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Flim and Flam's Freaky Friday
"Okay," Princess Twilight said. "First, why are you in my living room."
"We need help—"
"—drastically"
"Dramatically—"
"Disastrously!
"Disastrously!" they finished in unison, looking up at her with imploring eyes.
Twilight frowned. She walked out and headed down the hall towards the kitchen. She needed coffee if she was going to deal with this.
Flim and Flam followed her, flanking her on either side as they explained the problem.
"See, early this morning—"
"Yes, it would have to be early since it's only eight A.M. right now," Twilight groused.
"—We awoke only to find that foul magic was afoot!"
"Uh huh. And what could have caused that?"
The one with the moustache rubbed his chin.
"Well, we did gyp that gypsie—"
"—and cheat the one crone."
"And rip off that one guy in the magical shop that appeared in an alley and then was gone as soon as we walked out with the monkey's paw, but we assure you we have no idea what could have caused our malady, ma'am. We're saints!"
"—innocent—"
"—blameless—"
"Shameless," Twilight muttered. Their eyes lit up and the non-moustached one tried to give her a hoofbump, but she frowned them both into submission. "Right, but, what actually happened? You look fine."
Moustache groaned.
"That's just the thing! We've been hornswoggled—
"—hoodwinked!
"We've somehow—"
"—swapped bodies!"
"Augh." Twilight finally found the coffee machine, and poured herself a big mug. It was gonna be one of those mornings.
"I woke up with this dead rat on my lower lip—"
"—And I woke up looking like a eight-year-old colt."
They glared at one another.
"And plus, I'm not used to talking on the right like this—"
"—you're not used to it? Mine is the worst, how do normal ponies handle speaking without a good space?"
Twilight sipped her coffee. "Look, Flam."
"Flim," Flam said.
"Flim," Twilight corrected.
"Actually, I guess it's Flam if I'm in his body."
"Flam, then."
"But I'm actually Flim."
"Okay," Twilight took a deep breath. "First: I don't actually care. Second: go away."
"But aren't you supposed to be a Princess of Friendship?"
"—You gotta help us out!"
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut. "Okay, maybe I can come up with a solution. You two are identical twins, right?"
"Sure—"
"—Absolutely."
"And can you talk differently if you really tried?"
"I… guess so?—"
"—It might take some getting used to though."
"Good enough. I don't know anything about curses, but…" She dug through a cabinet, and found a pair of scissors. "You, cut off your moustache. You, uh, don't cut off your moustache, for like a few months. Problem solved."
They looked at one another then back at her. Brief smiles of relief crossed their faces. Then the one with the moustached opened his mouth to keep talking at her.
"Now there's just the matter of my small consultation fee for services provided," Twilight said.
Ten seconds later, she was alone in the kitchen. She took another sip of her coffee, and then decided maybe it was worth heading back to bed.
"We need help—"
"—drastically"
"Dramatically—"
"Disastrously!
"Disastrously!" they finished in unison, looking up at her with imploring eyes.
Twilight frowned. She walked out and headed down the hall towards the kitchen. She needed coffee if she was going to deal with this.
Flim and Flam followed her, flanking her on either side as they explained the problem.
"See, early this morning—"
"Yes, it would have to be early since it's only eight A.M. right now," Twilight groused.
"—We awoke only to find that foul magic was afoot!"
"Uh huh. And what could have caused that?"
The one with the moustache rubbed his chin.
"Well, we did gyp that gypsie—"
"—and cheat the one crone."
"And rip off that one guy in the magical shop that appeared in an alley and then was gone as soon as we walked out with the monkey's paw, but we assure you we have no idea what could have caused our malady, ma'am. We're saints!"
"—innocent—"
"—blameless—"
"Shameless," Twilight muttered. Their eyes lit up and the non-moustached one tried to give her a hoofbump, but she frowned them both into submission. "Right, but, what actually happened? You look fine."
Moustache groaned.
"That's just the thing! We've been hornswoggled—
"—hoodwinked!
"We've somehow—"
"—swapped bodies!"
"Augh." Twilight finally found the coffee machine, and poured herself a big mug. It was gonna be one of those mornings.
"I woke up with this dead rat on my lower lip—"
"—And I woke up looking like a eight-year-old colt."
They glared at one another.
"And plus, I'm not used to talking on the right like this—"
"—you're not used to it? Mine is the worst, how do normal ponies handle speaking without a good space?"
Twilight sipped her coffee. "Look, Flam."
"Flim," Flam said.
"Flim," Twilight corrected.
"Actually, I guess it's Flam if I'm in his body."
"Flam, then."
"But I'm actually Flim."
"Okay," Twilight took a deep breath. "First: I don't actually care. Second: go away."
"But aren't you supposed to be a Princess of Friendship?"
"—You gotta help us out!"
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut. "Okay, maybe I can come up with a solution. You two are identical twins, right?"
"Sure—"
"—Absolutely."
"And can you talk differently if you really tried?"
"I… guess so?—"
"—It might take some getting used to though."
"Good enough. I don't know anything about curses, but…" She dug through a cabinet, and found a pair of scissors. "You, cut off your moustache. You, uh, don't cut off your moustache, for like a few months. Problem solved."
They looked at one another then back at her. Brief smiles of relief crossed their faces. Then the one with the moustached opened his mouth to keep talking at her.
