Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
To Be Seen And Not Heard
“Great rehearsal!” I say to Torch Song as we leave Carousel Boutique. And it was great. I always have the spot almost at the far end from her, but her voice still carries down to me, lyrical like a songbird.
“Thanks, Toe Tapper.” She doesn’t smile.
I say that all the time, but does she even take me seriously? She’s really good!
“I mean it. You should be a professional.” I’ve never really thought about it before, but what strikes me the most is how effortlessly she sings. The best always can. Not that she doesn’t put in the work! Whenever I walk past her house on the way to the market, I hear her practicing. And she doesn’t struggle with it like I do, or anypony else I know. Music flows from her without a thought, at her beck and call.
But still no smile. Well, on on her lips, but her body disagrees. She veers off and sits on one of the benches near the well, with that oversized pony statue staring down at us. “I tried once.”
News to me. But good for her! Nopony makes it on the first try, or so everypony says.
“And?” Who could ever deny that talent? Beautiful voice, and she puts her whole soul into it. Any record exec who misses that doesn’t deserve his job. Fluke thing, he had a bad day, or something like that.
She somehow squeezes her whole body in, and gone is that constant air of confidence. “N-no, it didn’t work out.” She looks so small.
So I finally sit down beside her. “I know, show business is cutthroat. Don’t let it get to you. Just ’cause one guy didn’t have enough sense—”
“I didn’t—” She sighs sharply and shakes her head, the beads in her hair seeming to trail sparks as they glint in the wan light leaking from the town’s hibernating buildings. And the one braid whipping around as if she were the self-flagellating type. Well… she does get very down on herself at times. It’s rare, but I can see it in her eyes: something hollow, deep—ripples in a subterranean lake, undulating into the darkness until they disturb something that shouldn’t be.
After a moment of silence, she finally says: “I didn’t stop there. I tried a couple of other recording companies. Same answer.”
Though I notice she didn’t exactly tell me the answer. She glances down at her flank, her braid once again flogging her ear. And it leaves her mane pointed at me, all done up in its bun. I often wonder how it would look if she let it down.
Another jewel shines in the sparse light—no, she… she’s crying. “As they put it, ‘Somepony short and fat isn’t very marketable.’”
My stomach writhes. I could say so many things, but she’d take most of them the wrong way. “Well, I think you’re pretty.”
She returns a wry smile, but of course that doesn’t solve her problem. There has to be a way.
“Look,” I cast about, “remember what we did with Fluttershy? It worked! Ponies loved her singing, and when they saw it was actually her, they transferred that love right to her, no problem. We can do that—set up an audition, we’ll find a stand-in, and then you’ve got your hoof in the door—”
“Don’t you think I would have come up with that idea already?” She sits up as tall as she can, as proper as a concert pianist, and sucks in her belly. I catch her doing that occasionally.
I raise an eyebrow at her. She just got too nervous and couldn’t make herself go through with it, I bet. “But why wouldn’t that do the trick?”
Immediately, she turns her head back toward me, her eyes casting out an entreaty I can’t answer. “They never even heard me sing. Wouldn’t listen. Took one look at me and turned me down. The singing doesn’t matter. It never mattered.”
“But that’s why we switch—”
“You said it yourself,” she squeaks out. “When everypony saw it was Fluttershy.”
I can only stare back, open-mouthed. I don’t understand.
“Tapper, don’t you get it? Don’t you remember? Fluttershy was a model.” The silence eats any response I could give. “When they saw the Ponytones on my resume, the interviewers asked after her instead.”
I shuffle my hooves against the limp, dewy grass for a moment. “It matters to me.” She really is pretty. But I don’t say it out loud.
“Thanks, Toe Tapper.” She doesn’t smile.
I say that all the time, but does she even take me seriously? She’s really good!
“I mean it. You should be a professional.” I’ve never really thought about it before, but what strikes me the most is how effortlessly she sings. The best always can. Not that she doesn’t put in the work! Whenever I walk past her house on the way to the market, I hear her practicing. And she doesn’t struggle with it like I do, or anypony else I know. Music flows from her without a thought, at her beck and call.
But still no smile. Well, on on her lips, but her body disagrees. She veers off and sits on one of the benches near the well, with that oversized pony statue staring down at us. “I tried once.”
News to me. But good for her! Nopony makes it on the first try, or so everypony says.
