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I still can't type, so I did this review with computer dictation. Sorry if it's short, this is kind of a pain to work with.
So, I think this is Fluttershy, talking to Rarity, about Flutterbat? Mostly because of some specific phrases (draining away the apples, give up your tail for a sea serpent), and the first few lines. It has some rhyming, like a poem, but it doesn't seem to be metered. Overall it's rather obscure, with some odd imagery. What's with the "slither" thing?
In the end, I had to read it several times to get any idea of what was going on, and even now I've built my conjectures mostly on fragments and pieces. I don't usually like things that are this vague. At least the second-person kinda sorta worked for me, possibly because the poetry elements suggested this was addressed to a more general audience?
I think there's a certain type of person who might really enjoy this sort of story. Maybe quill scratch? :P Still, thanks for writing.
So, I think this is Fluttershy, talking to Rarity, about Flutterbat? Mostly because of some specific phrases (draining away the apples, give up your tail for a sea serpent), and the first few lines. It has some rhyming, like a poem, but it doesn't seem to be metered. Overall it's rather obscure, with some odd imagery. What's with the "slither" thing?
In the end, I had to read it several times to get any idea of what was going on, and even now I've built my conjectures mostly on fragments and pieces. I don't usually like things that are this vague. At least the second-person kinda sorta worked for me, possibly because the poetry elements suggested this was addressed to a more general audience?
I think there's a certain type of person who might really enjoy this sort of story. Maybe quill scratch? :P Still, thanks for writing.
I enjoyed it, more than I thought when I saw the second person narration at first.
If I got it right, this Flutterbat speaking to Rarity and how hard it is for her to rejoyce in their love, considering her 'condition'. Don't know if this is meant to be some sort of poetry like >>Not_A_Hat said, but the pace definitely plays in the story's favor.
Moreover, the ending is kinda heartwarming. We understand that their relatiobnship (romantic? just friends?) has a way to work. Accepting yourself is easier when you have someone to show you how wrong you are to assume that this part of yourself is bad/ugly/terrible etc...
Thank you for sharing, you'll end up in the very high mid-tier.
If I got it right, this Flutterbat speaking to Rarity and how hard it is for her to rejoyce in their love, considering her 'condition'. Don't know if this is meant to be some sort of poetry like >>Not_A_Hat said, but the pace definitely plays in the story's favor.
Moreover, the ending is kinda heartwarming. We understand that their relatiobnship (romantic? just friends?) has a way to work. Accepting yourself is easier when you have someone to show you how wrong you are to assume that this part of yourself is bad/ugly/terrible etc...
Thank you for sharing, you'll end up in the very high mid-tier.
So, there is something to be said for the fact that the Writeoff is a bit unfair to stories that are more subtle and require nuance, simply because of the nature of the Writeoff. Minimum I'm reading 16 stories and commenting on them, so if I'm busy, even as minis, that's not necessarily a lot of time for each story. It gets worse when you're doing something like trying to clear the whole board before finals, as that really puts the time crunch on, even if I am spending my evenings on this.
This is a long way of saying that some stories need multiple reads to really appreciate, and a busy round like this (for me) is bad time for a complicated story as I don't really have the time or inclination to sit down and do multiple reads to try and parse stuff.
That said, I have tried that a bit here to do multiple reads and the ultimate conclusion I have is that I agree with the above assessments of the likely content and... otherwise don't really feel the value of trying to parse it further is there. Which is a bit of a problem. I mean, the story reads well and has a nice musical rhythm and you can get the sense of it, but the amount of work it feels like it takes to really get at what the story is (probably) about just doesn't feel quite worth it. You can get the general emotional beats fine, and getting past the curtain of obfuscation won't really add anything as near as I can see.
This is not to say don't do this sort of thing, but if you do want, I think you either need to super slam dunk the format (boo partial free verse! :P Nice prose, but I like my poetry rigorously formatted... or my music set to music) or have some really tight, intriguing mystery that I MUST solve.
This is a long way of saying that some stories need multiple reads to really appreciate, and a busy round like this (for me) is bad time for a complicated story as I don't really have the time or inclination to sit down and do multiple reads to try and parse stuff.
