This has a wonderful atmosphere. I agree with the other comment, it is a bit reminiscent of Lovecraft. I do also agree that it could be even better if expanded a bit, to draw out the descent into madness.

I think my favorite spot is

(To hatchling, now to fledgling mare)
To Princess

where suddenly the reversed lines are referencing Twilight's ascension.

I don't know how you do such a thing in 24 hours.

Torn on this one. The premise is nice, the narrator speaks and Twilight can hear them and it freaks her out. Is it supposed to be Rod Sterling? They talk like Rod Sterling.

But then... was this trying to go for comedy or for suspense? We are never properly introduced to the narrator, which could have provided help in either direction.

Also, Twilight gets jumpscared the same way twice, you should try to mix it up.

Hah! I like that the twist is that there isn't a twist.

I got the Half-Life reference but without it, I think I wouldn't have known what to do with this. For those who didn't get it, try this.

So it's a good story, pretty funny but, as others said, it feels incomplete. The setup is good but there is not really an end. Also, I'll need to check it (later because I haven't the time right now) but it seems that 'The Freeman' in the Vortigaunts speech has been just replaced by 'The Sparkle' and the rest is just copy paste. If it isn't, it's a good job because it felt really real. If it is, well, this is just lazy.

Hee. Well, I laughed, so well done! I do agree that the final scene makes it feel a bit scattered. The core idea is fantastic, though.

I agree with Orbiting Kettle. A specific motive for the probe mission isn't necessary to enjoy what it's doing. We have a just enough details that hint towards a possible explanation, but it's ultimately left up to the readers to make up their minds. With that as a starting point, this story accomplishes what it set out to do, a snippet of the life—as it were—of a space probe.

My only point of contention, and take this entirely as a matter of personal preference, is the nature of the inner monologue of the Twilight probe.. It's a bit too... uneven for my taste. On one hand we have traces of that cold, pragmatic monotone befitting an AI, but they're interspersed within a more reflective monologue that I presume is a result of the imprint of the original Twilight's memories. My dissatisfaction stems from that dissonance. One one hand the probe sometimes behaves like the interface of an operating system, but then goes back to a ponderous reflexion of the state of its life, and I don't feel as though those two aspects were as well balanced as they could have been.

If there was a reason for that dissonance. As in, maybe a defect of the probe is causing Twilight's memories to decay and blend with the AI, then I didn't find anything that would suggest that.

Now, I'm not saying you should expand this and turn it into a deep commentary about the nature of existence, or whatever (unless you want to) but I do feel going over this a few times would help iron out those kinks and make this piece shine much more brightly.


>>FanOfMostEverything
and while we’re on the subject, the backronym’s a bit forced
I thought that was the rule for acronyms in general fiction.

Get 'em up against the wall?

A nice, solid Twilight Zone episode in Equestria. (Man, people are good at coming up with these! I'm kind of embarrassed that my own ideas weren't nearly so original.) It does a lot with not very many words. Gotta say this one is currently near the top of my personal list. It's not as creepy as some of them, but it is very well written and it stands very well as a complete story.

Well, I didn't have to search too long thanks to the magic of Internet.

"The Sparkle must excuse us. It is rude of us to commune by flux shifting in front of those whose vortal inputs are impaired."

"Yes," chimed another, in an oddly stilted accent. "We will vocalize in your auditory language as a matter of courtesy."

"Unless we wish to say unflattering things about you," the third prompted.

"Just so," they announced in unison. "The Sparkle honors us by her presence. We remember the Sparkle. We are coterminous."

Directly taken from the game.

“We have met the Sparkle many times before, but this Sparkle has met us for the first.”

A ctrl+f didn't get any match so this one seems original.

For a brief time you joined us. You are the one, between the worlds.

Once again directly taken from the game.

“You have brought us grief and jubilation beyond measure. Your song we shall sing for eternity, as we have done and will do. We cannot forget those whose cords you cut. Forgiveness is not ours to bestow.”

A mix of different lines from the game.

“We never dreamed to meet you in corporeal form. The Sparkle can make use of these. These bodies are yours to command. The Sparkle knows best.”

And again, directly taken from the game.

Here the source I used SOURCE I'll let the others judge by themselves.

Sorry author but this just feels lazy. If it had been only one or two quotes, I would have seen it as a reference and accept it but with so many, it is just plagiarism. That's unfortunate because the idea behind the story was a good idea.

A nice sendup of "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street". :D Though the twist is reversed here, which makes it a very different statement from the original, since instead of nobody actually being an alien, everybody is.

>>Xepher I think it only sounds political because the original Twilight Zone story was.

Awww, it's cute. Not very Twilight Zone? I guess it technically has Twilight in it, is all. Still, cute!

Uhm. What. I'm afraid I agree with Spike, but about the whole story.

