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Snoopy Vs. Azathoth
They were halfway around the Moon when the first verses of the song began to trickle in.
"That music even sounds outer-spacey, doesn't it? You hear that? That whistling sound?" Gene muttered, trying to distract himself from the tones. He reflexively scanned the instruments for the tenth time in as many minutes, almost disappointed to find everything still in order.
At his side, Tom grunted a monosyllablic assent, and seeing Colonel Tom Stafford staring vacantly into space rattled Gene more than the thin-piped fluting itself. He chuckled, thinking to play the sounds off as a joke, only to be thwarted by the radio's crackle.
"Did you hear that whistling sound, too?" John's voice came from the distant command module.
Slowly, and without taking his eyes off Tom's vacant stare, Gene replied. "Yeah. Sounds like - " Words failed him. "You know, outer-space-type music."
"I wonder what it is?" John mused. Gene chose not to reply. Parts of his brain were volunteering answers to that question, but Barb and Theresa were 200,000 miles away, not sleeping next to him. And how could an eclipse make a sound, much less a melody?
Instead, he snapped his fingers and tried to bring Tom to life. "Hey, Tom, uh. Is your - is your insulation all burned off here? On the front side of your window over here?"
No answer. Gene grabbed his commander's hand.
"Yeah." Finally, Tom shook his grip off, and gave Gene a glare.
"Mine's all burned off. Isn't that weird, eerie, John?" Gene said quickly, relieved to have gotten some response. Until John's reply turned his relief to ice.
"Yes, I got it, too. I was going to see... who was outside."
Tom, again far too calm, met Gene's frozen eyes, then reached out and flipped off the switch for the main cabin lights. They sat together in darkness, listening to the unearthly song play. Thumping sounds came in over the radio sometimes, interrupting the mindless piping. Gene tried his hardest not to think about what attempting to open the crew hatch in the command module would sound like.
In the dark, the grey sheen of the Moon shone through the porthole. But Gene could see something else there in its blurry reflection. Something alien moving against the surface, effortlessly galloping along under their orbit, with at least six or seven spiked limbs. Its colors were impossible: blacks deeper than space, mixed with flashes of blues and violets that he'd never seen while awake.
The song was part of it. Gene could feel that much in his brain. It wasn't music, or even sound, probably, but whatever it was came directly from the heart and dreams of that living nightmare and told him the truth of itself. It pulled like gravity, uncaring and unceasing, capturing anything that brushed up too closely. It was a night that would last forever. An eternal dream of darkness, untouched by any sun - and incompatible with everything that NASA and the Navy had taught him.
That last part finally made up Gene's mind. If that was the way the universe was, if things truly ran on magic instead of science, and not-flutes could really play not-music for some paradoxical beast on the Moon, well, so be it. But he wouldn't believe it until he saw it.
Eugene Cernan looked out the porthole and stared directly at the Nightmare on the Moon.
For an instant, he saw something, and spoke into his microphone before breaking down laughing at the absurdity of what his brain tried to process.
And then it was gone, a dream fading in his morning memory.
Gene turned the lights back on. John hadn't gone anywhere, and was laughing. Tom, who had believed the music was for him, was simply asleep. It had never been for Tom, or for them at all.
"Boy, that sure is weird music," he mused.
John replied quickly. "We're going to have to find out about that. Nobody will believe us!"
"No." Gene exhaled, listening to the song's remains. "It's a whistling, you know, like... an outer space-type thing."
"Probably due to the VHF ranging, I'd guess?" John hazarded, with his inside-joke tone.
"Yes." Gene concurred. He wasn't sure Houston would buy that, or exactly what John had done or seen. But VHF ranging was a hell of a lot better than telling people Apollo 10 had a traffic accident with God, and she looked like a Disney cartoon horse.
"I wouldn't believe there's anyone out there."
"That music even sounds outer-spacey, doesn't it? You hear that? That whistling sound?" Gene muttered, trying to distract himself from the tones. He reflexively scanned the instruments for the tenth time in as many minutes, almost disappointed to find everything still in order.
At his side, Tom grunted a monosyllablic assent, and seeing Colonel Tom Stafford staring vacantly into space rattled Gene more than the thin-piped fluting itself. He chuckled, thinking to play the sounds off as a joke, only to be thwarted by the radio's crackle.
"Did you hear that whistling sound, too?" John's voice came from the distant command module.
