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>>GroaningGreyAgony
I am not a good person or a strong one, I might steal this.
Bust of both worlds. Tiny aliens colonize Sunset Shimmer’s bacon bits, start an intermammary war.
I am not a good person or a strong one, I might steal this.
Okay, first thing to do; Thank you all for your comments. It seems that I've done way better than the last writeoff (32/34 hahaha). Like the last time, I'll reply to each one of you so if you're only looking for your reply, search your name below but you might miss something by doing so.
>>Fuzzyfurvert
Thank you. Typos are still a big problem for me. Moreover, I finished and published this story a half-hour before the end of submissions so I didn't really have time to check it properly.
>>SPark
Indeed the mare could be Luna but it could be anypony else ;)
About the fact that it is weak as a stand-alone scene, I was aware of that. It's just that I didn't have much time (nor enough words) to really work on it. The idea wasn't really to be a shipfic; it's more about a game of seduction between two ponies who don't know each other.
>>Orbiting_kettle
Yep, it ends before anything can be really build-up, it's something that I'm actually working on in order to publish it on FimFic.
However, I'm glad that the dialog worked somehow. And I'm happy that the idea appealed to you, I was quite proud when I found it.^^
>>Astrarian
As I've said, I hadn't as much time as I wanted but I thank you for your suggestions. Some have already been applied to the new version that will be posted sooner than later (I hope).
I also must say that, since my first entry had confused everyone, I told myself that I should probably go for a more straightforward approach this time and it worked in a way.
>>Not_A_Hat
That was the other idea I had in mind, trying to say something about anonymity in society. I'll try to make it heavier for the revised version.
>>CoffeeMinion
The fact that Fancy Pants says everything on his mind was indeed the easy way to set the scene. With only two hours, you can't really make miracle :).
And if you still want to know more, be patient, I'm reworking it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I wasn't aware that "way taller" was informal. I still have trouble with language register but thank you for pointing this.
>>Xepher
I'll also echo my previous replies.
Without much time, I had to go directly to the point, to the price of losing subtlety. But your suggestions have been taken into account, thank you.
>>Posh
As I've already told you, you won best comment here, I laugh more than I should to this. And the could be a funny twist to a random version of this. "Ahah, I was Applejack all along!"
>>shinygiratinaz
Even if the same comment can be made for many stories, it stil useful to make it. And indeed I'll continue this, I've been a bit frustrated with the result being so short and not so subtle.
>>Ranmilia
Ellipsis was the lazy way to describe the awkward feelings of Fancy Pants without having to really describe them. I take note of this.
>>AndrewRogue
I hope you didn't zone out because of the way I wrote the story. If yes, I would like to know where it happened.
All in all, I'm happy to see that the story appealed to people both by how it fit into the prompt and by the budding attraction between Fancy Pants andLuna the mare, and I'm also happy to see that I've learned from my last entry (horrible epic fail).
I thank you again for having taken the time to read and comment. You guys are awesome.
And I also thank Rodger Dodger for giving us a place to do these contests.
>>Fuzzyfurvert
couple of typos, but not bad. Cute little scene.
Thank you. Typos are still a big problem for me. Moreover, I finished and published this story a half-hour before the end of submissions so I didn't really have time to check it properly.
>>SPark
I have a funny feeling the pony in question is Princess Luna... But whether she is or not, I quite like this one. It feels like it could be the start of something else. It's a little weak as a stand-alone scene, but it would be a pretty strong intro to say a Fancy/Luna shipping fic or something of that nature.
Indeed the mare could be Luna but it could be anypony else ;)
About the fact that it is weak as a stand-alone scene, I was aware of that. It's just that I didn't have much time (nor enough words) to really work on it. The idea wasn't really to be a shipfic; it's more about a game of seduction between two ponies who don't know each other.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I generally hate saying this, but I think the minific format wasn't the best choice for this story.
What we get is still a beautiful scene with crisp dialogues. The setting is sparsely described, which was less of a problem than I thought it would be as I filled the void automatically.
There isn't much more I can say, sadly. While we get a glimpse at the characters, it's over before we can learn anything substantial. The premise is good, and it has the potential to be a splendid if slightly longer story.
Oh, and Twilight Zone as a situation of uncertainty and alienation in a social setting is an interesting and novel interpretation. Bravo.
Yep, it ends before anything can be really build-up, it's something that I'm actually working on in order to publish it on FimFic.
However, I'm glad that the dialog worked somehow. And I'm happy that the idea appealed to you, I was quite proud when I found it.^^
>>Astrarian
This is nice (I'm a fan of slice of life), but it didn't do much else for me. It's a masquerade ball, yet the story didn't manage to achieve the understated, mysterious air I feel fits the setting. Because Fancy Pants says everything on his mind immediately I never shared his feelings of alienation: in fact he starts talking about feeling lost before anything in behaviour suggests he is. The only mystery is in figuring out who the mare is, but it doesn't actually matter who she is, so it all felt a little flat as it stands right now.
Of course, I appreciate that this is a minific round, but I see you had words left, so I would've liked to have seen a bit more of Fancy before he meets the mare, for instance missing a social cue in a conversation or slinking to the side to avoid talking to people because he doesn't know how to read them. Something that fits with the understated atmosphere, leaves the setting clean, and shows me more of how he's feeling before he confirms it for me.
