Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
I kinda agree with what >>Trick_Question said, but I'd actually suggest taking an alternate route; have her be not quite so angry-seeming in the beginning, so the end feels like less of a whiplash.
I'd prefer that, personally, because what I saw as her desire/need to keep Bright Mac from marrying without her consent made it a bit hard for me to sympathize with her... possibly because my parents married against my grandparents wishes, and I do think adults are allowed to run their own life. Also, to some extent, I felt it dragged the conflict away from what I'd have liked it to focus on - the fact that her friend had done something that she really felt she should be included in without her knowledge. If she'd made peace with the fact of the marriage beforehand, so this was more about her feeling betrayed by her friend, I think it would feel ab bit more focused.
Oh, and Bright Mac is not, as far as I know, a type of apple.
Also, pony last names are odd to me. Grannysmith Apple? Eh. I mean, I don't think we've actually heard any last names in the show... correct me if I'm wrong, I guess. I realize this is a headcannon thing, but it felt off to me.
Other than that... this is nicely readable, has some good character work, and contains a full (if slightly squashed feeling) emotional arc. Great job! Thanks for writing.
I'd prefer that, personally, because what I saw as her desire/need to keep Bright Mac from marrying without her consent made it a bit hard for me to sympathize with her... possibly because my parents married against my grandparents wishes, and I do think adults are allowed to run their own life. Also, to some extent, I felt it dragged the conflict away from what I'd have liked it to focus on - the fact that her friend had done something that she really felt she should be included in without her knowledge. If she'd made peace with the fact of the marriage beforehand, so this was more about her feeling betrayed by her friend, I think it would feel ab bit more focused.
Oh, and Bright Mac is not, as far as I know, a type of apple.
Also, pony last names are odd to me. Grannysmith Apple? Eh. I mean, I don't think we've actually heard any last names in the show... correct me if I'm wrong, I guess. I realize this is a headcannon thing, but it felt off to me.
Other than that... this is nicely readable, has some good character work, and contains a full (if slightly squashed feeling) emotional arc. Great job! Thanks for writing.
That's "affected", not "effected", I'm pretty sure. Also, three, not 3 - use words for numbers less than three digits long, not counting zeroes. (three thousand, not 3,000.) Basically.
Anyways, this is... hmm. I've read some SCP stuff, recently, even, and this is a neat idea? I even think the sorta-meta aspect works; this is directly aimed at the readers here, which is great. The problem is, I didn't find it even remotely scary, which is, as far as I can tell, pretty much the whole point of the SCP thing. The format kinda makes it difficult to add a narrative, but you managed to get something in there, which was nice.
I'm not really sure if I've got any solid advice to give. If you want to try making this more scary, I'd suggest reading the "How To Be Scary Without Saying Anything" article at the SCP wiki, and this blog on "Horror, Terror, Dread", both of which are things I've found useful for thinking about horror stories.
As for adding more narrative... I'm not sure if that's easy to do, with the constraints of both formats overlapping. If you expand this, you might be able to do it?
Sorry if this advice isn't very helpful. I'm not much for writing or reading horror, and I'm not entirely certain if you intended this as horror, so I might be totally missing the point here.
Anyways, this is... hmm. I've read some SCP stuff, recently, even, and this is a neat idea? I even think the sorta-meta aspect works; this is directly aimed at the readers here, which is great. The problem is, I didn't find it even remotely scary, which is, as far as I can tell, pretty much the whole point of the SCP thing. The format kinda makes it difficult to add a narrative, but you managed to get something in there, which was nice.
I'm not really sure if I've got any solid advice to give. If you want to try making this more scary, I'd suggest reading the "How To Be Scary Without Saying Anything" article at the SCP wiki, and this blog on "Horror, Terror, Dread", both of which are things I've found useful for thinking about horror stories.
As for adding more narrative... I'm not sure if that's easy to do, with the constraints of both formats overlapping. If you expand this, you might be able to do it?
Sorry if this advice isn't very helpful. I'm not much for writing or reading horror, and I'm not entirely certain if you intended this as horror, so I might be totally missing the point here.
I think I need to jump in here and defend this fic a little because I feel like some of the criticisms so far don't ring true to me.
First, I want to say that I think your beginning is totally solid. The business plan bit and the banter up front moves through quickly and hits a lot of jokes, which may or may not be funny to all readers but comedy is always hit or miss. This good streak continues into the next joke about 'adventure' capital rather than 'venture' capital. It's right when you hit the last sequence with the businessponies that I feel like the fic goes flat. You totally have a joke here too - that the CMC are talking to exactly the people than can help them, but they don't understand this because the ponies talk in buzzwords. But I think it's too extended or doesn't resolve clearly enough. I'm having a hard time diagnosing why... I don't know that Flim & Flam as Glib & Glam actually add much, and it might be stepping on the rest of your punchline? That's the thing, I feel like you do have a narrative arc here, about the CMC wanting to be businessponies, only to miss the point and miss their chance. But it's harder to balance a narrative where the key event doesn't happen.
It's really tricky, and when reading back through a second time I can absolutely see all the pieces that you're laying out, but they're not connecting together in a satisfying way, at least to me in my initial read. But then again, comedy is so subjective, that you have to listen to a lot of perspectives and figure out how exactly you want to pitch the humor and to who. I feel like this fic is very very close to a thing I'd like a lot, and that's worth saying rather than solely focusing on the rough edges.
First, I want to say that I think your beginning is totally solid. The business plan bit and the banter up front moves through quickly and hits a lot of jokes, which may or may not be funny to all readers but comedy is always hit or miss. This good streak continues into the next joke about 'adventure' capital rather than 'venture' capital. It's right when you hit the last sequence with the businessponies that I feel like the fic goes flat. You totally have a joke here too - that the CMC are talking to exactly the people than can help them, but they don't understand this because the ponies talk in buzzwords. But I think it's too extended or doesn't resolve clearly enough. I'm having a hard time diagnosing why... I don't know that Flim & Flam as Glib & Glam actually add much, and it might be stepping on the rest of your punchline? That's the thing, I feel like you do have a narrative arc here, about the CMC wanting to be businessponies, only to miss the point and miss their chance. But it's harder to balance a narrative where the key event doesn't happen.
It's really tricky, and when reading back through a second time I can absolutely see all the pieces that you're laying out, but they're not connecting together in a satisfying way, at least to me in my initial read. But then again, comedy is so subjective, that you have to listen to a lot of perspectives and figure out how exactly you want to pitch the humor and to who. I feel like this fic is very very close to a thing I'd like a lot, and that's worth saying rather than solely focusing on the rough edges.
Hmm. So Luna's stepping in and stopping the nightmare before it gets into full swing, but that's keeping the mare (whoever she is) from really understanding and confronting her fears, which stops her from growing past it?
...or maybe not. As said above, this is pretty vague about the conclusion.
Before getting to the doctor scene, I thought the mare was actually talking to Luna. That was a bit confusing, so I'd suggest setting the scene before that, somehow, so it's less whiplash-y.
Other than that, I'd very much like to know what was supposed to be waiting on the other side of the door, so I could draw more/better conclusions on what the narrative arc is supposed to mean here. Was it her family? the photo and throwing aside her instrument suggests she's left something important behind.
Well, other than that, I do feel Luna's acting a bit out of character here; we've never seen her simply snuff a nightmare before, she always seems to talk to the ponies and help them work through their fears. I guess that doesn't mean she doesn't simply snuff some, but maybe only ones that have no deeper meaning; and the presence of the doctor suggest that there is more to this, somehow.
Moreover, this 'nightmare' isn't actually scary. I realize that's not necessarily a thing nightmares need; I've had some ridiculous dreams that were terrifying at the time, but left me totally confused on waking. (Why was a toilet chasing me?) Still, I'd like some idea of what she's actually scared of, here. I feel like it shouldn't be what's behind the door, if she's trying to open it... or maybe it is, I dunno.
I feel like what this is missing is some sort of split element; the dream has a good amount of what's going on in it, but the bit with the doctor doesn't seem to be pulling it's weight. Maybe if there was information there, that Luna didn't have, which clued us in to what was going on, you could preserve the actions of the characters but still deliver a stronger conclusion to the audience?
Well, I had to read this twice before I had a good idea of what was going on, but it was intriguing enough it didn't feel like too much of a chore. I think there's something interesting here, even if it is a bit too buried for me to extract. Maybe someone else will do better? Thanks for writing.
...or maybe not. As said above, this is pretty vague about the conclusion.
Before getting to the doctor scene, I thought the mare was actually talking to Luna. That was a bit confusing, so I'd suggest setting the scene before that, somehow, so it's less whiplash-y.
Other than that, I'd very much like to know what was supposed to be waiting on the other side of the door, so I could draw more/better conclusions on what the narrative arc is supposed to mean here. Was it her family? the photo and throwing aside her instrument suggests she's left something important behind.
Well, other than that, I do feel Luna's acting a bit out of character here; we've never seen her simply snuff a nightmare before, she always seems to talk to the ponies and help them work through their fears. I guess that doesn't mean she doesn't simply snuff some, but maybe only ones that have no deeper meaning; and the presence of the doctor suggest that there is more to this, somehow.
Moreover, this 'nightmare' isn't actually scary. I realize that's not necessarily a thing nightmares need; I've had some ridiculous dreams that were terrifying at the time, but left me totally confused on waking. (Why was a toilet chasing me?) Still, I'd like some idea of what she's actually scared of, here. I feel like it shouldn't be what's behind the door, if she's trying to open it... or maybe it is, I dunno.
I feel like what this is missing is some sort of split element; the dream has a good amount of what's going on in it, but the bit with the doctor doesn't seem to be pulling it's weight. Maybe if there was information there, that Luna didn't have, which clued us in to what was going on, you could preserve the actions of the characters but still deliver a stronger conclusion to the audience?
Well, I had to read this twice before I had a good idea of what was going on, but it was intriguing enough it didn't feel like too much of a chore. I think there's something interesting here, even if it is a bit too buried for me to extract. Maybe someone else will do better? Thanks for writing.
>>Trick_Question
Well, that makes more sense, except I don't think 'Smith' is a type of apple... but then, Granny as a first name makes somewhat less sense, so I dunno. /shrug.
Well, that makes more sense, except I don't think 'Smith' is a type of apple... but then, Granny as a first name makes somewhat less sense, so I dunno. /shrug.
That's 'chaise lounge', not 'chase'.
I'm a bit iffy on this one. On the one hand, I kinda like what you're doing here, and you do it pretty well. On the other hand, this doesn't seem to have much to it that would make it compelling to me; it doesn't dive deeply into anyone's character. It touches on Rarity, and suggests that she might be generous to a fault, (seriously, self-destructive tendencies shouldn't be lightly brushed off) but that's a bit... eh, I dunno. Not exactly a new or powerful spin on her, I guess. Oh, and someone should get her a magnifying glass. They're much easier on the eyes.
The ending is sweet, but again, it's just kinda an 'awwww' feeling for me. It's not powerful, because it's not surprising or difficult or what have you, it's just kinda nice.
I guess... this just doesn't feel that ambitious to me? While every individual piece is nice, it's not really the kick-to-the-head that I find really impressive.
