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Super A++ for the concept. But the execution is a bit lackluster. Many words that should be underlined (as they were replacements) aren't. E.g. the first "Maraca" is underlined, but the next isn't. There are typos and other minor technical mistakes as well.
My main complaint is that the story works too hard at setup and tear-down. Discord literally explains the concept in the opening—enough so that it sounds trite to those of us that get it from the title, but not enough so that readers unfamiliar with the concept actually grasp it. At the end, the joke/premise is explained verbatim. "You've been messing with me all day." If the readers didn't get that already, then you've already failed. Having Twilight reiterate it wastes wordcount, and makes it feel more trite. Then a TV is thrown in, non-sequiter, for a final gag. Set that up earlier for more effect!
Overall, as I said, I love the concept, but it needs work to live up to the potential.
My main complaint is that the story works too hard at setup and tear-down. Discord literally explains the concept in the opening—enough so that it sounds trite to those of us that get it from the title, but not enough so that readers unfamiliar with the concept actually grasp it. At the end, the joke/premise is explained verbatim. "You've been messing with me all day." If the readers didn't get that already, then you've already failed. Having Twilight reiterate it wastes wordcount, and makes it feel more trite. Then a TV is thrown in, non-sequiter, for a final gag. Set that up earlier for more effect!
Overall, as I said, I love the concept, but it needs work to live up to the potential.
The trick with exposition dialogue is to make it natural. They need to have a reason to bring things up and it should be a good one. So, for example.
It's been heavily implied that Twilight's been dead a while since they both seem pretty used to this, so Rainbow should -already- know this or have some idea of it. There's really no reason for Twilight to tell Dash this. Moreover, digging into slightly more technical things, this information also isn't super useful. We can assume a lot about ghosts to begin with, and poltergeists generally have some manipulation abilities, AND Dash brought her something that requires activity on her part, so we can somewhat safely assume Twilight, in some form or another, can read the books (otherwise you might expect something like Dash offering to read them to her. Finally, this actually plays very little role in the story itself.
Another example!
So this one is a bit weird, but bear with me. Rainbow is asking the wrong question. Her concern deals with her own impairment and inability to do what she used to do. However, the question she asks is actually a bit of a non-sequitor, since it asks about her death, not her impaired life. This allows you to squeeze in additional information about Twilight's death, but it comes at the cost of dampening the tightness of what should be an emotionally fraught conversation. And the thing is, we don't really need to know how Twilight died (particularly in detail, like the ash stuff). It again diverts focus from the heart of the conversation.
And it's to the story's detriment, I think, since it ends up leading to their conversation... never really feeling like it links up. They always feel like their talking a bit past each other, which... I think is fair, because their two experiences aren't actually comparable. Admittedly, Twilight is a spooky ghost and can't interact in a lot of familiar ways, but she... kinda still has her passion. She can read. She can teach. These were things central to her identity.
Rainbow Dash has lost the ability to really do the thing she was passionate about.
So that's a big issue as well.
Oh, throw them onto that pile near the door. I'm capable of reading books wherever they are in the library, anyway. And the caretaker will shelve them at the nearest opportunity. She really enjoys organizing books...
It's been heavily implied that Twilight's been dead a while since they both seem pretty used to this, so Rainbow should -already- know this or have some idea of it. There's really no reason for Twilight to tell Dash this. Moreover, digging into slightly more technical things, this information also isn't super useful. We can assume a lot about ghosts to begin with, and poltergeists generally have some manipulation abilities, AND Dash brought her something that requires activity on her part, so we can somewhat safely assume Twilight, in some form or another, can read the books (otherwise you might expect something like Dash offering to read them to her. Finally, this actually plays very little role in the story itself.
Another example!
"I-I've gotten over it! I still teach at the academy, and give guest lectures at schools sometimes. And what... about you?" she asked, carefully. "Don't you sometimes... regret what happened years ago?"
So this one is a bit weird, but bear with me. Rainbow is asking the wrong question. Her concern deals with her own impairment and inability to do what she used to do. However, the question she asks is actually a bit of a non-sequitor, since it asks about her death, not her impaired life. This allows you to squeeze in additional information about Twilight's death, but it comes at the cost of dampening the tightness of what should be an emotionally fraught conversation. And the thing is, we don't really need to know how Twilight died (particularly in detail, like the ash stuff). It again diverts focus from the heart of the conversation.
And it's to the story's detriment, I think, since it ends up leading to their conversation... never really feeling like it links up. They always feel like their talking a bit past each other, which... I think is fair, because their two experiences aren't actually comparable. Admittedly, Twilight is a spooky ghost and can't interact in a lot of familiar ways, but she... kinda still has her passion. She can read. She can teach. These were things central to her identity.
Rainbow Dash has lost the ability to really do the thing she was passionate about.
So that's a big issue as well.
So, I'm not a fan of second person, as it's so rarely done for good reason. Most of the time, it's just stunt-writing, and this seems to fall into that trap. There is no story, no interest, no anything here. We simply have a play-by-play of an action scene, sans context, and sans (most) emotion. Yes, the character shows pain, but... it's an Arnold grunt, or a Sylvester grimace at best. No real depth.
What I hoped was that there was going to be a payoff at the end. A lot of the dialog sounded like "Shia LaBeouf", which does the second person thing in a way nothing else has ever matched. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u4M6vppCI I wanted this to turn into that, to morph into the ridiculous, but it didn't.
What I hoped was that there was going to be a payoff at the end. A lot of the dialog sounded like "Shia LaBeouf", which does the second person thing in a way nothing else has ever matched. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u4M6vppCI I wanted this to turn into that, to morph into the ridiculous, but it didn't.
Genre: Sound and fury
Thoughts: I don't get it. I mean, I just straight up didn't get whatever is going on here, as well as who's doing what, and what it all means. There's some gorgeous prose in here, but Philistine that I am, the whole thing goes right over my head.
Now I'm certainly a bit dense, which doesn't help my cause; but I also see some other comments that reinforce my feeling that the story itself could bear to be clearer. In the absence of that clarity, the best I can do is leave it to the judgment of others.
Tier:Abstain Strong
Thoughts: I don't get it. I mean, I just straight up didn't get whatever is going on here, as well as who's doing what, and what it all means. There's some gorgeous prose in here, but Philistine that I am, the whole thing goes right over my head.
Now I'm certainly a bit dense, which doesn't help my cause; but I also see some other comments that reinforce my feeling that the story itself could bear to be clearer. In the absence of that clarity, the best I can do is leave it to the judgment of others.
Tier:
And in sharp contrast to my opinions on Tickles, I actually think the ridiculously grim punchline is fitting. This is a cruelly sharp look at a certain category of fic (and really, it stretches comfortably beyond just HiE - this kinda nails all self-insert fics pretty well, for all the pony specific stuff), and ending it cruelly I think is tonally consistent. That isn't to say it is the best ending, but I think it functions.
I do get Hat's concerns about being mean but... ergh... I dunno. I guess maybe I'm not nice sometimes, and bad fanfiction is one of those places. Like, I used to read MST-fics too, and those are WAY crueler than this. And that is kind of the importat thing, I think - the distance here helps, since you aren't really attacking "a writer" so much as "a category of stories."
First thing to make me laugh this round. Thank you.
I do get Hat's concerns about being mean but... ergh... I dunno. I guess maybe I'm not nice sometimes, and bad fanfiction is one of those places. Like, I used to read MST-fics too, and those are WAY crueler than this. And that is kind of the importat thing, I think - the distance here helps, since you aren't really attacking "a writer" so much as "a category of stories."
☐ exciting Warhammer® military life
First thing to make me laugh this round. Thank you.
Yeah, I kind of have to echo the above. The end kinda feels like a double non-sequitor, as the drama bomb is so ridiculous as to seem like it is supposed to be funny, but the story actually ends on hard drama.
Anyhow, long story short, cut 90% of the opening (you're writing for pony fans, we should generally recognize a major finale), and give a -little- explanation for what is actually going on here and how it impacts.
Anyhow, long story short, cut 90% of the opening (you're writing for pony fans, we should generally recognize a major finale), and give a -little- explanation for what is actually going on here and how it impacts.
Should I be offended that Not_A_Hat pretending to be me gets more upvotes than my comments?
Anyway. Not too much to say about this one; it's fluffy slice-of-life, without pretensions or aspirations of being anything more. Cute, done decently, but underwhelming in the face of some of the competition.
Actually, I'm pretty sure you can cook frozen peas without thawing them. Spike is a terrible homemaker and will make an even worse wife someday.
Anyway. Not too much to say about this one; it's fluffy slice-of-life, without pretensions or aspirations of being anything more. Cute, done decently, but underwhelming in the face of some of the competition.
Actually, I'm pretty sure you can cook frozen peas without thawing them. Spike is a terrible homemaker and will make an even worse wife someday.
>>Morning Sun
Daring could also be classed as a dex Fighter, which I personally think would fit her better than rogue. Maybe battle master?
Anyways, in regards to the story.
I also looked at this from a DnD perspective, mostly because I am a big fan of bards and thus the word bard springs DnD to mind first. I actually kinda guessed where this was going when it was mentioned that Lyra majored in bardic studies, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. Overall, this is one of the higher ranking stories in my opinion.
