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The Best Dealer
You should not judge a book by its cover.
That’s a lesson a young, greedy stallion learned the hard way. Let me tell you about his unfortunate fate.
Once upon a time, a foolish pony had fled Canterlot and its police. Dealing butterfly powder wasn’t legal at the time, and his greediness had started drawing the police’s attention. So he had decided his presence was requested somewhere else, preferably in a small town, far from any law enforcement official.
That’s why when he saw the little Ponyville, he thought there wasn’t any better place to start again his little business.
I should mention this stallion was also foolish.
So he started doing what he did best; establishing contacts with the locals to see who would be interested in his stuff. Surprisingly, there weren’t any pony interested. In fact, each time he mentioned ‘butterfly powder’, every pony was looking at him like if he was a ghost.
“These ponies have never heard about having a good time?” he wondered after the twelfth pony.
As he meandered through the marketplace, he saw a young mare running an apple stand. After a good look, he noticed by her muscles she was probably a farmer, something not really appealing for most pony, but the stallion wasn’t really picky. Moreover, his business required some flirting skills, a thing he had mastered through the years of practise.
“Maybe I will have a chance to plow her field,” he thought with a smirk.
So he did his routine, but the longer he spoke, the higher the mare’s eyebrow was, and she cut him short in the middle of a sentence. “For your own sake, I will tell you this only once. Leave now.”
Getting knocked back that hard surprised him. Who was this mare? Was she gay or something?
He left her here and resumed his meandering, still hoping to find at least one pony to sell some powder.
He had only taken a few steps when another mare came to him. She was a yellow pegasus by the sweet name of Fluttershy.
“Hmm, excuse me, sir?” she told him. He turned his head. “I heard that, hmm, you were selling something?”
The stallion giggled. If the former mare was bulky, this one was her complete opposite. Tall, skinny, with one of the softest voice he had ever heard. An easy prey.
“It depends. What do you want to buy?” he asked with a devious grin.
“Oh, hmm, that special thing. I mean, if you still have some.”
That was way too easy. “I’m running a bit low but that’s your lucky day. I still have some left, but it will cost you an extra. You know how it works.”
“Oh, yes, of course, I understand.”
He put a leg around her neck. “That’s great, we are made to get along you and I.”
“However, I’m afraid I’m too running a bit low on bits,” said the pegasus sheepishly. “You see, I just finished my groceries. But I have what’s needed at home if you follow me. I mean, if you want to,” she added, hiding herself behind her mane.
“Of course, of course,” he jubilated, thinking about how easy this mare was to fleece. “Lead the way.”
He followed the pegasus, enjoying the good view during the short walk.
He thought the mare was probably still living with her parents and needed something to get away from her boring life. He still couldn’t believe how naive she seemed to be.
When they arrived, the mare opened the door and pointed inside. “Please, make yourself at home.”
He entered, his smile still plastered on his face. It dropped when he saw that inside was a little bunny looking at him, with a disturbing smile. He had only seen this smile once or two, on ponies’ face, when a rival dealer wanted to ‘take care of him’.
Suddenly, the door slammed. He turned his head and didn’t see the pegasus’ face as he expected. Instead, there was the face of a bear, and that’s the last thing he saw.
That’s a lesson a young, greedy stallion learned the hard way. Let me tell you about his unfortunate fate.
Once upon a time, a foolish pony had fled Canterlot and its police. Dealing butterfly powder wasn’t legal at the time, and his greediness had started drawing the police’s attention. So he had decided his presence was requested somewhere else, preferably in a small town, far from any law enforcement official.
That’s why when he saw the little Ponyville, he thought there wasn’t any better place to start again his little business.
I should mention this stallion was also foolish.
So he started doing what he did best; establishing contacts with the locals to see who would be interested in his stuff. Surprisingly, there weren’t any pony interested. In fact, each time he mentioned ‘butterfly powder’, every pony was looking at him like if he was a ghost.
“These ponies have never heard about having a good time?” he wondered after the twelfth pony.
As he meandered through the marketplace, he saw a young mare running an apple stand. After a good look, he noticed by her muscles she was probably a farmer, something not really appealing for most pony, but the stallion wasn’t really picky. Moreover, his business required some flirting skills, a thing he had mastered through the years of practise.