YMMV, of course. Some people find this sort of slicey thing exactly their speed. And this has a smooth flow and style, which makes it nicely readable.
I do think the blindness might work better as a hook than as a stinger on the first section, but eh.
I'm a bit iffy on this one. On the one hand, I kinda like what you're doing here, and you do it pretty well. On the other hand, this doesn't seem to have much to it that would make it compelling to me; it doesn't dive deeply into anyone's character. It touches on Rarity, and suggests that she might be generous to a fault, (seriously, self-destructive tendencies shouldn't be lightly brushed off) but that's a bit... eh, I dunno. Not exactly a new or powerful spin on her, I guess. Oh, and someone should get her a magnifying glass. They're much easier on the eyes.
The ending is sweet, but again, it's just kinda an 'awwww' feeling for me. It's not powerful, because it's not surprising or difficult or what have you, it's just kinda nice.
I guess... this just doesn't feel that ambitious to me? While every individual piece is nice, it's not really the kick-to-the-head that I find really impressive.
YMMV, of course. Some people find this sort of slicey thing exactly their speed. And this has a smooth flow and style, which makes it nicely readable.
I do think the blindness might work better as a hook than as a stinger on the first section, but eh.
>>Not_A_Hat
"Bloom" isn't an apple, either. Neither is Apple Fritter. There are too many family members for that.
Note that nopony called her "Granny" during The Perfect Pear flashbacks. She's Smith Apple.
"Bloom" isn't an apple, either. Neither is Apple Fritter. There are too many family members for that.
Note that nopony called her "Granny" during The Perfect Pear flashbacks. She's Smith Apple.
I was playing with a fidget spinner just prior to reading this. :facehoof:
I think you set out what you wanted to do, and you have a solid minific here. There's not much I could say to improve on it. Maybe some clarification about Flim and Flam's Kickstarter could help, there was kind of a mental void there for me and I'm probably not the only one.
Also, I don't think you need two sections breaks around the cut. Break before and italicize, I'd suggest. But that's me getting picky because I can't find much fault in this story. Nice work.
I think you set out what you wanted to do, and you have a solid minific here. There's not much I could say to improve on it. Maybe some clarification about Flim and Flam's Kickstarter could help, there was kind of a mental void there for me and I'm probably not the only one.
Also, I don't think you need two sections breaks around the cut. Break before and italicize, I'd suggest. But that's me getting picky because I can't find much fault in this story. Nice work.
>>sharpspark
She pounds them with hammers and smiths them into cider. :P
>>Trick_Question
That's a good point, actually. Headcannon adopted.
She pounds them with hammers and smiths them into cider. :P
>>Trick_Question
That's a good point, actually. Headcannon adopted.
The best way to write a story like this is to write tons and tons of material, then trim out the chaff to leave the gems behind. That's how minific format works, too, so I think this format is a good exercise for random comedy.
The result here is a mixed bag of amusing where the quality goes up and down. Many parts are spot-on Triumph (and very well written), while others are kind of forced. The first two sections and the last two sections need work to make them amusing (I wasn't aware Triumph vomited shit, nor that he could cover an entire castle with it), and the last line from Triumph on Twilight's section is a little weak. The rest is amusing and in-voice.
The underlying problem here isn't your skill at pulling it off (you're doing it well through most of the story). The problem is that Triumph just isn't funny. He's basically a gimmick used to extend insult comedy way, way past the 80's where the rest of it died (except for Gallagher, who remains extremely unfunny to this day). :ajunsure:
I think putting the B-Team insults in the Mane 6 section was highly confusing. I wasn't able to get who you were talking about until I reached the end of the story and re-read the beginning, because I presumed he'd start with the Mane 7 rather than naming ponies who aren't there to hear the insults. There were a lot of obvious digs you didn't hit on. Rainbow Dash being lesbian, Rarity wasting her life with dresses, anything at all with Spike, and so on. If I were writing this I'd start with the Mane 7 (meaning Spike not Glimglam) and then work my way down, but either way, the majority of an insult needs to be directed at the pony you're actually trying to insult. Some EQG references would be ripe material too.
I'm not sure if saying !@#$% in place of 'bitch' and 'ass' actually adds anything to the piece. This isn't an E story, and the descriptions of sex are much more ribald than the profanity, so I have to assume you're putting those in because you think they're funnier than the actual words. Are they? I have no idea. You might have to take a poll.
The result here is a mixed bag of amusing where the quality goes up and down. Many parts are spot-on Triumph (and very well written), while others are kind of forced. The first two sections and the last two sections need work to make them amusing (I wasn't aware Triumph vomited shit, nor that he could cover an entire castle with it), and the last line from Triumph on Twilight's section is a little weak. The rest is amusing and in-voice.
The underlying problem here isn't your skill at pulling it off (you're doing it well through most of the story). The problem is that Triumph just isn't funny. He's basically a gimmick used to extend insult comedy way, way past the 80's where the rest of it died (except for Gallagher, who remains extremely unfunny to this day). :ajunsure:
I think putting the B-Team insults in the Mane 6 section was highly confusing. I wasn't able to get who you were talking about until I reached the end of the story and re-read the beginning, because I presumed he'd start with the Mane 7 rather than naming ponies who aren't there to hear the insults. There were a lot of obvious digs you didn't hit on. Rainbow Dash being lesbian, Rarity wasting her life with dresses, anything at all with Spike, and so on. If I were writing this I'd start with the Mane 7 (meaning Spike not Glimglam) and then work my way down, but either way, the majority of an insult needs to be directed at the pony you're actually trying to insult. Some EQG references would be ripe material too.
I'm not sure if saying !@#$% in place of 'bitch' and 'ass' actually adds anything to the piece. This isn't an E story, and the descriptions of sex are much more ribald than the profanity, so I have to assume you're putting those in because you think they're funnier than the actual words. Are they? I have no idea. You might have to take a poll.
>>Monokeras
Well, sometimes.
I mean, in French, yes. In English, kinda maybe sorta depending. Chaise, however, I can probably definitely say was a mistake.
Well, sometimes.
I mean, in French, yes. In English, kinda maybe sorta depending. Chaise, however, I can probably definitely say was a mistake.
The opening here kinda tripped me up. It opens with Rarity and Ember, but the story is actually about Spike and Twilight. That's a bit... eh. I think you'd do better opening with Spike, somehow, even if it's just a line or two. This sort of re-direct always feels odd to me, like I get started in one direction and then need to swerve in a different one, for no particular reason.
I do find this evocative, and that's great. However, I think I'd feel this hit a bit stronger if I had a better idea what Spike's actually feeling right now. Is he bitter? In denial? Resigned? Angry, but unable to express it? Ashamed? I dunno. Laughed hollowly suggests he doesn't agree with Twilight, and he's not willing to bring it up, which shows there's a conflict there, which is good, but I guess I'd like to see more of that; cut the narration and Twilight's monologue a bit, and show us more of how Spike's feeling and what the means to him.
Well, that's what I'd suggest, at least. Still, this is eminently readable, and, I think, has a very strong idea behind it. Nice work!
I do find this evocative, and that's great. However, I think I'd feel this hit a bit stronger if I had a better idea what Spike's actually feeling right now. Is he bitter? In denial? Resigned? Angry, but unable to express it? Ashamed? I dunno. Laughed hollowly suggests he doesn't agree with Twilight, and he's not willing to bring it up, which shows there's a conflict there, which is good, but I guess I'd like to see more of that; cut the narration and Twilight's monologue a bit, and show us more of how Spike's feeling and what the means to him.
Well, that's what I'd suggest, at least. Still, this is eminently readable, and, I think, has a very strong idea behind it. Nice work!
The narrative and pacing here is solid, and the writing is great. However, the story as a whole kind of fell flat for me. The most obvious intended jokes are a very old South Park reference, and jokes about the CMC not knowing what the phrase 'venture capital' means, or recognizing two of their adversaries. Those all work, but the primary joke (the middle one) needs more attention to make it the focus of the story in a way the reader can identify with it.
For one thing, I feel like the only way to fully appreciate the middle of the story would require me to understand what the other words were after 'apple' in the title of the plan Bloom swiped. That flew right over my head, and the audience needs to be clued in.
Also, I have no idea if they were using a pseudonym (which they're not likely to do even in Ponyville, they haven't in the past) or if the investors didn't understand them properly and there's another level of confusion there, or what exactly the names are about.
I'd suggest dropping the Flim and Flam bit at the end because it's non-sequitur to the rest of the joke. The main thrust of the joke is children misunderstanding a phrase one overheard, and adding obliviousness to Flim and Flam (which doesn't make much sense, even) does not further the overall theme. It just drags out the denouement, weakening it in the process.
For one thing, I feel like the only way to fully appreciate the middle of the story would require me to understand what the other words were after 'apple' in the title of the plan Bloom swiped. That flew right over my head, and the audience needs to be clued in.
Also, I have no idea if they were using a pseudonym (which they're not likely to do even in Ponyville, they haven't in the past) or if the investors didn't understand them properly and there's another level of confusion there, or what exactly the names are about.
I'd suggest dropping the Flim and Flam bit at the end because it's non-sequitur to the rest of the joke. The main thrust of the joke is children misunderstanding a phrase one overheard, and adding obliviousness to Flim and Flam (which doesn't make much sense, even) does not further the overall theme. It just drags out the denouement, weakening it in the process.
This is beautiful, and it is why somepony needs to petition Knighty to allow case-by-case rules violations to established authors who want to do something like this, or a play, etc. I laughed at pretty much all of it.
I'm not certain if this is a FiO reference. I've already reviewed one FiO fic this round. I don't think this is intended to be one, but I know not.
The geocentric switch wasn't clear, because the Discord reset shouldn't have gone back that far in the past.
I really think you should restructure the versioning to match the timeline more exactly. Like, have a beta versioning system, then Luna gets taken offline on the first 0.0.0 (or .1) release.
I'm not certain if this is a FiO reference. I've already reviewed one FiO fic this round. I don't think this is intended to be one, but I know not.
The geocentric switch wasn't clear, because the Discord reset shouldn't have gone back that far in the past.
I really think you should restructure the versioning to match the timeline more exactly. Like, have a beta versioning system, then Luna gets taken offline on the first 0.0.0 (or .1) release.
...I dun get it.
Maybe it's me, but I actually have no idea what RD is really trying to do here, or what Cherilee's response is actually supposed to mean in the end. It's like... sound and fury, but I can't grasp what it's signifying.
On the upside, I do feel like you're trying to convey something here. On the downside, I can't actually figure out what that is. In the end, I'm left confused. Is this really about writing? About racism? About intelligence? If you picked one and stuck with it, I'd be certain, or if there were thematic clues throughout that pointed me in the right direction I might catch them, but I either missed them, or... this changes topic several times, and I wasn't sure how to follow it.
Anyways, this feels ambitious, and I like that. I just wish I had a better idea what it was actually aiming for, because as it is, I'm not even sure what it's trying to do, much less whether it achieved it. Still, you manage to fit quite a bit in for a minific, which is nice. Maybe someone more insightful than me will be able to figure this out. Thanks for sharing.
Maybe it's me, but I actually have no idea what RD is really trying to do here, or what Cherilee's response is actually supposed to mean in the end. It's like... sound and fury, but I can't grasp what it's signifying.
