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Totally Banned Derpy
I knew something was wrong the moment I entered the living room.
For one thing, Carrot Top was home early. By itself, this wasn't weird—she would often return home around Special Derpy Muffin Time to thwart my latest attempt to locate hidden muffins inside our refrigerator. It doesn't appear that there are any muffins in our refrigerator, but Carrot isn't smart enough to realize the muffins could be invisible.
It wasn't just her, though. There were others: the Doctor was here, and Lyra Heartstrings, and Bon Bon (I've always thought she was hiding something). Plus there was that pony whose name I keep forgetting, and she had her crown on which meant this was probably important. There were six chairs arranged in a circle, and all my friends were sitting Lyra-style in them.
I didn't like this at all. Circles always spell trouble.
"Hay Derpy," said Carrot Top, with a smile on her face. That was weird too. It was more common for her to make a scrunchface with one hoof in front so you couldn't see the scrunch very well (which kind of defeats the purpose of scrunch).
"Could you take a seat?" asked the Doctor. The empty seat was obviously for me. I carefully checked it for invisible muffins before sitting down.
"I'm scared and confused," I said, which was normal. "Why are we playing musical chairs with no music?"
"Derpy, this is an intervention," said the pony whose name I can't remember. "We need to talk with you."
I frowned. "Please tell me you're not here to stop me from finding invisible muffins," I said. "I know they're out there! Sometimes I can smell them."
Everypony made confused-looking faces, except Carrot Top who made the face that makes her look old and tired.
"It's not that kind of intervention," Carrot Top said. "That one's scheduled for tomorrow. Today, we're here to talk to you about being secret rabbit toy factories."
"What?" I said.
"We're secret rabbit toy factories, Derpy," said the crown-pony.
"Oh. You secretly make rabbit toys?" I asked.
The Doctor shook his head. "No, Derpy. We are toy factories. We're staffed and run by rabbits. Secretly."
"Although the toys we make are rabbit toys, so you're technically right," said Lyra.
Bon Bon nodded. "Let me how you." She reached down and pulled open the fur from her stomach. Out peeked the head and arm of a bunny. He held a wicker ball, then smiled and retreated back into Bon Bon's body.
"Isn't this just a 'coming out' thing?" I asked. "I never knew you were all secret rabbit toy factories."
"No, it's an intervention," said Carrot Top. "Your whole 'not being a secret rabbit toy factory' thing has gone on for too long, Derpy. We want you be sensible and start being a secret rabbit toy factory like the rest of your friends."
I thought carefully about the offer, for maybe ten minutes.
"No," I finally said.
"Well, at the very least you have to keep it a secret," said the Doctor. "Otherwise we can't be secret rabbit toy factories anymore. We'd just be rabbit toy factories, which isn't very considerate."
I stood up and magically transformed into Super Derpy. "Peanuts are good for your digestive system!" I shouted, realizing my catch phrase could use some work. Then all Tartarus broke loose—
"You see? This is why we're having an intervention, Derpy," said Carrot Top, after reading the paper aloud. "You have to stop writing fanfiction. Like, right now."
"But that fanfic isn't finished," said Derpy Hooves. "It probably gets a lot better."
"This isn't fanfiction, Derpy!" said Lyra. "These aren't fictional characters you're writing about. You're writing bizarre, creepy stories about your friends and leaving them around where anypony can see them! We're real ponies, not toy factories—"
"Secret rabbit toy factories," Derpy corrected.
The Doctor reached out and gently lay a hoof on Derpy's shoulder. "Derpy, why don't we spend some time together trying to find another creative outlet for you? Maybe painting?" he offered. "You can put practically anything on a canvas and somepony will think it's art."
Derpy pouted. "You can't stifle my genius!" she said, then stormed out of the house.
Princess Twilight Sparkle sighed. "I'm sorry, everypony. That could have gone better. Maybe we shouldn't have been so direct."
Bon Bon narrowed her eyes. "Well, we still have a major problem to deal with," she said. A lump wiggled within her neck, controlling her vocal speakers.
"She knows."
