my private bedroom. It's been too long since I had a partner. I sure hope you have a lot of stamina."
Oho, Night Princess visits Gamer Human and invites him to her bedchamber to get busy with his magic hands! ♪ Bow-chicka-wow-wow... ♪ And then of course we get the swerve. It was a moment that was clearly trying to be funny, and that I could laugh at a bit regardless... but I felt like the swerve was a bit too abrupt to maximize its potential. The story is only 500-ish words, so there could've been more room to let that moment breathe. But right now, the swerve relies on a time-jump taking place within a single line and without much transition, and while it's easy to follow what's going on plot-wise (heh heh, plot), it makes the audience work at a moment when it'd feel more natural to let them enjoy the ride. If you know what I mean. :-P (Do I know what I mean?) D:
And that's a shame because the rest of the setup, as well as the framing device with all the clicks, otherwise works pretty well. Fundamentally the scope of what the plot is trying to accomplish makes this not the most ambitious story, but that's not necessarily a problem; if anything, a minific round is the perfect time to do this sort of one-and-done sillyfic. But it does mean I'm inclined to ding it a little harder for the punchline not quite landing, even though it's otherwise put together pretty well from a technical perspective.
Tier: Needs Work
...Apparently, I was supposed to think from the start that this was going to be about anon fingerbanging Luna (the second anon/pony story this writeoff, what the hell?), but the second Luna mentioned video games, I thought "oh, she wants him to play video games with her." And the point of all the innuendo was lost on me.
So I think the big takeaway here is that the reversal is super obvious. My solution to the problem would be to remove Luna asking about video games, and just have the scene in the bedroom emphasize anon's video game proficiency. Maybe Luna could comment on how strong and dexterous his hands are, instead.
I mean, it doesn't make sense for her to ask what video games he plays if she's been observing him closely enough to clock how fast he can micro/macro in StarCraft...
So I think the big takeaway here is that the reversal is super obvious. My solution to the problem would be to remove Luna asking about video games, and just have the scene in the bedroom emphasize anon's video game proficiency. Maybe Luna could comment on how strong and dexterous his hands are, instead.
I mean, it doesn't make sense for her to ask what video games he plays if she's been observing him closely enough to clock how fast he can micro/macro in StarCraft...
>>Posh
I think the joke here (aside from it's not sex) is that Luna is making him play really bad grindy games (cookie clicker). I appreciated that it set up for one obvious ending but then kind of jumped over it entirely and landed in a different dumb joke.
I think the joke here (aside from it's not sex) is that Luna is making him play really bad grindy games (cookie clicker). I appreciated that it set up for one obvious ending but then kind of jumped over it entirely and landed in a different dumb joke.
I enjoyed the twist, though I was pretty suspicious going in. Why look for gamers if you're not after gaming. As >>sharpspark observed, though, more of the humor lay in it being menial gaming.
Outside of the plot, it did have some mechanical issues. For example the title would usually be Luna's, not Lunnas. It would benefit from a copy editor pass.
It also felt like it would've helped to have a stronger scene break between him opening the door and almost nodding off.
Outside of the plot, it did have some mechanical issues. For example the title would usually be Luna's, not Lunnas. It would benefit from a copy editor pass.
It also felt like it would've helped to have a stronger scene break between him opening the door and almost nodding off.
>>Caliaponia
The title (Lunnas APM) is a reference to https://writeoff.me/fic/746-Lunnas-Ache (with APM being the abbreviation for 'actions per minute,' commonly used to indicate skill in something like Starcraft)
References to things that no one remembers are the best references.
The title (Lunnas APM) is a reference to https://writeoff.me/fic/746-Lunnas-Ache (with APM being the abbreviation for 'actions per minute,' commonly used to indicate skill in something like Starcraft)
References to things that no one remembers are the best references.
This was adorable. Yay Moonflank! :huzzahluna:
Be careful about redundancy, because readers don't like to read what they can infer (plus it saves space in minifics). Sometimes this requires restructuring what you want to say.
The ending was a cute twist, but it fell a little flat for me. I think you need to make more use of the rest of the story for the ending to have more of an impact. Maybe show us Alex playing a game or two and how intensely he gets into the competitive side of it. Also, show us how he gets bored in the human world.
...decorated with a stylish Princess Luna wallpaper. He was a fan of MLP...
Be careful about redundancy, because readers don't like to read what they can infer (plus it saves space in minifics). Sometimes this requires restructuring what you want to say.
The ending was a cute twist, but it fell a little flat for me. I think you need to make more use of the rest of the story for the ending to have more of an impact. Maybe show us Alex playing a game or two and how intensely he gets into the competitive side of it. Also, show us how he gets bored in the human world.
>>sharpspark
I clicked the link. That is some next level trippy. :derpyderp2:
Edit: though in clicking around that Writeoff's stories I found a gem that I likely would've TC'd the heck out of if it hadn't been before my time
I clicked the link. That is some next level trippy. :derpyderp2:
Edit: though in clicking around that Writeoff's stories I found a gem that I likely would've TC'd the heck out of if it hadn't been before my time
>>sharpspark
Huh. Would've never gotten that, so thanks for the heads up. Too subtle for me.
Huh. Would've never gotten that, so thanks for the heads up. Too subtle for me.
it's difficult talking about my fics when I did so many in rapid sequence, and they might've influenced each other. and then results are after I've departed for Bronycon and I get back late. NOW I can finally say things about them.
on the bright side, this might confuse people even more with that "TBD" header.
this one I wrote directly after "Preening 101" and all the fake innuendo from that one ended up sneaking over into here. the intended joke is like >>sharpspark says, it's about playing grindy games with Luna. I thought the double fake-out might work, but the fake-flirting just ends up distracting from the videogame joke, so it was a mistake.
on the bright side, this might confuse people even more with that "TBD" header.
this one I wrote directly after "Preening 101" and all the fake innuendo from that one ended up sneaking over into here. the intended joke is like >>sharpspark says, it's about playing grindy games with Luna. I thought the double fake-out might work, but the fake-flirting just ends up distracting from the videogame joke, so it was a mistake.