On the upside, I do feel like you're trying to convey something here. On the downside, I can't actually figure out what that is. In the end, I'm left confused. Is this really about writing? About racism? About intelligence? If you picked one and stuck with it, I'd be certain, or if there were thematic clues throughout that pointed me in the right direction I might catch them, but I either missed them, or... this changes topic several times, and I wasn't sure how to follow it.
Anyways, this feels ambitious, and I like that. I just wish I had a better idea what it was actually aiming for, because as it is, I'm not even sure what it's trying to do, much less whether it achieved it. Still, you manage to fit quite a bit in for a minific, which is nice. Maybe someone more insightful than me will be able to figure this out. Thanks for sharing.
So I read 'table card' as 'card table' and was kinda confused for about half the fic. :P
This story makes great use of implication, and I appreciate that a lot. It's also a nice little character piece, and fits very well in its allotted space. It's not super deep or especially powerful, feeling like simple slice-of-life; the conflict introduced in the opening is easily dismissed soon after (not so stubborn, perhaps?) and then it just kinda coasts for a bit before closing on some shipping. But, it seems to do what it sets out to do with aplomb. I may rank more ambitious fics higher, but this one is really solid.
I'm pretty sure it's Scoots wedding, because they're discussing seating AB and Sweetie and the 'ask Scoots where to put them' line. Unless Scoots is the wedding planner, but... yeah.
This story makes great use of implication, and I appreciate that a lot. It's also a nice little character piece, and fits very well in its allotted space. It's not super deep or especially powerful, feeling like simple slice-of-life; the conflict introduced in the opening is easily dismissed soon after (not so stubborn, perhaps?) and then it just kinda coasts for a bit before closing on some shipping. But, it seems to do what it sets out to do with aplomb. I may rank more ambitious fics higher, but this one is really solid.
I'm pretty sure it's Scoots wedding, because they're discussing seating AB and Sweetie and the 'ask Scoots where to put them' line. Unless Scoots is the wedding planner, but... yeah.
I think a more recent Rainbow Dash would have fewer problems at addressing her insecurities than the one in the story, but then we lack any kind of temporal placement, so it could be a more inexperienced version of her.
As it is, the story is an interesting character study, with the internal conflict portrayed fairly well. What needs some more work is the narration surrounding it. The opening is a bit weak, and I think that Cheerilee, who clearly understood the subtext, could have used a bit more tact in answering to RD. The story also ends a bit abruptly, with Rainbow's last sentence dropping the whole thing without a proper conclusion. Maybe that's exactly what you wanted to do, but I think it lessens the impact this story has.
There's a lot of potential here, you just need to polish it a bit. Thank you for having thrown your story into the ring.
>>Not_A_Hat
I'm pretty sure the story is Rainbow panicking because she has no idea how to solve the homework, an idea completely alien to bright eyed Scootaloo. RD probably doesn't want to admit it even to herself, so she deflects and creates an alternative explanation (it's stupid Earth Pony stuff) instead of trying to reason about it. She doesn't challenge herself like Cheerilee asks her to do at the end.
As it is, the story is an interesting character study, with the internal conflict portrayed fairly well. What needs some more work is the narration surrounding it. The opening is a bit weak, and I think that Cheerilee, who clearly understood the subtext, could have used a bit more tact in answering to RD. The story also ends a bit abruptly, with Rainbow's last sentence dropping the whole thing without a proper conclusion. Maybe that's exactly what you wanted to do, but I think it lessens the impact this story has.
There's a lot of potential here, you just need to polish it a bit. Thank you for having thrown your story into the ring.
>>Not_A_Hat
I'm pretty sure the story is Rainbow panicking because she has no idea how to solve the homework, an idea completely alien to bright eyed Scootaloo. RD probably doesn't want to admit it even to herself, so she deflects and creates an alternative explanation (it's stupid Earth Pony stuff) instead of trying to reason about it. She doesn't challenge herself like Cheerilee asks her to do at the end.
This is a very well-written piece of prose, but it isn't obvious what the theme is supposed to be. I suspect your trimming accidentally cut that vital bit out of the story.
So, guessing time! There are four possible scenarios that make sense to me.
Option one: Fluttershy is a dealer in the same substance. This doesn't match Ponyville's environs, or anypony's reaction in the setting, and it's the most out-of-character idea. So it can't be that.
Option two: Fluttershy killed him because he was a drug dealer. This doesn't match the fact that the drug is illegal, so it would be easier—and much more in-character—for her to turn him in, especially given her connections with authority figures. It also doesn't match the fact that the drug is harmless enough to be legal in the future, when the story is told, nor the fact that the dealer isn't targeting children or anyone who doesn't specifically want what he's peddling.
Option three: Fluttershy's animals know more about what this guy is doing than she does, or else they're drug dealers themselves, so they dispatch him without her knowledge. This is more in-character, but it doesn't make sense because there is no support for this in the story, and it seems obvious that Fluttershy is intentionally baiting him to get him to the cottage.
Option four, which I favor the most: Fluttershy believes butterfly powder is made from butterflies, so she has her pets murder him to stop the genocide. There isn't any support in the story for this, exactly, but it's the best guess I have.
Great story, but without more of a clue for the reader, we have no idea why the story ended that way. As far as I know, all four of my guesses are wrong. Let us know in the retro!
EDIT: Also I agree with Posh, drop the first section entirely.
EDIT EDIT: I didn't get the cutie mark relationship until just now. That should add weight to option one, but it's still the most ridiculous of the theories.
So, guessing time! There are four possible scenarios that make sense to me.
Option one: Fluttershy is a dealer in the same substance. This doesn't match Ponyville's environs, or anypony's reaction in the setting, and it's the most out-of-character idea. So it can't be that.
Option two: Fluttershy killed him because he was a drug dealer. This doesn't match the fact that the drug is illegal, so it would be easier—and much more in-character—for her to turn him in, especially given her connections with authority figures. It also doesn't match the fact that the drug is harmless enough to be legal in the future, when the story is told, nor the fact that the dealer isn't targeting children or anyone who doesn't specifically want what he's peddling.
Option three: Fluttershy's animals know more about what this guy is doing than she does, or else they're drug dealers themselves, so they dispatch him without her knowledge. This is more in-character, but it doesn't make sense because there is no support for this in the story, and it seems obvious that Fluttershy is intentionally baiting him to get him to the cottage.
Option four, which I favor the most: Fluttershy believes butterfly powder is made from butterflies, so she has her pets murder him to stop the genocide. There isn't any support in the story for this, exactly, but it's the best guess I have.
Great story, but without more of a clue for the reader, we have no idea why the story ended that way. As far as I know, all four of my guesses are wrong. Let us know in the retro!
EDIT: Also I agree with Posh, drop the first section entirely.
EDIT EDIT: I didn't get the cutie mark relationship until just now. That should add weight to option one, but it's still the most ridiculous of the theories.
I really appreciated this story and was quite entertained by it. Not a laugh out loud kind of enjoyment, but you got certainly a giggle or two out of me.
The surprise was well prepared, you built up the right kind of expectations, and the prose itself was spot on. There isn't really much I can say, as the story does exactly what it intended to do. It isn't maybe as ambitious as some other entries, but it is rock solid and well written.
Thank you for it.
The surprise was well prepared, you built up the right kind of expectations, and the prose itself was spot on. There isn't really much I can say, as the story does exactly what it intended to do. It isn't maybe as ambitious as some other entries, but it is rock solid and well written.
Thank you for it.
This is a nice story, with good writing and an engrossing plot.
My main issue is I'm having a hard time connecting with the characters. They need more personality before I can identify with them, and without that element it's hard to care about what happens to them.
I don't understand the extra spacing at the end. Why is there a 'half-break' there?
I'm also not sure what the ending implies. It sounds like you're saying the new marks changed her successfully, but the number you put on there made the coloration of her pelt ridiculous? Because it doesn't sound like you're saying 'it stayed the same' with that sentence.
Sorry. I had to reread this to realize what happened at the end, and also that it didn't take place in Ponyville. The lack of reaction from the rest of the world was kind of bizarre. How do you hide something like that while walking around in public?
Why not try to remove the tattoos or cross them out instead? Is the theme here about trying to be somepony you aren't? That's the only cohesive message I'm feeling.
I see from >>Orbiting_kettle above that there must be a parody element that I've missed, so maybe that would help my confusion? I'm not sure. You need a little more context here to make this a stand-alone story, either way.
My main issue is I'm having a hard time connecting with the characters. They need more personality before I can identify with them, and without that element it's hard to care about what happens to them.
I don't understand the extra spacing at the end. Why is there a 'half-break' there?
Sorry. I had to reread this to realize what happened at the end, and also that it didn't take place in Ponyville. The lack of reaction from the rest of the world was kind of bizarre. How do you hide something like that while walking around in public?
Why not try to remove the tattoos or cross them out instead? Is the theme here about trying to be somepony you aren't? That's the only cohesive message I'm feeling.
I see from >>Orbiting_kettle above that there must be a parody element that I've missed, so maybe that would help my confusion? I'm not sure. You need a little more context here to make this a stand-alone story, either way.
This was a cute feghoot. I see two issues.
First, the intro portion is not in Dash's voice. That needs fixing. Dash would write the same way she speaks, especially in a ('meta') first-pony viewpoint. I initially thought this was supposed to be Scaramucci writing the first half the story.
The second part is the larger issue: the meta-ization here is very complex, yet unstructured. Meta is hard to pull off in the first place, and you're kind of all over the map about whose perspective we're seeing things through in this case. Dash is in the Writeoff, so she's writing this story; but the entire story clearly isn't in her writing, only the first portion is (supposed to be). We don't see any 'meta' in her actual story, so I don't know what meta she's referring to in the rest of the story. I don't know if this is supposed to be our Writeoff, or another one. It makes much more sense for it to be another one, in which case there's no meta in her writing at all: Dash is writing nonfiction, not meta-fiction.
The only two things that are meta here are Dash's Writeoff is spelled like our Writeoff (but is clearly very different), and the use of the word 'plot' for ass is fanon-meta (and one I avoid in my non-meta writing). In something 'meta' I should still be able to determine which level I'm on, and this left me a little confused.
I think this story can totally be fixed. But you need to be much more clear about where each piece fits into the overall theme. I don't think you can mush different levels of meta together without structure and end up with a cohesive 'meta' story. :ajunsure:
First, the intro portion is not in Dash's voice. That needs fixing. Dash would write the same way she speaks, especially in a ('meta') first-pony viewpoint. I initially thought this was supposed to be Scaramucci writing the first half the story.
The second part is the larger issue: the meta-ization here is very complex, yet unstructured. Meta is hard to pull off in the first place, and you're kind of all over the map about whose perspective we're seeing things through in this case. Dash is in the Writeoff, so she's writing this story; but the entire story clearly isn't in her writing, only the first portion is (supposed to be). We don't see any 'meta' in her actual story, so I don't know what meta she's referring to in the rest of the story. I don't know if this is supposed to be our Writeoff, or another one. It makes much more sense for it to be another one, in which case there's no meta in her writing at all: Dash is writing nonfiction, not meta-fiction.
