Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

The Twilight Zone · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
The Outer Limits
The sputtering star that I've been flying toward finally gives out, the light from its death throes dwindling toward final blackness. It shows no signs of falling, though, which confirms my initial assessment that it will need to be relit. I take a bearing as its light fades, lock my wings, and coast.

Far, far below, Sol rises and sets seven times, and my illumination changes not a whit. Sol's not even half so bright as Proxima from here—even when it's above Equestria—and orders of magnitude fainter than nearby stars such as Markab. I'd pay it no mind, if it weren't for her.

Celestia's been on my mind a great deal, lately. That probably means I've been on hers. I'm not at all surprised when I coast up to the inky ember of Sadalbari to find a ghostly horse-form shimmering in its heat-haze.

"Luna's returned," my herd-sister mouths. There's no air here to carry sound, but I like to think—on no evidence—that she's deliberately shaping the words without breathing. Honoring my silence.

Good for her, I sign back with fluctuations in the flames of my mane.

Celestia's ghost-hoof scuffs at the stellar remnant, as if she's waiting for something more. I stare at her patiently. She glances away, embarrassed.

"She's moving the moon again," Celestia mouths.

This time it is I who waits, though she lets the sentence hang as though meaningful. And? I finally sign.

"She…" Celestia pauses and restarts. "We reconciled." She falters for a moment. "…I thought, maybe, we could too."

Annoyance flickers through my flames. She can't possibly miss it. I want nothing more than to relight Sadalbari and fly off again, but I can't do her the discourtesy of terminating the conversation. There is nothing to forgive, I sign instead. There never was. I found my stars. You found your world. We are happy now.

"I'm not," she mouths. "I miss you."

It is not my place to repair the fault in your emotions.

"Asteria," she mouths wearily, and despite everything, there is a tiny twinge at my heart.

I close my eyes to steady myself—remind myself of the infinite blackness against which I stand guardian. What would you have me do? Abandon the beacons? Let the void reclaim?

"Share the burden. There are four of us here, now. You need not be alone."

If you have three others, I sign, surely you do not need me.

Sadness touches her features. "I never did. I want you nonetheless."

I close my eyes for a long time, unwilling to chance the indignity of her pleading.

Let go, I finally sign.

She mouths nothing more, but neither does her figure turn away. I wait for as long as politeness dictates, then step forward toward Sadalbari. She does not stop me. I take that as my signal to return to my labor, and refuel the star before brushing the tip of my mane to its surface. Sadalbari sputters back to life, and I turn my back to it and fly on.

Sol rises and sets, rises and sets. Opposite its orbit, a second, smaller sphere circles the little ball of mud she calls home. Its motion is graceless, unpracticed; imprecise and passionate. A far cry from her mute and bloodless precision.

It occurs to me, in hindsight, how much it must have hurt her to move Luna's moon. How much heartbreak was sublimated in that punctuality. Refuge in routine.

Then I set course for the next flickering star. Soon, it will need to be relit.
« Prev   35   Next »
#1 · 1
· · >>horizon
Oooh, atmospheric! (No pun intended.) This crams a lot of world-building into very little space, while still showing us some character building as well. That's a nice trick to pull off here. I do think it might've been slightly over balanced on the sci-fi side, but that's nitpicking. Nicely done!
#2 · 1
· · >>horizon
I like this one. It has a lot of feeling, without being overwrought. (Geez I am going to have so much trouble ordering these for the voting. Too many good stories, not a lot I haven't enjoyed!)
#3 · 1
· · >>JudgeDeadd >>horizon
I think this would benefit from making what's going on a bit clearer a bit sooner. As it is, we don't know who the MC is until we're a good third/half of the way in, which means we really don't sink our teeth into the conflict until we're nearly done, and then it's all over.

Switching from first to third person would be a way to facilitate that somewhat; using a name instead of 'I' would make it clear that this isn't Luna, as I originally thought it might have been.

I feel like that last line is reaching for some sort of resolution here, but I can't quite tell what it's supposed to be. As-is, this is interesting, but doesn't really seem to have much emotional profile; some stuff happens, but it doesn't really seem to change much? It's intriguing, but not deeply satisfying.
#4 · 1
· · >>horizon
No, no, no! That’s a different show entirely! ;)

I admit, I had to recalibrate my expectations on this one. Between the prompt and all the far-future stuff I’ve already read, I thought for sure this was an aged and bitter Twilight. The reality was better than I could’ve ever expected. You could do some work to make it clearer earlier, but again, I suspect some of the confusion came from my uncleansed literary palate. All told, great job.
#5 · 2
· · >>horizon
This reminds me a lot of Bad Horse's story wherein Dotted Line saves Equestria by giving Celestia a hug, because Alicorns are mythical Space-Creatures. The name doesn't give much clue, so to me this piece is melancholy, but it's not saying much of anything to me - I'm not sure what the author wanted to convey, here.