“Maybe I will have a chance to plow her field,” he thought with a smirk.
So he did his routine, but the longer he spoke, the higher the mare’s eyebrow was, and she cut him short in the middle of a sentence. “For your own sake, I will tell you this only once. Leave now.”
Getting knocked back that hard surprised him. Who was this mare? Was she gay or something?
He left her here and resumed his meandering, still hoping to find at least one pony to sell some powder.
He had only taken a few steps when another mare came to him. She was a yellow pegasus by the sweet name of Fluttershy.
“Hmm, excuse me, sir?” she told him. He turned his head. “I heard that, hmm, you were selling something?”
The stallion giggled. If the former mare was bulky, this one was her complete opposite. Tall, skinny, with one of the softest voice he had ever heard. An easy prey.
“It depends. What do you want to buy?” he asked with a devious grin.
“Oh, hmm, that special thing. I mean, if you still have some.”
That was way too easy. “I’m running a bit low but that’s your lucky day. I still have some left, but it will cost you an extra. You know how it works.”
“Oh, yes, of course, I understand.”
He put a leg around her neck. “That’s great, we are made to get along you and I.”
“However, I’m afraid I’m too running a bit low on bits,” said the pegasus sheepishly. “You see, I just finished my groceries. But I have what’s needed at home if you follow me. I mean, if you want to,” she added, hiding herself behind her mane.
“Of course, of course,” he jubilated, thinking about how easy this mare was to fleece. “Lead the way.”
He followed the pegasus, enjoying the good view during the short walk.
He thought the mare was probably still living with her parents and needed something to get away from her boring life. He still couldn’t believe how naive she seemed to be.
When they arrived, the mare opened the door and pointed inside. “Please, make yourself at home.”
He entered, his smile still plastered on his face. It dropped when he saw that inside was a little bunny looking at him, with a disturbing smile. He had only seen this smile once or two, on ponies’ face, when a rival dealer wanted to ‘take care of him’.
Suddenly, the door slammed. He turned his head and didn’t see the pegasus’ face as he expected. Instead, there was the face of a bear, and that’s the last thing he saw.
Hmm. I think you could drop everything before the first line break and not lose anything. Your overall vaguely-storybook tone is nice, but occasionally clashes with the much more modern thoughts and attitudes of its subject - it shouldn't be too difficult to rewrite that slightly so it's more coherently fairy-tale if you want. Finally, the ending is a little straightforward. So much of the story is buildup and then it just resolves in a way that makes sense but isn't sharply clever.
That's a lot of criticism, sorry. I appreciate the overall outlines of what you're writing here, but it just didn't come together in quite the right way for me--I feel like I got lost in the weeds focusing on specific writing quirks that I'd do differently and didn't appreciate your overall piece. Maybe others will like it more!
That's a lot of criticism, sorry. I appreciate the overall outlines of what you're writing here, but it just didn't come together in quite the right way for me--I feel like I got lost in the weeds focusing on specific writing quirks that I'd do differently and didn't appreciate your overall piece. Maybe others will like it more!
Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews.
As >>sharpspark mentionned, there is a clash between the storybook tone and the stallion being a bit of pervert. Choose one and keep it through the whole story.
Aside from that, you have you structure, a complete arc with a resolution. What the story says, however, isn't that appealing. I mean it's okay I guess but nothing really memorable. I'm sure this can be improved with some time and more words.
Thank you for sharing.
As >>sharpspark mentionned, there is a clash between the storybook tone and the stallion being a bit of pervert. Choose one and keep it through the whole story.
Aside from that, you have you structure, a complete arc with a resolution. What the story says, however, isn't that appealing. I mean it's okay I guess but nothing really memorable. I'm sure this can be improved with some time and more words.
Thank you for sharing.
Actually, yeah, to come back to this with just a couple of suggestions after talking with some people about this fic...
