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TBD · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
To Be Dumb, To Be Dumber
And your wise ponies don’t know how it feels


A loud snore echoed above the park. It was common to hear the blue pegasus sleeping above Ponyville. The following sound was also expected.

“Rainbow Dash!”

Said pegasus woke up, shook her head and looked down to find an orange pegasus.

“I’m coming, squirt.”

With her usual swift and grace, she left her cloud and landed in front of the filly.

“I need your help with my homework,” said Scootaloo. She rummaged in her saddlebag and took a sheet of paper out, helding it in front of her idol. Knowing her awesomeness, she would finish it in no time.

“Lemme see.” Rainbow Dash grabs the piece of paper.

An earth pony wants to plow his 1.2 hectares field. Knowing that the pony is able to plow 1300 m² in 2 hours and 15 mins before needing a 20 mins break, how long will it take for the pony to plow the entire field?


She stared at the piece of paper.

“Come on, Rainbow, do it quickly so I can watch your new stunts.”

Rainbow kept staring. “I… hmm…” She gulped. “What’s this?”

“Oh, it’s just a little math problem Cheerilee gave us for tomorrow.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

Scootaloo winced. Rainbow’s voice was raspier than usual. “What’s the problem, Rainbow?”

“This… This is badly phrased! I mean, do we need to take the pony’s sleep into account? Does he eat during his break or do we need to add another break?”

“I—I don’t know, but I think we only have to use what is given to us.”

“I’m gonna see Cheerilee and give her a piece of my mind,” she growled. “Giving uncomplete problems to kids. What was she thinking?”

In a blink of an eye, Rainbow Dash was gone. Scootaloo watched the blue dot shrinking in the horizon, while the sheet gently falled on the ground.




Rainbow knocked on the classroom’s open door. “Mrs Cheerilee? Can I talk to you for a minute?”

The earth pony put the stack of paper on her desk. “Sure, come in.”

Rainbow slowly walked to the desk, avoiding the teacher’s gaze. “I’ve met Scootaloo a few minutes ago,” she said. “She showed me her homework.” She locked her eyes with Cheerilee’s. “I’m not pleased, not pleased at all.”

Years of dealing with annoying parents helped Cheerilee not rolling her eyes and keeping her composure. “What’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem? What’s the problem?” Rainbow Dash’s voice got louder. “The problem is Scootaloo is a pegasus and you’re teaching her earth pony’s stuff.”

Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. “Ponyville is an earth pony town. So it’s not much of a surprise that Ponyville’s foals are taught the earth pony way. Plus, I clearly remember you participating and even promoting some of our traditions, like the Running Of The Leaves or the Winter Wrap-Up.”

“Yeah, but that’s actual physical exercise,” she yelled. “This is just some nerdy stuff she won’t ever need!”

Cheerilee’s eyes were two block of ice and her voice as cold as the winter wind. “Mrs Dash, I can clearly see that you are beating around the bushes. So why don’t you tell me exactly why you came?”

Rainbow held her gaze for a minute before looking at her hooves. “I…” Words were escaping her, something caught in her throat. “Have you ever come across something you don’t know how to deal with?” Cheerilee kept quiet, knowing that Rainbow was far from done. “Have you ever felt like you’re too stupid to resolve a situation? Like, you know there is an answer but you just can’t figure it out.”

“It happened more than you could count,” whispered Cheerilee.

“Look, Scootaloo isn’t the brightest filly you have taught. Giving her these kind of homeworks just reminds her of her difficulties. That’s cruel for a foal. I thought you knew better.”

“Mrs Dash, Scootaloo is more resourceful than you give her credit for. She is very capable to handle difficulty. Do I need to remind you of her condition? How hard it could be for her to see you be one of the best flyer in Equestria? That's not the case, because she’s tough. It is not a little problem like this that will stop her.”

“But—”

“When was the last time you really tried to outdo yourself?”

“I do it all the time!” Rainbow Dash disappeared in a blur.

“I hope so,” whispered Cheerilee.


To be thick as a brick.
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#1 · 1
· · >>Fenton
Okay, I’m pitching in because this fic has no reviews yet. I won’t vote, so don’t worry.

This suffers from several flaws. First there is an egregious “falled” that sticks like a sore thumb. We also have fits of the purple alicorn syndrome: “the blue pegasus”, etc. Next, err… the story is fine, but a bit bland, and frankly, I’d rather see RD (sneakly) seek Twilight’s help on this rather than go ranting to Cheerilee.

And the last (meta) line was unnecessary.

So yeah, this lacks both in execution and prose, but thanks for writing! (And remember I don’t vote, so you need not fear.)
#2 · 2
· · >>Fenton
the song lyrics suggest we're supposed to sympathize with Rainbow Dash. but I felt like the plot itself guides us into doing the opposite.