As I've said, I hadn't as much time as I wanted but I thank you for your suggestions. Some have already been applied to the new version that will be posted sooner than later (I hope).
I also must say that, since my first entry had confused everyone, I told myself that I should probably go for a more straightforward approach this time and it worked in a way.
>>Not_A_Hat
I feel like this falls juuuuust short of being able to Say Something about identity and anonymity, and how society uses them to deal with ideas like responsibility and privacy. That's too bad, but the story is enjoyable as-is. It's just a little... hmm, I dunno, light, maybe? It's probably closest to a character piece, but I don't think it connects me to them as strongly as I'd like. The central conceit is sound, but it's not making enough out of it, in one way or another, to be really exciting.
That was the other idea I had in mind, trying to say something about anonymity in society. I'll try to make it heavier for the revised version.
>>CoffeeMinion
Genre: Abbreviated romance/slice-of-life
Thoughts: I'll echo >>Astrarian in finding it a bit off that Fancy just comes out with everything on his mind. I suspect it was an attempt to help set the scene and ensconce Fancy as our hero who might undergo a journey of self-discovery, but I feel it was a little out-of-tune. I'll also second >>SPark in that this seems like a great intro to a shipfic.
Normally I pick on stories for failing to be "complete," and this seemed to reflect a conscious decision to use its remaining word count to develop the attraction between the characters rather than to deliver closure to the plot arc as a whole. And yet, I feel like the story made the right choice in doing what it did. The attraction ends up being the story's take-away, as well as the culmination of the plot. So it's not so much a romance as it is a tale of budding attraction. I think I'm okay with that, even though I want to know more.
Tier: Almost There.
The fact that Fancy Pants says everything on his mind was indeed the easy way to set the scene. With only two hours, you can't really make miracle :).
And if you still want to know more, be patient, I'm reworking it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
You were going strong until you made Fancy Pants say “way taller” as opposed to something less colloquial. Character voice is key.
Aside from that and a few proofreading flubs, this as generally good. As others have said, you’re on the cusp of something very deep. I eagerly look forward to the expansion, wherein we can see Fancy’s discomfiture rather than just hear about it.
I wasn't aware that "way taller" was informal. I still have trouble with language register but thank you for pointing this.
>>Xepher
Echoing the rest of the comments I'm afraid. Generally good, and it feels like the start of an interesting philosophical discussion, but it just kinda fades out before reaching anything grand (or galloping.) If anonymity means freedom from expectations, then he needs to cut loose and do something a tad wild. If anonymity means lack of responsibility, then he needs to do something rude or uncouth. If anonymity means no fear of social standings, then he should just kiss her!
I'll also echo my previous replies.
Without much time, I had to go directly to the point, to the price of losing subtlety. But your suggestions have been taken into account, thank you.
>>Posh
>>FanOfMostEverything This. Only issue. Seriously.
Everyone guessing that it's Luna is horribly wrong. It's clearly Applejack. The characters are using weird diction that doesn't match their voices because that's part of the masquerade. If she weren't hiding her identity she'd say "WELL SHEWT Y'ALL LETS HAVE US HERE A GOOD OL' HOE-DOWN YEEHAW FANSEEPANTSEE"
and Fancy Pants would say "how crude."
As I've already told you, you won best comment here, I laugh more than I should to this. And the could be a funny twist to a random version of this. "Ahah, I was Applejack all along!"
>>shinygiratinaz
>>Posh
I always knew Applejack was secretly a unicorn. :pinkiegasp:
I'm with most of the other comments here, in that I think this is a great idea that doesn't have enough room to shine. I feel bad saying that since I've said that on a few stories now and it should probably be expected since this is the minific round, but it's true. It feels like the start to a bigger idea instead of a story in itself. That said, I really hope you continue this, because this does feel like a pretty good start.
Even if the same comment can be made for many stories, it stil useful to make it. And indeed I'll continue this, I've been a bit frustrated with the result being so short and not so subtle.
>>Ranmilia
Nthing other comments, good scene, not so great standalone story. Presents a very nice idea, spectacular prompt fit, but doesn't develop it and suddenly ends. I hate dismissing such a nice scene that way, but yeah, format did a number on it, I don't get a satisfying resolution. Too many ellipsis in the early paragraphs, perhaps, watch out for that.
Ellipsis was the lazy way to describe the awkward feelings of Fancy Pants without having to really describe them. I take note of this.
>>AndrewRogue
Needs a cleanup pass. Lot of the phrasing could be better.
Decent scene, but doesn't feel too much like a complete story.
Also I accidentally zoned out at the beginning and thought the main character was Blueblood and the stallion was just a body double, allowing Blueblood to be sure nopony would guess it was him in the mask and that he'd really learn what ponies thought of him.
I hope you didn't zone out because of the way I wrote the story. If yes, I would like to know where it happened.
All in all, I'm happy to see that the story appealed to people both by how it fit into the prompt and by the budding attraction between Fancy Pants and
I thank you again for having taken the time to read and comment. You guys are awesome.
And I also thank Rodger Dodger for giving us a place to do these contests.
Playing the Game
Right, retrospective time.
So this was the second story I wrote in this particular round and I started about three, three and a half hours before the deadline. I do love the mini-fics but there are times when the 24 schedule can really mess you up. In the case of Playing the Game, it grew from a lost scene from my neglected FiM story, Alicornitus which also is exploring the themes of the girls having a great deal more political power than they demonstrate in the show. Unfortunately time ended up being the enemy of this fic and I can to seriously cut the first draft to fit into the format, I think it lost almost a quarter of the length and this drove a lot of the issues people identified.
Funnily enough, most of the issues seemed to be built around the suspension of disbelief around Applejack's farm debts. Given how much time she spends going the extra mile to squeak a few more bits in the show, I'm surprised that this was a major issue, but I guess you can never know someone else's head canon. For the record, mortgaging a farm or part of a farm is a fairly standard way of generating capital for either expansion or dealing with hard times and having a mortgage is pretty common for anyone who owns land.
Anyway, this really comes down to length. Applejack does not get enough room in the story to breathe and so you kind of have to accept everything on faith. The little digression with Twilight being tricked into ruling a province was fun, but it sapped space from the actual story and probably should have been saved for an FiM version. Ah well, I find with the 24 hours runs there's rarely enough time to fix problems like that.
Now for some responses:
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks, Celestia's master plan was definitely my favorite moment to write.
>>Ritsuko
Glad you enjoyed it, a yes taxes are unavoidable even in Equestria. They're that universal.
>>Posh
Yeah, I ran out of words near the end and the whole Twilight thing really needs another 750 to work. Though I will say that Rarity isn't defrauding anyone, its entirely Twilight's prerogative to give out cash. The dissonance between a monarchy and democracy was one of the things I wanted to highlight in this fic.
>>SPark
I always see Applejack as having a very set list of right and wrong ways to earn money. She's ruthless with things on the list but she wouldn't dream of say, just asking for a huge stack of bits from a friend.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Glad you found things funny. Yeah, Twilight really needs to be more proactive, but she's not used to the game yet.
>>Rao
Thanks.
'Cantervale' is actually one of those things I wondered if would give me away, as its something I've used before as a piece of fanon. Logically, there's a couple levels of government between Mayor Mare and Celestia so Cantervale (literally meaning the Canterlot valley) is the province I typically fold Ponyvile into.
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks :)
>>horizon
And thank you very much horizon. I had a lot of fun with this one and hopefully it'll be even better with more room to breathe.
Right, retrospective time.
So this was the second story I wrote in this particular round and I started about three, three and a half hours before the deadline. I do love the mini-fics but there are times when the 24 schedule can really mess you up. In the case of Playing the Game, it grew from a lost scene from my neglected FiM story, Alicornitus which also is exploring the themes of the girls having a great deal more political power than they demonstrate in the show. Unfortunately time ended up being the enemy of this fic and I can to seriously cut the first draft to fit into the format, I think it lost almost a quarter of the length and this drove a lot of the issues people identified.
Funnily enough, most of the issues seemed to be built around the suspension of disbelief around Applejack's farm debts. Given how much time she spends going the extra mile to squeak a few more bits in the show, I'm surprised that this was a major issue, but I guess you can never know someone else's head canon. For the record, mortgaging a farm or part of a farm is a fairly standard way of generating capital for either expansion or dealing with hard times and having a mortgage is pretty common for anyone who owns land.
Anyway, this really comes down to length. Applejack does not get enough room in the story to breathe and so you kind of have to accept everything on faith. The little digression with Twilight being tricked into ruling a province was fun, but it sapped space from the actual story and probably should have been saved for an FiM version. Ah well, I find with the 24 hours runs there's rarely enough time to fix problems like that.
Now for some responses:
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks, Celestia's master plan was definitely my favorite moment to write.
>>Ritsuko
Glad you enjoyed it, a yes taxes are unavoidable even in Equestria. They're that universal.
>>Posh
Yeah, I ran out of words near the end and the whole Twilight thing really needs another 750 to work. Though I will say that Rarity isn't defrauding anyone, its entirely Twilight's prerogative to give out cash. The dissonance between a monarchy and democracy was one of the things I wanted to highlight in this fic.
>>SPark
I always see Applejack as having a very set list of right and wrong ways to earn money. She's ruthless with things on the list but she wouldn't dream of say, just asking for a huge stack of bits from a friend.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Glad you found things funny. Yeah, Twilight really needs to be more proactive, but she's not used to the game yet.
>>Rao
Thanks.
'Cantervale' is actually one of those things I wondered if would give me away, as its something I've used before as a piece of fanon. Logically, there's a couple levels of government between Mayor Mare and Celestia so Cantervale (literally meaning the Canterlot valley) is the province I typically fold Ponyvile into.
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks :)
>>horizon
And thank you very much horizon. I had a lot of fun with this one and hopefully it'll be even better with more room to breathe.
The Meaning of Being JudgeDeadd
My original idea was to take the prompt literally. As in, "Twilight becomes a zone". Something happened in the past (never mind what, but it no doubt involved spectacular loss of life and property) and Twilight became an incorporeal, unphysical genius loci. It's been so many years that nobody remembers her name, but pilgrimages are still being made to drop off books inside The Meadow That Reads.
The idea then got simplified a bit. Now it was one of Twilight's friends who dutifully comes by every month or so to drop off books, and maybe to talk a bit. Twilight herself would "occupy" a gargantuan, splendidly decorated plaza the size of Ponyville (indeed, built on the ruins of Ponyville), with a tall tower in the middle filled with books. That's where I also introduced the idea of Twilight manifesting a ghostly avatar; this way she could make gestures, give meaningful looks, etc.