I think this could really work if you put in a subversion one way or another. Like the absurd would be Fluttershy revealing that she's gotta get rid of this dude because he's dealing Butterfly Dust on her turf and best not step if you don't wanna get rubbed out. Or the more show-tone would be for him to wind up in the cottage with Fluttershy serving tea and talking about 'Oh! I don't even know what Butterfly Dust does, does it make their wings sparklier??' while Angel and the bear are giving him death glares and he's scared stiff.
As it is, it ends but not quite with enough of a turn to really satisfy the reader. You're almost there though!
I think this could really work if you put in a subversion one way or another. Like the absurd would be Fluttershy revealing that she's gotta get rid of this dude because he's dealing Butterfly Dust on her turf and best not step if you don't wanna get rubbed out. Or the more show-tone would be for him to wind up in the cottage with Fluttershy serving tea and talking about 'Oh! I don't even know what Butterfly Dust does, does it make their wings sparklier??' while Angel and the bear are giving him death glares and he's scared stiff.
As it is, it ends but not quite with enough of a turn to really satisfy the reader. You're almost there though!
I'm... honestly left a little confused about the actual thrust of this story. The why, as it were. I get the shape of it, but I'm not really sure why Fluttershy is apparently hardcore gangster here (as seems to be implied, at least) and why her reach apparently covers all of Ponyville. Alternate takes are fine, obviously, but you need to contextualize what's going on a bit. Like, even at teh end, we're left pretty in the dark.
The storybook framework is rather odd, particularly because it actually spoils the ending. This is not to say it is totally untelegraphed even without the opening, but it does assure that we know the punchline, 100%, is coming and the general shape of it. I'd suggest removing that framework or leaning way, way harder into it.
The storybook framework is rather odd, particularly because it actually spoils the ending. This is not to say it is totally untelegraphed even without the opening, but it does assure that we know the punchline, 100%, is coming and the general shape of it. I'd suggest removing that framework or leaning way, way harder into it.
This is a very well-written piece of prose, but it isn't obvious what the theme is supposed to be. I suspect your trimming accidentally cut that vital bit out of the story.
So, guessing time! There are four possible scenarios that make sense to me.
Option one: Fluttershy is a dealer in the same substance. This doesn't match Ponyville's environs, or anypony's reaction in the setting, and it's the most out-of-character idea. So it can't be that.
Option two: Fluttershy killed him because he was a drug dealer. This doesn't match the fact that the drug is illegal, so it would be easier—and much more in-character—for her to turn him in, especially given her connections with authority figures. It also doesn't match the fact that the drug is harmless enough to be legal in the future, when the story is told, nor the fact that the dealer isn't targeting children or anyone who doesn't specifically want what he's peddling.
Option three: Fluttershy's animals know more about what this guy is doing than she does, or else they're drug dealers themselves, so they dispatch him without her knowledge. This is more in-character, but it doesn't make sense because there is no support for this in the story, and it seems obvious that Fluttershy is intentionally baiting him to get him to the cottage.
Option four, which I favor the most: Fluttershy believes butterfly powder is made from butterflies, so she has her pets murder him to stop the genocide. There isn't any support in the story for this, exactly, but it's the best guess I have.
Great story, but without more of a clue for the reader, we have no idea why the story ended that way. As far as I know, all four of my guesses are wrong. Let us know in the retro!
EDIT: Also I agree with Posh, drop the first section entirely.
EDIT EDIT: I didn't get the cutie mark relationship until just now. That should add weight to option one, but it's still the most ridiculous of the theories.
So, guessing time! There are four possible scenarios that make sense to me.
Option one: Fluttershy is a dealer in the same substance. This doesn't match Ponyville's environs, or anypony's reaction in the setting, and it's the most out-of-character idea. So it can't be that.
Option two: Fluttershy killed him because he was a drug dealer. This doesn't match the fact that the drug is illegal, so it would be easier—and much more in-character—for her to turn him in, especially given her connections with authority figures. It also doesn't match the fact that the drug is harmless enough to be legal in the future, when the story is told, nor the fact that the dealer isn't targeting children or anyone who doesn't specifically want what he's peddling.
Option three: Fluttershy's animals know more about what this guy is doing than she does, or else they're drug dealers themselves, so they dispatch him without her knowledge. This is more in-character, but it doesn't make sense because there is no support for this in the story, and it seems obvious that Fluttershy is intentionally baiting him to get him to the cottage.