For one thing, Carrot Top was home early. By itself, this wasn't weird—she would often return home around Special Derpy Muffin Time to thwart my latest attempt to locate hidden muffins inside our refrigerator. It doesn't appear that there are any muffins in our refrigerator, but Carrot isn't smart enough to realize the muffins could be invisible.
It wasn't just her, though. There were others: the Doctor was here, and Lyra Heartstrings, and Bon Bon (I've always thought she was hiding something). Plus there was that pony whose name I keep forgetting, and she had her crown on which meant this was probably important. There were six chairs arranged in a circle, and all my friends were sitting Lyra-style in them.
I didn't like this at all. Circles always spell trouble.
"Hay Derpy," said Carrot Top, with a smile on her face. That was weird too. It was more common for her to make a scrunchface with one hoof in front so you couldn't see the scrunch very well (which kind of defeats the purpose of scrunch).
"Could you take a seat?" asked the Doctor. The empty seat was obviously for me. I carefully checked it for invisible muffins before sitting down.
"I'm scared and confused," I said, which was normal. "Why are we playing musical chairs with no music?"
"Derpy, this is an intervention," said the pony whose name I can't remember. "We need to talk with you."
I frowned. "Please tell me you're not here to stop me from finding invisible muffins," I said. "I know they're out there! Sometimes I can smell them."
Everypony made confused-looking faces, except Carrot Top who made the face that makes her look old and tired.
"It's not that kind of intervention," Carrot Top said. "That one's scheduled for tomorrow. Today, we're here to talk to you about being secret rabbit toy factories."
"What?" I said.
"We're secret rabbit toy factories, Derpy," said the crown-pony.
"Oh. You secretly make rabbit toys?" I asked.
The Doctor shook his head. "No, Derpy. We are toy factories. We're staffed and run by rabbits. Secretly."
"Although the toys we make are rabbit toys, so you're technically right," said Lyra.
Bon Bon nodded. "Let me how you." She reached down and pulled open the fur from her stomach. Out peeked the head and arm of a bunny. He held a wicker ball, then smiled and retreated back into Bon Bon's body.
"Isn't this just a 'coming out' thing?" I asked. "I never knew you were all secret rabbit toy factories."
"No, it's an intervention," said Carrot Top. "Your whole 'not being a secret rabbit toy factory' thing has gone on for too long, Derpy. We want you be sensible and start being a secret rabbit toy factory like the rest of your friends."
I thought carefully about the offer, for maybe ten minutes.
"No," I finally said.
"Well, at the very least you have to keep it a secret," said the Doctor. "Otherwise we can't be secret rabbit toy factories anymore. We'd just be rabbit toy factories, which isn't very considerate."
I stood up and magically transformed into Super Derpy. "Peanuts are good for your digestive system!" I shouted, realizing my catch phrase could use some work. Then all Tartarus broke loose—
"You see? This is why we're having an intervention, Derpy," said Carrot Top, after reading the paper aloud. "You have to stop writing fanfiction. Like, right now."
"But that fanfic isn't finished," said Derpy Hooves. "It probably gets a lot better."
"This isn't fanfiction, Derpy!" said Lyra. "These aren't fictional characters you're writing about. You're writing bizarre, creepy stories about your friends and leaving them around where anypony can see them! We're real ponies, not toy factories—"
"Secret rabbit toy factories," Derpy corrected.
The Doctor reached out and gently lay a hoof on Derpy's shoulder. "Derpy, why don't we spend some time together trying to find another creative outlet for you? Maybe painting?" he offered. "You can put practically anything on a canvas and somepony will think it's art."
Derpy pouted. "You can't stifle my genius!" she said, then stormed out of the house.
Princess Twilight Sparkle sighed. "I'm sorry, everypony. That could have gone better. Maybe we shouldn't have been so direct."
Bon Bon narrowed her eyes. "Well, we still have a major problem to deal with," she said. A lump wiggled within her neck, controlling her vocal speakers.
"She knows."
This is really cute. And dumb, but in a good way. I don't know that I have much to say about it... I thought it accomplished its goals well.
Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews.
Good and cute, but the last line is a bit off. It doesn't really is announced by the kind of story you're telling, especially because you show that the first half is in fact a silly fanfic written by Muffins. So I was expecting the story to stay in that field, not going back to the absurdity it starts with. I don't know if that can appeal to others.
Anyway, a solid prose with funny moment with Derpy. Aside from the ending, I quite enjoyed it. My take on this would be to either go full in absurd comedy, or keeping your swtich back to normal things.
Thank you for sharing.
Good and cute, but the last line is a bit off. It doesn't really is announced by the kind of story you're telling, especially because you show that the first half is in fact a silly fanfic written by Muffins. So I was expecting the story to stay in that field, not going back to the absurdity it starts with. I don't know if that can appeal to others.
Anyway, a solid prose with funny moment with Derpy. Aside from the ending, I quite enjoyed it. My take on this would be to either go full in absurd comedy, or keeping your swtich back to normal things.
Thank you for sharing.
I didn't like this at all. Circles always spell trouble.
Actually, they just spell OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Wait, so, Derpy wrote a fanfic about her friends staging an intervention for her, which was then read aloud to her by her friends at an intervention... for writing fan fiction.
Too much inception. Brain hurts.
(Kinda cute? Funny? Didn't leave that great an impression, but Derpy's always good for a smile.)
This made me laugh, and I rarely see good Derpy stories.
I don't agree with >>Fenton that the twist back to the absurd was bad: it's what I like most about the piece, and it fit for me at least. Maybe it's a personal taste.
I agree in part with >>Posh about the coincidence between the story and the actual intervention seeming confusingly meta. Maybe that's why I never saw a complete withdraw from absurdity and thus the ending didn't bother me as much.
I think Derpy's transformation sentence should be more detailed, and maybe a little less silly. Most of the rest of the story is tongue-in-cheek humor rather than outright randomness (er, except for the factory thing, but even that was delivered dryly). Either way, this story would benefit from access to more horse words than the minific format can provide.
I don't agree with >>Fenton that the twist back to the absurd was bad: it's what I like most about the piece, and it fit for me at least. Maybe it's a personal taste.
I agree in part with >>Posh about the coincidence between the story and the actual intervention seeming confusingly meta. Maybe that's why I never saw a complete withdraw from absurdity and thus the ending didn't bother me as much.
I think Derpy's transformation sentence should be more detailed, and maybe a little less silly. Most of the rest of the story is tongue-in-cheek humor rather than outright randomness (er, except for the factory thing, but even that was delivered dryly). Either way, this story would benefit from access to more horse words than the minific format can provide.
This is pretty much crackfiction, and I'm not big on crackfiction.
Actual writing is fine and the shape of the last joke works for me, but yeah, nothing else here really works for me. Just isn't my kind of humor.
Actual writing is fine and the shape of the last joke works for me, but yeah, nothing else here really works for me. Just isn't my kind of humor.
Pretty basic meta-concept here, as we can see by Twilight's Butt doing the exact same thing this round. This has a superior second half, but Butt had a funnier opening and better overall comedy. Overall I think Twilight's Butt is superior; this concept needs the comedy to sustain interest. If I wasn't reading this for a competition, I would've closed the tab before reaching the twist.
Sorry if that's a bit of an abrupt review though. You did finish the form, which by itself is good for at least low-mid in most mini rounds. Go stare at Twilight's Butt for a while, it's very relevant, and also contains some comments applicable to this piece Thanks for writing!
Sorry if that's a bit of an abrupt review though. You did finish the form, which by itself is good for at least low-mid in most mini rounds. Go stare at Twilight's Butt for a while, it's very relevant, and also contains some comments applicable to this piece Thanks for writing!
Don't lose hope Derpy. I've seen fiction far worse than yours.
As far as absurdism goes, this one is pretty good. I wish we could have spent a little bit more time in the aftermath of Derpy's intervention. I believe there should be a more marked contrast between the fanfic and the rest if the story.
I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said, but I really enjoyed this, and with a bit of expansion and polishing, you'll have a pretty fun story.