That said, I have tried that a bit here to do multiple reads and the ultimate conclusion I have is that I agree with the above assessments of the likely content and... otherwise don't really feel the value of trying to parse it further is there. Which is a bit of a problem. I mean, the story reads well and has a nice musical rhythm and you can get the sense of it, but the amount of work it feels like it takes to really get at what the story is (probably) about just doesn't feel quite worth it. You can get the general emotional beats fine, and getting past the curtain of obfuscation won't really add anything as near as I can see.
This is not to say don't do this sort of thing, but if you do want, I think you either need to super slam dunk the format (boo partial free verse! :P Nice prose, but I like my poetry rigorously formatted... or my music set to music) or have some really tight, intriguing mystery that I MUST solve.
What's a "Flutterbat?"
OK, I got someone to explain Flutterbat to me. ... I still don't get it. I'm not even sure if this is about Flutterbat, still. Who's the narrator? Reads kinda more like some things I've seen about Chrysalis and changelings.
Is this a songfic? Poetry?
Yeah, I'm sorry to be leaving a review like this, it feels a bit mean, but... it's just too vague and overwrought for me to get anything out of. This needs a much better hook to become legible. The extent to which I "get it" is that someone is killing someone else, ignoring their screams and pleas, while crooning Evanescence lyrics at them. If I understood what any of the imagery was referring to, it might be effective, but it's all over my head and thus reads as unintentional comedy.
Certainly creative, though. The effort to go semi-poetic is bold, it just doesn't pan out here. I look forward to the retrospective and finding out what this was about, it seems like a piece that could be good with some revisions! Thanks for writing!
OK, I got someone to explain Flutterbat to me. ... I still don't get it. I'm not even sure if this is about Flutterbat, still. Who's the narrator? Reads kinda more like some things I've seen about Chrysalis and changelings.
Is this a songfic? Poetry?
Yeah, I'm sorry to be leaving a review like this, it feels a bit mean, but... it's just too vague and overwrought for me to get anything out of. This needs a much better hook to become legible. The extent to which I "get it" is that someone is killing someone else, ignoring their screams and pleas, while crooning Evanescence lyrics at them. If I understood what any of the imagery was referring to, it might be effective, but it's all over my head and thus reads as unintentional comedy.
Certainly creative, though. The effort to go semi-poetic is bold, it just doesn't pan out here. I look forward to the retrospective and finding out what this was about, it seems like a piece that could be good with some revisions! Thanks for writing!
Genre: Flutterbat poetry
Thoughts: Ooh, cool and creepy! I'll agree with other reviewers that it's a little too obscure to get a clear sense of the story going on here. However, as a mood piece, it's really strong. Flutterbat comes off as having a cruel streak but not being inveterately evil. Fluttershy comes off as scared and longing to stop what's going on with her. From there it's various bits and pieces that help reinforce the mood.
If I could nitpick one line that I don't understand, it's this one:
Okay, I'll nominate a second as well:
These raise a lot of questions about the potential identity of who the poem is addressed to, and unfortunately they also dash the possibilities of some of the potential top contenders (IMO). Granted, a few lines later we get pointed fairly definitively toward Rarity. But why Rarity? I'm not exactly a fandom-wide shipping expert but that doesn't strike me as one of the obvious ones when I think about Fluttershy, so IMO it would be helpful to introduce that better or give some more context for why they're together if that's what's happening. Also granted, it's an assumption on my part that there's meant to be a romantic undercurrent to this. But right now that feels like the most likely thing.
IMO a little extra clarity could turn this into something really special. I mean, what's here is beautiful; it's just a hairsbreadth too opaque for me to fully recommend.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Ooh, cool and creepy! I'll agree with other reviewers that it's a little too obscure to get a clear sense of the story going on here. However, as a mood piece, it's really strong. Flutterbat comes off as having a cruel streak but not being inveterately evil. Fluttershy comes off as scared and longing to stop what's going on with her. From there it's various bits and pieces that help reinforce the mood.
If I could nitpick one line that I don't understand, it's this one:
But survive the Everfree? Not on your own.
Okay, I'll nominate a second as well:
And you'll have to trust me, above you, wherever I lead.
These raise a lot of questions about the potential identity of who the poem is addressed to, and unfortunately they also dash the possibilities of some of the potential top contenders (IMO). Granted, a few lines later we get pointed fairly definitively toward Rarity. But why Rarity? I'm not exactly a fandom-wide shipping expert but that doesn't strike me as one of the obvious ones when I think about Fluttershy, so IMO it would be helpful to introduce that better or give some more context for why they're together if that's what's happening. Also granted, it's an assumption on my part that there's meant to be a romantic undercurrent to this. But right now that feels like the most likely thing.
IMO a little extra clarity could turn this into something really special. I mean, what's here is beautiful; it's just a hairsbreadth too opaque for me to fully recommend.
Tier: Almost There
I love it.
I think the parts where the rhyme trips, softens, and then disappears entirely pulled me out of the story a little. When I start rereading lines to try to figure out where the rhyme went, that reduces my immersion. If you want to alternate with rhyme, maybe breaking into a new section would help. (Exception: it's fine to break out of rhyme when the poetry has an obvious visual cue, like the fangy/wingy bit, because the eye can search for that instead.)
I think the parts where the rhyme trips, softens, and then disappears entirely pulled me out of the story a little. When I start rereading lines to try to figure out where the rhyme went, that reduces my immersion. If you want to alternate with rhyme, maybe breaking into a new section would help. (Exception: it's fine to break out of rhyme when the poetry has an obvious visual cue, like the fangy/wingy bit, because the eye can search for that instead.)
I’m not sure, but I think this is a tri-logue between Rarity, Fluttershy and Flutterbat.
In any case, this is both beautiful prose and obfuscated contents, but nothing new here. Yeah, there’s an obvious intimation to Snow White, but what’s the point?
Anyways. A nice read, but like many cryptic entries, after a short while the sweet taste fades away and leaves us alone with our puzzlement.
In any case, this is both beautiful prose and obfuscated contents, but nothing new here. Yeah, there’s an obvious intimation to Snow White, but what’s the point?
Anyways. A nice read, but like many cryptic entries, after a short while the sweet taste fades away and leaves us alone with our puzzlement.
retrospective:
yeah. it's about Fluttershy and Rarity having sex. flutterbat is metaphorical. it's a tragic romance story disguised as a creepy horror story. it's inspired by some song I keep listening to, so that might explain the rhyming elements.
I think it's a failure because the sensual elements feel obtuse, like an odd distraction. I had to tell Sharpspark what it's about, and only then did he see where it all connected, but it probably should feel more subconsciously erotic without needing to be explained.
disclaimer: I have never written a poem before in my life. (or poem-like prose, whatever this counts as)
so I'm almost grateful that the poetry experts like Horizon weren't around to review this. even though he'd have a lot of good advice, it'd probably be painful to look at this amateur work. and since it's anonymous, there's that uncomfortable conflict of not knowing if you're reviewing someone with experience trying something experimental, or a clueless newbie who has no idea what he's doing (that's me).
halfway through (from my perspective, since I wrote the beginning and end parts first, then filled out the middle. because I'm weird), I got really sick of coming up with rhymes, and wondered why I was rhyming this in the first place, and just gave up on pretending to make it a "poem". so that's the only reason it's so uneven, because I didn't have the discipline to stick with it the whole way.
I still kinda like this story, but it's really difficult to fix for FimFic, so I'm not sure what to do.
yeah. it's about Fluttershy and Rarity having sex. flutterbat is metaphorical. it's a tragic romance story disguised as a creepy horror story. it's inspired by some song I keep listening to, so that might explain the rhyming elements.
I think it's a failure because the sensual elements feel obtuse, like an odd distraction. I had to tell Sharpspark what it's about, and only then did he see where it all connected, but it probably should feel more subconsciously erotic without needing to be explained.
disclaimer: I have never written a poem before in my life. (or poem-like prose, whatever this counts as)
so I'm almost grateful that the poetry experts like Horizon weren't around to review this. even though he'd have a lot of good advice, it'd probably be painful to look at this amateur work. and since it's anonymous, there's that uncomfortable conflict of not knowing if you're reviewing someone with experience trying something experimental, or a clueless newbie who has no idea what he's doing (that's me).
halfway through (from my perspective, since I wrote the beginning and end parts first, then filled out the middle. because I'm weird), I got really sick of coming up with rhymes, and wondered why I was rhyming this in the first place, and just gave up on pretending to make it a "poem". so that's the only reason it's so uneven, because I didn't have the discipline to stick with it the whole way.
I still kinda like this story, but it's really difficult to fix for FimFic, so I'm not sure what to do.