I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.

… Poetry, huh? All right. This seems passable to me, as a poem. I don't have the energy, or inclination, to go through and check your meter, but nothing really jumped out to me as awful. The same was mostly true for your rhymes, too, although "feign" did seem a little weak to me.

Other than that, my biggest complaint is that nothing really changes or progresses; it's mostly just Spike repeating the same sentiment. Which works a little bit, because that's definitely how poems have been written in the past, but it just feels a lot less satisfying to me than something with an actual arc.

Maybe that's unfair of me? Some people have told me in the past that I shouldn't judge poems like I do stories, but I just can't help it. Still, thanks for writing.

Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews.

Okay, first time I try to review poetry. So indulge me and don't take everything I'll say like if I was the best judge.

Anyway, I can't really much say anything about the metric. I'm still not comfortable enough with English to properly judge that but as I was voicing the poem out loud, I didn't hear anything jarring (except for some rhymes, but that probably comes from the habit of French poetry)

Like >>Not_A_Hat mentionned, overall every paragraph is more or less the same feeling described by Spike. I won't fault you for that, since I do like when something takes its time to explore all of its subtlety, instead of just relying on a few words. Still, I think it needs a progression at some point, and there is some in it, but it felt a bit messed up.
If I follow your division:
-The first part (4 stanzas) is Spike using metaphors to show how he wished his reltionship with Rarity would be, ending on a glance on how it really is.
-The second part (3 stanzas) is Spike comparing Rarity with celestial body to show how much she means to him.
-The third part (3stanzas) is Spike explaining is distress of not being worthy of her, even according to his own standards.
-The fourth part (3 stanzas) has two ideas. The first one is Spike showing he would be ready to leave everything behind to be able to live his love, and the second one is Spike explaining that he is hiding his love and that it's painful.
-The fifth part (3 stanzas) shows that Spike is ready to be nothing more than a hoof sweeper, if only it gives him a chance to be noticed by Rarity.

That being said, every part ends on a repetition of Spike regretting that love between dragons and ponies is forbidden. This adds a nice pace to the poem, even if it's somehow expected to have this kind of things.
However, every main idea in each part could be stronger. We have other ideas melting into each part. Spike hiding his love, for example, is located in the first, the second, the fourth and the fifth part.
Moreover, I would switched the first and the second part. Starting with how Spike fantasize his relationship and following with how much Rarity means to him is a bit jarring. I think it's better to start with what Rarity means to Spike before actually having Spike imagining their love.

I'm realising that I'm making more critics than praises, and this doesn't equal the pleasure I had to read it. It's quite solid as a poem. My advice would be to focus more on one idea for each part, and to have an even more refined structure (like not having 4 stanzas in one part, but keep each one at 3). You have a really great thing here. Rework it and I'm sure you'll have something magical.

Thank you for sharing, I hope you'll make it to the finals.

Poetry.

We're doing this, huh. All right, I'll put time into it.

I wish I could sweep you off you hooves,

Meter: 7-8-7-8, 9-6-8-7, 8-9-8-8, 8-7-8-8 || 9-9-7-8, 8-7-8-8, 8-9-8-8 || 8-7-9-7, 9-8-8-8, 8-9-8-8 || 9-6-7-8, 7-7-9-7, 9-7-9-8 || 9-6-8-9, 9-6-7-8, 8-7-8-8

The scansion is all over the place. Many lines are iambic tetrameter, and some could be forced to be if I assume rough pronunciation, but others are clearly not and I cannot find any set pattern to them. Some are trimeter, some are 7-syllable dactyls, some 9 syllables that I don't even know what to do with.

The first section is four quatrains, all the others are three. Sections are divided by a triple line break, which makes it difficult to parse them. Rhyme scheme is masculine end rhymes on 2 and 4, plus end on 1 and 3 in the final quatrain of each section (w/"forbidden"), except possibly 4th where the poet attempts to rhyme "didn't" and "forbidden."

See >>Fenton for good notes on content. As he and Not A Hat both note, there's little in the way of progression, and ideas blend into one another. After the first section, imagery fades into typical Spike concepts: heavenly bodies, dresses, gems (gem repeated twice). The main conceit of why their love is forbidden goes unexamined.

The standard for Writeoff is narrative prose fiction. That's what most people are familiar with, that's what most readers expect, that's what most authors are here to struggle with and learn about. Other forms aren't strictly forbidden, but I tend to frown on them because they skip out on the opportunities for learning, teaching and quality analysis and feedback - and those are the things I'm coming here for.