The only two things that are meta here are Dash's Writeoff is spelled like our Writeoff (but is clearly very different), and the use of the word 'plot' for ass is fanon-meta (and one I avoid in my non-meta writing). In something 'meta' I should still be able to determine which level I'm on, and this left me a little confused.
I think this story can totally be fixed. But you need to be much more clear about where each piece fits into the overall theme. I don't think you can mush different levels of meta together without structure and end up with a cohesive 'meta' story. :ajunsure:
>>AndrewRogue
Due to your lack of spoilers and the all caps, I inadvertently saw this in the list of reviews. I didn't connect your review to this story, because unlike the urban legends, I actually do not see dicks everywhere.
So I must add that I am disappointed in the lack of dicks in this story, through no fault of the author.
WHY THE FUCK ARE WE INDICATING FLUTTERSHY HAS 4 DICKS?
Due to your lack of spoilers and the all caps, I inadvertently saw this in the list of reviews. I didn't connect your review to this story, because unlike the urban legends, I actually do not see dicks everywhere.
So I must add that I am disappointed in the lack of dicks in this story, through no fault of the author.
This is well-written and on-voice.
Why does Joe only get to see his daughter briefly at 3:17 am once a year? I get that she's some kind of famous musician, but really, this is like the least possible thing she could do. It's bizarre. I think it would help to establish that the two of them will be spending time together for a while, maybe she's bringing her bags to his house or something, otherwise the cheerful attitudes seem unrealistic.
Why does Joe only get to see his daughter briefly at 3:17 am once a year? I get that she's some kind of famous musician, but really, this is like the least possible thing she could do. It's bizarre. I think it would help to establish that the two of them will be spending time together for a while, maybe she's bringing her bags to his house or something, otherwise the cheerful attitudes seem unrealistic.
>>Trick_Question
This is a reference to Five Score Divided By Four, which is a fic on fimfic about humans on Earth who turn into ponies, starting with their cutie marks. (It's perhaps more notable for stirring up a lot of drama through inspiring a lot of bad fics set in the same universe or whatever, eventually resulting in a quasi-ban on the stories as site policy)
This fic takes that basic premise and runs through it very fast in order to focus on absurdity; since the pony you would turn into is indicated by the mark that appears on your butt, then if you were to change that mark then you'd change the pony that you turn into! Which is obviously not how magic would work, but it's a good enough joke, albeit one that probably doesn't make sense unless you know the original source it's referring to.
This is a reference to Five Score Divided By Four, which is a fic on fimfic about humans on Earth who turn into ponies, starting with their cutie marks. (It's perhaps more notable for stirring up a lot of drama through inspiring a lot of bad fics set in the same universe or whatever, eventually resulting in a quasi-ban on the stories as site policy)
This fic takes that basic premise and runs through it very fast in order to focus on absurdity; since the pony you would turn into is indicated by the mark that appears on your butt, then if you were to change that mark then you'd change the pony that you turn into! Which is obviously not how magic would work, but it's a good enough joke, albeit one that probably doesn't make sense unless you know the original source it's referring to.
Genre: Do The Twist
Thoughts: I have to say, I've reached the point where the twist endings in this Writeoff are getting to me. Consider this one: a lush and beautiful little story with gorgeous prose and striking depth and then the ending's all like, "Nope!"
This gets points for all the things it does well, which is everything before the end. Seriously, this had the makings of top-slate material. And like, you could totally do this idea and make a great story out of it. But as is, I can't get there.
Other reviews are making me think that it's just me who's seeing this in a troll light rather than as a comedy piece first and foremost. However, to some extent I think this has fallen victim to the limitations of the minific format. It's hard to pull off multiple tones in a single story in a minific round, and so much time is spent establishing the more serious tone that the swerve is much more jarring to me than I can follow emotionally.
Still, this gets points for being close to both either being a serious fic or a comedy.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I have to say, I've reached the point where the twist endings in this Writeoff are getting to me. Consider this one: a lush and beautiful little story with gorgeous prose and striking depth and then the ending's all like, "Nope!"
This gets points for all the things it does well, which is everything before the end. Seriously, this had the makings of top-slate material. And like, you could totally do this idea and make a great story out of it. But as is, I can't get there.
Other reviews are making me think that it's just me who's seeing this in a troll light rather than as a comedy piece first and foremost. However, to some extent I think this has fallen victim to the limitations of the minific format. It's hard to pull off multiple tones in a single story in a minific round, and so much time is spent establishing the more serious tone that the swerve is much more jarring to me than I can follow emotionally.
Still, this gets points for being close to both either being a serious fic or a comedy.
Tier: Almost There
This is a nice comedy that fit the characters perfectly.
Castles don't have living rooms, silly! Twilight lives in a giant, formal, drafty, depressing, hard-crystal-covered tomb with nopony else but Spike and Glimglam who is about to move out on her and leave her all alone. The throne room is right by the kitchen, however, and easily accessible to unannounced guests.
The "disastrously" would be clearer for me if you untabbed the first one and tabbed the second, as it would stress the alternation. Currently it reads weirdly: one pony interrupts... himself? Wait, I get it; clever. But you should still add another untabbed D-word before the unison, because it's confusing when it looks like somepony is interrupting himself.
I'm pretty sure 'gyp' is racist.
I could see the plot coming a mile away, but it was cute.
It bothered me that they were willing to swap voices, as well as the fact that swapping mustaches would eliminate the need to swap voices, so the first solution was completely unnecessary and would actually bring part of the problem back. I'd have them try the first solution, then reject it because they can't handle doing it; then have Twi come up with the second solution. But it was something that stood out to me.
Castles don't have living rooms, silly! Twilight lives in a giant, formal, drafty, depressing, hard-crystal-covered tomb with nopony else but Spike and Glimglam who is about to move out on her and leave her all alone. The throne room is right by the kitchen, however, and easily accessible to unannounced guests.
I'm pretty sure 'gyp' is racist.
I could see the plot coming a mile away, but it was cute.
It bothered me that they were willing to swap voices, as well as the fact that swapping mustaches would eliminate the need to swap voices, so the first solution was completely unnecessary and would actually bring part of the problem back. I'd have them try the first solution, then reject it because they can't handle doing it; then have Twi come up with the second solution. But it was something that stood out to me.
>>Trick_Question
Oh! Also, there's no reference to three eyes. That should really come up if you want to use that title.
The gems kind of look like eyes, which is what I was assuming would be referenced...
Oh! Also, there's no reference to three eyes. That should really come up if you want to use that title.
The gems kind of look like eyes, which is what I was assuming would be referenced...
>>sharpspark
In that case, there's the problem of 'you have to know this particular story', but the author knows that.
Also, though, there's the coincidence of the tats being done the night before the tats appear... and also the fact that if the fake tats were done first, they shouldn't influence the body, no?
...I'm reading way too much into these stories
In that case, there's the problem of 'you have to know this particular story', but the author knows that.
Also, though, there's the coincidence of the tats being done the night before the tats appear... and also the fact that if the fake tats were done first, they shouldn't influence the body, no?
...I'm reading way too much into these stories
This was great. I have almost nothing to say to improve it, except maybe one thing.
Wesley? I didn't even know that could be a girl name before now, and it doesn't make much sense OHHHH
I think the main characters here are intended to be humans from a non-EQG universe? Wow! If so, that's totally opaque. Nothing in the story hints that these aren't poni—
Wat.
Well, shit. I guess they are ponies after all. Huh. You know, I think you need some connection here for this to make sense. Like, have the protagonist think about "Fili-Second" or somepony in that universe so we realize this is a pony universe, or at least mention hooves or something. When coming up with a completely new universe you need to be particular or there will be confusion, and this one had me rereading twice before I understood the framework (even though the framework wasn't essential).
So, a My Little Pony mare named Wesley? Huh. That's... huh. That's very strange.
Wesley? I didn't even know that could be a girl name before now, and it doesn't make much sense OHHHH
I think the main characters here are intended to be humans from a non-EQG universe? Wow! If so, that's totally opaque. Nothing in the story hints that these aren't poni—
Wat.
Well, shit. I guess they are ponies after all. Huh. You know, I think you need some connection here for this to make sense. Like, have the protagonist think about "Fili-Second" or somepony in that universe so we realize this is a pony universe, or at least mention hooves or something. When coming up with a completely new universe you need to be particular or there will be confusion, and this one had me rereading twice before I understood the framework (even though the framework wasn't essential).
So, a My Little Pony mare named Wesley? Huh. That's... huh. That's very strange.
This is cute, on-character for the most part (not sure about AJ) and written well.
And yay, it's another story based on the story that was probably based on the story I fucked up! I don't hate these at all. :ajbemused: Certainly no resentment here, years later. No sirree. No chewing of my own flesh going on as I write this.
I don't have much to suggest, but the ending feels non-sequitur so I'm not sure there's a cohesive story arc. It may be that there's a Chrono Trigger reference I'm not getting, though...?
And yay, it's another story based on the story that was probably based on the story I fucked up! I don't hate these at all. :ajbemused: Certainly no resentment here, years later. No sirree. No chewing of my own flesh going on as I write this.
I don't have much to suggest, but the ending feels non-sequitur so I'm not sure there's a cohesive story arc. It may be that there's a Chrono Trigger reference I'm not getting, though...?
It's difficult for me to review this. It's silly, but too dark for me. I deal with the darkness that isn't the gory kind, or at least not the death kind. Unless it's like death of time-clones or OC characters or something. (I'm more into the Hopeful category of dark... it's just that what I consider Hopeful, many, many people consider absolutely horrifying.)
So, I dunno? I think the silliness did not mesh well with the carnage, as you're toggling between realistic descriptions and ridiculous off-character behavior by Twi. This probably just isn't my cup of T.
:trollestia:
So, I dunno? I think the silliness did not mesh well with the carnage, as you're toggling between realistic descriptions and ridiculous off-character behavior by Twi. This probably just isn't my cup of T.
:trollestia:
Cute story, and I enjoyed everything before Twilight started arguing with Discord.
Also: this is not the dubcon I was hoping for. Harumph.
The story was great, then it got very confusing when Twilight and Discord began to argue. I think I get the ending, but it seems out of character for Spike, unless the payment were gems. It doesn't make sense that there would be a 'machine' like this, and even less sense that the little one would have access to it. And why did it always seem to work?
I think the problem here is understanding where the absurdity is supposed to be. It isn't clear for me, so I'm left confused.
Also: this is not the dubcon I was hoping for. Harumph.
The story was great, then it got very confusing when Twilight and Discord began to argue. I think I get the ending, but it seems out of character for Spike, unless the payment were gems. It doesn't make sense that there would be a 'machine' like this, and even less sense that the little one would have access to it. And why did it always seem to work?
I think the problem here is understanding where the absurdity is supposed to be. It isn't clear for me, so I'm left confused.
The only title anagram I can find: Shh, Dull Wok Kilt. (I also had to port those into notepad++ to determine which were i's and which were L's).
Seriously, I got nothing. I'm not usually stupid, so I'm going to let this one sit and see if I can figure it out. Then I will come back.
But review stuff, besides 'wat': this is a very high degree of difficulty to pull off. You seem to go up and down with legibility at first, which leads me to believe I'm missing something, or else you're being sloppy in how you're portraying change over time.