Which is what I'd like to see, some sort of 'Here is what I wanted to say' message.
#6 ·
· · >>horizon
It's written in a very pretty style loaded with melancholy. That said there are way too many questions left unanswered regarding the wants and whys of the characters involved. So, yeah as it stands it didn't really work for me even if it is pretty.
#7 ·
· · >>JudgeDeadd
Genre: Sound and fury

Thoughts: I don't get it. I mean, I just straight up didn't get whatever is going on here, as well as who's doing what, and what it all means. There's some gorgeous prose in here, but Philistine that I am, the whole thing goes right over my head.

Now I'm certainly a bit dense, which doesn't help my cause; but I also see some other comments that reinforce my feeling that the story itself could bear to be clearer. In the absence of that clarity, the best I can do is leave it to the judgment of others.

Tier: Abstain Strong
#8 · 3
· · >>CoffeeMinion
I didn't really like it on my first reading; I agree with >>Not_A_Hat and >>CoffeeMinion that it's hard to figure out what's going on at first -- there's really nothing solid and familiar to hang onto, because the story is set in such an exotic setting and focuses on an entirely new character.

However, thing are clearer upon a re-read, and a surprisingly awesome, imaginative concept rears its head. The writing is really good too, although all the star names in the opening paragraphs get confusing, especially since it's not immediately clear that "Sol" is indeed the Equestrian sun (I've read numerous sci-fi stories, and I've gotten used that "Sol" usually refers to Earth's sun).

This is another story I'd love to see expanded on.

One thing that bothers me is that Asteria's role seems to be disproportional in relation to her sisters'; Celestia and Luna move a single celestial body each, around one particular planet, whereas Asteria apparently maintains the stars across the entire universe. Her role has way more of a cosmic scale, and this doesn't fit in with Celestia maintaining but a single "faint" sun (the story even emphasizes how unimportant Sol is in comparison to other stars.)
#9 · 2
· · >>horizon
>>JudgeDeadd
THANK YOU!!! Now I get it! What a powerful and beautiful bit of speculative headcanon. There's a tight little story in here that certainly deserves better than my earlier abstention.

I can see now that there was an attempt to introduce us to this new character and her tie back to the lore we know, but I feel it could bear to be more explicit for the sake of your slower readers (e.g., me). Keep the grand scale and the unique POV, but do a little more to help us get into it and you'll have my complete and enthusiastic support.

The most beautiful bits are Celestia's placement in the role of repentant younger sister, and the assessment from afar of Luna's handling of the moon. But these are also in need of a little attention IMO. Without any clue as to the nature of Celestia's falling out with our heroine, the situation loses some of its emotional resonance. Also, the latter scene begs the question of what kind of relationship (if any) that our heroine had with Luna. It's a small thing, but answering questions like those would do more to tether our heroine to the lore we know, which would also help make it clearer what all's going on.
#10 · 1
· · >>horizon
"The Titan goddess of nocturnal oracles and falling stars, Asteria."

Damned fine pull for a character. In reply to the other comments, I think the "falling out" isn't so much that as a simple family matter of "big sister has work to do, peace out." Hurt feelings, yes, but not any real wrongdoing.
There is nothing to forgive, I sign instead. There never was. I found my stars. You found your world. We are happy now.

Seems like clue enough that this might be the case.

Also, author, your second line makes it clear that some stars do literally fall, while some need to be relit, and that small morsel is indeed a juicy one for me. I'm reminded of another story in which Luna begins to hear the wishes made on falling stars, and I now wonder if there isn't room for thematic connection between the two.
#11 · 1
· · >>horizon
Gorgeously written with some moving, heartstring-tugging dialogue between Celestia and Big-Sister-Lestia. I don't know what the precise cosmology at work here is, and I don't really need to know what it is. All that's apparent is that the narrator is in a position over Celestia that's analogous to Celestia's over Luna.

And it works. Boy howdy, does it work.
#12 · 2
· · >>horizon
This is quite good. Nice prose, though very confusing lead-in, as I suspected this was Twilight having left Equestria. I do agree that this sort of information could be delivered earlier, and probably should be.

