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Today's Special
"Ya fallin' behind, Joe?" Perfect Proofs asked. He tipped his trilby towards the Daily Specials board, where 'TBD' was written in chalk. "It's already evening and ya still haven't figured out what you're selling?"
"Don'tcha know what day it is?" Old Mr. Rosehip said, from his seat down at the end of the counter. "Leave the poor guy alone."
Proofs blinked, but Joe had his back to the both of them as he organized a shelf of piping hot donuts. When Joe turned around, he was smiling like always, not seeming to have heard either of them. He nodded at Perfect Proofs. "What can I getcha, P? The usual?"
"Yeah." Proofs hesitated for a moment. "S'all good, Joe?"
"S'all good," Joe said, handing him a fresh bear claw covered in sugary glaze. He bustled off back to the kitchen again.
Proofs left his bits on the counter and trotted down to take a seat next to Mr. Rosehip. He took a bite of his bear claw, letting out a perfect sigh of contentment.
He was just about to press the geezer for info when Mr. Rosehip brought it up himself.
"It's Lost Spirits Night, y'know."
Proofs rolled his eyes. "That's a loada hooey."
"Youngsters these days!" Mr. Rosehip raised his cane, waving it in a general castigation of anyone under the age of fifty. "No respect for tradition or mystery."
"Yeah, yeah. So is it a ghost thing?"
"Is what?"
"The sign. TBD."
Mr. Rosehip harrumphed.
It was Mint Jewelup, another regular sitting in a booth, who spoke up with an answer. "It's a girl."
Proofs's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
"Sooo romantic," Mint breathed out. "A long lost love who died on this day, right before Joe could fix her favorite dish."
"She's not dead," Lucky Bucket said, from over where he was mopping up the floors. "His old flame lives in Whinniepeg. But he don't talk about her none. The way I figure it, they broke up on this day, and so every year he leaves the board blank, just in case she comes walkin' in that door."
They all paused a moment to stare at the door in anticipation.
It swung open and a pudgy purple dragon waddled in.
Everyone let out a sigh of disappointment, and he frowned. "What? What'd I do?"
Lucky helped him climb up onto one of the seats at the counter. When his eyes reached the Daily Special board, he let out a soft, "Oh."
"Ya know anything about it, kid?" Proofs asked.
Spike shrugged. "Ask Joe yourself."
"Ask me what?" Joe said, walking out of the kitchen. Everyone in the diner suddenly decided to mind their own business. Joe let out a snort. "What can I getcha, Spike?"
Spike puled a long list out of his pocket, with enough donut orders for at least half a dozen hungry ponies. "Got a to-go order."
Joe let out a low whistle. "Looks like you're keepin' me busy tonight!"
"You know it!"
Donut Joe's always closed at 3 A.M. on the dot. Sometimes, this meant kicking out the occasional stragglers still a little sugar-drunk, but the diner's patrons were friendly, and almost always everyone had a friend to help them on the way home.
Tonight, everyone was gone a few minutes early, even. Which meant no one saw the neon 'Open' lights still on at 3:05. And then 3:11. And then 3:17.
That was when she arrived. The bell above the door dinged as she stepped inside, struggling under the weight of the guitar case on her back.
Joe grinned, but knew better than to offer to help. Instead, he went and turned the 'Open' sign off. She was sitting at the counter when he was done.
"What can I getcha?" he asked.
She smiled. "How about a strawberry-maple?"
Joe put on a shocked expression. "What do ya know! That's today's special!"
She giggled, as Joe trotted over to erase the Specials board and write in 'Strawberry-Maple.'
"Sorry I'm late, but the concert ran long. You know how it goes."
"Yep," Joe said. "Still liking life on the road?"
"You know it, but this is still my favorite stop every year."
Joe nodded. He brought over a strawberry-maple donut and a cup of coffee, two sugars no cream.
She took a small bite and her face lit up. "Great as always, Dad."
Joe leaned on the counter. He always had a smile for his customers, but this one, this one was a little special.
"Don'tcha know what day it is?" Old Mr. Rosehip said, from his seat down at the end of the counter. "Leave the poor guy alone."
