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The Twilight Zone · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
The Deep
Touch. It was touch I missed most.

I extended my senses outwards, surveying my location. Little had changed since my last scan 147.31ms ago. All systems were nominal and trajectory was still on point for the RH-3168 system, moving at 13% light speed.

I noted a slight ebb in the solar particle collisions and traced their origin to a class G2 star 233.7 light years away. It seemed that I was passing through the wake of a fairly large solar flare. Humming a little tune, I queried the information on the star in question. LH-1377. It's spectral profile was surprisingly similar to Celestia's sun, with a rich yellow light.

Touch. I remember touch.

I cranked my external sensors to max and tried to catch the impact of each individual particle colliding with my hull.

Warmth. Tucked under Celestia's wing, it felt as if I was cocooned in the lazy light of a late summer's sun.

I spent a few cycles calculating the exact position of each detectable particle within 1 light-second range and tried to calculate an optimal course through the flare. Unfortunately, at my current speed, I would be long past it before the engines have even started.

A kiss goodbye. Not for the one left behind, but for the ones to come.

I felt a deep sinking sensation as the last of the particles made their impact, and I left the path of the flare. I thought that, were it not for my emotion inhibitors, I might have cried and screamed. As it were, all I felt was sadness that was well within mission parameters. I guess I had Twilight Prime to thank for that.

The promise of tomorrow.

I queried my mission directive to center myself.

"Search for our new home."

Sometimes I wondered why Twilight Prime had decided to preserve her memories when she created the spell matrix for the exploration probes. We shared the memories of her life her friends, her desires and her fears. We were her, but we were not. Was she hoping that they would offer a consolation in space? That they would save us from the giant solitude? If so, she was a damned damned fool.

Touch. I remember touch.

I queried my internal flight information matrix.

"3271-02-12T10:56:35.415+00:00 aboard the Twilight-314713 Space Planetary Astrometry Research Key Long Exploration vehicle."

315.44ms had passed since the last scan. I extended my senses outwards.
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#1 · 4
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Crafty
Oh. Oh my. This is potent stuff. A bit curtailed by the word limit, especially since you went for the absolute minimum, but what is there really sells the tragedy. It would be nice to know why Twilight S.P.A.R.K.L.E. is looking for a new home—and while we’re on the subject, the backronym’s a bit forced—but this is still very nice. Definitely something that should be expanded after the contest ends.
#2 · 4
· · >>Crafty
OK, what's with this round and stories that make me feel things?

This was wonderful SF, and the writing sold me the emotional struggle here.

I also think the length was almost perfect. I really don't need to know the exact reason for the probe to be out there to feel for it.
#3 · 1
· · >>Crafty
Wow. This is fantastic. A very compelling little bit of science fiction.
#4 · 2
· · >>Ritsuko >>CoffeeMinion >>Crafty
I agree with Orbiting Kettle. A specific motive for the probe mission isn't necessary to enjoy what it's doing. We have a just enough details that hint towards a possible explanation, but it's ultimately left up to the readers to make up their minds. With that as a starting point, this story accomplishes what it set out to do, a snippet of the life—as it were—of a space probe.

My only point of contention, and take this entirely as a matter of personal preference, is the nature of the inner monologue of the Twilight probe.. It's a bit too... uneven for my taste. On one hand we have traces of that cold, pragmatic monotone befitting an AI, but they're interspersed within a more reflective monologue that I presume is a result of the imprint of the original Twilight's memories. My dissatisfaction stems from that dissonance. One one hand the probe sometimes behaves like the interface of an operating system, but then goes back to a ponderous reflexion of the state of its life, and I don't feel as though those two aspects were as well balanced as they could have been.

If there was a reason for that dissonance. As in, maybe a defect of the probe is causing Twilight's memories to decay and blend with the AI, then I didn't find anything that would suggest that.

Now, I'm not saying you should expand this and turn it into a deep commentary about the nature of existence, or whatever (unless you want to) but I do feel going over this a few times would help iron out those kinks and make this piece shine much more brightly.


>>FanOfMostEverything
and while we’re on the subject, the backronym’s a bit forced
I thought that was the rule for acronyms in general fiction.
#5 · 2
· · >>Ritsuko >>Crafty
Having read through this, I have to disagree with a lot of the comments here. This story really feels copy and paste to me. The fact that the probe is based on Twilight's personality is purely coincidental to the story as a whole. There's nothing offered as to why it would need to specifically be Twilight's personality the probe's AI is modeled after and the parts where it's not musing on its existence and purpose are just technobabble. In fact, you could easily change the personality basis for Celestia or Sunset Shimmer and it'd have zero impact on the plot of this story.

