Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Playing the Game
“Rarity, may I have a word?”
Rarity paused at the door to the Cute-Map Room, a bundle of dirty dishes and cutlery caught in her magic. The rest of the girls had already left after their usual Friday luncheon but she’d insisted on helping with the washing up. “Yes, Applejack?”
Applejack shuffled her hooves, looking anywhere but at Rarity. “Well, ya see I got a bit of a problem and... well I know you and Spike go hunting for gems. I was hoping you had space for a paid assistant.”
“Applejack, are you asking me for money?” Rarity asked, frowning.
“No!” Applejack protested, defensively. “I’m just... looking for a little work.”
“How bad is it?” Rarity fixed her with a flat look.
“Can I–”
“How much?”
Applejack hung her head. “Six thousand bits.”
“Six thousand!” Rarity gaped, the crockery bobbing. “How ever did that much money slip your notice?”
Applejack scowled. “Property taxes, they’ve been going up since Twilight’s Castle appeared. I just don’t know what I’m gonna’ do. Things are tight enough that we might start missing mortgage payments.”
Pursing her lips, Rarity thought for a long moment. “Yes, prices have been spiralling up. You could always sell the land...”
“Absolutely not!” Applejack shook her head so hard her hat almost came off. “Granny won’t sell an inch and I’m right there behind her.”
“Hmm...” Rarity set down the crockery as she considered. The money was the easy part, but how to come up with a solution that Applejack would accept? “How about a loan?”
“The bank won’t give us another bit.”
“Renegotiate some contracts?”
“I can’t do that, those contracts are older than I am.”
Rarity shot her a withering look and sighed. “Okay, you can borrow from a friend.”
“I don’t know anypony I could ask for that kind of money.”
“Well, what–” Rarity froze. “You don’t know anypony? You’re friends with a Wonderbolt, a Princess, a mare with three fashion boutiques and an Equestria renowned pop-star.”
“Don’t borrow money from friends, that’s what Granny always says,” Applejack told her, as if that settled the argument.
Rarity felt her eye twitch. “You’ve also saved four out of the five Princesses of Equestria. Just ask them to waive the tax.”
Applejack looked horrified. “I couldn’t do that. How would that be fair?”
“We live in an theocratic monarchy, Applejack. Power and wealth is a function of your connections to the Princesses.” Applejack just frowned at her. “Watch, we’re going to talk to the Governor.”
Three minutes later they were in Twilight's office. It was aggressively tidey, filled to the brim with binders and filing cabinets. Rarity was sure if she looked hard enough she’d find a folder marked ‘Discarded Feathers: Lavender’.
“Oh, hi girls,” Twilight said, as they came in. “What’s going on?”
“Applejack,” Rarity began. “I would like you to meet the Governor of the Cantervale.”
“Rarity!” Twilight blushed scarlet. “I’m not the Governor. Celestia is the Governor, I just do some of her paperwork temporarily.”
Rarity sighed. “How much paperwork?”
“Well... all of it.”
“And for how long?”
“A year and a half. But Celestia makes the final decisions,” she protested.
“And how long has it been since she overruled you?”
“A year and a half.” Twilight froze, then groaned. “Oh, come on! That’s the third time she’s used that trick.”
“One problem at a time, darling,” Rarity continued. “Now, Applejack here is struggling to pay her taxes. Can you please waive them?” She ignored the indignant spluttering from Applejack.
“Rarity!” Twilight protested. “I can waive taxes just because I feel like it. There’s checks and balances, precedent, and besides it's hardly fair.”
Rarity huffed. “Really? A load of nobles speculating on property is driving Applejack out of her home and you’re worried about fairness?”
“What? Applejack that’s terrible. Whatever can we do to help?”
Rolling her eyes Rarity ignored the pair as they discussed a bake sale or something. After a few moments searching she pulled out a sheaf of expense forms and filled one in for six thousand bits.
“Twilight darling,” she interjected. “Sign this please, it's a friendship problem related expense. It slipped my mind earlier.”
