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TBD · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
What She Doesn't Know
It had been a month since Twilight Sparkle's funeral.

Everypony was there, including those of Twilight's friends who were left. They didn't know the truth, of course. Celestia had insisted it remain a secret, despite extensive, angry arguments with Luna in private.

"Better she die a hero, redeemed," Celestia had finally said, "than live forever as a villain, corrupted."

But then, that was how Celestia handled things, wasn't it? Luna's bitterness had threatened to consume her as she watched ponies lower the casket into the earth. The pegasi planned a long grey drizzle at the cemetery that day. And watching the farce of a funeral made Luna realize that nopony else would save Twilight. No one, unless she did it herself.

Celestia had forbidden it, of course. But Celestia had made a mistake in sealing away Twilight in crystal deep beneath Canterlot. It was trivial for Luna to locate the cavern, and simpler still to build a suitable dream workshop. What was harder was figuring out how to pierce the crystal. She needed the help of somepony else.

In retrospect it shouldn't have been surprising how readily Cadance agreed. Together, they found a way to crack the seal just enough for Luna to open a dream channel to Twilight's mind.

But weeks had passed, and she still resisted.

“I don’t understand!” Luna said, her head in her hooves. Papers everywhere showed plans for the dream she had constructed, one to slowly and gradually reacclimate Twilight to the importance of friendship, to build up strength to resist whatever dark magic still lingered inside her.

Cadance looked exhausted. “There’s nothing in the dream interfering? A fragment of corruption, like… You know.”

“Like the tantabus?” Luna barked out a laugh. “Would that it were so simple. There are anomalies, certainly, but nothing that I can pin down. If there’s a remnant of dark power there, it has disguised itself in the most innocuous form.”

“I see.”

“She just keeps resisting!” Luna let out a groan. “I have fashioned so many carefully calibrated scenarios to remind her of friendship, of positive feelings, of fairness and happiness and love. But she rejects them all! Often violently. I simply do not understand.”

Cadance was quiet for a long moment. “Maybe…” she said softly, and Luna instantly knew where the sentence was going.

“No. This is not impossible. I will not give up.”

“This is dangerous! What if she escapes somehow? You know what she’s capable of. If the corruption somehow intensifies--or if it spreads again. You know what happened to the others...”

Luna slammed a hoof down. “I would do anything to bring her back. You don’t know what it’s like to be sealed away and forgotten. I’m trying to help, because my sister will not. And I will keep trying until life fades, whether in Twilight or myself.”

“Of course.” Cadance shook her head. “I’m just not sure this is even the right thing to do. What kind of friendship is it to trap Twilight in a sterile dream until we deem her sufficiently reformed? What trust or love does that show?”

“Do you have any better ideas?” Luna snapped. “Because I would love to hear them.”

Cadance stared back, lips pressed into a fine line. Finally, her face softened. “You’re right. I’m just so tired. This is just…”

Luna nodded. “Go get some sleep. I’ll watch over her.”

Cadance trotted off, and Luna closed her eyes, probing the dream once again for any discrepancies, for ways to improve it, for ways to reach Twilight.

She could feel the dream spin off its axis as Twilight introduced another destructive change, rejecting the dream constructs of her friends. Frowning, Luna reset the cycle.

Maybe Cadance was right. Was the dream was too sterile? Luna had feared allowing anything other than idealized morality and positive friendship lessons, but perhaps a lack of friction was in fact the problem. She mentally picked through the dreams, tampering with the calibrations so that dream-Rainbow was a little more brash, dream-Applejack a little more stubborn.

This time, things proceeded as planned. Twilight helped her friends with a problem. She didn’t blow up Sugarcube Corner or set fire to the Library just to cause a problem. She… seemed normal?

Luna felt her heart in her throat. It would take a lot more cycles to be certain, but this was the first sign of promise they had seen.

“Cadance!” she called out. “I think everything is going to be okay!”
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#1 ·
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So I guess this is Lesson Zero Twilight taken to the next level. Without an external problem to solve, she creates one (Much to thr detriment of her friend's lives ).

An interesting piece.
#2 ·
· · >>Fenton
Nice idea and solid prose, good conflict. Character motivations feel a bit odd all around though. Celestia willing to give up so easily, Twilight's friends not being a factor, etc. I lack an immediate suggestion for improvement, but I really don't like the last line. It feels too trite and too assured that everything will be okay, which makes the whole scenario look worse: apparently fixing this was a pretty easy.

Way to be a jerk, Celestia.
#3 ·
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Fenton
This piece feels very arbitrary.

Twilight has, apparently, gone evil, for [reasons] in [some way] in a grim future where [something] went wrong. Celestia thinks she cannot be recovered, because [reasons]. Luna thinks she can, because idealism. Cadance agrees to help, because... also idealism? They come up with [method] which involves dream simulating the entire series, and this will work because [reasons]. But it doesn't work, because Twilight [somethings] because [reasons] which they don't understand. But finally making the dream more realistic works, because [reasons], and suddenly, everything will be okay, because [reasons]. (And Celestia will not solar flare the entire resurrect a supervillain project when she discovers it (which she hasn't already because [reasons]), because [friendship reasons].)