Daring could also be classed as a dex Fighter, which I personally think would fit her better than rogue. Maybe battle master?
Anyways, in regards to the story.
I also looked at this from a DnD perspective, mostly because I am a big fan of bards and thus the word bard springs DnD to mind first. I actually kinda guessed where this was going when it was mentioned that Lyra majored in bardic studies, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. Overall, this is one of the higher ranking stories in my opinion.
So, idly. When you set up a repetition like that, three is a good number to hit, in my opinion. So you'd be better off with something like:
"Twilight sat in an old and decrepit chair, in an old and decrepit library, staring at an old and decrepit book."
Or, if you wanted to be funny, change the third beat to something contradictory.
Beyond that, I'm in the same boat as most everybody else here: I'm not really sure what this is going for. Like, to run the risk of sounding really mean, the story within the story reads like stereotypically bad creepypasta, and the framing device, at a very base level, kinda seems to imply that that miiiight be the point? But yeah, the frame and the story don't quite connect, which leaves me scratching my head.
"Twilight sat in an old and decrepit chair, in an old and decrepit library, staring at an old and decrepit book."
Or, if you wanted to be funny, change the third beat to something contradictory.
Beyond that, I'm in the same boat as most everybody else here: I'm not really sure what this is going for. Like, to run the risk of sounding really mean, the story within the story reads like stereotypically bad creepypasta, and the framing device, at a very base level, kinda seems to imply that that miiiight be the point? But yeah, the frame and the story don't quite connect, which leaves me scratching my head.
You use a lot of colors right at the beginning. Try to vary stuff like that up a bit, because it jumps out when it's very close.
Something doesn't work for me in the actual diction of the story, but hell if I can put a finger on what it is right this second. I'll add another comment if i work out what it is.
Something doesn't work for me in the actual diction of the story, but hell if I can put a finger on what it is right this second. I'll add another comment if i work out what it is.
It being a dream of what he thinks the surface is is cool. The story is a bit marred in basic grammar errors, though, and skips forward in a way that leaves me feeling a bit whiplashed. Definitely want to work on pacing, really, as well as try polishing your diction a bit, author; word choice here didn't always feel natural, but not in a way I would write off as intentional evocation of dream-feeling that would justify it.
>>SPark
This sums up my thoughts on this story succinctly, so I am just going to quote it and acknowledge I had fun despite this being utterly insane.
This sums up my thoughts on this story succinctly, so I am just going to quote it and acknowledge I had fun despite this being utterly insane.
Echoing the others, for sure. Adding in - the idea of 'Whirl' was cool, but it all went too fast. Let us see more of what it is - hints, bits. The 'Unable to scream' bit when he reveals himself to her is nice, but we should get at least an inkling of WHY - did he break her brain? Cut her throat? Control her mind? Etc, etc, etc.
There needs to be mounting tension to make this an effective horror piece and we are missing that. And there's not enough focus on the gory details to just be a splatterfic, either.
There needs to be mounting tension to make this an effective horror piece and we are missing that. And there's not enough focus on the gory details to just be a splatterfic, either.
Docking points for lack of originality is probably my least favorite thing to do in this sort of competition, because I feel each work should be considered as its own piece independent of other outside works. Nonetheless, I unfortunately feel a bit obligated to lobby that criticism towards this story.
For some unnecessary backstory on me, I left the brony fandom in 2012, and haven't read MLP fanfiction outside this competition since. That was five years ago. So why does this story retread the same genre jokes about HiE that were old hat when I was still around? Mocking self insert and HiE fan-fiction is very much like shooting fish in a barrel—we're all aware the genre is mostly full of hot garbage, and it just seems a bit lazy to pick the most obvious jokes to use.
On the other hand, the mode of presentation is new and interesting, and I think it's this layer of veneer that has endeared the majority of the readers to this entry. I like the formatting as well, and it's ripe for some expansion if the author wanted to create more jokes. Unfortunately, for the purposes for comedic pacing, it makes it a bit difficult to work with because every new line of the questionnaire needs to be a rapid fire joke that pays off, because a dud will stop the reader in his or her tracks. Ideally, if the author wants to expand the story, there should be some more text between the end of the questionnaire and the conclusion of the story, to transition to the conclusion easier.
In terms of the ending, because everyone wants to mention it: I like it. I find it somewhat odd that a story littered with jokes that are a complete schadenfreude mockery is being criticized for being "too cruel" in its conclusion. Additionally, I think "cruel" is the wrong word for it. People are acting as if the ending is a straight-faced funeral dirge or something. The end is more cartoonishly silly bait and switch than even "dark."
Okay / Okay, would say it's okay again.
For some unnecessary backstory on me, I left the brony fandom in 2012, and haven't read MLP fanfiction outside this competition since. That was five years ago. So why does this story retread the same genre jokes about HiE that were old hat when I was still around? Mocking self insert and HiE fan-fiction is very much like shooting fish in a barrel—we're all aware the genre is mostly full of hot garbage, and it just seems a bit lazy to pick the most obvious jokes to use.
On the other hand, the mode of presentation is new and interesting, and I think it's this layer of veneer that has endeared the majority of the readers to this entry. I like the formatting as well, and it's ripe for some expansion if the author wanted to create more jokes. Unfortunately, for the purposes for comedic pacing, it makes it a bit difficult to work with because every new line of the questionnaire needs to be a rapid fire joke that pays off, because a dud will stop the reader in his or her tracks. Ideally, if the author wants to expand the story, there should be some more text between the end of the questionnaire and the conclusion of the story, to transition to the conclusion easier.
In terms of the ending, because everyone wants to mention it: I like it. I find it somewhat odd that a story littered with jokes that are a complete schadenfreude mockery is being criticized for being "too cruel" in its conclusion. Additionally, I think "cruel" is the wrong word for it. People are acting as if the ending is a straight-faced funeral dirge or something. The end is more cartoonishly silly bait and switch than even "dark."
Okay / Okay, would say it's okay again.
This is one of those stories where the writer had a good idea that he or she liked, but just couldn't quite fit it into the span of a minific. Even though this story uses the maximum possible amount of words, it still feels haphazardly paced, with the majority of the story devoted to exposition establishing the safe zone to set up for the subsequent scene with Discord. It's very much a piece that if paced out properly and given some more scenes to show how Twilight has been using the safe zone and set up other business, the reveal with Discord would be that much more effective. As it stands, the story just doesn't really have enough meat on its bones to really describe it as a complete. It's more like reading the abridged version of a longer story.
Time-skipping mid-story I think was a poor choice as well. It really gives off the sense that there is a lot of information that the reader isn't privy to and has missed leading up the current day scene. It's hard to feel a sense of uncomfortable indignation from Twilight when the only time we've ever experienced as opposed to being informed of her using the safe zone with her is one time when she was a filly.
For additional yucks, I would suggest that Twilight should be trying to avoid something else when she encounters Discord in the safe zone. Currently, it's just that she just happens to be there, which doesn't add any additional layer of humor and just comes across as some coincidental happening. It makes it seem like the story is the story of the safe zone, rather than the story of Twilight in her safe zone, because every scene is framed relative to the safe zone rather than Twilight.
I didn't know what the hell a mathom was either.
Time-skipping mid-story I think was a poor choice as well. It really gives off the sense that there is a lot of information that the reader isn't privy to and has missed leading up the current day scene. It's hard to feel a sense of uncomfortable indignation from Twilight when the only time we've ever experienced as opposed to being informed of her using the safe zone with her is one time when she was a filly.
For additional yucks, I would suggest that Twilight should be trying to avoid something else when she encounters Discord in the safe zone. Currently, it's just that she just happens to be there, which doesn't add any additional layer of humor and just comes across as some coincidental happening. It makes it seem like the story is the story of the safe zone, rather than the story of Twilight in her safe zone, because every scene is framed relative to the safe zone rather than Twilight.
I didn't know what the hell a mathom was either.
Where to begin when discussing this story? Well, let's start complimentary: this is a good introspective voice. With the exception of some few scant lines, it's easy to follow the train of thought of this story as it tangents through semi-related subjects. The thoughts themselves are evocative as well, and I think Twilight's feelings of being wedged between two more established and experienced monarchs to be an interesting sentiment befitting a larger story.
I'll echo >>Exuno here to some extent though and say that the narrative voice is not really characterized as Twilight enough as to properly resemble her. What this really comes down to is turn of phrase for me, as it comes across as a bit too formal to be distinctly Twilight. I would say that it is halfway between being a regular narrative and a narrative written in Twilight's voice, and it bounces back and forth.
I think the subject of this story is fit for expansion and this would probably serve well as a scene towards the middle of a larger story about Twilight's role between the two sisters than as a product of its own. As it stands, I wouldn't really call this a complete product, more along the lines of a scene of something occurring. It's very difficult to sell a conflict and resolution if it is all internalized in a five minute thought tangent, unfortunately.
I'd like to see this expanded in something bigger about Twilight's feelings of inadequacy.