Proofs blinked, but Joe had his back to the both of them as he organized a shelf of piping hot donuts. When Joe turned around, he was smiling like always, not seeming to have heard either of them. He nodded at Perfect Proofs. "What can I getcha, P? The usual?"
"Yeah." Proofs hesitated for a moment. "S'all good, Joe?"
"S'all good," Joe said, handing him a fresh bear claw covered in sugary glaze. He bustled off back to the kitchen again.
Proofs left his bits on the counter and trotted down to take a seat next to Mr. Rosehip. He took a bite of his bear claw, letting out a perfect sigh of contentment.
He was just about to press the geezer for info when Mr. Rosehip brought it up himself.
"It's Lost Spirits Night, y'know."
Proofs rolled his eyes. "That's a loada hooey."
"Youngsters these days!" Mr. Rosehip raised his cane, waving it in a general castigation of anyone under the age of fifty. "No respect for tradition or mystery."
"Yeah, yeah. So is it a ghost thing?"
"Is what?"
"The sign. TBD."
Mr. Rosehip harrumphed.
It was Mint Jewelup, another regular sitting in a booth, who spoke up with an answer. "It's a girl."
Proofs's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
"Sooo romantic," Mint breathed out. "A long lost love who died on this day, right before Joe could fix her favorite dish."
"She's not dead," Lucky Bucket said, from over where he was mopping up the floors. "His old flame lives in Whinniepeg. But he don't talk about her none. The way I figure it, they broke up on this day, and so every year he leaves the board blank, just in case she comes walkin' in that door."
They all paused a moment to stare at the door in anticipation.
It swung open and a pudgy purple dragon waddled in.
Everyone let out a sigh of disappointment, and he frowned. "What? What'd I do?"
Lucky helped him climb up onto one of the seats at the counter. When his eyes reached the Daily Special board, he let out a soft, "Oh."
"Ya know anything about it, kid?" Proofs asked.
Spike shrugged. "Ask Joe yourself."
"Ask me what?" Joe said, walking out of the kitchen. Everyone in the diner suddenly decided to mind their own business. Joe let out a snort. "What can I getcha, Spike?"
Spike puled a long list out of his pocket, with enough donut orders for at least half a dozen hungry ponies. "Got a to-go order."
Joe let out a low whistle. "Looks like you're keepin' me busy tonight!"
"You know it!"
Donut Joe's always closed at 3 A.M. on the dot. Sometimes, this meant kicking out the occasional stragglers still a little sugar-drunk, but the diner's patrons were friendly, and almost always everyone had a friend to help them on the way home.
Tonight, everyone was gone a few minutes early, even. Which meant no one saw the neon 'Open' lights still on at 3:05. And then 3:11. And then 3:17.
That was when she arrived. The bell above the door dinged as she stepped inside, struggling under the weight of the guitar case on her back.
Joe grinned, but knew better than to offer to help. Instead, he went and turned the 'Open' sign off. She was sitting at the counter when he was done.
"What can I getcha?" he asked.
She smiled. "How about a strawberry-maple?"
Joe put on a shocked expression. "What do ya know! That's today's special!"
She giggled, as Joe trotted over to erase the Specials board and write in 'Strawberry-Maple.'
"Sorry I'm late, but the concert ran long. You know how it goes."
"Yep," Joe said. "Still liking life on the road?"
"You know it, but this is still my favorite stop every year."
Joe nodded. He brought over a strawberry-maple donut and a cup of coffee, two sugars no cream.
She took a small bite and her face lit up. "Great as always, Dad."
Joe leaned on the counter. He always had a smile for his customers, but this one, this one was a little special.
This fic has some great character interactions, so it's one of those slice-of-life stories that manages to be fun, even when nothing's going on. The parts with Spike made me smile, and the ending reveal felt naturally charming.
The only problem I had here is that I was really unsure at first what direction this story wanted me to expect, since all these characters throw out their own explanations and I wasn't sure which ones were important to the story and which were red herrings. This story is much more clear when re-read, and it doesn't seem like such an issue when you already know the point it's leading up to. MAYBE i was just not paying enough attention the first time, and I'd rather have a story that's fun to re-read than one that's less fun, so I won't hold it against this fic. I just throw it out there as some feedback for the author, because this might've become confusing and harmful in a longer fic.
hypothesis: starting the story with "TBD" feels like an anti-hook? all the characters are interested in that sign, but I as a reader wasn't interested, since it literally means nothing. that might explain my rough start. still, I became interested as I went on because of the nice character writing, which isn't easy to do!