And that's the whole story.

There are too many unexplained, arbitrary "it works this way for the sake of the story" factors for me to really get into the feeling of what this is about, so the plot and themes don't do much for me. Perhaps a bit too complex for mini format? I see what the author was trying to do, but it seems very difficult to get there in a satisfying manner while also setting up the complex frame story.

Prose and structure aren't bad, though. Decent effort. Thanks for writing!
#4 ·
·
So, Luna and Cadence are running Twilight's mind through reruns of FiM to purge her of evil. Who do we have to blame for the poor handling of Twilight's ascension?

But I digress. I mostly agree with >>Ranmilia, this feels like the first draft of a longer story. And I'd definitely read a full version of this concept.

You're good, author. I hope you fare better next time.
#5 ·
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See >>AndrewRogue for the praise and >>Ranmilia for the criticism. This is a too short format for the story you want to tell. Explains things, show us how Twilight had become evil, and why.

And if, by chance, the story is meant to say that the entire show is dream sequences induced by Luna once she has got it right, be more obvious.

Thank you for your work and good luck if you ever expand it to publish it on FimFic.
#6 ·
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
In a shocking twist, it turns out this piece isn't the whole story.
#7 ·
· · >>Trick_Question
>>Ranmilia
Huh... That's pretty clever. Split your story in two and make each stand on its own.
#8 ·
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Good thing good thing blah. I'm terrible at this and need to finish reviews so I'm going to stop the niceties a little. You already know you write well, author.

The last line places too much optimism on a piece that is otherwise cripplingly dark. "Twilight's friends who were left" isn't really necessary to push the story out there. It only serves to tease the audience with what they can't learn, and I don't think dark-for-dark's-sake serves a purpose. You already set the mood well with the funeral, and additional darkness just makes it less Pony.

It's okay to do a vignette like this as a minific, but it's risky. There are loose ends due to the early lack of context, and I don't know whether I agree with what Luna's doing since I don't have access to the knowledge of what happened. This makes it very hard for me to identify with Luna, and you need that identification here if you want this piece to work. Maybe Celestia's right! How can I know as the reader? Fill that gap.
#9 · 2
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>>Ranmilia
Well, shit.

If this is true, that disqualifies both entries.

Not my call, though.
#10 · 1
·
>>Ranmilia
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Yeah, this seems pretty clear cut after reviewing both entries. It's still Roger's call, of course.

I don't know if the author was aware of the rules, but you can't write two stories together as separate entries because it compromises anonymity. It tells other users that the same pony authored both stories, and if one story is ejected and the other makes the cut, now we have one story to vote on that everypony knows who wrote it.
#11 ·
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Shit, even the titles go together. Shit. These were both good stories. Shit shit shit.

:fluttershysad:
#12 · 4
·
👺
#13 · 2
· · >>RogerDodger >>Trick_Question >>CoffeeMinion
What She Doesn't Know and Can't Hurt Her are by different authors and so aren't in violation of rule 3(c).
#14 ·
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>>RogerDodger
Both stories are made much better by the addition of the other, so to be fair to the word limit I'll try to rate them each as though I had only read one of them.
#15 ·
· · >>TitaniumDragon
>>RogerDodger
I dunno, that is way more coincidence than I can buy. They even both talk about blowing up Sugarcube Corner....
#16 ·
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See >>Monokeras
#17 ·
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Genre: Part 1 of 2

Thoughts: I didn't have this on my prelim slate, but I did read it after reading its obvious companion piece. Part 2 is stronger as a standalone story than this is--and I hate to knock the Author's work as such but I feel the comparison makes sense in this case. The limitations here include a lack of clarity around what happened to Twilight and why, as well as a characterization of Celestia that's just hard for me to get into. I think some of that is a matter of opinion, in that I personally find it hard to suspend my disbelief about Celestia going all the way to a fake funeral to cover up for Twilight having fallen into corruption. I think I could be persuaded to buy that but right now I don't feel like the story is working very hard to sell me on it; it's mostly just dropped in there as background material. The word I'm trying to avoid using is "telly," but I can't think of a better one.

Sorry, Author. It works as a companion to the other piece but I fear it doesn't do much for me otherwise.

Tier: Needs Work
#18 ·
·
Wait, is this a reference to Can't Hurt Her?

This time, things proceeded as planned. Twilight helped her friends with a problem. She didn’t blow up Sugarcube Corner or set fire to the Library just to cause a problem. She… seemed normal?


If so, tch.

Anyway...

Where this story struggles is that we aren't given enough context to understand what is wrong with Twilight and what Celestia's motivation/justification is in her approach (as I cannot imagine that Celestia would simply seal Twilight away without trying to save her without good reason). Without that context, there is no catharsis in the resolution.
#19 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion
Man, your mind would have been blown by Horizon's A Basilisk For One, though pulling off the exploit necessary for that is a lot harder now. I'm not sure if someone managed to repeat the exploit (it is possible either author did so), or if it was just coincidence (as, to be fair, there's only so many buildings to be blown up).
#20 ·
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>>TitaniumDragon
Whoa. I think my mind just got blown anyway by reading that...