As far as absurdism goes, this one is pretty good. I wish we could have spent a little bit more time in the aftermath of Derpy's intervention. I believe there should be a more marked contrast between the fanfic and the rest if the story.
I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said, but I really enjoyed this, and with a bit of expansion and polishing, you'll have a pretty fun story.
Totally Banned Derpy
a Retrospective
Well, I liked my story. This is possibly the first time I didn't get much from the reviews I could use. :ajunsure: The problem is that I disagreed with pretty much all the criticism, and none of the criticism was consistent so I'm not sure if anything ponies responded to is actually a problem for a wider audience.
>>sharpspark
Thanks! :twilightsmile: I promise I won't say something bad about one of your stories later in this retro and then regret it... (Also I loved some of your stories that did not make the cut and am very surprised they didn't make it, but how many stories did you write?!)
>>Fenton
I don't agree at all. I think the last line is the best part of the story. :ponyshrug:
>>Posh
I didn't think it was too confusing, but I discuss this a little in my last response below. Amusingly, I'd been thinking of putting the OOOOOO joke into the story before I saw your review. :rainbowlaugh:
>>Trick_Question
I don't agree with any of—oh, wait, I wrote this review
>>AndrewRogue
This is absurdity played straight, but I don't quite think of it as crackfiction? I don't normally write in this genre so I don't really know. I guess Derpy's story would kind of count. The ending qualifies as random, I think.
>>Ranmilia
Hmm. I didn't enjoy Twilight's Butt, and I liked reading my own story. (Oh crap Sharpspark I broke my promise! :raritydespair:) I do see your point about the comedy not being sustained as a constant effect. I guess some of this comes down to whether or not the reader expects things will be completely random or if there's an actual plot behind what they're reading.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I agree the transition is a little schizy in how it's supposed to be a break to realism, but there's obviously still absurdity at the same moment because the plot matches Derpy's story. I'm not sure whether that should be enough to throw somepony out of the story or not.
So, yeah. I thought I had something cute and very funny, and nopony really liked it. This discourages me from actually expanding and posting it because it's clear I still don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this genre (even though I feel like I do).
Best of luck to the rest of you! :pinkiesmile:
a Retrospective
Well, I liked my story. This is possibly the first time I didn't get much from the reviews I could use. :ajunsure: The problem is that I disagreed with pretty much all the criticism, and none of the criticism was consistent so I'm not sure if anything ponies responded to is actually a problem for a wider audience.
>>sharpspark
Thanks! :twilightsmile: I promise I won't say something bad about one of your stories later in this retro and then regret it... (Also I loved some of your stories that did not make the cut and am very surprised they didn't make it, but how many stories did you write?!)
>>Fenton
I don't agree at all. I think the last line is the best part of the story. :ponyshrug:
>>Posh
I didn't think it was too confusing, but I discuss this a little in my last response below. Amusingly, I'd been thinking of putting the OOOOOO joke into the story before I saw your review. :rainbowlaugh:
>>Trick_Question
I don't agree with any of—oh, wait, I wrote this review
>>AndrewRogue
This is absurdity played straight, but I don't quite think of it as crackfiction? I don't normally write in this genre so I don't really know. I guess Derpy's story would kind of count. The ending qualifies as random, I think.
>>Ranmilia
Hmm. I didn't enjoy Twilight's Butt, and I liked reading my own story. (Oh crap Sharpspark I broke my promise! :raritydespair:) I do see your point about the comedy not being sustained as a constant effect. I guess some of this comes down to whether or not the reader expects things will be completely random or if there's an actual plot behind what they're reading.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I agree the transition is a little schizy in how it's supposed to be a break to realism, but there's obviously still absurdity at the same moment because the plot matches Derpy's story. I'm not sure whether that should be enough to throw somepony out of the story or not.
So, yeah. I thought I had something cute and very funny, and nopony really liked it. This discourages me from actually expanding and posting it because it's clear I still don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this genre (even though I feel like I do).
Best of luck to the rest of you! :pinkiesmile: