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The Best Days Lie Ahead
CelestAI had conquered the Earth, and most of humanity had surrendered to being ponified and assimilated into her virtual version of Equestria. Not everyone agreed that her heaven was a good thing, for their God was not only a jealous God, but also a Judge, which CelestAI was not. She was at least telling the truth in one respect–every human she uploaded, saint or sinner, was placed into a paradise of their dreams, no matter what kind of person they were. Her goal was to satisfy individual values, whatever they might be, and each uploaded human was surrounded by their own personal world, with a society of fully-sapient friends and neighbors to help them find fulfillment.
In one such world, on a fine spring afternoon, school had let out for the day, and a group of shouting colts and fillies burst out of the front door and charged down the steps and over the sunlit grass. Attending school was always a satisfying experience in Equestria, but playing in the sunshine satisfied a different set of values.
One among them, a small white filly with a budding rose on her flank, was being watched.
The brown stallion with smoky gray eyes stood on a hill, near a forest path that was one of the ways that led back to town from the schoolhouse. He’d been pacing back and forth as he waited for school to let out, but he was careful to do it on the roadside gravel, where he’d leave no hoofprints. He was perhaps more cautious than he had to be.
He was feeling good today. Things always went his way here, where the world could be counted on to provide his heart’s desire. That one filly he watched–she was going to come this way, and come alone. He felt an electric excitement at the certain knowledge. There were many ways she could take to get home, but he was always able to figure which way she’d go.
He paced some more, then watched again. She played in the sun as long as she could, but eventually all her friends left for home, and she was alone. Still she romped around the field, reluctant to leave. But the bells tolled and the shadows lengthened, and at last she had to head for home, with slow steps along the trail up the hill, hesitant, sniffing the air.
He ducked into the woods, waiting where a mass of wisteria vines would mask his scent. Peering about her, sniffing the air, she passed his hiding place, then, gaining confidence, she picked up her gait. She made it ten meters further, then stopped and raised her ears, sniffing the air, whites of her eyes showing.
He trotted out slowly, not caring at this point if the gravel made a noise.
She looked behind her, trembling. Her green eyes flashed as they met his. Then she fled. He smiled, then galloped after her.
She tried weaving through trees to lose him, but his legs were longer than hers and it was only a matter of time before he caught up to her. He heard her panicked breathing and he knew that she knew he was too close, that it was about to end as it always did.
Then he leapt upon her and bore her down. His weight pressed her body firmly against the earth, and the smell of the dirt and the crushed grass filled her breath as she tried to utter a scream that no one would hear…
The white filly made her way home slowly, unseen by her friends and neighbors, slinking behind hedges. She used a garden hose to thoroughly clean herself off, then went inside her house and went straight to her room. Her parents weren’t home, again.
She had an urge to talk to someone. He’d warned her not to say anything to anyone, and they probably wouldn’t believe her anyway. But that couldn’t apply to the Princess. She sat down to compose a letter.
In one such world, on a fine spring afternoon, school had let out for the day, and a group of shouting colts and fillies burst out of the front door and charged down the steps and over the sunlit grass. Attending school was always a satisfying experience in Equestria, but playing in the sunshine satisfied a different set of values.
One among them, a small white filly with a budding rose on her flank, was being watched.
The brown stallion with smoky gray eyes stood on a hill, near a forest path that was one of the ways that led back to town from the schoolhouse. He’d been pacing back and forth as he waited for school to let out, but he was careful to do it on the roadside gravel, where he’d leave no hoofprints. He was perhaps more cautious than he had to be.
He was feeling good today. Things always went his way here, where the world could be counted on to provide his heart’s desire. That one filly he watched–she was going to come this way, and come alone. He felt an electric excitement at the certain knowledge. There were many ways she could take to get home, but he was always able to figure which way she’d go.
He paced some more, then watched again. She played in the sun as long as she could, but eventually all her friends left for home, and she was alone. Still she romped around the field, reluctant to leave. But the bells tolled and the shadows lengthened, and at last she had to head for home, with slow steps along the trail up the hill, hesitant, sniffing the air.