“And?” Who could ever deny that talent? Beautiful voice, and she puts her whole soul into it. Any record exec who misses that doesn’t deserve his job. Fluke thing, he had a bad day, or something like that.
She somehow squeezes her whole body in, and gone is that constant air of confidence. “N-no, it didn’t work out.” She looks so small.
So I finally sit down beside her. “I know, show business is cutthroat. Don’t let it get to you. Just ’cause one guy didn’t have enough sense—”
“I didn’t—” She sighs sharply and shakes her head, the beads in her hair seeming to trail sparks as they glint in the wan light leaking from the town’s hibernating buildings. And the one braid whipping around as if she were the self-flagellating type. Well… she does get very down on herself at times. It’s rare, but I can see it in her eyes: something hollow, deep—ripples in a subterranean lake, undulating into the darkness until they disturb something that shouldn’t be.
After a moment of silence, she finally says: “I didn’t stop there. I tried a couple of other recording companies. Same answer.”
Though I notice she didn’t exactly tell me the answer. She glances down at her flank, her braid once again flogging her ear. And it leaves her mane pointed at me, all done up in its bun. I often wonder how it would look if she let it down.
Another jewel shines in the sparse light—no, she… she’s crying. “As they put it, ‘Somepony short and fat isn’t very marketable.’”
My stomach writhes. I could say so many things, but she’d take most of them the wrong way. “Well, I think you’re pretty.”
She returns a wry smile, but of course that doesn’t solve her problem. There has to be a way.
“Look,” I cast about, “remember what we did with Fluttershy? It worked! Ponies loved her singing, and when they saw it was actually her, they transferred that love right to her, no problem. We can do that—set up an audition, we’ll find a stand-in, and then you’ve got your hoof in the door—”
“Don’t you think I would have come up with that idea already?” She sits up as tall as she can, as proper as a concert pianist, and sucks in her belly. I catch her doing that occasionally.
I raise an eyebrow at her. She just got too nervous and couldn’t make herself go through with it, I bet. “But why wouldn’t that do the trick?”
Immediately, she turns her head back toward me, her eyes casting out an entreaty I can’t answer. “They never even heard me sing. Wouldn’t listen. Took one look at me and turned me down. The singing doesn’t matter. It never mattered.”
“But that’s why we switch—”
“You said it yourself,” she squeaks out. “When everypony saw it was Fluttershy.”
I can only stare back, open-mouthed. I don’t understand.
“Tapper, don’t you get it? Don’t you remember? Fluttershy was a model.” The silence eats any response I could give. “When they saw the Ponytones on my resume, the interviewers asked after her instead.”
I shuffle my hooves against the limp, dewy grass for a moment. “It matters to me.” She really is pretty. But I don’t say it out loud.
I'm reminded of something George Carlin said once, it goes something like this: "I wonder how many great singers never were discovered because they were too ugly to perform in front of people."
What's presented here is good, there's some real conflict here, but we don't get a real resolution to it. It wouldn't have needed much more, just a small heartwarming moment between Torch Song and Toe Tapper that gave us a bit of catharsis. Maybe he manages to cheer her up, maybe they decide to try again and fight for a real chance, maybe they decide to go independent, anything to wrap up the story.
As it stands it just sort of...stops. There's no real arc to the characters, and the conflict just lingers on. Which is a real pity, because I think the story itself is really good.
I hope you expand this into a more complete story, author. I'll be sure to read it then.
What's presented here is good, there's some real conflict here, but we don't get a real resolution to it. It wouldn't have needed much more, just a small heartwarming moment between Torch Song and Toe Tapper that gave us a bit of catharsis. Maybe he manages to cheer her up, maybe they decide to try again and fight for a real chance, maybe they decide to go independent, anything to wrap up the story.
As it stands it just sort of...stops. There's no real arc to the characters, and the conflict just lingers on. Which is a real pity, because I think the story itself is really good.
I hope you expand this into a more complete story, author. I'll be sure to read it then.
This feels a lot more like a scene than a story. Which is, of course, a bit of a fuzzy distinction, but hey. This is really just an event that happens without any real resolution. Contrasting it against "Little by Little," for example, that one ends us with a sense of progression. A small one, admittedly, but things have changed in some way by the end of the story. Here... we end up in more or less the same place, and I don't think there is a sense of finality to this state (which would be an acceptable ending as well, IMO).