Then I pared it down even further. Now Twilight was just your regular ol' ghost, and instead of being tethered to some out-of-the-way spot far from civilization, she was occupying the Canterlot library. Several things which seem redundant or unnecessary for the story -- such as her "being able to read the books wherever they are", or a specific description of the bookshelves -- are basically leftovers from earlier concepts. Same goes for what >>AndrewRogue noticed, that Dash seems confused about where to put the books. Again, in the previous concept the idea was that the "library" (then, a tower) was built recently, and Dash wasn't yet entirely sure about where to put stuff.
I had the basic premise down, but I didn't really have any idea where I wanted to go with the story, so I drew on various scattershot concepts until--by coincidence--I found two that synergized quite well: Dash being old and no longer fit for stunt flying, and Twilight being basically a cripple in her current state.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be revisiting this story. In the end, the conversation between the characters feels pretty damn sappy; I think there's something off about the dialogue. Granted, it might also be how unnaturally fast the characters begin to discuss the value of life and death. (Oh 750 word limit, is there anything you can't do? You can force even loquacious sages to use contractions and call people by one-word nicknames; you can resolve any crisis or conflict in a single hastily written paragraph; and whenever necessary, you can take a conversation from a friendly hello to profound philosophizing at a breakneck pace...)
My original idea was to take the prompt literally. As in, "Twilight becomes a zone". Something happened in the past (never mind what, but it no doubt involved spectacular loss of life and property) and Twilight became an incorporeal, unphysical genius loci. It's been so many years that nobody remembers her name, but pilgrimages are still being made to drop off books inside The Meadow That Reads.
The idea then got simplified a bit. Now it was one of Twilight's friends who dutifully comes by every month or so to drop off books, and maybe to talk a bit. Twilight herself would "occupy" a gargantuan, splendidly decorated plaza the size of Ponyville (indeed, built on the ruins of Ponyville), with a tall tower in the middle filled with books. That's where I also introduced the idea of Twilight manifesting a ghostly avatar; this way she could make gestures, give meaningful looks, etc.
Then I pared it down even further. Now Twilight was just your regular ol' ghost, and instead of being tethered to some out-of-the-way spot far from civilization, she was occupying the Canterlot library. Several things which seem redundant or unnecessary for the story -- such as her "being able to read the books wherever they are", or a specific description of the bookshelves -- are basically leftovers from earlier concepts. Same goes for what >>AndrewRogue noticed, that Dash seems confused about where to put the books. Again, in the previous concept the idea was that the "library" (then, a tower) was built recently, and Dash wasn't yet entirely sure about where to put stuff.
I had the basic premise down, but I didn't really have any idea where I wanted to go with the story, so I drew on various scattershot concepts until--by coincidence--I found two that synergized quite well: Dash being old and no longer fit for stunt flying, and Twilight being basically a cripple in her current state.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be revisiting this story. In the end, the conversation between the characters feels pretty damn sappy; I think there's something off about the dialogue. Granted, it might also be how unnaturally fast the characters begin to discuss the value of life and death. (Oh 750 word limit, is there anything you can't do? You can force even loquacious sages to use contractions and call people by one-word nicknames; you can resolve any crisis or conflict in a single hastily written paragraph; and whenever necessary, you can take a conversation from a friendly hello to profound philosophizing at a breakneck pace...)
>>JudgeDeadd
Your original idea sounds pretty fantastic, if for no other reason than I love the term genius loci. I'd love to read something in that vein.
Your original idea sounds pretty fantastic, if for no other reason than I love the term genius loci. I'd love to read something in that vein.
>>AndrewRogue
When I honestly can hear the characters' voices in my head as I read it means you've done a great job.
oh no story is ruined forever ;/
No but seriously, this is kinda surprising--I can assure you that there isn't even the slightest hint of anything unwholesome going on between Rarity and AJ. Even when I re-reread the story purposefully looking for it.
Also glad to see that it does seeeeem to work at that level? Thank you for the kind words.
When I honestly can hear the characters' voices in my head as I read it means you've done a great job.
I'd sort of intended (because I'm a dirty rotten shipper) to imply Rarity/AJ as a couple of sorts (admittedly did not succeed so much)
oh no story is ruined forever ;/
No but seriously, this is kinda surprising--I can assure you that there isn't even the slightest hint of anything unwholesome going on between Rarity and AJ. Even when I re-reread the story purposefully looking for it.
>>billymorph
Guess Property Taxes could be expected, just that it depends on a few details if these would actually apply to the Apples in the specific case.
Gotta enjoy a story well played. Interesting interpretation of the included characters here.
Guess Property Taxes could be expected, just that it depends on a few details if these would actually apply to the Apples in the specific case.
Gotta enjoy a story well played. Interesting interpretation of the included characters here.
>>Xepher
Sorry about being really late for the party. (I'll try to be batter about this in the future.)
Congrats for the silver! This story definitely deserves it, as it was one of my favorites out of the selection. Overall, I thought it was a solidly built piece with a good payoff. And I pretty much agree with the idea of putting more Twilights into the story; that seemed to be one of the major shortcomings of the story, though I know the blame can mostly be laid at the feet of the word limit.
One other thing I'd like to add is how very...Twilight this story sounds to me. I can easily see Twilight (or at least her old self) and her counterparts doing something like this over such a mundane thing, and points out some of the wild possibilities for a god-like being with her 'eccentricities'.