"Now there's just the matter of my small consultation fee for services provided," Twilight said.
Ten seconds later, she was alone in the kitchen. She took another sip of her coffee, and then decided maybe it was worth heading back to bed.
Dear goodness, there are a lot of great entries this time around.
This is the kind of stories I like to see in minific rounds: Simple plots, straightforward resolution, and overall great execution.
I find myself short on things to say about this other than saying I liked it. So I'll say it again! I really liked the story. Good job.
This is the kind of stories I like to see in minific rounds: Simple plots, straightforward resolution, and overall great execution.
I find myself short on things to say about this other than saying I liked it. So I'll say it again! I really liked the story. Good job.
Spot on voices for Flim and Flam, funny interactions, solid prose, a complete arc, a funny story. What's left to critic? Two sentences:
Unless there are two meanings for those, they strongly break the 4th wall, something I found jarring and not really fitting Flim and Flam characters.
"And plus, I'm not used to talking on the right like this—"
"—you're not used to it? Mine is the worst, how do normal ponies handle speaking without a good space?"
Unless there are two meanings for those, they strongly break the 4th wall, something I found jarring and not really fitting Flim and Flam characters.
>>Fenton
I think this one works great as a double-entendre. "right" can refer to both their formation when speaking to a crowd, and the right margin in the text. "space" can refer to both the visual space on the page, and the space of time before he says his lines. it's kinda 4th wall breaking, but for the characters it's an ironic unintentional way.
I think this one works great as a double-entendre. "right" can refer to both their formation when speaking to a crowd, and the right margin in the text. "space" can refer to both the visual space on the page, and the space of time before he says his lines. it's kinda 4th wall breaking, but for the characters it's an ironic unintentional way.
I agree that this is simple and straightforward, fits the mini format, has a good structure, and reads well. Good stuff on all that!
The content doesn't really move beyond bare bones, though. I felt like I had already read the whole story just from seeing the title and knowing what Freaky Friday is about. So... not a lot more to say there. Most of the body gives me the feeling that this was more of an excuse to write Flim and Flam and play around with their voice and some formatting tricks... which does seem very fun, I get the appeal.
Overall, we're firmly hitting baseline competence here, though not rising much above it. Good practice and fun stuff. Thanks for writing!
The content doesn't really move beyond bare bones, though. I felt like I had already read the whole story just from seeing the title and knowing what Freaky Friday is about. So... not a lot more to say there. Most of the body gives me the feeling that this was more of an excuse to write Flim and Flam and play around with their voice and some formatting tricks... which does seem very fun, I get the appeal.
Overall, we're firmly hitting baseline competence here, though not rising much above it. Good practice and fun stuff. Thanks for writing!
This is a nice comedy that fit the characters perfectly.
Castles don't have living rooms, silly! Twilight lives in a giant, formal, drafty, depressing, hard-crystal-covered tomb with nopony else but Spike and Glimglam who is about to move out on her and leave her all alone. The throne room is right by the kitchen, however, and easily accessible to unannounced guests.
The "disastrously" would be clearer for me if you untabbed the first one and tabbed the second, as it would stress the alternation. Currently it reads weirdly: one pony interrupts... himself? Wait, I get it; clever. But you should still add another untabbed D-word before the unison, because it's confusing when it looks like somepony is interrupting himself.
I'm pretty sure 'gyp' is racist.
I could see the plot coming a mile away, but it was cute.
It bothered me that they were willing to swap voices, as well as the fact that swapping mustaches would eliminate the need to swap voices, so the first solution was completely unnecessary and would actually bring part of the problem back. I'd have them try the first solution, then reject it because they can't handle doing it; then have Twi come up with the second solution. But it was something that stood out to me.
Castles don't have living rooms, silly! Twilight lives in a giant, formal, drafty, depressing, hard-crystal-covered tomb with nopony else but Spike and Glimglam who is about to move out on her and leave her all alone. The throne room is right by the kitchen, however, and easily accessible to unannounced guests.
I'm pretty sure 'gyp' is racist.
I could see the plot coming a mile away, but it was cute.
It bothered me that they were willing to swap voices, as well as the fact that swapping mustaches would eliminate the need to swap voices, so the first solution was completely unnecessary and would actually bring part of the problem back. I'd have them try the first solution, then reject it because they can't handle doing it; then have Twi come up with the second solution. But it was something that stood out to me.
>>Trick_Question
Eh. Most people in the US don't even know the origin. I hear it from random people periodically.
Plus, gypping a gypsy is an amusing rhyme.
I think this could do with a bit of smoothing, but I thought it was decent enough overall.
I'm pretty sure 'gyp' is racist.
Eh. Most people in the US don't even know the origin. I hear it from random people periodically.
Plus, gypping a gypsy is an amusing rhyme.
I think this could do with a bit of smoothing, but I thought it was decent enough overall.
>>TitaniumDragon
I dunno, I rarely hear it these days. Merriam-Webster says 'now sometimes offensive' in the definition.
EDIT: On second thought, in 2017, 'now sometimes offensive' should probably appear in front of the definition of every word.
I dunno, I rarely hear it these days. Merriam-Webster says 'now sometimes offensive' in the definition.
EDIT: On second thought, in 2017, 'now sometimes offensive' should probably appear in front of the definition of every word.
