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Anything that involves the death of Displaced humans === good in my book. +1 for amusing ending, author.
Luna’s notably excluded from that welcome. I wonder if this will come back.
Ah. Entertaining stuff, though it may be too metareferential for its own good, and the ending is quite abrupt. Still, well presented for the most part, and it definitely made me smile.
Ah. Entertaining stuff, though it may be too metareferential for its own good, and the ending is quite abrupt. Still, well presented for the most part, and it definitely made me smile.
So, uh, Luna doesn't like humans...?
I'm not really sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it's a fresh idea, and parts of it were clever and funny. On the other hand, it seems like some of the jokes it makes are overly obvious, and that ends up feeling slightly mean-spirited to me. Poking fun at things can be fun. But... it can also be cruel. And I'm not really sure where the line falls here, except some things felt like they were a bit more mean-spirited than I would like. On the third hand, there's definitely an audience out there for that, or even more extreme stuff... so make of it what you will, I guess.
Well... I think, in the end, the cleverness outweighed my annoyance, mostly on things like 'additional processing fee' or Pinkie's question, where the sarcasm is a bit subtler and feels less mean-spirited. More like 'haha this is ridiculous' than 'haha how stupid'. That mostly comes down to personal interpretation, perhaps? But comedy is often super subjective, so... eh.
I'm not really sure what to make of the ending. it seems to take a very different tack than the rest, and I don't think it really attaches well, no matter how I interpret it.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it's a fresh idea, and parts of it were clever and funny. On the other hand, it seems like some of the jokes it makes are overly obvious, and that ends up feeling slightly mean-spirited to me. Poking fun at things can be fun. But... it can also be cruel. And I'm not really sure where the line falls here, except some things felt like they were a bit more mean-spirited than I would like. On the third hand, there's definitely an audience out there for that, or even more extreme stuff... so make of it what you will, I guess.
Well... I think, in the end, the cleverness outweighed my annoyance, mostly on things like 'additional processing fee' or Pinkie's question, where the sarcasm is a bit subtler and feels less mean-spirited. More like 'haha this is ridiculous' than 'haha how stupid'. That mostly comes down to personal interpretation, perhaps? But comedy is often super subjective, so... eh.
I'm not really sure what to make of the ending. it seems to take a very different tack than the rest, and I don't think it really attaches well, no matter how I interpret it.
For me, this one is a case of "close, but no cigar." It made me laugh a few times, to be sure. It is probably the most efficient piss-take on bad HiE cliches I've seen. But it has two issues: the ending, and the question of whether it counts as a story.
Most of this story only needs a few tweaks at the most, but I would actually throw the ending out altogether. It's a poor fit for the rest of the story, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is funny to make the Gary-Stus look stupid, but a grisly demise is not so funny. Instead, find a way to conclude the piece within the context of the "paperwork" itself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Now, the big question: is this a proper story, or just a vignette? It is possible for pieces like this to be stories, but it has to be the sort of story one can puzzle out if one reads between the lines. So it's high-risk, high reward. I shall be interested to see the end result.
Most of this story only needs a few tweaks at the most, but I would actually throw the ending out altogether. It's a poor fit for the rest of the story, and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is funny to make the Gary-Stus look stupid, but a grisly demise is not so funny. Instead, find a way to conclude the piece within the context of the "paperwork" itself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Now, the big question: is this a proper story, or just a vignette? It is possible for pieces like this to be stories, but it has to be the sort of story one can puzzle out if one reads between the lines. So it's high-risk, high reward. I shall be interested to see the end result.
And in sharp contrast to my opinions on Tickles, I actually think the ridiculously grim punchline is fitting. This is a cruelly sharp look at a certain category of fic (and really, it stretches comfortably beyond just HiE - this kinda nails all self-insert fics pretty well, for all the pony specific stuff), and ending it cruelly I think is tonally consistent. That isn't to say it is the best ending, but I think it functions.
I do get Hat's concerns about being mean but... ergh... I dunno. I guess maybe I'm not nice sometimes, and bad fanfiction is one of those places. Like, I used to read MST-fics too, and those are WAY crueler than this. And that is kind of the importat thing, I think - the distance here helps, since you aren't really attacking "a writer" so much as "a category of stories."
First thing to make me laugh this round. Thank you.
I do get Hat's concerns about being mean but... ergh... I dunno. I guess maybe I'm not nice sometimes, and bad fanfiction is one of those places. Like, I used to read MST-fics too, and those are WAY crueler than this. And that is kind of the importat thing, I think - the distance here helps, since you aren't really attacking "a writer" so much as "a category of stories."