Again, great job and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.
Sorry about being really late for the party. (I'll try to be batter about this in the future.)
Congrats for the silver! This story definitely deserves it, as it was one of my favorites out of the selection. Overall, I thought it was a solidly built piece with a good payoff. And I pretty much agree with the idea of putting more Twilights into the story; that seemed to be one of the major shortcomings of the story, though I know the blame can mostly be laid at the feet of the word limit.
One other thing I'd like to add is how very...Twilight this story sounds to me. I can easily see Twilight (or at least her old self) and her counterparts doing something like this over such a mundane thing, and points out some of the wild possibilities for a god-like being with her 'eccentricities'.
Again, great job and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.
>>CoffeeMinion
This comment is really late, and I apologize for that; I'll try to be better about it in the future.
I've been a fan of anime for a number of years, so the concept for this story caught my interest. I thought it was an enjoyable little piece, though I agree with a number of the comments: the first paragraph was too long and clunky, there wasn't enough interaction between different Twilights in the middle, and the resolution of the main problem seemed kind of flat.
I think the main reason for that last is that you introduced an action style character (and a cat-girl on top of that) in the beginning; when she runs into the main problem, she should pull out her laser sword and invoke Leeroy Jenkins, damn the consequences. If she does actually try to talk down the villain, it should only be because something about the situation reminds her of something deeply personal (maybe Twilight-chan faced a similar situation involving a close friend, and she wants to see if she can make things come to a more satisfying conclusion this time). Either one would better fit the character and the anime genre in general, and I think it would glue the different parts of the story together a little better.
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to Towairaito-chan's further adventures!
This comment is really late, and I apologize for that; I'll try to be better about it in the future.
I've been a fan of anime for a number of years, so the concept for this story caught my interest. I thought it was an enjoyable little piece, though I agree with a number of the comments: the first paragraph was too long and clunky, there wasn't enough interaction between different Twilights in the middle, and the resolution of the main problem seemed kind of flat.
I think the main reason for that last is that you introduced an action style character (and a cat-girl on top of that) in the beginning; when she runs into the main problem, she should pull out her laser sword and invoke Leeroy Jenkins, damn the consequences. If she does actually try to talk down the villain, it should only be because something about the situation reminds her of something deeply personal (maybe Twilight-chan faced a similar situation involving a close friend, and she wants to see if she can make things come to a more satisfying conclusion this time). Either one would better fit the character and the anime genre in general, and I think it would glue the different parts of the story together a little better.
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to Towairaito-chan's further adventures!
>>Firelight Flicker
Getting proofreaders isn't complicated in principle. Basically you just ask someone who you think might be willing and who seems like they could offer good feedback. I find that direct PMs through FimFiction have the highest success rate, though I've occasionally found assistance through posting a request in a group related to whatever I'm writing about.
Granted, it can feel nerve-wracking to ask someone to look at your stuff, especially if you're new to seeking feedback that way, or if it's someone you really respect as a writer (the senpai noticed me! effect). Also, people might turn you down if they're busy, not interested, etc. But it's a great way to get additional perspectives, and if you're already comfortable putting stuff out there in the Writeoff anyway, it's not too much harder than that.
Getting proofreaders isn't complicated in principle. Basically you just ask someone who you think might be willing and who seems like they could offer good feedback. I find that direct PMs through FimFiction have the highest success rate, though I've occasionally found assistance through posting a request in a group related to whatever I'm writing about.
Granted, it can feel nerve-wracking to ask someone to look at your stuff, especially if you're new to seeking feedback that way, or if it's someone you really respect as a writer (the senpai noticed me! effect). Also, people might turn you down if they're busy, not interested, etc. But it's a great way to get additional perspectives, and if you're already comfortable putting stuff out there in the Writeoff anyway, it's not too much harder than that.
>>JudgeDeadd
I'd actually love to read an extended version of your original idea. I have a soft spot for fics set in an alternate future, and the idea of Twilight's spirit being bound to a giant library-esque zone (very clever prompt relevance by the way haha) is one that you could take a lot of interesting angles on.
I'd actually love to read an extended version of your original idea. I have a soft spot for fics set in an alternate future, and the idea of Twilight's spirit being bound to a giant library-esque zone (very clever prompt relevance by the way haha) is one that you could take a lot of interesting angles on.
>>Xepher
Probably about as hard as it was for me when Posh started doing the same! :-p
(Pan Pan Pantsu >>Posh-chan, this is clearly all your fault, desu.)
Well, under the circumstances, I can't really argue with the recommendation to have her meow.
(Edit: I think any/all suggestions about what she should do are awesome. My dark secret is that I know practically nothing about anime and/or Japanese culture and I'm faking everything)
Probably about as hard as it was for me when Posh started doing the same! :-p
(Pan Pan Pantsu >>Posh-chan, this is clearly all your fault, desu.)
Well, under the circumstances, I can't really argue with the recommendation to have her meow.
(Edit: I think any/all suggestions about what she should do are awesome. My dark secret is that I know practically nothing about anime and/or Japanese culture and I'm faking everything)
>>horizon
It's funny, I took your comment about a misunderstood ending as reinforcement of my guess that you'd written this one.
I could swear I once saw a show or a movie or something with actual dance Nazis in it, but for the life of me I can't bring it to mind. My brain keeps trying to say it was Seinfeld but that seems off.