The only problem I had here is that I was really unsure at first what direction this story wanted me to expect, since all these characters throw out their own explanations and I wasn't sure which ones were important to the story and which were red herrings. This story is much more clear when re-read, and it doesn't seem like such an issue when you already know the point it's leading up to. MAYBE i was just not paying enough attention the first time, and I'd rather have a story that's fun to re-read than one that's less fun, so I won't hold it against this fic. I just throw it out there as some feedback for the author, because this might've become confusing and harmful in a longer fic.
hypothesis: starting the story with "TBD" feels like an anti-hook? all the characters are interested in that sign, but I as a reader wasn't interested, since it literally means nothing. that might explain my rough start. still, I became interested as I went on because of the nice character writing, which isn't easy to do!
My heart did a D'awww.
This was really, really nice. I mean it. Character interaction was great, the plot was straightforward and well executed, the atmosphere was comfy, the pace was nice and steady. Just great.
If I do have some criticism to offer, is that the initial conversation between the patrons could use some polish. >>Haze mentioned it, but some of those red herrings felt a bit superfluous. I would have preferred to see the first two patrons talk a bit more about Joe and his history, so the reveal could carry more impact.
Still, this has been one of my favourites so far and I'll be sure to give it a high spot in my ranking.
This was really, really nice. I mean it. Character interaction was great, the plot was straightforward and well executed, the atmosphere was comfy, the pace was nice and steady. Just great.
If I do have some criticism to offer, is that the initial conversation between the patrons could use some polish. >>Haze mentioned it, but some of those red herrings felt a bit superfluous. I would have preferred to see the first two patrons talk a bit more about Joe and his history, so the reveal could carry more impact.
Still, this has been one of my favourites so far and I'll be sure to give it a high spot in my ranking.
Cute little story, with a rather familiar shape. The biggest problem is this really feels like it is building towards a joke at the end since this is a somewhat common story and it really feels like they are setting up for an antixlimax, which reduces the emotional payoff just a bit by the time we reach it. Still, it functions.
Nitpicks... sure. I think the story goes on one paragraph too long (it ends cleanly if you end it on her line). Ordering enough doughnuts to feed a half dozen ponies is probably like, a dozen doughnuts, the standard measurement for doughnuts.
Nitpicks... sure. I think the story goes on one paragraph too long (it ends cleanly if you end it on her line). Ordering enough doughnuts to feed a half dozen ponies is probably like, a dozen doughnuts, the standard measurement for doughnuts.
>>AndrewRogue
isn't it 72?
oh. right! normal people only eat 2. that's also how many I eat, every day. only 2.
Ordering enough doughnuts to feed a half dozen ponies is probably like, a dozen doughnuts, the standard measurement for doughnuts.
isn't it 72?
oh. right! normal people only eat 2. that's also how many I eat, every day. only 2.
I'm with the other comments so far in finding this one "okay, but not great." It has a twist setup without much of a twist, making the setup feel like it didn't go anywhere. You could cut almost everything above the break and have the same story, so it ends up feeling confused between whether it's multi-character slice of life fluff, or a single threaded narrative about the mystery of Joe.
One easy fix would be to just end it on this line:
Let it go there, having answered the basic question of what Joe and TBD are about. While I'm not normally a fan of ambiguous endings, I think it could work as a conclusion here to cap off the multi-thread variation of the piece.
If you'd prefer to angle for the single-thread version, then I think the earlier sections could use some revisions to form a shape where Joe having a daughter feels foreshadowed, or at least natural. Add a bit more about the old flame (presumably her mother? I thought the pony who showed up was the flame, until the reveal), let up on the ghost angle a bit (or go nuts and actually do it, as it stands it feels like the ghost bits are hinting at a more interesting reveal than the one we actually get), and see about working in a reason why Joe keeps it private from everyone.
Good use of the prompt, too. Given the circumstances of this particular prompt, I haven't been holding people to using it as I normally would, but you still earn some bonus points for that take. Thanks for writing!
