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The Twilight Zone · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Shortest Coup d'état in Equestrian History
When Twilight received an invitation for a “special meeting” with Celestia, she had expected some paperwork, some tea and biscuits, maybe a passionate cuddling session if all went well. Instead, she found herself standing before the throne, thoroughly uncuddled, with the horrendous odor of lemon-scented cologne in her nose. She never thought that standing next to Prince Blueblood could be a form of torture.

“And that’s the jist of it,” Celestia said. “Luna and I have been running ourselves ragged ruling over all twenty-four hours in the day. So from this moment on, Twilight, you are the Princess of Dusk, and Blueblood, you are the Prince of Dawn. Congratulations!”

Next to her, Prince Blueblood snorted. “I don’t see why I should have to share any part of the day with her.

“I agree,” Twilight said. “I appreciate the thought, but do we have to work together? Can’t Blueblood have both dawn and dusk?”

Celestia nodded. “It’s a hard job, so he’ll need the help. And besides, Twilight, you’re always saying you want more responsibility. And Blueblood, you need to fulfill your court-mandated community service hours.”

“I believe my existence is service enough,” Blueblood said, turning up his nose. “Nevertheless, I will take the position with pride. I shall be the greatest monarch the dawn has ever seen! Ponies shall look on my works and despair!”

Twilight forced herself to smile. “What he said.”

The two new rulers trotted out of the throne room. Once they rounded a corner, Twilight sighed.

“Listen,” she said. “I don’t know how this ‘Princess of Dusk’ thing works, but if it’s what Celestia wants, then I’ll go along with it. I know we’re not good friends. But can we agree to make nice?”

"Of course, my dear Twilight,” Blueblood said, bowing his head. “For the good of my country, we'll put our differences aside. No matter how frumpy I find your manecut.”

Twilight glowered. “Right.”






The next morning, Twilight trotted into her kitchen and found a steaming bowl of porridge waiting at the table. Marveling at how wonderful her favorite little chef/assistant/tea warmer could be, she eagerly took her seat at the table.

Twilight inhaled the scent of her meal—and wrinkled her nose when she picked up a hint of lemon. Professionalism be damned, she wanted to keep Blueblood as far out of her mind as possible.

Then again, it is dawn right about now, she thought, shoveling the sweet mush into her mouth. Maybe his first decree was to make all of Equestria smell just like him...

She stopped as a strong metallic taste washed over her tongue. Swallowing what food she had left in her mouth, Twilight took a moment to ponder the familiar taste; she thought back to her years as an expert scientist. She remembered constantly searching for new materials to work with, conducting vigorous, vigorous experiments on any chemical she could find.

“Spike,” she called, “why did you put cyanide in my porridge?”

“Aha!” Blueblood cried, jumping out from under the sink. “You've fallen into my trap!”

“What trap?” Twilight asked. “Did you seriously try to poison me?”

“Try? I’ve succeeded!” Blueblood said. “In mere moments, your breathing will cease, leaving moi as the ruler of both dawn and dusk! No longer will I have to share my throne—soon, eternal power shall be mine!”

The monarchs stared at one another.

Blueblood’s grin stayed static. “You may begin dying now, you know.”

“Blueblood, I’m immortal.”

“Yes, I know you’re immoral. I’ve seen your mane."

Another moment of silence.

Twilight threw Blueblood out the window.






“I’m sorry about this,” said Celestia, pouring tea for Twilight. “I really didn’t expect this sort of thing out of Blueblood. I always saw him as an arsenic kind of pony.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Twilight said. “Sometimes you just want some porridge, and you end up surviving an assassination attempt. It happens.”

“In any case, I’ve handled it. Now Blueblood knows the cost of treason.” Celestia looked into the night sky. “He’s been sent to the moon.”

Twilight gasped.

“Wait, I misspoke,” Celestia said. “His room. He’s been sent to his room.”

“Oh.”

“But fear not! I’ve already chosen his replacement,” Celestia said. She pointed to the doorway. “Behold!”

The doors to Celestia’s chambers swung wide open, letting in a blast of light. Twilight squinted to make out the tiny silhouette standing in the threshold.

Princess Flurry Heart waddled inside, a rattle in one hoof and a bottle of cyanide in the other.
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#1 · 2
· · >>Ritsuko >>Dubs_Rewatcher
If this one doesn't medal I will be deeply disappointed.
#2 · 2
· · >>Fenton >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Eh. This feels a little too random. Especially the ending. Flurry Heart with cyanide! How wacky! OMG! I get that it's meant to be comedy, but "random" isn't necessarily funny.

Also, I don't get this at all.
“Yes, I know you’re immoral. I’ve seen your mane."


Immoral? I get he's being so stupid he doesn't know what immortal means, but why is Twilight's mane "immoral"? It's a really weird thing to say. The whole story feels random, but that bit in particular bothered me a ton because I feel like it was trying to make a very specific joke but failed.
#3 · 4
·
A big yes, a bigger yes and a small no.

The comedy is really good and I smiled the entire time. The story go straight to the point and I think it's really suits comedy stories. Moreover, the assassination attempt scene was really great.

The small no goes for the second co-ruler Celestia presents to Twilight. Flurry Heart? I expected another member of the aristocracy, like Fancy Pants or Trender Hoof, not the creepiest baby in Equestria.

>>SPark
Also, I don't get this at all.