Anyway, I'd forgotten all about that song (and old DDR tracks in general) so thank you for a major blast of nostalgia! <3
It's funny, I took your comment about a misunderstood ending as reinforcement of my guess that you'd written this one.
I could swear I once saw a show or a movie or something with actual dance Nazis in it, but for the life of me I can't bring it to mind. My brain keeps trying to say it was Seinfeld but that seems off.
Anyway, I'd forgotten all about that song (and old DDR tracks in general) so thank you for a major blast of nostalgia! <3
With only a few hours left until the next Writeoff, this retrospective is much later than I would've liked it to be.
Before everything else, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their opinion on this story. Your insights were invaluable! I hope to be able to put what I learned here to good use in future works.
Thank you again :)
So, few words about this story. It was indeed inspired by a Daft Punk song, as Ranmilia pointed out. On the day of the Writeoff, I was working. I ended up driving through almost the entirety of my little country that night. I had read the prompt, and was trying to come up with a story idea on the way. It was Daft Punk's Touch that gave me the idea.
Alas, I could not stop to write on the road. By the time I got home, I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open.
So I went to sleep.
On the next day, I awoke with less than 2 hours left before the Writeoff's deadline. At that point I was convinced that I won't be able to finish a story in time, but still, I sat down to give it a shot. And, with only 3 minutes to spare before the deadline, this is what I managed to write. For what it's worth, I was happy with the result. Making finals was also a great honor.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't think I will end up expanding the story. While it can definitely use more breathing room, I doubt my ability to get it to 1000 words without it overstaying its welcome. And yes, the backronym was very tortured :)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>SPark
Thank you!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
You bring a very good point about the dissonance of the probe's thoughts. While it was intended, maybe it was not handled in the best possible way. My aim was to portray a mind that is emotional, but that funnels those emotions through an "artificial" worldview. The idea was, what if a mind that is extremely analytical by nature was also emotional by circumstance. Still, as you say, could've been handled better.
>>Kami
Your well thought out and reasoned negative critique wa just a joy to read. Very good points. You're right in saying that it could have been anyone's personality. My focus was not exactly on who the probe was. Instead it was about what existence is like for an emotional, intelligent being, locked in a prison of time. It is indeed a feels grab. My sole motivation in writing it was to explore a feeling of loss, loneliness and despair.
I can't comment on prompt appropriateness. I thought the sci-fi element was close enough in spirit, but that's about that.
Thank you for your thoughts.
>>Exuno
"It mostly just makes me go :("
Mission accomplished!
>>Ritsuko
Indeed, there was a missing comma in this that bugged me to no end. My own fault for not budgeting writing time appropriately.
>>CoffeeMinion
I actually have some ideas about how the particular situation came to be, but it was never the focus of the story. Ultimately, it really is just a slice of sadness. Thanks for the thoughts!
>>Xepher
Great points!
I was wondering about how this situation can come into place. For the most part, my thoughts are that the probe had to be rushed to launch. This left many necessary avenues unexplored. There were some implications to the design that had not been understood at the time. I also speculated that the probe self-improved over time, which resulted in constantly raising processing power. So, she self improved, but that lead to her perceiving time slower and slower, because her thoughts were getting faster and faster. The prison of her mind ended up only shrinking. And, in the vast voids of time between anything happening, all she had to hold on to were Twilight's memories. She relives them, and in reality they /are/ the only thing keeping her sane. But the cost is unimaginable loneliness.
There are obvious solutions to the probe's anguish. For example, it could build its own virtual reality, and relive the memories there, "experiencing" touch. For the purposes of this story though, I went with no such solution.
>>Morning Sun
I had initially considered if it should be Twilight herself, or an AGI with her memories. Ultimately, I went with the AGI. I thought that putting Twilight in that torture box was too much, even for me.
Then again, if an artificial consciousness feels pain, is it any less deserving of sympathy?
>>Ranmilia
Tough beats indeed!
The song was very much what inspired the story. The italics were meant to represent the duality of the intelligence on board of the probe. They are the unbidden thoughts, the deep longings, stuff that is beyond its control. I do think that using those next to more reasoned (even at times machine-like) thoughts makes for a nice contrast, and it was one of my goals. Though it did not work perfectly, I want to stand by it.
Thanks!
>>Not_A_Hat >>QuillScratch
And last but by no means least, the podcast folk! Thank you both for talking about my story!
Ah, that second to last line. I thought it would be readable, but turns out not. That's an ISO8601 date code, for the year 3271. It was only meant to indicate a far future point, and to be the reason why the probe basically knows how much time has passed. It's basically a computer's version of something like "I looked back at the clock. Only thirty seconds had passed."
Making the assumption that people would read it that way was entirely wrong, though.
"At that point in the structure there should be something revealed, and a backronym is not gonna cut it." - 100% right. I messed up on that.
The 300ms time passage was indeed just a zinger (I was actually gonna try and calculate the time it would take to cross through a solar flare at relativistic speeds and put that there, but ended up just putting in something that sounded about reasonable, without much thought). It's unfortunate that it ended up attracting attention, but I should be more mindful that people are going to pay close attention when there are this few words on the page.
I had not read Hammerfall, btw. Indeed some very similar ideas going on, as far as time perception, but that one is even faster.