Slowly, and without taking his eyes off Tom's vacant stare, Gene replied. "Yeah. Sounds like - " Words failed him. "You know, outer-space-type music."
"I wonder what it is?" John mused. Gene chose not to reply. Parts of his brain were volunteering answers to that question, but Barb and Theresa were 200,000 miles away, not sleeping next to him. And how could an eclipse make a sound, much less a melody?
Instead, he snapped his fingers and tried to bring Tom to life. "Hey, Tom, uh. Is your - is your insulation all burned off here? On the front side of your window over here?"
No answer. Gene grabbed his commander's hand.
"Yeah." Finally, Tom shook his grip off, and gave Gene a glare.
"Mine's all burned off. Isn't that weird, eerie, John?" Gene said quickly, relieved to have gotten some response. Until John's reply turned his relief to ice.
"Yes, I got it, too. I was going to see... who was outside."
Tom, again far too calm, met Gene's frozen eyes, then reached out and flipped off the switch for the main cabin lights. They sat together in darkness, listening to the unearthly song play. Thumping sounds came in over the radio sometimes, interrupting the mindless piping. Gene tried his hardest not to think about what attempting to open the crew hatch in the command module would sound like.
In the dark, the grey sheen of the Moon shone through the porthole. But Gene could see something else there in its blurry reflection. Something alien moving against the surface, effortlessly galloping along under their orbit, with at least six or seven spiked limbs. Its colors were impossible: blacks deeper than space, mixed with flashes of blues and violets that he'd never seen while awake.
The song was part of it. Gene could feel that much in his brain. It wasn't music, or even sound, probably, but whatever it was came directly from the heart and dreams of that living nightmare and told him the truth of itself. It pulled like gravity, uncaring and unceasing, capturing anything that brushed up too closely. It was a night that would last forever. An eternal dream of darkness, untouched by any sun - and incompatible with everything that NASA and the Navy had taught him.
That last part finally made up Gene's mind. If that was the way the universe was, if things truly ran on magic instead of science, and not-flutes could really play not-music for some paradoxical beast on the Moon, well, so be it. But he wouldn't believe it until he saw it.
Eugene Cernan looked out the porthole and stared directly at the Nightmare on the Moon.
For an instant, he saw something, and spoke into his microphone before breaking down laughing at the absurdity of what his brain tried to process.
And then it was gone, a dream fading in his morning memory.
Gene turned the lights back on. John hadn't gone anywhere, and was laughing. Tom, who had believed the music was for him, was simply asleep. It had never been for Tom, or for them at all.
"Boy, that sure is weird music," he mused.
John replied quickly. "We're going to have to find out about that. Nobody will believe us!"
"No." Gene exhaled, listening to the song's remains. "It's a whistling, you know, like... an outer space-type thing."
"Probably due to the VHF ranging, I'd guess?" John hazarded, with his inside-joke tone.
"Yes." Gene concurred. He wasn't sure Houston would buy that, or exactly what John had done or seen. But VHF ranging was a hell of a lot better than telling people Apollo 10 had a traffic accident with God, and she looked like a Disney cartoon horse.
"I wouldn't believe there's anyone out there."
A salute to our brave Apollo astronauts! And it avoids making a mockery of their efforts. Just a brush with the uncanny. Not necessarily a top contender, but an honest effort that gets a thumbs up.
Oh, excellent! Although I do find the premise doesn't quite hold together for me. (Why is Luna on our moon, and not Equestria's?) I'm not sure it would hold up as a longer story, but as a short it is pretty interesting.
It wasn't until the end that I realized there were three astronauts and not two, that's how similar to each other they were.
Still, I like the premise. I like the concept of the encounter with the unknown.
However, some things were confusing.
I don't understand that part... what would "Barb and Theresa" have to do with space music?
And why is the insulation burned off? What does this have to do with anything?
Why do they assume it would "sound like" anything unusual? They're hearing some weird sounds from the outside, but their equipment isn't making any unusual sounds.
This threw me for a loop for a moment -- didn't he just see it? -- and I had to check again to realize he'd saw it in a "blurry reflection". I'm having a hard time visualizing this though. Where exactly would a "blurry reflection" of the Moon (with discernible colours, even) be visible in the spaceship?
Still, I like the premise. I like the concept of the encounter with the unknown.
However, some things were confusing.
"I wonder what it is?" John mused. Gene chose not to reply. Parts of his brain were volunteering answers to that question, but Barb and Theresa were 200,000 miles away, not sleeping next to him.