But I am sure I'm missing something, so I'll come back to this one soon.
Seriously, I got nothing. I'm not usually stupid, so I'm going to let this one sit and see if I can figure it out. Then I will come back.
But review stuff, besides 'wat': this is a very high degree of difficulty to pull off. You seem to go up and down with legibility at first, which leads me to believe I'm missing something, or else you're being sloppy in how you're portraying change over time.
But I am sure I'm missing something, so I'll come back to this one soon.
My best guess is this is a non-changed changeling, or the changeling 'spirit', after all the others have changed? Even that doesn't make much sense.
I give up and will look at the other spoilers. :fluttershysad:
I give up and will look at the other spoilers. :fluttershysad:
Okay, my guess was on-mark with others' guesses.
I don't think this makes sense. It's pretty far off-canon with the loss of intelligible thought if it's what the others think it is. The 'monument' reference makes no sense here, unless it refers to the throne. The voice here is not remotely Chrysalis' words words voice, so I still think maybe it's some stray changeling maybe...? I haven't a clue.
Honestly? I think this guessing is all wrong. It must be something that makes more sense, I just have no idea what it is. There are clues here that point to the common guess, but they're very inconsistent with any of the mythos. This must be a reference to something I don't know about.
EDIT: The title must hold a clue. It's the only completely unintelligible thing in the story.
I don't think this makes sense. It's pretty far off-canon with the loss of intelligible thought if it's what the others think it is. The 'monument' reference makes no sense here, unless it refers to the throne. The voice here is not remotely Chrysalis' words words voice, so I still think maybe it's some stray changeling maybe...? I haven't a clue.
Honestly? I think this guessing is all wrong. It must be something that makes more sense, I just have no idea what it is. There are clues here that point to the common guess, but they're very inconsistent with any of the mythos. This must be a reference to something I don't know about.
EDIT: The title must hold a clue. It's the only completely unintelligible thing in the story.
Good thing good thing blah. I'm terrible at this and need to finish reviews so I'm going to stop the niceties a little. You already know you write well, author.
The last line places too much optimism on a piece that is otherwise cripplingly dark. "Twilight's friends who were left" isn't really necessary to push the story out there. It only serves to tease the audience with what they can't learn, and I don't think dark-for-dark's-sake serves a purpose. You already set the mood well with the funeral, and additional darkness just makes it less Pony.
It's okay to do a vignette like this as a minific, but it's risky. There are loose ends due to the early lack of context, and I don't know whether I agree with what Luna's doing since I don't have access to the knowledge of what happened. This makes it very hard for me to identify with Luna, and you need that identification here if you want this piece to work. Maybe Celestia's right! How can I know as the reader? Fill that gap.
The last line places too much optimism on a piece that is otherwise cripplingly dark. "Twilight's friends who were left" isn't really necessary to push the story out there. It only serves to tease the audience with what they can't learn, and I don't think dark-for-dark's-sake serves a purpose. You already set the mood well with the funeral, and additional darkness just makes it less Pony.
It's okay to do a vignette like this as a minific, but it's risky. There are loose ends due to the early lack of context, and I don't know whether I agree with what Luna's doing since I don't have access to the knowledge of what happened. This makes it very hard for me to identify with Luna, and you need that identification here if you want this piece to work. Maybe Celestia's right! How can I know as the reader? Fill that gap.
>>Ranmilia
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Yeah, this seems pretty clear cut after reviewing both entries. It's still Roger's call, of course.
I don't know if the author was aware of the rules, but you can't write two stories together as separate entries because it compromises anonymity. It tells other users that the same pony authored both stories, and if one story is ejected and the other makes the cut, now we have one story to vote on that everypony knows who wrote it.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Yeah, this seems pretty clear cut after reviewing both entries. It's still Roger's call, of course.
I don't know if the author was aware of the rules, but you can't write two stories together as separate entries because it compromises anonymity. It tells other users that the same pony authored both stories, and if one story is ejected and the other makes the cut, now we have one story to vote on that everypony knows who wrote it.
>>Trick_Question
No, it's pretty clear to me that this is about a changeling after the S6 finale - unclear if it's Chryssi or not, but it doesn't totally matter, I don't think.
Not everyone faithfully follows every bit of canon - this fic makes perfect sense if you take the assumption that before the changedlingening, all changelings (except Thorax or whatever) were part of a single hivemind that only works as well as it does because of how many... what are members of a hivemind called? "Individuals" sounds kind of off-the-nose.
No, it's pretty clear to me that this is about a changeling after the S6 finale - unclear if it's Chryssi or not, but it doesn't totally matter, I don't think.
Not everyone faithfully follows every bit of canon - this fic makes perfect sense if you take the assumption that before the changedlingening, all changelings (except Thorax or whatever) were part of a single hivemind that only works as well as it does because of how many... what are members of a hivemind called? "Individuals" sounds kind of off-the-nose.
Shit, even the titles go together. Shit. These were both good stories. Shit shit shit.
:fluttershysad:
:fluttershysad:
>>Exuno
Well it's definitely not in Chryssi's lorem ipsum lorem ipsum voice, and if it's a changeling then Chryssi must be the SHE rather than Celestia, and that doesn't make a lot of sense contextually since the voice doesn't seem happy with HER.
I suppose this is about the ones left behind (like those in Ponyville). The event broke the hivemind, so they can't detect Chryssi anymore, or each other, maybe?
When I say "canon" I mean that loosely. I'm trying to make sense of this with respect to the general things we've seen the potential actors do, and coming up a little short.
Well it's definitely not in Chryssi's lorem ipsum lorem ipsum voice, and if it's a changeling then Chryssi must be the SHE rather than Celestia, and that doesn't make a lot of sense contextually since the voice doesn't seem happy with HER.
I suppose this is about the ones left behind (like those in Ponyville). The event broke the hivemind, so they can't detect Chryssi anymore, or each other, maybe?
When I say "canon" I mean that loosely. I'm trying to make sense of this with respect to the general things we've seen the potential actors do, and coming up a little short.
Seriously, I dunno what else to say. I can't recommend anything that will make this better (it does what it set out to do very well), and it's definitely a groaner. Mission accomplished? :derpytongue2:
This is perfect except I'm not 100% on what happened.
I think either the guitar had an animal inside it, or the sound of the guitar represented the death of the animal, but then I don't know why she was running for the door.
Is this supposed to indicate Luna and the doctor at odds? Is that the theme? Luna wouldn't hide the truth unless it was necessary, so... I'm just lost. I am not smart today. Help.
I think either the guitar had an animal inside it, or the sound of the guitar represented the death of the animal, but then I don't know why she was running for the door.
Is this supposed to indicate Luna and the doctor at odds? Is that the theme? Luna wouldn't hide the truth unless it was necessary, so... I'm just lost. I am not smart today. Help.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I don't think the mist hinders Luna, I think it represents the mare's limited mental capacity to remember everything at once.
I don't think the mist hinders Luna, I think it represents the mare's limited mental capacity to remember everything at once.
This made me laugh, and I rarely see good Derpy stories.
I don't agree with >>Fenton that the twist back to the absurd was bad: it's what I like most about the piece, and it fit for me at least. Maybe it's a personal taste.
I agree in part with >>Posh about the coincidence between the story and the actual intervention seeming confusingly meta. Maybe that's why I never saw a complete withdraw from absurdity and thus the ending didn't bother me as much.
I think Derpy's transformation sentence should be more detailed, and maybe a little less silly. Most of the rest of the story is tongue-in-cheek humor rather than outright randomness (er, except for the factory thing, but even that was delivered dryly). Either way, this story would benefit from access to more horse words than the minific format can provide.
I don't agree with >>Fenton that the twist back to the absurd was bad: it's what I like most about the piece, and it fit for me at least. Maybe it's a personal taste.
I agree in part with >>Posh about the coincidence between the story and the actual intervention seeming confusingly meta. Maybe that's why I never saw a complete withdraw from absurdity and thus the ending didn't bother me as much.
I think Derpy's transformation sentence should be more detailed, and maybe a little less silly. Most of the rest of the story is tongue-in-cheek humor rather than outright randomness (er, except for the factory thing, but even that was delivered dryly). Either way, this story would benefit from access to more horse words than the minific format can provide.
>>Trick_Question
AJ has gone partially crazy and is hearing voices. Her first idea was the Apple Matrix. A new idea? Yea.
This story made me bust a gut. Good job, author. It's my kind of absurd
AJ has gone partially crazy and is hearing voices. Her first idea was the Apple Matrix. A new idea? Yea.
This story made me bust a gut. Good job, author. It's my kind of absurd
I like the idea, it has the adorbs, and it's written well.
This story makes me miss Present Perfect's absence after the Writeoff Bad Times. :raritydespair:
In part, because Present Perfect would know that this isn't an XK-class scenario. It's LK-class, for species transformation, because this isn't what 'end of the world' actually means in that genre. I like SCP stories (and this is adorable and has Good End), but this deviates too much from what SCP canon to connect to other SCP events. Since the story doesn't stand fully on its own without SCP, the deviations from canon are a notable flaw.
Otherwise, it's great. :yay:
This story makes me miss Present Perfect's absence after the Writeoff Bad Times. :raritydespair:
In part, because Present Perfect would know that this isn't an XK-class scenario. It's LK-class, for species transformation, because this isn't what 'end of the world' actually means in that genre. I like SCP stories (and this is adorable and has Good End), but this deviates too much from what SCP canon to connect to other SCP events. Since the story doesn't stand fully on its own without SCP, the deviations from canon are a notable flaw.
Otherwise, it's great. :yay:
This is a top tier Feghoot. It didn't make me laugh as much as the other absurd one I liked but it takes second place so far
This was a very well-written story, and the voicing was good (though I can't see Scoots being that harsh), but I had a couple of minor issues.
Rarity shouldn't be this skilled at being blind if this happened very recently, and for her not to be dramatic when the event just occurred (and to not let others wait on her) is out of character for her. It also confused me that her eyeballs are completely white when it's a temporary effect. All the lead-in was shouting 'she's permanently blind' and indicated this was leading to Rarity trying to redesign herself as a person after losing her livelihood—and Rarity's career is 'who she is' more than anypony other than Dash.
I think you could make it work if you illustrated this was happening in a TBD situation because her psychology shows she needs to always appear to be in control of her life, in which case this would be an excellent psychodrama piece without permanent change. But, you'd have to focus making that the major theme, and here you focused more on the myth of blind-people-powers... which is less interesting to me.
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
buck's sake ponies it's chaste lozenge get it straight :ajbemused:
Rarity shouldn't be this skilled at being blind if this happened very recently, and for her not to be dramatic when the event just occurred (and to not let others wait on her) is out of character for her. It also confused me that her eyeballs are completely white when it's a temporary effect. All the lead-in was shouting 'she's permanently blind' and indicated this was leading to Rarity trying to redesign herself as a person after losing her livelihood—and Rarity's career is 'who she is' more than anypony other than Dash.
I think you could make it work if you illustrated this was happening in a TBD situation because her psychology shows she needs to always appear to be in control of her life, in which case this would be an excellent psychodrama piece without permanent change. But, you'd have to focus making that the major theme, and here you focused more on the myth of blind-people-powers... which is less interesting to me.