I am a bit... confused about Spike's early bouts of anger. I can picture him being annoyed at Twilight's mess, and then hurt or disappointed at her forgetting about her birthday/getting him a book again, I wasn't sure which one was it. I just don't feel Spike would react like that towards Twilight, and if he did, he would probably back down immediately.

Also, I think Spike being sad/hurt/disappointed would be a better motivator for Twilight to... to... enter the book and change the words to tell a different story to Spike? I thought maybe the book was magical, but Spike's closing thoughts about shelving it amongst the rest of the books of the library lead me to believe otherwise.

I think the story you wanted to tell was bigger than the limitations imposed by the event, but I still feel you could have delivered a more rounded story within 750 words.

Overall, I encourage you to keep improving and keep trying.

Cute. Bit jumpy toward the end, but cute.

I like this one. It has a lot of feeling, without being overwrought. (Geez I am going to have so much trouble ordering these for the voting. Too many good stories, not a lot I haven't enjoyed!)

This does seem like the intro to a very fun reversed-princesses story. But even as a stand-alone it's quite well-executed.

Huh. That makes two fics where I have to agree with Spike. “What the hay did I just read!?” indeed.

It feels like gore for the sake of gore. I don't get why the "Twilight Zone" style story is in a book and Twilight is refusing to read it. (And why is she making her baby dragon little brother read something too terrible for her? That makes even less sense than anything else here does! Why does she smile about having traumatized him? Is that supposed to be the creepy twist? If so, it needs some heavy re-working.) The main story itself is just... random. Weird. Pointless. Overly violent. Even if we accept that this "Emily" and her otherworldly friend are violent psychopaths, the background ponies in the town also go from zero to murder really readily. Maybe that would work better in a longer format, but I'm not sure it would. Overall it seems like it's trying too hard to be shocking, and so it ends up just feeling shallow and pointless. Honestly toning down the level of violence would make it feel a lot more real and thus actually more creepy.

You know, I really want to see Twilight read that AK Yearling autograph now. "To Twilight Sparkle. I never figured I would outlive my biggest fan. -DD"

As I do every round, I want to offer a reminder of the importance of a strong hook. The first sentence or two has an outsized effect on how much I'm predisposed to like your story. Show some flash! Catch my attention! Make me trust that my time is in good hands!

In the Writeoffs especially, when a story's first sentence wanders (or, worse, starts out with errors), I find myself going into aggressive critique mode rather than reading for enjoyment, and if I don't enjoy your story it drifts down my slate. In minific Writeoffs, all the more so, because you literally only get 1-2 minutes to recover from that first impression.

Let's take a look here:

As the caretaker shut the doors of the former Canterlot library behind her, Rainbow stretched her old, tired bones. Ahead of her, a magnificent garden took up most of the floor space; in its center, a statue. Bookshelves lined the walls, and stairs led to higher floors.

"Um... Twi? Hello?" Rainbow asked.

Boo! a playful voice sounded in her head. Grinning, Rainbow turned around.

(That was 64 words. Remember: Having read those, I'm already ten percent done with your story.)

This isn't a bad opening -- it establishes some crucial facts through showing. Rainbow's old, something's strange about Twilight, and whatever it is isn't a shock to Dash. However, look at how far I had to quote to reach two of those three key facts, and look at what stands in the way before you get there. The caretaker is established as a key character (they're literally in the first sentence! This is what you're telling me to expect from your story!) before virtually disappearing. And there are two full sentences of scenery. I would aggressively pare those down, or work that exposition into the story later, after you set your hook.

(Also problematic, though not for pacing reasons: It's unclear from the first sentence whether Dash is entering or leaving the former Canterlot library. Given that the next sentence shows a garden and statue, I initially interpreted it as a departure, and had to stop and reread.)

Credit, though, for a nice illustration that a strong hook doesn't necessarily require conflict. "'Boo!' a playful voice sounded in her head" catches attention because it's a departure from the status quo: how is Twilight doing that? (I wouldn't put Dash being old in the same category, because while it's also breaking show status quo, it's too common of a trope to have any teeth on its own. It's more of a crucial bit of scene-setting to ground the story in time.)

Overall, I think your hook would be stronger here if you found a way to lead straight in with your premise. Twilight being a ghost is the most interesting thing about your story: why not grab readers with it up front? It can also work to establish a common-looking scenario and then use your premise as a micro-twist to immediately subvert it, but if you're going to do that, lead off both with the scenario (walking into a library) and something off about the scenario -- a question which your twist answers. It doesn't quite work here because the interaction with Twilight doesn't immediately relate to the caretaker and the statue until much later, when we're given context as to why those are important. You might be able to use Rainbow's expectations to signal that something is different -- "It was unnaturally silent; it wasn't like Twilight not to greet her immediately" or some such. (A secondary benefit of doing that is that it would set up Twilight's first line.)