I'll echo >>Exuno here to some extent though and say that the narrative voice is not really characterized as Twilight enough as to properly resemble her. What this really comes down to is turn of phrase for me, as it comes across as a bit too formal to be distinctly Twilight. I would say that it is halfway between being a regular narrative and a narrative written in Twilight's voice, and it bounces back and forth.
I think the subject of this story is fit for expansion and this would probably serve well as a scene towards the middle of a larger story about Twilight's role between the two sisters than as a product of its own. As it stands, I wouldn't really call this a complete product, more along the lines of a scene of something occurring. It's very difficult to sell a conflict and resolution if it is all internalized in a five minute thought tangent, unfortunately.
I'd like to see this expanded in something bigger about Twilight's feelings of inadequacy.
I'm not sure if I'm the only one who felt this way....
this story had me believing this was going to be "one of those" crackfics or fixfics. you know, starts off with something familiar and unchanged, then makes a shocking turn into something cynical or random. it was a bit strange to find out that it was a philosophical message and not a punchline.
that seems to be what happens when you follow the episode so closely for the first part of your fic. when confronted with the same ol thing, the mind instinctively starts searching for differences. the audience expects the unexpected, that it'll become the polar opposite of canon MLP.
I recommend retelling the same material in a new style or new perspective, to set up a proper tone -- give that first impression that you're being respectful of the original while exploring your own interpretation.
this story had me believing this was going to be "one of those" crackfics or fixfics. you know, starts off with something familiar and unchanged, then makes a shocking turn into something cynical or random. it was a bit strange to find out that it was a philosophical message and not a punchline.
that seems to be what happens when you follow the episode so closely for the first part of your fic. when confronted with the same ol thing, the mind instinctively starts searching for differences. the audience expects the unexpected, that it'll become the polar opposite of canon MLP.
I recommend retelling the same material in a new style or new perspective, to set up a proper tone -- give that first impression that you're being respectful of the original while exploring your own interpretation.
Okay, very funny. Completely nonsensical absurd, but funny. You tagged the characters well, especially RD. It did leave me feeling I was in a Twilight zone.
Great intro, literally, the prompt. I would have liked something Twilight Zone-y for her to run from, tho.
I didn't really like it on my first reading; I agree with >>Not_A_Hat and >>CoffeeMinion that it's hard to figure out what's going on at first -- there's really nothing solid and familiar to hang onto, because the story is set in such an exotic setting and focuses on an entirely new character.
However, thing are clearer upon a re-read, and a surprisingly awesome, imaginative concept rears its head. The writing is really good too, although all the star names in the opening paragraphs get confusing, especially since it's not immediately clear that "Sol" is indeed the Equestrian sun (I've read numerous sci-fi stories, and I've gotten used that "Sol" usually refers to Earth's sun).
This is another story I'd love to see expanded on.
One thing that bothers me is that Asteria's role seems to be disproportional in relation to her sisters'; Celestia and Luna move a single celestial body each, around one particular planet, whereas Asteria apparently maintains the stars across the entire universe. Her role has way more of a cosmic scale, and this doesn't fit in with Celestia maintaining but a single "faint" sun (the story even emphasizes how unimportant Sol is in comparison to other stars.)
However, thing are clearer upon a re-read, and a surprisingly awesome, imaginative concept rears its head. The writing is really good too, although all the star names in the opening paragraphs get confusing, especially since it's not immediately clear that "Sol" is indeed the Equestrian sun (I've read numerous sci-fi stories, and I've gotten used that "Sol" usually refers to Earth's sun).
This is another story I'd love to see expanded on.
One thing that bothers me is that Asteria's role seems to be disproportional in relation to her sisters'; Celestia and Luna move a single celestial body each, around one particular planet, whereas Asteria apparently maintains the stars across the entire universe. Her role has way more of a cosmic scale, and this doesn't fit in with Celestia maintaining but a single "faint" sun (the story even emphasizes how unimportant Sol is in comparison to other stars.)
This is another beautiful story, with an evocative atmosphere and plenty of great bits of prose:
I agree with the others, though, that the setting is maddeningly unclear. Is this all happening after the end of the world? Is Equestria depopulated? Or is Equestria fine, and Celestia's simply tired after millennia so she sneaks out from the palace to end it all? All we have is the cryptic clue that "it's been far too long, and there is no more to save," but this doesn't really explain anything.
I pull a flickering old orb of flame up into the sky with me to light the way. Someday I shall just let the thing rest. Someday, someday. It will rest when I do.
I agree with the others, though, that the setting is maddeningly unclear. Is this all happening after the end of the world? Is Equestria depopulated? Or is Equestria fine, and Celestia's simply tired after millennia so she sneaks out from the palace to end it all? All we have is the cryptic clue that "it's been far too long, and there is no more to save," but this doesn't really explain anything.
It's pretty great writing, but... I agree with >>Xepher. The second half is clearer than the first, which is, frankly, mostly confusing.
The "mirroring" overall seems completely unnecessary. The entire idea of "palindromic poetry" is getting an entirely new sense simply by rearranging the verses; but it doesn't seem to me that this poem's first half has any radically different sense from the second. Indeed, as said above, I have some trouble even understanding some parts of the first half.
So. I'd suggest dropping the mirror gimmick, and saving only the second half... because it's a genuinely good, classical-style poem.
The "mirroring" overall seems completely unnecessary. The entire idea of "palindromic poetry" is getting an entirely new sense simply by rearranging the verses; but it doesn't seem to me that this poem's first half has any radically different sense from the second. Indeed, as said above, I have some trouble even understanding some parts of the first half.
So. I'd suggest dropping the mirror gimmick, and saving only the second half... because it's a genuinely good, classical-style poem.
This is a story about quack doctors delivering quack remedies.
What, I got it wrong?
Nice little piece of work, very endearing, but, you know, I'm kinda perverse, so I prefer children stories where the alicorn eats the duck at the end. You know, foie gras and stuff.
What, I got it wrong?
Nice little piece of work, very endearing, but, you know, I'm kinda perverse, so I prefer children stories where the alicorn eats the duck at the end. You know, foie gras and stuff.
There's a good story in here. It needs some more space to play itself out though. As it stands right now it's an "alien" threat that needs to be defined. Why was Luna susceptible to their influence while Celestia wasn't? Other than a gut feeling that makes her nervous what is the real threat? What/who are they really? Why does turning another pony into a Nightmare mean anything; can't that threat be contained or reversed by "borrowing" the elements again for one baptism of magic rainbow?
Part of me wonders if even a shift in the main character might help? That is to say, a couple of bookworm type characters already exist in the show (Moondancer and Sunburst) and one character who has incredible magical ability (Starlight Glimmer). How would any of them who seemingly lack the power but, have the research capacity respond? Would any other pony listen to them?
As others have said, once there is more room to flesh it out more this should be a truly fun story that folks will go back to a time or two.
Part of me wonders if even a shift in the main character might help? That is to say, a couple of bookworm type characters already exist in the show (Moondancer and Sunburst) and one character who has incredible magical ability (Starlight Glimmer). How would any of them who seemingly lack the power but, have the research capacity respond? Would any other pony listen to them?
As others have said, once there is more room to flesh it out more this should be a truly fun story that folks will go back to a time or two.
I actually think that the (admittedly unnatural) expository dialogue can work, if one assumes that Rainbow Dash doesn't get to visit Twilight all that often. You know how it is with acquaintances that you never talk to anymore; you cover the same topics of conversation that you've already done multiple times, because it's all still relatively fresh to you.
And that seems like the kind of detail that Rainbow would forget, partly because they never talk, and partly because Rainbow is just naturally a very stupid pony, and it doesn't pertain to any of her natural interests: flying, Daring Do, and ignoring Scootaloo.
I do wish there had been more of a reason for Rainbow to randomly engage Twilight in a conversation about death. The subtext would kind of suggest that she's feeling death's clammy hand on her shoulder, the older she gets. Maybe that's what prompted her to drop by in the first place?
I haven't been giving scores for this round, but if I absolutely had to give one to this story... I'd probably give it a solid 8/10. Million. F.
Nah, just kidding. It's neat. An awkwardly structured conversation, but some good content regardless.
And that seems like the kind of detail that Rainbow would forget, partly because they never talk, and partly because Rainbow is just naturally a very stupid pony, and it doesn't pertain to any of her natural interests: flying, Daring Do, and ignoring Scootaloo.
I do wish there had been more of a reason for Rainbow to randomly engage Twilight in a conversation about death. The subtext would kind of suggest that she's feeling death's clammy hand on her shoulder, the older she gets. Maybe that's what prompted her to drop by in the first place?
I haven't been giving scores for this round, but if I absolutely had to give one to this story... I'd probably give it a solid 8/10. Million. F.
Nah, just kidding. It's neat. An awkwardly structured conversation, but some good content regardless.
>>Not_A_Hat Kinda this. It's material that could be used to tell a story. It's not really a story in itself. More like a travelogue made by an extremely depressed Rick Steves.
Are you okay, Rick? Do you need to talk? Come meet me for coffee. Then we can go remove all the sharp objects from your house.