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
buck's sake ponies it's chaste lozenge get it straight :ajbemused:
This is a pretty dramatic piece, and it touches on a lot of issues I know very well (grading, and killing myself).
I had problems with 'TV' and 'gun' and 'liquor', because the first two of those at the very least mean 'EQG'. But then it ends up not being EQG (which is a big surprise), and I have to reconcile what I'm reading with Ponyville and am left wondering if there are details in the author's mind that I'm missing.
Bucking horse Jesus! That came out of, like, nowhere. It's a bit uncharacteristic to put suicidality after contemplating one's sex life, because a lack of sex (rather than relationships and close supportive friendships) isn't usually what drives us to kill ourselves.
Seriously though, this is a horrible epiphany and needs a little warning. It also doesn't jive with the rest of the story. Why would she bother grading the papers? I can only guess she's 'kidding' but it does not come off that way. It reads as dead serious, and the happiness at the end is far too much contrast for this (which other reviewers have commented on).
This quibble is of no import, but I think most people don't start esophagus with the extra 'o', and even for a teacher it seems too formal for the theme of the fic.
I had problems with 'TV' and 'gun' and 'liquor', because the first two of those at the very least mean 'EQG'. But then it ends up not being EQG (which is a big surprise), and I have to reconcile what I'm reading with Ponyville and am left wondering if there are details in the author's mind that I'm missing.
She would retire and blow her brains out the very next day.
Bucking horse Jesus! That came out of, like, nowhere. It's a bit uncharacteristic to put suicidality after contemplating one's sex life, because a lack of sex (rather than relationships and close supportive friendships) isn't usually what drives us to kill ourselves.
Seriously though, this is a horrible epiphany and needs a little warning. It also doesn't jive with the rest of the story. Why would she bother grading the papers? I can only guess she's 'kidding' but it does not come off that way. It reads as dead serious, and the happiness at the end is far too much contrast for this (which other reviewers have commented on).
This quibble is of no import, but I think most people don't start esophagus with the extra 'o', and even for a teacher it seems too formal for the theme of the fic.
This is... cute(?) amid the darkness. The voices are amusing, and the action realistic.
The random is just too over-the-top for my taste. I can't appreciate drama if it isn't anchored to something, and neither character is acting sensibly, or in character. Even the backstory doesn't make much sense, because with Luna back her load is lessened, so why would Celestia want to outsource, then? Celie is not typically the center of crazy ideas.
This kind of goes into the same bucket as the Spelling Bee story, except here it isn't as clear that you're trying to be ridiculous, so the darkness is even less palatable. You could have told this story without all the death and grim, relying on realism rather than extremeness, and I think it would have been much more relatable.
The random is just too over-the-top for my taste. I can't appreciate drama if it isn't anchored to something, and neither character is acting sensibly, or in character. Even the backstory doesn't make much sense, because with Luna back her load is lessened, so why would Celestia want to outsource, then? Celie is not typically the center of crazy ideas.
This kind of goes into the same bucket as the Spelling Bee story, except here it isn't as clear that you're trying to be ridiculous, so the darkness is even less palatable. You could have told this story without all the death and grim, relying on realism rather than extremeness, and I think it would have been much more relatable.
>>Morning Sun
You're an involuntary member of the Dickmare Central server on Discord, where our icon is Fluttershy with a horsecock for a nose.
You already know the answers to those questions. :fluttershyouch: :trollestia:
You're an involuntary member of the Dickmare Central server on Discord, where our icon is Fluttershy with a horsecock for a nose.
You already know the answers to those questions. :fluttershyouch: :trollestia:
Go ahead, my little pony.
I love doing this in my stories. You get the Trixie Seal of Approval! :discordthumb:
I don't agree with >>CoffeeMinion at all on this one. I think the shift is perfect and does not deduct from the drama, precisely because it underscores the very problem Celestia has. This is a comical insight into her character, but there's something very serious behind it. I get a chuckle, but am left with a feeling of depth.
A couple of quibbles related to the timeline implications.
First, I'm guessing you intended to confuse the audience with Raven Quill instead of Raven Inkwell, but the name similarity made things pretty ambiguous as to your intent. I think it would make much more sense to make her Inkwell, then hint that she gets 'thawed' around the time Luna returns. Like, have the last thing she says be, "It's not Quill, it's Inkwell..." and then drop a clue about her return.
Second, I'm not sure Hades would get renamed to Tartarus, especially if it has the consistency to lodge somepony like Tirek for that long.
>>Trick_Question
I actually like the deep stuff very much here. The insight into Celestia's character is fair and well-presented. I guess the problem I have is specifically with turning mystery pone into stone and walking away thinking she'd deal with it in centuries. For me that goes OOC and into plain cruelty, which undercuts much of the value of exploring Celestia's character by being fundamentally at odds with her character.
I dunno.
I actually like the deep stuff very much here. The insight into Celestia's character is fair and well-presented. I guess the problem I have is specifically with turning mystery pone into stone and walking away thinking she'd deal with it in centuries. For me that goes OOC and into plain cruelty, which undercuts much of the value of exploring Celestia's character by being fundamentally at odds with her character.
I dunno.
>>CoffeeMinion
Ah, I see. I didn't think of it that way, which was my oversight.
I was thinking 'this pony had already dedicated her life to her new job so waking up in two centuries would be no big deal' but I forgot about family, etc.
Ah, I see. I didn't think of it that way, which was my oversight.
I was thinking 'this pony had already dedicated her life to her new job so waking up in two centuries would be no big deal' but I forgot about family, etc.
Genre: Flutterbat poetry
Thoughts: Ooh, cool and creepy! I'll agree with other reviewers that it's a little too obscure to get a clear sense of the story going on here. However, as a mood piece, it's really strong. Flutterbat comes off as having a cruel streak but not being inveterately evil. Fluttershy comes off as scared and longing to stop what's going on with her. From there it's various bits and pieces that help reinforce the mood.
If I could nitpick one line that I don't understand, it's this one:
Okay, I'll nominate a second as well:
These raise a lot of questions about the potential identity of who the poem is addressed to, and unfortunately they also dash the possibilities of some of the potential top contenders (IMO). Granted, a few lines later we get pointed fairly definitively toward Rarity. But why Rarity? I'm not exactly a fandom-wide shipping expert but that doesn't strike me as one of the obvious ones when I think about Fluttershy, so IMO it would be helpful to introduce that better or give some more context for why they're together if that's what's happening. Also granted, it's an assumption on my part that there's meant to be a romantic undercurrent to this. But right now that feels like the most likely thing.
IMO a little extra clarity could turn this into something really special. I mean, what's here is beautiful; it's just a hairsbreadth too opaque for me to fully recommend.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Ooh, cool and creepy! I'll agree with other reviewers that it's a little too obscure to get a clear sense of the story going on here. However, as a mood piece, it's really strong. Flutterbat comes off as having a cruel streak but not being inveterately evil. Fluttershy comes off as scared and longing to stop what's going on with her. From there it's various bits and pieces that help reinforce the mood.
If I could nitpick one line that I don't understand, it's this one:
But survive the Everfree? Not on your own.
Okay, I'll nominate a second as well:
And you'll have to trust me, above you, wherever I lead.
These raise a lot of questions about the potential identity of who the poem is addressed to, and unfortunately they also dash the possibilities of some of the potential top contenders (IMO). Granted, a few lines later we get pointed fairly definitively toward Rarity. But why Rarity? I'm not exactly a fandom-wide shipping expert but that doesn't strike me as one of the obvious ones when I think about Fluttershy, so IMO it would be helpful to introduce that better or give some more context for why they're together if that's what's happening. Also granted, it's an assumption on my part that there's meant to be a romantic undercurrent to this. But right now that feels like the most likely thing.
IMO a little extra clarity could turn this into something really special. I mean, what's here is beautiful; it's just a hairsbreadth too opaque for me to fully recommend.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Feels punch!!!
Thoughts: I didn't see the feels punch coming.
The first little bit of this is kind of funky and just hanging there in space, as >>Zaid Val'Roa mentions. Then I'll pile on with >>AndrewRogue and >>Trick_Question for the desire to see more of why Trixie wants to do this, and why she feels it's necessary. Like there must be some underlying conflict with Starlight that Trixie is looking for help with, right?
Nevertheless, the feels punch was there, and I got punched, and there were feels. I mean, "This will be determination measured in humility" is frickin' gold. The buildup to and delivery of that line elevates this above the quibbles that I could otherwise lob about stuff that others have noted.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I didn't see the feels punch coming.
The first little bit of this is kind of funky and just hanging there in space, as >>Zaid Val'Roa mentions. Then I'll pile on with >>AndrewRogue and >>Trick_Question for the desire to see more of why Trixie wants to do this, and why she feels it's necessary. Like there must be some underlying conflict with Starlight that Trixie is looking for help with, right?
Nevertheless, the feels punch was there, and I got punched, and there were feels. I mean, "This will be determination measured in humility" is frickin' gold. The buildup to and delivery of that line elevates this above the quibbles that I could otherwise lob about stuff that others have noted.
Tier: Strong
Genre: Crossover where Moss from The I.T. Crowd takes hallucinogens with Discord and has a bad trip?
Thoughts: At first blush this looks like Pinkamena's Wake II: Electric Scootaloo, but the center-aligned lines give it a creepy, almost horror vibe, which could serve as a strong differentiator. The problem (at least for me) is that I can't puzzle out the meaning of it all. The story seems to fixate on "Moss" but I'll be darned if I know what it's talking about there. I want to know! Ideally the obscurity of the narrative should help by giving us a whirl of mental images to accompany the story, whereas right now it doesn't coalesce into a meaningful part of the story.
I hate to not reward the creativity that went into this, though. I very much think there's untapped potential in this one.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: At first blush this looks like Pinkamena's Wake II: Electric Scootaloo, but the center-aligned lines give it a creepy, almost horror vibe, which could serve as a strong differentiator. The problem (at least for me) is that I can't puzzle out the meaning of it all. The story seems to fixate on "Moss" but I'll be darned if I know what it's talking about there. I want to know! Ideally the obscurity of the narrative should help by giving us a whirl of mental images to accompany the story, whereas right now it doesn't coalesce into a meaningful part of the story.
I hate to not reward the creativity that went into this, though. I very much think there's untapped potential in this one.
Tier: Needs Work
Since we have decent coverageI will take a different tact on reviewing this one, because I am a dirty, filthy shipper.
To sell me on the romance, you need to get me invested in it. Somehow. I need to like the pairing for some reason.
I don't like Spike/Rarity. This isn't to be said that I can't be sold on the romance (or even that you are writing this for me), but Spike/Rarity has a lot of inherent problems. The foremost being that Spike is a child. Its a crush. It is hard to think of it as anything other than a crush. It could become something more after he grows up a bit, but until then... well. It's a crush.
So, the problem with this piece is that the emotion doesn't resonate with me because I have trouble putting this to a context where I can take it seriously. I just see ~13 year old emotional maturity Spike writing this. I mean, it doesn't mean his emotions aren't real or anything, but I have nothing to really contravene the little voice in my head making "Crawling in my skin" jokes. It is real for Spike in the moment, but I see them as the same overwrought emotions I was familiar with in my own childhood.