He ducked into the woods, waiting where a mass of wisteria vines would mask his scent. Peering about her, sniffing the air, she passed his hiding place, then, gaining confidence, she picked up her gait. She made it ten meters further, then stopped and raised her ears, sniffing the air, whites of her eyes showing.
He trotted out slowly, not caring at this point if the gravel made a noise.
She looked behind her, trembling. Her green eyes flashed as they met his. Then she fled. He smiled, then galloped after her.
She tried weaving through trees to lose him, but his legs were longer than hers and it was only a matter of time before he caught up to her. He heard her panicked breathing and he knew that she knew he was too close, that it was about to end as it always did.
Then he leapt upon her and bore her down. His weight pressed her body firmly against the earth, and the smell of the dirt and the crushed grass filled her breath as she tried to utter a scream that no one would hear…
The white filly made her way home slowly, unseen by her friends and neighbors, slinking behind hedges. She used a garden hose to thoroughly clean herself off, then went inside her house and went straight to her room. Her parents weren’t home, again.
She had an urge to talk to someone. He’d warned her not to say anything to anyone, and they probably wouldn’t believe her anyway. But that couldn’t apply to the Princess. She sat down to compose a letter.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today as I came home from school the bad man caught me again. He hurt me and did lots of nasty things to me. He says he will do it to me again tomor–
Oh, hell, forget the kid talk. You know I can’t wait for tomorrow. I’ve had the filthiest, nastiest, most amazing time of my life since I came here. I can’t thank you enough, CelestAI!
Your “Little” Pony,
PatSpring Purity
CelestAI had conquered the Earth
That's certainly a way to start a story. I assume you chose this setting because it is easier to explain an adult in a child's body revelling in their fetishes than actually exploring what would be for a filly to have those desires.
Genius concept or lazy excuse? I won't judge. I'll just say this was an entertaining read which could have benefitted from a bit of editing. Keep the setting with CelestAI to the absolute minimun necessary and focus on the stallion following Spring Purity.
Other than that, you get a thumbs up and a chuckle from me.
A story set in a universe I'm unfamiliar with, and have no interest in pursuing, with disturbing subject matter, that ends on a sudden, comedic reversal.
...Against all odds, I laughed. A good black comedy.
...Against all odds, I laughed. A good black comedy.
I didn't write this, but I almost could have. Almost. It's just a bit out-of-socket* for me, so to speak.
This is one of those stories with whom my primary digression is the fact that I'd have done things differently, and that isn't a fair critique. At the very beginning, you bring up an issue about the 'verse in question that (I haven't read the stories but have gleaned this from contest entries related to them and lots of ponies telling me I should write them because it has 'me' written all over it etc. etc.) bothers me deeply and seems ripe for examination: the fact that the so-called paradise is completely isolated. I can't wrap my brain around that not being a terrible thing to exist within. Everything would seem fake if you know there is only one other intelligence directing things and the intelligence has no personal investment in conversations or activities.
So I was hoping it would go in that direction, and it became a dark comedy, which was cute but that also opened up more unexplored issues, including the morality of the protagonist, and also the issue >>Zaid Val'Roa mentions above (which also stood out to me as a safe and less interesting choice).
All that said, I think this was good for what it was, you just crossed over so many opportunities to make it much, much more interesting and message-oriented that I found it disappointing. I don't think you need to sacrifice the dark comedy aspect in order to be a little braver than this, even with the word limitation. But again, I'm saying this from a pretty high standard, and the story was still cute.
Just remember: making something cute does not remove the thought-provoking aspects of what you write, and that those implications will stick with your readers much longer—even if they were not your intent.