I mean, it's good world-building, don't get me wrong... It's just, I can't find a rhyme or reason for it, or anything to get invested in, besides the mystery. Although, it might make a good follow-up to It's Over, provided one takes Zaid's interpretation at face value. Hell, for all I know, these were written by the same person; they fit well together in an eerie way.
Of course, if I'm wrong... *eyes Zaid's hat hungrily*
Are you okay, Rick? Do you need to talk? Come meet me for coffee. Then we can go remove all the sharp objects from your house.
I mean, it's good world-building, don't get me wrong... It's just, I can't find a rhyme or reason for it, or anything to get invested in, besides the mystery. Although, it might make a good follow-up to It's Over, provided one takes Zaid's interpretation at face value. Hell, for all I know, these were written by the same person; they fit well together in an eerie way.
Of course, if I'm wrong... *eyes Zaid's hat hungrily*
I can appreciate this story's effort at retreading and parodying an episode of Twilight Zone, but the prose is really elementary. And the formatting problems that this apparently encountered when it was transferred over to the Writeoff text box aren't helping matters any.
>>Not_A_Hat
She's probably terrified about being sucked into the Human in Equestria genre. I mean, in her position, can any of us say we'd act differently?
*is fully cognizant of his own hypocrisy*
>>Not_A_Hat
Other than that, why does Octavia suddenly decide to kill these humans? That really seemed to come in out of the blue. Does she mistake them for something else?
She's probably terrified about being sucked into the Human in Equestria genre. I mean, in her position, can any of us say we'd act differently?
*is fully cognizant of his own hypocrisy*
My biggest issue with this is attributing dialog to each character. Going over it, I might understand better with some proper Twilight said Doo said. As it was, I was confused who said what and as a result who meant what, which implies the dialog gave no clue to the speaker, no Twi-isms if you will. Last, Using a name loft the artifact like Nightmare Moon's Helmet would have made a real difference in grounding the story such that we really care when Twi goes astray.
I call bullshit on Rainbow Dash knowing the word "discerning," because Rainbow Dash is a very stupid pony.
(I actually love Dashie; I don't know if that's obvious from how often I mock her)
The last scene feels out of step with the rest of the story (Twilight's in the room all of a sudden? Or the doorway? Were she and Starlight hiding in themake-out study closet?), and I agree that ending on that exchange feels cheesy. I also don't like the italicized scene transition. Couldn't you have somehow illustrated Rainbow getting lost in her studying via, like... narration? Or even just used something like a line to indicate the scene break?
Maybe it's just a problem that I have; I always read sentences like that in the voice of the French narrator from SpongeBob.
Other than that, the atmosphere the story builds in its first part is great, and the fact that it gets subverted at the end is also great. I question the merits of this study strategy on the grounds that Rainbow would probably get lost in her own comfort and forget to read, but I guess I can also see how it works? A little? I think?
8/10.
(I actually love Dashie; I don't know if that's obvious from how often I mock her)
The last scene feels out of step with the rest of the story (Twilight's in the room all of a sudden? Or the doorway? Were she and Starlight hiding in the
Maybe it's just a problem that I have; I always read sentences like that in the voice of the French narrator from SpongeBob.
Other than that, the atmosphere the story builds in its first part is great, and the fact that it gets subverted at the end is also great. I question the merits of this study strategy on the grounds that Rainbow would probably get lost in her own comfort and forget to read, but I guess I can also see how it works? A little? I think?
8/10.
Tip top. Nailed the prompt and answered the question about what happens if a unicorn abuses its power. Thought provoking; makes you realize it's a good thing humans can do magic. All done with minimal prose. Kudos.
I think you missed all alternative meanings of the prompt by a mile, but you did write something amusing.
The story works. I'm not sure why Celestia didn't just crack her one or why the guards knew about said spot though other than plot convenience. Then again given the ending a sock to the snoot could actually work to achieve a similar result.
>>JudgeDeadd
THANK YOU!!! Now I get it! What a powerful and beautiful bit of speculative headcanon. There's a tight little story in here that certainly deserves better than my earlier abstention.
I can see now that there was an attempt to introduce us to this new character and her tie back to the lore we know, but I feel it could bear to be more explicit for the sake of your slower readers (e.g., me). Keep the grand scale and the unique POV, but do a little more to help us get into it and you'll have my complete and enthusiastic support.
The most beautiful bits are Celestia's placement in the role of repentant younger sister, and the assessment from afar of Luna's handling of the moon. But these are also in need of a little attention IMO. Without any clue as to the nature of Celestia's falling out with our heroine, the situation loses some of its emotional resonance. Also, the latter scene begs the question of what kind of relationship (if any) that our heroine had with Luna. It's a small thing, but answering questions like those would do more to tether our heroine to the lore we know, which would also help make it clearer what all's going on.
THANK YOU!!! Now I get it! What a powerful and beautiful bit of speculative headcanon. There's a tight little story in here that certainly deserves better than my earlier abstention.
I can see now that there was an attempt to introduce us to this new character and her tie back to the lore we know, but I feel it could bear to be more explicit for the sake of your slower readers (e.g., me). Keep the grand scale and the unique POV, but do a little more to help us get into it and you'll have my complete and enthusiastic support.
The most beautiful bits are Celestia's placement in the role of repentant younger sister, and the assessment from afar of Luna's handling of the moon. But these are also in need of a little attention IMO. Without any clue as to the nature of Celestia's falling out with our heroine, the situation loses some of its emotional resonance. Also, the latter scene begs the question of what kind of relationship (if any) that our heroine had with Luna. It's a small thing, but answering questions like those would do more to tether our heroine to the lore we know, which would also help make it clearer what all's going on.
We're now at the point where if I want to say anything no one else has said, I have to resort to picking nits.
Inclusion of the ® symbol in fictional brand names may be alright in satirical writing, but this is not that. It's something of an old joke anyway.
For some reason, people don't write pony fiction in the first person that often, so it is always a nice change of pace to see. Some of the more advanced language RD uses here might be explained by her having taken up reading. But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo." Reading should be no problem anymore; it's studying that she has trouble with.
Phrases like A considerably long time later… are things used in funnybooks, but not prose writing. Scene breaks do the same thing, are less obtrusive, and are professional standard.
Watch out for misuse of said-bookisms. In this piece I only see one that sticks out: "growled." These are normally used a lot in juvenile writing and lower, but when writing for adults it is better to stick with "said" unless you have no choice.
Overall, it seems alright to me, but I'm not well-versed in slice-of-life stories, so take that for what it's worth.
Inclusion of the ® symbol in fictional brand names may be alright in satirical writing, but this is not that. It's something of an old joke anyway.
For some reason, people don't write pony fiction in the first person that often, so it is always a nice change of pace to see. Some of the more advanced language RD uses here might be explained by her having taken up reading. But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo." Reading should be no problem anymore; it's studying that she has trouble with.
Phrases like A considerably long time later… are things used in funnybooks, but not prose writing. Scene breaks do the same thing, are less obtrusive, and are professional standard.
Watch out for misuse of said-bookisms. In this piece I only see one that sticks out: "growled." These are normally used a lot in juvenile writing and lower, but when writing for adults it is better to stick with "said" unless you have no choice.
Overall, it seems alright to me, but I'm not well-versed in slice-of-life stories, so take that for what it's worth.
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Spike is such a whiny, petulant, immature little baby that I felt like picking him up and dropping him on his head. It's not that he's angry; it's his reason for being angry. Upset with Twilight for missing an obligation because she was overworking herself? That's perfectly in character. Being personally hurt by it because she forgot to do something for him when she promised? Also in character.
Yelling at her because she didn't get him the right birthday present? Not in character. Neither are hen-pecked Twilight's frantic efforts at placation. This is not the relationship that these two characters have.
I also have no idea what in the blue hell is happening once the story really kicks into gear, or what the connection between the first and second parts are. Mechanically, this is competently done, but the story those mechanics tell doesn't quite come to par.
Sorry.
Yelling at her because she didn't get him the right birthday present? Not in character. Neither are hen-pecked Twilight's frantic efforts at placation. This is not the relationship that these two characters have.
I also have no idea what in the blue hell is happening once the story really kicks into gear, or what the connection between the first and second parts are. Mechanically, this is competently done, but the story those mechanics tell doesn't quite come to par.
Sorry.
Twilight Sparkle's Adventures During Third Impact?
I don't get it. I thought it was going for some kind of metacommentary on the nature of the MLP franchise, the constant cycle of shows and toy lines coming, going, and then being reborn in a different form. But then Celestia went off on a complete tangent with her "everything is you" spiel, and it made zero sense to me.
In short, the story starts out approaching established canon, veers left, then veers left again, and the end result is, well... Incomprehensible.
I don't get it. I thought it was going for some kind of metacommentary on the nature of the MLP franchise, the constant cycle of shows and toy lines coming, going, and then being reborn in a different form. But then Celestia went off on a complete tangent with her "everything is you" spiel, and it made zero sense to me.
In short, the story starts out approaching established canon, veers left, then veers left again, and the end result is, well... Incomprehensible.
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>>FanOfMostEverything The tense issues are done on purpose, to indicate what's flashback material, and what's taking place in the moment.