I'll stop there because this analysis is already longer than the story, but I'm providing it in hopes that it's good general advice.

Anyway, once past the hook ... overall, this was on a bit of a slow burn, but once I was able to settle into its story, it definitely had an engaging core idea. The ending was dissatisfyingly rushed. I suspect this wanted more room to breathe; I could easily see it being a short story rather than a minific, and that might have given it space to close out its character arcs. If it drifts down my rankings as I read, that'll be the reason why: this doesn't feel complete and self-contained as written, and I have to judge stories here based on how well they work as stand-alone works.

Tier: Almost There

Not bad, pace is good and characters well-written.

However, I would have liked to know what have caused the fact everytime one of them say something, the opposite happens.

er...I recognize some lines in there from songs in the show and some fan made stuff, I think? There is some neat word salad going on here, but it kind of reflects poorly that I had to read and mouth along with each sentence to keep my place in it and meaning, if there is any, never really gelled together.

What It's Worth

Bookhorse is being Bookhorse and Spike is not amused. Spike gets sucked into a book, and amends his fences when he returns.

A cute, happy story with vivid scenes and imagery. Some things I noticed:

boring beige page after boring beige page

I particularly like the rhythm and sound of this phrase. This boring beige phrase.

....

I'll see myself out now.

The black words spun into dark rings in the centre of the pale pages, two dark circles like eyes, like Twilight’s eyes, big eyes gawking up at Spike.

See, this is what I was talking about. Vivid imagery that practically comes alive.

If I had to point out any singular weak area, it would have to be the ending. We get a hint of another story being told, one that I'm not sure I understand. The word "change" in the aforementioned phrase is one of the few instances I can find of vagueness, though this is possibly intentional since we're seeing things from Spike's PoV.

Glancing back to the title, the last paragraph makes sense, though it feels disjointed from the rest of the work, and ever-so-slightly rushed. Of course, with only four words left to spare, there wasn't much left to do. Come to think of it, the second-to-last paragraph is the only time dialogue is hinted at, not spelled out explicitly. Another 75-ish words, and this story would have felt much more resolved.


Still, this story was going great right up until the end, so it's likely going to end up fairly high on my slate.

Eh. This feels a little too random. Especially the ending. Flurry Heart with cyanide! How wacky! OMG! I get that it's meant to be comedy, but "random" isn't necessarily funny.

Also, I don't get this at all.

“Yes, I know you’re immoral. I’ve seen your mane."

Immoral? I get he's being so stupid he doesn't know what immortal means, but why is Twilight's mane "immoral"? It's a really weird thing to say. The whole story feels random, but that bit in particular bothered me a ton because I feel like it was trying to make a very specific joke but failed.

Hmm. I feel like this uses up a lot of words covering ground we already know at the beginning, then slaps the twist on very quickly and doesn't do much with it. It does remind me of The Egg also, but if that's where it's going, The Egg didn't just tell, it showed what was going on. This just has Celestia making a bald assertion, and nothing in particular backs it up. It also doesn't go anywhere in particular. I feel like Twilight should somehow experience that everything is her, or the story should end with skipping ahead to this true ascension, or something.

It has some promise, but in the end I think it's wasting the concept by not actually exploring it.

This feels like a video game. (The second person POV is probably part of that.) If it's referencing something, my non-gamer self has missed it entirely.

I didn't think I was going to enjoy this, but actually I did! It's tricky to make humorous meta-stories like this not feel gimmicky and forced, but it plays out really believably. I think it's a little hampered by the length restrictions, I'd love to see Twilight-chan meeting the other Twilights unfold a little more slowly, and their coming to an agreement happen a bit less easily, so do consider re-working it after the contest.

An original entry kept Teen rated even with the fact it is a SPC report.

I would have expected the name of Sweetie Drops to appear but I may have missed it.

I fear that the readers who aren't familar with this kind of story will be lost.

A-ha! That explains everything!

Wait... No, no it doesn't... Eh, I still like it more than the actual plot of Equestria Girls.

This is a story entertains a very interesting concept, with a Grand Chessmaster Celestia being played for laughs, as well as some interesting characterization for everyone else.

Others have raised the issues that this presents a few set of contradictions and plot holes of its own, but I don't see that as a problem with this story being short, but rather that this story seems to fit as a scene in a much larger story, and analysing it with that in mind, I think it works pretty well as it stands. It gives enough information to imagine the full picture, while still developing enough to keep us intrigued.

Would I like to read the complete story in which this scene fits in? Definitely, but I can't in good conscience use that to judge this story. It's effective and it leaves me intrigued.

Heeeeeeeeee. A lot of setup, a totally ridiculous payoff. I love it.

That was... random. Honestly I liked it better before I got to the last line. That felt like a little bit too much.