“Oh, right.” Twilight glanced at the form and signed before turning back to her conversation.
“Wonderful.” Rarity shoved the form into Applejack’s hooves. “Here, a promissory note for six-thousand bits. Happy birthday for nine weeks from now.”
She walked out before either of them could protest. Honestly, it was like nopony knew how the game was played.
Rarity paused at the door to the Cute-Map Room, a bundle of dirty dishes and cutlery caught in her magic. The rest of the girls had already left after their usual Friday luncheon but she’d insisted on helping with the washing up. “Yes, Applejack?”
Applejack shuffled her hooves, looking anywhere but at Rarity. “Well, ya see I got a bit of a problem and... well I know you and Spike go hunting for gems. I was hoping you had space for a paid assistant.”
“Applejack, are you asking me for money?” Rarity asked, frowning.
“No!” Applejack protested, defensively. “I’m just... looking for a little work.”
“How bad is it?” Rarity fixed her with a flat look.
“Can I–”
“How much?”
Applejack hung her head. “Six thousand bits.”
“Six thousand!” Rarity gaped, the crockery bobbing. “How ever did that much money slip your notice?”
Applejack scowled. “Property taxes, they’ve been going up since Twilight’s Castle appeared. I just don’t know what I’m gonna’ do. Things are tight enough that we might start missing mortgage payments.”
Pursing her lips, Rarity thought for a long moment. “Yes, prices have been spiralling up. You could always sell the land...”
“Absolutely not!” Applejack shook her head so hard her hat almost came off. “Granny won’t sell an inch and I’m right there behind her.”
“Hmm...” Rarity set down the crockery as she considered. The money was the easy part, but how to come up with a solution that Applejack would accept? “How about a loan?”
“The bank won’t give us another bit.”
“Renegotiate some contracts?”
“I can’t do that, those contracts are older than I am.”
Rarity shot her a withering look and sighed. “Okay, you can borrow from a friend.”
“I don’t know anypony I could ask for that kind of money.”
“Well, what–” Rarity froze. “You don’t know anypony? You’re friends with a Wonderbolt, a Princess, a mare with three fashion boutiques and an Equestria renowned pop-star.”
“Don’t borrow money from friends, that’s what Granny always says,” Applejack told her, as if that settled the argument.
Rarity felt her eye twitch. “You’ve also saved four out of the five Princesses of Equestria. Just ask them to waive the tax.”
Applejack looked horrified. “I couldn’t do that. How would that be fair?”
“We live in an theocratic monarchy, Applejack. Power and wealth is a function of your connections to the Princesses.” Applejack just frowned at her. “Watch, we’re going to talk to the Governor.”
Three minutes later they were in Twilight's office. It was aggressively tidey, filled to the brim with binders and filing cabinets. Rarity was sure if she looked hard enough she’d find a folder marked ‘Discarded Feathers: Lavender’.
“Oh, hi girls,” Twilight said, as they came in. “What’s going on?”
“Applejack,” Rarity began. “I would like you to meet the Governor of the Cantervale.”
“Rarity!” Twilight blushed scarlet. “I’m not the Governor. Celestia is the Governor, I just do some of her paperwork temporarily.”
Rarity sighed. “How much paperwork?”
“Well... all of it.”
“And for how long?”
“A year and a half. But Celestia makes the final decisions,” she protested.
“And how long has it been since she overruled you?”
“A year and a half.” Twilight froze, then groaned. “Oh, come on! That’s the third time she’s used that trick.”
“One problem at a time, darling,” Rarity continued. “Now, Applejack here is struggling to pay her taxes. Can you please waive them?” She ignored the indignant spluttering from Applejack.
“Rarity!” Twilight protested. “I can waive taxes just because I feel like it. There’s checks and balances, precedent, and besides it's hardly fair.”
Rarity huffed. “Really? A load of nobles speculating on property is driving Applejack out of her home and you’re worried about fairness?”
“What? Applejack that’s terrible. Whatever can we do to help?”
