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The Bad Dreams
Tell me, what did you see?
The fog grew thicker as Princess Luna waded through it. Denser one moment—as if to stubbornly deny her crossing—only to relent and fade away an instant later until she saw the scene before her.
Oblivious to the encroaching fog and the alicorn watching from within it, stood a lone pegasus mare.
She seemed unexceptional. No taller than average. A slender frame and well kept coat. A musical note for a cutie mark. All traits which you wouldn’t make you look twice if you passed by her. However, in her Luna recognised something odd, something wrong, something that made her stand out.
From the shadows, she looked into the mare’s vacant eyes as a spark of fear ignited in them.
I can’t… I mean, I’m not…
What can you remember?
She blinked once, twice, and shook her head as if pulled from a trance. Afterwards, the fog receded to show a small, dilapidated room. The only light came from the moon outside leaving the rest of the room bathed in darkness.
She looked around, regarding the room with curiosity. When she moved, so did the fog, clearing any spot she directed her attention, and rushing to fill every void that left her sight. No matter where she looked, the moonlight always followed her.
I’m… home, I think.
You think?
Her eyes finally settled on a wall, the light coming from the window had shifted enough to illuminate it.
There was a door.
She stood in front of it. Looking at it as though she had finally found something for which she had been restlessly searching and yet made no effort to move towards it.
After seconds, or minutes, or hours of waiting, she opened her mouth, though no sound came. Her hooves shifted as if restless, yet she gave no step. Her wings shook and ruffled, as those of a bird ready to take off, but she forced them back to her sides.
Did you open it?
I tried.
The mare took a trembling first step towards the door, only to slip. She was taken aback for a second, and tore her gaze away from the door for the first time since finding it.
Luna had to squint, but she believed it to be a photograph. The mare looked at it, past it, as if trying to recognise those depicted in it. After a silent moment, she looked back at the door and threw the picture away. As the fog advanced to engulf it, Luna pulled it towards her, making sure not to be seen.
It was a picture of a group of smiling ponies amongst whom was the pegasus mare.
The doorknob rattled.
I wanted to.
Her breath became heavier as she walked forward and her eyes widened as though spellbound by the sight of the door. This time, her steps were decisive. So much, in fact, that they trampled over a stack of magazines, which tumbled upon the floor without regard to the oblivious mare.
Luna saw the mare in an elegant dress staring back from cover.
I had to.
She was galloping, every step full of force. Her eyes were so wide her eyelashes disappeared into her eyebrows, her mouth was hanging open in a way reminiscent of a fish gasping for water. She didn’t think about it twice as she threw aside a large metal case which blocked her path to the door.
Princess Luna suppressed a grimace at the sound of torn strings and cracked wood.
The mare was running to the door with frenzied eyes, leaping into the air for the final stretch as the door itself started to shake.
But then…
Princess Luna lit up her horn.
“Then you wake up.” His tone was inquisitive, but calm.
“Yes,” she said with a defeated tone. “What do you think it means, doctor?”
The doctor leaned back on his chair, regarding his notes. “Stress, most likely. You feel swamped by your work and are looking for an escape.”
She smiled. “This tour has been pretty hectic, I admit…”
“There you go, Miss Symphony. Just make sure to rest properly, and maybe schedule a vacation after your concerts. However, if the dreams persist, do return, I’ll be happy to treat you.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
“My pleasure.”
In the darkness, withdrawn from reality, Princess Luna extinguished the nightmare from the dreamscape. Sparing no more than a sigh for the creature, she called forth her magic and moved on to the next dream.
The fog grew thicker as Princess Luna waded through it. Denser one moment—as if to stubbornly deny her crossing—only to relent and fade away an instant later until she saw the scene before her.
Oblivious to the encroaching fog and the alicorn watching from within it, stood a lone pegasus mare.
She seemed unexceptional. No taller than average. A slender frame and well kept coat. A musical note for a cutie mark. All traits which you wouldn’t make you look twice if you passed by her. However, in her Luna recognised something odd, something wrong, something that made her stand out.
From the shadows, she looked into the mare’s vacant eyes as a spark of fear ignited in them.
I can’t… I mean, I’m not…
What can you remember?
She blinked once, twice, and shook her head as if pulled from a trance. Afterwards, the fog receded to show a small, dilapidated room. The only light came from the moon outside leaving the rest of the room bathed in darkness.
She looked around, regarding the room with curiosity. When she moved, so did the fog, clearing any spot she directed her attention, and rushing to fill every void that left her sight. No matter where she looked, the moonlight always followed her.
I’m… home, I think.
You think?
Her eyes finally settled on a wall, the light coming from the window had shifted enough to illuminate it.
There was a door.
