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Counterfritter
"I just don't trust her," Applejack said.
Twilight looked at the celadon-green earth pony in front of them. Her poofy mane was tied up with a ribbon, and she was still harnessed to a cart full of piping-hot pastries. She also looked like she was ready to burst into tears.
"Applejack," Twilight said firmly. "You let everyone into the Apple Family Reunion."
"Nuh-uh," she said, "just family. It's right there in the name, ain't it?"
"What about Pinkie?"
"Shoot, she's family. We had a whole adventure 'bout it and everything."
"What about me?"
"Honorary family."
Cranky and Matilda walked up. Applejack gave them a friendly wave as they walked past and headed for the pie-tasting pavilion.
Applejack saw the look Twilight was giving her. "Cranky and Matilda can be honorary family too. Don't be racist, Twi."
"Half of Ponyville is here!" Twilight exclaimed. "I'm not the racist one. You're being… you're being… fruitist."
Applejack gasped, clutching her hat to her chest as she reeled backwards. "Those are fighting words!"
"The only reason you won't let this poor mare in is because she's a Pear."
"Really, um, I'm sorry," Pear Fritter said, her voice little more than a squeak. "Maybe I should just go."
"No!" Twilight said, right as Applejack said, "Yes!"
They glared at one another.
"I'm on perfectly good terms with Grand Pear and the rest of," Applejack sneered, "that side of the family. I just don't trust her."
"What could she possibly do?"
"Maybe she's a changeling. Here to eat all our love or whatever they do."
"They all got redeemed! Or something. I don't remember exactly."
"See, exactly. Maybe there's a bunch of evil changelings out there who eat apples instead of love. The monsters."
Twilight's horn glowed. A pale violet aura surrounded Pear Fritter, who let out an "Eep!"
"There," Twilight said. "Totally not a changeling. Magic: 1, Rural Suspicion and Hostility: 0."
Applejack squinted her eyes at Pear Fritter. "How do we know she's a real Pear though?"
Twilight groaned.
"No, maybe I have a compromise." Applejack grinned. "I will try one of your fritters, suspicious cousin, and if I am satisfied, then and only then can you be admitted to the Family Reunion."
Pear Fritter looked petrified, but she gave a watery smile anyways.
They had the tasting inside Apple Bloom's bedroom, since the kitchen was full of pies and the living room was full of Pies—Pinkie had brought her whole family too.
Applejack closed the door, dragging a chair to the center of the room. "Sit," she commanded, and Pear Fritter clumsily sat down.
"Doesn't sit like an Apple," she whispered to Twilight.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
Applejack took the plate with the proffered pastry and eyed it suspiciously. She gave it three sniffs. "Seems… okay," she said.
"What exactly do you expect? Poison?"
Applejack jabbed a hoof at her. "Fritters are the Trottish claymore of fried-dough-based pastry. If we were talking just a turnover, then sure, maybe I let little Miss Fancyfruits spread her treats all willy-nilly. But I'm in charge and I can't let anyone get hurt."
"No, really, I can go home," Pear Fritter muttered.
"Not so fast." Applejack sniffed the pastry one final time. Then the took the tiniest of nibbles. "Okay, the flakiness is fine. But I think it doesn't quite fit the flavor profile of a good sharp fruit. I'm not sure about pears, but… hm."
Then she took a slightly larger bite.
"Oh, I see. A lot less sweet, but a little more filling. More soft than crisp, but texture is a personal thing. It just… hmmm."
She then she took two more huge bites and the fritter was gone.
"Well I'll be darned," Applejack said. "I guess you are family."
Pear Fritter let out a sigh of relief.
Then Apple Bloom burst in the room. "Applejack! I know I'm gonna get in trouble for this but uh. I stole one of the fritters outta that cart and ate it."
"What am I gonna do with you?" Applejack said, frowning. "I told you that'd ruin your dinner!"
"But— but—"
"You're s'posed to set a good example for Babs and the other kids!"
"But! It turns out all the fritters are actually tiny changelings but they're evil and now they're flying around eating all the apples!"
Applejack froze. Then her head turned to stare at Twilight. A grin broke across her face.
"Told you!"
Twilight looked at the celadon-green earth pony in front of them. Her poofy mane was tied up with a ribbon, and she was still harnessed to a cart full of piping-hot pastries. She also looked like she was ready to burst into tears.
"Applejack," Twilight said firmly. "You let everyone into the Apple Family Reunion."
"Nuh-uh," she said, "just family. It's right there in the name, ain't it?"
"What about Pinkie?"
"Shoot, she's family. We had a whole adventure 'bout it and everything."