Hmm. "Twilight Zone" is only loosely relevant here, so it feels like this hasn't got much to do with the prompt. It is a cute little story, and everything is well-characterized. But the footnotes really do waste a lot of words on something so limited, and don't seem to add much. I do *like* the "anxious wing" thing, it's amusing, but does it really need to be in a footnote and not in line with the story? (Also, to be honest, I have a strong suspicion I know who wrote this one...)

Still, overall it was a nicely enjoyable read.

Oh, excellent! Although I do find the premise doesn't quite hold together for me. (Why is Luna on our moon, and not Equestria's?) I'm not sure it would hold up as a longer story, but as a short it is pretty interesting.

Sweet and gentle, a nice little respite from all the darkfics and gonzo comedy takes we have this round. :)

The atmosphere of this one is wonderful.

And done with my slate!

Quite funny, I really liked how the censorship doesn't quite work. Also how Spike keeps 'sounding out' the words.

That centered text threw me off for a second, but the rest of the story is downright adorable.This was delicious fluff from beginning to end.

And speaking of endings, while the suggestive send-off didn't bother me, I do feel ther could've been ways of better conveying that same idea while still fitting with the overall innocent tone of the story.

I just really liked this, it was the right mix of sweet and funny that I enjoy, and left me wanting more in a good way.

It's funny, because while I overall think Horizon raises a lot of good points, I really disagree with the idea that this should be "off" or in any way creepy or weird at the beginning. Although this has a Twilight Zone kind of premise in some ways, it doesn't feel to me like that's its strength, it feels to me like the real core of it is the sweetness of the interaction between friends, and also the sweetness of Twilight's reasons for hanging around. It feels very true to the spirit (ha ha!) of the show, and I like that.

This is actually very near the top of my list, right now.

That was a great little tale, the twist as to what they were actually making such a fuss over... This was hilarious, on both a first and second reading. Awesome job! :D

Ah Fantasy Flight, your games filled with hundreds of tokens and cards, your average game length being at least four hours, Twilight Imperium averaging three times that, you have snared more into your clutches.

I like the slice-of-lifeness of the story, but I do agree that anyone not familiar with the game is not going to know what to think of this.

Anyways, since I'm a total nerd for TI: IMO, Rarity should have been going for the political win, Twilight for the financial, and Fluttershy for the win by conquest, Flutterrage ftw. Her playing cautiously sounds appropriate until one turtle ship gets destroyed, then she goes on a berserk rampage.

Oh, I am rambling now.

TL;DR: This story was fun and had lots of nostalgia value for me and brought back memories of days long games into my brain but needs character work.

I’m a pony the size of a house cat?

I knew it! Does that mean that gryphons are the size of pigeons?

But yeah, I can't help but wonder what is the ultimate point of the story. It states that ponies are smaller than what Sunset thought. That is a funny idea, yes; however, I fail to see how the story uses that to its advantage.

You seem to be going for a straightforward Twilight Zone approach. In that case, how does the revelation of ponies being tiny play into Sunset's character? Does that perhaps tie into her desire for power? Does she do it because deep down she feels insignificant, and small in comparison to the world that surrounds her, or to Celestia herself, and that parallels the revelation of ponies actually being small?

The story never conveys such a message, it's just "Hey isn't it weird that ponies are called little when they're already small? Well, that's because Equestrian ponies are actually tiny, ain't life a stinker?"

Perhaps I'm diving into territory far too symbolic, but the Twilight Zone often used these kind of parallels for their characters as a way to elevate the stories told from simply twist-eding filler worthy of Shyamalan's darkest moments to well-rounded, deep stories with a message, and I believe you could have done that here without much effort.

I honestly loved the intro scene with Sunset just thinking about stuff while in the bus, and I think you could have used that introspective moment to plant the seeds for that eventual pay-off.

As it is right now, I want to like this more, but it doesn't quite get there.

This is a ponification of a TZ episode (The Invaders), entirely legitimate for this round. There were a number of errors throughout that kept pulling me out of the story. There are run on sentences, tense issues, and redundant phrasings that should be tightened up.

I would like to see more of the inside of Octy’s head; it is odd to me that a pony in a magical land of friendship powers would beat two tiny aliens to death seemingly without a second thought, even bearing in mind that she’s scared. (In the original, the invaders attacked first.)

Tier: Needs work.

...wow. Okay, new favorite! THIS is how you write a Twilight Zone episode in Equestria.

This is quite dense... I'm going to have to reread Sparkles story to understand what is happening. Odd, but don't the odd stories always win?

>>Fenton

It's only Applejack, and does it really matter?

This is pretty much pure fluff, but hey, fluff has a place. I quite like it. Jordanis has a point that even as a filly, Twi is enough of a pedant to spot the large hole in Celestia's argument, but that's a quite small weak point in an othrwise nice, sweet little story.

