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Third Base Discord
Twilight gave a long-suffering sigh, her head hitting her desk horn-first. She rubbed her horn and hissed through her teeth as she turned to glare behind her.
"Can you please stop that?"
The wet squelching noises behind her finally, blissfully stopped. Discord looked up in confusion. Twilight tried not to gag at the trail of saliva hanging from his lips.
"Twilight, my dear friend, are you really so insensitive?" Discord asked, his tone wounded as he wrapped his lover in a passionate embrace. "Are you that disgusted with our love?"
Were Twilight able to wither forests with a glare, the entirety of the White-Tail Woods would have been seriously endangered by the expression she gave Discord. Fortunately for the woodland creatures, though unfortunately for Twilight's sense of catharsis, her glare was not nearly that effective.
"Discord," Twilight began, her patience diving further into negative integers every second, "that is a rock."
Discord's eyes widened in shock, his mouth hanging open. Quickly he slapped his hands over his lover's ears, shaking his head.
"I am simply aghast at how rude you can be to my beautiful partner! What did Tom ever do to you?" Discord's voice was like a sea of disappointment over which Twilight floated in her trusty bullshit-resistant boat.
"Nothing," Twilight retorted, "because it's a rock. A rock that you are furiously making out with." Her eyes narrowed further. "In my study."
"On my quills." Spike added quietly, lowering the claw he'd been using to shield his eyes from the scene so he could look in defeat at the crushed writing utensils. "I just bought those too."
Discord looked positively furious. "Oh, I see. You say you're totally fine with us and our true love, but then try to make it so the only place we can be ourselves is while locked away!" He huffed, stroking his lover soothingly as he shot Twilight a glare of his own. "You've become a real politician, princess."
Twilight really did try to keep her eye from twitching. Boy, did she ever try. She folded both hooves over her face, breathing deeply.
"Discord, I'll be honest with you," Twilight strained to keep herself from growling out her words, "I don't care if you sloppily make out with and awkwardly fondle a rock-" she ignored his indignant gasp here "-I really don't. I just ask that you not do so in my study, on my property, for thirty straight minutes."
"We're engaging in civil protest." Discord said dismissively. "Until you end your tyrannical campaign against my love for Tom, I shall not leave or be silenced! In the name of all lovers of rocks!"
Twilight pointed a hoof. "See, you just called him a rock yourself! I mean it! I mean- augh!"
Discord raised his nose to the air, crossing his arms. "I'm allowed to call him a rock, I have a lot of good friends who are rocks." He seemed to take Twilight's enraged silence as acceptance. The draconequuis leaned back into his lover, coiling his entire body against its surface in a way that made Spike pale and back completely out of the room, his quills either forgotten or deemed not worth dealing with this. Discord's lips met his lover like a very slow, wet train crash which released an ungodly smacking sound. It almost masked the sound of Twilight's patience catastrophically snapping.
Both Discord and the rock were violently defenestrated in a blast of magenta magic, a long, enraged scream following them.
Twilight woke up the next morning, gliding blearily down the stairs to the kitchen and pouring herself some coffee. She pulled up her newspaper, glancing through it as she let the caffeine awaken her system. A particularly large headline caught her eye and snapped her wide awake, her jaw dropping. She bolted from the table, leaving behind the bold title "Twilight Sparkle: Princess of Intolerance?" and the picture of a sobbing Discord clutching a rock beneath it.
"DISCORD!"
"Can you please stop that?"
The wet squelching noises behind her finally, blissfully stopped. Discord looked up in confusion. Twilight tried not to gag at the trail of saliva hanging from his lips.
"Twilight, my dear friend, are you really so insensitive?" Discord asked, his tone wounded as he wrapped his lover in a passionate embrace. "Are you that disgusted with our love?"
Were Twilight able to wither forests with a glare, the entirety of the White-Tail Woods would have been seriously endangered by the expression she gave Discord. Fortunately for the woodland creatures, though unfortunately for Twilight's sense of catharsis, her glare was not nearly that effective.