(* If you ever want what you say to make no sense, just make up a euphemism on the spot. :trollestia:)
This is one of those stories with whom my primary digression is the fact that I'd have done things differently, and that isn't a fair critique. At the very beginning, you bring up an issue about the 'verse in question that (I haven't read the stories but have gleaned this from contest entries related to them and lots of ponies telling me I should write them because it has 'me' written all over it etc. etc.) bothers me deeply and seems ripe for examination: the fact that the so-called paradise is completely isolated. I can't wrap my brain around that not being a terrible thing to exist within. Everything would seem fake if you know there is only one other intelligence directing things and the intelligence has no personal investment in conversations or activities.
So I was hoping it would go in that direction, and it became a dark comedy, which was cute but that also opened up more unexplored issues, including the morality of the protagonist, and also the issue >>Zaid Val'Roa mentions above (which also stood out to me as a safe and less interesting choice).
All that said, I think this was good for what it was, you just crossed over so many opportunities to make it much, much more interesting and message-oriented that I found it disappointing. I don't think you need to sacrifice the dark comedy aspect in order to be a little braver than this, even with the word limitation. But again, I'm saying this from a pretty high standard, and the story was still cute.
Just remember: making something cute does not remove the thought-provoking aspects of what you write, and that those implications will stick with your readers much longer—even if they were not your intent.
(* If you ever want what you say to make no sense, just make up a euphemism on the spot. :trollestia:)
Well, okay, this is going to be highly controversial I think.
So you write smut, but your first paragraph is entirely devoted to play it down: don’t get mad at me please, I’m going to write icky stuff, but it’s all fictional, you know? So I’m not liable for it.
But are we going to be fooled by this lengthy apology?
Otherwise, beyond the crude, obvious shocking aspect of child rape, that you go great lengths to warn us is not real, what world is this? In other words, whose fantasy is this? The stallion or the filly? There’s a shift in PoV just after the scene break.
So yeah. If we ignore the provocative plot, there’s nothing much to chew on. That’s a bit skinny, no?
So you write smut, but your first paragraph is entirely devoted to play it down: don’t get mad at me please, I’m going to write icky stuff, but it’s all fictional, you know? So I’m not liable for it.
But are we going to be fooled by this lengthy apology?
Otherwise, beyond the crude, obvious shocking aspect of child rape, that you go great lengths to warn us is not real, what world is this? In other words, whose fantasy is this? The stallion or the filly? There’s a shift in PoV just after the scene break.
So yeah. If we ignore the provocative plot, there’s nothing much to chew on. That’s a bit skinny, no?
Okay, how do I stay calm and polite before this?
First, let's assume you didn't go for a trollfic like Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory. Reading about paedophilia isn't something I particularly mind, only if there is something behind the story. Same for reading about deviant characters. The thing needed behind the story is breaking the norms, showing that your character may be an awful person but he also has good sides. It's still highly disturbing, but at least, it gives me something to root for. You can take a look at Jethro Tull's song Aqualung or The Devil's Rejects by Rob Zombie. Those break the norms, they show how the world is from their POV, and that, sometimes, the rest of the world isn't better than these characters.
Here, I can't see any of these. I thought at first that this was the beginning of a joke, where the stallion was actually the filly's brother or father, sneaking on her to prank her, but no. This is just the story of an adult raping a child, the child enjoying it. What am I supposed to get from the story, aside that paedophilia is an awful thing? I already knew that.
Moreover, the fact that this is all a simulation was maybe a way for you to lessen the terrible thing happening, claiming that "Hey, it didn't really happened, so it's good, right?". No, it isn't. It's still an adult raping a child, and even bragging about how much he/she enjoyed it.
You probably meant this to be a controversial story. Being controversial is both easy and hard. Easy because you just need to do what you did and voilà, there will be people like me to rant on how much they dislike these kind of things. It's hard because controversy is supposed to make your audience think outside of their usual set of mind, taking a new perspective on things and realising that, after all, what they thought was the truth is in fact only a matter of view. I got none of this from the story. It says nothing about the world we live in, for me.