"What about me?"
"Honorary family."
Cranky and Matilda walked up. Applejack gave them a friendly wave as they walked past and headed for the pie-tasting pavilion.
Applejack saw the look Twilight was giving her. "Cranky and Matilda can be honorary family too. Don't be racist, Twi."
"Half of Ponyville is here!" Twilight exclaimed. "I'm not the racist one. You're being… you're being… fruitist."
Applejack gasped, clutching her hat to her chest as she reeled backwards. "Those are fighting words!"
"The only reason you won't let this poor mare in is because she's a Pear."
"Really, um, I'm sorry," Pear Fritter said, her voice little more than a squeak. "Maybe I should just go."
"No!" Twilight said, right as Applejack said, "Yes!"
They glared at one another.
"I'm on perfectly good terms with Grand Pear and the rest of," Applejack sneered, "that side of the family. I just don't trust her."
"What could she possibly do?"
"Maybe she's a changeling. Here to eat all our love or whatever they do."
"They all got redeemed! Or something. I don't remember exactly."
"See, exactly. Maybe there's a bunch of evil changelings out there who eat apples instead of love. The monsters."
Twilight's horn glowed. A pale violet aura surrounded Pear Fritter, who let out an "Eep!"
"There," Twilight said. "Totally not a changeling. Magic: 1, Rural Suspicion and Hostility: 0."
Applejack squinted her eyes at Pear Fritter. "How do we know she's a real Pear though?"
Twilight groaned.
"No, maybe I have a compromise." Applejack grinned. "I will try one of your fritters, suspicious cousin, and if I am satisfied, then and only then can you be admitted to the Family Reunion."
Pear Fritter looked petrified, but she gave a watery smile anyways.
They had the tasting inside Apple Bloom's bedroom, since the kitchen was full of pies and the living room was full of Pies—Pinkie had brought her whole family too.
Applejack closed the door, dragging a chair to the center of the room. "Sit," she commanded, and Pear Fritter clumsily sat down.
"Doesn't sit like an Apple," she whispered to Twilight.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
Applejack took the plate with the proffered pastry and eyed it suspiciously. She gave it three sniffs. "Seems… okay," she said.
"What exactly do you expect? Poison?"
Applejack jabbed a hoof at her. "Fritters are the Trottish claymore of fried-dough-based pastry. If we were talking just a turnover, then sure, maybe I let little Miss Fancyfruits spread her treats all willy-nilly. But I'm in charge and I can't let anyone get hurt."
"No, really, I can go home," Pear Fritter muttered.
"Not so fast." Applejack sniffed the pastry one final time. Then the took the tiniest of nibbles. "Okay, the flakiness is fine. But I think it doesn't quite fit the flavor profile of a good sharp fruit. I'm not sure about pears, but… hm."
Then she took a slightly larger bite.
"Oh, I see. A lot less sweet, but a little more filling. More soft than crisp, but texture is a personal thing. It just… hmmm."
She then she took two more huge bites and the fritter was gone.
"Well I'll be darned," Applejack said. "I guess you are family."
Pear Fritter let out a sigh of relief.
Then Apple Bloom burst in the room. "Applejack! I know I'm gonna get in trouble for this but uh. I stole one of the fritters outta that cart and ate it."
"What am I gonna do with you?" Applejack said, frowning. "I told you that'd ruin your dinner!"
"But— but—"
"You're s'posed to set a good example for Babs and the other kids!"
"But! It turns out all the fritters are actually tiny changelings but they're evil and now they're flying around eating all the apples!"
Applejack froze. Then her head turned to stare at Twilight. A grin broke across her face.
"Told you!"
What is the reason for that last part? Without it, you would have a complete arc with a character learning a lesson and bettering himself, something that really fits the show.
I'm guessing that you were afraid to simply end your story on an 'everything is resolved and everyone's happy and friends' ending, fearing that your reader would roll her eyes before such naivety and innocence. But this is MLP we're talking about, and the audience here is prepared for that kind of tone. Moreover, I'm quite sure most of us are more than prepared for this, they actually enjoy it (I enjoy it). So I don't really understand the reason for the hard switch at the end. (I'm assuming a lot of things so sorry if I'm wrong)
Aside from that, the rest of the story is great. The interaction between Twi and Aj was enjoyable and, while it wasn't the best voice for these characters I've seen, their dialogs were quite in character.
Some of your jokes made me chuckle too.
So a solid story, dragged down by the last part for me. A mid-tier. Thank you for sharing.