You know...it doesn't really matter which one of these I read, I keep hearing this in my head:

Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being cloned
My beacon's been moved
Under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far

Hello there, first story in this whole thing to genuinely creep me out. To the top you go!

…But why isn’t she Pearjack?

Cute story, no strong complaints.

I have a funny feeling the pony in question is Princess Luna... But whether she is or not, I quite like this one. It feels like it could be the start of something else. It's a little weak as a stand-alone scene, but it would be a pretty strong intro to say a Fancy/Luna shipping fic or something of that nature.

This seems a little scattered. It's about a diamond dog dreaming he's a pony who likes a griffon who's a fish? I feel like I missed something somewhere. That said it's not bad. It just seems kind of vague.

This definitely feels like a Twilight Zone episode, but a little too much so, the obviously meant to be cars carriages, the gun... I agree with the above comment that it's just not very pony.

Random, witty and goofy. Good rhythm. I danced to it until my dignity was calcined along with that of the Author’s.

The only correct answer is pancakes.

“[Anthony] had taken the village someplace. Or had destroyed the world and left only the village, nobody knew which.”
—Jerome Bixby, It’s a Good Life

This piece in its brevity depends on borrowing some of the horror from its source, which is permissible, but then it weakens the punch further, IMO, by giving a hint towards a happy resolution. I also find myself wondering why Celestia hasn’t intervened earlier to save her world from this little Keter-class reality warper.

>>Xepher
I’ve played the Paranoia RPG, and aside of Black and Red being the two lowest and most despised clearance levels and the general paranoid tone, I don’t see that the story is enhanced by a comparison. To me, the piece stands on its own until the last line, where I am a bit bemused at the end.

I like the overall idea here. The whole 'And the Princesses randomly died' bit, not so much. I mean, I guess on some level it's necessary to get to the 'Twilight is the only one left' but...eh. That part I didn't care for.

The reversal on 'End of Equestria', though, that I do like.

I like this quite a lot! I feel like it is a bit odd that the first part is entirely Twilight's point of view, while the second is entirely Discord's. I wonder if it wouldn't work better to write the first part from an observing Discord rather than follow Twilight so closely.

This is definitely a Fantasy Flight Game at core here. And the ending got a giggle out of me. More than anything else, like the fabled Cones of Dunshire, I want to play this game.

Alas! I cannot. But it was a funny mini-romp

The main issue I have with this one is it's a straight-up retelling of the Twilight Zone movie. Celestia is less random than the teacher, yes, but otherwise we're seeing the exact same sort of ending up to and including exploding everything by the reality warper.

It does fit into ponies, sure, but what more do you want to say with that? A subversion? Commentary? Right now it's a chop 'n swap.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>SPark
The movie redid It's A Good Life, and had this sort of ending in it. So the happy resolution fits the 2nd version of the original.

>>SPark
Which one is this based on? Assuming it is.

Anyhow, storywise, okay, Celestia has Excalibur of a sort. Fun idea. But melancholy and...eh. Not to my tastes; not through any failures in writing, I suppose, but because I am in search of happy endings tonight, and well, I cannot help but wonder 'For what of Luna?' since there is more than one alicorn and it would appear Celestia dies in the last few paragraphs.

Then again I'm all around 'bleh' about the 'Tired of life' trope because there is so much wonder in reality the idea Sun or Moonhorse just wants to croak anytime short of a billion years or so doesn't really gel with me.

It made me laugh, so there's that. It really does feel jumpy and rough somehow, though. I'm not sure it's the time skip so much as the clash in mood between the seriousness of young Twi's refuge and the sillyness of the end.

Well... that was... abrupt? Sudden? Jarring? I think this does need some work. I feel like I have whiplash from that sudden left turn there. It has some good elements, but it definitely could use some work so it doesn't feel like two different random stories (the prophecy turning out to be a good thing, the princesses dying) smashed together.

I think I've missed something. The setup is pretty clear, Twilight didn't go to Ponyville, because she never wrote Celestia a letter about finding the old prophecy, and then she used dark magic to... do something?

And the celebration was cancelled, and somehow that... what, exactly? Stopped Nightmare Moon from coming back? How? Why? Or was she somehow never banished at all, if there weren't spots on the moon, now there are. So... Twilight banished herself to the moon somehow? Or the original spots were there and now there are more because... who else got banished? Why? And the sun isn't coming up? But if the sun hasn't come up, why are the guards acting like that's normal? I'm afraid this leaves me really confused.

Ha ha ha. Okay, this is amazing. Seriously. Here I thought the punchline would be that Spike ate all of "mommy's" jewelry, but this is even funnier.