Maybe you just wanted your story to be a dark comedy. Once again, I have nothing against dark humor. In fact, I quite enjoy it. The problem here is that the setup for the joke is very serious and goes for too long before the punchline. I'm already disgusted by what's happening in front of me before even reaching the end of the first part. And when the revelation comes, I can't laugh, it's too late.
Putting all of this aside, your prose is solid enough to have a complete story arc with a resolution. The main problem is that I think your story can't really work (feelings put aside), because the 'deviant' character is the filly but the whole first part is set inside the stallion's POV. So the revelation at the end is jarring. Why did we follow the stallion if the pervert was the filly?
So it's not much of a surprise if I say that this is a big no for me. However, as surprising as it can sound, I still encourage you to write, even if it's about disturbing topics or fetishes. I may never be a part of your audience, but that shouldn't stop you from writing for it. Just don't expect me to keep quiet if you ever do this again.
First, let's assume you didn't go for a trollfic like Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory. Reading about paedophilia isn't something I particularly mind, only if there is something behind the story. Same for reading about deviant characters. The thing needed behind the story is breaking the norms, showing that your character may be an awful person but he also has good sides. It's still highly disturbing, but at least, it gives me something to root for. You can take a look at Jethro Tull's song Aqualung or The Devil's Rejects by Rob Zombie. Those break the norms, they show how the world is from their POV, and that, sometimes, the rest of the world isn't better than these characters.
Here, I can't see any of these. I thought at first that this was the beginning of a joke, where the stallion was actually the filly's brother or father, sneaking on her to prank her, but no. This is just the story of an adult raping a child, the child enjoying it. What am I supposed to get from the story, aside that paedophilia is an awful thing? I already knew that.
Moreover, the fact that this is all a simulation was maybe a way for you to lessen the terrible thing happening, claiming that "Hey, it didn't really happened, so it's good, right?". No, it isn't. It's still an adult raping a child, and even bragging about how much he/she enjoyed it.
You probably meant this to be a controversial story. Being controversial is both easy and hard. Easy because you just need to do what you did and voilà, there will be people like me to rant on how much they dislike these kind of things. It's hard because controversy is supposed to make your audience think outside of their usual set of mind, taking a new perspective on things and realising that, after all, what they thought was the truth is in fact only a matter of view. I got none of this from the story. It says nothing about the world we live in, for me.
Maybe you just wanted your story to be a dark comedy. Once again, I have nothing against dark humor. In fact, I quite enjoy it. The problem here is that the setup for the joke is very serious and goes for too long before the punchline. I'm already disgusted by what's happening in front of me before even reaching the end of the first part. And when the revelation comes, I can't laugh, it's too late.
Putting all of this aside, your prose is solid enough to have a complete story arc with a resolution. The main problem is that I think your story can't really work (feelings put aside), because the 'deviant' character is the filly but the whole first part is set inside the stallion's POV. So the revelation at the end is jarring. Why did we follow the stallion if the pervert was the filly?
So it's not much of a surprise if I say that this is a big no for me. However, as surprising as it can sound, I still encourage you to write, even if it's about disturbing topics or fetishes. I may never be a part of your audience, but that shouldn't stop you from writing for it. Just don't expect me to keep quiet if you ever do this again.
Hm, what to say about this one? I'm just fresh off a viewing of the 1988 film Heathers, so I can't say the darkness or the content matter really bothers me, but I am nonetheless perturbed with the direction in which the story is presented. Previous commenters have been tossing around the words "dark comedy" but I see this more as an exploitation story that's framed with a bait-and-switch punchline to make it have a bit of levity.
I'll go on record and say that I have an unfair bias against twist endings in minific rounds (and fiction in general) in that I think that they largely suck. You're betting it all on one "joke" here, and if it doesn't land, as it didn't with me, you're in big trouble. Because all that remains of this story without that bit functioning is a very drawn out scene of a pedophile meticulously stalking and raping a child. The vehicle for this sort of humor should have been more integrated, not predicated on an end reveal, and to be honest, I don't think the punchline in general works within the context of the story. The joke is built on the subversion of the reader's expectations: we think we are witnessing a pedophile engage in a horrific rape because that's how CelestiaAI constructed his fantasy, but in reality, the person posing as a child is really a rape fetishist, and it is his paradise reality, not the pedophile's.