Although the story doesn't benefit from having that kind of structure. It probably would have been better to take matters chronologically, from the start of Thunderlane's day, and remain in present tense.
The writing feels choppy and repetitive, but again, I think that's stylistic, to reflect Thunderlane's sense of panic and haste.
Funny, although the only character who seems to confirm Thunderlane's fears is Rainbow Dash. And that could easily be written off as Dashie just being a jerk for fun.
Definitely needs a conclusion. His whole thing is that he's terrified of how Blossomforth will react, so ending with Blossomforth's reaction (whether she confirms his fears or just nuzzles him and says "silly boy, I don't care how edgy you look, now take me to a horsemovie and then let's have horsesex") would be the appropriate way to finish off.
Personally, I don't see why it would matter to Blossomforth; she's just a Twilight palette swap with wings. And Twilight has wings now. Blossomforth doesn't even have the distinction of unique eyebrows or glasses, like Moondancer.
Although the story doesn't benefit from having that kind of structure. It probably would have been better to take matters chronologically, from the start of Thunderlane's day, and remain in present tense.
The writing feels choppy and repetitive, but again, I think that's stylistic, to reflect Thunderlane's sense of panic and haste.
Funny, although the only character who seems to confirm Thunderlane's fears is Rainbow Dash. And that could easily be written off as Dashie just being a jerk for fun.
Definitely needs a conclusion. His whole thing is that he's terrified of how Blossomforth will react, so ending with Blossomforth's reaction (whether she confirms his fears or just nuzzles him and says "silly boy, I don't care how edgy you look, now take me to a horsemovie and then let's have horsesex") would be the appropriate way to finish off.
Personally, I don't see why it would matter to Blossomforth; she's just a Twilight palette swap with wings. And Twilight has wings now. Blossomforth doesn't even have the distinction of unique eyebrows or glasses, like Moondancer.
Twilight Sparkle was nowhere to be found, but Twilight Velvet had been through this before and wasn’t unduly worried. She abandoned the search, and went to make some tea. Her little filly had found some unknown and very effective way to hide from her own family, but always reappeared in time for dinner. Making a batch of cookies had been known to improve the response time.
Then... Why the frantic search at the start of the chapter? That's like me tearing apart my house in search of my remote control when I know full well that I probably just left it in the dishwasher again.
Also, why is she rewarding her daughter's destructive impulses with cookies?
I don't think those initial paragraphs where Filly Twilight hides from a spanking really help the story any. They sort of confuse matters, in fact, since the story displaces itself temporally with little warning or notice. Setting it up with Twilight studying in her zone and narrating its origins might have been the better call.
Definitely funny, though. I actually liked the invocation of the literal noodle incident, and the punchline was both puntastic and canonically appropriate (orange you glad I caught that reference? :D)
I... I got nothin'. Beautiful, florid poetry, deeply evocative, fitting to Twilight's character, but I can't judge its structural or mechanical merits the way I could with a work of prose.
Abstaining. You moved me, but I can't score this based on how emotionally moved I was alone.
Abstaining. You moved me, but I can't score this based on how emotionally moved I was alone.
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I laughed out loud when I figured out where this story was going, but I don't think its potential is explored as much as it should be. The stuff that Twilight and Spike interact with should reflect the CMC a little bit more, and the Tom reference fell flat.
Give this another pass, author, and I'd be happy to read it on FiMfic and brag about it to my friends, family, and clergy.
Give this another pass, author, and I'd be happy to read it on FiMfic and brag about it to my friends, family, and clergy.
>>horizon and >>GroaningGreyAgony have said almost everything that was on my mind.
My advice on writing would be: Read the story out loud. It's an incredibly powerful way to gauge its flow. It makes unnecessary repetition and awkward wording really stand out. I think it should be the number one tool when you're editing your story - after number zero, the spell checker.
What I think could have elevated this story considerably is if you went for a humorous take. As others have said, we really needed to see what was happening inside Octavia's head. Does she think they're some sort of pest? Are these invasions maybe a regular thing? Maybe they're like annoying tourists, trying to peep on giant ponies, and ponies have in turn taken to just swatting them down like flies?
A pony trampling tiny space invaders seems like an inherently funny concept to me, and I'd have loved to laugh with it.
My advice on writing would be: Read the story out loud. It's an incredibly powerful way to gauge its flow. It makes unnecessary repetition and awkward wording really stand out. I think it should be the number one tool when you're editing your story - after number zero, the spell checker.
What I think could have elevated this story considerably is if you went for a humorous take. As others have said, we really needed to see what was happening inside Octavia's head. Does she think they're some sort of pest? Are these invasions maybe a regular thing? Maybe they're like annoying tourists, trying to peep on giant ponies, and ponies have in turn taken to just swatting them down like flies?
A pony trampling tiny space invaders seems like an inherently funny concept to me, and I'd have loved to laugh with it.
Oh, I thought I'd mention this. Of late, I've been running things through Google Translate and back again to come up with fun little nonsense passages, and I thought I'd do that with this poem. The results weren't all that amusing, but I had to share this line, at least:
"Tactless fluke" = "Vampire without a tentacle"
How silly, simple I was being -
I think I will prepare. What is it saying?
If I am impressed by the princess today,
A vampire without a tentacle - a scholar's sin?
"Tactless fluke" = "Vampire without a tentacle"
Genre: Dialogue / potential horror
Thoughts: Despite my leeriness about the format, I thought the main bit of this was surprisingly strong and emotional. We're slowly lulled into thinking that it's going to be an episode recap as we get oriented to the setting, but then the bad stuff starts creeping in around the edges. Spike does a great job of selling his reaction to whatever inauspicious fate has befallen poor Twilight. If anything, having a little less in the way of specifics about her state would help this take a welcome step toward horror.
But then there's the ending bit. I think it blunts the impact of the Spike section by being so much less emotionally charged. I think you could easily take it out and add the sting about the sun coming up to the end of the main section. That would have an even bigger punch.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Despite my leeriness about the format, I thought the main bit of this was surprisingly strong and emotional. We're slowly lulled into thinking that it's going to be an episode recap as we get oriented to the setting, but then the bad stuff starts creeping in around the edges. Spike does a great job of selling his reaction to whatever inauspicious fate has befallen poor Twilight. If anything, having a little less in the way of specifics about her state would help this take a welcome step toward horror.
But then there's the ending bit. I think it blunts the impact of the Spike section by being so much less emotionally charged. I think you could easily take it out and add the sting about the sun coming up to the end of the main section. That would have an even bigger punch.
Tier: Almost There
>>HorseVoice
I interpreted that as her being disappointed it wasn't something spookier. She's not afraid of it, and that's actually what she's bothered about.
But then, why does she say things like, "A library? Really? Boooooo."
I interpreted that as her being disappointed it wasn't something spookier. She's not afraid of it, and that's actually what she's bothered about.
>>FanOfMostEverything "Ritual seems to form around princesses like dust on the back shelves" love that comment, and love the story. Definitely my favorite so far.
Thanks :)
Thanks :)
For those wondering, here's a quick guide to the title and the love interest’s name.
I definitely get what the intent is: Assembling something based on scraps taken outside of their normal contexts, resulting in something unrecognizable as the original concept. Of course, true incomprehensibility would make the story unreadable, but you made have overcompensated. There just isn’t enough here that’s eye-catchingly weird. Plenty that’s vague, yes, and that’s well-used as a way to gloss over the details the narrator doesn’t know.
However, that’s really where the story starts to fall apart. The narrator actually knows too much for a member of a society that believes there’s nothing but them and the earth (which raises questions on its own; at the very least, they need to dig ventilation shafts.) While the concept is intriguing, the execution results in irreconcilable contradictions. Think about this one a bit more before expanding it, but definitely do expand it.
(Also, of course the griffin is named Ghoti; how else could Miss Fish maintain the naming convention? ;) )
I definitely get what the intent is: Assembling something based on scraps taken outside of their normal contexts, resulting in something unrecognizable as the original concept. Of course, true incomprehensibility would make the story unreadable, but you made have overcompensated. There just isn’t enough here that’s eye-catchingly weird. Plenty that’s vague, yes, and that’s well-used as a way to gloss over the details the narrator doesn’t know.
However, that’s really where the story starts to fall apart. The narrator actually knows too much for a member of a society that believes there’s nothing but them and the earth (which raises questions on its own; at the very least, they need to dig ventilation shafts.) While the concept is intriguing, the execution results in irreconcilable contradictions. Think about this one a bit more before expanding it, but definitely do expand it.
(Also, of course the griffin is named Ghoti; how else could Miss Fish maintain the naming convention? ;) )
If this isn’t a Teen Girl Squad crossover, I’m going to be a little disappointed.
KERSPLODED!
(I am so sorry. I set myself up too well not to.)
In any case, I will note that any sufficiently large explosion produces a mushroom cloud, not just nuclear weapons. Still, while Twilight’s grief is palpable, the story doesn’t feel resolved. It’s tragic, yes, but ironically enough, it isn’t over. I’m left asking “And then what?” Not in a good way, either. I’m not sure what I want more of here, but I definitely feel this needs more to work properly.