Hopefully that makes sense? This will likely read better to somebody into the ship, but for me it just resonates in a certain way.
To sell me on the romance, you need to get me invested in it. Somehow. I need to like the pairing for some reason.
I don't like Spike/Rarity. This isn't to be said that I can't be sold on the romance (or even that you are writing this for me), but Spike/Rarity has a lot of inherent problems. The foremost being that Spike is a child. Its a crush. It is hard to think of it as anything other than a crush. It could become something more after he grows up a bit, but until then... well. It's a crush.
So, the problem with this piece is that the emotion doesn't resonate with me because I have trouble putting this to a context where I can take it seriously. I just see ~13 year old emotional maturity Spike writing this. I mean, it doesn't mean his emotions aren't real or anything, but I have nothing to really contravene the little voice in my head making "Crawling in my skin" jokes. It is real for Spike in the moment, but I see them as the same overwrought emotions I was familiar with in my own childhood.
Hopefully that makes sense? This will likely read better to somebody into the ship, but for me it just resonates in a certain way.
>>Trick_Question
I intended the limited as "shows us only a very specific detail". Luna has to work around the shifting focus to see the picture.
I also think that Luna and the doctor were treating different aspects of the problem. One the mundane cause, the other what could be a parasitic infestation.
I intended the limited as "shows us only a very specific detail". Luna has to work around the shifting focus to see the picture.
I also think that Luna and the doctor were treating different aspects of the problem. One the mundane cause, the other what could be a parasitic infestation.
This had some good atmosphere and descriptions going, but then threw it all away to grab at shock value.
Don't kill kids to get Writeoff votes.
Threats of (at least violence and what I read as) implied rape against even younger children, those are no good either.
Since it's a mini, there isn't much else going on, we can't ask questions about the camp or the counselors or why nobody saw or reported any of this, or how search parties can fail to find a magical pony body in a magical setting. It's all in on the shock value of the brutal bullying and the twist end, and that is a complete no-sell for me.
See above comments for some structural issues, the piece seems to cheat a bit to hide the twist.
Thank you for participating. I hope writing this was a learning experience, and that you will continue to enter future rounds and grow as a writer.
Don't kill kids to get Writeoff votes.
Threats of (at least violence and what I read as) implied rape against even younger children, those are no good either.
Since it's a mini, there isn't much else going on, we can't ask questions about the camp or the counselors or why nobody saw or reported any of this, or how search parties can fail to find a magical pony body in a magical setting. It's all in on the shock value of the brutal bullying and the twist end, and that is a complete no-sell for me.
See above comments for some structural issues, the piece seems to cheat a bit to hide the twist.
Thank you for participating. I hope writing this was a learning experience, and that you will continue to enter future rounds and grow as a writer.
Starlight's got a new hairdo that she's unsure about and is grating on her. Much like her entire new life.
I dunno. Context helps this one a bit, and I don't particularly see the ending as sad or cynical? I mean, the emotions are, but that's the nature of huge life changes. Sometimes they feel like far too much. This is a place where having the additional context of the show is interesting though, because we KNOW Starlight does adapt. The hair ends up working out for her, as do the friendships.
That said, word choice matters and boinger -really- makes it hard to focus on the more tightly wound emotions. Like, I really have trouble taking things seriously when that word keeps getting repeated. :p
I dunno. Context helps this one a bit, and I don't particularly see the ending as sad or cynical? I mean, the emotions are, but that's the nature of huge life changes. Sometimes they feel like far too much. This is a place where having the additional context of the show is interesting though, because we KNOW Starlight does adapt. The hair ends up working out for her, as do the friendships.
That said, word choice matters and boinger -really- makes it hard to focus on the more tightly wound emotions. Like, I really have trouble taking things seriously when that word keeps getting repeated. :p
One week later we had both fully transformed into magical talking pony creatures, just like in the show.
?!
Oh, reference to some popular fic. Well..
Above the break is fine. Decent back and forth, some intrigue, believable, reads well, I want to know what happens next.
After the break things go off the rails pretty hard. Even knowing the reference, that's a really abrupt transition, and the narrative arc flies off into space. Reads like the author had a good idea for the start of the story, but then ran out of either time or ideas and the later parts never gelled into something coherent. So, essentially, same as >>Fenton. Thanks for writing!
This story is way too understated. Like about everything.
Both of our characters are basically straight men (even when they're not) and they end up sandbagging everything. This miiiight work better if I was familiar with the source material (since sandbagging broader concepts can be funny!), but since I'm not, all I get is a sandbagging of the content being put out to entertain me.
Overall the idea is cute, as is the logic applied at the end, but yeah, it doesn't do much else for me.
Both of our characters are basically straight men (even when they're not) and they end up sandbagging everything. This miiiight work better if I was familiar with the source material (since sandbagging broader concepts can be funny!), but since I'm not, all I get is a sandbagging of the content being put out to entertain me.
Overall the idea is cute, as is the logic applied at the end, but yeah, it doesn't do much else for me.
This is pretty much crackfiction, and I'm not big on crackfiction.
Actual writing is fine and the shape of the last joke works for me, but yeah, nothing else here really works for me. Just isn't my kind of humor.
Actual writing is fine and the shape of the last joke works for me, but yeah, nothing else here really works for me. Just isn't my kind of humor.
Pretty basic meta-concept here, as we can see by Twilight's Butt doing the exact same thing this round. This has a superior second half, but Butt had a funnier opening and better overall comedy. Overall I think Twilight's Butt is superior; this concept needs the comedy to sustain interest. If I wasn't reading this for a competition, I would've closed the tab before reaching the twist.
Sorry if that's a bit of an abrupt review though. You did finish the form, which by itself is good for at least low-mid in most mini rounds. Go stare at Twilight's Butt for a while, it's very relevant, and also contains some comments applicable to this piece Thanks for writing!
Sorry if that's a bit of an abrupt review though. You did finish the form, which by itself is good for at least low-mid in most mini rounds. Go stare at Twilight's Butt for a while, it's very relevant, and also contains some comments applicable to this piece Thanks for writing!
Good game. I appreciate that the reference is overt, too. The game's probably obscure enough that you could have tried to change terms and sneak it under the radar. Props for not doing that!
The story, though... well, it's the bare bones of the game plot, with the humor and tones removed and replaced with "Anon." I feel like that's a losing trade compared to just doing something with Pom, and I can't reward many originality points for just rehashing the game's plot.
Thanks for writing, though! Good effort, come back and try something more challenging!
The story, though... well, it's the bare bones of the game plot, with the humor and tones removed and replaced with "Anon." I feel like that's a losing trade compared to just doing something with Pom, and I can't reward many originality points for just rehashing the game's plot.
Thanks for writing, though! Good effort, come back and try something more challenging!
May 21 1998
Itchy itchy Scott came ugly face so killed him. Tasty.
4 / /
Itchy. Tasty.
Yeah, this is about an individual changeling separated from the hivemind. SHE is Chryssi, and this is likely pointing towards her being a distinct top of the hivemind ala the overmind or something. That said, I definitely didn't get this without looking at the comments.
In fact, I thought the first section was some human unwillingly being transformed into a pony and having a shit time typing.
Anyhow, the idea here is cute but we kind of miss the interesting bit of how the individual here adopts to being an individual, as we spent almost the entire time in the "what it was like to be in a hivemind" idea, which I think is a bit of a shame. At a level, this is basically the naval gazey version of I, Borg. I mean, the concept is fun, but the lack of any external stimuli or real understanding of the transformation is a huge missed opportunity, I think.
Being obscure at the beginning is another problem, since you are further removing the reader ability to understand if they don't immediately think of the Changlings as a hivemind they really have to ramp into it, and that can be tricky.
Itchy itchy Scott came ugly face so killed him. Tasty.
4 / /
Itchy. Tasty.
Yeah, this is about an individual changeling separated from the hivemind. SHE is Chryssi, and this is likely pointing towards her being a distinct top of the hivemind ala the overmind or something. That said, I definitely didn't get this without looking at the comments.
In fact, I thought the first section was some human unwillingly being transformed into a pony and having a shit time typing.
Anyhow, the idea here is cute but we kind of miss the interesting bit of how the individual here adopts to being an individual, as we spent almost the entire time in the "what it was like to be in a hivemind" idea, which I think is a bit of a shame. At a level, this is basically the naval gazey version of I, Borg. I mean, the concept is fun, but the lack of any external stimuli or real understanding of the transformation is a huge missed opportunity, I think.
Being obscure at the beginning is another problem, since you are further removing the reader ability to understand if they don't immediately think of the Changlings as a hivemind they really have to ramp into it, and that can be tricky.
Do you want broos? Because that's how you get broos.
This is barely a narrative, though. Just a collection of jokes, in somewhat questionable trying-too-hard taste, as >>AndrewRogue said.
Good comedy practice, didn't work, learn from it and move on. Thanks for writing!
This is barely a narrative, though. Just a collection of jokes, in somewhat questionable trying-too-hard taste, as >>AndrewRogue said.
Good comedy practice, didn't work, learn from it and move on. Thanks for writing!
I feel so mean this round, but another comedy that just didn't work for me. There were a couple lines that got smiles out of me (mostly Silversmith's straight manning), but on the whole? This just really didn't gel in any particularly funny way with me.
I dunno. Reviewing comedy when jokes don't land with me is hard, because it isn't like I have an immediately better suggestion to fix it half the time. Dunno. I feel like this one checked the boxes for what I'd expect a referential comedy to do, but yeah. Don't ask me.
I dunno. Reviewing comedy when jokes don't land with me is hard, because it isn't like I have an immediately better suggestion to fix it half the time. Dunno. I feel like this one checked the boxes for what I'd expect a referential comedy to do, but yeah. Don't ask me.
"Cupcakes, cupcakes, wooooooo!"
Good one, I think this went over most people's heads.
Anyway: what everyone else said. Not really a story, just a collection of single jokes, most not really that funny, some are okay, nothing made me bust a gut. Especially agree with everything >>Trick_Question said.
Comedy practice, needs work, probably good learning experience though. Thanks for writing!
See >>Fenton regarding the ending. It comes out of nowhere, and a twist isn't really necessary.
The rest of it... is okay, although it does come off a bit as an AJ character bash. You'd think the Element of Honesty would be able to tell if someone was being honest. But that's where the ending twist comes in? But why didn't Twilight believe her?! And what was all that uncomfortable racism stuff?!?!
Feels like this piece is a little confused and trying to do too many things at once. Serious character work, comedy character work, monkeycheese comedy twist ending? Pick one, maybe two, but not all three. Technical stuff is sound, just work on tightening your concepts and having a clear plan for what you want to accomplish in a mini and you'll get there. Thanks for writing!
The rest of it... is okay, although it does come off a bit as an AJ character bash. You'd think the Element of Honesty would be able to tell if someone was being honest. But that's where the ending twist comes in? But why didn't Twilight believe her?! And what was all that uncomfortable racism stuff?!?!
Feels like this piece is a little confused and trying to do too many things at once. Serious character work, comedy character work, monkeycheese comedy twist ending? Pick one, maybe two, but not all three. Technical stuff is sound, just work on tightening your concepts and having a clear plan for what you want to accomplish in a mini and you'll get there. Thanks for writing!