Rolling her eyes Rarity ignored the pair as they discussed a bake sale or something. After a few moments searching she pulled out a sheaf of expense forms and filled one in for six thousand bits.
“Twilight darling,” she interjected. “Sign this please, it's a friendship problem related expense. It slipped my mind earlier.”
“Oh, right.” Twilight glanced at the form and signed before turning back to her conversation.
“Wonderful.” Rarity shoved the form into Applejack’s hooves. “Here, a promissory note for six-thousand bits. Happy birthday for nine weeks from now.”
She walked out before either of them could protest. Honestly, it was like nopony knew how the game was played.
Here's a Twilight's zoning-laws story (though zoning is not specifically discussed), cute and competently executed. The bit about Celestia's strategy made me smile. As usual in minific rounds, it feels a bit rushed towards the end.
Point 1, it is Cutie Map.
Applejack sounds too far removed from the farm in her speach here.
Property taxes? in Ponyville?
Theocratic Monarchy ^^
oh, and well played..
Applejack sounds too far removed from the farm in her speach here.
Property taxes? in Ponyville?
Theocratic Monarchy ^^
oh, and well played..
Rarity gaming the system and playing Twilight is funny, but it also feels just slightly OOC. I mean, it's not some regional bureaucrat she's defrauding; it's one of her best friends. Sure, it's to help a second friend, and I actually could see her doing something like this, but not to someone she was as close to as she is to Twilight.
I am also not a fan of this paragraph:
It comes and goes in a hurry, and the first sentence is a run-on. I know it's 750 words, max, but I still expect (nay, demand) an apology when this is all over, author.
Beyond those quibbles, this was wittily done; the characters' voices are all captured well, and for some reason, stories that deconstruct (or reconstruct, even) the specifics of Equestria's government machinery resonate with me. Don't ask me why. I couldn't begin to tell you.
I am also not a fan of this paragraph:
Rolling her eyes Rarity ignored the pair as they discussed a bake sale or something. After a few moments searching she pulled out a sheaf of expense forms and filled one in for six thousand bits.
It comes and goes in a hurry, and the first sentence is a run-on. I know it's 750 words, max, but I still expect (nay, demand) an apology when this is all over, author.
Beyond those quibbles, this was wittily done; the characters' voices are all captured well, and for some reason, stories that deconstruct (or reconstruct, even) the specifics of Equestria's government machinery resonate with me. Don't ask me why. I couldn't begin to tell you.
Hmm. I want to like this one, but I feel like Applejack is out of character. She's been shown to be kind of ruthless when it comes to the prosperity of her farm. It seems really odd for her to not be willing to accept a rescuing hoof in time of need. I could see a little reluctance, but needing to be tricked into it felt like a bit much. Maybe it's just me.
Post by
SPark
, deleted
I'll disagree with others on this one, the characters didn't feel OoC for me. Their actions felt more like this is what they would do if we just consider them as a bit more mature than in the show.
However, it feels indeed a bit rushed (because of the word-count I guess) and the story feels very dense.
However, it feels indeed a bit rushed (because of the word-count I guess) and the story feels very dense.
Applejack does feel a little hobbled for the sake of the story, but overall, I thought this one was quite amusing. That said, I do hope Twilight takes some gubernatorial/princessly actions against the ponies trying to buy Ponyville out from under all her friends.
This is decently well written, so I can't really complain on most of that. It's the premise and technical details that fall short for me. At its heart, this is a story of economic theory, yet... it misses key points.
Applejack, for instance, literally says:
Yet they still have a 6,000 bit mortgage payment? Mortgages that last 30 years are common, a generation, extreme. Knowing what we know from canon, that Sweet Apple Acres has been around since Granny Smith was a filly... now the math falls apart. Either the Apples have been absolutely hoodwinked, in which case Twilight absolutely SHOULD intervene with force of law, or they are literally trying to maintain a buggy-whip business in the age of the automobile. In either case, the solution is not "game the system for money" but innovate or litigate.
So yes, the writing is good, the character voices match, but... the premise fails I'm afraid.