KERSPLODED!
(I am so sorry. I set myself up too well not to.)
In any case, I will note that any sufficiently large explosion produces a mushroom cloud, not just nuclear weapons. Still, while Twilight’s grief is palpable, the story doesn’t feel resolved. It’s tragic, yes, but ironically enough, it isn’t over. I’m left asking “And then what?” Not in a good way, either. I’m not sure what I want more of here, but I definitely feel this needs more to work properly.
I didn’t see a single political bone in this story’s body. Honestly, I found it rather amusing, especially if the argument was genuine. Consider having all of the changelings boggle at one another for a moment before taking advantage of the opportunity.
>>JudgeDeadd
Gene, Tom and John were all named right up from the start. in paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.
>>JudgeDeadd
Could have been plenty of fun, under a different Prompt and premis.
Gene, Tom and John were all named right up from the start. in paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.
>>JudgeDeadd
Could have been plenty of fun, under a different Prompt and premis.
Alicorn Catgirl Twilight-chanWhat.
This turned out a lot better than I feared, but as has been said, you have infinite Twilights. Use them! Especially since there should be more than a few of them who have already had the Midnight experience. Heck, I’m surprised that they didn’t form some kind of Midnight Persuasion Committee.
Fun, but I look forward to seeing what happens when you unpack this.
As has been said, there’s no apparent need for the second-person perspective. It doesn’t do nearly as much as you hope it does to increase immersion; all it does it remind the reader that no, they aren’t actually working their way through the Canterlot slightly-less-militarized zone.
This idea is really not made for minifics. You’ve sacrificed motivation and characterization for raw action, tension, and an all-too-literal example of stopping rather than ending. A lot happens, but we have no context for why or knowledge of the stakes. This guy might as well be carrying Marcellus Wallace’s suitcase for all we know.
The good news is that this is ripe soil for an expansion where you’ll have the room to properly set the scene. I look forward to it.
This idea is really not made for minifics. You’ve sacrificed motivation and characterization for raw action, tension, and an all-too-literal example of stopping rather than ending. A lot happens, but we have no context for why or knowledge of the stakes. This guy might as well be carrying Marcellus Wallace’s suitcase for all we know.
The good news is that this is ripe soil for an expansion where you’ll have the room to properly set the scene. I look forward to it.
It was a doll who looked just like Celestia. Only with a smaller tummy.
What is the fascination with tummies?
While it feels as if the story lack the energy to draw me in, it doesn't lack finess in the trickery to get Starlight.
That’s weird. I don’t see Cynewulf in the author guessing.
I would happily watch My Little Hivemind: Friendship is Numerous.
Now this is how you pull off an infinite Twilight story. Magnificently done. Thank you for it.
I would happily watch My Little Hivemind: Friendship is Numerous.
Now this is how you pull off an infinite Twilight story. Magnificently done. Thank you for it.
Some of us still type out the title in our review compilation documents, you know. You’re lucky I know how to add umlauts.
You’re not lucky that I haven’t played any of the Half-Life games. The reference didn’t go over my head so much as it took place in a different space-time continuum entirely, so I was just left wondering what was even going on until I read the comments. Crossovers need to be at least somewhat accessible for the uninitiated, especially in events like these were we don’t have any advance warning. Sorry, but this one isn’t going to do well on my slate.
You’re not lucky that I haven’t played any of the Half-Life games. The reference didn’t go over my head so much as it took place in a different space-time continuum entirely, so I was just left wondering what was even going on until I read the comments. Crossovers need to be at least somewhat accessible for the uninitiated, especially in events like these were we don’t have any advance warning. Sorry, but this one isn’t going to do well on my slate.
Beautifully done. Between the lavish description and Twilight’s unintentional echo of Luna’s greatest grievance, this worked very well indeed. My only question is why Twilight isn’t waking up her mother instead of Celestia, but that doesn’t detract from my enjoyment of the piece.
Twilestia, apparently. Okay then.
I think the deal breaker at the end was too much at once. Flurry? Fine. An adult with cyanide? Fine. Both? A bit much. Overall, though, this was a delight.
I really didn’t expect this sort of thing out of Blueblood. I always saw him as an arsenic kind of pony.I just want to call out this passage, because it got me to literally laugh out loud.
I think the deal breaker at the end was too much at once. Flurry? Fine. An adult with cyanide? Fine. Both? A bit much. Overall, though, this was a delight.
Ported straight from a Twilight Zone episode, and rather flatly at that. As has been noted, the text is lifeless, going into excessive detail about some actions and getting terribly telly with others. We don’t need to know the details of every step Octavia takes, and transposing the role of a rural housewife onto a professional cellist flat-out doesn’t work. Adaptations are fine, but think about how changing the setting and characters will change the story.
In all, this will need a complete overhaul to live up to its potential.
In all, this will need a complete overhaul to live up to its potential.
This is trying to build up an exquisite mansion of horror, but it only has time to upend a pail of sand. Plus, there are little details like Twilight’s unexplained inability to read the book herself, Emily’s unconventional name, and Spike’s surprising willingness to read something so horrific without any interruptions. Some more time and space will do wonders for this. For now, it’s just kind of there.
I have to say, this story tickled me. There's some good advice in the other reviews on how to make it even better, but it still got me to smile as is. Not sure what that says about me...
"Forelegos" is a forced pun even by pony standards, and the age bracket shift in the punchline is a bit off-putting. Those points aside, this was a delightful story. We don't get nearly enough of Spike's interactions with the other members of Twilight's family.
I'm going to have to join those wondering just what happened once Twilight started applying Haycartes's methods. And what crawled up Spike's rear and died, for that matter. We've seen him receive books with resignation, not rage, and if this takes place after "Secret of My Excess," then he should know the perils of excessive acquisitiveness.
This has the makings of some incredible surreal adventure/horror, but as is, you have some key adjustments to make in tone and clarity.
This has the makings of some incredible surreal adventure/horror, but as is, you have some key adjustments to make in tone and clarity.
This opening really doesn't work in a world where the weather isn't just scheduled and manually operated, it needs to be.
Aside from that issue, this works fantastically, especially the ending. Make the storm blow in from the Everfree at the start and this will be gold.
Aside from that issue, this works fantastically, especially the ending. Make the storm blow in from the Everfree at the start and this will be gold.
Points for explaining why they didn't just fly. I was going to ask that myself.
Now if only you explained everything else. Unlabeled AUs are one thing. Unlabeled AUs where everything I know is a lie as I come in midway through the story? That I don't appreciate. It's a poor twist when I have no understanding of just about anything after the revelation.
Now if only you explained everything else. Unlabeled AUs are one thing. Unlabeled AUs where everything I know is a lie as I come in midway through the story? That I don't appreciate. It's a poor twist when I have no understanding of just about anything after the revelation.
I don't have the poetic chops to really unpack all this, but:
1) Points for making me look up a word. Doesn't happen often.
2) The mirror structure is damned impressive and, if I read the meaning in the poetry itself right, all the more impressive for it.
1) Points for making me look up a word. Doesn't happen often.
2) The mirror structure is damned impressive and, if I read the meaning in the poetry itself right, all the more impressive for it.
I'm okay with Rainbow asking why Twilight sticks around. Life is natural, but the state Twilight is in certainly doesn't seem to be. She doesn't appear to be in any pain or really inconvenienced, but it seems fair to wonder why someone wouldn't want to move on to the (allegedly) better side.
Though I certainly understand >>Not_A_Hat's reading of it.
I kind of got a weird "All Dogs Go to Heaven" vibe off of this, which certainly isn't a bad thing.
Though I certainly understand >>Not_A_Hat's reading of it.
I kind of got a weird "All Dogs Go to Heaven" vibe off of this, which certainly isn't a bad thing.
>>FanOfMostEverything
This and other comments have knocked the "forelegos" thing. I just want to go on the record as saying I found it delightful and I hope you keep it. It's a groan-worthy pun to be sure, but I would argue that it fits the milieu for that very reason.
This and other comments have knocked the "forelegos" thing. I just want to go on the record as saying I found it delightful and I hope you keep it. It's a groan-worthy pun to be sure, but I would argue that it fits the milieu for that very reason.
>>CoffeeMinion
Ditto. And even if you get rid of it, I'll make sure it lives on, it's the appropriate kind of groan inducing and heartwarming.
I just want to go on the record as saying I found it delightful and I hope you keep it.
Ditto. And even if you get rid of it, I'll make sure it lives on, it's the appropriate kind of groan inducing and heartwarming.
This falls somewhere between V's famous soliloquy, and a certain sentence (27 pages long) in The Illuminatis Triology, which isn't, by itself a bad thing. It seems to do a paragraph-long reinterpretation of the songs from the show as well, which is slightly interesting.
Then it cuts out to a frame, and the author mocks their own story, which to me comes across as a trite way of saying "See, I'm being ironically non-nonsensical, so now it's art!"
It's not, and the meta-humor makes it fall precipitously in my estimation. Sorry.
Then it cuts out to a frame, and the author mocks their own story, which to me comes across as a trite way of saying "See, I'm being ironically non-nonsensical, so now it's art!"