“Yes, I know you’re immoral. I’ve seen your mane."


Immoral? I get he's being so stupid he doesn't know what immortal means, but why is Twilight's mane "immoral"? It's a really weird thing to say. The whole story feels random, but that bit in particular bothered me a ton because I feel like it was trying to make a very specific joke but failed.


The joke here is that Blueblood find that Twilight's mane is a crime against fashion, she doesn't have any standards regarding how to comb her mane. Thus the immoral, and the pun with immortal. A good pun in my book.
#4 · 4
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
This story has everything I love. Cavalier attitude to murder, defenestrations, poisoning as a traditional form of interaction among nobles and phrenology applied to mane-styles.

And yet I feel like it is missing something.

My inability to articulate exactly what went wrong and didn't made it click for me is frustrating. The various pieces are entertaining and well written and should work better together.

I suppose it comes down to the transitions between the scenes. They make the story feel a bit disjointed, which damages the comedic timing. I'm really sorry I can't give you a better reason, but I will try to come up with something more coherent in the coming week.
#5 · 5
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
lemon-scented cologne


"New, Lemon Pledge from FlimFlamFabulousFinishes! You too can smell like well-polished antique furniture today! Made with real lemonish bits! Guaranteed to not attract termites! Thirty percent of the time it works every time! past performance is not indicative of future results. Prices and participation may vary. Totally different from Lemon Pledge furniture polish, we promise. May attract panthers."

Anyways, this got some sniggers out of me despite the lolsorandom. I think it would be improved, though, if there was some totally nonsense justification for murdering Twilight. Like, it makes sense that Blueblood would try and poison her, and that feels like a mistake to me. Also, maybe Flurry Heart is more an arsenic pony...?
#6 ·
· · >>JudgeDeadd >>Dubs_Rewatcher
First off, thoughts demand "Sitation marks", just like spoken lines. There is no excuse.
I did enjoy the idea of having them together. She had to take the night hift of course.
>>Skywriter
Then I have to put a vote against you here.
#7 · 5
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Ritsuko
First off, thoughts demand "Sitation marks", just like spoken lines. There is no excuse.

I'm afraid this is not necessarily the case for English language
#8 · 1
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Genre: Defenestration

Thoughts: Sign me up with the crowd who felt this was funny but a bit off. The timing didn't quite line up, and the ending was a bit too WTF for me. But the guts of this are strong and it should be easy to clean up.

Tier: Almost There
#9 · 2
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Twilestia, apparently. Okay then.

I really didn’t expect this sort of thing out of Blueblood. I always saw him as an arsenic kind of pony.
I just want to call out this passage, because it got me to literally laugh out loud.

I think the deal breaker at the end was too much at once. Flurry? Fine. An adult with cyanide? Fine. Both? A bit much. Overall, though, this was a delight.
#10 ·
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Mostly agreeing here again, funny in places, but just didn't gel for me. There were some good lines, but overall it just had that #random feel to it.

Also, I wanted a better description for cyanide taste than "bitter metallic." Since cyanide is found in apple seeds, peach pits, and almonds, it would've made it sound less like "generic poison" to describe it compared to one of those instead.
#11 · 3
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
So, writing is solid, story does what I think it wants to do, and just falls utterly flat to me. This sort of humor works for some people, but for me, the pacing and build up of the jokes is pretty much non-existent, which causes them to fall pretty flat. Take it with a grain of salt, though, because based on upper comments, the humor does work for some people.
#12 ·
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Very funny, though the end didn't quite jive with the overall humor. It's nice to see Blueblood get some attention, because heaven knows I can't work with him.
#13 · 2
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
I was with this most of the way through, but a couple of the jokes fell flat. Celestia's slip of the tongue about the moon, and the final line, in particular. There's no reason Flurry Heart would be carrying cyanide, so it's not really funny to me, and calls back the earlier required suspension of disbelief about Blueblood being that dumb. (It is Blueblood, so it's not completely inconceivable, but...)
#14 · 1
·
Should have gotten 11th.

(the prompt relation is that since she's the Princess of it, dusk is "Twilight's Zone")

>>Skywriter
Thanks!
But also no thanks because you got my hopes up and made me think I was gonna win. Skywriter? More like BLUEBALLSwriter.

>>SPark
The immortal/immoral thing was a pun and a callback to the first scene.
Thanks for reading!

>>Orbiting_kettle
Missing? Your family is gonna report you missing when I kidnap you.
Thanks for reading!

>>Not_A_Hat
I really don't think this story is as random as everyone seems to think it is. Except for the ending. That's pretty random.
Thanks for reading!

>>Ritsuko
>>JudgeDeadd
Butts.

>>CoffeeMinion
I hope so. But I hate cleaning.
Thanks for reading!

>>FanOfMostEverything
I'll fix it up so you can say Thank You on FiM and make me smile.
Thanks for reading!

>>Xepher
Blame google for telling me that cyanide tastes like metal. I knew I should have tasted some before writing about it.
Thanks for reading!

>>AndrewRogue
Cool.
Thanks for reading! And buy your daughter a puppy.

>>Rao
I had no idea what I wanted to write about, so I opened up a session of Pony Clicker to see what random ponies it gave me. Blueblood was one of the first ones.
Thanks for reading!

>>Ranmilia
No reason? You've clearly never met Flurry Heart.
Thanks for reading!