That said, it is a well constructed piece with a solid conflict and some real heart. I do think Toe Tapper comes off a little... odd? I actually thought he was Tender Taps, as his internal monologue comes off as a bit spastic and childish? It isn't necessarily a bad characterization, it just threw me off.
That said, it is a well constructed piece with a solid conflict and some real heart. I do think Toe Tapper comes off a little... odd? I actually thought he was Tender Taps, as his internal monologue comes off as a bit spastic and childish? It isn't necessarily a bad characterization, it just threw me off.
This is very good. I disagree with >>Zaid Val'Roa and >>AndrewRogue about this not being a full story. It has an excellent build, climax, and denouement.
One area that seems like it might use improvement (to me) is that the purple parts are also a little too telly. You don't need to insert that many value judgments from the protagonist, even though the story is about their point of view. Give the reader some of that responsibility, at least.
One area that seems like it might use improvement (to me) is that the purple parts are also a little too telly. You don't need to insert that many value judgments from the protagonist, even though the story is about their point of view. Give the reader some of that responsibility, at least.
I agree with Trick, I think this does have a complete arc.
However I think it's a bit slow and loses some effectiveness. it spends too much time in the middle, explaining how things went wrong in the past, and it could've used some of that space to make the ending feel bigger, more emotional. Toe Tapper's reaction at the end is the important moment to seal the deal, but it feels like so much of the story focuses on what didn't happen, so the characters feel too passive.
it seems like the pony world is even harsher than ours? not that I have experience with record companies, but I assume they'd still give you a listen even if you're not perfectly beautiful (unless of course you're trying to be a teen idol, where appearance is everything). there's some ugly professional musicians out there. the part where they were more interested in her association with Fluttershy, that I can see happening, and it adds a little depth to this story idea.
However I think it's a bit slow and loses some effectiveness. it spends too much time in the middle, explaining how things went wrong in the past, and it could've used some of that space to make the ending feel bigger, more emotional. Toe Tapper's reaction at the end is the important moment to seal the deal, but it feels like so much of the story focuses on what didn't happen, so the characters feel too passive.
it seems like the pony world is even harsher than ours? not that I have experience with record companies, but I assume they'd still give you a listen even if you're not perfectly beautiful (unless of course you're trying to be a teen idol, where appearance is everything). there's some ugly professional musicians out there. the part where they were more interested in her association with Fluttershy, that I can see happening, and it adds a little depth to this story idea.
Hrrrrm. What is the primary focus of this piece? I think there are two somewhat different ways to look at it.
A. The piece is about Torch Song and her failed (or at least stalled) career. Toe Tapper is a framing device with a couple of lines, not a very important character. Action begins with Torch failing to get a record deal because she's ugly, moves on to a comparison about Fluttershy, and ends on... one sentence about the Ponytones? There isn't a clear ending section, and the tone throughout everything remains static: Torch Song's sad and can't get a record deal because she's ugly. Overall does not feel like a complete story.
B. The piece is about Torch Song and Toe Tapper's relationship. Toe Tapper is the protagonist, and the narrative thread is about him being in love with Torch and trying to communicate with her. Action begins on them coming out of the rehearsal, moves on to Torch telling her story on the bench and Toe trying to give her an uplifting idea, and ends with Torch shooting him down, while he resolves to keep trying because he loves her. This version does have a complete narrative arc, but throughout a lot of the piece, especially the middle sections, it's extremely underdelivered and very hard to actually see this as the focus as opposed to version A.
In its current state, these versions are in competition with each other. I think B might be the intended read, but A is the read that actually comes out on the page, most of the time.
It would be better if they were merged somehow. Less exposition, more interaction. Torch's responses are very monotone, she doesn't seem to care about Toe Tapper or even really respond to him because she's so busy expositing her own story. More responsiveness and a stronger ending would do a lot for the piece.
Another issue I noticed is that this doesn't feel very pony. Other than the shaky Fluttershy tie, which could easily be changed to "my cousin who's a shy model," you could tweak the names and submit this to Original Minis as realistic fiction and no one would suspect a thing.
But then - there are plenty of unphotogenic musicians out there in our world! Go to Youtube and check out, say, the Nuclear Blast Records feed, and you'll see quite a few short, fat, or otherwise not conventionally beautiful female vocalists. Like Haze says, having the pony world be even harsher than ours in this regard feels very jarring. It's enough of a problem to make me feel skeptical of the conceit in general, let alone in Equestria.