☐ exciting Warhammer® military life
First thing to make me laugh this round. Thank you.
Docking points for lack of originality is probably my least favorite thing to do in this sort of competition, because I feel each work should be considered as its own piece independent of other outside works. Nonetheless, I unfortunately feel a bit obligated to lobby that criticism towards this story.
For some unnecessary backstory on me, I left the brony fandom in 2012, and haven't read MLP fanfiction outside this competition since. That was five years ago. So why does this story retread the same genre jokes about HiE that were old hat when I was still around? Mocking self insert and HiE fan-fiction is very much like shooting fish in a barrel—we're all aware the genre is mostly full of hot garbage, and it just seems a bit lazy to pick the most obvious jokes to use.
On the other hand, the mode of presentation is new and interesting, and I think it's this layer of veneer that has endeared the majority of the readers to this entry. I like the formatting as well, and it's ripe for some expansion if the author wanted to create more jokes. Unfortunately, for the purposes for comedic pacing, it makes it a bit difficult to work with because every new line of the questionnaire needs to be a rapid fire joke that pays off, because a dud will stop the reader in his or her tracks. Ideally, if the author wants to expand the story, there should be some more text between the end of the questionnaire and the conclusion of the story, to transition to the conclusion easier.
In terms of the ending, because everyone wants to mention it: I like it. I find it somewhat odd that a story littered with jokes that are a complete schadenfreude mockery is being criticized for being "too cruel" in its conclusion. Additionally, I think "cruel" is the wrong word for it. People are acting as if the ending is a straight-faced funeral dirge or something. The end is more cartoonishly silly bait and switch than even "dark."
Okay / Okay, would say it's okay again.
For some unnecessary backstory on me, I left the brony fandom in 2012, and haven't read MLP fanfiction outside this competition since. That was five years ago. So why does this story retread the same genre jokes about HiE that were old hat when I was still around? Mocking self insert and HiE fan-fiction is very much like shooting fish in a barrel—we're all aware the genre is mostly full of hot garbage, and it just seems a bit lazy to pick the most obvious jokes to use.
On the other hand, the mode of presentation is new and interesting, and I think it's this layer of veneer that has endeared the majority of the readers to this entry. I like the formatting as well, and it's ripe for some expansion if the author wanted to create more jokes. Unfortunately, for the purposes for comedic pacing, it makes it a bit difficult to work with because every new line of the questionnaire needs to be a rapid fire joke that pays off, because a dud will stop the reader in his or her tracks. Ideally, if the author wants to expand the story, there should be some more text between the end of the questionnaire and the conclusion of the story, to transition to the conclusion easier.
In terms of the ending, because everyone wants to mention it: I like it. I find it somewhat odd that a story littered with jokes that are a complete schadenfreude mockery is being criticized for being "too cruel" in its conclusion. Additionally, I think "cruel" is the wrong word for it. People are acting as if the ending is a straight-faced funeral dirge or something. The end is more cartoonishly silly bait and switch than even "dark."
Okay / Okay, would say it's okay again.
So, I'll say I don't think this is a "story" and as such, isn't going to rank very high for me in what I consider a story-writing contest.
This is more of an image macro in word form (what the kids today call "memes.") I do like the details though, and have to note the way Luna is specifically left out in the opening leaves me scratching my head. The digs at bad HiE are amusing, but old hat, as Cassius said. The ending... no qualms there. Zork and other text adventure games always killed you quickly and without warning too, so it's not off the mark.
This is more of an image macro in word form (what the kids today call "memes.") I do like the details though, and have to note the way Luna is specifically left out in the opening leaves me scratching my head. The digs at bad HiE are amusing, but old hat, as Cassius said. The ending... no qualms there. Zork and other text adventure games always killed you quickly and without warning too, so it's not off the mark.
I know this one didn't make finals, but I heard about it through the Writeoff podcast (yo >>Not_A_Hat!) and was curious.
This is greatly amusing! Maybe it's not a "story" per se, but it seems like required reading for HiE-curious writers. It seems a bit sad if what >>Cassius says is true about the same jokes having been around 5 years ago, but that seems more like a case of tropes that won't die rather than it being invalid to continue skewering them.
I do wish this had shown up on my slate, though, because I probably would have put it in a high tier, and those were pretty thin in the prelims.
This is greatly amusing! Maybe it's not a "story" per se, but it seems like required reading for HiE-curious writers. It seems a bit sad if what >>Cassius says is true about the same jokes having been around 5 years ago, but that seems more like a case of tropes that won't die rather than it being invalid to continue skewering them.
I do wish this had shown up on my slate, though, because I probably would have put it in a high tier, and those were pretty thin in the prelims.