Beyond that... while the story is intriguing from Asteria's perspective, I feel it also loses a lot of its impact. For her, there isn't much of an actual conflict. she's self-assured about what she's doing and why she doing it. I don't really get a sense of doubt or even of regret. Basically, the interesting story is Celestia's here, but we see very little of it. We're pretty detached from the emotional conflict because we're in the calm which I think removes some of the story's emotional impact.
#13 · 1
· · >>horizon
Contrary to some other comments, I didn't have any problem understanding this. In fact I thought it was quite clear, I had the concept speculatively in mind almost before Celestia was introduced! Asteria comes through clearly and elegantly. Very nice writing there!

Unfortunately, the conflict with Celestia is not quite as well defined. I kept waiting for some reason, some answer as to why this happened, especially when Celestia mentioned reconciliation. But an explanation never materialized. Asteria is just a robot flying the universe and feeling nothing more than twinges of annoyance. That's a nice foil to Celestia's emotionally driven presentation, but... why?

Partially coloring my judgment here is the fact that Sad Sunbutt is such a common theme in the pony writeoffs. I read the last few before finally jumping in to participate, and it seems like in every one, there's always several stories along the lines of "Celestia is consumed with angst and grief about having lost Luna/Twilight/Future Twilight/various ponies she outlived, and lives on heartbroken and yearning for emotional reconciliation." Many such stories appear and rely on this trope to provide conflict, but few attempt to answer why she is so torn up. I am afraid this entry joins the collective.
#14 ·
·
Man, I totally did not see this as yours, Horizon. FYI, this was my third-place vote, and I'm not sure how/if my story deserved to top this.
#15 · 3
·
The Outer Limits — Retrospective

Dang it, I knew that scoring gold instead of bronze last time was going to screw up my medal streak. Instead of two 3rd places I picked up a 1st and a 5th … ;-p

In all seriousness, though: I'm grateful that this scored fifth place regardless, especially against such strong competition! While I wrote Dance Dance Revolution first and briefly considered having that be my only entry for the round, I felt like I owed it to myself to submit something besides a crackfic. With the brief time I had remaining in the submission period, I did a little prompt brainstorming. The title of this one came first, as word association from the prompt crossed from TV show to TV show, and then that sort of backfilled into the idea of a pony out in the far reaches of space where the rise and fall of the sun didn't change the lighting, and things sort of dropped into place from there. >>Morning Sun name-checks Bad Horse's "The Gathering" — which I didn't consciously think about while writing this, but in hindsight was absolutely a subconscious inspiration and/or source. Looking back, I feel bad that this is toeing the line of stealing that story's ideas and emotional punch, though I think it's still got enough of its own thing going on to be publishable.

Also, as I vaguely noted in >>horizon, it was a little disheartening seeing so many comments which suggested that I'd failed to communicate the point of the ending to readers, so I want to talk about that for a moment. It's an explicit compare and contrast that serves as a statement not just about Celestia, but about Asteria and her emotional arc:

It occurs to me, in hindsight, how much it must have hurt [Celestia] to move Luna's moon. How much heartbreak was sublimated in that punctuality. Refuge in routine.


This is the easy part. The narrator is providing an out-loud judgment of Celestia (not to mention reinforcing something that we already know). She sees Celestia's behavior and, in it, recognizes her pain.

Then I set course for the next flickering star. Soon, it will need to be relit.


This is the implied part, and contrasts with/follows directly from Celestia's "refuge in routine".

Unleash that same logic on the final paragraph.

Asteria's in denial.

I tried to hint at that throughout the story. She deliberately blocks out Celestia (closing her eyes against visual communication) when Celestia might make an emotional appeal. She denies having emotions (which several of you commented on), but Celestia merely saying her name can, "despite everything", cause "a tiny twinge at [her] heart". Celestia has been on her mind a lot lately. She admits to being annoyed. These are not robot things. My intention with the story was to present a narrator who was trying way too hard, and tell her story through the cracks in her facade.

Too subtle for the Writeoffs? Maybe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I can try pushing in a few more hints before dropping this into my shorts collection on FIMFic (publication requires 1000 words and I doubt I can make it work at twice the length). I'll definitely name-check Asteria earlier. I'll think about adding in a little more about Asteria and Luna but I don't want to disrupt the flow.

>>Rao
"The Titan goddess of nocturnal oracles and falling stars, Asteria."


you know what I'm just going to pretend that was intentional

Seriously, I just made up a name that sounded right, the fact I had her working with falling stars was literally coincidence. But now that it's been pointed out, that is awesome as heck.

Thank you all for reading and commenting, and see you next round!

>>Xepher >>SPark >>Not_A_Hat >>FanOfMostEverything >>Misternick >>CoffeeMinion >>Posh >>AndrewRogue >>Ranmilia