I liked the first section a lot, because it felt humorous. though why Scootaloo would think Rainbow Dash would be helpful at math problems takes some assumptions, it's not a huge deal. it felt like a funny subversion that Dash isn't too stupid for math, but is taking the question too literally. that's the kind of joke usually reserved for Twilight Sparkle or Applejack, so it's more surprising to see it here. luckily, I don't think it's too out of character for Dash, and I still want to see where this goes.

the second section is a complete 180, because it feels more sad than comedic. Dash brings up the pony cultural stuff, but Cheerilee sees through it as a diversion. it feels so weird because then it becomes a serious discussion on role models and overcoming difficulty. the way Cheerilee defends herself by turning it around to attack Rainbow Dash feels kinda mean, to be honest. I feel sorry for Dash, but am left with the impression that she's wrong and lying to herself and won't change.

the tone is uneven, if this was the intended goal of the story all along. I think it's an interesting question for a story to ask, but the execution here doesn't put me fully in the character's head to get follow along with the answer. when it comes to Dash admitting her feelings, how she can't deal with certain things because she feels stupid, it's very vague! I can't tie it to anything specific, besides her having trouble with Scootaloo's homework. I get that she wants to weasel her way out of it with excuses so she can still look cool, but if this is re-opening old scars from her past, I want to see that past so I can share in her pain. (e.g. the bullies in the Sonic Rainboom episode show up to remind her that she's always felt a lot of pressure to impress everyone, not just her friends)

this is all my guesswork on the intent of the fic. I think there's a good story at its core, but the writing needs to focus on that.
#3 · 2
· · >>Orbiting_kettle >>Fenton
...I dun get it.

Maybe it's me, but I actually have no idea what RD is really trying to do here, or what Cherilee's response is actually supposed to mean in the end. It's like... sound and fury, but I can't grasp what it's signifying.

On the upside, I do feel like you're trying to convey something here. On the downside, I can't actually figure out what that is. In the end, I'm left confused. Is this really about writing? About racism? About intelligence? If you picked one and stuck with it, I'd be certain, or if there were thematic clues throughout that pointed me in the right direction I might catch them, but I either missed them, or... this changes topic several times, and I wasn't sure how to follow it.

Anyways, this feels ambitious, and I like that. I just wish I had a better idea what it was actually aiming for, because as it is, I'm not even sure what it's trying to do, much less whether it achieved it. Still, you manage to fit quite a bit in for a minific, which is nice. Maybe someone more insightful than me will be able to figure this out. Thanks for sharing.
#4 · 2
· · >>Trick_Question >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Fenton
I think a more recent Rainbow Dash would have fewer problems at addressing her insecurities than the one in the story, but then we lack any kind of temporal placement, so it could be a more inexperienced version of her.

As it is, the story is an interesting character study, with the internal conflict portrayed fairly well. What needs some more work is the narration surrounding it. The opening is a bit weak, and I think that Cheerilee, who clearly understood the subtext, could have used a bit more tact in answering to RD. The story also ends a bit abruptly, with Rainbow's last sentence dropping the whole thing without a proper conclusion. Maybe that's exactly what you wanted to do, but I think it lessens the impact this story has.

There's a lot of potential here, you just need to polish it a bit. Thank you for having thrown your story into the ring.


>>Not_A_Hat

I'm pretty sure the story is Rainbow panicking because she has no idea how to solve the homework, an idea completely alien to bright eyed Scootaloo. RD probably doesn't want to admit it even to herself, so she deflects and creates an alternative explanation (it's stupid Earth Pony stuff) instead of trying to reason about it. She doesn't challenge herself like Cheerilee asks her to do at the end.
#5 · 1
· · >>Fenton
An actual story with a plot and feels! :yay: Plus, it has second-best pony. :scootangel:

I'm with >>Orbiting_kettle on the intended meaning, but I agree with other reviewers that the ending doesn't seem to resolve either Dash's problem (the primary conflict), or Scootaloo's problem (not taking the work seriously) very well.

This is a case where I think English is a handicap, which I wouldn't normally mention because author already knows this, but here it's not just in the proofreading sense. In this case there is a little being lost in translation with the composition of sentences and the word choices. It's actually a testament to how honestly the author is writing that I can get all the emotions exactly as I suspect they were intended (though the whispering moments are strange, especially Cheerilee's).

It would help to have an editor to assist you because you have a talent for writing a narrative that fits with the show very well, kind of like Pascoite (or so I am led to believe).
#6 · 1
· · >>Fenton
Jesus Christ, people. Twenty one hours and eleven minutes.