One easy fix would be to just end it on this line:
She giggled, as Joe trotted over to erase the Specials board and write in 'Strawberry-Maple.'
Let it go there, having answered the basic question of what Joe and TBD are about. While I'm not normally a fan of ambiguous endings, I think it could work as a conclusion here to cap off the multi-thread variation of the piece.
If you'd prefer to angle for the single-thread version, then I think the earlier sections could use some revisions to form a shape where Joe having a daughter feels foreshadowed, or at least natural. Add a bit more about the old flame (presumably her mother? I thought the pony who showed up was the flame, until the reveal), let up on the ghost angle a bit (or go nuts and actually do it, as it stands it feels like the ghost bits are hinting at a more interesting reveal than the one we actually get), and see about working in a reason why Joe keeps it private from everyone.
Good use of the prompt, too. Given the circumstances of this particular prompt, I haven't been holding people to using it as I normally would, but you still earn some bonus points for that take. Thanks for writing!
>>Ranmilia makes some great suggestions; the different urban legends surrounding Ponut (Dony?) Joe could each have a kernel of truth to them, which, taken together, would hint at the mystery guest at the story's end being his itinerant daughter.
I have no real complaints, though, to be honest. I think it could aspire to a little bit more, but it's fine for what it is, too.
...Is "Strawberry Maple" his daughter's name? Can it be his daughter's name?
I have no real complaints, though, to be honest. I think it could aspire to a little bit more, but it's fine for what it is, too.
...Is "Strawberry Maple" his daughter's name? Can it be his daughter's name?
This is well-written and on-voice.
Why does Joe only get to see his daughter briefly at 3:17 am once a year? I get that she's some kind of famous musician, but really, this is like the least possible thing she could do. It's bizarre. I think it would help to establish that the two of them will be spending time together for a while, maybe she's bringing her bags to his house or something, otherwise the cheerful attitudes seem unrealistic.
Why does Joe only get to see his daughter briefly at 3:17 am once a year? I get that she's some kind of famous musician, but really, this is like the least possible thing she could do. It's bizarre. I think it would help to establish that the two of them will be spending time together for a while, maybe she's bringing her bags to his house or something, otherwise the cheerful attitudes seem unrealistic.
I'm a sucker for this kind of subdued Slice of Life stories. It was heart-warming, had a charming setting, and a cute ending.
The initial dialog has to be tightened, and it would be nice if the other patrons got a couple more details to round them up as characters, or even to classify them into know archetypes. It worked quite well with Rosehip, and extending the same treatment to others would make the scene more lively.
It made me feel warm and fuzzy, but it can be improved dramatically. Still, a good story, thank you for it.
The initial dialog has to be tightened, and it would be nice if the other patrons got a couple more details to round them up as characters, or even to classify them into know archetypes. It worked quite well with Rosehip, and extending the same treatment to others would make the scene more lively.
It made me feel warm and fuzzy, but it can be improved dramatically. Still, a good story, thank you for it.
Basically what the others said. It’s a nice Slice of Life, but it’s like a donut: it’s sweet to eat, but it doesn’t live much aftertaste. The characters are nice, though as far as I remember, Pony Joe donut shop is located in Canterlot, so I’d expect toff patrons rather than the rural type.
This was a lovely read and, while you're probably hoping for a different review of it, my feelings for it just echo with the others. It's sweeter than maple syrup and makes you want to come back for more. The characters are a little vague, but I suppose that's to be expected from a minific contest. Overall, it's a lovely read, and it feels like it could do very well with some expanding.
Lightning Review: Beautiful little character piece bogged down a bit by the plethora of random characters in the first act. Still packs a punch though.
Tier: Strong
Tier: Strong
This is a sweet little story that carries its weight and then gets out of the way at the end. The speculation is amusing and keeps us wondering for a bit at the end what is really going on, and the fact that we don't see Joe's actual reactions until the end (with them being ambiguous up until that point) helps to keep the reader interested. It is a fluff piece in the end, but it is a solid one at that.
My only real question is if we're supposed to recognize his daughter at the end.
My only real question is if we're supposed to recognize his daughter at the end.