So I think this one got a bit off the hook. Technical side is good, if a little purple. (This is clearly one of the more experienced participants, so my critique has been adjusted a bit in that direction.) Clean up the reader direction and character responsiveness, always question your premise, and long live Beck//Call in Modern. Thanks for writing!
A. The piece is about Torch Song and her failed (or at least stalled) career. Toe Tapper is a framing device with a couple of lines, not a very important character. Action begins with Torch failing to get a record deal because she's ugly, moves on to a comparison about Fluttershy, and ends on... one sentence about the Ponytones? There isn't a clear ending section, and the tone throughout everything remains static: Torch Song's sad and can't get a record deal because she's ugly. Overall does not feel like a complete story.
B. The piece is about Torch Song and Toe Tapper's relationship. Toe Tapper is the protagonist, and the narrative thread is about him being in love with Torch and trying to communicate with her. Action begins on them coming out of the rehearsal, moves on to Torch telling her story on the bench and Toe trying to give her an uplifting idea, and ends with Torch shooting him down, while he resolves to keep trying because he loves her. This version does have a complete narrative arc, but throughout a lot of the piece, especially the middle sections, it's extremely underdelivered and very hard to actually see this as the focus as opposed to version A.
In its current state, these versions are in competition with each other. I think B might be the intended read, but A is the read that actually comes out on the page, most of the time.
It would be better if they were merged somehow. Less exposition, more interaction. Torch's responses are very monotone, she doesn't seem to care about Toe Tapper or even really respond to him because she's so busy expositing her own story. More responsiveness and a stronger ending would do a lot for the piece.
Another issue I noticed is that this doesn't feel very pony. Other than the shaky Fluttershy tie, which could easily be changed to "my cousin who's a shy model," you could tweak the names and submit this to Original Minis as realistic fiction and no one would suspect a thing.
But then - there are plenty of unphotogenic musicians out there in our world! Go to Youtube and check out, say, the Nuclear Blast Records feed, and you'll see quite a few short, fat, or otherwise not conventionally beautiful female vocalists. Like Haze says, having the pony world be even harsher than ours in this regard feels very jarring. It's enough of a problem to make me feel skeptical of the conceit in general, let alone in Equestria.
So I think this one got a bit off the hook. Technical side is good, if a little purple. (This is clearly one of the more experienced participants, so my critique has been adjusted a bit in that direction.) Clean up the reader direction and character responsiveness, always question your premise, and long live Beck//Call in Modern. Thanks for writing!
People have already batted this back and forth, and I want to get my slate done, so I'm going to piggyback. :-p
In brief, I find the stallion's pining reassurance of the mare to be poignant. Her conflict could be stronger by letting us see more of it play out rather than just having it described. Also, the end is abrupt. But with more development I could see this blossoming.
Tier: Needs Work
In brief, I find the stallion's pining reassurance of the mare to be poignant. Her conflict could be stronger by letting us see more of it play out rather than just having it described. Also, the end is abrupt. But with more development I could see this blossoming.
Tier: Needs Work
I liked this and agree with Trick that this actually does have a complete arc. That being said, I do feel like the focus of the piece could be strengthened - I do agree with Ranmillia's first point, that this story has two obvious central plots (which is actually a good thing) and the two mesh together, but could be made to do so even more strongly.
I disagree with >>Ranmilia that this didn't feel pony - the whole thing was very clearly playing off of two minor characters from the show, made good use of Fluttershy for contrast, and while it is a tonally darker look at the world, can also serve somewhat as reinforcing the central idea here (which is that physical attractiveness makes the world look at you differently). The context of the situation we know from the show (including that we know that the character is good at singing) helps.
Overall this is a good piece, and I feel that with some minor polishing this could shine very brightly. This went up towards the top of my slate.
I disagree with >>Ranmilia that this didn't feel pony - the whole thing was very clearly playing off of two minor characters from the show, made good use of Fluttershy for contrast, and while it is a tonally darker look at the world, can also serve somewhat as reinforcing the central idea here (which is that physical attractiveness makes the world look at you differently). The context of the situation we know from the show (including that we know that the character is good at singing) helps.
Overall this is a good piece, and I feel that with some minor polishing this could shine very brightly. This went up towards the top of my slate.
>>TitaniumDragon
Oh, these characters actually exist? I assumed they were OCs. That does help it, yeah.
Oh, these characters actually exist? I assumed they were OCs. That does help it, yeah.