Applejack, for instance, literally says:
“I can’t do that, those contracts are older than I am.”
Yet they still have a 6,000 bit mortgage payment? Mortgages that last 30 years are common, a generation, extreme. Knowing what we know from canon, that Sweet Apple Acres has been around since Granny Smith was a filly... now the math falls apart. Either the Apples have been absolutely hoodwinked, in which case Twilight absolutely SHOULD intervene with force of law, or they are literally trying to maintain a buggy-whip business in the age of the automobile. In either case, the solution is not "game the system for money" but innovate or litigate.
So yes, the writing is good, the character voices match, but... the premise fails I'm afraid.
"Cantervale" gives me some little AU tingles, which would explain the out of character bits people are picking up on, maybe. That, and Celestia's never been noted as a governor, exactly. Rarity is fabulous though, and pushes through AJ and Twilight's quirky hang-ups with poise that would make Havel blush.
I say well done.
I say well done.
Ooh, I like this quite a bit. The writing's nice and crisp, the characters bounce off each other well, and the plot's perfectly executed to the minific length, with a conclusion that is sliiiightly rushed but still pretty satisfying. Very well done in almost all regards.
Other comments found the character voices a tiny bit OOC at times, and I'd tend to agree, but I also view that as a strong positive trait rather than a negative. I think characters should surprise the reader slightly in how they speak and behave (within reason, of course.) It keeps them fresher and more interesting to read than Applebot and Raritybot parroting the first stereotypical lines anyone could imagine them saying to each other.
The one point I do take issue with was also already raised: just how did Applejack get this deep in the hole in the first place, and with nobody noticing? The explanation given doesn't feel sufficient, and the question's too quickly brushed over. Perhaps that's a "Twilight Zone" aspect...? Nah, reads more like the author just couldn't come up with a better rationale in the time constraints. Some imaginary points off, but it happens, and doesn't kill the story to me. Still a strong contender in my regards.
Other comments found the character voices a tiny bit OOC at times, and I'd tend to agree, but I also view that as a strong positive trait rather than a negative. I think characters should surprise the reader slightly in how they speak and behave (within reason, of course.) It keeps them fresher and more interesting to read than Applebot and Raritybot parroting the first stereotypical lines anyone could imagine them saying to each other.
The one point I do take issue with was also already raised: just how did Applejack get this deep in the hole in the first place, and with nobody noticing? The explanation given doesn't feel sufficient, and the question's too quickly brushed over. Perhaps that's a "Twilight Zone" aspect...? Nah, reads more like the author just couldn't come up with a better rationale in the time constraints. Some imaginary points off, but it happens, and doesn't kill the story to me. Still a strong contender in my regards.
Things are tight enough that we might start missing mortgage payments.
This may just be me, but... Three generations and they don't own that farm yet? I dunno if I can buy it. Maybe if there were extreme extenuating circumstances, but I'm not seeing that here.
“Don’t borrow money from friends, that’s what Granny always says,” Applejack told her, as if that settled the argument.
This is actually really good advice. Unless your friendship transcends money - but at that point, just ask for a gift, honestly.
The money was the easy part, but how to come up with a solution that Applejack would accept?
Um. Didn't Applejack literally start the story with one? :/ Just say 'Yes I'll hire you six grand carry some rocks."
Honestly, it was like nopony knew how the game was played.
Maybe because they can't figure out the rules? This story is sorta all over the place. It's solid in grammar and paragraph construction, but 'the game' doesn't come in as an idea until the final line, and several things seem to get undue attention. Like, if it's about getting Applejack and Twilight to realize they should loosen up, then all the discussion on why Applejack needs money isn't that important, maybe? I dunno. There's definitely a story here, and it hints at theme... but I can't piece it together into something cohesive, because its continually leaping in new directions.
>>Not_A_Hat
In defense of farm debt, it's entirely possible they went through some rough times and had to remortgage, take loans against the farm equity, or some other financial nonsense. Also worth remembering is that given how unbelievably old Granny Smith is, those three generations might be a few decades longer than usual. Plenty of chance for the above financial woes to happen.