I don't understand that part... what would "Barb and Theresa" have to do with space music?
And why is the insulation burned off? What does this have to do with anything?
Gene tried his hardest not to think about what attempting to open the crew hatch in the command module would sound like.
Why do they assume it would "sound like" anything unusual? They're hearing some weird sounds from the outside, but their equipment isn't making any unusual sounds.
But he wouldn't believe it until he saw it.
This threw me for a loop for a moment -- didn't he just see it? -- and I had to check again to realize he'd saw it in a "blurry reflection". I'm having a hard time visualizing this though. Where exactly would a "blurry reflection" of the Moon (with discernible colours, even) be visible in the spaceship?
I think this is switching moods too far and too fast. The opening doesn't set the 'horror' up much, so when they're suddenly spooked, it seems odd. Then they switch to hilarity, which I think could work, except that it doesn't feel like I'm in on the joke, so it doesn't really seem justified.
Also, all I could think of when I got to Tom was this.
And where did John come from, anyways?
Well, I think the core of this story - astronauts encounter the Nightmare, fluctuations between horror and humor - are solid? It just doesn't work well for me here, because of some weirdness in how it's portrayed.
Also, all I could think of when I got to Tom was this.
And where did John come from, anyways?
Well, I think the core of this story - astronauts encounter the Nightmare, fluctuations between horror and humor - are solid? It just doesn't work well for me here, because of some weirdness in how it's portrayed.
Tom grunted a monosyllablic assent, and seeing Colonel Tom Stafford
Using Tom's name twice separate from each other is awkward, and that's a rough start early on here.
"Hey, Tom, uh. Is your - is your insulation all burned off here? On the front side of your window over here?"
I'm... not actually sure what the specific scene is or what's happening here yet. Which is bad. They're in a spaceship of some sort, obviously, but what are they doing. Why are they just sitting not trying to fix or investigate anything? If Tom is next to Gene, shouldn't he be able to see his window himself?
"Yes, I got it, too.
"Got" what? The burning?
If that was the way the universe was,
But he wouldn't believe it until he saw it.
The flow of this paragraph feels contradictory. The lead-in sounds like immediate acceptance, but the end clarifies it's anything but. Changing out "wouldn't believe" for something like "if that was the world he lived in, he needed to face it with his own eyes." Except then that repeats the second sentence there too closely.
"Boy, that sure is weird music," he mused.
So Gene recovers from an encounter with an alien that might also be a Higher Power, and this is his first reaction? Going back to thinking the music is weird, something he had already devoted plenty of thought to earlier?
what John had done or seen
what had John seen or done? Wasn't Gene the one watching everything?
"I wouldn't believe there's anyone out there."
Who said this, in response to what?
"Astronauts see the Nightmare while passing by the moon" is a solid story, and I think your intent to capture the horror and otherworldliness of the scenario was fairly on point, actually. Despite being confused and distracted by many of the point-by-point logistics, the tone of the encounter rung through well.
The fundamental issue is that story is missing the "Astronauts" piece, really. The three characters here barely express any traits whatsoever, don't seem to have logical trains of thought, and generally only exist in states of "strangely amused" or "2spoop". It actually feels more like I'm watching a trio of stoners in a basement who think they're in space. <_< It makes it somewhat hard to empathize with the gravitas of the situation.
Also, I guess I'm going to be the first one to complaing about feeling totally let down by the title here. Snoopy Vs Azathoth would be a fantastic battle, and yet neither of them feature here at all! D:
The historical context improves this once that is explained, but in the end its just...'Hey there was a pony on the moon, ok, bye' and...well, alright. That's like, what happened. It was a thing. But there's no giggles, or deeper meaning, or odd Lovecraftian...whatever, that would amp the creep or comedy or cringe factor.
>>Morning Sun
I think I agree here. Definitely a clever idea, but after the weird thing happens there's no "result".
It makes the difference between an anecdote and a story.
I think I agree here. Definitely a clever idea, but after the weird thing happens there's no "result".
It makes the difference between an anecdote and a story.
I assume the Crawling Chaos ate the Red Baron.
I did enjoy this. You conveyed a mounting sense of otherworldly dread well, portraying the slow erosion of sanity and faith in a sensible world with remarkable efficiency. It will certainly benefit from more room to establish itself and let the tension stretch out and make itself at home, but even as is, this was wonderfully atmospheric. Ironically enough.