I think the funniest line in the fic was the Winona crack, which unfortunately comes way early (ha ha ha).
Uh, honestly, I dunno much about Triumph beyond tiny bits I've seen, so I really have no idea about voicing here.
See my review on (Apple) Jacked In again, I guess. A few more cracks here at least got smiles out of me (what can I say, I'm awful), but a lot of them just generally fell flat. Honestly, I guess I'd say this is a somewhat better version of the Most Interesting Pony in the World fic from a few rounds ago, but has most of the same problems as well.
Uh, honestly, I dunno much about Triumph beyond tiny bits I've seen, so I really have no idea about voicing here.
See my review on (Apple) Jacked In again, I guess. A few more cracks here at least got smiles out of me (what can I say, I'm awful), but a lot of them just generally fell flat. Honestly, I guess I'd say this is a somewhat better version of the Most Interesting Pony in the World fic from a few rounds ago, but has most of the same problems as well.
This walks a really dangerous line, hovering right in the territory of good natured ribbing of fellow writeoff folks and being mean-spirited.
Not really a good fit to the mini format here. We enter in media res, dealing with an alt-world Nightmare Moon, due to... I don't know, the circumstances are never explained. Figuring that out took a fair portion of mental energy. Then the characters yell at each other for a while, Twilight deadnames Nightmare Moon and makes assumptions about her world like an asshole, Luna shows up, and ??? The End, No Moral.
Try to do a smaller, more concrete idea that can fully fit in the minific format, next time. Your prose is fine, keep practicing and thinking about what you write from multiple angles, and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!
Try to do a smaller, more concrete idea that can fully fit in the minific format, next time. Your prose is fine, keep practicing and thinking about what you write from multiple angles, and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!
Another review where I can point to all the existing comments. I couldn't figure out what the theme of this piece was; if it's about Starlight feeling left out, that starts way too late in the piece and the hair thing seemingly has nothing to do with it. If it's general character fluff, I don't know why Starlight's so down.
Twilight and Pinkie's interaction does feel strange. I think it's just plain out of character for them to leave Starlight out of the conversation like that, especially for Pinkie.
And then... it ends. No sense of resolution, the arc just doesn't come together for me. To quote Zaid, I'm left with no impression after reading it.
Thanks for writing, though. I'm not sure exactly what the aim was, but I can see that this was shooting for something and fell short, and aiming high is better than aiming low.
Twilight and Pinkie's interaction does feel strange. I think it's just plain out of character for them to leave Starlight out of the conversation like that, especially for Pinkie.
And then... it ends. No sense of resolution, the arc just doesn't come together for me. To quote Zaid, I'm left with no impression after reading it.
Thanks for writing, though. I'm not sure exactly what the aim was, but I can see that this was shooting for something and fell short, and aiming high is better than aiming low.
While I don't fully grasp what's going on here (motivations and events are alluded to, but without any context, they're just so many words on a page... er, so to speak), the flow of the action and the tone of the piece have me sold. Well executed, and probably well conceived... I just wish I knew what the thought behind its creation was.
I only have about twenty stories left to read and rank, and I'm hoping to get through all of them this time, instead of leaving a bunch of minifics blowing in the wind. But as of now, this one's sitting at number three on my ballot. I don't promise that it'll stay there, author, but if you were feeling discouraged by the lack of attention this one's gotten... well, don't.
I only have about twenty stories left to read and rank, and I'm hoping to get through all of them this time, instead of leaving a bunch of minifics blowing in the wind. But as of now, this one's sitting at number three on my ballot. I don't promise that it'll stay there, author, but if you were feeling discouraged by the lack of attention this one's gotten... well, don't.
Hm. Well, this piece does have a narrative arc and makes use of the SCP format. That's a good thing!
It's... not great as an SCP entry, though. Very bland, too much blanked out, and the narrative is a cookie cutter "oops it spread and ended the world" deal. Follow >>Not_A_Hat's links and do some reading on how to effectively use the format to achieve your goals. As it stands, this reads more like a basic mimicry of Things SCP Entries Do, which is a bit unexciting.
Thanks for writing, though. Keep practicing!
It's... not great as an SCP entry, though. Very bland, too much blanked out, and the narrative is a cookie cutter "oops it spread and ended the world" deal. Follow >>Not_A_Hat's links and do some reading on how to effectively use the format to achieve your goals. As it stands, this reads more like a basic mimicry of Things SCP Entries Do, which is a bit unexciting.
Thanks for writing, though. Keep practicing!
What She Doesn't Know and Can't Hurt Her are by different authors and so aren't in violation of rule 3(c).
>>Not_A_Hat
The story doesn't give a lot of context (it's another "noodle incident" story, which is a little frustrating to me), but it does outright state that Scoots is getting married. Though, like everyone else, I thought this was about Applejack and Rarity getting hitched.
I think that's to the story's credit, actually. I love couples that show such casual, easy intimacy as these two do in this piece; they feel so entrenched in one another's lives that I'd believe they were a couple even if there wasn't that smooch at the end. It's a minor moment in an event in these characters' lives that shows something sweet, and even profound, in their relationship.
And I'm a sucker for that, I'm afraid. <3
I'm pretty sure it's Scoots wedding, because they're discussing seating AB and Sweetie and the 'ask Scoots where to put them' line. Unless Scoots is the wedding planner, but... yeah.
The story doesn't give a lot of context (it's another "noodle incident" story, which is a little frustrating to me), but it does outright state that Scoots is getting married. Though, like everyone else, I thought this was about Applejack and Rarity getting hitched.
I think that's to the story's credit, actually. I love couples that show such casual, easy intimacy as these two do in this piece; they feel so entrenched in one another's lives that I'd believe they were a couple even if there wasn't that smooch at the end. It's a minor moment in an event in these characters' lives that shows something sweet, and even profound, in their relationship.
And I'm a sucker for that, I'm afraid. <3
>>AndrewRogue I didn't really get "mean spirited" from this... meta, yeah, but not mean. This is a feel we all know too well, right? We need x amount of space to finish y plot line, but we can't fit it in, and we've cut everything else that can be cut as is, so we compromise.
...I mean, it was still a pain in the ass to read, because it's "magitechnobabble magitechnobabble worldbuilding that goes nowhere and dances in the wind," but I at least got a smile out of the ending.
Although that's not really enough, I'm afraid. :/
...I mean, it was still a pain in the ass to read, because it's "magitechnobabble magitechnobabble worldbuilding that goes nowhere and dances in the wind," but I at least got a smile out of the ending.
Although that's not really enough, I'm afraid. :/
nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononooooooooooooooooooooooononononononononononononono
I have to abstain. I'm sorry. Stream-of-consciousness, chaotic structure is my kryptonite.
I have to abstain. I'm sorry. Stream-of-consciousness, chaotic structure is my kryptonite.
Don't lose hope Derpy. I've seen fiction far worse than yours.
As far as absurdism goes, this one is pretty good. I wish we could have spent a little bit more time in the aftermath of Derpy's intervention. I believe there should be a more marked contrast between the fanfic and the rest if the story.
I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said, but I really enjoyed this, and with a bit of expansion and polishing, you'll have a pretty fun story.
As far as absurdism goes, this one is pretty good. I wish we could have spent a little bit more time in the aftermath of Derpy's intervention. I believe there should be a more marked contrast between the fanfic and the rest if the story.
I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said, but I really enjoyed this, and with a bit of expansion and polishing, you'll have a pretty fun story.
>>Trick_Question
I... have yet to review this story. Although I agree that the first section should be dropped.
do you have The Sight
Anyway, this story's whole thing appears to be setting up and playing around with the reader's expectations based on their perceptions of Fluttershy's character. The joke is that Fluttershy is a murderous drug dealer, which runs contrary to her portrayal on the show. It's the last thing anyone would see coming.
I get it. It's packaged well. But the joke didn't land with me. Sorry to say, author.
Also I agree with Posh, drop the first section entirely.
I... have yet to review this story. Although I agree that the first section should be dropped.
do you have The Sight
Anyway, this story's whole thing appears to be setting up and playing around with the reader's expectations based on their perceptions of Fluttershy's character. The joke is that Fluttershy is a murderous drug dealer, which runs contrary to her portrayal on the show. It's the last thing anyone would see coming.
I get it. It's packaged well. But the joke didn't land with me. Sorry to say, author.
...I don't get it. And I think it's because I have no familiarity with the source material. I can't judge this fairly, and will have to abstain.
I feel like a dick every time I do that. :/
I feel like a dick every time I do that. :/
>>Not_A_Hat
Same. The actions are ridiculous, but their presentation is so dry and lacking in theme that I could never get interested. I hate to just totally stoneface this without being able to provide much constructive advice, but all I can really say is comedy is hard and you should keep practicing. Thanks for writing!
Same. The actions are ridiculous, but their presentation is so dry and lacking in theme that I could never get interested. I hate to just totally stoneface this without being able to provide much constructive advice, but all I can really say is comedy is hard and you should keep practicing. Thanks for writing!
>>Posh
The reason I say it can read as mean-spirited is because it is such a blatant failure of basic minific construction (and really, short fiction in general) because the massive textblock is almost entirely extraneous information that it ends up reading as "It isn't that hard to not fuck this up, guys" rather than "Oh, I accidentally ran out of room!"
I honestly assume the author's intention is not as such, but it can pretty easily come across that way, IMO.
The reason I say it can read as mean-spirited is because it is such a blatant failure of basic minific construction (and really, short fiction in general) because the massive textblock is almost entirely extraneous information that it ends up reading as "It isn't that hard to not fuck this up, guys" rather than "Oh, I accidentally ran out of room!"
I honestly assume the author's intention is not as such, but it can pretty easily come across that way, IMO.
>>Ranmilia I think I get it. Unicorns enter a room simultaneously, they duel. Starlight and Twilight adhere to this tradition, and one of them decides the theme for the spells that they cast at one another. They argue over whose turn it is. Starlight gets it, and wins by technicality, beating Twilight to the draw by naming the theme ("I don't know") and casting a spell that reflects that theme (the "to be decided" thing at the end).
I admit that it took me a while to draw that conclusion, though. The characters are fun and well voiced, but as >>Haze said, the execution is a bit of a mess.
I admit that it took me a while to draw that conclusion, though. The characters are fun and well voiced, but as >>Haze said, the execution is a bit of a mess.
...Oh, all right. Heh. Begrudgingly.
Though I think it's strange that this story has essentially the same twist as Totally Banned Derpy. The naysayer gets proven right as a sort of throwaway twist at the end of the story. Kinda hampers the comedic value of the rest of the story's body, doesn't it?
Also, what, exactly, happens to Pear Fritter at the end of the story? She's just kinda left up in the air. Is she a changeling? Is she Chrysalis?
Funny and cute, but mid-tier to me, atm.
Though I think it's strange that this story has essentially the same twist as Totally Banned Derpy. The naysayer gets proven right as a sort of throwaway twist at the end of the story. Kinda hampers the comedic value of the rest of the story's body, doesn't it?
Also, what, exactly, happens to Pear Fritter at the end of the story? She's just kinda left up in the air. Is she a changeling? Is she Chrysalis?
Funny and cute, but mid-tier to me, atm.