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Twilight Sparkle and the Spelling Bee (A Slice of Life Tail)
The Bee had ripped through the picnic like a hunting knife through the soft stomach of a fawn. Pristine checkered blankets were now stained with gore and viscera.
Twilight wandered through the fields of carnage in a daze. On all sides lay ponies with their lives sliced right in half. Some with their tails sliced too.
"Oh, I am a fool," Twilight sighed, ruefully. "I never should have raided that hive. What a disaster my lust for honeyed consonants has brought!" She felt hot tears come to her eyes. "Now all of my friends are dead. And also Spike."
"I'm still alive!" a voice voiced from her side.
"Oh, good," she stated, happily.
Spike climbed up on top of Twilight, as he was tired of his feet getting stuck in the mud that had been churned up from all the blood. "At least Pinkie Pie died doing what she loved."
Twilight paused, momentarily. "You mean singing a song about cupcakes? Or being stabbed in the larynx by a sixteen-inch stinger?"
"The former." Spike shuddered, horrifiedly. "Though I'm going to have nightmares about the sound she made when her neck exploded."
Above them, the Wonderbolts had arrived to do battle with the Bee. Explosions and furious buzzing rung out over the killing fields.
"If we survive long enough to process the trauma of the past hour, I'll make certain you have a good therapist."
Spike gasped and pointed into the distance, declaratively. "Applejack is still alive!"
Twilight rushed over. The Bee above them had grabbed hold of Spitfire and ripped her in half, sending a shower of blood raining down. Twilight's horn lit up as she made an umbrella for her and Spike and Applejack.
"Applejack!" she yelled, concernedly. "Are you okay?"
Applejack groaned. A gash on her barrel showed that she had been stung pretty badly. "Twi… I… I…"
"Oh no, the poison must already be spreading," Spike cried out, analytically. "Letter have some air!"
"Twilight, I just want you to know that I… I love…"
Twilight's heart leapt to her throat as a blush spread across her face.
"Apples," Applejack whispered, quietly.
Twilight turned to leave.
"Oh no I'm… D-E-D"
"What?" Twilight spun around, revolutionarily. "What did you say?"
"I…" Applejack coughed, pitifully. "M. D-E-D."
"Spike, you're right, the spelling poison must have kicked in. But what is she saying?"
"I think she's saying…"
"Is this a clue for how to defeat the bee? Dedicated? Deductive? Spike, go get my dictionary, at once!"
"No, she's…"
"Aaaargh," Applejack died, dyingly.
Twilight frowned, annoyedly. "Oh well. Maybe we can get Princess Celestia to help."
Spike gasped, out-of-breathedly. "I'll send her a letter! I haven't gotten to do that in forever anyways. I'll just—"
The bee stabbed him through the abdomen and flew off, his stubby little dragon arms still wiggling as the rigor mortis set in.
"Darn," Twilight groused, grousingly. "Maybe I should have thought of that like an hour ago."
Twilight wandered through the fields of carnage in a daze. On all sides lay ponies with their lives sliced right in half. Some with their tails sliced too.
"Oh, I am a fool," Twilight sighed, ruefully. "I never should have raided that hive. What a disaster my lust for honeyed consonants has brought!" She felt hot tears come to her eyes. "Now all of my friends are dead. And also Spike."
"I'm still alive!" a voice voiced from her side.
"Oh, good," she stated, happily.
Spike climbed up on top of Twilight, as he was tired of his feet getting stuck in the mud that had been churned up from all the blood. "At least Pinkie Pie died doing what she loved."
Twilight paused, momentarily. "You mean singing a song about cupcakes? Or being stabbed in the larynx by a sixteen-inch stinger?"
"The former." Spike shuddered, horrifiedly. "Though I'm going to have nightmares about the sound she made when her neck exploded."
Above them, the Wonderbolts had arrived to do battle with the Bee. Explosions and furious buzzing rung out over the killing fields.