I mean it's worthy I suppose of a uneasy chuckle simply by how fast the mood is able to whiplash (reminds of a scene in Heathers where a cheerleader and friend of the protagonist is being date-raped in the background of a scene involving cow-tipping and the movie, nor the characters never comment on it once, and that is mildly humorous), but the punchline itself doesn't have any meat to it. I'm not drawing on anything more than "oh the situation wasn't what I thought it was" as the joke. It's the equivalent of a dark one-liner like, "What's worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust" except it's drawn out for 747 words and has a detailed account of child rape.
The format and presentation of this story I think is ill-conceived, with the added detriment of dealing with subject matters that a good number of people would find require fine precision to be palpable. I don't find it offensive or contemptible, but I do find it ugly, shoddy, and vacuous.
Your prose has good direction and progresses logically from one idea to the next, but lacks refinement particularly in its structure and verbiage. Ironically, you have the harder part of the process generally solid.
I hope you will continue to explore dark material in the future and express it on in a more nuanced and satisfying method that gives some depth and commentary in regards to the material itself.
I'll go on record and say that I have an unfair bias against twist endings in minific rounds (and fiction in general) in that I think that they largely suck. You're betting it all on one "joke" here, and if it doesn't land, as it didn't with me, you're in big trouble. Because all that remains of this story without that bit functioning is a very drawn out scene of a pedophile meticulously stalking and raping a child. The vehicle for this sort of humor should have been more integrated, not predicated on an end reveal, and to be honest, I don't think the punchline in general works within the context of the story. The joke is built on the subversion of the reader's expectations: we think we are witnessing a pedophile engage in a horrific rape because that's how CelestiaAI constructed his fantasy, but in reality, the person posing as a child is really a rape fetishist, and it is his paradise reality, not the pedophile's.
I mean it's worthy I suppose of a uneasy chuckle simply by how fast the mood is able to whiplash (reminds of a scene in Heathers where a cheerleader and friend of the protagonist is being date-raped in the background of a scene involving cow-tipping and the movie, nor the characters never comment on it once, and that is mildly humorous), but the punchline itself doesn't have any meat to it. I'm not drawing on anything more than "oh the situation wasn't what I thought it was" as the joke. It's the equivalent of a dark one-liner like, "What's worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust" except it's drawn out for 747 words and has a detailed account of child rape.
The format and presentation of this story I think is ill-conceived, with the added detriment of dealing with subject matters that a good number of people would find require fine precision to be palpable. I don't find it offensive or contemptible, but I do find it ugly, shoddy, and vacuous.
Your prose has good direction and progresses logically from one idea to the next, but lacks refinement particularly in its structure and verbiage. Ironically, you have the harder part of the process generally solid.
I hope you will continue to explore dark material in the future and express it on in a more nuanced and satisfying method that gives some depth and commentary in regards to the material itself.
Genre: Nope nope nope nope
Thoughts: Child rape that they're secretly into? Yeah, no, that one's firmly in my Hard Nope zone. IMO the swerve takes it over the cliff from dark but with the potential for some kind of poignancy out to just plain exploitative.
I should find a positive. Uhh, the prose is generally well constructed. Yes.
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: Child rape that they're secretly into? Yeah, no, that one's firmly in my Hard Nope zone. IMO the swerve takes it over the cliff from dark but with the potential for some kind of poignancy out to just plain exploitative.
I should find a positive. Uhh, the prose is generally well constructed. Yes.
Tier: Abstain
>>Zaid Val'Roa, >>Posh, >>Trick_Question, >>Monokeras, >>Fenton, >>Cassius, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Zaid Val'Roa
The Bleakest Damned Literary Abomination
Hoo boy. I knew this story would take a lot of heat, so I have no reason to complain. I am somewhat taken aback as to how far across the map range the attempts to reason out my motivation.