Most of the community here does not seem to be very familiar with reading, writing, or analyzing poetry. A few people are (I look forward to Quill Scratch chiming in on this!) but it's not the norm. Because of that, most of the reactions and feedback a piece like this is going to receive are going to be extremely basic and boosted by novelty value.

And so, because of all of that: if you bring poetry (or another unusual form) to Writeoff: my standards are high. I want to see your A-game, I want to see that you've researched the form you chose and know at least the basics of what you're doing, and I want to see the reason why you would choose to do this and submit it to a competition.

Form is the key element of poetry. It's the very thing that sets it apart from prose! So the key question that any poem has to answer is "how is this piece making use of its chosen form to communicate ideas? What does the arrangement of the words say beyond the words themselves?"

In this piece, I'm afraid I'm not seeing much of an answer. It's possible to read in and say it's free verse and this is all intentional to communicate that Spike is immature and something something... but it's possible to do that with any piece, so I'm not really buying that line. It looks to me like the author just didn't have a set form in mind or think about it much beyond wanting to do a Rarispike love poem for the sake of doing it, and winging a few things they had in their head that poems do.

So due to all that, this isn't going to score very well on my slate. I don't think it's a very strong poem. It could be improved by selecting a more consistent meter or form that plays into its themes (perhaps a series of sonnets, those are easily recognizable as love poems to modern audiences?), by stronger choices in diction, by better separation and arrangement of content, and by careful attention to detail (a 418 word poem absolutely cannot afford typos like the one quoted above).

It's possible that I'm missing something, I'm far from infallible or a master poet. And absolutely, my standards for Writeoff poems are my own and not anyone else's. Poet, please don't be sad because scary Ran is thrashing your piece, or think that I'm saying you shouldn't be creative. I know you only had a handful of hours to work on this, and potentially did the whole thing on a whim with no serious goals, and that's fine. Completion is its own reward. A sincere thanks to you for writing. Please do not turn away from poetry, and consider lobbying for a poetry-specific round if you think you'd enjoy Poetry-off! I'd be down!

Since we have decent coverageI will take a different tact on reviewing this one, because I am a dirty, filthy shipper.

To sell me on the romance, you need to get me invested in it. Somehow. I need to like the pairing for some reason.

I don't like Spike/Rarity. This isn't to be said that I can't be sold on the romance (or even that you are writing this for me), but Spike/Rarity has a lot of inherent problems. The foremost being that Spike is a child. Its a crush. It is hard to think of it as anything other than a crush. It could become something more after he grows up a bit, but until then... well. It's a crush.

So, the problem with this piece is that the emotion doesn't resonate with me because I have trouble putting this to a context where I can take it seriously. I just see ~13 year old emotional maturity Spike writing this. I mean, it doesn't mean his emotions aren't real or anything, but I have nothing to really contravene the little voice in my head making "Crawling in my skin" jokes. It is real for Spike in the moment, but I see them as the same overwrought emotions I was familiar with in my own childhood.

Hopefully that makes sense? This will likely read better to somebody into the ship, but for me it just resonates in a certain way.

Ah! A nice poem. Poetry is always a challenge, and this was a fun read.

>>Ranmilia beat me to the punch on the poetry issues. If you're working with a simple rhyme scheme that's easy to fit like this, it would add a lot of weight to map it to more structure. Unstructured poetry is fine, but here you have almost-perfect-but-not-quite, and that makes it stand out in a dissonant way.

I think there are two larger issues, however.

The first one is that the poem bemoans forbidden love, and never gives the audience a clue to why it's forbidden. In Equestria of all places, it seems like that wouldn't be a problem. They know next to nothing about dragons, after all, and Spike is treated as anypony else in society—not to mention he's close friends with all the royal ponies who actually make law. Spike doesn't seem to think his love is forbidden in the show, so why does he feel that way now? Maybe he was merely rejected...?

The second one is that it feels like the plot stops advancing in the last three quatrains, and all that comes through there is emo (apparently >>AndrewRogue saw the same thing, although he wasn't as specific about where). The end of the poem thus drags on in a way that makes Spike's feelings seem childish, which contrasts with the rest of the poem where it seems like he has well-thought out what he's trying to say and what it means.

However: it could be interesting to see Spike's maturity devolve through the poem! But to do that I think you'd need to do it gradually and with more severity, so it's clear that what seemed like love was selfish all along. You'd need to underscore his lack of introspective awareness at the end of the poem, as well.