"Discord," Twilight began, her patience diving further into negative integers every second, "that is a rock."
Discord's eyes widened in shock, his mouth hanging open. Quickly he slapped his hands over his lover's ears, shaking his head.
"I am simply aghast at how rude you can be to my beautiful partner! What did Tom ever do to you?" Discord's voice was like a sea of disappointment over which Twilight floated in her trusty bullshit-resistant boat.
"Nothing," Twilight retorted, "because it's a rock. A rock that you are furiously making out with." Her eyes narrowed further. "In my study."
"On my quills." Spike added quietly, lowering the claw he'd been using to shield his eyes from the scene so he could look in defeat at the crushed writing utensils. "I just bought those too."
Discord looked positively furious. "Oh, I see. You say you're totally fine with us and our true love, but then try to make it so the only place we can be ourselves is while locked away!" He huffed, stroking his lover soothingly as he shot Twilight a glare of his own. "You've become a real politician, princess."
Twilight really did try to keep her eye from twitching. Boy, did she ever try. She folded both hooves over her face, breathing deeply.
"Discord, I'll be honest with you," Twilight strained to keep herself from growling out her words, "I don't care if you sloppily make out with and awkwardly fondle a rock-" she ignored his indignant gasp here "-I really don't. I just ask that you not do so in my study, on my property, for thirty straight minutes."
"We're engaging in civil protest." Discord said dismissively. "Until you end your tyrannical campaign against my love for Tom, I shall not leave or be silenced! In the name of all lovers of rocks!"
Twilight pointed a hoof. "See, you just called him a rock yourself! I mean it! I mean- augh!"
Discord raised his nose to the air, crossing his arms. "I'm allowed to call him a rock, I have a lot of good friends who are rocks." He seemed to take Twilight's enraged silence as acceptance. The draconequuis leaned back into his lover, coiling his entire body against its surface in a way that made Spike pale and back completely out of the room, his quills either forgotten or deemed not worth dealing with this. Discord's lips met his lover like a very slow, wet train crash which released an ungodly smacking sound. It almost masked the sound of Twilight's patience catastrophically snapping.
Both Discord and the rock were violently defenestrated in a blast of magenta magic, a long, enraged scream following them.
Twilight woke up the next morning, gliding blearily down the stairs to the kitchen and pouring herself some coffee. She pulled up her newspaper, glancing through it as she let the caffeine awaken her system. A particularly large headline caught her eye and snapped her wide awake, her jaw dropping. She bolted from the table, leaving behind the bold title "Twilight Sparkle: Princess of Intolerance?" and the picture of a sobbing Discord clutching a rock beneath it.
"DISCORD!"
"I'm allowed to call him a rock, I have a lot of good friends who are rocks."
I almost expected him to bring up how he was technically a rock for a millenium. That should count, right? Or would that be considered rockface?
Oh, well.
It's a bit bare bones, but what's there is good. I would have liked to see a a stronger ending, or perhaps a few more instances of Discord ribbing Twilight for her alleged intolerance, maybe citing her previous mistreatment of Tom. Still, you got a smile out of me.
This one is, unfortunately, not really doing it for me.
It's worth keeping in mind what sort of perspective you are using. This is, as close as I can tell, a third person limited based in Twilight's thoughts. So why do we keep referring to Tom as Discord's lover? Twilight doesn't seem to believe that, so, given the perspective we're working in, it is weird to see it repeated so much in earnest.
Beyond that, I think the narrative here falls into what I'd call "trying to hard." I love Sir Terry Pratchett's work, but there is a certain flow and elegance to his more unusual narrative tracts it that is really tricky to replicate, and I don't think this fic manages. Like the withering forest thing - it just comes out of the blue and doesn't really connect to the narrative or story around it. It just comes out of nowhere and slaps us in the face. It is also loooooooooooong, which further reduces the comedic impact. If you want to do these sorts of narrative indulgences, they need to either be ultra clever, super tight, or relate to the work around them (IMO).
That said, solid effort and I suspect there are people who will dig this.
It's worth keeping in mind what sort of perspective you are using. This is, as close as I can tell, a third person limited based in Twilight's thoughts. So why do we keep referring to Tom as Discord's lover? Twilight doesn't seem to believe that, so, given the perspective we're working in, it is weird to see it repeated so much in earnest.
Beyond that, I think the narrative here falls into what I'd call "trying to hard." I love Sir Terry Pratchett's work, but there is a certain flow and elegance to his more unusual narrative tracts it that is really tricky to replicate, and I don't think this fic manages. Like the withering forest thing - it just comes out of the blue and doesn't really connect to the narrative or story around it. It just comes out of nowhere and slaps us in the face. It is also loooooooooooong, which further reduces the comedic impact. If you want to do these sorts of narrative indulgences, they need to either be ultra clever, super tight, or relate to the work around them (IMO).
That said, solid effort and I suspect there are people who will dig this.
The characters are well-voiced here, and the story is straightforward comedy without being rude or unnecessarily subversive.
One character issue: I can't imagine Twilight putting up with this for thirty minutes, or Discord doing anything for thirty minutes. Also, why is Twilight allowing Spike to watch disturbing sexual activity for thirty minutes in her study? Why would Spike even want to be there?
The payoff is a little predictable, which lessens its humor. Adding more to the ending could help.
I got confused a lot as I read this. The following is a series of story segments that baffled me until I reread them at least two more times.
This made it sound like Discord was in love with Twilight, and it confused the Tartarus out of me. It also disappointed me because what a great story that could be, with Twilight frustrated but still in love. Either way, you can't say 'his lover ... embrace' if you've only introduced one other character and it isn't the one who is the lover, or you'll confuse your readers.
And here I thought the author thought that Spike's spikes are similar to porcupine quills.
With no italic or single-quote for 'it', this sentence reads completely differently. I thought that Twilight was suddenly ranting about something else, and the "augh" was because Discord just did something terrible to her.
Twilight can be enraged, but can her silence be enraged? Only now, and Zen.
One character issue: I can't imagine Twilight putting up with this for thirty minutes, or Discord doing anything for thirty minutes. Also, why is Twilight allowing Spike to watch disturbing sexual activity for thirty minutes in her study? Why would Spike even want to be there?
The payoff is a little predictable, which lessens its humor. Adding more to the ending could help.
I got confused a lot as I read this. The following is a series of story segments that baffled me until I reread them at least two more times.
Discord asked, his tone wounded as he wrapped his lover in a passionate embrace. "Are you that disgusted with our love?"
This made it sound like Discord was in love with Twilight, and it confused the Tartarus out of me. It also disappointed me because what a great story that could be, with Twilight frustrated but still in love. Either way, you can't say 'his lover ... embrace' if you've only introduced one other character and it isn't the one who is the lover, or you'll confuse your readers.
"On my quills."
And here I thought the author thought that Spike's spikes are similar to porcupine quills.
"I mean it!"
With no italic or single-quote for 'it', this sentence reads completely differently. I thought that Twilight was suddenly ranting about something else, and the "augh" was because Discord just did something terrible to her.
He seemed to take Twilight's enraged silence as acceptance.
Twilight can be enraged, but can her silence be enraged? Only now, and Zen.
Do you want broos? Because that's how you get broos.
This is barely a narrative, though. Just a collection of jokes, in somewhat questionable trying-too-hard taste, as >>AndrewRogue said.
Good comedy practice, didn't work, learn from it and move on. Thanks for writing!
This is barely a narrative, though. Just a collection of jokes, in somewhat questionable trying-too-hard taste, as >>AndrewRogue said.
Good comedy practice, didn't work, learn from it and move on. Thanks for writing!