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"I can't sleep now, Spike. Somepony is wrong about something."
Lovely. Just, lovely.
Much as the story itself, I may add. You had some great stuff here. Interesting premise, fun execution. I loved the dialogue and all the character interactions.
And then you shot yourself on the foot by aborting the story and giving us a non-ending. That soured my mood in a hurry.
I hope you finish this sometime, author. I'll be sure to read it then.
I stopped my reading at the end of the first paragraph to nitpick a bit.
This is not enough to end your paragraph and hook your reader, this is too vague. Be more precised. The use of italic doesn't really help in this case, it's quite the contrary.
Okay, I now finished reading the story and I see that I don't agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa on the line I mentionned. I also disagree with the rest. What you have here feels heterogeneous. The tone of your story seems to switch from serious to absurd to comedy before ending on a joke.
Speaking of the 'joke' and the ending, I would rather see this announced in the beginning. The first paragraph would have been a great place to say something like 'in the previous episode, Twilight was looking for answers about...'
I also don't get the thing about the origami and what it adds to the story and/or the characters.
Sorry but this one didn't appeal to me. If this is meant to be the first episode of a serie you're gonna publish on FimFic, that's not a bad start, but as it is, it doesn't stand on its own for a Writeoff round. Still, thank you for sharing.
Somepony is wrong about something
This is not enough to end your paragraph and hook your reader, this is too vague. Be more precised. The use of italic doesn't really help in this case, it's quite the contrary.
Okay, I now finished reading the story and I see that I don't agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa on the line I mentionned. I also disagree with the rest. What you have here feels heterogeneous. The tone of your story seems to switch from serious to absurd to comedy before ending on a joke.
Speaking of the 'joke' and the ending, I would rather see this announced in the beginning. The first paragraph would have been a great place to say something like 'in the previous episode, Twilight was looking for answers about...'
I also don't get the thing about the origami and what it adds to the story and/or the characters.
Sorry but this one didn't appeal to me. If this is meant to be the first episode of a serie you're gonna publish on FimFic, that's not a bad start, but as it is, it doesn't stand on its own for a Writeoff round. Still, thank you for sharing.
Absolutely hilarious, with a lot of great detail packed into it; the ongoing origami motif culminating in the shuriken fight had me in stitches.
Then it just stops. On a video game pun, no less. Like, the author realized they were running out of space and was like "ah, shit, I'd better wrap this up... uh, somehow."
It's still funny enough to land high on my current slate, but I can't guarantee it'll stay there as I work my way through the other entries.
Then it just stops. On a video game pun, no less. Like, the author realized they were running out of space and was like "ah, shit, I'd better wrap this up... uh, somehow."
It's still funny enough to land high on my current slate, but I can't guarantee it'll stay there as I work my way through the other entries.
Mmm. I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, it does, technically, have an arc with Twilight getting huffy about explaining teleportation and reenacting the beginning of That Video Game. On the other hand, we never do learn why any of it happened, and most of the text is random comedy one-liners.
I think I'm going to have to be the jaded one again and say that the piece is lacking an overall comedic theme. Are we supposed to laugh at Twilight, or at the (very telegraphed if you know the game) ending, or what? What is the spring where all the jokes flow from and connect to?
It's also very ambitious to take on the full mane cast in a minific, and, well, this piece is a good illustration of why. Just not enough room to do an ensemble effectively along with an external conceit about teleportation and Celestia. Good effort, though, and I appreciate that you aimed high. Thanks for writing!
I think I'm going to have to be the jaded one again and say that the piece is lacking an overall comedic theme. Are we supposed to laugh at Twilight, or at the (very telegraphed if you know the game) ending, or what? What is the spring where all the jokes flow from and connect to?
It's also very ambitious to take on the full mane cast in a minific, and, well, this piece is a good illustration of why. Just not enough room to do an ensemble effectively along with an external conceit about teleportation and Celestia. Good effort, though, and I appreciate that you aimed high. Thanks for writing!
I... kinda feel several characters are a bit out of character here, which is technically a bit of an odd thing to complain about in comedies. But honestly, Rainbow Dash being bothered about Twilight getting in the way of random work? Not being interested in talking about the new Daring Do book (or not being bothered by spoilers?). Like, it is a little thing, but it legit took me out of the story.
Also other tiny nitpick: Twilight responds to Spike despite him never addressing her in the opening scene.
All that said, there is some definitely cute and funny stuff in here, but it doesn't really feel like it gels into a singular, complete story. Good voicing, though.
Also other tiny nitpick: Twilight responds to Spike despite him never addressing her in the opening scene.
All that said, there is some definitely cute and funny stuff in here, but it doesn't really feel like it gels into a singular, complete story. Good voicing, though.
This is cute, on-character for the most part (not sure about AJ) and written well.
And yay, it's another story based on the story that was probably based on the story I fucked up! I don't hate these at all. :ajbemused: Certainly no resentment here, years later. No sirree. No chewing of my own flesh going on as I write this.
I don't have much to suggest, but the ending feels non-sequitur so I'm not sure there's a cohesive story arc. It may be that there's a Chrono Trigger reference I'm not getting, though...?
And yay, it's another story based on the story that was probably based on the story I fucked up! I don't hate these at all. :ajbemused: Certainly no resentment here, years later. No sirree. No chewing of my own flesh going on as I write this.
I don't have much to suggest, but the ending feels non-sequitur so I'm not sure there's a cohesive story arc. It may be that there's a Chrono Trigger reference I'm not getting, though...?
>>Trick_Question
Chrono Trigger (the video game) starts out with someone being teleported across an area, but their magic amulet interferes with it and they get tossed back through time, requiring the protagonist to follow them.
So I'm pretty sure that's just what is going on here.
Overall, this story just feels scattered. I'm not sure what the Chrono Trigger reference adds to any of this; it just feels kind of all over the place, and wacky for the sake of being wacky.
Chrono Trigger (the video game) starts out with someone being teleported across an area, but their magic amulet interferes with it and they get tossed back through time, requiring the protagonist to follow them.
So I'm pretty sure that's just what is going on here.
Overall, this story just feels scattered. I'm not sure what the Chrono Trigger reference adds to any of this; it just feels kind of all over the place, and wacky for the sake of being wacky.