There's literally one line here that tries to have the audience build a connection to the probe by feeling sorry for it and that line is it just telling us that it has Twilight's memories, hopes, and fears. That's not really me feeling bad for the probe though, that's more me imagining Twilight in isolation than relating to what this particular space probe is going through. Honestly, the story comes off as a feels grab and I think it feel flat for me for that reason.

I can't really see the connection to the prompt here, either. The Twilight Zone show has some science fiction elements, but it lacks the tone for that. If we're going for the more colloquial definition of where something ends and another begins, but we're really stretching for that one.

While an interesting idea in theory, the whole implanting memories and personality into an AI and learning how it would cope with that, I can't say this does a good job at conveying its premise in its short word count. I guess just some food for thought, ask why Twilight is the basis for this AI, and what that is uniquely offering to this story.
#6 · 2
· · >>Crafty
I liked this. As noted, it's kind of shallow – there's an emotional hook that's strong, but it doesn't break any new ground or present a meaningful conclusion based on its idea. It mostly just makes me go :(

But it nailed the tone of getting me to go :( and I appreciate that. The pacing and contrast of the emotional bits and the dry science worked very well.
#7 ·
· · >>Crafty
My first issue is the Punctuation missing on a few points where I feel it should have been.
>>Kami
Agreed, we don't really Twilight in the probe.
Depenbding on the idea of Twilight Zone referred to, but there is nothing to support it having anything to do with our Twilight Sparkle other than her name mentioned.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
For a mini fic, you can enjoy the story, but the reasons why should still be important if you can squeeze it into the word count.
#8 · 1
· · >>Crafty
Genre: FEELS

Thoughts: What an emotional kicker. Of course it'd be nice to get more background information on the reason for having the probe out there, and its presence inspires curiosity about its mission, but this is a perfectly functional slice of sadness all on its own.

I feel like it could be stronger, but I'm struggling to nail down specifics. Maybe I'll just point at >>Zaid Val'Roa and call it good.

Tier: Strong
#9 ·
· · >>Crafty
I'm really left with just one big question. Why doesn't it feel touch? Maybe I've read too many scifi stories along this theme, or thought about it too much for my own, but... By the point where you can upload minds (via magic or technology) into new forms, surely you're aware there will be psychological implications? I mean, even NASA does tons of research on psychology of long term space habitation, and that's when "long term" is just a Mars mission.

So, that said, my first impression going into this story is "How did Twlight become so cold-hearted and/or stupid?" I'm afraid that then colored the rest of my reading.

Overall, I want more from this. I think it's not badly written, but as Kami points out, it's really just a meditation on loneliness. It has very little (if anything) to do with Twilight, or for that matter, MLP. Search/replace Twilight with any given human name (and fix that horrible backronym) and it's the same story.
#10 · 2
· · >>Crafty
This felt more impactful when I thought it actually was Twilight who had somehow fused herself with a ship in some way - like there was a bioorganic-mechanical fusion at play, which added layers of tragic intentional self-sacrifice.

As if, instead we have Robo-Light thrust into a sort-of-torment from what appears ignorance. That's not nearly as compelling to me; now it's just more 'Oops' than 'Yes, I suffer, and it is torment, and I weep, but there's a point to it all'
#11 ·
·
Another take on last round's Cold Iron. Polar opposite tone, though.

I think it handles the man (pony) machine hybrid thing a bit better, but I'm less fond of the actual content.
#12 · 1
· · >>Crafty
So... as others have pointed out, this is an emotional hook piece. It doesn't really stand up to examination if you poke at any of the whys or hows (why don't the probes just get Twilight to fix this?) But it's not really trying to. That's a little incongruous with the detailed space survey stuff, but okay.

Unfortunately, the emotional hook was completely lost on me when I saw the italicized lines and blurted "Is this a Daft Punk songfic?!"

And... it kinda is. I really don't know what to make of that. It did stop the hook quite well though. I think there's a better version of this to be had without the italics and with some more nuance and lip service to the setting. Perhaps that's just my taste. Or perhaps it's having to rank this against another entry (The Outer Limits) which is so extremely similar that it even shares the same major flaws. I see what you're going for, but oi, tough beats.
#13 · 1
· · >>RogerDodger
With only a few hours left until the next Writeoff, this retrospective is much later than I would've liked it to be.

Before everything else, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who shared their opinion on this story. Your insights were invaluable! I hope to be able to put what I learned here to good use in future works.

Thank you again :)

So, few words about this story. It was indeed inspired by a Daft Punk song, as Ranmilia pointed out. On the day of the Writeoff, I was working. I ended up driving through almost the entirety of my little country that night. I had read the prompt, and was trying to come up with a story idea on the way. It was Daft Punk's Touch that gave me the idea.