She stood in front of it. Looking at it as though she had finally found something for which she had been restlessly searching and yet made no effort to move towards it.
After seconds, or minutes, or hours of waiting, she opened her mouth, though no sound came. Her hooves shifted as if restless, yet she gave no step. Her wings shook and ruffled, as those of a bird ready to take off, but she forced them back to her sides.
Did you open it?
I tried.
The mare took a trembling first step towards the door, only to slip. She was taken aback for a second, and tore her gaze away from the door for the first time since finding it.
Luna had to squint, but she believed it to be a photograph. The mare looked at it, past it, as if trying to recognise those depicted in it. After a silent moment, she looked back at the door and threw the picture away. As the fog advanced to engulf it, Luna pulled it towards her, making sure not to be seen.
It was a picture of a group of smiling ponies amongst whom was the pegasus mare.
The doorknob rattled.
I wanted to.
Her breath became heavier as she walked forward and her eyes widened as though spellbound by the sight of the door. This time, her steps were decisive. So much, in fact, that they trampled over a stack of magazines, which tumbled upon the floor without regard to the oblivious mare.
Luna saw the mare in an elegant dress staring back from cover.
I had to.
She was galloping, every step full of force. Her eyes were so wide her eyelashes disappeared into her eyebrows, her mouth was hanging open in a way reminiscent of a fish gasping for water. She didn’t think about it twice as she threw aside a large metal case which blocked her path to the door.
Princess Luna suppressed a grimace at the sound of torn strings and cracked wood.
The mare was running to the door with frenzied eyes, leaping into the air for the final stretch as the door itself started to shake.
But then…
Princess Luna lit up her horn.
“Then you wake up.” His tone was inquisitive, but calm.
“Yes,” she said with a defeated tone. “What do you think it means, doctor?”
The doctor leaned back on his chair, regarding his notes. “Stress, most likely. You feel swamped by your work and are looking for an escape.”
She smiled. “This tour has been pretty hectic, I admit…”
“There you go, Miss Symphony. Just make sure to rest properly, and maybe schedule a vacation after your concerts. However, if the dreams persist, do return, I’ll be happy to treat you.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
“My pleasure.”
In the darkness, withdrawn from reality, Princess Luna extinguished the nightmare from the dreamscape. Sparing no more than a sigh for the creature, she called forth her magic and moved on to the next dream.
I... Don't really get it.
It's a good enough story to read, but after having read it I'm left with way more questions than answers, and it's rather unsatisfying. Why did Luna end the dream before the mare could figure out what was behind the door? What was up with the photograph and magazines? Is "the creature" in the last line talking about what was behind the door, and if so, what even was behind the door? If this was supposed to be a mystery, I feel like you've kept too many of the pieces of this puzzle hidden for me to even see that there's a cohesive picture to begin with.
In the end, it seems like a character piece where I don't know the characters or the context. I'm instead left grasping some straws and wondering why they matter.
It's a good enough story to read, but after having read it I'm left with way more questions than answers, and it's rather unsatisfying. Why did Luna end the dream before the mare could figure out what was behind the door? What was up with the photograph and magazines? Is "the creature" in the last line talking about what was behind the door, and if so, what even was behind the door? If this was supposed to be a mystery, I feel like you've kept too many of the pieces of this puzzle hidden for me to even see that there's a cohesive picture to begin with.
In the end, it seems like a character piece where I don't know the characters or the context. I'm instead left grasping some straws and wondering why they matter.
This story gives me the impression of being an attempt to boil down a character piece to its essential components, playing with negative space and leaving the reader to fill the void surrounding the ingredients they are served. It kinda reminds me of a deconstructed dish.
I don't think it fully succeeds, but it is an interesting experiment.
I have no comments on the technical side. The prose is evocative if segmented, something that helps to establish the dream logic. The symbols are clear but not much on the nose, which means you used the right amount of subtlety for a minific, IMHO.
While it is well written, the two storylines here, the mundane and the magical approach to the problem, don't reach their full potential mainly because we lack some binding passages. We have only a partial vision of what is happening (akin to the mist that seems to hinder Luna), but we can get the gist. Lacking the investment in the character, which I admit is difficult to achieve in 750 words, the conclusion feels lackluster. Luna's "brute force" approach doesn't help much too.
Using an established character could, maybe, have helped in making us empathize faster.
Solid entry but lacking some ineffable quality.
Thank you for having written it, though, it has been a pleasant read.
I don't think it fully succeeds, but it is an interesting experiment.
I have no comments on the technical side. The prose is evocative if segmented, something that helps to establish the dream logic. The symbols are clear but not much on the nose, which means you used the right amount of subtlety for a minific, IMHO.