I'm guessing that you were afraid to simply end your story on an 'everything is resolved and everyone's happy and friends' ending, fearing that your reader would roll her eyes before such naivety and innocence. But this is MLP we're talking about, and the audience here is prepared for that kind of tone. Moreover, I'm quite sure most of us are more than prepared for this, they actually enjoy it (I enjoy it). So I don't really understand the reason for the hard switch at the end. (I'm assuming a lot of things so sorry if I'm wrong)
Aside from that, the rest of the story is great. The interaction between Twi and Aj was enjoyable and, while it wasn't the best voice for these characters I've seen, their dialogs were quite in character.
Some of your jokes made me chuckle too.
"I'm not the racist one. You're being… you're being… fruitist."
since the kitchen was full of pies and the living room was full of Pies
So a solid story, dragged down by the last part for me. A mid-tier. Thank you for sharing.
Hm, hm, hm. Solid voicing all through with some decent jokes throughout, but the final punchline falls a bit flat to me, which feels unfair given how often I complain about humor not being quite absurd enough. C'est la vie, I suppose. Not much to say here beyond that.
See >>Fenton regarding the ending. It comes out of nowhere, and a twist isn't really necessary.
The rest of it... is okay, although it does come off a bit as an AJ character bash. You'd think the Element of Honesty would be able to tell if someone was being honest. But that's where the ending twist comes in? But why didn't Twilight believe her?! And what was all that uncomfortable racism stuff?!?!
Feels like this piece is a little confused and trying to do too many things at once. Serious character work, comedy character work, monkeycheese comedy twist ending? Pick one, maybe two, but not all three. Technical stuff is sound, just work on tightening your concepts and having a clear plan for what you want to accomplish in a mini and you'll get there. Thanks for writing!
The rest of it... is okay, although it does come off a bit as an AJ character bash. You'd think the Element of Honesty would be able to tell if someone was being honest. But that's where the ending twist comes in? But why didn't Twilight believe her?! And what was all that uncomfortable racism stuff?!?!
Feels like this piece is a little confused and trying to do too many things at once. Serious character work, comedy character work, monkeycheese comedy twist ending? Pick one, maybe two, but not all three. Technical stuff is sound, just work on tightening your concepts and having a clear plan for what you want to accomplish in a mini and you'll get there. Thanks for writing!
...Oh, all right. Heh. Begrudgingly.
Though I think it's strange that this story has essentially the same twist as Totally Banned Derpy. The naysayer gets proven right as a sort of throwaway twist at the end of the story. Kinda hampers the comedic value of the rest of the story's body, doesn't it?
Also, what, exactly, happens to Pear Fritter at the end of the story? She's just kinda left up in the air. Is she a changeling? Is she Chrysalis?
Funny and cute, but mid-tier to me, atm.
Though I think it's strange that this story has essentially the same twist as Totally Banned Derpy. The naysayer gets proven right as a sort of throwaway twist at the end of the story. Kinda hampers the comedic value of the rest of the story's body, doesn't it?
Also, what, exactly, happens to Pear Fritter at the end of the story? She's just kinda left up in the air. Is she a changeling? Is she Chrysalis?
Funny and cute, but mid-tier to me, atm.
You write so well, and I can taste the fritters! The story, however, is... a bit underdone.
The joke itself is very silly and nonsensical. This is another case where your realism is amazing and intense, and then it's suddenly ruined by a punchline. In this case the 'I was right all along' trope isn't particularly punchy or amusing. It's especially difficult to swallow the ending given how Applejack is acting out of character toward somepony she would consider family in a heartbeat.
Why would Pear fritter bring tiny changelings to invade the farm if she's not a changeling herself? Since when do changelings eat apples? Why would Applejack care more about lording one over Twilight than saving her farm, when that's nearly the polar opposite of her character? Why didn't Applejack and Apple Bloom notice that they just ATE CHANGELINGS?!
None of it makes sense, and it's just too much. :ajunsure:
The joke itself is very silly and nonsensical. This is another case where your realism is amazing and intense, and then it's suddenly ruined by a punchline. In this case the 'I was right all along' trope isn't particularly punchy or amusing. It's especially difficult to swallow the ending given how Applejack is acting out of character toward somepony she would consider family in a heartbeat.
Why would Pear fritter bring tiny changelings to invade the farm if she's not a changeling herself? Since when do changelings eat apples? Why would Applejack care more about lording one over Twilight than saving her farm, when that's nearly the polar opposite of her character? Why didn't Applejack and Apple Bloom notice that they just ATE CHANGELINGS?!
None of it makes sense, and it's just too much. :ajunsure:
This is a singularly terrible pun (and a lame feghoot, which is the best kind of feghoot) but I don't think that the story really manages to carry its weight.