It's not, and the meta-humor makes it fall precipitously in my estimation. Sorry.
Interesting concept, and I'm ashamed to say I didn't get the Truman Show reference (despite the title) until reading other comments. I guess I've just read too much sci-fi where this sort of thing happens for a Jim Carrey movie to be my go to. My actual first thought was Ascension (short lived syfy series.)
Regardless of my enthusiasm for the set-up, the plot holes it leaves me with are huge. The premise causes far, far more questions than it answers. On top of that, the story itself doesn't do much except set up the premise. There's no character growth beyond that, and so I'm going to say something rarely said in these minific contests. This story was longer than it needed to be.
Still, decent writing, so goes to the middle of the pack.
Regardless of my enthusiasm for the set-up, the plot holes it leaves me with are huge. The premise causes far, far more questions than it answers. On top of that, the story itself doesn't do much except set up the premise. There's no character growth beyond that, and so I'm going to say something rarely said in these minific contests. This story was longer than it needed to be.
Still, decent writing, so goes to the middle of the pack.
Okay, I absolutely adored Dash as lawyer here. It's perfect. Also, "smugged" as a verb is brilliant! The swearing in was also an awesome gag, ditto Iron Will rhyming.
However, "Hell naw fam" just sounded so out of place, it really threw me. Both because it doesn't match the more intelligent vernacular she uses after that, and because Vinyl is silent in all canon. Ditto the overflight bit, but that turned into a meta-joke about authorial mistakes that at least halfway worked, but that was where it kinda starts to spiral. Harshwinny refusing to swear, EQG Luna, for no reason, and all to set up a dad joke. Basically, the first half of the story sets a tight expectation of pacing, and the second half seems to struggle to maintain it.
And yeah, drop the last line.
However, "Hell naw fam" just sounded so out of place, it really threw me. Both because it doesn't match the more intelligent vernacular she uses after that, and because Vinyl is silent in all canon. Ditto the overflight bit, but that turned into a meta-joke about authorial mistakes that at least halfway worked, but that was where it kinda starts to spiral. Harshwinny refusing to swear, EQG Luna, for no reason, and all to set up a dad joke. Basically, the first half of the story sets a tight expectation of pacing, and the second half seems to struggle to maintain it.
And yeah, drop the last line.
The twist is a bit more silly and jarring than I would have hoped, but it works out. Nothing except disgust to stop her from going back, I suppose. Plus, points for "omphaloskeptic."
Though I'm a bit curious why it wasn't made of stone when she was young.
Though I'm a bit curious why it wasn't made of stone when she was young.
I think this may be the most canon-friendly story in the contest. By that, I mean, this works as a show episode. There's no meta-jokes, no fandom references, and nothing unsuitable for kids age seven and up. It's very well polished too, and a story that actually feels complete is a rarity in these minific rounds.
That said, my enthusiasm for this story is tempered by the fact that it didn't go where I wanted it to. Halfway through, my brain started spinning an idea of this Order as the last bastions of knowledge in some far future dystopia. Or some bulwark of scientific method against forces of ignorance. In shorted, I wanted the nerdy version of The Feels.
But I can hardly fault the author for delivering a nice and sweet comedy piece instead reading my mind. :-)
That said, my enthusiasm for this story is tempered by the fact that it didn't go where I wanted it to. Halfway through, my brain started spinning an idea of this Order as the last bastions of knowledge in some far future dystopia. Or some bulwark of scientific method against forces of ignorance. In shorted, I wanted the nerdy version of The Feels.
But I can hardly fault the author for delivering a nice and sweet comedy piece instead reading my mind. :-)
>>Rao
I legit hadn't even considered that. Good point.
Though I'm a bit curious why it wasn't made of stone when she was young.
I legit hadn't even considered that. Good point.
"Flutteryshy" - Minor typo. Maybe? Never can tell with Pinkie. Always nice to see a bit of FlutterHulk pop out, too.
I have a bit of experience with long ass, turn based table top games (Warmachine hype) so I can appreciate the premise. But, and this may be all but impossible in the mini-fic limit, I feel like more meat could have been had with the cast turning toward the game rather than jumping straight to the "damnit, let's do it again" phase.
I have a bit of experience with long ass, turn based table top games (Warmachine hype) so I can appreciate the premise. But, and this may be all but impossible in the mini-fic limit, I feel like more meat could have been had with the cast turning toward the game rather than jumping straight to the "damnit, let's do it again" phase.
Others already pointed out the technical problems, so I'll skip those. My problem is this doesn't sound like Luna. First, she was shown as having an old-english type of accent after her return, and that's absent here. The introspection here also feels forced, rather than flowing naturally as thoughts do.
Another thing that's odd: Evening Star is actually the star of the story. She has personality, and is obviously on casual terms with Luna. That's something that caught my interest far more than where I knew the story was going (that is, Luna's Fall.) Show me more of her, how that came to be, where she goes during the day! That hooked me!
Another thing that's odd: Evening Star is actually the star of the story. She has personality, and is obviously on casual terms with Luna. That's something that caught my interest far more than where I knew the story was going (that is, Luna's Fall.) Show me more of her, how that came to be, where she goes during the day! That hooked me!
Curse you Cold in Gardez, because now I have to compare every great narrative to Lost Cities! (And none quite live up to it.) :-) But still, this one has a great atmosphere, and some fun phrasing that's just strange enough to convey weirdness, without going into full on dystopian jargon like that awful Tom Hanks bit in Cloud Atlas.
On the technical side, the bit about east/west and the herd definitely through me, as it did others. I can only assume it was a typo, either that or space-time is really more messed up then the story implies. The other thing that threw me was Yak-Yakistan being to the south. The geography seemed confused. But then I read the last paragraph:
Then it all connected. The world is literally sideways after whatever disaster happened, and North isn't the same direction it used to be.
Overall, I like this one, but I'm not sold on the tone shift near the end. If it had stayed impersonal, it might've actually made for a stronger emotional punch than the actual, more emotional tone it does have.
On the technical side, the bit about east/west and the herd definitely through me, as it did others. I can only assume it was a typo, either that or space-time is really more messed up then the story implies. The other thing that threw me was Yak-Yakistan being to the south. The geography seemed confused. But then I read the last paragraph:
It was her, they say, who turned the world on its ear.
Then it all connected. The world is literally sideways after whatever disaster happened, and North isn't the same direction it used to be.
Overall, I like this one, but I'm not sold on the tone shift near the end. If it had stayed impersonal, it might've actually made for a stronger emotional punch than the actual, more emotional tone it does have.
The inclusion of song lines as basis for Twilight's portion is neat. Almost meta. But I'm struggling to find meaning in it all, as well as the relation to the prompt. Maybe "it's strange, and Twilight Zone is strange?" Could be my failing at play.
There are two things this story tries to do, IMHO. First, it tries to show the beauty of existence, and as it's a story, it has to do that with words. Unfortunately, I feel the language is a bit lacking here. Technical problems aside, there aren't really any phrases that leap out at me as "beautiful," nor do I get a sense of flow and cadence that puts me in the mind of poetry. That's not to say the writing is bad, far from it, but it doesn't accomplish what (I think) it sets out to do.
The second thing this story does is explore the philosophical question most commonly called "The Best of All Possible Worlds." Here it also falls short, as the answer we're given is just "friends." While the answer isn't bad at all, it's just not driven home strongly enough by the narrative. If we'd been shown what worlds look like without friendship as a contrast, that could help. Or if we see the other "good" things in life, and show how a pony can still be sad if they're alone, despite health, wealth, glory, etc.
Bottom line, this story sets two VERY lofty goals for itself, and it falls short. Not because it's a bad story, just that those goals are so difficult to attain.
The second thing this story does is explore the philosophical question most commonly called "The Best of All Possible Worlds." Here it also falls short, as the answer we're given is just "friends." While the answer isn't bad at all, it's just not driven home strongly enough by the narrative. If we'd been shown what worlds look like without friendship as a contrast, that could help. Or if we see the other "good" things in life, and show how a pony can still be sad if they're alone, despite health, wealth, glory, etc.
Bottom line, this story sets two VERY lofty goals for itself, and it falls short. Not because it's a bad story, just that those goals are so difficult to attain.
Echoing the rest of the comments I'm afraid. Generally good, and it feels like the start of an interesting philosophical discussion, but it just kinda fades out before reaching anything grand (or galloping.) If anonymity means freedom from expectations, then he needs to cut loose and do something a tad wild. If anonymity means lack of responsibility, then he needs to do something rude or uncouth. If anonymity means no fear of social standings, then he should just kiss her!
So, everything others said above mostly holds for me too. It's a little confusing as to an exact timeline, but the real problem is there's just enough hints to make us think that timeline is relevant, when it really shouldn't be to the core of the story here.
Beyond what everyone else has said, I think the real problem here is this story is static. We very quickly see something big and tragic has happened, the city is gone, and there's a hole in the mountain. Setup is now over. What this tries to do is show Twilight dealing with the emotional fallout (sorry, had to), but instead, we see more descriptions of the destruction, descriptions which tell us nothing new.