I did enjoy this. You conveyed a mounting sense of otherworldly dread well, portraying the slow erosion of sanity and faith in a sensible world with remarkable efficiency. It will certainly benefit from more room to establish itself and let the tension stretch out and make itself at home, but even as is, this was wonderfully atmospheric. Ironically enough.
>>JudgeDeadd
Gene, Tom and John were all named right up from the start. in paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.
>>JudgeDeadd
Could have been plenty of fun, under a different Prompt and premis.
Gene, Tom and John were all named right up from the start. in paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.
>>JudgeDeadd
Could have been plenty of fun, under a different Prompt and premis.
I like what this tries to do, but I'm afraid I've seen it done better before. While the tone here is actually pretty solid, the descriptions and actions make it very hard to form a mental picture of what's going on. The "twist" is also gone the moment we realize this is one of the Apollo missions in the third paragraph when Tom's full name is given. The rest plays out too directly, it's just a glimpse, and nothing to challenge the (MLP-aware) reader's assumptions.
I don't mean to be too harsh. It's not a bad story, and I applaud the attempt to use a historical event and make it fit with our magic horse world, but it just doesn't bring enough new to the table.
I don't mean to be too harsh. It's not a bad story, and I applaud the attempt to use a historical event and make it fit with our magic horse world, but it just doesn't bring enough new to the table.
>>Xepher Riffing off of this, you could probably solve the problem by omitting the astronauts' full names until the last scene.
MLP-inspired real-world historical cosmic-horror fiction. That's quite a genre buster. A really good genre buster. If I had to criticize, I'd say that not enough is done to make Nightmare Moon's presence seem all that Nightmare Moon-y, and you could swap it out with (generic eldritch abomination) to no effect on the story.
MLP-inspired real-world historical cosmic-horror fiction. That's quite a genre buster. A really good genre buster. If I had to criticize, I'd say that not enough is done to make Nightmare Moon's presence seem all that Nightmare Moon-y, and you could swap it out with (generic eldritch abomination) to no effect on the story.
Genre: Ground control to Major Tom
Thoughts: I'll echo >>Posh's comment that the use of NMM here has such a light touch that you could use a more generic eldritch horror without losing anything. I might even go so far as to say it would be stronger for doing so, because it makes less sense to have a brush with NMM in specific than a less name-brand ancient evil. There are also some clunky mechanical aspects to who is where in the ship that makes the whole thing hard to visualize, as >>Xepher mentioned. I also don't get the title, or how it connects.
And yet, the whole thing hangs together better than i might expect given those nitpicks. It's a tale about a brush with the creepy unknown, and it succeeds at being so. I think the Disney line is the perfect way to tie things together.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I'll echo >>Posh's comment that the use of NMM here has such a light touch that you could use a more generic eldritch horror without losing anything. I might even go so far as to say it would be stronger for doing so, because it makes less sense to have a brush with NMM in specific than a less name-brand ancient evil. There are also some clunky mechanical aspects to who is where in the ship that makes the whole thing hard to visualize, as >>Xepher mentioned. I also don't get the title, or how it connects.
And yet, the whole thing hangs together better than i might expect given those nitpicks. It's a tale about a brush with the creepy unknown, and it succeeds at being so. I think the Disney line is the perfect way to tie things together.
Tier: Almost There
>>CoffeeMinion
This was explained to me by someone else, so I can't take credit for it, but the title, and all the other names in the story are taken from the Apollo 10 space mission.
This was explained to me by someone else, so I can't take credit for it, but the title, and all the other names in the story are taken from the Apollo 10 space mission.
I'd medal this for most unexpected take on the prompt without hesitation. My only gripe, and others have mentioned it, is that you could replace Luna with some other 7-8 legged monstrosity and it wouldn't lose much effect. Also, why does she have that many spiked legs? There might be more clues I'm missing, but a couple readings haven't yet revealed them.
Still, a great mix of real-world and fictional events.
Still, a great mix of real-world and fictional events.
Cute idea, but I was having a bizarre amount of trouble actually reading this. Not quite sure what it is. Possibly the inserted dialogue? Actions and the like just don't quite seem to line up right.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>SPark
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Exuno
>>Jordanis
>>Morning Sun
>>Haze
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Ritsuko
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Cassius
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
Very belated thanks to everyone who participated in this round, and congratulations to the winners! This was my first attempt at entering one of these here writeoff things, and I learned quite a bit and had some fun. I'd wanted to look at all the other pieces, too, but 60 entries, wow. I wound up vastly underestimating the time it all would take - even this brief recap has been put off so long that I am shamed.