While it is well written, the two storylines here, the mundane and the magical approach to the problem, don't reach their full potential mainly because we lack some binding passages. We have only a partial vision of what is happening (akin to the mist that seems to hinder Luna), but we can get the gist. Lacking the investment in the character, which I admit is difficult to achieve in 750 words, the conclusion feels lackluster. Luna's "brute force" approach doesn't help much too.
Using an established character could, maybe, have helped in making us empathize faster.
Solid entry but lacking some ineffable quality.
Thank you for having written it, though, it has been a pleasant read.
Hmm. So Luna's stepping in and stopping the nightmare before it gets into full swing, but that's keeping the mare (whoever she is) from really understanding and confronting her fears, which stops her from growing past it?
...or maybe not. As said above, this is pretty vague about the conclusion.
Before getting to the doctor scene, I thought the mare was actually talking to Luna. That was a bit confusing, so I'd suggest setting the scene before that, somehow, so it's less whiplash-y.
Other than that, I'd very much like to know what was supposed to be waiting on the other side of the door, so I could draw more/better conclusions on what the narrative arc is supposed to mean here. Was it her family? the photo and throwing aside her instrument suggests she's left something important behind.
Well, other than that, I do feel Luna's acting a bit out of character here; we've never seen her simply snuff a nightmare before, she always seems to talk to the ponies and help them work through their fears. I guess that doesn't mean she doesn't simply snuff some, but maybe only ones that have no deeper meaning; and the presence of the doctor suggest that there is more to this, somehow.
Moreover, this 'nightmare' isn't actually scary. I realize that's not necessarily a thing nightmares need; I've had some ridiculous dreams that were terrifying at the time, but left me totally confused on waking. (Why was a toilet chasing me?) Still, I'd like some idea of what she's actually scared of, here. I feel like it shouldn't be what's behind the door, if she's trying to open it... or maybe it is, I dunno.
I feel like what this is missing is some sort of split element; the dream has a good amount of what's going on in it, but the bit with the doctor doesn't seem to be pulling it's weight. Maybe if there was information there, that Luna didn't have, which clued us in to what was going on, you could preserve the actions of the characters but still deliver a stronger conclusion to the audience?
Well, I had to read this twice before I had a good idea of what was going on, but it was intriguing enough it didn't feel like too much of a chore. I think there's something interesting here, even if it is a bit too buried for me to extract. Maybe someone else will do better? Thanks for writing.
...or maybe not. As said above, this is pretty vague about the conclusion.
Before getting to the doctor scene, I thought the mare was actually talking to Luna. That was a bit confusing, so I'd suggest setting the scene before that, somehow, so it's less whiplash-y.
Other than that, I'd very much like to know what was supposed to be waiting on the other side of the door, so I could draw more/better conclusions on what the narrative arc is supposed to mean here. Was it her family? the photo and throwing aside her instrument suggests she's left something important behind.
Well, other than that, I do feel Luna's acting a bit out of character here; we've never seen her simply snuff a nightmare before, she always seems to talk to the ponies and help them work through their fears. I guess that doesn't mean she doesn't simply snuff some, but maybe only ones that have no deeper meaning; and the presence of the doctor suggest that there is more to this, somehow.
Moreover, this 'nightmare' isn't actually scary. I realize that's not necessarily a thing nightmares need; I've had some ridiculous dreams that were terrifying at the time, but left me totally confused on waking. (Why was a toilet chasing me?) Still, I'd like some idea of what she's actually scared of, here. I feel like it shouldn't be what's behind the door, if she's trying to open it... or maybe it is, I dunno.
I feel like what this is missing is some sort of split element; the dream has a good amount of what's going on in it, but the bit with the doctor doesn't seem to be pulling it's weight. Maybe if there was information there, that Luna didn't have, which clued us in to what was going on, you could preserve the actions of the characters but still deliver a stronger conclusion to the audience?
Well, I had to read this twice before I had a good idea of what was going on, but it was intriguing enough it didn't feel like too much of a chore. I think there's something interesting here, even if it is a bit too buried for me to extract. Maybe someone else will do better? Thanks for writing.
This is perfect except I'm not 100% on what happened.
I think either the guitar had an animal inside it, or the sound of the guitar represented the death of the animal, but then I don't know why she was running for the door.
Is this supposed to indicate Luna and the doctor at odds? Is that the theme? Luna wouldn't hide the truth unless it was necessary, so... I'm just lost. I am not smart today. Help.
I think either the guitar had an animal inside it, or the sound of the guitar represented the death of the animal, but then I don't know why she was running for the door.