Alas, I could not stop to write on the road. By the time I got home, I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open.

So I went to sleep.

On the next day, I awoke with less than 2 hours left before the Writeoff's deadline. At that point I was convinced that I won't be able to finish a story in time, but still, I sat down to give it a shot. And, with only 3 minutes to spare before the deadline, this is what I managed to write. For what it's worth, I was happy with the result. Making finals was also a great honor.

>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't think I will end up expanding the story. While it can definitely use more breathing room, I doubt my ability to get it to 1000 words without it overstaying its welcome. And yes, the backronym was very tortured :)

>>Orbiting_kettle >>SPark
Thank you!

>>Zaid Val'Roa
You bring a very good point about the dissonance of the probe's thoughts. While it was intended, maybe it was not handled in the best possible way. My aim was to portray a mind that is emotional, but that funnels those emotions through an "artificial" worldview. The idea was, what if a mind that is extremely analytical by nature was also emotional by circumstance. Still, as you say, could've been handled better.

>>Kami
Your well thought out and reasoned negative critique wa just a joy to read. Very good points. You're right in saying that it could have been anyone's personality. My focus was not exactly on who the probe was. Instead it was about what existence is like for an emotional, intelligent being, locked in a prison of time. It is indeed a feels grab. My sole motivation in writing it was to explore a feeling of loss, loneliness and despair.

I can't comment on prompt appropriateness. I thought the sci-fi element was close enough in spirit, but that's about that.

Thank you for your thoughts.

>>Exuno
"It mostly just makes me go :("

Mission accomplished!

>>Ritsuko
Indeed, there was a missing comma in this that bugged me to no end. My own fault for not budgeting writing time appropriately.

>>CoffeeMinion
I actually have some ideas about how the particular situation came to be, but it was never the focus of the story. Ultimately, it really is just a slice of sadness. Thanks for the thoughts!

>>Xepher
Great points!

I was wondering about how this situation can come into place. For the most part, my thoughts are that the probe had to be rushed to launch. This left many necessary avenues unexplored. There were some implications to the design that had not been understood at the time. I also speculated that the probe self-improved over time, which resulted in constantly raising processing power. So, she self improved, but that lead to her perceiving time slower and slower, because her thoughts were getting faster and faster. The prison of her mind ended up only shrinking. And, in the vast voids of time between anything happening, all she had to hold on to were Twilight's memories. She relives them, and in reality they /are/ the only thing keeping her sane. But the cost is unimaginable loneliness.

There are obvious solutions to the probe's anguish. For example, it could build its own virtual reality, and relive the memories there, "experiencing" touch. For the purposes of this story though, I went with no such solution.

>>Morning Sun
I had initially considered if it should be Twilight herself, or an AGI with her memories. Ultimately, I went with the AGI. I thought that putting Twilight in that torture box was too much, even for me.

Then again, if an artificial consciousness feels pain, is it any less deserving of sympathy?

>>Ranmilia
Tough beats indeed!

The song was very much what inspired the story. The italics were meant to represent the duality of the intelligence on board of the probe. They are the unbidden thoughts, the deep longings, stuff that is beyond its control. I do think that using those next to more reasoned (even at times machine-like) thoughts makes for a nice contrast, and it was one of my goals. Though it did not work perfectly, I want to stand by it.

Thanks!

>>Not_A_Hat >>QuillScratch
And last but by no means least, the podcast folk! Thank you both for talking about my story!

Ah, that second to last line. I thought it would be readable, but turns out not. That's an ISO8601 date code, for the year 3271. It was only meant to indicate a far future point, and to be the reason why the probe basically knows how much time has passed. It's basically a computer's version of something like "I looked back at the clock. Only thirty seconds had passed."

Making the assumption that people would read it that way was entirely wrong, though.

"At that point in the structure there should be something revealed, and a backronym is not gonna cut it." - 100% right. I messed up on that.

The 300ms time passage was indeed just a zinger (I was actually gonna try and calculate the time it would take to cross through a solar flare at relativistic speeds and put that there, but ended up just putting in something that sounded about reasonable, without much thought). It's unfortunate that it ended up attracting attention, but I should be more mindful that people are going to pay close attention when there are this few words on the page.

I had not read Hammerfall, btw. Indeed some very similar ideas going on, as far as time perception, but that one is even faster.

And indeed, Exuno was right that the point was that these thoughts go through her head over and over and over again. The story is very much a "meditation on loneliness," as Xepher put it :)


Till next time, folks!