Good point about AJ leading with a legitimate funnel for the money, though I'm not sure hauling gems is worth 6,000 bits. She might have taken issue with being paid so well for manual labor.
In defense of farm debt, it's entirely possible they went through some rough times and had to remortgage, take loans against the farm equity, or some other financial nonsense. Also worth remembering is that given how unbelievably old Granny Smith is, those three generations might be a few decades longer than usual. Plenty of chance for the above financial woes to happen.
Good point about AJ leading with a legitimate funnel for the money, though I'm not sure hauling gems is worth 6,000 bits. She might have taken issue with being paid so well for manual labor.
>>Rao While I won't say your argument can't work, I'd file all of that under 'extreme extenuating circumstances' myself. More time alive should equal more time to pay off debts or save money, and there's no indication in cannon of them having serious financial trouble.
I mean, it definitely could happen. But I, at least, have trouble buying it without some indication that this is AU. Because my headcannon is different, I guess. Perhaps I'm not in the target audience, so make of that what you will, Author.
I mean, it definitely could happen. But I, at least, have trouble buying it without some indication that this is AU. Because my headcannon is different, I guess. Perhaps I'm not in the target audience, so make of that what you will, Author.
Cantervale was weird and kinda disconnected me a bit since it put me in question of what this story actually was. Seemed too accurate to be AU, but...?
Can/Can't typos are always silly. Easy to make, but you should watch those because they jump out massively.
Otherwise, I like this. Cute, fairly smart, solidly characterized (though AJ gets a bit lost, it isn't too bad since this is actually a Rarity story), and fun.
Can/Can't typos are always silly. Easy to make, but you should watch those because they jump out massively.
Otherwise, I like this. Cute, fairly smart, solidly characterized (though AJ gets a bit lost, it isn't too bad since this is actually a Rarity story), and fun.
I want to belatedly note that this was the story on top of my ballot, and while second place was a heartbreaking call I didn't have to ever seriously think about first. Excellent job. Looking forward to seeing it make the leap to FIMFic.
(And I should remind everyone that I've added a folder to the FIMFiction Writeoff group for this month's contest. If you expand your entry to 1000+ words and publish it there, add it to the Writeoff folder! Everyone who has submitted at least one Writeoff story should have contributor status in the group — if not, PM me from your FIMFic account and I'll fix it.)
(And I should remind everyone that I've added a folder to the FIMFiction Writeoff group for this month's contest. If you expand your entry to 1000+ words and publish it there, add it to the Writeoff folder! Everyone who has submitted at least one Writeoff story should have contributor status in the group — if not, PM me from your FIMFic account and I'll fix it.)
Playing the Game
Right, retrospective time.
So this was the second story I wrote in this particular round and I started about three, three and a half hours before the deadline. I do love the mini-fics but there are times when the 24 schedule can really mess you up. In the case of Playing the Game, it grew from a lost scene from my neglected FiM story, Alicornitus which also is exploring the themes of the girls having a great deal more political power than they demonstrate in the show. Unfortunately time ended up being the enemy of this fic and I can to seriously cut the first draft to fit into the format, I think it lost almost a quarter of the length and this drove a lot of the issues people identified.
Funnily enough, most of the issues seemed to be built around the suspension of disbelief around Applejack's farm debts. Given how much time she spends going the extra mile to squeak a few more bits in the show, I'm surprised that this was a major issue, but I guess you can never know someone else's head canon. For the record, mortgaging a farm or part of a farm is a fairly standard way of generating capital for either expansion or dealing with hard times and having a mortgage is pretty common for anyone who owns land.
Anyway, this really comes down to length. Applejack does not get enough room in the story to breathe and so you kind of have to accept everything on faith. The little digression with Twilight being tricked into ruling a province was fun, but it sapped space from the actual story and probably should have been saved for an FiM version. Ah well, I find with the 24 hours runs there's rarely enough time to fix problems like that.