"If we survive long enough to process the trauma of the past hour, I'll make certain you have a good therapist."
Spike gasped and pointed into the distance, declaratively. "Applejack is still alive!"
Twilight rushed over. The Bee above them had grabbed hold of Spitfire and ripped her in half, sending a shower of blood raining down. Twilight's horn lit up as she made an umbrella for her and Spike and Applejack.
"Applejack!" she yelled, concernedly. "Are you okay?"
Applejack groaned. A gash on her barrel showed that she had been stung pretty badly. "Twi… I… I…"
"Oh no, the poison must already be spreading," Spike cried out, analytically. "Letter have some air!"
"Twilight, I just want you to know that I… I love…"
Twilight's heart leapt to her throat as a blush spread across her face.
"Apples," Applejack whispered, quietly.
Twilight turned to leave.
"Oh no I'm… D-E-D"
"What?" Twilight spun around, revolutionarily. "What did you say?"
"I…" Applejack coughed, pitifully. "M. D-E-D."
"Spike, you're right, the spelling poison must have kicked in. But what is she saying?"
"I think she's saying…"
"Is this a clue for how to defeat the bee? Dedicated? Deductive? Spike, go get my dictionary, at once!"
"No, she's…"
"Aaaargh," Applejack died, dyingly.
Twilight frowned, annoyedly. "Oh well. Maybe we can get Princess Celestia to help."
Spike gasped, out-of-breathedly. "I'll send her a letter! I haven't gotten to do that in forever anyways. I'll just—"
The bee stabbed him through the abdomen and flew off, his stubby little dragon arms still wiggling as the rigor mortis set in.
"Darn," Twilight groused, grousingly. "Maybe I should have thought of that like an hour ago."
I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
This feels like this is trying to be a comedy. However, I didn't really find myself laughing? The overblown tone of the whole thing, the spelling bee being a actual bee, the spelling poison, Twilight not remembering to write a letter, all of these are ridiculous ideas that could have been turned into jokes, but don't ever seem to really crystallize into something like a punch line.
In the end, I'm not really sure what to make of this piece. I feel like it's trying to be something, but I'm not really sure if it's missing the point or if I am.
This feels like this is trying to be a comedy. However, I didn't really find myself laughing? The overblown tone of the whole thing, the spelling bee being a actual bee, the spelling poison, Twilight not remembering to write a letter, all of these are ridiculous ideas that could have been turned into jokes, but don't ever seem to really crystallize into something like a punch line.
In the end, I'm not really sure what to make of this piece. I feel like it's trying to be something, but I'm not really sure if it's missing the point or if I am.
Ef-i-en-a-el-el-wye a-en a tee-ar-u-e tee-ar-o-el-el e-en-tee-ar-wye. I double u-a-ess ess-tee-a-ar-tee-i-en-gee tee-o bee-e-el-i-e-vee-e I double u-o-u-el-dee-en-apostrophe-tee gee-e-tee tee-o ar-e-a-dee o-en-e.
Double u-aitch-a-t cee-a-en I ess-a-wye? A-tee el-e-a-ess-tee wye-o-u gee-o-tee a cee-aitch-u-cee-kay-el-e o-u-t o-efem-e.
I ar-a-tee-e i-tee a-pee-pee-el-e o-u-tee o-ef bee-e-e.
Double u-aitch-a-t cee-a-en I ess-a-wye? A-tee el-e-a-ess-tee wye-o-u gee-o-tee a cee-aitch-u-cee-kay-el-e o-u-t o-efem-e.
I ar-a-tee-e i-tee a-pee-pee-el-e o-u-tee o-ef bee-e-e.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Reading comment this gave me more of a headache than reading this story did.
I'm going to agree with Hat, this feels like it tries to be too many jokes at once without solidifying any one joke enough to have real punch. I also think you focused on the gruesome nature of the event a bit too much for this to feel like a true comedy. Maybe if you'd described it in less harsh, gorey ways it could've been funnier, but it instead struck a semi-uncomfortable middle-ground.