And indeed, Exuno was right that the point was that these thoughts go through her head over and over and over again. The story is very much a "meditation on loneliness," as Xepher put it :)
Till next time, folks!
Before everything else, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their opinion on this story. Your insights were invaluable! I hope to be able to put what I learned here to good use in future works.
Thank you again :)
So, few words about this story. It was indeed inspired by a Daft Punk song, as Ranmilia pointed out. On the day of the Writeoff, I was working. I ended up driving through almost the entirety of my little country that night. I had read the prompt, and was trying to come up with a story idea on the way. It was Daft Punk's Touch that gave me the idea.
Alas, I could not stop to write on the road. By the time I got home, I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open.
So I went to sleep.
On the next day, I awoke with less than 2 hours left before the Writeoff's deadline. At that point I was convinced that I won't be able to finish a story in time, but still, I sat down to give it a shot. And, with only 3 minutes to spare before the deadline, this is what I managed to write. For what it's worth, I was happy with the result. Making finals was also a great honor.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't think I will end up expanding the story. While it can definitely use more breathing room, I doubt my ability to get it to 1000 words without it overstaying its welcome. And yes, the backronym was very tortured :)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>SPark
Thank you!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
You bring a very good point about the dissonance of the probe's thoughts. While it was intended, maybe it was not handled in the best possible way. My aim was to portray a mind that is emotional, but that funnels those emotions through an "artificial" worldview. The idea was, what if a mind that is extremely analytical by nature was also emotional by circumstance. Still, as you say, could've been handled better.
>>Kami
Your well thought out and reasoned negative critique wa just a joy to read. Very good points. You're right in saying that it could have been anyone's personality. My focus was not exactly on who the probe was. Instead it was about what existence is like for an emotional, intelligent being, locked in a prison of time. It is indeed a feels grab. My sole motivation in writing it was to explore a feeling of loss, loneliness and despair.
I can't comment on prompt appropriateness. I thought the sci-fi element was close enough in spirit, but that's about that.
Thank you for your thoughts.
>>Exuno
"It mostly just makes me go :("
Mission accomplished!
>>Ritsuko
Indeed, there was a missing comma in this that bugged me to no end. My own fault for not budgeting writing time appropriately.
>>CoffeeMinion
I actually have some ideas about how the particular situation came to be, but it was never the focus of the story. Ultimately, it really is just a slice of sadness. Thanks for the thoughts!
>>Xepher
Great points!
I was wondering about how this situation can come into place. For the most part, my thoughts are that the probe had to be rushed to launch. This left many necessary avenues unexplored. There were some implications to the design that had not been understood at the time. I also speculated that the probe self-improved over time, which resulted in constantly raising processing power. So, she self improved, but that lead to her perceiving time slower and slower, because her thoughts were getting faster and faster. The prison of her mind ended up only shrinking. And, in the vast voids of time between anything happening, all she had to hold on to were Twilight's memories. She relives them, and in reality they /are/ the only thing keeping her sane. But the cost is unimaginable loneliness.
There are obvious solutions to the probe's anguish. For example, it could build its own virtual reality, and relive the memories there, "experiencing" touch. For the purposes of this story though, I went with no such solution.
>>Morning Sun
I had initially considered if it should be Twilight herself, or an AGI with her memories. Ultimately, I went with the AGI. I thought that putting Twilight in that torture box was too much, even for me.
Then again, if an artificial consciousness feels pain, is it any less deserving of sympathy?
>>Ranmilia
Tough beats indeed!
The song was very much what inspired the story. The italics were meant to represent the duality of the intelligence on board of the probe. They are the unbidden thoughts, the deep longings, stuff that is beyond its control. I do think that using those next to more reasoned (even at times machine-like) thoughts makes for a nice contrast, and it was one of my goals. Though it did not work perfectly, I want to stand by it.
Thanks!
>>Not_A_Hat >>QuillScratch
And last but by no means least, the podcast folk! Thank you both for talking about my story!
Ah, that second to last line. I thought it would be readable, but turns out not. That's an ISO8601 date code, for the year 3271. It was only meant to indicate a far future point, and to be the reason why the probe basically knows how much time has passed. It's basically a computer's version of something like "I looked back at the clock. Only thirty seconds had passed."
Making the assumption that people would read it that way was entirely wrong, though.
"At that point in the structure there should be something revealed, and a backronym is not gonna cut it." - 100% right. I messed up on that.
The 300ms time passage was indeed just a zinger (I was actually gonna try and calculate the time it would take to cross through a solar flare at relativistic speeds and put that there, but ended up just putting in something that sounded about reasonable, without much thought). It's unfortunate that it ended up attracting attention, but I should be more mindful that people are going to pay close attention when there are this few words on the page.
I had not read Hammerfall, btw. Indeed some very similar ideas going on, as far as time perception, but that one is even faster.
And indeed, Exuno was right that the point was that these thoughts go through her head over and over and over again. The story is very much a "meditation on loneliness," as Xepher put it :)
Till next time, folks!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>SPark
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Exuno
>>Jordanis
>>Morning Sun
>>Haze
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Ritsuko
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Cassius
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
Very belated thanks to everyone who participated in this round, and congratulations to the winners! This was my first attempt at entering one of these here writeoff things, and I learned quite a bit and had some fun. I'd wanted to look at all the other pieces, too, but 60 entries, wow. I wound up vastly underestimating the time it all would take - even this brief recap has been put off so long that I am shamed.
