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Well, this took a turn for the potentially horrifying rather fast.
I really like small vignettes that serve as character pieces, and this does a decent job with it. My only complaint is that this could have had a better ending. Yes, I understand this was meant to be humourous, but I still feel a better reaction could have been crafted without going over board. Perhaps showing Twilight's reaction to the fallout and trying to apologise to Flutters.
But yeah, this was nice enough.
I really like small vignettes that serve as character pieces, and this does a decent job with it. My only complaint is that this could have had a better ending. Yes, I understand this was meant to be humourous, but I still feel a better reaction could have been crafted without going over board. Perhaps showing Twilight's reaction to the fallout and trying to apologise to Flutters.
But yeah, this was nice enough.
Reminds me of the joke where a man has a wife and a young mistress. Every time the man sees his mistress, she plucks out one of his grey hairs so that he seems younger. Every time he sees his wife, she plucks out one of his black hairs, so that way he looks older.
Eventually he becomes bald!
I liked this story. From the discussion in the writeoff chat, I was expecting to see a preen-fic.
Eventually he becomes bald!
I liked this story. From the discussion in the writeoff chat, I was expecting to see a preen-fic.
Genre: TBH I'm not sure, and that's kinda what I want to lead off with...
Thoughts: I find myself unable to move past the question of why Twilight is preening Fluttershy in the first place. It's handled almost as a platonic/clinical/for-science sort of thing, which I'm totally okay with, but the story doesn't give us a solid reason. Then it makes the set of possible motivations even less clear when it mentions that Twilight typically preens via a spell. Assuming Fluttershy can't preen herself for some suitably agreeable reason (which, randomly, my brain wants to blame on her wearing an oversized dog neck cone sort of thing)... couldn't Twilight just cast the spell on her and be done with it? Even if pegasus society doesn't like it, I feel like there could be a decent story in Twilight trying to persuade Fluttershy to let her do that just on a temporary basis.
I probably shouldn't find this so distracting, but my problem is that I can't figure out what kind of story this is without more clues about the underlying situation and motivations. And without that, I'm left with a story that reflects quality writing and some light comedic stuff toward the end, but that ultimately doesn't satisfy me.
But it could! I think it maybe could, anyway. If this wants to go full-comedy, I'll gladly donate the mental image of Fluttershy in an oversized dog cone. Either way though, I'd recommend doing more to establish more context as early as possible. This is a story about something that could very easily be interpreted as physical intimacy, but right now the rest of its tone doesn't match that (there's precisely one paragraph that I can interpret as leaning that way, but right now it's noticeable primarily as an outlier). Author, please help clarify if that's what's going on, or what else it's shooting for otherwise.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: I find myself unable to move past the question of why Twilight is preening Fluttershy in the first place. It's handled almost as a platonic/clinical/for-science sort of thing, which I'm totally okay with, but the story doesn't give us a solid reason. Then it makes the set of possible motivations even less clear when it mentions that Twilight typically preens via a spell. Assuming Fluttershy can't preen herself for some suitably agreeable reason (which, randomly, my brain wants to blame on her wearing an oversized dog neck cone sort of thing)... couldn't Twilight just cast the spell on her and be done with it? Even if pegasus society doesn't like it, I feel like there could be a decent story in Twilight trying to persuade Fluttershy to let her do that just on a temporary basis.
I probably shouldn't find this so distracting, but my problem is that I can't figure out what kind of story this is without more clues about the underlying situation and motivations. And without that, I'm left with a story that reflects quality writing and some light comedic stuff toward the end, but that ultimately doesn't satisfy me.
But it could! I think it maybe could, anyway. If this wants to go full-comedy, I'll gladly donate the mental image of Fluttershy in an oversized dog cone. Either way though, I'd recommend doing more to establish more context as early as possible. This is a story about something that could very easily be interpreted as physical intimacy, but right now the rest of its tone doesn't match that (there's precisely one paragraph that I can interpret as leaning that way, but right now it's noticeable primarily as an outlier). Author, please help clarify if that's what's going on, or what else it's shooting for otherwise.
Tier: Needs Work
Genre: "You're thinking about how much you want to **** Fluttershy, aren't you?"
Anyway, what >>CoffeeMinion said. Already getting ninja'd on comments, dang. The prose is solid, but the structure and tone can't decide whether this is a "preening is sex" joke or a "Twilight goes off the rails and embarrasses Fluttershy" joke. Both are present, but they don't meld together well. The sexual analogy gets dropped right as I'm expecting heavier metaphors and some sort of, ahem, climax, while the wacky Twilight side lacks the development it needs to be an effective punchline.
Not a bad effort, though. Other than the conflict in direction, I don't see anything really wrong here, and it seems like either direction (or maybe even both!) could be well executed in the mini format. Solid midcard from me (which likely puts it high in the actual ranks). Thanks for writing!
Anyway, what >>CoffeeMinion said. Already getting ninja'd on comments, dang. The prose is solid, but the structure and tone can't decide whether this is a "preening is sex" joke or a "Twilight goes off the rails and embarrasses Fluttershy" joke. Both are present, but they don't meld together well. The sexual analogy gets dropped right as I'm expecting heavier metaphors and some sort of, ahem, climax, while the wacky Twilight side lacks the development it needs to be an effective punchline.
Not a bad effort, though. Other than the conflict in direction, I don't see anything really wrong here, and it seems like either direction (or maybe even both!) could be well executed in the mini format. Solid midcard from me (which likely puts it high in the actual ranks). Thanks for writing!
I liked the subversion of "preening is sexing". I was afraid at first of the direction this story was taking but I sighed in relief to see that this was only a platonic moment between two friends.
The ending was a bit obvious when I saw Twilight nerding about symmetry. And while the predictable ending didn't bother me at all, I feel like it could be more punchy. I don't really know how, but it felt a bit weak.
So good story with a nice subversion of MLP fanfic trope. Thank you for that and for sharing.
The ending was a bit obvious when I saw Twilight nerding about symmetry. And while the predictable ending didn't bother me at all, I feel like it could be more punchy. I don't really know how, but it felt a bit weak.
So good story with a nice subversion of MLP fanfic trope. Thank you for that and for sharing.
This is perfectly on-character.
For this to work for me, you need Twilight to surreptitiously cast a spell on Fluttershy that will numb her wings so she doesn't notice feathers being plucked. You don't just 'nibble it out', because feather-plucking is very noticeable. The level of extreme you're going for doesn't fit the reality well-enough to sit well with my overly-Twilighty mind.
Also, the extra-spacing at the end isn't needed. I try to avoid double-spacing that isn't section breaks these days, but the story flows well with it as a separate paragraph and nothing more. Right now it looks like an artificial attempt at boosting the emphasis of the resolution.
For this to work for me, you need Twilight to surreptitiously cast a spell on Fluttershy that will numb her wings so she doesn't notice feathers being plucked. You don't just 'nibble it out', because feather-plucking is very noticeable. The level of extreme you're going for doesn't fit the reality well-enough to sit well with my overly-Twilighty mind.
Also, the extra-spacing at the end isn't needed. I try to avoid double-spacing that isn't section breaks these days, but the story flows well with it as a separate paragraph and nothing more. Right now it looks like an artificial attempt at boosting the emphasis of the resolution.
Hm, hm. The punchline is solid and reasonable, but I don't think the throughline is quite there. Early on it definitely feels like it is going on a sexual path, but I think it swerves out a bit too hard for the punchline path when it should have instead leaned into it for the punchline. Basically, I think the tone doesn't quite stay consistent enough when the joke would still be funny (and debatably funnier) if the tone remained sexual-ish.