I think the idea here is a little stronger than the execution. There's some technical issues with the dialogue and it could stand a good copy-editing, I think there are a few minor grammatical errors. (I spotted at least one past tense/present tense problem, and a few lines just seem awkward and clunky.) I do think it does a good job of conveying the mood and feeling of Celestia and Luna, how they feel, how they misunderstand each other.

Nice! This was inspired by Asimov's The Last Question, wasn't it? It's a good pony-fied sendup, if so. I think this is another one that could use a good copy-editing, it has some technical flaws in the writing, but the idea is absolutely solid and overall the execution is nicely done. Get yourself a good editor to catch your little grammatical errors and you have a real gem of a story here.

...well. I've read them all! And commented on most of them, I know I missed a few. I need to go back and catch all those later, just sometimes I can't think of anything to say.

Now the problem of getting my voting properly arranged. It's really frustrating that so many of them are good, actually! I look at the list as it's ordered now, and there are things I thoroughly enjoyed that are well under 50% and so I'm not really voting for them to go on to the next round, yet I think they should. But if only the ones that weren't a good read got cut, the voting wouldn't eliminate much at all! Aieeeee. I guess the middle of the pack doesn't really matter as much as what ones I put all the way at the top, and my choices there are pretty clear.

>>SPark
I agree with this. Leaving it at happily ever after alone would have been good enough.

HOWEVER the true sin here is there is no DDR proper! I demand ponies dancing on squares that light up arrows in a video game!

Anyhow, cute silly shortfic, yes. Rainbow Dash is best hilariously incompetent legal counsel.

This was absurd. I mean, I don't know what feedback there is to offer beyond that, the prose was fine, it was just absurd. 'And that's how Equestria was unmade' is definitely the should-be final line

>>Morning Sun I actually feel like the author meant it to have been a few billion years or so, and just didn't make that clear enough. I had to re-read the beginning a second time, and it made a ton more sense once I went "Oooooooh, this is basically after the end of the world and the sun is probably a red giant and everything's long since over with. Got it!" and suddenly it was a much better story.

And no, it's not an imitation of any single episode I'm aware of, just it has that "this could be an episode" feel to it.

Anything that involves the death of Displaced humans === good in my book. +1 for amusing ending, author.

The prose is good, and even stays in iambic pentameter for the vast majority of the work, which is incredibly difficult in my experience.

Oh man, this was too funny. It just takes all those elements of HiE that I hate and runs wild with it.

This is... wow. I've read a symmetrical poem before, but it was really gimmicky. This isn't. It manages to actually tell a story, (a little indirectly, but that's poetry for you) and it works amazingly well. How the heck did the author write this! HOW? So good.

This story started from a premise which is, let's face it, not altogether difficult to come up with, but took it in a very amusing direction. Set-up and payoff both worked well. If I had to criticize, I'd say that only having one other Twilight for TwiPrime to banter with was a wasted opportunity, and I wish there'd been more incarnations for her to exchange intelligible dialogue with.

Although that may have been a concession to word limits and time constraints. What we do have works excellently, and having the other Twilights assume forms which are alien and incomprehensible is a clever work-around.

This was the first story I read on my slate, with the second being The Twilight Council. Oddly enough, it has some of the same issues which that story did. Namely, not enough time to interact or space to interact with more than one or two Twilights, although this story handles that constraint differently than the first.

It might be unfair to compare them directly, but personally, I think this story didn't handle the multi-Twilight (mulTwi?) paradox as well as did the first, which had a distinct personality for Twilight to play off of, and manifested other forms of Twilight creatively. I admit that I chuckled at Dusk Shine, and the use of Kawaii Neko-Chan Towairaito as the protag gives this story a certain weeby flair. But I wish more had been done to characterize the other manifestations of Twilight differently.

Specifically, I would have liked to see more distinction between SciTwi and Midnight. Even if it was something really trivial or silly, like SciTwi wears a steel bikini, or Midnight's outfit is modest and sensible.

Thumbs up for having the only opening sentence in the writeoff thus far to make me laugh out loud. :)

We start off with a nice banter between Daring and Twilight, and since they call her Daring for a moment I thought we were inside one of Yearling's novels. and I start to wonder just what is really going on. What has brought these two together?

And then we find out Twilight was actually working with Caballeron! Ah, now we have the added layer of betrayal to stir in. But wait, there's more! Now the Night Guard comes! And they're with Daring! So it was a double betra--But wait! Celestia is now trapped in the moon! Just what--But wait! If Daring sided with the night guard, that means Twilight isn't working with Luna, just what--But wait! Why is Twilight dealing with criminals if she wants to free Celestia? What even is this ar--B̭͙̝̱̫̪u̡̟t ͏̪̙̰̜w͙̣͖̼̥̝ͅai̦͡t̘̣̜̺̪!̜̰̮̥̻̗̺

Ah. I wonder if this is how the pitch for the movie Basic went down...