But anyway, I arrived at the same conclusion as >>Orbiting_kettle, and I think with a bit of tightening, this story could shine all the more bright.

My only real complaint is that we don't et a clear resolution to Dash's arc. Alright, she doesn't want to face her own shortcomings, she tries to beat around the bush, and then the story ends after a few short lines of dialogue, and we're not sure if Dash is going to try to improve herself or not.

The word limit obviously didn't help, but I wonder what could've been done to deliver a more satisfying conclusion.

Oh, well. I liked it, but I'm left wishing there had been more.
#7 · 2
· · >>Trick_Question >>Fenton
Dumb Retrospective

This story was meant to explore, like the quoted lyrics of this amazing song say, what it feels to be dumb around smart people.

That's the result of an hour of writing with only 30 mins to edit and cut around 150 words. Not so much. Last round was bad because it was the weekend I was taking a plane. Guess what? This round happened while I was taking the plane too, and this story was written and posted 10 mins before going to the airport. Anyway, you're probably not here to listen to my little problems, so it's well time for questions and answers.

>>Monokeras
Like I said, written in one hour doesn't really help to avoid basic mistakes. The meta line was to emphasize the point of the story, how RD is feeling. It may be unnecessary, but since I always get comments like "I don't understand what's this story is about", I thought that hammering the message would prevent them from happening. And even with that, some people were still a bit confused.


>>Haze
the song lyrics suggest we're supposed to sympathize with Rainbow Dash. but I felt like the plot itself guides us into doing the opposite.

That was exactly the point and the plot wasn't meant to point in the opposite direction. Once more, epic fail for me.

the second section is a complete 180, because it feels more sad than comedic. Dash brings up the pony cultural stuff, but Cheerilee sees through it as a diversion. it feels so weird because then it becomes a serious discussion on role models and overcoming difficulty. the way Cheerilee defends herself by turning it around to attack Rainbow Dash feels kinda mean, to be honest.

It was meant to be a complete 180, a little experiment to see if I could manage to merge comedy and tragedy into one story.
About the discussion on role models, I don't know for you all, but my Dad isn't the sharpest tool. When I had difficulties with some of my homeworks, he often accused the wording to be badly phrased, or looking for any excuses, while in fact, he didn't understand how to solve the problem.
The way Cheerilee defends herself is indeed a bit mean. That's the result of not having enough words to slowly go to the point. I had to take shortcuts. That's definitely a point I'll focus on when reworking this shit.

I feel sorry for Dash, but am left with the impression that she's wrong and lying to herself and won't change.

Exactly. How many people really change? Not that much from my experience. You can disagree, or expect to not find this in a story, but that point came accross, so yay.

>>Not_A_Hat
See >>Monokeras? Some people still didn't get it, even with the lyrics.
So this was supposed to be a character piece about RD trying to not sound like a dumbass in front of Scootaloo. So she looks for excuses, accusing Cheerilee to be racist etc, before finally telling her that society is violent with dumb people.
All the topics brought during their conversation are just to avoid the diffuclt topic, so you weren't suppose to put a lot of thought into them.
>>Orbiting_kettle got pretty much everything covered for you.


>>Orbiting_kettle
Yes indeed, this story is supposed to happen around season 2-3. I didn't get the chance to properly set the timeline without using an obvious and jarring sentence.
The lack of tact from Cheerilee and the abrupt ending mainly comes from the lack of time and words, so I had to play it straightforward. Like I said, the converstation will be longer in the expanded version.


>>Trick_Question
I think, you pretty much guessed why this was received with mixed feelings. Choice of words and the way I phrased things are still a struggle, with me not being a native speaker. I'm improving, though I'm still far behind a lot of people here.
I usually find a proofreader before the submission, but this time, I couldn't. Hence, the result.


>>Zaid Val'Roa
You're not the first one to raise that Rainbow Dash doesn't resolve her problem. I couldn't imagine a character resolving a lifetime problem with such a plain event. Moreover, I felt like RD accepting she's dumb would have not only lessen the conflict impact, but also, it would have ended on a very naive note.
But don't worry, there will be more (not a lot) in the expanded version.


And voilà. Thank you all for your inputs. I'm glad that I've somehow succeeded to tell a complete story with the little time I had. It's clearly not my best work but it tells me that I'm now able to write something decent in a short time.
Good luck to the finalist, and see you later.
#8 ·
·
>>Fenton
I loved the theme for this story, by the way. It was one of my favorite themes in the entire competition, and it touches on issues that the show hasn't dared to.

(Like, I hated that on the show, Dash gets a 100% on her exam when she's struggling with the material. That isn't the right message to send at all.)