Option four, which I favor the most: Fluttershy believes butterfly powder is made from butterflies, so she has her pets murder him to stop the genocide. There isn't any support in the story for this, exactly, but it's the best guess I have.
Great story, but without more of a clue for the reader, we have no idea why the story ended that way. As far as I know, all four of my guesses are wrong. Let us know in the retro!
EDIT: Also I agree with Posh, drop the first section entirely.
EDIT EDIT: I didn't get the cutie mark relationship until just now. That should add weight to option one, but it's still the most ridiculous of the theories.
>>Trick_Question
I... have yet to review this story. Although I agree that the first section should be dropped.
do you have The Sight
Anyway, this story's whole thing appears to be setting up and playing around with the reader's expectations based on their perceptions of Fluttershy's character. The joke is that Fluttershy is a murderous drug dealer, which runs contrary to her portrayal on the show. It's the last thing anyone would see coming.
I get it. It's packaged well. But the joke didn't land with me. Sorry to say, author.
Also I agree with Posh, drop the first section entirely.
I... have yet to review this story. Although I agree that the first section should be dropped.
do you have The Sight
Anyway, this story's whole thing appears to be setting up and playing around with the reader's expectations based on their perceptions of Fluttershy's character. The joke is that Fluttershy is a murderous drug dealer, which runs contrary to her portrayal on the show. It's the last thing anyone would see coming.
I get it. It's packaged well. But the joke didn't land with me. Sorry to say, author.
I think >>sharpspark is >>Posh most of the time, but I do have The Sight. I use it to avoid hitting The Door with The Face.
Same as all the rest on the content here. A different tone (noir or crime drama instead of storybook) would be more effective, and I would have liked greater clarity on what exactly Fluttershy's deal (so to speak) is here. The obvious implication is that she's a dealer, but the rest of the town hasn't even heard of butterfly dust, so maybe she's just a very effective vigilante who keeps Ponyville drug-free?
The prose has a number of technical errors, odd phrasings, and unusual word choices like "jubilated." It's not too jarring, and feels like English might not be the author's native language, so this didn't bother me too much mid-read. I don't have the time to do a close proofread right now (and technical prose isn't my greatest strength anyway), but you might want to ask around the Discord later and get someone to help with that.
On the bright side, this is a good concept length for the minific format, and its basic narrative arc is executed well. You have some solid fundamentals here, which I love seeing. Keep working on the details, and thanks for writing!
The prose has a number of technical errors, odd phrasings, and unusual word choices like "jubilated." It's not too jarring, and feels like English might not be the author's native language, so this didn't bother me too much mid-read. I don't have the time to do a close proofread right now (and technical prose isn't my greatest strength anyway), but you might want to ask around the Discord later and get someone to help with that.
On the bright side, this is a good concept length for the minific format, and its basic narrative arc is executed well. You have some solid fundamentals here, which I love seeing. Keep working on the details, and thanks for writing!
Dealing with retrospective
See >>Fenton for the writing context. Just to add something, this was written at 11 am, while I was fighting sleep (I hadn't slept for 20 hours and I still needed to stay awake for 9 hours)
I'm surprised this story wasn't obvious for many people. But after all, that's not the first time I get that comment, and I'm still working on it.
So yes, Fluttershy is a drug dealer, and the stallion is trying to sell his stuff on her territory. That's the reason of his fate. No one mess with Dealershy.
About the tone of the story, I wanted to experiment a book tone, but alas, I didn't find a good way to tie it closer to the story. I'll probably get rid of it in the expanded version, that was a dumb idea, probably due to the lack of sleep.>>sharpspark
>>sharpspark
>>sharpspark
I addressed a lot of things above. The tone of the story is clearly something I didn't manage to get right.
>>AndrewRogue
Fluttershy is hardcore gangster because. And because of the first line. Yeah, not the smartest thing I ever write.
The fact that the very first lines ruin the ending was a tought choice. I add some foreshadowing along the story
But since I often get comment like "I don't get what the story tells", I choose to be obvious. Probably a bit too much.
>>Trick_Question
O_o Vicotry, yay! Thank you!