You see where I'm going. I'm going to go on a limb here and assume you just wanted to make a fun vignette reminiscent of old adventure serials, with the twists and turns but in adding so many, the story loses the impact it may have otherwise had if you'd kept it to just one twist.

And that's a real shame, because the character moments were really engaging and the dialogue was fun. They made me care about what was going on between them, but when the reveals started to pile my interest started to wane.

Trying to find the stories I forgot to leave comments on earlier and catch 'em all. Anyhow, I disagree with the above that it needs to explain what happened. To me what happened is pretty clear, (somebody nuked Canterlot, obv. I guess I should spoiler that?) and "who" and "why" feel pretty irrelevant. Like, some digression about how it was the gryphons or whatever wouldn't add anything meaningful to what Twilight's feeling?

Also, poor Twi. The discovery of atomic radiation, and she can't properly enjoy it!

Rarity gaming the system and playing Twilight is funny, but it also feels just slightly OOC. I mean, it's not some regional bureaucrat she's defrauding; it's one of her best friends. Sure, it's to help a second friend, and I actually could see her doing something like this, but not to someone she was as close to as she is to Twilight.

I am also not a fan of this paragraph:

Rolling her eyes Rarity ignored the pair as they discussed a bake sale or something. After a few moments searching she pulled out a sheaf of expense forms and filled one in for six thousand bits.

It comes and goes in a hurry, and the first sentence is a run-on. I know it's 750 words, max, but I still expect (nay, demand) an apology when this is all over, author.

Beyond those quibbles, this was wittily done; the characters' voices are all captured well, and for some reason, stories that deconstruct (or reconstruct, even) the specifics of Equestria's government machinery resonate with me. Don't ask me why. I couldn't begin to tell you.

It's a cute little slice of life. I feel like the connection to the prompt is preeeeeeeeeeetty tenuous here, since it's the made up name of a made up game, but hey, at least it's not another fic centering entirely on Twilight Sparkle for its connection to the prompt, so good for that.

Hmm. I want to like this one, but I feel like Applejack is out of character. She's been shown to be kind of ruthless when it comes to the prosperity of her farm. It seems really odd for her to not be willing to accept a rescuing hoof in time of need. I could see a little reluctance, but needing to be tricked into it felt like a bit much. Maybe it's just me.

Oh, geez. Cute, funny, fluffy, slice-of-life. Unremarkable in terms of concept, but well constructed and conveyed, with just the right amount of meta, and some damn good dialogue between the characters.

Exactly the sort of thing for which I have a weak spot. I think this may have been written for me, specifically, in fact.

So... the Narrator is a mysterious pony inside Twilight's castle? Except the first part seems to make it clear she's hearing a disembodied voice, so the embodyment of the voice in the later part seems odd. Or is that meant to be something else entirely? I really don't know what to make of this. Twilight seems to wildly over-react to hearing a strange voice saying things that aren't terribly threatening, so it comes across not so much as a horror story as a "Twilight is being neurotic" story, except the physical pony somehow in the locked room suggests maybe the danger is real, but there's no sense of danger as we read up until that point, so it feels very sudden and maybe a little too ambiguous.

>>8677 Trying to find the stories I forgot to leave comments on earlier and catch 'em all. Anyhow, I disagree with the above that it needs to explain what happened. To me what happened is pretty clear, (somebody nuked Canterlot, obv. I guess I should spoiler that?) and "who" and "why" feel pretty irrelevant. Like, some digression about how it was the gryphons or whatever wouldn't add anything meaningful to what Twilight's feeling?

The implication is that it's Twilight's doing, right? And that's the source of all her angst surrounding it. Or a lot of it, anyway.

I think. To be honest, my reading of this story is heavily impacted by this sentence, right here.

How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?

Timeframe, cause, effect, etc. This one sentence throws all of it off. It's all the context we're really given, but rather than clarify or help situate the story, it just calls a lot of stuff into question.

I dig Twilight's inner monologue, and the emotions on display, but am thoroughly confused by the specifics of it. To the point where, yes, it did distract me from enjoying the story.

Ok, from what I can gather, Twilight's showdown with Tirek went south and in using the combined power of four alicorns, she created the thaumaturgic equivalent of an atom bomb, which destroyed a huge chunk of Canterlot. This also affected the balance of the Sun and Moon, and now Twilight is using whatever magic she has left to keep them in check, leaving Equestria in a state of perpetual twilight.

Feel free to tell me how close/far I got from your initial idea after the event is over.

I liked the story, really. It could use some polishing to better convey the desperation Twilight is feeling, though. A few lines felt too much like dry description of the aftermath, when they could have been done in a way that conveyed how Twilight felt when looking at them.