Reading comment this gave me more of a headache than reading this story did.
I'm going to agree with Hat, this feels like it tries to be too many jokes at once without solidifying any one joke enough to have real punch. I also think you focused on the gruesome nature of the event a bit too much for this to feel like a true comedy. Maybe if you'd described it in less harsh, gorey ways it could've been funnier, but it instead struck a semi-uncomfortable middle-ground.
Genre: Shock comedy
Thoughts: I laughed! I genuinely laughed. It took a while for me to follow the swerve into horrifyingly violent absurdity, but once I got there, I giggled the rest of the way.
The opening paragraph deserves special mention. It's a great moment of something metaphorical doing a surprise reveal as something (basically) literal. It's surprising and unsettling, but fortunately Twilight's friend joke follows with excellent comic timing to help us get our bearings. That's a strong, risky, but ultimately well-executed bit of comedy that hits harder by tipping the audience off-balance first.
From there, it's the ridiculous adverbs that really make this. Well, that and the moment with Applejack's true confession. :rainbowlaugh: If anything is off, IMO it's the lack of screen time for the poison and its effects; what we get is just a taste of the hilarity that seems like it could be mined from that. Also I guess the last line is less than fully satisfying from a plot perspective, although it's basically consistent with the overall comedic tone of OTT massive-incompetence in the characters.
I think this just needs more word count to let things fully breathe, but unlike other situations where I've said that about minifics, I actually feel pretty satisfied with what's on offer here as-is.
I see I'm deviating from the consensus of my fellow reviewers. Alas.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I laughed! I genuinely laughed. It took a while for me to follow the swerve into horrifyingly violent absurdity, but once I got there, I giggled the rest of the way.
The opening paragraph deserves special mention. It's a great moment of something metaphorical doing a surprise reveal as something (basically) literal. It's surprising and unsettling, but fortunately Twilight's friend joke follows with excellent comic timing to help us get our bearings. That's a strong, risky, but ultimately well-executed bit of comedy that hits harder by tipping the audience off-balance first.
From there, it's the ridiculous adverbs that really make this. Well, that and the moment with Applejack's true confession. :rainbowlaugh: If anything is off, IMO it's the lack of screen time for the poison and its effects; what we get is just a taste of the hilarity that seems like it could be mined from that. Also I guess the last line is less than fully satisfying from a plot perspective, although it's basically consistent with the overall comedic tone of OTT massive-incompetence in the characters.
I think this just needs more word count to let things fully breathe, but unlike other situations where I've said that about minifics, I actually feel pretty satisfied with what's on offer here as-is.
I see I'm deviating from the consensus of my fellow reviewers. Alas.
Tier: Strong
It's difficult for me to review this. It's silly, but too dark for me. I deal with the darkness that isn't the gory kind, or at least not the death kind. Unless it's like death of time-clones or OC characters or something. (I'm more into the Hopeful category of dark... it's just that what I consider Hopeful, many, many people consider absolutely horrifying.)
So, I dunno? I think the silliness did not mesh well with the carnage, as you're toggling between realistic descriptions and ridiculous off-character behavior by Twi. This probably just isn't my cup of T.
:trollestia:
So, I dunno? I think the silliness did not mesh well with the carnage, as you're toggling between realistic descriptions and ridiculous off-character behavior by Twi. This probably just isn't my cup of T.
:trollestia:
>>Not_A_Hat
Same. The actions are ridiculous, but their presentation is so dry and lacking in theme that I could never get interested. I hate to just totally stoneface this without being able to provide much constructive advice, but all I can really say is comedy is hard and you should keep practicing. Thanks for writing!
Same. The actions are ridiculous, but their presentation is so dry and lacking in theme that I could never get interested. I hate to just totally stoneface this without being able to provide much constructive advice, but all I can really say is comedy is hard and you should keep practicing. Thanks for writing!