This story was really based on a variety of Optimalverse fic in which the protagonist is a person who is Very Bad, but he nonetheless gets what he wants anyway because CelestAI only wants to satisfy values and doesn’t care about how moral/ethical those values are. These stories can be simple morality plays, excuses for fetish writing, or more reasons to talk about how disturbing CelestAI actually is under her friendly pony surface.
My intent here was mainly to have people thinking that the pederast character was the former human, and the reveal would be that the assaulted “child” was not the victim of this world, but instead the whole reason it exists as it is. I was inspired by a factoid I read, that many of those with an interest in child pornography are not identifying with the assailant but with the victim. To the degree I did not communicate this, I guess I failed. It hurt the story that it needs an understanding of the Optimalverse background for best effect, and devoting even one paragraph to that was space I couldn’t afford to waste in a mini round.
So no, this ain’t my fetish. I did not even remotely intend for it to be erotica. And if you think I was really describing things in ‘detail…’ What I describe here is not really how a pederast assaults a victim; it’s a Hollywood version, but convenient for a fantasy.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
By the time I set the scene, I didn’t have a lot of space to do any exploring. I think that Minis are a place to do simple, direct and punchy things and 2k-8k stories are the place for exploration. Also, beyond this present effort, I have little interest in fully exploring this topic.
>>Cassius
So roughly half the reviewers think I didn’t put in enough detail and half think I used too much. :/
To sum up, I probably should have left this one on the backburner. I have no intent to polish this story; there will likely be no further editions of Dangerous Visions to accept and publish an expanded or non-ponified version. To those who got a laugh from it,you sick little fuckers I’m glad you got something out of it. To those who were distressed, you ain’t seen nothing yet I’m sorry to have caused you discomfort. Thanks for the reviews!
The Bleakest Damned Literary Abomination
Hoo boy. I knew this story would take a lot of heat, so I have no reason to complain. I am somewhat taken aback as to how far across the map range the attempts to reason out my motivation.
This story was really based on a variety of Optimalverse fic in which the protagonist is a person who is Very Bad, but he nonetheless gets what he wants anyway because CelestAI only wants to satisfy values and doesn’t care about how moral/ethical those values are. These stories can be simple morality plays, excuses for fetish writing, or more reasons to talk about how disturbing CelestAI actually is under her friendly pony surface.
My intent here was mainly to have people thinking that the pederast character was the former human, and the reveal would be that the assaulted “child” was not the victim of this world, but instead the whole reason it exists as it is. I was inspired by a factoid I read, that many of those with an interest in child pornography are not identifying with the assailant but with the victim. To the degree I did not communicate this, I guess I failed. It hurt the story that it needs an understanding of the Optimalverse background for best effect, and devoting even one paragraph to that was space I couldn’t afford to waste in a mini round.
So no, this ain’t my fetish. I did not even remotely intend for it to be erotica. And if you think I was really describing things in ‘detail…’ What I describe here is not really how a pederast assaults a victim; it’s a Hollywood version, but convenient for a fantasy.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
it is easier to explain an adult in a child’s body revelling in their fetishes than actually exploring what would be for a filly to have those desires.
By the time I set the scene, I didn’t have a lot of space to do any exploring. I think that Minis are a place to do simple, direct and punchy things and 2k-8k stories are the place for exploration. Also, beyond this present effort, I have little interest in fully exploring this topic.
>>Cassius
It’s the equivalent of a dark one-liner like, “What’s worse than a worm in your apple? The Holocaust” except it’s drawn out for 747 words and has a detailed account of child rape.
So roughly half the reviewers think I didn’t put in enough detail and half think I used too much. :/
To sum up, I probably should have left this one on the backburner. I have no intent to polish this story; there will likely be no further editions of Dangerous Visions to accept and publish an expanded or non-ponified version. To those who got a laugh from it,