Perhaps first person would be a better fit for this particular piece. Just my two cents, I still think it's a very entertaining read.

I like the concept a lot. I feel like it hasn't really been realized, though. We've just gotten an info-dump from Lyra, and Lyra inviting herself along on an unspecified adventure. It makes me wonder why Moon Dancer is even there at all, except I guess as somepony for Lyra to tell all this to. I can't exactly put my finger on how you'd fix that, but it just feels (perhaps ironically) like Moon Dancer is a bit of a background pony in her own story here.

I was waiting for the sign this wasn't the Equestria I knew, and the author delivered! The twist may have been predictable, but it was exactly what the story required, and there's nothing wrong with a solidly-written story that delivers exactly what the reader expects, so nicely done.

Best OC I've seen this whole contest. (Almost the only OC, admittedly, but still.) I found this very fun to read, Rod and Silver Spoon bouncing off each other works very well.

I have to say that I personally don't like the SCP format that much, and the censoring kind of drives me bananas. I know that's me as a reader, not any fault of this as a story.

It's not actually a story as such, though, so I don't feel hugely guilty for not loving it. It feels like the intro to an actual story, more than anything else.

Yeah, this one does nothing for me. It's a cute play on the mix between the Paranoia setting and the pony fandom's hatred of edgy red and black OCs, but that's all it's got and I feel like I'm missing something about the ending.

This is a nicely Twilight Zone premise, but I personally feel that Spike is a little out of character. Unless repeatedly provoked he's not usually short with Twilight or ungrateful to her, and he is both right from the beginning of this story. It's also a bit jerky and rushed feeling, though I know that's just due to the length constraints.

I’ve got a cat and a pony claiming to be Daring Do on my lawn

das raciz

But seriously, this is how you make a well-rounded story with a clear beginning, middle, and end that's both satisfying on its own while still hinting at a larger story being told.

This was great, is really all I have to say. If I had to criticise something, I somewhat agree with Fenton, in that the ending could have packed a bit more of a punch, but at least ends on a lighter note. Plus, while the story is benefitted from being told from Lyra's POV, I really wish we could have gotten a better glimpse at what was going through Moon Dancer's mind.

Other than that, though. Stellar work.

>>Fenton

but then we have Lyra who replies "Yes she is!".

Trixie isn't the only one who speaks in third person.

This one just made me go "aww".

This... wow. Okay. This either needs to be VERY re-worked, or a heck of a lot longer, because I am having a hard time making heads or tails of it. So much of it makes no sense. Why are Twi and Daring partners? What is the artifact? Normally I could let that slide, but what it is seems to matter here! It's obviously vital to... somepony somehow. And yet if it's that vital, why did Twilight give it up? If it's not that vital, why go to all the effort of becoming partners for a double cross on both sides in order to get it? It's just... so many questions! No answers! Halp!

Celestia smiled with the corners of her mouth.

I know what you were going for, but when I read this, I couldn't help but try to figure out how to smile with just the middle of your mouth.

Anyway, just as SPark mentioned, I think you did a good job when conveying the feel of the scenes in a subdued way. There's no outright stating of emotions, but you can get a grasp on the mood of the characters. So kudos for that.

Onto the negatives, well... The story feels rushed, there's no other way of putting it. We get a nice scene with a melancholic Luna, a quick snippet of Evening Star talking to Celestia, then boom, Nightmare Moon. That really pulled me out of the story.

As far as origin stories, your concept was good, but a bit of focuse could have helped this story shine.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Posh
Huh. I was about to say that the story specifically said that magic hadn't done it, so it couldn't be Twilight's doing, it had to be some other party who'd invented the atom bomb. But actually on re-reading it says no magic except the alicorn's could have done it, so I guess it could be Twi! It certainly changes the story if it's her fault rather than something some other random enemy did. Though in that case (i.e. if Twi did it with alicorn magic) I'm not sure what the reference to the strange energy that wasn't magic is?

You know, for being such a central aspect of the story, one would think we'd get a bit more about this prophecy than just a few vague references, even if only for lore purposes, because I still think it works as a plot point the way it is.

For the most part, I agree with >>Syeekoh (When did you drop the Majin?) Twilight ended up fulfilling the prophecy about the end of Equestria in the best possible way, and that's something I really liked. The steps it took to go from current Equestria to this one, though, not so much.

Much like Morning Sun and SPark before me, the dying Princess plot point felt more like, well, a plot point used specifically to set forth the discussion between Luna and Twilight rather than another layer to the story. Still, it's nothing that a few rounds of editing won't iron out.

Overall, I really liked this, and I'd love to like it more, because it's very well-written. It comes very close, but not quite there.

I... Have no idea what happened here. So, Pinkie got some clothes from Rarity and then they both went to a friendship council? I feel like there's something I missed but I can't figure out what it might be. .-.