The entry itself was under some time pressure as well, as scheduling concerns had me wind up with only about 4 hours to work on it. So I sold out and went the wholesale gimmick route, opening eight tabs worth of research and relying heavily on the novelty of the concept and the hope that someone would pick up on it and explain it in the comments. (Had they not, I wouldn't have done so myself, that'd be even worse form, but fortunately Jordanis got it.) Overall quality - ehn. Placed about right, I think. Maybe a little higher than it deserves, even.
Tying myself to the exclusive use of the transcripts for dialogue hurt way more than it helped, overall. It was fun to work with the lines and mold them into different meanings, but probably not worth the confusion to the reader in trying to follow it, and definitely not worth the amount of word count I had to spend shaping the beginning and end. Vastly underestimated that and wound up leaving myself too little room to actually write in the middle. If I had to redo this it'd certainly be better to keep the scene on just the two astronauts in the module and write original dialogue.
As to the use of Luna/Nightmare Moon... well, I'm not sure I agree with the idea that it could've been just anything out there. One of the core pillars of Lovecraftian eldritch horror, to me, is the idea that nobody escapes unscathed. Encounters with cosmic horrors almost invariably end with the protagonists dead, worse than dead, insane, or at least heavily scarred. So here, the entity from beyond space and time turning out to be a cartoon pony who isn't really all that vast or malevolent is key to having it all turn out okay! ... But that's probably going way too deep for a mini, especially one that's already straining the readers in multiple ways. The driving sentiment behind those criticisms seems more one of "There isn't enough Luna in the story," to which I can only completely agree!
(The limbs bit, incidentally, was a humorously intended poke at the complicated nature of alicorn designs: four legs, two wings, a tail, a horned head, and a prominent mane.)
Anyway, I'm glad some people enjoyed this little exercise. Thank you all again, and onward to the future we go!
>>SPark
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Exuno
>>Jordanis
>>Morning Sun
>>Haze
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Ritsuko
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Cassius
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
Very belated thanks to everyone who participated in this round, and congratulations to the winners! This was my first attempt at entering one of these here writeoff things, and I learned quite a bit and had some fun. I'd wanted to look at all the other pieces, too, but 60 entries, wow. I wound up vastly underestimating the time it all would take - even this brief recap has been put off so long that I am shamed.
The entry itself was under some time pressure as well, as scheduling concerns had me wind up with only about 4 hours to work on it. So I sold out and went the wholesale gimmick route, opening eight tabs worth of research and relying heavily on the novelty of the concept and the hope that someone would pick up on it and explain it in the comments. (Had they not, I wouldn't have done so myself, that'd be even worse form, but fortunately Jordanis got it.) Overall quality - ehn. Placed about right, I think. Maybe a little higher than it deserves, even.
Tying myself to the exclusive use of the transcripts for dialogue hurt way more than it helped, overall. It was fun to work with the lines and mold them into different meanings, but probably not worth the confusion to the reader in trying to follow it, and definitely not worth the amount of word count I had to spend shaping the beginning and end. Vastly underestimated that and wound up leaving myself too little room to actually write in the middle. If I had to redo this it'd certainly be better to keep the scene on just the two astronauts in the module and write original dialogue.
As to the use of Luna/Nightmare Moon... well, I'm not sure I agree with the idea that it could've been just anything out there. One of the core pillars of Lovecraftian eldritch horror, to me, is the idea that nobody escapes unscathed. Encounters with cosmic horrors almost invariably end with the protagonists dead, worse than dead, insane, or at least heavily scarred. So here, the entity from beyond space and time turning out to be a cartoon pony who isn't really all that vast or malevolent is key to having it all turn out okay! ... But that's probably going way too deep for a mini, especially one that's already straining the readers in multiple ways. The driving sentiment behind those criticisms seems more one of "There isn't enough Luna in the story," to which I can only completely agree!
(The limbs bit, incidentally, was a humorously intended poke at the complicated nature of alicorn designs: four legs, two wings, a tail, a horned head, and a prominent mane.)
Anyway, I'm glad some people enjoyed this little exercise. Thank you all again, and onward to the future we go!
I've published a 20% longer version on FimFiction, taking into account a lot of good criticism from you folks. Really, almost every comment was useful. I'm a novelist, so something this short is especially challenging. As a Clarion alumnist, I also appreciate good critiques that actually point things out that are useful to the author, not just important to the person giving the critique. So... Thank you everypony!
>>Fenton
>>SPark
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Astrarian
>>Xepher
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
>>HorseVoice
>>Rao
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Fenton
>>SPark
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Astrarian
>>Xepher
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
>>HorseVoice
>>Rao
>>JudgeDeadd
>>georg Does writeoff.me send people notifications when someone replies to a comment they made 2 years ago?
I read all the way thru and was not bored once. That's a rare accomplishment for a children's story. I read quite a few children's picture books in the course of trying to write one myself, and the vast majority of them are depressingly dull, even with brightly colored pictures, and I think would have been dull to me as a 4-year old. There are quite a few clever lines and callbacks in this short story.
I read all the way thru and was not bored once. That's a rare accomplishment for a children's story. I read quite a few children's picture books in the course of trying to write one myself, and the vast majority of them are depressingly dull, even with brightly colored pictures, and I think would have been dull to me as a 4-year old. There are quite a few clever lines and callbacks in this short story.