The entry itself was under some time pressure as well, as scheduling concerns had me wind up with only about 4 hours to work on it. So I sold out and went the wholesale gimmick route, opening eight tabs worth of research and relying heavily on the novelty of the concept and the hope that someone would pick up on it and explain it in the comments. (Had they not, I wouldn't have done so myself, that'd be even worse form, but fortunately Jordanis got it.) Overall quality - ehn. Placed about right, I think. Maybe a little higher than it deserves, even.
Tying myself to the exclusive use of the transcripts for dialogue hurt way more than it helped, overall. It was fun to work with the lines and mold them into different meanings, but probably not worth the confusion to the reader in trying to follow it, and definitely not worth the amount of word count I had to spend shaping the beginning and end. Vastly underestimated that and wound up leaving myself too little room to actually write in the middle. If I had to redo this it'd certainly be better to keep the scene on just the two astronauts in the module and write original dialogue.
As to the use of Luna/Nightmare Moon... well, I'm not sure I agree with the idea that it could've been just anything out there. One of the core pillars of Lovecraftian eldritch horror, to me, is the idea that nobody escapes unscathed. Encounters with cosmic horrors almost invariably end with the protagonists dead, worse than dead, insane, or at least heavily scarred. So here, the entity from beyond space and time turning out to be a cartoon pony who isn't really all that vast or malevolent is key to having it all turn out okay! ... But that's probably going way too deep for a mini, especially one that's already straining the readers in multiple ways. The driving sentiment behind those criticisms seems more one of "There isn't enough Luna in the story," to which I can only completely agree!
(The limbs bit, incidentally, was a humorously intended poke at the complicated nature of alicorn designs: four legs, two wings, a tail, a horned head, and a prominent mane.)
Anyway, I'm glad some people enjoyed this little exercise. Thank you all again, and onward to the future we go!
>>SPark
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Exuno
>>Jordanis
>>Morning Sun
>>Haze
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Ritsuko
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Cassius
>>Rao
>>AndrewRogue
Very belated thanks to everyone who participated in this round, and congratulations to the winners! This was my first attempt at entering one of these here writeoff things, and I learned quite a bit and had some fun. I'd wanted to look at all the other pieces, too, but 60 entries, wow. I wound up vastly underestimating the time it all would take - even this brief recap has been put off so long that I am shamed.
The entry itself was under some time pressure as well, as scheduling concerns had me wind up with only about 4 hours to work on it. So I sold out and went the wholesale gimmick route, opening eight tabs worth of research and relying heavily on the novelty of the concept and the hope that someone would pick up on it and explain it in the comments. (Had they not, I wouldn't have done so myself, that'd be even worse form, but fortunately Jordanis got it.) Overall quality - ehn. Placed about right, I think. Maybe a little higher than it deserves, even.
Tying myself to the exclusive use of the transcripts for dialogue hurt way more than it helped, overall. It was fun to work with the lines and mold them into different meanings, but probably not worth the confusion to the reader in trying to follow it, and definitely not worth the amount of word count I had to spend shaping the beginning and end. Vastly underestimated that and wound up leaving myself too little room to actually write in the middle. If I had to redo this it'd certainly be better to keep the scene on just the two astronauts in the module and write original dialogue.
As to the use of Luna/Nightmare Moon... well, I'm not sure I agree with the idea that it could've been just anything out there. One of the core pillars of Lovecraftian eldritch horror, to me, is the idea that nobody escapes unscathed. Encounters with cosmic horrors almost invariably end with the protagonists dead, worse than dead, insane, or at least heavily scarred. So here, the entity from beyond space and time turning out to be a cartoon pony who isn't really all that vast or malevolent is key to having it all turn out okay! ... But that's probably going way too deep for a mini, especially one that's already straining the readers in multiple ways. The driving sentiment behind those criticisms seems more one of "There isn't enough Luna in the story," to which I can only completely agree!
(The limbs bit, incidentally, was a humorously intended poke at the complicated nature of alicorn designs: four legs, two wings, a tail, a horned head, and a prominent mane.)
Anyway, I'm glad some people enjoyed this little exercise. Thank you all again, and onward to the future we go!