Stories like this need to build. If you start off slow, you can build up the reveal of what happened. Show more and more details, each increasing the reader's understanding of the scale of the horror. Simultaneously (or instead of, if you want to focus) you should have the character advance emotionally as well. Unfortunately, by paragraph six, we know all we need to about what happened, AND we see Twilight deal with it by ignoring it. At the end of the story, we know nothing additional about the tragedy, AND Twilight is still just ignoring it. There is no advancement on either front, and so the story falls flat, despite an interesting premise.
Beyond what everyone else has said, I think the real problem here is this story is static. We very quickly see something big and tragic has happened, the city is gone, and there's a hole in the mountain. Setup is now over. What this tries to do is show Twilight dealing with the emotional fallout (sorry, had to), but instead, we see more descriptions of the destruction, descriptions which tell us nothing new.
Stories like this need to build. If you start off slow, you can build up the reveal of what happened. Show more and more details, each increasing the reader's understanding of the scale of the horror. Simultaneously (or instead of, if you want to focus) you should have the character advance emotionally as well. Unfortunately, by paragraph six, we know all we need to about what happened, AND we see Twilight deal with it by ignoring it. At the end of the story, we know nothing additional about the tragedy, AND Twilight is still just ignoring it. There is no advancement on either front, and so the story falls flat, despite an interesting premise.
I'm really left with just one big question. Why doesn't it feel touch? Maybe I've read too many scifi stories along this theme, or thought about it too much for my own, but... By the point where you can upload minds (via magic or technology) into new forms, surely you're aware there will be psychological implications? I mean, even NASA does tons of research on psychology of long term space habitation, and that's when "long term" is just a Mars mission.
So, that said, my first impression going into this story is "How did Twlight become so cold-hearted and/or stupid?" I'm afraid that then colored the rest of my reading.
Overall, I want more from this. I think it's not badly written, but as Kami points out, it's really just a meditation on loneliness. It has very little (if anything) to do with Twilight, or for that matter, MLP. Search/replace Twilight with any given human name (and fix that horrible backronym) and it's the same story.
So, that said, my first impression going into this story is "How did Twlight become so cold-hearted and/or stupid?" I'm afraid that then colored the rest of my reading.
Overall, I want more from this. I think it's not badly written, but as Kami points out, it's really just a meditation on loneliness. It has very little (if anything) to do with Twilight, or for that matter, MLP. Search/replace Twilight with any given human name (and fix that horrible backronym) and it's the same story.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I'd love to see a Flufflepuff-style take on Bookhorse the StarWalrus vs. Lavender Hivemind! I'm just picturing a dozen lobsters with clipboards scurrying on top of everything and everypony, taking notes and measuring, while some giant tub of lard lies on its side like Jabba the Hutt.
Overall, I agree with most of the above comments. The middle is the best part, and needs expansion and dialog from other strange Twilights, instead of just the one Imperator Twilightosa (or whatever mad max reference is appropriate.)
The actual joke, while a bit cheesy works well enough. Though probably anything inane could've worked for "The Question" without changing the impact, so that almost shouldn't count.
Still though, I think this one does what it sets out to do. It's punchy and to the point, with just enough twists to make it a fun ride.
I'd love to see a Flufflepuff-style take on Bookhorse the StarWalrus vs. Lavender Hivemind! I'm just picturing a dozen lobsters with clipboards scurrying on top of everything and everypony, taking notes and measuring, while some giant tub of lard lies on its side like Jabba the Hutt.
Overall, I agree with most of the above comments. The middle is the best part, and needs expansion and dialog from other strange Twilights, instead of just the one Imperator Twilightosa (or whatever mad max reference is appropriate.)
The actual joke, while a bit cheesy works well enough. Though probably anything inane could've worked for "The Question" without changing the impact, so that almost shouldn't count.
Still though, I think this one does what it sets out to do. It's punchy and to the point, with just enough twists to make it a fun ride.
Deposit wholly your woes in the riverstream, and take up the tainted elision as flywheel gyrates… No, sorry. I would like to produce a review in the style of this piece, and on a good day I might achieve it, but this is not that day.
I can catch bits of show references and song lyrics and titles, but I cannot quite string them together as to make sense. I admire the sound of what the author has produced, and it took some erudition and cultural knowledge to produce it. But it has just a bit too much sense to it to make one reluctant to interpret it as pure nonsense, and not enough sense to encourage one to look for a deeper meaning.
The ending seems to be tacked on to justify or excuse the first half, but it just seems to show that the author doesn’t think it’s worth puzzling over either, and if that’s the case, why should I bother?
I can catch bits of show references and song lyrics and titles, but I cannot quite string them together as to make sense. I admire the sound of what the author has produced, and it took some erudition and cultural knowledge to produce it. But it has just a bit too much sense to it to make one reluctant to interpret it as pure nonsense, and not enough sense to encourage one to look for a deeper meaning.
The ending seems to be tacked on to justify or excuse the first half, but it just seems to show that the author doesn’t think it’s worth puzzling over either, and if that’s the case, why should I bother?
Mostly agreeing here again, funny in places, but just didn't gel for me. There were some good lines, but overall it just had that #random feel to it.
Also, I wanted a better description for cyanide taste than "bitter metallic." Since cyanide is found in apple seeds, peach pits, and almonds, it would've made it sound less like "generic poison" to describe it compared to one of those instead.
Also, I wanted a better description for cyanide taste than "bitter metallic." Since cyanide is found in apple seeds, peach pits, and almonds, it would've made it sound less like "generic poison" to describe it compared to one of those instead.
I... I don't get it. Why is Twilight upset? What "failures" is she overseeing? The reveal at the end leaves it making even less sense to me.
What I did take away from this was an inkling of emotion about how prophecy is tricky to interpret, and an "end" can be a "beginning" as well. There's some strong potential in that idea, but this story left me scratching my head far too much to appreciate it.
What I did take away from this was an inkling of emotion about how prophecy is tricky to interpret, and an "end" can be a "beginning" as well. There's some strong potential in that idea, but this story left me scratching my head far too much to appreciate it.
This one meanders... at first, it's a bit cozy, and I like that. The connections she makes flow naturally, but unfortunately it doesn't really go anywhere strong. There's no payoff or conclusion, just a... well GroaningGreyAgony says it best, a "Slice of Thought."
Also, "predictive nomenclature"? Dear author, did you perhaps mean to say "nominative determinism"? :-) The latter makes far more sense, given the "name is destiny" latin that follows it.
Overall, ignoring that (and a few other minor typos) I'm afraid this comes out only at middle-of-the-pack for me. It's decent writing, but as a friend of mine says, it "goes nowhere, does nothing."
Also, "predictive nomenclature"? Dear author, did you perhaps mean to say "nominative determinism"? :-) The latter makes far more sense, given the "name is destiny" latin that follows it.
Overall, ignoring that (and a few other minor typos) I'm afraid this comes out only at middle-of-the-pack for me. It's decent writing, but as a friend of mine says, it "goes nowhere, does nothing."
Hmm... First impressions and second impressions. Normally they don't vary much for me. This one drops slightly on the second pass though, but... mostly for technical reasons. Overall, I like the idea. It's a fairly unique premise, with the ghostly existence between normalized quickly in the story, rather than a tragic end or horrid twist. I also appreciate that the story does a good job showing a parallel between a "lesser" life as a ghost, and as a retired stunt-flier. It lives in this melancholy middle-ground, without going to the highs and lows most other stories rely on, and it does a pretty good job while there.
As mentioned, there are some technical problems, most called out by others already, but to reiterate, the few that stuck out to me were:
The opening... like horizon, I really thought Dash was leaving. I also thought she was the caretaker. That she'd gotten some gardening job in retirement. Having a garden and a statue mentioned, yet having it be indoors... work on that. Also, you describe the library has being lined with bookshelves. We know that. Don't waste precious opening paragraph words on telling us what a library looks like. Or, tell us what the room looks like, instead of naming it "library." But don't do both.
The statue and the plaque go against the overall vibe. It makes her death try to seem more epic. This story isn't about if it was worth it, it's about what her (half)life is like now. Don't side track.
Exposition: Others already hit most of this, but yeah... conversation needs to make sense for the characters, not just the audience.
All that said, this is still going pretty high on my list, as it feels both properly "pony" and properly "twilight zone."
As mentioned, there are some technical problems, most called out by others already, but to reiterate, the few that stuck out to me were:
The opening... like horizon, I really thought Dash was leaving. I also thought she was the caretaker. That she'd gotten some gardening job in retirement. Having a garden and a statue mentioned, yet having it be indoors... work on that. Also, you describe the library has being lined with bookshelves. We know that. Don't waste precious opening paragraph words on telling us what a library looks like. Or, tell us what the room looks like, instead of naming it "library." But don't do both.
The statue and the plaque go against the overall vibe. It makes her death try to seem more epic. This story isn't about if it was worth it, it's about what her (half)life is like now. Don't side track.
Exposition: Others already hit most of this, but yeah... conversation needs to make sense for the characters, not just the audience.
All that said, this is still going pretty high on my list, as it feels both properly "pony" and properly "twilight zone."