Now for some responses:
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks, Celestia's master plan was definitely my favorite moment to write.
>>Ritsuko
Glad you enjoyed it, a yes taxes are unavoidable even in Equestria. They're that universal.
>>Posh
Yeah, I ran out of words near the end and the whole Twilight thing really needs another 750 to work. Though I will say that Rarity isn't defrauding anyone, its entirely Twilight's prerogative to give out cash. The dissonance between a monarchy and democracy was one of the things I wanted to highlight in this fic.
>>SPark
I always see Applejack as having a very set list of right and wrong ways to earn money. She's ruthless with things on the list but she wouldn't dream of say, just asking for a huge stack of bits from a friend.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Glad you found things funny. Yeah, Twilight really needs to be more proactive, but she's not used to the game yet.
>>Rao
Thanks.
'Cantervale' is actually one of those things I wondered if would give me away, as its something I've used before as a piece of fanon. Logically, there's a couple levels of government between Mayor Mare and Celestia so Cantervale (literally meaning the Canterlot valley) is the province I typically fold Ponyvile into.
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks :)
>>horizon
And thank you very much horizon. I had a lot of fun with this one and hopefully it'll be even better with more room to breathe.
Right, retrospective time.
So this was the second story I wrote in this particular round and I started about three, three and a half hours before the deadline. I do love the mini-fics but there are times when the 24 schedule can really mess you up. In the case of Playing the Game, it grew from a lost scene from my neglected FiM story, Alicornitus which also is exploring the themes of the girls having a great deal more political power than they demonstrate in the show. Unfortunately time ended up being the enemy of this fic and I can to seriously cut the first draft to fit into the format, I think it lost almost a quarter of the length and this drove a lot of the issues people identified.
Funnily enough, most of the issues seemed to be built around the suspension of disbelief around Applejack's farm debts. Given how much time she spends going the extra mile to squeak a few more bits in the show, I'm surprised that this was a major issue, but I guess you can never know someone else's head canon. For the record, mortgaging a farm or part of a farm is a fairly standard way of generating capital for either expansion or dealing with hard times and having a mortgage is pretty common for anyone who owns land.
Anyway, this really comes down to length. Applejack does not get enough room in the story to breathe and so you kind of have to accept everything on faith. The little digression with Twilight being tricked into ruling a province was fun, but it sapped space from the actual story and probably should have been saved for an FiM version. Ah well, I find with the 24 hours runs there's rarely enough time to fix problems like that.
Now for some responses:
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks, Celestia's master plan was definitely my favorite moment to write.
>>Ritsuko
Glad you enjoyed it, a yes taxes are unavoidable even in Equestria. They're that universal.
>>Posh
Yeah, I ran out of words near the end and the whole Twilight thing really needs another 750 to work. Though I will say that Rarity isn't defrauding anyone, its entirely Twilight's prerogative to give out cash. The dissonance between a monarchy and democracy was one of the things I wanted to highlight in this fic.
>>SPark
I always see Applejack as having a very set list of right and wrong ways to earn money. She's ruthless with things on the list but she wouldn't dream of say, just asking for a huge stack of bits from a friend.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Glad you found things funny. Yeah, Twilight really needs to be more proactive, but she's not used to the game yet.
>>Rao
Thanks.
'Cantervale' is actually one of those things I wondered if would give me away, as its something I've used before as a piece of fanon. Logically, there's a couple levels of government between Mayor Mare and Celestia so Cantervale (literally meaning the Canterlot valley) is the province I typically fold Ponyvile into.
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks :)
>>horizon
And thank you very much horizon. I had a lot of fun with this one and hopefully it'll be even better with more room to breathe.
>>billymorph
Guess Property Taxes could be expected, just that it depends on a few details if these would actually apply to the Apples in the specific case.
Gotta enjoy a story well played. Interesting interpretation of the included characters here.
Guess Property Taxes could be expected, just that it depends on a few details if these would actually apply to the Apples in the specific case.
Gotta enjoy a story well played. Interesting interpretation of the included characters here.