As for the story, Fluttershy is a 'Butterfly Dust' dealer, and the stallion tries to deal on her territory.
About your fourth option, it's a complete different story, but still a very interesting one. I may use it when I'll rework this shit.
>>Posh
That's okay if the joke didn't land for you. I didn't have enough time to put a lot of efforts into this, so that's not really a surprise.
>>Ranmilia
I'm curious to hear what made you think that way. In my mind, ponies know what it is, but they are too scared of Fluttershy to even think of buying him stuff.
Good, that's definitely a plus. It shows that I can manage to do that, even if only have a little more than an hour.
Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be something big, just a story my depraved sleep mind came up with while I was struggling to stay awake. I still thank you for your inputs, it's always great to see what can improved, even for a little shit like this.
Good luck to the finalists.
See >>Fenton for the writing context. Just to add something, this was written at 11 am, while I was fighting sleep (I hadn't slept for 20 hours and I still needed to stay awake for 9 hours)
I'm surprised this story wasn't obvious for many people. But after all, that's not the first time I get that comment, and I'm still working on it.
So yes, Fluttershy is a drug dealer, and the stallion is trying to sell his stuff on her territory. That's the reason of his fate. No one mess with Dealershy.
About the tone of the story, I wanted to experiment a book tone, but alas, I didn't find a good way to tie it closer to the story. I'll probably get rid of it in the expanded version, that was a dumb idea, probably due to the lack of sleep.>>sharpspark
>>sharpspark
>>sharpspark
I addressed a lot of things above. The tone of the story is clearly something I didn't manage to get right.
>>AndrewRogue
Fluttershy is hardcore gangster because. And because of the first line. Yeah, not the smartest thing I ever write.
The fact that the very first lines ruin the ending was a tought choice. I add some foreshadowing along the story
-every pony was looking at him like if he was a ghost.
-“For your own sake, I will tell you this only once. Leave now.”
But since I often get comment like "I don't get what the story tells", I choose to be obvious. Probably a bit too much.
>>Trick_Question
This is a very well-written piece of prose
O_o Vicotry, yay! Thank you!
As for the story, Fluttershy is a 'Butterfly Dust' dealer, and the stallion tries to deal on her territory.
About your fourth option, it's a complete different story, but still a very interesting one. I may use it when I'll rework this shit.
>>Posh
That's okay if the joke didn't land for you. I didn't have enough time to put a lot of efforts into this, so that's not really a surprise.
>>Ranmilia
the rest of the town hasn't even heard of butterfly dust
I'm curious to hear what made you think that way. In my mind, ponies know what it is, but they are too scared of Fluttershy to even think of buying him stuff.
On the bright side, this is a good concept length for the minific format, and its basic narrative arc is executed well.
Good, that's definitely a plus. It shows that I can manage to do that, even if only have a little more than an hour.
Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be something big, just a story my depraved sleep mind came up with while I was struggling to stay awake. I still thank you for your inputs, it's always great to see what can improved, even for a little shit like this.
Good luck to the finalists.
>>Fenton
For the record, I ranked this story in my top half. It might have been in my top five if the intent was both clear and in-character.
For the record, I ranked this story in my top half. It might have been in my top five if the intent was both clear and in-character.
>>sharpspark
>>Posh
Also I think of Rarity as being 'posh', and you have Rarijack as your icon on FF, Posh, so that doesn't help not confuse wolves here. It's like Morning Sun using Pinkie Pie as her icon when that's not nearly her favorite ponus.
>>Posh
Also I think of Rarity as being 'posh', and you have Rarijack as your icon on FF, Posh, so that doesn't help not confuse wolves here. It's like Morning Sun using Pinkie Pie as her icon when that's not nearly her favorite ponus.
>>Fenton
I took this section more literally than intended, I suppose.
Like Trick, this was in the top half of my prelim votes. Happy trails!
In fact, each time he mentioned ‘butterfly powder’, every pony was looking at him like if he was a ghost.
“These ponies have never heard about having a good time?” he wondered after the twelfth pony.
I took this section more literally than intended, I suppose.
Like Trick, this was in the top half of my prelim votes. Happy trails!