Is this supposed to indicate Luna and the doctor at odds? Is that the theme? Luna wouldn't hide the truth unless it was necessary, so... I'm just lost. I am not smart today. Help.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I don't think the mist hinders Luna, I think it represents the mare's limited mental capacity to remember everything at once.
I don't think the mist hinders Luna, I think it represents the mare's limited mental capacity to remember everything at once.
>>Trick_Question
I intended the limited as "shows us only a very specific detail". Luna has to work around the shifting focus to see the picture.
I also think that Luna and the doctor were treating different aspects of the problem. One the mundane cause, the other what could be a parasitic infestation.
I intended the limited as "shows us only a very specific detail". Luna has to work around the shifting focus to see the picture.
I also think that Luna and the doctor were treating different aspects of the problem. One the mundane cause, the other what could be a parasitic infestation.
>>Orbiting_kettle
Parasitic infestation?! :pinkiegasp: The doctor is performing talk therapy and says the problem is likely 'stress'... is there something I'm missing?
Parasitic infestation?! :pinkiegasp: The doctor is performing talk therapy and says the problem is likely 'stress'... is there something I'm missing?
>>Trick_Question
Well, it ends with
Which sounds as something worse than simply a bad dream. I filled a lot of void here with daring deductions, but it's possible that the creature latched onto the dream manifestation of stress.
Well, it ends with
In the darkness, withdrawn from reality, Princess Luna extinguished the nightmare from the dreamscape. Sparing no more than a sigh for the creature, she called forth her magic and moved on to the next dream.
Which sounds as something worse than simply a bad dream. I filled a lot of void here with daring deductions, but it's possible that the creature latched onto the dream manifestation of stress.
>>Orbiting_kettle
That's why I thought a pet died. I mean, why would Luna feel bad about the misfortunes of an infectious parasite?
Let's both agree this story is wat.
That's why I thought a pet died. I mean, why would Luna feel bad about the misfortunes of an infectious parasite?
Let's both agree this story is wat.
>>Trick_Question
I interpreted the sigh as something related to the drudgery of the work she is doing.
I interpreted the sigh as something related to the drudgery of the work she is doing.
I was following along with this piece avidly for most of its length, finding it an enjoyable abstract-atmosphere-action ride. Not too many people attempt those in Writeoff, and the ones that do rarely succeed and are usually too vague or don't tell a coherent story. This one was right in the sweet spot, perhaps a bit basic on the prose, but hitting all the right notes...
... and then it was a setup for some swerve into the real world, and then a double twist about something vague and hard to parse that I literally don't have time to figure out because I'm trying to get this review in before the cut to finals.
Shucks! Darn! Shoulda just stuck with the dreamscape adventure, it was great! The ending takes that whole adventure we just sat through and shoves it into the realm of the mundane, and then tops it off with a depressing stinger. Just the opposite of what I was wanting. Not very satisfying, either to my personal taste, or to my writing taste. "Everything you just read didn't really matter" is very rarely a pleasant final surprise.
You have a talent for writing abstract dream adventure, even though it probably wasn't even the main thing you were aiming for with the piece. Recognize that strength and concentrate on it and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!
... and then it was a setup for some swerve into the real world, and then a double twist about something vague and hard to parse that I literally don't have time to figure out because I'm trying to get this review in before the cut to finals.
Shucks! Darn! Shoulda just stuck with the dreamscape adventure, it was great! The ending takes that whole adventure we just sat through and shoves it into the realm of the mundane, and then tops it off with a depressing stinger. Just the opposite of what I was wanting. Not very satisfying, either to my personal taste, or to my writing taste. "Everything you just read didn't really matter" is very rarely a pleasant final surprise.
You have a talent for writing abstract dream adventure, even though it probably wasn't even the main thing you were aiming for with the piece. Recognize that strength and concentrate on it and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!
Lightning Review: At once both vivid and vague, this evokes a dreamlike quality of obscurity alongside its narrative, but it doesn't coalesce for me.
Tier: Needs Work
Tier: Needs Work
We're not really given enough context to get there, and I'm not sure what the point of the psychotherapy session at the end was in the greater context of the piece, save perhaps to show "Luna is fighting nightmares while these shrinks say random crap about dreams they don't understand."
I feel like this needed to be clearer about what was actually going on, and the psychiatrist scene doesn't really seem to add anything to the piece.
I feel like this needed to be clearer about what was actually going on, and the psychiatrist scene doesn't really seem to add anything to the piece.
Quite solid prose, but in the end I think the story pulls itself in two contradictory directions that don't necessarily play nice together. Basically, the collision of the Luna stuff and the shrink stuff leaves me a bit... unsure of what actually happened? I'm really not sure how those two segments mesh together, especially given Luna has generally been shown to interact directly with the ponies in the dreamscape.